I have a big pet peeve. This thing makes no sense to me, and it never did.

I remember one time when I lived in New York City, I had an appointment on the 70th floor of a building. While I was waiting for that appointment, I had to go to the bathroom. So I asked the receptionist, “Where are the bathrooms?” The receptionist replied, “You will need the key to use the bathroom.”

A bathroom key? This makes no sense to me at all. Why do you need a bathroom key? People aren’t coming off the street thinking to themselves, “Hmmm, I think I’m going to use the bathroom on the 70th floor.”

It has never made any sense to me why bathrooms are locked. It’s ridiculous.

Sometimes when you arrive early for an appointment, you have to go to the bathroom. Right? So you go up the elevator, walk to the bathroom, and it’s locked.

So then you have to go to the receptionist and ask for permission to use the bathroom. You have to literally tell her, “Look I have to take a dump really, really bad. Can I have the bathroom key?”

Going to the bathroom is a private thing. You should be able to go to an appointment and just use the bathroom so you can walk in all fresh. You should be able to do that without having to announce to the office first that you need to do it.

It’s just the weirdest thing in the world. It’s almost more annoying than telephone trees.

When I want to pee, I want to be able to pee without first having to ask the receptionist for permission. It is like when you were in school, and you had to carry that huge wooden paddle bathroom pass (or other equally conspicuously big and noticeable item) in order to be able to use the bathroom. As grownups, do we really need to have a “pass” to be able to use the bathroom?

So how does all of this relate to our favorite topic of dating and meeting people?

Say you’re sitting in the waiting room at your doctor’s office. You see someone you’re attracted to sitting in the waiting room too, and you wonder what to say to them. It’s very easy.

Look at them and say, “It’s so bizarre how these buildings always have a key for the bathroom. I mean, who started that rule?” There is your conversation starter.

Your conversation starter in any office building can be, “I don’t understand why you need a key to use the bathroom.” or “They always put the bathroom keys on such ridiculous huge keychains. Why? Do they think someone is going to want to take the bathroom key home? Is there somebody out there who’s got a collection of bathroom keys? Can you imagine someone saying, ‘Wow man, I scored 1402 Broadway today, 1407 Broadway, 1521 Madison Avenue, and now I got the keys to the bathroom on the 70st floor of the Park Place Towers.’ Or maybe they’re worried that if it’s on a small keychain, people will put it in their pocket and forget to return it. Do they think we’re that pre-occupied or that stupid?”

Since we seem to have a bathroom humor theme today in the blog, here is another funny thing about bathrooms. Have you ever gone into a public restroom and someone in one of the stalls is having a conversation on their cell phone? They are just talking away as they’re taking a shit.

That always cracks me up. Can you imagine being the person on the other end of the phone? Does that person know that the person they’re talking to is taking a dump?

That can be another conversation starter if you’re gutsy. You can say, “Have you ever been in the bathroom and someone was talking behind the stall?” Hilarious. You can actually use that as you come out of the bathroom if you see someone to whom you would want to talk. You could say, “I can’t believe it. I was just in the bathroom and someone was having a long conversation on their cell phone in the stall next to me.”

So you see, I can always relate any topic back to dating and meeting. It’s what it’s all about for all of you.

So the next time you need to go to the bathroom, and you are near 27101 Vermont Avenue in Los Angeles, I happen to have the key. Hit me up.