Life Is A Mirror By David Wygant
The following is a response I gave to a client who asked me how he could meet women even though he is very shy. This is a great example of my direct one-on-one coaching.
You are going to get exactly who you are.
Think about this: I’m a boisterous person and I’m over the top. A woman who is shy and quiet might be intrigued by me, but the thought of hanging out with me for longer than ten minutes would probably drive her nuts. She wouldn’t want to do it because I’m way too hyperactive and crazy.
But for you, as someone who is shy – which many people are – you’re going to attract another person who is shy. You, as a shy person, are not going to approach a Type A woman, because she will intimidate the hell out of you. You’re not ready for that.
But what you are ready for is women who have mannerisms like you; women who are quiet like you. You have to find yourself.
And a lot of women are like that – I would say at least 70% of women are shy, so you have a lot of women to choose from! If you start talking to the women that are also shy, you’ll realize that when you think your heart is beating a million beats per minute and she can see it through your shirt, it’s not! When you feel your lip quivering when you try to smile, she’s feeling the exact same way!
You both are basically mirror reflections of each other. If you keep that in mind, and realize that this woman that you’re attempting to talk to right now is as equally as shy as you, you’re going to realize how much you have in common.
You could even say to her – and I’ve told guys this often – if you’re talking to a woman in a coffee shop, you could say to her, “man, it’s so nice talking to you, I never really talk to people in public.”
You can say the things that are on your mind, and she’ll respond, “oh my god, I’m the same way! I feel the same way!” So don’t be so afraid to let yourself out. You’ll start gradually increasing your confidence, and the women you start attracting will be gradually more and more confident.
This is not to say that the women that are shy and not yet that confident are not amazing – because you’re a good guy, you’d be a great boyfriend in a relationship – probably much better than me. You’d be more loyal, more loving, and more appreciative – just because you’ve struggled more with this thing.
You don’t have the bigger-better mentality that I’ve had – where I think, hey, she’s hot, but I could go get hotter. You’ll be more like, she’s really cool, I really like her, and she’s sweet.
And remember what we talked about – when you’re the good guy (which many of us are) you need to make sure you read up on sex and kick ass in bed, and this woman is going to be thinking, I’ve got the best guy in the world! She’ll think you’re a bad boy, just because you’re good in bed.
So realize that everything is a reflection. You’re attracted to a certain type of woman that is just like you. We all are.
Patrick: You’ll also find that the whole mirror thing works both ways. Not only when you are nervous, she’s nervous too, but if you are calm, even if she was nervous, you’re inducing her to be calm with you. Your presence can make everyone around you come down to earth too.
David: Yeah, do you remember when I said that you have a very calming presence? When you let go and you smile, you are really engaging and warm. When you were smiling at the clothing store and on the beach, you were so calm. People feel safe and comfortable around you.
i want to be a naked guy, so i can always get naked girls!
I think it all comes down to being relatable. Being a boisterous person may get most women’s attention, but it may also hurt your chances for making a genuine connection in the above mentioned situation.
I can’t help wondering about something though… what about the shy guys who WANT to a crazy girl in their lives? Would it be reasonable to expect that they’ll eventually grow into the person that can handle those types of women by going after them? Or is it best to work with what they naturally attract anyways and build up from there? make sense?
Just a thought…
God David, you are just so always “on” – a true inspiration!
NO!
Practice? Meeting people? Making friends? Sure. Always.
As a lover? Don’t you believe in opposites? That’s where I learn so much. That’s where I can go so positively nuts.
Sometimes I want a crazy girl. Sometimes I’m not ready for a crazy girl. Sometimes I need practice. Sometimes I need little baby step at a time. I enjoy being at the same stage in life as someone.
But in many ways I will have NO mirror person!!
Pete, that brings up a really good point. I tend to be attracted as far as long term relationships to “easy going” girls – you know the ones who don’t give you drama and the emotional outbursts – that lead to the rollercoaster.
I find them high maintenance women emotionally draining.
But for the easy going roll with the punches kind of girls – I find because their so easy going they seldom really communicate how they are really feeling and a few times I’ve been caught unawares that there were any issues in the relationship – and then been dumped.
I’m very out spoken, dynamic, confident.
So I have found my mirror opposite to be frustrating in some ways. Pure bliss for about 4-6 months until the cracks start appearing – and then bam!
And yes I try drawing them out – but 9 times out of 10 they say “everything is ok”.
I have seen it work both ways. Opposites one is extroverted and one is introverted and then another couple are both extroverted. I guess that follows one of Davids comments on having all kinds of “connections”. I don’t know which I like more either. I like people who are out going but I have been intrigued by the smart and silent type too.
Melinda
I would take it a step further now that we are talking about it. You need to find someone who has lots of similarities but can also complement you in areas that you lack. A growth process if you will.
Melinda
Hey Kevin,
I found your comment really interesting … I think a lot of people will tell you with 100% surety that they know EXACTLY what kind of person would make their most compatible partner. The only glitch in this is that I think many of these people base this on what they THINK being with the person they describe would be like – when in reality it’s a situation of “be careful what you wish for …”
It sounds to me Kevin like you have (or had) some experience with this.
I also think part of this stems from people having an “all or nothing” belief system about people’s personality traits. You don’t like high maintenance emotional women … BUT you found out you also don’t like completely low maintenance women either.
Perhaps we all need to make fewer assumptions about what we absolutely MUST have in our partners and be willing to be a bit more flexible and try people out to see if we maybe just haven’t yet met what we TRULY want
Great post Kevin!
hmm, i always thought people were mirrors.. but not in the way you do here
i think that people’s reactions towards you work like a mirror..for instance if you act all nervous or in a bad way OR in a good way for that sake, it will always show on other people’s reactions/faces(…)
from reading this blog, i can easily see how people would think about life as a mirror .. (in the way you describe it) but in this case you sort of make life a mirror.. you date the type of people that reflect you, instead of dating people you have something in common with..and they could very well have a completely different personality than you.. as in how you deal with issues etc.
cool blog!
David, you know I love you, but I’ve got to disagree (at least partially) with you on this one. I consider myself shy or at least introverted, but I’m attracted to extroverted people who are the opposite. My guy friends tend to be extroverted and my ex wife of 14 years was the Type A woman you talk about.
I’ve always found that since I don’t initiate conversation well, but participate in conversation well that hanging out with other introverts is boring. I need to hang out with opposites. So my personal belief and what I look for in a woman is someone who “mirrors” my core values, but has the opposite type of personality.
All that said, I realize there is a very wide spectrum of shy/introverted and for people who are extreme on that scale maybe it is better that they search for someone who mirrors their personality.
So rather than saying I disagree with the blog, let’s just say I have a slightly different perspective.
Looking forward to the Seattle bootcamp!!!
Rob
We are both right.
The client that i was speaking with was and is very introverted even after the conversation is rolling and he gets to know someone.
So he would attract someone like him from day one to day 30.
You may be quiet at first but once the conversation rolls you can and will jump in and your personality will come out.
This was meant to be a confidence boost to the painfully shy.
I am glad that you shared your thoughts and more importantly….see you in 2 weeks!!!!!
Looking forward to being back up in seattle!!
Pete,
I think you are misunderstanding the post.
You attract your mirror in the sense that you attract whatever you project. We aren’t talking about what you like here. You can like whatever type of person you want.
But by default, you attract whatever you project. If you want a crazy girl, you must project something that would appeal to a crazy girl if you want to attract her. People want to be able to relate to others. If you don’t project the side of your personality that she can relate to, she’s not gonna be immediately attracted to you.
For the guys who are shy and like extroverted girls, they can attract them but they have to frame their “shyness” as the intriguing quiet silent type of guy or the “cute and shy” guy.
If they project themselves as the introverted shy, non-confident guy, most of the time, it won’t immediately catch the attention of the extroverted girl.
Woot loads of response when you disagree with someone
Kevin,
Thanks!
I believe one’s opposite by nature is frustrating in certain ways, and that’s where you grow the most.
As for your kind ‘o girl… yeah, I hear you there.
Maybe you will find a way to get HER to really open up and communicate on a deeper level.
That’s an amazing thing to do… to bring a woman beyond her greatest weakness or greatest unknown. An energetic girl I like to bring to experience a calm, relaxing love where she can let go of all her energy for just a moment and relax. In a sweet, apparently innocent girl, I like to bring out her not-so-innocent side and allow her to experience passion where she can let go of her inhibitions.
Khiem,
Thanks for explaining.
It’s just what you’re saying sounds like, either you project the same so she can relate, or you project her opposite, which catches her interest, or you project whatever in a weak, shy way, which is bad anyway :p
Perhaps you can explain a little more!
More interestingly, still, I’m curious what you would DO if you find someone who is your opposite and very attractive to you. You would project something that would appeal to her? Would you choose something ‘the same’? Or not? Knowing that you are different at your core?
rey ur stupid haha [and yes i kno i reply really late to these things lol rey you’ll prob not even see this =P
yes i do michael, and no you’re stupid!
Pete,
It’s not a question of whether I project the opposite or something similar so that she can relate. Women want both.
To me, I project something UNIQUE from which I know she can relate to.
By default, women aren’t attracted to either opposites or similars. They get attracted by something intriguing and unique. But if you are TOO different from where they come from, they won’t get immediately attracted to you.
To me presenting myself in an interesting, intriguing and genuine/congruent way is more important than whether I present myself as opposite or similar to her.
I guess I should explain the concept of universally attractive traits vs specific attractive traits.
Universally attractive traits are qualities that are deemed universally attractive by women. Those qualities would be something like: leadership, intelligence, humour, good image, decisive, “strong”… etc.
Specific attractive traits are qualities that a specific type of women find attractive. For example, a rocker chick would be most immediately attracted to a rocker/creative guy b/c they share similar lifestyle and tastes. She would not be most immediately attracted to a corporate type of guy because women want to be able to imagine you in their lives. If you are too different, it won’t unless you are doing short term types of hook-ups.
So to answer your question about what I WOULD do if I was to meet someone totally opposite to me, I would focus on projecting universally attractive traits first, then if I can, I’ll project specific attractive traits to her.
Whether I project the opposite of her or similar to her is irrelevant. I project who I am as genuinely as I can. I never to pretend to be anything different from my core. Because I am so grounded in my identity and because I can not only show but also explain why i am the way I am, she will get attracted.
Does that make sense?
multi grazi!