Let It Go
By David Wygant
I get about twenty emails a day from people who are still obsessing about an ex. These are not short emails either. They are generally very long emails . . . and sometimes very painful emails.
In my ten years of being a Dating Coach and running Dating Workshops, I’ve heard it all, from the woman who was obsessed with Harry Potter to the guy who really thought that Paris Hilton was his girlfriend.
From the crazy to the more normal, every day that I work with Singles who find me from Yahoo or any number of sources is another day of fun emails. Here are some that keep coming up everyday.
I can predict whats in my inbox like a weather person can predict sunshine in Los Angeles.
? I’ve heard about the ex who stomped on somebody’s heart four times.
? I’ve heard about the man who promised a woman everything and then stopped calling her.
? I’ve heard about the woman who had great sexual chemistry with a guy, and then all of a sudden one day he stops calling.
? I’ve heard about the amazing first date after which someone found the person with whom they would spend the rest of their lives, and now they are wondering why the other person never called.
? I’ve heard about the girl you met at a nightclub with whom you shared a heavy makeout session, only to have her not return any of your calls.
? I’ve heard about the person you met at a party to whom you spent the entire night talking and with whom you felt you totally connected, only to have that person never call you.
? I’ve heard about the person you dated for two weeks and everything seemed perfect, and then they just disappeared without a word.
? I’ve heard about the person you meet on vacation with whom you spend every day and who promises to continue the fire burning after the trip, and then it just fizzles out.
I have the same solution to each and every one of these scenarios: Let it go!
Every minute you spend pining over somebody trying to figure out either what they are thinking or why they did this to you, is another day wasted when you can’t be meeting somebody new. Here’s the cold hard truth: most relationships end until you find the right relationship.
Most first dates never become second dates. Most people will never come clean with you about why they didn’t want to see you again. You will never know the truth . . . and it really doesn’t matter. The truth is it just didn’t work out.
Stop taking every little encounter and every person you date so personally. Most of the time when someone stops calling you, it’s not about you! Stop playing the victim.
You’ve done it to people as well. Yes, it sucks when someone does it to you, but we all do it. It’s the harsh reality of dating. Some things work and some things don’t, but you keep going until you find the one that sticks.
You’ve got to stop harassing all your friends and asking them what they think. We’re not mind readers. We will never know what that other person is thinking unless they tell us. If we were mind readers, we’d all be winning the lottery every day.
If we were a world full of mind readers, no one would need to talk to each other – we could just read each other’s minds. We could spend the entire day staring at each other. We would know just by looking at someone what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, if they are attracted to us, and they like us as much as we like them.
Sounds fun, doesn’t it? It might be if we were living in a space-age movie. In the real world, though, there’s nothing fun about that.
Life is all about the unknown. Every day you spend pining after somebody who no longer wants you (no matter the reason), is another day wasted when you could be out meeting new people. So stop pining away and start smiling away.
Todays video is part two of learning how to master the art of talking naughty to women.
Here
Ah, so very wise. Reminds me of the piano man. I thought we had a great time. He asked me what I was doing this Friday at the end of last Friday’s date, and I told him I didn’t have any plans yet. I did email him telling him I had a good time and was looking forward to being able to listen to him play sometime, but have yet to hear back from him. A bit disappointing, but it didn’t stop me from having coffee with this cute fireman Wednesday morning. Tis true, when we like you, we’ll close ourselves….I wish I remembered where I put his number. I’ll find it before he gets back to town though….
Now on to Nick…
Watching him squirm is getting terribly uncomfortable for me….
I think he just needs to hear a nice breathy “Do me” in his ear.
I totally agree Lexi if the relationship was a short one or it was a one date wonder thing, but it took a long time for me to come to terms with the demise of a twenty year marriage, and I’m very, very, very thankful friend Ronda put up with it even though I’m sure at times she wanted to smack my head and knock some sense into it.
Awe, this guy in the video is so cute, bless his heart. I sure hope he finds a way to be A LOT less shy. I think maybe he just felt uncomfortable with the camera and surroundings. I believe if a woman starts dirty talk with him alone, he will come around;)
Letting go. Yes—there is a point where you snap to that fact of reality.
In not letting things go, whatever the situation, YOU are the one who is allowing YOU to be eaten alive inside, are miserable and make everyone who is around you, IF anyone comes around—miserable as well.
DAVID:
“Stop taking every little encounter and every person you date so personally. Most of the time when someone stops calling you, it
Bertie
Nick needs to learn how to make the women squirm and that I really give him a lot of credit for putting himself out like that
If all men were willing to be coached like that more women would be squirming as well:)
I agree a simple do me in the ear really works but mist guys are afraid to even try that.
Its a process.
Lexi
As always your post is right on.
Great advice and really great feedback!!
Thanks
David,
“If all men were willing to be coached like that more women would be squirming as well:)
I agree a simple do me in the ear really works but mist guys are afraid to even try that.”
If more men were willing to be coached like that, you’d only be coaching teenagers! Which could be fun….
Depending on the man, he probably only needs to breathe in my ear to crank up the heat….no words necessary!
I’m assuming that this advice goes hand and hand with rejection as far as asking women out on a date too. I’m not really a proactive guy when it comes to asking women out. I need to muster up the ambition to ask one out.
Great blog, as always!
For some reason for me it is very hard to let it go
David-
This is a sore subject for me. I mentioned a few weeks back that earlier in the year I had gotten involved with a woman that I met at Trader Joe’s. It ended abruptly after about three months, when she said she couldn’t do it any more. I’m still fighting the urge to write to her and offer her a chance to change her mind.
It’s extremely difficult to accept the idea that things wouldn’t have turned out differently even if you had done everything perfectly, or made no mistakes. In fact, I think that often there are mistakes. It’s just that the ones that end relationships can’t be undone, just as you can’t un-ring a bell. So I think it’s always worth re-examining and reflecting on why things didn’t work out, as long as you can apply that knowledge to future opportunities, rather than trying to go back and resurrect what might have been.
On another note, I really enjoyed the last couple of videos, although it’s a little painful to see Nick struggle, because I’ve been in that situation myself. You’re right, it’s really about having the confidence to just plunge ahead, even though it feels like you’re working without a net.
Jessica, I am with you to some extent as to a lack of thick skin … but my question on this issue has always been this: How do you navigate the seemingly fine line between “not getting too involved” so that you can just “let it go” when something doesn’t work out while at the same time being vulnerable and open and allowing yourself to connect with people?
We are always given what to me seems like contradictory advice, i.e., that you must be vulnerable and open in order to connect with someone, have intimacy and develop a relationship yet we are simultaneously admonished not to get attached and to “just move on” when something ends (and criticized for having any emotion for the other person).
I personally have never blamed or been angry at someone who simply wasn’t interested in me … I mean you are attracted to and connect with people and you can’t help who they are. But I do get sad when those things occur, which inevitably prompts the “just let it go” and “forget about it and move on” comments from people.
I have gotten to the point though where I think I have mastered the “let it go” part because I never let myself get involved … probably not what this blog is prescribing.
So, let me ask the question in the words Jann Arden so perfectly uses: “Maybe you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive?”
I don’t think that David’s talking about a relationship. He’s talking about dating. Yes you can be open and vulnerable and totally yourself, and yet still let it go if its a few dates. Its when you’ve been living together that it becomes more difficult. Then you do have to lick your wounds for a bit, think about what you could’ve done better or at least different, and then move on. The infamous “They” say six months for every year you were together which leaves me with only eight more years to go….lol. While I don’t believe the infinitely wise “They”, I do remember the three month mark…my house was so peaceful! It was probably about eighteen months apart before I was able to let go. Before, I didn’t define myself as his ex. I don’t know about this thin vs. thick skinned thing. I’m as tender-hearted as they come. Hope I didn’t babble too much!
Hey David, nice vid! It’s edgy, I like. I’ve always noticed subconsciously that when you get ballsy, you get strong reactions. Even if you get a bad strong reaction, that sure is 100 times better than no reaction at all.
About your blog: it’s funny how so many people are just looking to make a quick buck. I’m sure you’ve heard of the website Facebook…there was some ad about “how to get your ex back.” I wish the author was right next to me, so I could pop a balloon on his head. What a douche! It’s one of those things where I thought, “yeah, that might sell, but that mindset is so ass-backwards it’ll probably end up hurting the reader more than it helps.” Like you say, let it go!
I am talking about a relationship and dating.
Life is all about moving on and processing what you need to do to be able to move forward.
You should never pine after someone you dont know…..you have no idea if they are worth it or not.
Life is full of opportunities.
Seize the moment
David,
Yes, life is full of opportunities. The problem is only that none of us is getting younger. The older you get, the harder it is to start all over again.
BobM,
I am listening now DW Mastery Series.
One of the advises there is “Confront them with their own bullshit.’
Writing very nice letters probably won’t help, but telling them that they are not as great as they think they are, may.
You just need to do it immediately, without waiting for months.
Letting go is the hardest thing of all for some of us. As Joan said, this idea could (and should!) be applied to other situations in life. Dwelling on the past, especially our mistakes, is only wasted time.
Jessica, as for how to best let go: Be busy! Fill your life up with all the fun things you want to do. It’s all about maximizing the positive things and minimizing the negative.
Jessica-
I actually did write a few days later, not really calling her on her bullshit, because I don’t think it was all bullshit, but she never responded. She had just gone through a very difficult time with her son, who had been hospitalized with a serious lung infection, and she had to go through a two-week fight with his doctors to get him transferred to a better hospital. When he finally got out, we saw each other a couple of more times, but she said she didn’t want the responsibility of a a relationship any more. She said she just wanted to go to Mexico, where she has some property, for six months or so. She even sent her dog, which she’d had for four years and seemed pretty attached to, to her ex-husband in Oregon. It seems funny, but in a way I felt like I was in the same boat as the dog.
Jessica
Very true that is why I created the mastery series program for men and women,
To get past the bullshit and take control of your life.
Also things only get harder when you believe that they are.
LIfe is all about mindset and without the right mindset you will not be able to do what you truely desire.
I can go deeper into this right now but i have a black lab that wants to go on a hike.
Well I don’t agree with the part about we’re not getting any younger….
Yeah a blow to your ego is never easy, but you have two choices about it, you can worry with it, or you can move on. No one wishes more than me that I could’ve woken up the next day not missing the good times, and when I look back on it now, I wonder how I remembered that there were good times before the last two years of hell. Now the good times are just a pleasant memory, and maybe I’m not as vulnerable as I could be, but I don’t sweat the men. They come and they go, and I just try to keep in mind what an amazing person I am.
Mr Wygant, the video has been pulled from youtube.
I second the letting go thing.
Tonight I went out dancing, and my dance partner doesn’t cease to amaze me.
She is total fiery chaos (socially) and she is irresistibly attractive to me.
BUT
she’s taken, she SMOKES (I HATE it), and she has developed the annoying tendency to be naggy/languid unless anyone besides me extends a hand.
I am always attracted to her presence.
Her downsides are beyond what I can accept.
Now that’s a crappy combination.
You’re in the place. You feel the whole thing going on and you’re attracted like King Kong, you could eat her whole.
And the next moment you HATE what she’s doing.
SUCKS ok?
That had to go.
Let’s move on.
Bertie;
….”but I don
Re the video-It is so amazing to me how much self-possession he lacks. It is especially apparent when he is around you, a man who is inherently confident.
I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, I had to learn this for myself, and the hard-way.
After a 3-year committed relationship with my Ex Finance, she up-and-suddenly broke up with me, about 4.5 months ago. She was th first person in my 30-some-odd years, that I “truly” had loved. Seriously. I put my total trust and heart into that relationship and to her.
The first month was an agonizing hell of “wondering” and trying to figure out what in the hell went wrong. What “I” did wrong, etc.
So, what did I do wrong? Bottom line is: Nothing. It just ended, for reasons that only she understands. It took me over a month to come to that realization and after I did, I picked my cry-baby ass up off the ground and “got on” with my life. I have wonderful new opportunities, now, new relationships and a healthier outlook on relationships, now that I know how to deal with some people’s sudden “change of heart”. Life goes on, it doesn’t stop, and neither can I
Good write up, David. I wish I discovered this site, much sooner, heh.
Welcome to the blog, Wrex!
THis was another great post. I used to take it personal when something didn’t work out. But now when that happens, I just keep going until I meet another. These days women are like tires. When one goes flat I replace it with a new one and keep driving; especially those women residing in LA or the 714 area code lmao
Actually I must be one of the few that will be honest and upfront with someone and tell them, I’m sorry the chemistry just wasn’t there for me, but I had a great time meeting you.
It’s all about making a decision, to treat people the way you wish to be treated.
Who knows maybe I could even start a trend!
Kevin,
I have a question for you. Do you tell your women “I
David,
I agree with your advice, but this is about casual relationships that have lasted hours. I think it’s natural and nessecary to mourn for relationships that lasted longer then one night or 2 weeks.
It’s kind of simple to think a person in a long term relationship could or should just let go of feelings of pain from being hurt.
It’s healthy to get hurt from a relationship gone bad and to talk about it and to even cry. How do you think you learned that fire burns?
I do think that your advice is sound, but should be followed after mourning. For someone that dated a person one night, the mourning period should’nt last as long as the date did.
I personally went through heartbreak from a 4 yr relationship. I was misreble for 1.5 months. That is a long time to be sad, but it helped me understand myself.
Good advice. =)