It Was The Dog I Swear!!!
December 15, 2007 
30 Comments
Proper Farting Etiquette During Sex
By David Wygant
The other night I went out and got into this hilarious conversation with a woman about exactly what the proper farting etiquette is during sex. This came up after she told me she once snuck a fart out during sex and blamed it on her pussy (for those of you who don’t know, those are called quifs). But this blog is not about vaginal farting . . . we’re talking about ass-cheek vibrational tushie farts.
Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all been fooling around, especially after a big meal of Indian food, and we start to feel the little tickle at the end of our anus. Everything is going well between the two of you, and you really don’t want to leave the room to pass gas. Not only that, but if you do leave the room to pass gas, it may trail its way back into the room depending on what you ate and the nature of your digestive tract.
So there’s only one way that you can keep this sexual tension going. You must clench those butt cheeks and hope to God that the fart travels its way back to where it started.
As this woman and I went into this conversation more deeply, I asked the question: “Is there a right way and a wrong way to fart during sex?” We came up with this list of the appropriate and inappropriate times to let a fart trickle out of your anus during sex:
1) When she’s going down on you, it’s not a good time to let out a fart . . . especially if she’s already really not enjoying it.
2) When you’re going down on her is not a good time for a woman to let a fart out. The nose is way too close to the sphincter and the blowback would absolutely keep him from doing anything else.
3) When you’re on top and you’re moving in and out of her, it may or may not be a good time. Depending on how loud she’s screaming, this actually may be a good time to let out a bit of air if it’s a non-smelly one. But there’s nothing worse when she’s concentrating than for her to get a whiff from your smelly anus. So if you’re going to squeeze one out, this is not an opportune moment, but one when you can pass some gas. Also, it is one of the toughest times to hold one in because as you’re grinding on her, your butt cheeks are spread apart and it takes some serious sphincter muscles muscles to hold that little fart in.
4) It is not a good time to fart when you’re locked in a heavy makeout session and her legs are embraced over yours creating a funnel. What will happen is that smelly fart air will travel directly up that funnel and into your noses.
5) If your partner likes to have sex under the covers and you’re both naked under there, I do not suggest creating a dutch oven at this moment. This is not a good time to fart because there’s no one to blame, and that’s a problem. When only two people are in the room and you have no dog, there is no one to blame. So if you have a gas problem and you can’t hold it in during sexual encounters, I suggest you buy a dog. And one final note, certain breeds of dogs are gassier than others. I have an English Labrador who never farts, so I blame my gas during sex on scat.
If you have any other situations you’d like to share regarding inopportune moments to fart during sex, or if you have a system that allows you to break wind during sex that doesn’t include a dog or a cat, please share your solution with all of us.
Back to the coaching, todays video is all about how to use the tone of your voice to make her sexually charged when you first meet.
Now I’m never going to be able to eat a peach without thinking something naughty. Thanks.
I have to ask, so how many women know that black labs aren’t gassy creatures?
At least here, when they don’t breach Lake Earl, the neighbor has a rather odd smell…Guess that would only work if you lived near wetlands though.
Whats a nine volt battery and a woman butthole have in common?
If you stick your tongue on them too quickly, you’re gonna get a shock?
Hmmmm—-that video ended a little “fuzzy” to me;) lol
Yes Bertie I am with you, a peach is a peach is a peach??
Not anymore.
However, I LOVE peaches–and cream;))))))))) MM good!!
even tho you knows its wrong, you just cant keep your tongue off them
Interesting video, David!
Here are my thoughts…
Either you had to give this guy a drink and he would say it the right way
or tell him to do what all actors do – tell him to PRETEND that he is James Bond and he would say it the right way!
Jessica;
LOl You know what—my notification button wasn’t checked so I didn’t know all the banter going on here. lol
This guy needs to be seduced a few times—REALLY seduced!
I think in that, his confidence level would rise—along with other things rising to the occasion;) LOL
That is all that there is in his way of saying 2 seductive sentences…in a low soft seductive voice——–”Isss that peach ripe? Shes going to answer something—then he can tell her “Mmm, well I know a perfect peach, sooo can I smell it?” LOL “Yesssssssss ok here—” as she places the peach up to his nose—hes looking her in the eyes and she is watching him smell the “peach.” Fantasy you say??? Ummmmmmmm…NO I don’t think so. You create your own realities in your mind and MAKE them happen.
CONFIDENCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Key word, inner being, and action for success in EVERYTHINGGGG;))))
Sounds peachy to me, what does anyone else think might help this man???
Jim,
Why is it wrong?
Joan,
I think Jessica is right. He just needs to visualize it. Maybe method acting? Maybe he could be the peach? How do you get guys to loose the nervousness? I mean its happened on a few first dates for me where they seem so nervous that I just want to hold their hands and tell them its going to be alright….Its only me and I’m only scary with a catheter in my hand. Usually the joke is enough, but I have to admit that when they are that unnerved during an approach or a date, I’m not very attracted.
Your blog had me cracking up today.
Bertie;
I think I am the wrong one to ask LOL I swear I need to do a job where interrogation is involved—not that when I am out thats what I do—I just seem to pull people out of themselves and their state of mind to where they feel comfortable enough to talk and laugh without wringing their hands.
..”Usually the joke is enough…” There ya go! It is all about having fun. You are quick witted and this Isee everyday in your post. Use that to your advantage girl.
No one can stay serious for too long if the conversation is light and funny
Well most people have no trouble whatsoever talking to me. Sometimes they talk to me a bit too much. I end up being everyone’s mother confessor. So its really strange to meet a guy who is that way….I’m usually treated as the empathetic ear.
All I have to say is that I have two yellow labs that have the stinkiest farts on earth! no lie. I wouldn’t feel right having sex in front of my dogs though, knowing they are never going to get that kind of satisfaction.
Bertie:
LOL Yes girl, me too. I have always said I am like the “dear abby” of my world. I guess I don’t mind it too much. It is a good thing to have a listening ear. We never know what just listening to someone may do in helping them to get through…you know?
Are you the universal mom of your kiddos friends as well? That one Is a real compliment. My daughters friends request me as friend to their MySpace..lol I love it..they are like my kidddos from very young ages. It is nice to be loved hugh??
Oh yeah. This was the hang out place for all of my daughter’s friends. I even took in my son’s friend for a year while he finished high school. You didn’t think all those nineteen year old boys were on my My Space cause I’ve been datin them did ya? They are all Mitch’s buddies. My daughter’s friends still stop by and say hello. I’ve even had the cops watching my place because my house was full of teenagers when my daughter was still at home, but then she was and still is a delicate flower….and the boy bees loved her. Mitch has often complained to me about his friends thinking his sister is hot. Its a lot of fun and with a few exceptions they’ve always been good kids.
joan
i do not see what you are talking about,
can you be more specific
thanks
Joan,
You were off reading blogs?
How many blogs do you read every day?
Bertie;
Hmmm, yes I took one of my sons friends, who happened to be a girl from high school in because her parents were so screwed up and were quickly ruining her chances of any kind of future or sanity.
I was so frowed upon by many for that decision.
They didn’t sleep together for Gods sake. They both had someone in their lives at the time. It was funny because people thought they were twins.
She still comes to say hello and seems to be doing well. You can see that emptiness in her eyes so I just try to love it away as much as I humanly can.
“Its a lot of fun and with a few exceptions they
DAVID:
Has the “Manage your subscriptions” been at the bottom of the page here?
Very nicely lined up when you click on that. Sometimes I like to back and read a blog, but searching for it gets frustrating.
If it has been there well duh to me…;)
Joan,
Oh yes! I just got a visit from the neighbor boy! He’s 21 so I guess I have to call him the neighbor man now, but he’s home from the Air Force. He’s stationed in England. I forgot to ask where, but he was telling me all about what’s been going on in his life. He was one of the ones that used to wind up here all the time. When he and my daughter were 13 she had the biggest crush on him then when he finally asked her out two years later, she was crushing on someone else. They did go to Junior Prom together….They were so adorable! Its still happening……I woke up this morning and a good thing I didn’t walk out to the kitchen in my knickers like I usually do…..There were two extra boys sleeping in my living room!
David:
It is down underneath the text box “Submit Comment.”
There is;
“You are subscribed to this entry. Manage your subscriptions.”
“Manage your subcriptions” is a link to all the blogs.
Thank youfor answering my questioney;) I was off reading blogs.
There is some really funny banter on this forum when you go back and read and recall.
Do you see where I am referring to??
to DW
I remember being in bed, with no clothes on, and she farted…I was kissing her on the lips, so, it didn’t matter….I laughed, the next day, thinking about what happened..
hunter
about 10 years ago i was dating this woman and we went to mortons steak house for a big meal…steaks wine dessert.
we went home and had crazy sex churning the meal all around in the belly.
we then passed out and i was awaken by this awful smell, i was spooning her and all i could smell was an awful odor that was funneling its way up between our bodies.
i started laughing thinking that this girl was farting in her sleep so bad that she was not even aware that it woke me up.
then all of a sudden i realized it was not her but me:)
i laughed even more that my own gas woke me up.
joan
10 years ago…..daphne is 5.
so lets do the math…..
but i did have a golden retriever at the time but if you must know……and this will really get you laughing,
when i was fully awake i realized that it was my own personal brand.
we all know our own smells:)
both…..
but i must say with her the meal was better than the sex.
she did not last very long in my life.
she was a 2 week kind of fling…long time ago when i was a young lad:)
now i am all about connecting at a much higher level and my diet no longer wakes me up in the middle of the night..
though i must say that daphne is not at all very gassy…….so i can not blame it on her
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh LOLLLL haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
DAVID?????????????
Are you sure it wasn’t Daphne????
Gahhhhhhhhhd so funny!!!!! LMAO
Jessica;
LOL Well, usually one blog a day, as well as catch the comments that come in from others.
Sometimes, like tonight I will think of something and go back to read the blog—if I can find it–where it was at. OH YEAH!
DAVID??
“joan
i do not see what you are talking about,
can you be more specific
thanks”
Although you did not punctuate this as a question, formatably it is a n inquiry?
DAVID??
Do you see where I am referring to??
I guess i “stole your question mark with my qyestion back—-that hasn’t gotten an answer-
LOL
Had to go ther darlin:) It is just the nature of my beast within
The beast of inquiry -LOL
LOL Hey I have always said me and math don’t mix LOL
Well the smell must of been hell
If it woke you up, must have been good dinner and better sex! lol
lol Well from my experience, labs aren’t a gassy breed—now a freaking pug? Most disgusting dog in the planetary system.
My sincere apologies to anyone who has a pug.
I am sorry you knew no better than to own one! LOL LMAO
David;
I am glad to hear you are a higher level connector.
We both know that when you have that, sex isn’t good it is pheunominal.
hmmm farting etiquette during sex. Never really had this problem, as I know what to eat and what not to eat. My ex girlfriend liked to dine out like 99 percent of the time, so some nights were risky; particularly after chinese food. I always slid into the bathroom before sex and let that smelly turd fly(with 10 courtesy flush of course to eliminate odor)thus eliminating da gas problem. And once a shower was taken and off to bed. That’s why I never eat anything too serious before I know sex is inevitable. A good salad will do.
And never ever eat beans, refried or whole., that’s a disaster waiting to happen lmao!!