I don’t believe that you should’ve yelled at her, but I do understand where that emotion came from. Read about my situation, and you will see what I mean.

Personally, I was raised that sex was something you only did with the person you were married to, and that marriage should last a lifetime. So, to me, I always thought that a person should ideally only ever have one sexual partner.

Recently, I’ve come to question this, because I’ve become the only virgin I know. It makes me wonder if I’ve been living a lie, this whole time. I’ve had girlfriends, but the furthest it ever went was a kiss, and maybe a touch or so…

Lately, I’ve been talking to this girl whom I have known since we were 15 years old. We’re now 22. It used to be that she said things, like how I thought. For example, when we were 18, she was engaged to a man I have also known since high school. She and I are pretty close, and she would tell me how she would discuss sex, with her fiance. She told him that she wanted their honeymoon to be the moment. It ended up that she didn’t wait, though. She lost her virginity to him, and soon after things didn’t work out… They split up. After this, she lived on a college campus, and she didn’t seem to care anymore. She had sex with quite a few men. I don’t know exactly how many, but she sometimes talks about things she did with them. It is as though ever since she lost her virginity her whole perspective about sex has changed.

In all honesty, I’m in love with her. She has been my best friend for years, but I’ve wanted it to be something more than that. We have talked about us taking things a little further, but I’m not sure things would work out, with our now differing opinions about sex. I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I should’ve been having fun, this whole time, before I got concerned with a serious relationship. Honestly, the urge has been there, I want to have sex, but I’ve been saving it for that special someone. When she talks about what she has done, I feel like I need to make up for lost time, and that I’ve been so silly for waiting so long.

I know her really well, I love her deeply, and could accept that she has been with many partners if we were to start a relationship. -Even if it does gross me out, when I’m kissing her and I know she has sucked on another man’s penis, because I feel like now I’m kissing the remnants of his gross stuff. I try not to think about it like that, but sometimes the thought pops into my head. I love her so much that she can do no wrong, in my eyes, which is why I can accept the facts of the issue.

There is a part of me that is afraid to just be another tally mark, though. It would mean the world to me, but I’m not sure how much it would mean to her. I’m not her first, not by a long shot, based on her comment, “I couldn’t tell you how many I’ve been with, exactly. I don’t want anyone to know that.” She is already my whole world, what if I give her my virginity too, and she just leaves me? I just don’t know. That is why I’m confused.

She used to think like I do. Maybe if I lost my virginity, I wouldn’t think it is such a big deal. I just like the idea of me being someone’s one and only, and they being my one and only. Or, does eternal love for just one other person, and sharing everything of yourself and themselves with each other, not exist? I’m not extremely religious, in fact, you might call me agnostic, but I once thought I knew what was right, and now I’m not so sure.

I would appreciate your feedback.

Love the way you think.

I see any “new information” as an opportunity to connect stronger with your g/f or b/f.

Ryan…. as much as you were surprised by her number of sexual partners… seek to understand before you “condemned” her and judged her the way you did. That’s really what hurt her.

I’m sure she didn’t see herself as promiscuous… and the way you judged her made her feel cheap.

If her number of partners was too much for you to accept, you could leave her after you seek to understand her position. But you don’t have to make her feel BAD for her past experience before you decide whether her sexual behavior is tolerable for you or not.

I have some girlfriends who I consider very responsible with their sexual life. If you meet them, you’d think of them as highly intelligent, self-respecting and conservative women. However, they are in their late 20s and early 30s. One of them had 22 partners at the time we spoke… and the other one was nearing 50 (she was 33).

All I saw after I asked them more about where they were coming from was this: they were just sexually comfortable with who they are. They enjoy sex… and they enjoyed it responsibly.

As I said earlier, if a woman has a decent active social life, it’s not impossible for her to have the occasional fling or one night stand in between serious relationships.

The math applies for men too, I’m not necessarily condoning a cheap view of sexual behavior… but this is the reality of our current society.

What people THINK is little or a lot is just a form of bias.

For me, I see it as… whatever experience the woman had before me… is just experience she needed to have to grow into the woman that attracted me today! If she didn’t have those experiences (a lot or little), then I may not have been attracted to her today b/c she’d be a different person!

That makes Ryan’s girlfriend’s 40 seem a lot smaller.

Ryan, may I suggest asking her some of the circumstances of her sexual encounters. She may regret some of them, or maybe in the past she feel too fast and had sex with a few guys too early. Heck, maybe she was depressed for a few months and was using sex as a crutch.

I think this situation is a great chance to get to know your girlfriend on a deeper, more personal level. Understanding why she made the choice to sleep that number of men could ultimately help you understand her more deeply.

It also might be the right way to express your care for her and ultimately repair the rift that your initial reaction must have caused. Good luck, and remember she is so much more than the men she has slept with — and you are one of those men.

If a man or a woman is sexually active since age 18… and is today 28, how many partners do you think he or she could conceivably have?

According to statistics, men and women claim that they have sex with someone after the 3rd date.

If someone is actively dating, it’s not that hard to meet at least 1 person you’d want to date a month.
If you go on a date once a week… averaging 3-4 dates a month, it’d be possible to have sex at least once a month. So you make the math… if someone is not into serious relationship but is just casually dating, it’d be possible to have a lot of partners in a year.

Now let’s assume that you are more serious with your dating life… and you find someone you like… and you average at staying with someone for 6 monthsdate each person about 6 months at a time before you decide to continue more seriously or not.

If someone was to date only 2 people seriously a year… for 10 years of active dating, you’d have 22 partners! Now you can adjust your math to accommodate longer serious relationships but how many is really a lot?

As far Ryan, regardless of how he feels about the number of partners his girlfriend had, I think what is important here is that he makes her feel accepted and loved again… if he wants to have her back in his life.

I, also believe, there is a “natural” tendency for the male double standard. I honestly think it may be instinctual… for a man to seek (and find attractive) the “virginal” or “purity” factor. Men are more likely to worry about how their performance compares to previous partners and their egos are very, very fragile… in the bedroom. Women are more likely to worry about how they look (beauty and figure) compared to the previous partners of her man. Am I wrong? I’m coming from the woman’s POV.

Again… let me repeat… I truly believe this is an instinctual behavior for both men and women.

And to all those hypocrites who tell others about God’s Will and why He did this and why He created that…. I will only say this:

“Those who know don’t tell and those who tell don’t know.”

So, Greg, I’m dying to know, how many women have you slept with? Are you a grade A virgin?

Greg, if you had read my post you would have understood that I don’t want a new guy to have sex with every weekend — I was hoping for a regular lover. But if sex is all you want from someone then how high should your standards be? Clean, respectful and free of disease?

I must say it is very nasty of you ro imply that I am a low-quality woman because I was hoping for a simply sexual relationship at this point in my life. The idea that a woman who has had a lot of partners has low standards and is low quality, may work as a labroraroty guideline. But in practice — out in the real world it is a heartless, nasty idea.

I would be willing to bet there are a lot of fantastic high quality women out there who have had a variety of sexual encounters. Perhaps they have high standards for who they want to share their lives with and therefore have been single for a long time — but they still want sex.

This all prompts me to wonder if you are also single.

And AZ I think you are right that promiscuity doesn’t breed love and affection — but if love and affection aren’t what someone is looking for then who cares?

I do agree that a promiscuous lifestyle can be distructive. I have seen it destroy friends of mine who were trying to use sex to get love.

I really wish David would weigh in on some of these responses.