I’d like to share with you an email I received from one of my readers named Ryan. Ryan writes:
“Dear David,
I just got into the biggest fight with my girlfriend, because I was really curious about how many guys she’s slept with. I’ve only slept with three women – I’m 29 years old. I lost my virginity at 19, and I’ve had three relationships, so I’ve never really had casual sex. I’ve been honest with my girlfriend about that. When I asked her how many guys she’s slept with, she told me about 40! I freaked out and started screaming at her. She ran out of the room crying, and now she won’t return my phone calls. What do I do?”
Here was my answer to Ryan:
Ryan (aka Mr. Double Standard),
How disgraceful are you? My God, I can’t believe how many men do this over and over again. How many men judge women based on the number of men with whom they’ve slept? Who cares!
So she’s slept with 40 people. What difference does that make? She’s not sleeping with all 40 of them right now. When you come home at night, you don’t find 40 men in your bedroom waiting to have sex with your girlfriend.
Do you think she’s promiscuous now that you know she has slept with 40 men? She was just expressing her sexuality.
It’s amazing how many men think that it’s perfectly okay for them to sleep with 40 women . . . and even congratulate themselves for it. When a woman sleeps with 40 men, though, men consider her to be a slut.
I can’t stand guys who have double standards. I don’t care at all with how many men a woman has slept. All I care about is that she enjoyed herself, and that she grew throughout her sexual journey.
It’s not the number of people you sleep with that’s important. It’s what you do with them. It’s how you evolve as a person through those relationships. It’s what you learn about yourself from them.
Some of us may sleep with hundreds of people along the way. Why people do that will vary, but the reasons really don’t matter.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, it doesn’t matter with how many people you’ve slept. You should never judge your partner based on the number of people with whom they’ve slept.
Does your partner enjoy being with you? Are they loyal to you? Do they love being with you? Do they love having sex with you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then what does it matter how many people they’ve slept with before you?
You have to accept that being their partner now means accepting everything they’ve done before they were with you. You have to respect their journey and the things they’ve done. If you can respect all that they’ve done, then you are honoring who they truly are.
The minute you judge somebody like you did, Ryan, you probably deserve to have her walk out on you. You were practicing a double standard. Remember that no one is a slut or a stud when you don’t judge.
Today’s video will help you turn off the negative thinking and really help you embrace each persons unique journey in life.
Enjoy and have a great Saturday!
It doesn’t sound like a double standard if he’s only slept with 3 girls :p
Hey, as long as she practices safe sex, it’s much better to sleep with a girl who has some experience since they actually know what they’re doing, what they like, and tend to be more adventurous. And that, ladies and gentleman, is a good thing!
Thanks, David, for putting pictures in every blog.
I don’t think anyone should be judged by the amount of sexual partners they’ve had, simultaneously or not. Women are judged a bit more harshly. It reminded me of a quote from “Cruel Intentions”:
“God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex!”
Noah – I feel the same way about men. And if they’ve had a few flings and a couple long relationships, even better – shows they’ve done their homework, and I get to benefit from that.
This double standard works both ways. There are lots of people who will judge your worth based on your experience and if you happen to be inexperienced, then you get a lot of questionable looks heading your way, most of which are “what the fuck is wrong with this guy, he seemed so normal a second ago before he told me about his sexual past and how pathetic it is?”
What’s your answer for that David?
It may or may not be a double standard. However I think that this guy is more freaked out by the fact that she slept with over 10 times as many people as he had, and felt very intimidated by it. I know that feeling.
I have been with women that put my numbers to shame. I have been with women that make me look like a male slut.
But the only problem that you should have, is if your significant other is with other guys, while she is with you. By that, I mean cheating.
Like the man says, “Does your partner enjoy being with you? Are they loyal to you? Do they love being with you? Do they love having sex with you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then what does it matter how many people they’ve slept with before you?
You have to accept that being their partner now means accepting everything they’ve done before they were with you. You have to respect their journey and the things they’ve done. If you can respect all that they’ve done, then you are honoring who they truly are.”
Ryan,
You should send all 40 guys that your girlfriend slept with a Thank You card because they got her right for you.
Great response to the letter David and a lot of great answers in the blog
. it tells so much more of the other person if they judge you on how many or few you have been with. If you live in the moment it does not matter as this is in the past. Personally I dont care if the person have been with many or few, what matters is now and the fact we are together and discover each other in any way.
WTF who would ask that any ways.. I don’t ask about there past why bother I wasn’t with them then . Plus like David says enjoy the present . I have heard stories of people who can’t comunicate about what they like in bed becouse there partner starts asking them lots of cuestion like how many times you have done or how you learn that . And they get angry when they are told the true . We have to drop the ego you can’t be there first one on every thing .) make up your minds you bitch if she is lame in bed and you bitch if she knows more that you lol
David’s response is a great one. I think it’s ridiculous when people quantify their sexual experiences. You can have sex with 40 people, and 38 of them could have been bad sexual experiences. Or a person could have had sex with 4 people and had great experiences with all of them. It’s too bad a lot people think in terms of numbers when discussing sexual partners, when we should really be thinking in terms of quality — like the connection that you have with each person, passion, etc.
Don’t ask if you can’t handle answer…
Just one thing to be added, there are two standards, not double standards, because Man and Women are not the same by physiology, mentality, purpose on the earth. We are just looks the same but we are not. Sex is not just a F… it is deepest part of relationship that should end up in marriage. In brief if you 40th you’re not a man- D… and there is nothing about loyalty, sexuality, respect. It not even like used car but rental car
Ryan, David can offer some good advice now and again, but don’t listen to him this time. David is flat out WRONG.
First of all, Ryan, you don’t have a double standard. Three people is not forty people! David is projecting on you his disdain for a large group of guys in his mind who he’s met or become aware of over the years who DO have double-standards, while scolding you for something they did but that you haven’t even done. You don’t deserve that.
I’m a man of faith, and I can tell you right now, how many people you sleep with and the reasons, ABSOLUTELY are an issue. If it’s not an issue, then why did you react the way that you did? Why does anybody? Well, people strongly react to those things because God created sex to be soul-binding, and God placed within us the desire to NOT want to share our partner with others and to NOT want others to possess the sexual familiarity we have with our mate. What man wants dozens of other guys having intimate knowledge of his girlfriend’s or wife’s body and what she’s like in bed? And what woman would want that in a man? Sex is meant to be something sacred between TWO people in a lifetime – it’s not designed to be used for casual pleasure with dozens (or God forbid, hundreds) of partners. And I’m not condemning your girlfriend, but forty is a VERY high number, especially for someone in their twenties. Anyone who doesn’t understand this, simply does NOT understand why God created sex to begin with and how God designed sex to work and its purpose (and its pitfalls when used for the wrong purpose). The fact that David so casually dismisses the idea of someone sleeping with even HUNDREDS of people over a lifetime as “no big deal”, is absurd, ignorant, completely foolish, and repulsive, to say the least. One significant point here is that no one could ever hope to build something close and meaningful when they’re sleeping around that much. At that rate, they’re using sex only for selfish reasons and/or to medicate. Don’t ever let David’s casual, apathetic, “no big deal” attitude toward sexual activity kill off your natural instincts about all this. You SHOULD care. Sex is sacred. The foolishness of the world has turned what God created as special and deeply sacred and intimate, into a selfish activity used only for one’s own pleasure while still dubbing it as deeply meaningful (which it’s not), and that’s not how sex is to be used, anymore than a shoe is meant to be used as a hammer. Sex isn’t just some piece of gum you casually shove into your mouth and chew for a while, spit out, and then later replace with a new piece.
Your response to your girlfriend, although perhaps not the most effective, is still understandable. No one I know or have ever known has ever been with that many people, myself included, and I’m 40 years of age and have known a lot of people in my life of different ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, and cultures. You want to invest your time and your life with someone who understands sex. You don’t sound like someone who wants to simply be another notch on someone’s bedpost.
Now with all of that said, you have some thinking to do. But I also have to say, the past is the past, and it’s important that you give your GF some time to cool off, and then forgive her (whether you stay with her or not). But forgiveness does NOT mean you have to feel numb or feel cool with it all, and it does NOT mean that you’re condoning what she did or suddenly treating sex like it’s no big deal. You can forgive someone and still have a problem with what they did. Offering forgiveness is more about you than the other person and it simply means that you aren’t going to let what they did control your every thought, your daily attitude, and well-being. But it will take time to reach that point – it’s a process, not a light switch. Then take some time to sit down and calmly express to her your concern and why you reacted the way that you did. If you still care for her and want to be with her, then share that with her and let her know that if you didn’t care for her and didn’t desire intimacy with her, you never would’ve had such a powerful reaction.
CASUAL
I agree with you, he did say only 3 girls from serious commited relationships. Theres no way anybody could compare long term committed relationships to multiple sex partners & booty calls.
Im not saying that having a huge list of former sexual partners for either gender is fine but theres no comparison
Completely disagree. It IS a womans job to say no – we know this. It’s a man’s job to get the yes.
If the man gets a lot of yeses – it’s because he’s EARNED IT, he had to fight for every yes he got – and we all know how hard that is.
If the woman has said a lot of no’s – it’s because she’s high quality, and she wants the same in a man. If she’s said a lot of yeses – she’s easy, she is low quality.
I am sooooo happy we have boys like David out there. Its about dealing with people with no judgement and funny enough all those WHO responded against David all missed the major issue THE VERBAL ABUSIVE way hé approached his girl friend. Hé is the one with major issue here, his temper.
Okay, after reading this I want everyone’s opinion on my situation. I am almost 30 years old. I have been sexually active for 13 years, and had 10 partners in that time (that is including one-night-stands) and right now I want a no-strings-attached sexual relationship.
I want to experiment and romp around without getting emotionally involved. Ideally, I would like to do this with a person that I have already slept with. But, things aren’t working out too well with that guy. He’s too busy for an affair — which makes me think he doesn’t really want to have one with me.
So, what if I opt to hook up with a few new fellas? A little casual sex over that next year? I’m a pretty good-looking and very sexy gal. If I opt for casual sex with multiple new partners I could be up to 40 partners within a year. Hell, one new guy a weekend would get me up to 60.
Does my desire to experiment and explore my sexuality make me “low quality?” By the way, Greg, I think you’re a judgemental ass.
No, Marina, we didn’t miss the major issue. YOU missed the major issue.
Promiscuity is not OK. And anyone who sleeps around that much will begin to hate themselves. Ryan doesn’t have a temper problem just because he reacted to his girlfriend’s promiscuous lifestyle. Anyone would be upset at that and you don’t know how things progressed between Ryan and his GF that night.
“If I opt for casual sex with multiple new partners I could be up to 40 partners within a year. Hell, one new guy a weekend would get me up to 60.”
You think it’s OK to sleep with a different guy every week for a year?
“Does my desire to experiment and explore my sexuality make me “low quality?””
Do you need to ask?
Do you need a multitude of partners to “experiment and explore” your sexuality?
If you can find a man every week that you’d let have his way with you; yes, you have extremely low standards, low self esteem, and in need of some help somewhere in your life. This is a low-quality girl.
AZ and Greg: what’s the magic number then? At what precise number of sexual encounters does the woman reach “too many, you’re a slut, you’re not wholesome and EARNING IT like the menfolk do”, but below which is a high-quality but experienced girl who gets to choose to be with someone, because she’s a sentient being who has the right to make her own decisions about what she does and doesn’t want? Hmmmmm? Is it zero – sex always bad, a REAL woman would abstain forever – why sully that personal relationship with God when one can join a nunnery, eh AZ? Not every woman has you by her side to tell her what God is thinking of her and having you as her personal conduit for all the lord’s judgments and rule interpretation. And how to know which religion is correct, since obviously we’re choosing to judge everyone by just one religion’s standards. Best just to bag the whole business. Or is it, Greg, as I suspect…a number one more than yours that become intimidating and therefore it’s time to slag all over some poor women who was dumb enough to be honest with you?
Treating a woman as if it is any of your business what choices she makes in love and sex and then being so presumptuous as to determine why someone makes the choices she does and what she should or will feel about those choices is completely obnoxious. And ignorant.
But then, I suspect you’ll both just ignore me and, without knowing the first thing about me, decide I’m a whore.
Hey Kelly, I don’t think you should lump AZ in with Greg. AZ is at least willing to forgive and accept another person’s past. Greg would rather judge and label a person like she is a carton of eggs. “That woman is low-quality. Those eggs are grade C.”
So, Greg, I’m dying to know, how many women have you slept with? Are you a grade A virgin?
Greg, if you had read my post you would have understood that I don’t want a new guy to have sex with every weekend — I was hoping for a regular lover. But if sex is all you want from someone then how high should your standards be? Clean, respectful and free of disease?
I must say it is very nasty of you ro imply that I am a low-quality woman because I was hoping for a simply sexual relationship at this point in my life. The idea that a woman who has had a lot of partners has low standards and is low quality, may work as a labroraroty guideline. But in practice — out in the real world it is a heartless, nasty idea.
I would be willing to bet there are a lot of fantastic high quality women out there who have had a variety of sexual encounters. Perhaps they have high standards for who they want to share their lives with and therefore have been single for a long time — but they still want sex.
This all prompts me to wonder if you are also single.
And AZ I think you are right that promiscuity doesn’t breed love and affection — but if love and affection aren’t what someone is looking for then who cares?
I do agree that a promiscuous lifestyle can be distructive. I have seen it destroy friends of mine who were trying to use sex to get love.
I really wish David would weigh in on some of these responses.
I agree to every single word that David wrote on this issue. Nobody has the right to judge others. And the idea that I forgive my girlfriend what she has done with others before I met her is absolutley ridiculous. It’s none of my business!
And to all those hypocrites who tell others about God’s Will and why He did this and why He created that…. I will only say this:
“Those who know don’t tell and those who tell don’t know.”
First, let me say, I think it boils down to a personal preference and your own comfort level regarding previous partners. What number do you feel is acceptable for a person you’re entering into an intimate relationship with? It may be different for everyone, but it’s there.
I, also believe, there is a “natural” tendency for the male double standard. I honestly think it may be instinctual… for a man to seek (and find attractive) the “virginal” or “purity” factor. Men are more likely to worry about how their performance compares to previous partners and their egos are very, very fragile… in the bedroom. Women are more likely to worry about how they look (beauty and figure) compared to the previous partners of her man. Am I wrong? I’m coming from the woman’s POV.
Again… let me repeat… I truly believe this is an instinctual behavior for both men and women.
I’m not the one to judge here… and I’m not here to say when is too many too many… but religious or moral issues aside, let’s make the math.
If a man or a woman is sexually active since age 18… and is today 28, how many partners do you think he or she could conceivably have?
According to statistics, men and women claim that they have sex with someone after the 3rd date.
If someone is actively dating, it’s not that hard to meet at least 1 person you’d want to date a month.
If you go on a date once a week… averaging 3-4 dates a month, it’d be possible to have sex at least once a month. So you make the math… if someone is not into serious relationship but is just casually dating, it’d be possible to have a lot of partners in a year.
Now let’s assume that you are more serious with your dating life… and you find someone you like… and you average at staying with someone for 6 monthsdate each person about 6 months at a time before you decide to continue more seriously or not.
If someone was to date only 2 people seriously a year… for 10 years of active dating, you’d have 22 partners! Now you can adjust your math to accommodate longer serious relationships but how many is really a lot?
As far Ryan, regardless of how he feels about the number of partners his girlfriend had, I think what is important here is that he makes her feel accepted and loved again… if he wants to have her back in his life.
Right on Kheim, but you left out some of the math — if someone averaged one parner a month he/she would have had sex with 120 people in ten years.
That makes Ryan’s girlfriend’s 40 seem a lot smaller.
Ryan, may I suggest asking her some of the circumstances of her sexual encounters. She may regret some of them, or maybe in the past she feel too fast and had sex with a few guys too early. Heck, maybe she was depressed for a few months and was using sex as a crutch.
I think this situation is a great chance to get to know your girlfriend on a deeper, more personal level. Understanding why she made the choice to sleep that number of men could ultimately help you understand her more deeply.
It also might be the right way to express your care for her and ultimately repair the rift that your initial reaction must have caused. Good luck, and remember she is so much more than the men she has slept with — and you are one of those men.
Crystal,
Love the way you think.
I see any “new information” as an opportunity to connect stronger with your g/f or b/f.
Ryan…. as much as you were surprised by her number of sexual partners… seek to understand before you “condemned” her and judged her the way you did. That’s really what hurt her.
I’m sure she didn’t see herself as promiscuous… and the way you judged her made her feel cheap.
If her number of partners was too much for you to accept, you could leave her after you seek to understand her position. But you don’t have to make her feel BAD for her past experience before you decide whether her sexual behavior is tolerable for you or not.
I have some girlfriends who I consider very responsible with their sexual life. If you meet them, you’d think of them as highly intelligent, self-respecting and conservative women. However, they are in their late 20s and early 30s. One of them had 22 partners at the time we spoke… and the other one was nearing 50 (she was 33).
All I saw after I asked them more about where they were coming from was this: they were just sexually comfortable with who they are. They enjoy sex… and they enjoyed it responsibly.
As I said earlier, if a woman has a decent active social life, it’s not impossible for her to have the occasional fling or one night stand in between serious relationships.
The math applies for men too, I’m not necessarily condoning a cheap view of sexual behavior… but this is the reality of our current society.
What people THINK is little or a lot is just a form of bias.
For me, I see it as… whatever experience the woman had before me… is just experience she needed to have to grow into the woman that attracted me today! If she didn’t have those experiences (a lot or little), then I may not have been attracted to her today b/c she’d be a different person!