Is Commitment Phobia An Incurable Disease?
July 25, 2009 
10 Comments
Are you dating a man who suffers from commitment phobia? You love him and you want a lasting commitment with him, but you just can’t seem to get him to commit. You give each other your heart and you have both put all your feelings on the table, and yet it still seems that you have your life and he has his. He just won’t go that extra step to totally commit to you.
So are you just stuck with man who won’t commit? The Answer is no. There are certain things that will keep a man from committing, and certain things you can do that will turn a supposed “commitment phobe” into a man who will want to become totally and completely devoted to you.
Here are five ways to cure your man of commitment phobia:
1.Recognize That You’re Missing The Main Ingredient: So many women come to me saying something like “I do absolutely EVERYTHING for him, and yet he still seems unavailable. No matter how much I do, he just won’t commit.” Do you know why? The reason why a man won’t commit in the situation where a woman does “absolutely everything” for him, is that one key ingredient is missing.
He isn’t hesitating to commit despite the fact that you do everything for him, but because you are not showing him that you need him. It’s fantastic to be so giving to a man, and men do appreciate having someone do lots of nice things for them. In the end, though, men really also need to feel needed.
2.Stop Being Nurturing Nancy: A lot of women end up mothering their men. Whether it’s because they think men need mothering or it’s just their nature to mother, a lot of mothering takes place in relationships. Now, I know that women are generally very nurturing by nature. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you’re very nurturing by nature you need to be careful to strike a balance.
If you do a lot of taking care of your man, then you need to be equally good at letting your man take care of you. You need to be able to communicate your need for him. If a woman is doing everything for a man and never conveying a need for him, it will feel to him like something is missing.
3.He Needs To Be Tarzan: As a man, we still want in certain ways to feel like a caveman. We still want to have the “I’m Tarzan, you’re Jane” dynamic, wherein we bring home the meat and provide for you. In today’s world, women are so self-dependent that they not only don’t need any support from a man but even sometimes rebuff any attempt a man makes to assist her. I feel like the traditional roles have not been modified, but totally lost at times.
4.Don’t Be Boss Woman At Home: Many women have the mindset of “I do my job well. I am upfront with men about my intentions. I state what I want.” Many women, however, forget that they need to switch off the “boss mindset” when they’re at home with their man. They need to be able to interact with their man differently than they interact with their co-workers.
5.Don’t Over-Mother: A lot of men have been overmothered their whole life. As little boys, when they fell down their mother would rush over to see if they were alright instead of just letting them dust themselves off. When you do too much mothering, men will feel more like boys and less like men.
So if you’ve been doing everything for a man, start telling him how much you want him and desire him. Make him feel wanted and needed. When a man feels wanted and needed, you can do all the mothering you want because he will know that he still can take care of you. It brings a little tradition back to his world.
I am all about women having great and successful careers, making money, buying homes and being as ambitious as they desire to be. If you conduct yourself with your man in the same way you do with your business associates, however, he is going to feel like a Power Point presentation instead of your partner. Love him, show him you need him and this commitment phobic man will be yours forever.
Shit, David! You just hit the jackpot! I mean… my girl friends would do lots of nice things for me… And when I wanna help them out, they would reject me… And I know they want me but they act like they don’t need me… And that makes me feel like a boy! Girls, this is some awesome advice! Do it!
Hey David,
this “Don’t Be Boss Woman At Home” is so true!!! I mean, most men who have lived alone for a while have figured out how to wash their cloths and how to vacuum their flat. And even if a woman does this much better…. Let your man do his thing and let him do it his way. If your way is better or more effective, he will notice and learn one day.
By the way, your “Just the Tip” Newsletter is hilarious. I was ROFL for a minute or two and it brought back sweet memories…
I agree, rejecting assitance is like being rejected when asking someone out. Of course, it depends on how she is doing it. Also, if she keeps on rejecting your help thats also not nice.
I echo Hamburger on the “Just the tip” newsletter – hilarious. Possibly a bit immoral, but still hilarious.
On nurturing… totally agree. Girl’s who fuss over a tiny scratch you picked up that day are not as desirable as those who call you a “clumsy clot”.
However if you’re in a bad way after being hit by a train or falling off a cliff… the nurturing is much appreciated.
I would add to David’s excellent list, this: Don’t try to change us. Give us an up or down vote as we are. We need beer, sports, cars, and adventure just as women need makeup, shoes, dramafests, etc. Don’t try to take us away from that which keeps us centered. Otherwise, we’ll run like hell.
May I add a comment? I have a bf that has mentioned numerous times that he likes to ‘rescue the maiden in distress’ and ‘spoil his woman’. For awhile that was wonderful, it made me feel desired, respected and cherished. I would verbally show my appreciation and in return did nice things for him – remembered special things he liked for small, occasional gifts, cooked him dinner on the evening he returned from working out of town for several days (maybe a little au naturale), got him tickets to a game he wanted to see, left him little ‘thinking of you’ notes in his laptop bag, etc. I didn’t flood him with things, just enough to let him know I really appreciated him. It didn’t take long before those ‘rescues’ and that ‘spoiling his woman’ became either very infrequent or nonexistent. So, don’t say you want a woman to treat you well if you don’t intend to continue the same in return. That’s hurtful and confusing to the one that cares about you and deserves/enjoys to be treated well and cherished.
Now my question for all of ya’ll men – David said you like to feel that your woman ‘needs’ you. I can understand that. What isn’t said is HOW do you like a woman to show you that? (Example – see above comment – my bf used seem to like to ‘save’ me when I had something I couldn’t fix on my own, needed advice on something I respected his expertise/knowledge of,etc. I make sure he knows I desire him and need him emotionally, sexually, etc.) Are you speaking of emotionally, physically, knowledge of repairing a toaster – what? Most people like to know their s.o. needs them, but I think I am speaking for most women when I ask ‘how/inm what aspect do you like a woman to show you she needs you?
Give him love and attention…Let him know you are King of your castle and also let the man know hey you are my hero. Some women think that they can argue to get their point across. How many children did he have by her. If a man/woman has 2 children and the woman is arguing because she did not get her way. Then there is three children he has to raise. It also depends if he mature or immature male. I have dated a few of those commentment phobes in my lifetime but actually the relationship only lasted a couple of months and I was out looking for someone else.
I have a situation….. can somebody help….??????
My BF was my best friend first…. we are very comfortable with each other and share everything…I have known all about his other girlfriends, family etc etc…. and we give each other the freedom of choice and space… n we thought we can move ahead and be with each other for all our lives…. but all of a sudden he is freaking out and thinks that although he loves me a lot and trusts me a lot… he is just not the commitment types… he just can’t take it and he feels guilty about it as well…… and i am not ready for this…… HELP!!!!!!!!
nancy – i hear you on that one too. i think some guys are seriously afraid they’re going to lose themselves if they commit. another aspect is that although they may not even be looking for another woman, the fact that once they commit all other options are off the table is also scary for them. they also don’t want to have to account for their time or activities to anyone, the “you’re not the boss of me” attitude can pop up. i think therapy or something similar is going to be the only way some men will ever end up committing.