I used to be you. I used to be “that guy.”
I used to be the guy who would go out and get validated by sleeping with women. I used to be the guy who would go out with a bunch of guys every Friday night to cruise bars, try to meet hot women, and try to get as many women’s phone numbers as possible.
I used to be that guy trying to do all that stuff — going from bar to bar and place to place — looking for the best night I could possibly have. I used to be that guy who would actually go home with girls to whom I wasn’t even all that attracted. I mean, they might be okay or kind of a cool girl . . . but they weren’t who I wanted.
The women I really wanted always had left the bar two hours before, but my ego needed validation so I’d be with women I didn’t really want just to be “that guy” who could get women to all my friends. I had to prove to them that I was the guy who could pick up women.
My ego needed that validation. I used to be that guy. I remember being that guy in my 20s.
I recently had a great coaching session with a guy in his 20s, and we were talking about this very subject. As we were talking and reminiscing, I found myself being amazed thinking about how many women I would have actually connected with if I knew then what I know now.
I would have connected with women on much deeper levels and would have had much better connections with them. I would have met women I wanted to meet, instead of allowing my ego to dictate with which women I’d have sex or ask out on a date.
Back then it didn’t matter to me about the kind of connections I was having as long as my ego was getting validated. As long as I got validated by women, I was able to connect and hook up with women.
A lot of guys are like that. I used to be like that. I used to be that guy. That’s why I totally understand what all you guys are going through and what you really want.
You don’t need to have constant validation, because truly connecting with women is one of the most unbelievable and amazing things you can do. A lot of guys don’t understand that until they get older.
What is so great about coaching you guys and really getting inside your mindset is that I understand where you want to be. I’m so jealous and wish I could be in this mindset I’m teaching you when I was younger, although it’s so great to be able to help you and see all of you get there now.
I used to be you. Now I can help you become the most powerful version of you.
That pic is me David. Creepy Stalker Guy in the bar. LOL. It’s so sad how many guys (myself included) have gone to bars when it is the last place we want to be, let alone one of the last places where I would meet someone who was right for me.
I’ve decided to pick up your “Dating to Win” Series. I keep saying I’m gonna buy one of your products. It’s well past time. and now I gotta put me money where my mouth is. Cheers….
Its strange, I come from the opposite place than you did.
I’m really good at connecting with people, especially women. I’ve got a bunch of female friends that I’m really close to. And they really are my friends, its not just an underhanded way of trying to sleep with them or anything like that. But when it came to actually getting women into the bedroom, that’s where I’ve always struggled. I’ve had a few successes in the past, but it always felt more like dumb luck than anything done on my part.
Its gotten to the point now that I have the view that the more a woman is willing to do with you, the more she values you. So a guy that a woman has sex with is more valuable to her than the guy she’s friends with, because she willing to do more with the first guy than the second. There’s a part of me that knows there something seriously wrong with that logic, but my experiences have taught me that to be the case.
So yes, I’m one of those guys that chases women for validation. My logical brain tells me its a lost cause, but I do it anyway.
Hahaha… I’m that guy.
It’s creepy.
BTW love the new redesign again. Now I can see your handsome mug. Cool!
MY BROTHER SAID IT BEST” HOW I CAN TALK TO COMPLETE STRANGERS, ABOUT LIFE’S
MIRACLES AND WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY,FRIENDS AND WOMEN….NO WAY ABSOLUTELY 100% ”
NO WAY.
BUT I AM THINKING THAT IT’S MY EGO..MY BIG TIME EGO….I’VE ALWAYS BEEN THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO ALWAYS WANTED THE BRIGHT SPOT LIGHT ON ME…AND KNOW SINCE I’M GETTING OLDER IT’S NOT ON ME ANYMORE…AND THATS WHERE I HAVE LOST MY COMPOSURE
CONNECTING WITH WOMEN,WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND EVEN MYSELF..
Hey David. Great blog, actually great poem. It definitely flows like a poem. I used to be that guy not too long ago actually, reminds me of the mindset I cannot go back to. Thanx David.
Exactly. That’s why I want to learn and form a mindset from my age even dough I’m 18. I also would like to really be a part of the comunity and learn learn learn. The biggest problem in my case is that I live in Europe,Romania so…what chance would I get of actually meeting David or even talking for some minutes with him. I don’t have the money but the least I can do is learn from you guys from the blongs and comments and hope that you can help me once in a while. Thanks David for the great post, kinda maked me feel better.
In the beginning of a relationship, I think everyone looks for validation in the other–or better put, SEES validation of himself or herself in the other. This is completely natural. What we are seeing is our divine nature reflected back at us–that’s why the beginning of a relationship is so special. In a way, it’s love’s advertising campaign. We wouldn’t put themselves out there without the promise of discovering this joyful divinity within ourselves and the other.
As we open our hearts, we allow the great river love to flow through us, and as it does so, all kinds of detritus gets loosened from the river banks. The broken toilets of emotion, the rusted Ford Fairlane chassis of regret, the dead batteries of despair, and old tires of bruised ego. Why does this happen? All I can think of is that the purpose of love is to heal, and wounds cannot be healed if they are buried under layers of personal silt, rubble and roots.
As our flaws and walls and wounds become exposed, we begin to see this in the other person. A rude awakening. Suddenly, the thrill is gone, and the high of experiencing, well, God, seems to evaporate. This, too, is a completely natural part of every relationship. Really. We are both divine and human.
I noticed that at this stage of a relationship, what we often do is squeeze our hearts closed out of fear. We want the churning crap to stop so it doesn’t keep banging and knocking around, causing us pain. We think we are protecting ourselves, but really, we make it harder to heal. And because less love comes through, our ability to feel and give love is diminished.
Getting beyond this means working through our need to be validated by our partners, and learning to validate ourselves. It’s a lot to ask a partner to constantly validate us 24/7. We all have our issues.
Getting beyond this also means keeping our hearts open, and that takes a huge amount of courage.
Ooph. Sorry for the lengthy and heavy tome. You’ll have to excuse me. We Topangans can be light and fluffy, but never on Sundays.
Great message Dave but unfortunately I think that I will have to go through that phase until I reach where you are. It is just what I am into now. I don’t think it is an ego thing for me but just a thing for pure lust and the satisfaction of having options for sex. I know it is a messed up logic but it works for me right now.
Thank you. you’re sparing us all the trouble you’ve been through. you’re a good man, my friend
Mike,
You can talk to David or any of his coaches thru Skype since you live in Romania.
Furley,
I was you. I was the opposite of David. I never was the guy trying to bed every girl… but I was the that was always close to women… but didn’t know how to “close them”.
I did go through my phase of going to the bars just to meet people, to learn to be social… and to see where it goes….
But I’ll tell you this my friend, if you can’t get the girl… it’s because you aren’t having enough self-respect for your “man” side.
You got to learn to be more honest with your desires (especiallly your animalistic sexual side). Once you learn to own the fact that you ARE man… and that you like to hang out with women because they ARE women, then you’ll realize that it’s easy.
It’s about learning to express out your sexual desire, your romantic intent to women without fear of the outcome. Women WANT you to WANT them.
So do you let them know (through all your behaviors)? Do you show them the lover side of you, even in your daily interactions?
Khiem,
Thanks for the words of wisdom man, its much appreciated.
To answer your question, no, showing the lover side of me has always been a struggle. For most of my life every time I told a girl I had feelings for them, they would disappear. So my life experiences had taught me that if you want to keep a girl around, you should never tell her that. I know that’s f’d up, backwards thinking, but that’s what I learned.
Only recently have I become more comfortable in letting my lover side show, and my success has risen as a result. I’m no super ladies man or anything like that, but now flirting with women doesn’t seem like the scary, bid deal it used to be.
Its something I still struggle with. But I’m getting better.