How To REALLY Get Over A Breakup
May 29, 2009 
14 Comments
The phone rings and you hear the dreaded words “We need to talk.” Then you get the knock on the door, your significant other comes in, and everything spirals down from there. The next thing you know, you’re hearing “We just aren’t connecting the way we need to be” or something similar to that. Whatever the specific phrase is, someone has just broken up with you.
Let’s face it, it’s never good to hear any form of the words “We need to breakup.” If you are hearing those words, though, then you need to know two things. First, you need to know that this happens every day to people (and not just you). Second, and more importantly, you need to know that you can and will feel better.
So let’s talk about what you can do to not just temporarily feel better, but to really get over a breakup. Here are 6 steps to get you totally over a breakup.
1.Ditch The “Poor Me” Syndrome: The first thing you need to do is to stop thinking about all the things you could have done to prevent the breakup. Don’t think about that one time you didn’t call, or about whatever you’re thinking about in this mental mind game through which will be tempted to put yourself.
Instead, really think about why the relationship didn’t work out. There is no one particular event from the past that if you changed it would change the breakup outcome. Breakups are the result of a series of events. So dig deep and think about what this relationship was really about, so that you can embrace the lessons it has for you. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
2.Avoid The Alcohol: Right after a breakup, it may make you feel better to go out drinking with your friends and ‘trash talk’ your ex. The next morning, however, you are going to actually feel even worse. Your friends have great intentions. It would be better for you, however, to go out with your friends and do something fun that doesn’t involve alcohol. Spend the time with your friends really talking about how you feel and having your friends listen.
3.Go Ahead And Grieve: It’s perfectly alright to grieve after a breakup. It’s actually healthy to cry and to grieve when a relationship ends. So don’t be hard on yourself if you want to spend a week crying your eyes out and being really sad. It’s really is quite healthy to get all of that out of your system. The people who suppress all their feelings about a breakup and never allow themselves to grieve are the ones who will never learn the lessons they need to learn from the experience.
4.Put It Down On Paper: Do some journaling and write down all the things you’re thinking and feeling about the breakup. After you’ve shared your feelings with yourself for a few days, you’ll start to notice that you are feeling better. You will be better able to discover the deeper issues that caused the relationship to end. You will also learn what lessons there were for you in that relationship, and become much more clear on what you really want and need in a relationship. So start journaling and start being really honest with yourself.
5.Don’t Give In To “The Replacement Theory”: There are many people who mistakenly believe that the best way to get over someone is by finding someone else to replace them. I call this “The Replacement Theory” of dealing with a breakup. Unfortunately, this strategy will not help you really get over a breakup, and may actually cause you more pain in the future.
Do not start dating someone new too soon after a breakup. Do not start looking for the next relationship before you’ve taken the time to get over the one that just ended. The people who start dating too fast after a breakup usually end up repeating the same failed relationships over and over again. This actually leads me right into my last step.
6.It’s All About You: After a breakup, spend at least thirty days just doing things that you love. Connect with friends. Take long walks. Go and work out at the gym. Do whatever it is that you really enjoy. Do things that are good for you. This time should be spent getting yourself healthy and embracing yourself.
Breakups are hard, but it’s in the aftermath of a breakup that our greatest lessons are learned. If we can learn the real issues that caused the breakup, then we won’t repeat the same failed relationship again. So stop blaming yourself and start looking deep inside yourself. When you do that, you will not just “deal” with a breakup. You will truly get over it.
Sadly, I’ve had one too many friends who’ve drowned their sorrows with alcohol after a break-up…
Another great post, David! Kudos to you!
When my last husband left I went through a rough depression because of the things we shared in our marriage. But in my mind I had someone else in mind. As time went by I started to look for myself within and what kind of woman I was. I got to know this individual and come to find out he had feelings for me as well. No I did not have an affair with this guy. But it takes time to heal the wounds of a broken heart. Love on the rebound is not the answer. If someone walked up to me and said I will get you to forget all about him just spend some time with me now how did they purpose to do that. When a person has spent more than five years with someone it is hard to get over them. But I took the time and spent some time at the recreation park we have and let my thoughts just leave me. Feeling sorry for yourself is not another way out. Definitely don’t take the easy way out and kill yourself. People have friends and family that they can go to that will talk to them and try to help them find help. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help….help is out there.
Hi David,
the “Replacement Theory” seems to be very popular. I had two cases of friends who broke up with their partner and married somebody just a couple of months later. Oh, one of them was an ex of mine, actually…
I used to drown in self-pity when a girl broke up with me, but it has changed over the years. If my partner wants to leave our relationship, then this relationship is doomed anyway. And it is better to end it sooner than later and give both of us a chance to recover. And to find somebody who resonates better with our personality.
And I never play the blame game anymore. A relationship means two people and it is never the “fault” of just one person, if a relationship doesn’t work.
What I really hate is the “let’s stay friends” approach. It often let’s the person who didn’t want to break up hang in the air for weeks or months or worse. Of course, if two people shared a lot of good things, they can stay in contact. They may even be friends. But when a break up occurs, all aspects of the relationship have to be “re-negotiated” and for the first few weeks it is usually the best to avoid any contact.
I really like the advice about taking a few days to “grieve,” because I think so many times people will give you the advice that you need to just “get over it” — but I think that you actually “get over it” much more quickly if you do take the time first to let yourself grieve and let out the pain/sadness.
I agree that doing things you like doing is essential. Often after a break-up you feel like the world’s against you and you find it easier to be by yourself than socialising. Doing some of your favourite things will get you socialising with people as well as feeding you mind positives to focus on.
Thanks, David.
I’m a month fresh off of a breakup where I was completely blind-sided. I only have good memories and that’s what makes it so sad and heart breaking.
I’ve definitely grieved, put it down on paper and have thought about myself these last few weeks. One step each day and, I know, in time, I will be ok.
I think we should add another point, David. Take a moment to see what was good in the relationship and be grateful for that.
My ex and I broke up back in March and I did take some time to grieve the relationship. I still like my ex in some ways… but I know it’s not meant to be. Instead of just blaming myself or her… instead of taking things personally and asking “why did this happen to us”… I took some time to really re-evaluate what was good… what I could learn from it, what I could remember and cherish for the rest of my life.
By taking the time to do that, I really felt better. I wasn’t bitter towards her for the break up… and I actually went to see her this past weekend in Vegas for the first time in 3 months since the break up.
There is still some lingering attraction there between us…. but after talking to her, I realize that I’m OK NOT being with her.
It helped me clear my mind to feel ready to move forward with a girl I’m currently seeing.
i have just been though a breakup, he left me 3 weeks ago today. id like to say that im moving on but i am not. it hurts but im active and working. i miss my rings, i know that sounds strange but i feel naked without them. i hope im not the only one.
breakups usually come when the other person has met someone else. that’s the way it goes. Even when the woman says, “NO, there is no one else,” I have found that indeed there ALWAYS is. Knowing that makes breakups harder to take.
It’s been 5 weeks since my boyfriend for a year broke up with me. I was completely blind sided. He was beautiful, amazing, sweet, intelligent and everything I could imagine my partner to be. In the end, when he broke up with me it was because I wasn’t wordly, didn’t have a college degree and the age different (16 years) bothered him. He nicely put that I was beneath him and wanted something at his level. I wish this was something established a year ago. I still cry everyday. The rug has been pulled out from under me and I cannot breath. Unfortunately, I have become dependent on the alcohol. I have friends but no family to turn to. I’m ready to start feeling better. =(
I meant worldly* in the above message, sorry.
Idk, the “replacement theory” has always worked relatively well for me.
GFTOW – I don’t know if this works for women, but for many men it does wonders. It’s a caveat to #5 and addendum to #6 … often a man is under control because of sex and that stuff needs to be worked off to get back to an emotionally stable state. Safe sex and all that…