How To Keep The Conversation Going
July 24, 2009 
23 Comments
We went to the movies last night, and I’m glad we got the tickets for free. We saw the movie Paper Heart. It stars a woman who is probably the most unappealing actress I’ve ever seen. Her name is Charlyne Yi.
She wines when she speaks, has the worst posture I’ve ever seen, and looks like she has neither showered nor washed her hair in months. She looks like she would smell.
So how she got a movie about love, I’ll never figure out. Of course she doesn’t know what love is (which is the basic premise of the movie), since the way she dresses and carries herself makes her reak of insecurity.
What a complete and utter waste of time. The worst part of the movie was that we brought a picnic to eat during it and never got to eat it because of the “Men In Black.” No it wasn’t Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones . . . but two men who stood in black suits at each side of the theater for the entire movie staring at the people in the seats. Their suits looked like those ones you can buy three for $149.00.
Then, at the end of the movie, they just left. I’ve never been to a movie where there were security guards wearing black suits.
Why were they there? Did they know the movie was this bad, and worried that we might attack the movie screen? Were they there to wake us up when we fell asleep during this awful movie . . . or was this just another oddity about living in La La Land. I’ll never know the answer since the “Men In Black” disappeared before we could find out who they were.
Enough about bad movies, Men In Black and picnics that can’t be eaten. On to today’s main event . . .
So, what do you do when the conversation stalls with someone?
You have to think to yourself, what do I know about this person? What have I learned about this person?
A conversation should never stall. There might be no chemistry, and you might not have “it” with that person, but you can always reignite a conversation and give it another shot. How? Well, what have you already learned about them?
So she’s from Japan – you’ve learned that. You’re currently in Seattle studying. If the conversation stalls, you can just look at her and say, “so what do you miss the most about Japan? Is there one thing that you really miss about home?”
Get her to talk more emotionally; get her to talk about her feelings and about what is going on. In this way you can re-engage her and she can answer, “you know what I miss the most about Japan? I miss the food; I miss the culture…” whatever it is.
“What is it about the food you miss?” Ask her like you’re talking to a child. When you look at any kid and you ask, “what’s bugging you today?” They always answer, “nothing,” and you have to prod them a bit. You say, “alright, come on and tell me what’s bothering you.” Then the kid will say, “well, I didn’t like dinner.” You ask, “alright, what didn’t you like about dinner?” – do you see how you are paraphrasing the child’s words to get them to open up a little bit?
Sometimes talking to women is like talking to a five-year-old. You have to paraphrase her a little bit – but don’t talk in that same little kid voice! But you do have to get her to open up a little bit.
Another reason that was a fantastic example is that you opened up what I consider to be the hardest culture of women to open. Japanese women – oh man. Chinese women are tough, Filipino women are very shy and hard to open up, but Japanese women are just about the most difficult to open – because of their culture.
What is Japanese culture like? If you ever go to Honolulu, the men are walking and the women they are with are like five or ten feet behind them. The younger Japanese women still have that as their parental example even if they are a lot more modern, progressive and hipper than their parents.
The culture is different now, but still, Japanese women are tough to open. But once you open them up, they start laughing and smiling. So that interaction all together was really fantastic.
To get the conversation back on track, instead of thinking to yourself, oh my god, what do I do here? How do I save this conversation? Think to yourself: what do I know about her? I can ask her a question based on something we’ve already talked about and I can take the conversation deeper.
Tell me how annoying is she?
I like the point about talking to girls as if they’re children. I’ve been in many situations where I’ll ask what I consider to be a really deep interesting question and only get a one word answer.
Oh yeah David, you are right about that. Filipino women can be shy. Same goes for the Filipino guys. But if you really persevere, they’ll open up.
Thanks for the blog! I’ll keep these tips in mind when I converse with another Filipino woman… or any other nationality for that matter.
Great blog. It’s really going to help me and everyone.
Dont have a problem with having something to say, but end up saying too much too quickly!! (As you probably remember from September
)
so how about girls you bearly know but dont remember anything from them?? how do u get them to open up to you and reach that immersion in the conversation?
by the way my email is jimihendrixgod@gmail.com and UHS_playa93@hotmail.com if anyone wants to contact me
Hmmm… how do you “prod” without “interrogating”?
Hello rob
I’m not an expert or a psychologist, but from someone who used to be very meek and timid, and found it hard to make friends I can offer you a decent piece of advice that has been repeated time and time again on DW’s blog, and will likely be repeated again and again here, in addition to what I learnt on a BC in London.
Bring yourself back to the moment you met her, recall some funny moment from the party or wherever you met her. Remember what you observed and bring her back to the moment that the party provided you, along with all the feelings (it helps if it was a great party!!)
Recreate that moment with confidence, enthusiasm, great eye contract, comfortable body language and soon enough if shes interested she’ll open up and youll have a great conversation going. If you dont get her number, no big deal, youll likely see her again if you met her previously and gather up a bit of history between the two of you and the moments you shared.
Get out of your head man and go for it!
Add me if you like peterwcox@hotmail.co.uk
PS To be a bit more clear dont worry if you know fuck all about her, bring her back to the environment!!
Best of luck
Pete
Ok, so this article goes into specifics about cajoling a women into talking more. So eveyrone, what about shy guys, how would you get them to open up and get their chat on? Anything you guys would wish women would ask you about?
In my opinion, this kind of conversation can go boring very easily… Because I experienced it myself… It took me quite a while to learn how to keep things interesting through this kind of convo…
Rob,
If you know nothing about her… that leaves EVERYTHING to talk about. You can ask her about anything because you have not yet covered it yet. You can talk about where she lives, what her hobbies are, holidays, friends, what she does for a living, anything she wants to do in the future… and you can tell her those things about you.
This will bring you closer together as you both gain an understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes, and what you have experienced. Then you can use what you have learned in the future – maybe you decide to delve deeper into a certain subject.
PeteC – How you doing?! We should meet up sometime for a beer. You left Univesity yet?
Talia,
How to open up a shy guy. I used to be shy, so maybe I can give you some good advice on this. Shy guys’ main problems are:
1. they don’t share stories, experiences, information and feelings to others
2. lots of them don’t ask how people are, what they’ve been up to, did they enjoy it, etc…
3. they don’t give complements
4. they’re not plaful
So for each of these points you need to counteract them, as shy guys don’t lead the conversations, that means you will have to.
1. Tell them stories, experiences you’ve had, things about yourself and your associated feelings. And after each one, ask them to reciprocate. Put them on the spot and ask them to tell you a story, tell you about somewhere they’ve been, about what they like and dislike, and how they feel about what is being discussed
Letting them know that you liked hearing about what they’ve told you will encourage them to do it more often… and change their behaviour for the better.
2. Instead of just asking them “are you all right/ how are you?” when you see them, try telling them a little bit about your day… then asking “what have you done today/this week then?”. They are more likely to tell you something, rather than saying “fine, thanks”.
3. Again you need to lead. Giving complements (for some reason) does actually require qutie a bit of confidence. Give him a complement on something, several times… see if he starts to give them back. If not you can ask him what he likes about things… eg “How much do you like my coat?, how much do you like my ass?” to force one. And then act pleased when you get one. This will start to give him the confidence of giving complements more often.
4. You need to be playful with him first. The main reason he will not be playful with you is that he feels it would be inappropriate and get him in trouble. Let him know you like a bit of playful behaviour. Ask him silly questions, slightly erotic questions, dare him to do things, say things which are obviously not true to get a funny reaction. Have childish fun.
Over time doing these four things should change his behaviour so he becomes more comfortable telling people things, giving complements to people and making them feel better, taking an interest in others and being more playful.
Hope this helps
Justin,
Thanks a bunch for your input and breakdown of the subject. I especially like #4, upping the playfulness. That’s been something I’ve been a bit worried about. Mainly, trying to keep a guy in that risque flirty banter range, rather than have him slide into his well tread platonic conversational default.
Thanks again,
Talia
Hey Justin!!
Nah man, I’m still at uni but im around London for a few months if you fancy doing something until September. Definitely would love to hang out again, drop me a fb message or email or something
Pete
wow guys thanks a lot
hey pete u online in msn right now?
hey rob
yeah im on msn atm
Rob,
If you don’t remember the girl, treat her like you’ve never talked to her before. Most likely, if you don’t remember, she might not remember you either.
So you have plenty to talk about. Talk about what interests you… and what interests her!
this is a fantastic blog, very helpful, thanks everyone!
okay…good tip
thanks david
hey david, be careful of those guys in the stupid cheap suites. Last time I messed with them (I was wondering why they were staring at me while I waited in line for a ride) they ended up being the body guards for the prince of saudi arabia. Not a fun time to squeeze my way out of….