How To Have A “Proper” Breakup
June 30, 2010 
14 Comments
I get asked a lot about how to “properly” break up with someone. Breaking up is really a hard thing to do. I’ve written about this in the past, but I keep getting this question. So maybe I should tackle this subject again.
Breaking up is tough. You could do it like Sylvester Stallone and break up with someone via FedEx.
You can also can sit someone down, look them in the eyes and be 100% honest with about how you feel. You can tell the person exactly how you feel about them — that you love them as a person but that you no longer romantically feeling them anymore. You can tell them that you’re great as friends but not great as lovers.
Honesty is really, really hard for certain people. By being honest, though, you are allowing someone not to live with any doubt or questions, and it allows them to move on. It will of course hurt in that moment, but then that person can start healing and move forward.
Too many people don’t allow someone to heal. By being honest with someone when breaking up, though, you are allowing them to start healing.
So share with me today some of the toughest times you had breaking up with people. I’d love to hear from you guys.
Omg. My last breakup was not fun at all. Usually I am okay with her decision and want to hear the why because that’s what I also do when I want to stop the relationship.
She couldn’t tell me why she thinks that we should break up. She left me with so many questions. I took really long to forget her.
If a woman wants to be really bad then she only needs to do what I mentioned.
Honesty is always a plus in ones character!
Breaking up is hard in any scenario…
it also depends why you broke up. eg the last couple of break ups I have had have been due to moving to a new place for work (or returning home to Perth for personal reasons). It hasn’t been due to stopping loving each other. So in this case the distance either makes the heart grow fonder and becomes a motivating factor to do more to stay together eg one following the other… or letting it slip away…
In any break however as Dancer says – honesty…. is vital
and if it is due to external factors – choose what is important in your life and go for it!
Ladies – if he is lukewarm and you break up over that – if you really do love him despite it – maybe leave the door ajar so if he comes back and he is serious about it… (ie you have not become the fallback or options girl) then there may be a wonderful future.
My last breakup was not a pretty one. She left me to be with another guy. I think her move really hurt my self-esteem. I couldn’t date for awhile but now I’m back in the market:) I wish I came across this blog a lot earlier.
I think breakups are healthy especially when there is no need for each other. I have gone through some really bad breakup in the past. I learned a great deal from it. I will be the first to admit I have made a tons of mistakes and the great thing is that I’m always learning from those mistakes.
Cathy J: are you saying you are in a long distance relationship now because you had to move?
What if there were a website that had all of our dating history. So before you go out with a man/woman you can look up their name on the internet and decide if it is worth it to date them based on their past history:)
This s a great topic. I don’t like the fact that it brings up my past and my pas break up was a very sad one. She cheated on me with my best friend. When I asked her to tell me the truth, ofcourse she lied. I always wondered why we lie when we can just say the truth and help the other person heal. Its a screwed up world I think. Women and men are both equally guilty I think.
Time heals all wounds in the heart Clint. I think you are a great guy and don’t let your past dictate the future.
Julia:
That was well said and sometimes its so easy to become impatient. So far time hasn’t really heal my wounds but I’m hoping that it happens. Love soemtimes hurts a lot.
my ex girlfriend broke up with mia via chat..
Personally,
The easiest time I had healing was with a girl that broke up with me, and was straight with me. We sat down, and she laid everything out on the table. I had turned her gay!
Not really, she just allowed herself to realize that she was. Instead of hating herself, and lying to herself. That was a good thing. I was over it within the next couple days.
The worst one I had, was my most recent ex. She gave me the “It’s not you, it’s me.” bullshit. And tried to stack lie after lie after lie on top of that. Including still wanting to be friends afterwards. As well as maybe getting back together in the future, after she’d had some time to be stupid and young.
It’s been over a year and a half now (btw, it has also been over half the length of the relationship), and I STILL have trouble getting past the thoughts that sometimes plague my mind from it.
Yes, David, I am working on not past-thinking (or future-thinking). Especially in this area.
And this is why I asked if you have moments of self-doubt, when I took the bootcamp. Because THIS is what makes me doubt myself.
The worst break-up was I had was this. This guy slowly dissociates himself from me, because he got back together with his ex.He’s pretty coward about revealing it to me. (I somehow know through other people almost when he doesn’t call me anymore).Soon the phone calls would shorten,so would the ‘dates’.Soon, he no more calls me or picks up my call ( Which I made only 2 times in a 2 week span ).I take the clue that he’s such a baby to even break-up and I stop calling.Then he calls me after 6 months to “get in touch” because he’s single. I tell him I hardly remember him and I wouldn’t prefer to !
I don’t know how much I cried, how much I got hurt when he disappeared out of the blue.So much pining, so much confusion, but I had my self-respect to keep calling or texting him why.When someone doesn’t reciprocate, though it hurts, I just don’t act like a baby with him.
Later I realized break-up’s are such a gift ! When someone thinks we’re not right for them, then they must be darn right. But damn it, atleast be man enough to break up with the person.
When I break up with a guy or realize I don’t feel any chemistry after first few dates, I always make sure I let the guy know I think he’s great but we may not be a good match, because keeping someone hanging in anticipation is bad karma and I surely can’t be such a low human being.
When someone breaks up with me, I don’t ask the guy “Why???”. I just don’t see a point. For some reason, the guy thinks we won’t be a match. What’s there in it to take personally, as if we’re in relationships to improve ourselves, so we could attract someone ?
NO, we’re in relationships to find someone who can be compatible with us, not to learn how to ‘retain’ people that don’t suit you on so many levels.
So I don’t ask “why?” when a guy breaks up. Similarly I won’t appreciate the why question.It already hurts a bit to be rejected.Added to this, telling him that I thought his sarcastic sense of humor was lousy would only be like rubbing pepper on the wounds. Or how about this: that I think he’s an inconsiderate guy who’s always selfish and doesn’t care about others opinions/feelings? Instead,I’d just tell them, I just don’t feel we could a match and leave it at there, no matter how much the guy pressures me to tell him.That’s all he needs to know.I don’t give a guy the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine either. It’s the most boring routine I ever heard of. Instead, why not just put the blame on ” connection as two people” instead of putting it on the guy or yourself ?
Note to David :
David,You’ve no idea how much I love your voice.I’m an amateur singer and I always love sweet sounding yet powerful voices.You’ve a great voice culture when you talk.I could just keep listening.The pitch, the volume, the pace, everything is soo perfect.
However, I really feel turned off when you use the ‘f’ word.I don’t know why, I’m not a fan of hearing the word, and it shocks me when it comes from a gentleman like you. I’m not expecting you to do anything about this, just wanted to let you know.
I need to learn how to write short and sweet. I may, one day ! Until then, I’ll teach you guys some patience to read my long comments !
My opinions on breaking up: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and be a man about it, if you are breaking up with her, be honest, strong and direct about it to her face no matter how hard it may be it will be better in the long run and she will respect you for it (if it she doesn’t show it). If she breaks up with you for whatever reason, take responsibility for that too, if a girl cheats on me, it’s an indictment on me, not her, I wasn’t being man enough for her, or perhaps I should never have agreed to date her in the first place, either way I always take full responsibility for what happen, I don’t blame anyone nor do I act like a victim.
I BEEN WITH MY EX FOR 10 YEARS, WE HAD 4 GOOD YEARS AND 4 BAD WITH 2 HALF AND HALF, WE HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS TOGETHER. WE WERE VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ONE ANOTHER, FOR 4 YEARS. I BROKE UP WITH HER AND GOT BACK WITH HER 3 TIMES. SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABUSIVELY SHE NEEDED ME TO STEP UP THE ROMANCE, THE ENCOURAGEMENT AND THE BASIC RIGHTS OF THE RELATIONSHIP, I NEVER REALIZED HOW VERBALLY ABUSIVE I WAS UNTIL SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. I APOLOGIZED FOR HOW I MESSED THE RELATIONSHIP UP FOR MY PART, SHE ACKNOWLEDGED HER PART BUT NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR ALL SHE HAD DONE, THEN BECAUSE OF THE CHILDREN WE HAD A LIVING SITUATION WE HAD TO DEAL WITH WE BOTH LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE, WE AGREED TO MOVE OUT AND GO OUR SEPERATE WAYS, WE BOTH NEEDED TO SAVE UP MONEY TO COMPLETE THIS GOAL. SO FROM JULY TO NOVEMBER WAS THE GOAL, MIND YOU I HAVE COPD AND CHRONIC ASTHMA AND WAS VERY VERY SICK, I WAS IN THE ICU ON A RESPIRATOR FOR 36 HOURS, CAME HOME AND SHE BROKE UP WITH ME THE NEXT DAY I FIND OUT SHES DATING HER SISTERS FIRST COUSIN(NOT BLOOD RELATED) WHOSE A SEXUAL PREDATOR FROM FLORIDA. IM IN SUCH A HAZE BEHIND THIS, I JUST NEED SOME FEEDBACK AS TO WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR THE SAKE OF MY KIDS.. I APOLOGIZED FOR ALL MY RELATIONSHIP HURTS AND PAINS EVEN GAVE HER FLOWERS EVERYDAY FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT, BUT SHE STILL SEEMS VINDICTIVE, II TRY TO KEEP THE PEACE AND SHE FINDS A WAY TO START THINGS UP. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK…….