How To Handle Rejection: 5 Essential Tips
January 15, 2009 
32 Comments
So there you are at the deli counter getting a ham sandwich, when that person you’re attracted to comes and stands next to you at the counter to order a turkey sandwich. You’ve seen them over and over again at the store, and you finally have the guts to turn and smile at them . . . and they do NOTHING in return. They just look at you almost like you’re not even there. They almost look right through you like you don’t exist.
So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you possibly can, saying to yourself “I will NEVER do that again. This doesn’t work. The next time I go back there I am just not going to smile anymore.” Is this the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection? More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become “good” at dating that you will no longer get rejected?
The truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to being successful at going out and meeting people. It’s also not the ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are 5 essential tips on how to handle rejection which you need to embrace if you are going to have a full and successful dating life:
1. Change Your Expectations. One of the first and most important things you need to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you. Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you. Not everyone you make any sort of gesture to is going to respond to you positively (and in some cases won’t respond to you at all). This happens, and it will always happen at one time or another. You need to stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. What you have to realize is that just because somebody did not smile back at you, does not mean that you’re not an attractive person or that you made a mistake by smiling at people. The only thing it means is that it did not work with that ONE person.
2. Life Is All About Rejection. Think about everything that you do in life. Everything in life has rejection involved in it. If you’re a sales person who makes ten sales calls, you may only get one or two of those people to say yes. In baseball, a player whose batting average is around 300 will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. In football, if a quarterback can complete 55% of his passes then he is doing pretty well. You get the idea. If you go to a store to buy a pair of jeans, you may have to try on five pairs before you find the perfect pair. Everything in life is about percentages. In any area of your life other than your dating life, you wouldn’t just quit simply because you experienced some rejection. Think if quit looking for work after your very first interview didn’t result you getting hired. That would, of course, be ridiculous. So remember that you also need to keep going in your dating life when you’re rejected, because you want to keep increasing your odds of success in that area of your life.
3. Focus On Increasing Your Odds: When you feel like you are getting more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those rejections you need to focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by playing the percentages as I mentioned above, that you WILL be successful. The reason is that every time you take action – every time you smile, say hello or walk over and initiate a conversation – you get better at it. If you’re going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, and that’s it, then your chances of success are not going to be great. If you are this person, you need to increase your odds every single day and in everything you’re doing. You need to understand that if you approach someone and get rejected, it’s not a reflection on you. It doesn’t mean you did it wrong or shouldn’t have done it at all. It in fact could mean a million different things. Maybe the person was having a bad day. Maybe they have just lost every cent they have in the stock market. You’ll never know . . . and it doesn’t matter.
4. Keep Things In Perspective: I hear some version of this from clients of mine all the time: “David, what if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I’ll never be able to go in that store again (or that gym, that donut store, that Starbucks or wherever) and I’ll have to drive to the next town to do all my shopping!” You need to get a little perspective here. Let me tell you something – you’re not front page news! When you’re rejected, you need to just get over it. I promise that if you’re rejected by the deli counter at your grocery store, that the next day you will not see on Yahoo’s homepage or the front page of your local paper this headline “John Smith of Memphis, Tennessee was seen yesterday getting rejected at the deli counter of the local Whole Foods market … details on pg. 6 …” No one is talking about you. People are concerned about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are focused on what’s going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal to anyone else but you. You need to keep this in it’s proper perspective: No one is going to be talking or thinking about you getting rejected except you.
5. Don’t Overreact: The other thing I most commonly hear from clients who have been rejected is some version of this: “I’m NEVER going to talk to that person ever again now that I was rejected by them.” This reaction is not only a total overreaction, but it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried to talk (or smile or look) at someone, and they didn’t respond. As I mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not respond to you. Maybe that person was simply having a bad day. Think about how many times you have been having a bad day and someone smiles at you, but you are just not in the mood to interact with others. So you have to realize that just like you have days when you just aren’t in the mood to talk to anyone, so might that person who didn’t respond to your hello at the deli counter. It doesn’t necessarily mean that person wouldn’t want to talk to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn’t respond, I don’t play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. What I do is be equally friendly to her the next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time. You never know how someone will respond the second time. You never know what’s in their head or what they’re feeling. It’s a different day. Put the last time behind you.
These are some ways to help you get over rejection. You have to realize that in order to get good at interacting with the opposite sex, you are going to get rejected. In fact, you WANT to get rejected every single day, because if you’re not then it means that you’re not trying.
So ask yourselves this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle, but indeed to embrace, rejection and you, too, will meet great new people and have an amazing social life.
OMG, putting things in perspective is always so important no matter what seemingly negative situation happens to you.
Just by changing my perspective on things, I sometimes realize that it’s not a big deal… and THAT makes me feel better
Love the way you turn dating into the bigger picture of life. Really like these blogs but since you brought the jedi mind trick into the picture this is a quote from Yoda himself.
“Happens to every guy sometimes this does”
Remember whenever you do something for somebody never expect/demand anything in return. Whatever you did you did because you wanted/liked to do it and that was reward enough. This way you will never be let down by somebody else and treat anything that come back to you as an added bonus.
I never do anything to get rewarded, my reward was what I already did for some else.
Uhh I sound so nice on paper…I can hardly recognize myself…
Everyone have a great night
Getting rejected once a day sounds like a step in the right direction for me, but I don’t want to become known as that guy on campus. David, when you’re single, how many times do you get rejected each day?
Thank you! Those are the usual mistakes of people who can’t handle rejection.
I really like reading your blog and I agree with a lot of things. It is always good to read some different stories so we don’t do the same mistakes as other people did.
In my experienced there were really times that I can easily tolerate rejection/s in whatever manner and there are some moments that I am not prepared to accept it. It’s about someone’s mood. I know good physical exercise helps a lot.
I agree with lionking. Physical exercise is probably the best boost to my mood I’ve found thus far.
I used to fear rejection. Still do in some ways. It comes from a competitive nature. But what helped for me was getting older and a little wiser. The successes started to feel better than the rejections and I started to hope for more success, which is in line with positive thinking.
I also used to weigh 290. The low point in my life. When weight is a factor, at least for me, I had an easy thing to blame, but I also made it a point of being a victim because of it. When I made up my mind to start leading a positive life, I started excercising, mostly walking, and I feel better every day that I found a way to drastically reduce my weight. I’m around 220 at 6’3, still a small belly, but I’m working my way to a six pack.
Rejection is just one of those things that no one likes, but you just have to get over it, and move right along. Kind of boring to be stuck in that mode of the victim, or your own personal pity party.
David, that’s right on the spot. Something that Sean Stephenson said really relates to this. He said that when someone rejects you it’s like the day you’re not in the mood for Chinese food. That doesn’t mean that the Chinese food is bad you’re just not in the mood for it, or maybe you just don’t like it, whatever move on. Now to implement this mentality
When I think about rejection, it seems to me to be a good thing in a lot of ways. Let’s say one manages to successfully employ a PUA method and attract 99.9% of the women that he comes in contact with, that person still has to deal with the vast majority of those women not being right for him. Now when one is truly themselves and get rejected a good deal, then for every time he gets rejected, that’s one less woman that he has to take time to interview (date). Of course, if it’s a bad day situation, then later on, a rejection may later turn into acceptance, but that’s not worth worrying about, especially if one has never met this person in his life. It’s amazing how a rejection can spark so many emotions and make so many people stupid (myself included).
Dave
Wow. Is it really that unusual to smile and say hello to people? In Texas we just call that manners.
I smile and say hello to everyone. I still rarely get a date with people I meet out and about. I’ve been meeting a lot of people online. It’s just easier. Maybe I need to go to one of your bootcamps someday.
“I promise that if you’re rejected by the deli counter at your grocery store, that the next day you will not see on Yahoo’s homepage or the front page of your local paper this headline “John Smith of Memphis, Tennessee was seen yesterday getting rejected at the deli counter of the local Whole Foods market … details on pg. 6 …”
man that’s way too funny D.
Samuel are you the person I spoke with Monday?
Since you guys quote star wars here’s my crack at it. I sense that the force is strong in Mike
congrats on your goals keep going!
And Dave that is a very true statement.
O yeah and for the blog hehe it resonates with me especially the part about embracing rejection everyday.
thx and yes you indeed sound good on paper Marina.
Yeah Yakub
This was a wonderful subject for the day…and no doubt for EVERY day: specific points with an explanation – not just the cliff notes. It’s easy to tell someone else not to let something get to them but when it happens to YOU, it feels like the end of the world. But I find that if you stay in the moment, others overhearing this failure, setback, whatever – are even more receptive.
Think about standing in a checkout line and the person in front of you abuses the checker, often unwarranted: I always make sure that the checker knows that I heard and thought that they handled the situation well. I give them recognition for remaining professional and pleasant to the next customer (me) and make sure to thank them after the transaction.
It works the same way when people are trying to connect with others the way that David shows in his videos. I probably make a better wing-woman than primary but I am trying to learn. If I see a stranger making an effort to be sociable and it falls a little flat, I will do something to step up a bit. I make conversation with the person who got shut down or even tell them that the uncooperative party has “issues” – anything to make them feel a little less diminished, maybe even lucky that the other person did not respond as anticipated. Just consider it a dry run and move on.
It’s a rare quality that today’s points are guiding us toward and it’s called “resilience.” So very few of us have it in any appreciable amount but it is a key to true success with mental balance. The success is not in scoring, but in playing…and you can’t win if you don’t play.
K right about cheering someone if somebody has put them down eg the check out person, often depending on the person that abuses the checker is too having a bad day, I have often broken that energy with a saying out loud it’s all right we all have one of those days”, surprisingly often it’s broken the ice of the abuse. Nice entry about resilience, that too with so much has to be practiced as anything else, I have just always had a Fuck it.. attitude towards life. But as anything in life there are times where you need some more handholding and have a harder time not feeling it as if it is the end of the world.
Have a great RR day
Vince,
thx all warm and fuzzy now..serious just stick to the paper. Me in a saranwrap is a scarry sight..LOL Well si since I am preparing you to life and training everyone including myself to som RR.
You are soo sweet but I am already have a TBF, we meet at this PUA party. He is a darling, we just clicked and he knew exactly what I was all about, is’t amazing. Just warming you up to rejection resilience RR.
Everyone get out there and fell Greaaaat about being rejected, look at it this way it’s just like little kids learning a new language, they just babble and babble sometimes not making sense on the new language, but they learn faster this way not being afraid of details. And she goes on and on…I guess I never grew up either. Make it a Theme to begin with Today I will try to get rejected atleast 3 times.
Enjoy,
Awesome post David! Could you touch on conversation skills and connecting with people in one of your future posts? These are two items I am trying to work on now, and I’m curious how you became so good at both of them.
- Ryan
You are so right David, I’ve been guilty of unintentionally rejecting someone in public just because I was upset about something, feeling sick or so focused on my to-do list. Lots of reasons. I walk away thinking ‘darn I should’ve been more open to that guy.’
As some of you know, I met someone this past month, and we previously worked together about 3 years ago. He was married, me divorced. We talked small talk most every work day. Knowing he was married, I never expected a relationship. But, some days he was just plain crabby, a bit rude, other days a fun guy. I tried to just be friendly and happy towards him back then. Fast forward to now, and he finds me on Personals. He just told me the other night that the last year we worked together he was going through a terrible divorce. I had no idea. And he said that my smile and happy conversation meant the world to him; it was the bright point in his day. He says that now having me in his life is the most awesome thing ever. I had no idea I was brightening his otherwise horrible days back then.
The point perhaps is, you never know when someone will come back through your life. And it could be the most awesome relationship you could hope for. In retrospect, I would encourage people to follow what David has written here. Don’t internalize and/or blame the other person. They owe you nothing. Hold strong and be your happy self and move along. I know I wasn’t good at handling rejection, and sometimes I over emphasized a simple look of disinterest. I was miserable most of the time. It just wasn’t worth wasting my emotions on negative encounters. I learned how to move on and stay in the postive mindset. Sometimes it’s a matter of breaking old bad habits.
We need to present positive, happy and genuine. You never know who’s watching, and who will remember you sometime later on.
One time, I remember myself felt like nervous going to a gathering of our relatives and family friends. I felt like I have a socio phobia at that moment. My mind was telling myself that most of them ( my cousins )are already married and some have their own children. Some of them are already engaged and I have no one with me to attend the gathering.
You know what I did to overcome this negative feeling? Before going there, I jumped 10 times, get inside my car , turned the engine on, the radio on and look for a lively music and sing aloud if I know the lyrics. Anyway my car windows were closed, no one noticed what I did.
After doing such funny ideas, I felt heat coming out of my body and my blood seems flowing through my head and I drove my car and went to the gathering without those negative thoughts.
Thx for the rr Marina! haha I’d still wrap you up with something but not saran wrap. lingery perhaps?
lionking – your right its an awsome way to change your attitude. Plus I can add a ” I’m EXCITED !!!!I’m EXCITED !!!!!!I’m EXCITED!!!!!!!! bam! you feel great. don’t remember where I picked that one up.
Once, when I used to go out dancing a lot at the same club, a guy who was with a table full of other guys, asked me to dance. I had never seen him before so I turned him down. But I watched as he went back to his table and his friends began to make fun of him (as guys sometimes do…). So, I went up to his table and asked him to dance and he said yes. I’m so glad he gave me a second chance because he was great – and his friends were very quiet very quickly! Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?
Elle-nice lady you are. Honestly there are cases where I would not have given a guy a second chance. I liked it that you did it after you saw his friends poke fun of him.
Lionking,
Great way of doing it, see any time I feel kind of sad in any way I will either hum/sing/play it in my head.
This happen to be one of my favorite movies it’s the song from Life of brian where they sing
“Always look on the bright side of life. Turns things around right there.
Yes j-dude “Oh’ sweet mystery of life – At last I’ve found you”
I am sorry to open a negative thoughts in a blog about Meeting women in a Grocery Store. For me it some sort of discussion and I am happy for lot of response. Made me smile reading every lines.
Rejection is a tough thing to deal with and I always say that if you’re not failing, you’re not succeeding. But I personally have been there where it can become too much. This is why I like David’s tips here. Putting things in perspective has always been the thing that has pushed me over the hump.
Rejection is all over too. It could be as basic as getting cut off while driving to work. It pisses you off, but you somehow still get to work. Some of you have been rejected from a college or two. Has it stopped you from getting the education you wanted? I sure hope not. There are more important things going on in your life to allow being rejected by women hold you back. I personally would rather be rejected a million times before I get it right with one girl – and have her end up being someone very special in my life. Remember, you are working toward a special goal and in any important part of your life, your progress will always take you two steps forward and three back before you actually get into some consistent success.
It’s not a big deal – at least to those around you. There’s no outside pressure. It’s only coming from the inside. These tips I believe will help you relieve that internal pressure.
thats just true, and about the overreact, you also don’t know what is that person who didn’t smile thinking, maybe she was too shy and maybe she thinks “oh god, i should smile back that guy”, you never know
Great article! I think that many people can value from your insights. Found your site through google, and will be coming back again!
Deb – I really like your comment – the story that you shared about your co worker going through a divorce and you didn’t know that you were brightening his day. Isn’t it funny how if you would have taken offense to his “off” days when he was crabby, he might not have had the same wonderful thoughts about you that he did? But you were a great example for us all. Instead of taking his crabbiness personally, you simply chose to enjoy the moment… And look what it got you.. A man that thinks the world of you and knows what an amazing woman you are!