How To Get A Guy To Chase You
May 30, 2010 
30 Comments
I love when I get questions from all of you. I actually want to get as many questions as possible from you. I’m writing blogs every single day. I write four blogs a day, so if you want I can keep answering questions in the blog. I mean, this is what makes my job a lot of fun.
I received an email from a woman who wanted to know how to get a guy to chase her. Chase – interesting.
I hate chasing women. I always hated chasing women. I thought it was such a waste of time. I really did. Either a woman is interested or she isn’t.
Even in college, women wanted me to chase. I got bored really quickly.
Granted, I’d ask her out. We’d hang out. We’d have a good time. I’d call her back. She would call me back. We’d get together again. We wouldn’t sleep together for a little while. You know, I’ve got to earn it (or build the trust). Whatever.
That, to me, is the version of chasing that I enjoy. It’s like a tennis game. It’s a volley. I like you. You like me. I call you. You call me back.
What I don’t like, and I disagree with, is the whole “I call you and you don’t call me back for three days” thing. A lot of women thing that by playing hard to get, that a man is going to want them more.
In reality, though, the only kind of guy who likes a woman who plays hard to get is the one who only is interested in sleeping with you. It’s a conquest for him.
I know in my 20s — in my “hound dog” stage of my life — that I loved when women played hard to get and would ignore me. I really did. It was fun when they ignored me.
I’d run into them a month later and say, “Man, are we ever going to hook up and go out?” I would just play the game right along with them.
After a while, I found the game to be such a waste of time. There are so many great people out there who don’t want to play games.
I think the majority of people don’t want to play games. So if you want a guy to chase you — if you want to play games — then you’re really just wasting your time.
The best thing to do is hand a guy your phone number and say, “Give me a call.” If he doesn’t call you, then your reaction should be “next!’
The best thing to do when a guy calls you to go out on a date, is call him back within 24 hours. Call him once. Don’t call a guy six times.
Call each other once. If the other person doesn’t call you back, then move on.
Really, stop playing all the games. Games are boring.
If you want to play a game, go play softball or tennis. Games are such a waste of time.
Best article yet! I wish every woman would read this I know I will be forwarding it. Girls don’t realize the great guys they miss out on by playing games because quality men don’t chase.
I call once,leave a message (god forbid anyone answer the phone anymore)…she doesn’t call me back,I look for someone else.
Interesting….
I have an absolutely different perspective.
If a guy calls and leaves a message with his number, I don’t call back. If he is someone I already know and perhaps even a FB friend, I might send a quick note eg sorry missed your call, this is my number. If he doesn’t call back, he can’t be too interested. And besides how would we even know what he is calling about???
If you are interested, at least have the decency to actually speak with her and ask her out.
Some women are not into numbers. A woman can tell if she is a number and if she has a healthy self-esteem, why would she bother calling back! She probably has quite a full and interesting life including a fun social schedule, so you would need to make her want to consider you for inclusion!!!
[I am interested to see comments back on this one
]
Cathy,
I believe that David is refering to people that you have met in person.
At 34 years old, I agree that it is a waste of time to just play the ‘Hard to get’ game.
I have met girls (yes, I am downgrading them for a reason) who play this game.
It holds no interest for me.
And I have met women (again, the differentiation) who will call/email back.
Games are for kids. Some of us are getting too old to be playing all the games.
David,
Great blog. I personally don’t like the whole “play hard to get” game either. It is such a waste of time. I know someone is playing hard to get with me, when they are interested and such when we talk in person, but when we are on the phone and I ask her out, she says: “I’ll let you know”. Next time I see her, she’s showing all kinds of signs again that she is interested.
Some women just like being chased. The result is that these types of women might end up unhappy in the long run, because they can’t attract REAL men.
I think that if a woman doesn’t want to go out with a guy, she just has to say no. Don’t say something else and give the man false hope.
Some of us can actually hear “No” and be ok with it. And I mean the word “No”, not “I’ll let you know” no, or any other kind of similar no’s
Cathy,
If a guy talks to you and he’s interested in you and you give him your number when he asks,He calls,leaves a message and don’t return his call…why give him your number in the first place??? Just say “Sorry,I’m not interested” And he’ll move on.
It’s rude not to call back.
It’s smart to want a man who who seriously interested, not just looking for something “easy,” unless you are, too.
That’s one reason women start playing games — I think it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.
I’d argue that not calling back isn’t being intelligent about it, though. Its’ no wonder guys give up. You can get a man to chase you (and like it) in more effective ways. …
David,
I have a long had to deal with the “chase” syndrome that some women seem to feel is a requirement from men, in order to spend time with them, or get them respond to your enquiries of interest. My laymans term for this behavior is called, “Trophy or Prize mentality, Syndrome”. I feel the women who require this “chase” before committing to a date, have been taught this “syndrome” from either past societal pressures, (old TV movies, books, romantic comedies, etc.), or overprotective fathers, who indeed, want to keep boys away from their daughters, hence, teaching them to require boys to chase them endlessly, before giving them the time of day. In my opinion, this is a fading syndrome, now that women’s liberation is a reality, and the “chase mentality” women are aging and finding it harder to get men interested. I feel, the disorder will end with the next generation of young ladies, who are now reaching the dating age level. Hmm…
I do really enjoy this blog. We are all accountable!!
I reread my comment just now and realised I must have had a different idea in my head. Of course if someone goes to the trouble to call and leave a message then call back.
Kay
I totally agree – if you don’t it is rude – I also mostly ring back other numbers who don’t leave a message just in case it is a business call or some other wonderful reason!
Kevin
The situation you mentioned is different than the one I mentioned. I do not think it is good manners if a woman gives you her number then has no intention if you call. Remember that sometimes also life happens and maybe it wasn’t the right time and that is okay too.
I suppose I meant if someone sms’s or a short online message such as ‘This is my number if you want to catch up’ from a guy just doesn’t do it for me – although like some comments above – if I was already interested I might. Usually I have responded in the same form – sms or short online chat back. That showed (I think!) politeness and if he wanted to follow up he would.
For men – even if a woman doesn’t seem interested initially, why not take that as a challenge and begin behaving in a way that causes her to look at you in a new light – a potential mate!! If you persevere…. sometimes it does work.
The chase is fun, though, right? I don’t mean playing games or taking a certain number of hours or days before returning calls or texts; I mean keeping just a little bit of uncertainty about what’s going to happen. A little bit of hot and cold is so much more intriguing and interesting. A little bit of tension is so much better than complete straightforwardness. (And I learned the hard way from being too straightforward in the past.
I have a very different approach than most, or for that matter David I think. I ask my self the question; does my gut think the person I’m contacting appreciate it?
In fact that goes for platonic friendships just as well. I might try and brake it down in two ‘rules’:
1) Do call back within 24 hours. (I do have a tendency to get nervous about it at times, so a limit imposed on myself works for me).
2) Don’t waste any time ‘monkey chattering’ about what when where how. Just send what you honestly believe would be the good thing to say.
3) In opposition to the previous point, DO take time to write with suitable grammar and spelling. This is just a matter of showing yourself not to be an imbecil or disrespectful. I’ve been turned off from girls because of this; don’t look dumb or analphabetic.
I’ve always felt that asking for the phone number serves as little more than a quick ego boost for both parties. I think that the ones that are flakes should really come as no surprise. I feel a better way is to end the interaction like this- I like you and would love to see you again. Let her take it from there. They pretty much always tell me their schedule. At least this way she is meeting you half way(a more balance of power). This way you can get to know each other better before the usual routine. This is basically flake proof.
As far as the playing hard-to-get or scarcity creating more desire routine, since Cleopatra practiced it, I guess it will be around a while longer. There is a womens website that swears by this technique. I would imagine it works since women have been doing it this long. I feel that if someone is willing play this game of manipulation for many years maybe they should be rewarded with a better deal.
I like to think that you shouldn’t play hard to get… but you should give people reasons to want to be with you.
When you are a great person… and people can see it, they’ll put in the effort to at least contact you.
But it’s also your job to reciprocate. Dating is a 2 way street, just like any form of communication.
i may have phrased it as ‘chasing’ too. but now i realise i mean- a guy to really want to be with me.
this was really helpful can u right about hoe to get a guy into you without playing games ?
Well, actually I rather ask: How to get a woman chase you, right?
Women are so bored every single day receiving compliments (even if some of them might not be sincere and hiding secondary game), guys staring at her, and many others asking for her approval, receiving favors of all kind…for free.
They definitely recharge their sense of Queen of the Hill every single day.
Women actually dream about her prince, if ever exist (remember? they always ask where are real men? women need to change their contact lens and see a little better).
We, as men, need to improve ourselves at this point. Stop looking for the ‘quick’ solution to our sex driving fuel combustion.
We need to get our inner manhood in order, and it doesn’t mean go and beat someone else.
It is about to come back that state (not ICE age) where we were chase by women, if you are looking back few decades before today, all the way down to our oldest ancestors, it always was in that way.
We (men) help women to be in that Silly and immature state that last between their 14′s long before their 50′.
We need to get our own position back (no as ‘macho’, rather be a completed man). Like those ‘Manhood Initiation’ made on Africa . Or something like that.
We have to work in our integrity as a man.
Be sophisticated (not too much), dress well, get interested in culture of all kind (this mean get rid of fast food mentality, even with sex), burn your energy doing sport, be interesting, and we’ll see women chasing us.
Chasing women is good when they play their part as… women, good enough.
Now, they are all playing like Lady Gaga.
If you persevere… it will work.
All BS……lol…this is funny. I see stuff like this all over the internet. It’s so funny that guys write all this crap about how they “hate the chase” and find it a “waste of time” etc etc etc….blah blah blah…
Ladies please do not fall for this crap. They are only saying this because they KNOW good and well that when a woman ignores them it is their biggest power grab and they don’t want to lose their power.
When guys say “I love women that come on strong” etc etc they mean it BECAUSE they WANT the ego boost. I have been this person so many times and am so sick of it. You are the girl who boosts his ego enough for him to have the confidence to leave your ass and go for the one who makes the fellow work for something.
Sorry but it’s all true. It’s not about playing games. It’s about not giving yourself away too easily. It is human nature. When something is too easy it is NOT VALUED and is discarded FAST.
Guys are just going to continue writing this crap all over the net so women will fall for the “I have respect for women who don’t play this game” stuff….they don’t.
And it’s not about “faking” it. Have your own life….keep your distance….protect yourself from getting too close to someone who you have NO IDEA of their intentions. THIS is who people respect and want to get closer to.
It’s not just with these kinds of relationships but with all. Think of how anyone treats you when you throw themselves at them, see approval, open up to fast, throw caution to the wind and/or wear your heart on your sleeve? They back off because they thing to themselves ” Wow…does this person not value themselves enough to find out whether I am a piece of worthless crap?” “Guess NOT!”
When you are willing to give your heart and soul to anyone who shows you some attention you are a chump..plain and simple.
Best!
All BS……lol…this is funny. I see stuff like this all over the internet. It’s so funny that guys write all this crap about how they “hate the chase” and find it a “waste of time” etc etc etc….blah blah blah…
Ladies please do not fall for this crap. They are only saying this because they KNOW good and well that when a woman ignores them it is their biggest power grab and they don’t want to lose their power.
When guys say “I love women that come on strong” etc etc they mean it BECAUSE they WANT the ego boost. I have been this person so many times and am so sick of it. You are the girl who boosts his ego enough for him to have the confidence to leave your ass and go for the one who makes the fellow work for something.
Sorry but it’s all true. It’s not about playing games. It’s about not giving yourself away too easily. It is human nature. When something is too easy it is NOT VALUED and is discarded FAST.
Guys are just going to continue writing this crap all over the net so women will fall for the “I have respect for women who don’t play this game” stuff….they don’t.
And it’s not about “faking” it. Have your own life….keep your distance….protect yourself from getting too close to someone who you have NO IDEA of their intentions. THIS is who people respect and want to get closer to.
It’s not just with these kinds of relationships but with all. Think of how anyone treats you when you throw themselves at them, see approval, open up to fast, throw caution to the wind and/or wear your heart on your sleeve? They back off because they thing to themselves ” Wow…does this person not value themselves enough to find out whether I am a piece of worthless crap?” “Guess NOT!”
When you are willing to give your heart and soul to anyone who shows you some attention you are a chump..plain and simple.
Best!
Hey ive got a question. I’m 19 and recently this guy has confessed to me that he’s liked me since the day we met and he thinks im attractive and amazing and has said the cutest things to me, he’s currently in melbourne but coming back next month but what i dont get is what does he mean i’m all yours, i want you to be all mine ?
does he mean it in a sexual way or does he really like me and want to date me ?
HELP!
I agree with Candice. Quality men pursue women. Insecure women chase men.
Example!
An old platonic friend facebooked me, hadn’t seen him for five years. I had a slight crush on him back then We chatted over private fb messages he asked me for a date then he send his number.
ha. I wrote thank you and sent mine back
days later he called to cancel the first date cause a relative was in town. We reschudled for a week later
fine
before we hung up he said, lets keep in touch
um, what exactly does that mean?
(Think he wants me to chase him.)
So it’s been a week I haven’t called him he hasn’t called me.
Sorry guys but from what I know about men, wild horses can’t keep him away from a woman he desires. If you’re not making the effort to call us you don’t want us end of story have a good life on to the next!
“Sorry but it’s all true. It’s not about playing games. It’s about not giving yourself away too easily. It is human nature. When something is too easy it is NOT VALUED and is discarded FAST.”
Then maybe men should play hard to get as well. We wouldn’t want to be discarded fast.
By the way, if the reason one plays hard to get is because you want what you can’t have. Then what happens when you do have that person after you caught her or him? You lose interest and find another.
Just like my cellphones, I always want the newest one with lots of gadgets. It loses it novelty after a while, especially when I see a better phone out.
I guess this applies to women as well, which I understand why players exist, and do what they do.
I’ll be completely honest — the difference between a girl who is herself vs “playing hard to get” is this; the girl who is herself will be remembered by her name, the things she does, and likes. While the playing hard to get girl will be remembered as the chick with the nice rack, or rear. Because I don’t really know her, since it’s hidden under the facade of playing hard to get.
Interesting perspective, but from a psychological perspective I still think most men instinctively chase whether they’d like to or not. Your article pretty much illustrates your disdain for the chase, yet I bet if one presented itself I think it would be hard for you to not take it up.
As men, we ego trip. Chasing a woman and losing out in the end presents us with a wound to our egos. We feel controlled by the situation, yet we’re helpless not to be interested and chase a woman that physically and emotionally meets our criteria.
It’s not that you don’t like the chase, it’s that you don’t like what comes with the chase; and investment in someone that can turn into nothing, or worse, eventual rejection.
Okay so I need help! I have no idea what the hell to do with the situation I’m in! I feel like I should just move on but I wanna know what I did wrong! In the beginning it was great we talked all day everyday like kids! He called me I called him it was no big deal it was really easy. In fact he was so excited to see me he drove three hours just to spend the night with me at my parents (who he had never met before) and then drove home the next day. Now I know what your thinking no he didn’t drive down there for some booty. We had a lot of fun and talked about everything. When I got back into town he came over later that day and spent the night two nights in a row! Okay so on the second night we did get a little involved but we still talked after that! Which was last Thursday. Well Friday he had a guys night in which that’s cool but I wanted a girls night out and so I went well after the bar I had a missed call so I called him back and in the middle of talking to him he hangs up on me!! I know it’s because he was jealous of another guy being in the car but it was a friends boyfriend! I tried calling that night to see what was wrong but no answer and still I haven’t heard from him…. It’s driving me crazy cause I really like this kid and I thought he really liked me. I mean did I just hurt his feelings? Did he think I was just some hoe running around on him? In the beginning of all of this I made him promise me that no matter how bad the truth was he would always be real with me even of it hurt my feelings. So if I should move on should I ask him why all the sudden everything changed?
Love requires communication. Love means you can listen without judgment because you care, we want to understand, and we want to share in the feelings that the other person is experiencing. We want to be empathic without being sympathetic or judgmental. We just enjoy being included, to be trusted, and to be allowed to be supportive and understanding. It also means we must share and want to include the other person as much as we want to be included ourselves. We share not because we need to be understood or validated in any way, but because we want to trust someone else with all our fears, joys, doubts, and hopes. We want to include them in everything we are.How do you solve anything if you do not know what is wrong.How do you know what is wrong without talking.How do you communicate if someone does not want to talk to you.when someone loves you they can not imagine hurting you in anyway.Trust???
Hi I have just met someone while I was on holiday, he first started flirting with me, smiling and offering to help if I need one with carrying bags etc, surprisingly he was on the same flight as me and we started flirting but nothin else, he didn’t ask for my number or Facebook but while we landed I asked him if I can use his phone to ring my family and that’s I got his number. So last night I’ve texted him that I hope he got home safe and in text I mentioned how I got his phone number but didn’t reply back yet, any ideas why he is not texting back?
Girls are funny. You are confusing a guy that just isn’t interested in you with a guy that can’t be bothered to play games after meeting a girl.
If a guy messages you then stops, he isn’t trying to get you to chase him. He just isn’t interested. The fact he asked for your contact info means nothing. Believe me, he isn’t trying to get you to chase him. It won’t matter.
What this post is about is a situation where he calls you, then you dont reply for an unreasonable amount of time. Unless the guy is desperate he won’t pursue. Girls don’t get it. At the start you offer nothing other than initial impressions (usually looks and how you carry yourself). If you play hard to get with someone, that guy is confident enough to know there’s plenty others that will engage in normal behaviour. There is nothing better than a woman who is sweet. The hard to get usually reflects a cold personality and most quality men won’t bother with that. If they do, it’s likely to knock the girl’s ego down a peg.
You offer nothing at the start so don’t act like you are something special without at least revealing a bit of who you are. Even then playing hard to get can ruin your chance to show a glowing personality. Not one that’s full of entitlement, or seems that way.
Hi, I found this post and it’s comments very interesting. I hope that David might find a spare moment to reply to this.
I’m young and very confused about this “chase” idea. I’m not one who enjoys the ideas of game playing or manipulation, but I’ve also noticed that when I go into things being blatantly myself, it scares the man away. I’m not into the whole business of changing the way I act, or being cold when I first meet someone, but I’m sick of coming off as overly needy and insecure. I am insecure (but working on loving myself as much as I can) and I believe that has shone out in my relationships past. I text/call too much and get upset when even a man I’m newly in a relationship with doesn’t show enough interest.
I feel like I should change that aspect of myself and start to be more aloof seeming. Let him take the initiative and “chase” me a little bit. But from what you’re saying, the “chase” can just drive men away. So if my current method of actions and the alternative both drive them away, what is there left for me to do? There seems to be no option that will satisfy. If I show too much interest it drives a man away, if I show too little interest it drives him away as well. What do you think about this David?
Hi i need some advice with a guy im an recently dating. We started going out alot and he texted me all the time and even rang me but all of a sudden he isnt doing all of that above. We had sex after 3-4weeks of meeting eachother which i dont think that is too soon unless someone tells me otherwise. He has said before when we have been out for meals that where going out now and I responded saying i thought you wanted to take things slowly and he has said ok well where dating then? I asked him recently does he still want to take things slow and he responded with what you mean as boyfriend and girlfriend and he said he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend? Im so confused because I really like him and he said he really liked me and loves spending time with me. Should i move on or give him a chance?
Clap clap clap clap.. I totally agree with Candace!!
I am a very attractive woman in my early 30′s who has tried both formulas; Chasing the guy & playing hard to get.
well, from what I’ve learned through my experiences… Most men do NOT respect women who are too available, predictable or rather say, too easy. The one’s I’ve played the game with were head over heels crazy about me! Men (and WOmen)love excitement! All men & women love the chase! The men I’ve been mostly intrigued about were those who played the game!
If you want excitment in your new relationship you MUST play it! Just remember, play hard to get, but NOT impossible to get!!
Dating is about having fun, testing the waters, taking chances, playing hide and seek, using your five senses.. Yes, it’s initial phase is a game, but it must be played in order to create intimacy and romance
Trust me, It will be worthwhile once you reach to the last level… 
Natalie, take things slow? You sleeping with him after 3-4 weeks is not taking it slow. You should have got to known him better before you slept with him. Sounds like your letting him call the shots and making choices for you, you should be making for yourself. What do you want? Sounds like he was into the chase, got what he wanted. Took you out for some meals to see if you were girlfriend material for him. Tell you what he thought you wanted to hear to keep you around to decide whether you met his criteria. If he says now he’s not boyfriend material, he’s trying to tell you he’s not for you. Do yourself a favor don’t waste your energy, time or emotions on this guy any further. If the actions don’t match his mouth, move on. Good luck.