How To Follow Up
August 28, 2008 
13 Comments
The following is a question I received during a recent bootcamp.
Josh: I’m curious about how you suggest following up with somebody you’ve just talked to that day – if you want to see that person again.
David: It goes back to gathering information. Remember when we were out on the street and I talked to the Pomeranian couple?
Josh: Yeah.
David: And then we saw them in Barney’s later? What did I do? What had I learned about them?
I learned what they do for a living. I learned that they are from LA. I learned about some neighborhoods that they really like (because I’m buying a house.) She told me about a real estate deal that she did and how she got through to the guy to get the best possible deal.
So how did I follow it up?
I already knew five or six things about them, so when I saw them in Barney’s the second time I remembered that they were from LA. I said to them, “what, so we don’t have a Barney’s in LA? What are you doing here?”
The woman responded, “oh my god, that’s so funny,” and then she started talking about why she doesn’t like the Barney’s in LA. We then went further in the conversation.
That’s what it’s about: gathering that information. Knowledge is powerful. If you don’t remember stuff, get a little recorder or a BlackBerry. I tell guys all the time to put notes in their phones.
Your memory is all you have, so you have to start using it to remember things about people. If you don’t remember something about somebody then it means that you didn’t connect with him or her in the first place. It’s all about connecting. It’s all about having fun and learning things about other people.
That’s why this is so important. As we just talked about, Howie, you have to draw out emotions from the other person. If you can elicit their emotions the first time, then the next time you see them you can go right into that emotion again.
Josh: How do you use emotion without constantly feeling like you have to amp up the emotional level? How do you just keep everything on an even keel and still be strong man? It seems like I have to keep amping up to the next topic.
David: That’s what we were talking about earlier, the overcompensation. I keep my energy high. When I talk to somebody, they know that I’m interested. When I talk to you, you all know that I’m really interested in what you are saying, right?
How do I do that? I change my voice tone just a little bit. You notice the way that my voice tone changes just a little bit every single time I’m speaking? I’m not speaking in monotone.
You don’t have to be over the top. I think that when guys first start to learn how to do this, they get so over the top. It’s like they have to climb over the mountain first.
What I do is just say, “wow, that’s so interesting.” It’s genuine; it’s about being authentic. Do you really give a shit about what the other person is talking about? If you don’t give a shit, then you aren’t connecting with them, and what is the point? Unless you’re trying to have some one-night-stand and you’re going to fake it with her for an hour, what’s the point?
Faking it for an hour and a half is what I find overcompensating. If you’re genuinely interested in someone, you will naturally be very interested in what they are saying. You’ll be having a good conversation because you will be connecting with them.
Josh: What about the topic itself? How do you keep talking about those emotional topics without petering out? Is it just your emotional energy level taking over?
David: It’s all about energy. You’re never going to peter out if the conversation is going well.
If you talk to some woman for ten minutes and you do start petering out, you have to say to yourself, I would rather give the best two or three minutes of myself 100% (and tease her a bit with how amazing those two to three minutes were) than continue and half-ass it.
Make the determination: do I like her enough to ask her out? Then you have to do something. If you’re at a mall, say, “you know what? You and I need to go fill this bag,” or, “I’m going to call you. I have to go meet my buddies right now, but give me your number. I’m going to have you a call and we’re going to get together.”
This is how you build upon it. Sometimes you think that you have to talk to a woman for such a long period of time, but in reality all you have to do is give her a couple of strong and powerful minutes of yourself. Intrigue her and tease her a little bit and then get her phone number.
You can then get your energy back a little bit and call her up on the phone later. You’ll then have a conversation based on some of the things you talked about the first time you chatted. Does that make sense?
Josh: Yeah. But in this situation, when we were talking to the tri-athletes, I’m thinking about what you’ve taught me so far, and I wanted to say, “I have to get back to my friends, but I really want to finish this story sometime. Give me your number and I’ll call you…”
David: Exactly! Let’s say she hadn’t yet find out the results of her race. Say to her, “give me your number, I want to find out the results.” After doing a triathlon, she’s probably craving sugar or carbs or whatever, so say, “after you find out the results, we’re going to get together and carb out.”
Make it fun! Make it an adventure.
good blog! i used to get numbers all the time w/ no follow up reason, or not running a solid enough interaction to begin with. and i will get a decent amount of numbers, but i will never get them to come out and hang out ><
I think I have the opposite of Rey’s problem. I feel like I don’t get enough numbers, because I’ll usually only go for it if I feel like it was a solid interaction. I’ve now realized this is a horrible mentality to have.
Hey David i dont know if u’ll eventually read it but i have a situation here i really need help on….Ok there is this girl i really like but she’s taller than me. I asked her to go to lunch together the other day, fortunately she accepted to go with me. We went on lunch together and we had a lot of conversation going, about school, college, high school, i know her from high school by the way…So We had fun but at the end, i dropped her off, she just said “thank u for lunch” no hug or nothing =[ …i was wondering if it considered a little date???….Is she into me some how???
Mike did you consider that she didn’t know what else to do? Usually women/girls wait for you men to hug us.
David, I completely agree with this. Follow up is very important and I think when you tell men to “pay attention” to the woman that they talk to, it seems like a lot of work. But think about it. You barely listen to your friends but you always know what they are talking about, even if they say the most obscure things. You gotta try to have the same mindset and pay attention, connect and then follow up to have her get that emotion again.
For example, I met a girl who was looking for a new car, and she wanted a convertible. I love cars so we hit it off right away. The next time we met up (which was about a week later), she saw me and I didn’t bring it up initially. As soon as I brought it up, her energy skyrocketed and the vibes were very high, which led us to a good night overall.
Connection is key and in order to establish a connection, you have to listen and follow up. I mean, there is a reason why they are talking…
Mike:
It seems to me that you’re carrying some insecurities on your shoulder. Its no problem that she is taller than you. I have seen some short bald guy with tall gorgeous women. Its all about your attitude buddy!!
Like Bertie said, you are the man, you need to take the action!!
Last words: the deeper you go into her/his mind, and carry on that energy throughout, the more she/he will be craving for you!
“I mean, there is a reason why they are talking…”
hahaha, funniest thing i’ve heard so far and it’s 9 am here! good comment
>>>>>>>I have seen some short bald guy with tall gorgeous women.
Haven’t we all! It kills me everty time I see them two together:-)
Totally agree with Rey – got to have a follow up reason. Have to connect on something or you just did nothing more than ask for a phone number and get no call back. Sure its a ballsy thing to do, but its far from the only thing to do. You always have to have a decent connection or do something intrigueing.
Yep. Once again, I was there when that conversation went down. That couple was totally into you David!
It’s all about the energy, I have gone out with great looking guys, I have gone out with short, ‘heavier’ guys, (he was amazing) but the key was he was into me, oh he was into many things, but when we were together he was captivatingly into the moment and me. I was married to a man who was so good looking it was scarry, and so was my life with him. He was so into himself he didn’t have time to be into me, cheating followed, he would let me know if he would be free for “his weekend” and sooner than later, I told him it was time to take his sorry ass and his mirror to his new girlfriends house, and of course he didn’t want to go…because of course it was better at home…blah blah blah…point being, be yourself, be in the moment, be direct, and call and connect, because anything short of that is…actually nothing. Life is way to short to not go after what you want, in a balanced way, because the worst that can happen, is that you dust your self off and go for it again…trust me words of experience, dusting right now…
EXPERIENCE is what you get, when you don’t get what you wanted, Carpe Diem…
thank you. it help me a lot. richard.
hi,
just want some tips on the best way to follow up with women after getting their numbers.
I tend to get numbers but not sure when is the best time to call and how to do it right, without the woman feeling like i’m pushing it.