How To Carry On An Amazing Conversation

May 27, 2008 31 Comments Men Videos

How to Create an Unbelievable Presence and Awareness So You are Able to Carry on An Amazing Conversation By David Wygant

This is an actual excerpt from a recent coaching that i had with one of my clients.

In order to be charismatic, you need to be present in your situation. Most people think being charismatic is the funny things you say, or being loud or boisterous and whatever it is, but really, charisma is just a couple of simple things. One is listening intently to what someone is saying, showing enthusiasm to what they say, and reacting with enthusiasm to what somebody says. That’s charisma, in my book.

So how do you get really present when most of us are scattered with our thoughts all over the place?

Rent the movie Ocean’s 11. In that movie, pick one of the casino scenes. In these scenes, there are a lot of things going on. Watch about five minutes of the scene, and then turn it off and write down what you saw in that casino scene.

What do you write down? What were the characters saying to each other? What funny things did you see? What did you notice? What was going on in the background? Try to remember everything.

Then, after you write that down, watch that same scene again. What did you actually remember? What did you miss? Watch it again, and write it down again – what you remember, and what you missed the first time.

Watch that scene over and over again until you remember almost everything in that scene. This exercise forces you to concentrate – not only that, but life is like a scene from Ocean’s 11. If you think about it, you could be at a coffee shop, or at a restaurant, like we are right now.

By being in this restaurant right now, there are so many outside sources – there’s the guy with the tray, there’s a baby over there, there’s a guy sitting there and eating. Oh my god – there’s a beautiful blonde over there. There’s a woman on the phone, there’s the guy behind the counter. There are so many things going on.

What will happen is that you’ll start watching life like you’re in a movie. All of us watch movies. All of us actively can watch a movie.

Client: And what’s a movie really about anyway?

David: Life!

Client: That’s the thing about it, isn’t it – you pay good money to see something that every day is on your front doorstep! I never really thought of it like that.

David: Everyday, you’re living a movie. So, pay attention to everything that’s going on in the movie! Start quizzing yourself.

If you’re sitting in a restaurant, look around, and play a game with a friend. Look around, and then ask your friend to quiz you. We’ll do it right now. So take a look around, take everything in like you’re in a movie.

Now I’m going to ask you a question. The blond girl near the wall, is she on her cell phone or not on her cell phone?

Client: I don’t think she’s on her cell phone, no, but I didn’t really notice her.

David: Yes, she’s on her cell phone. The guy standing there waiting at the register, is he happy, or just kind of malcontent and bored?

Client: I think he’s pretty malcontent and bored.

David: You’ve got it. So now there’s two different emotions. Now let’s say that was a woman standing there being malcontent and bored. You could walk over there, and say what? What would you say? Think about it, you’ve seen me say it. If a woman was looking like that, what would you say to her?

Client: I would say, “how’s your day been?”

David: Yeah, “how’s your day been?” or “man, you look like you’re having just one of those days.” But “how’s your day been?” is pretty good, because if she’s been having a bad day, and you approach her with energy, she can be like, wow – no one has asked me that yet!

So now look around again. What do you see? Take a look, take it all in.

How many people sitting to the left of us are with that woman and the baby?

Client: Well, I only noticed the two women and the baby, but there’s quite a bit of people.

David: But do you see what I’m getting at? This exercise will teach you how to focus.

Client: I feel like I’m looking at things in the immediate, as opposed to looking at things far beyond me. I suppose that has to do with my impatience – I’ve been in bars before and quickly said, “it’s no good here, let’s just go.” As opposed to just having fun and chilling out, which is what I suppose I need to learn: how to just chill out.

David: This whole place is fun. Just look at that: there are four more women that just walked in. A little young, but still, they’re women. But this whole place is fun. You just have to take it all in.

There’s a terminology that I use which is called ‘ctn’: it stands for chasing the night. People will go to a bar, they look around, they make an immediate decision – nope, nothing here for me, let’s go.

And then they go to another bar, and another bar, and another one, and they’re just chasing the night all night long. At the end of the night, what happens? Nothing. You’ve chased the night away.

Instead of just going to a place and having a good time with a friend, and just taking in the environment and becoming a master of it, you’ve chased the night.

Client: That’s just so true!

Todays video is part 2 on becoming a natural with women. Enjoy and I hope everyone had an amazing memorial day weekend.

Here is the link to youtube so you can watch part one and two….you will need to see part one first.
Click here to watch the videos.

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Julie says

2008-06-02 17:56:37

Forgot to include in my post above another important character trait that is assigned to the "Rat" personality in Asian astrology (also quoting from COMPLETE GUIDE TO FENG SHUI by Gill Hale): Rats "are devoted to their families, particularly their children....sociable and gregarious"--comments sorta pertinant to discussion on relationships perhaps leading to marriage!
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Julie says

2008-06-02 17:34:07

People who find other people interesting & are open-minded about those who are different from them, are interesting themselves--I think that's one of David's messages about what constitutes charisma and the importance of noticing the world around you instead of wearing blinders. BTW, the negative traits repeated in some people's posts above which traditional Western culture often assigns to rats, reminded me of how "Chinese" or Asian astrological system assign many positive traits to people born under sign of the Rat. One source (appendix at end of kid's novel ARCHER'S QUEST) describes "Rats" as "Charming, expressive, social. Efficient, organized. talented." Book COMPLETE GUIDE TO FENG SHUI says "Rats are sociable and gregarious ...quick-witted and passionate...capable of deep emotions despite their cool exteriors... will stand by their friends as long as they receive their support in return." Most people at parties, bars etc. may not longer use icebreaker "What's your sign?" anymore, refering to Western astrology. But it might start interesting conversations to refer to Asian astrology (which is often used socially to figure out someone's age, as it uses 12 year cycle of animal signs! I read this David's comments to get ideas on starting conversations with other people--not necessarily looking to start an intimate relationship.
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Ken says

2008-05-30 14:44:59

I'm going to rephrase some of what's been said here, and throw in a few other words... It seems that generally when people talk of not coming from "neediness", they're saying one should come from "abundance". It's attractive when your life is overflowing; you can take it all for granted, and pick and choose not caring, because there's plenty more. An extrovert who has loads of friends and is always meeting more, has those friends because they NEED the interaction, yet they may not need any given friendship. (It's the person with an abundance of food, not the one pennyless and starving, who can be fussy; yet they both require food.) An introvert still needs friends, yet do to their different "nature" will probably have fewer; and may not have the skills to "replace" them as quickly. I believe David is trying to teach those skills... (One person may network and keep a lot of potential jobs lined up, another confident in their ability may take for granted they'll find work when it's needed...) It's learning the skills to choose your quantity and type of friends; being un-needy is seeing abundant options and believing you have a choice. -I was planning to be concise, but ended up rambling... Ken E. (For abundance to be attractive, does it need to be something the other person values...)
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David Wygant says

2008-05-30 09:18:20

I really enjoy when when the blog posts get all emotional. It give me a chance to see what everyone is about. This is why i created the blog so everyone can express what they feel. Keep it up and thanks!!!
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Coby says

2008-05-30 07:41:39

I'm with Sam on this one. The term 'relationship' doesn't automatically mean a partner; relationships are all kinds of other things, including interaction with people and, say, a pet rat. People need interaction, just as much as they need alone time. But neeeeeeding a partner relationship is an issue, and it's something that DW deals with a fair bit on his blog. I suggest checking it out. @Ken E. - Same with me. I'm not sure, though, whether it's a safer or riskier approach. I suppose it depends on how close and how connected you are.
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Sam says

2008-05-30 05:49:45

I understand what you're postulating, but I totally disagree. You seem to be coming from a very needy point of view - the idea that one cannot be happy unless qualified by another (whether you value that person or not) is immature and lacks experience. I felt like that when I was 18, but as you grow older you realise that being with somebody merely for the sake of it, doesn't actually make you happy. I agree with you that we are inherently social beings, everybody loves to be loved and feel valued, but it can only really make you happy if you feel the same for the other person. If you feel as though you NEED to be in a relationship, and couldn't survive without it, then you are deficient within yourself. As David teaches, you must be content within yourself before you can fully and healthily contribute to a relationship with another. When you are looking to complete yourself through the validation of others then you can never be happy. You are merely using the other person as a drug, a short term fix for your problem. I think you are right that humans need relationships with others, and by that I mean relationships in the sense of general human interaction. But when you NEED a relationship in the sense of a partner, and it doesn't really matter who it is, then that I think is a sign of deficiency within oneself, and needs to be corrected.
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S says

2008-05-30 04:37:36

You didn't get it!! Diana didn't get and you guys didn't get it either. She took a line out of the context and you make the same mistake. Read till the end and don't be emotional about it, just facts! S. quote "..And i’m not talking about your emotions and feelings here, but about your survival!..." Of course we're not rats, sure i don't have to waist my time being in a relationship that i don't feel like being in!!! It's no brainer. My point was to demonstrate the reason why we want to be in any kind of relationship. You don't like the one you're in, so you break it, but you ALWAYS looking forward to be in another one again, being in it as a couple, as a friend, as a fuckbuddy, doesn't matter. The point is you want to be in one because on basic, instinct, survival level we're social beings and we simply can't survive being alone! I repeat, all this is from our biological, survival and basic human nature point of view. It's like talking about man's need to eat. If we elaborate, one likes one thing and another one like another thing, but the basic point is that we all need to eat in order to survive. No brainer right!! But not everyone understands that we also need to be in a relationship in order to survive!! Long one or short one, sex or friendship, good one or bad one, it doesn't matter! the point is that we need one in order to survive!
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Sam says

2008-05-30 02:42:47

S, As Dunga mentioned, we are not rats. Its easy to be cowardly and stay in a bad relationship, anyone can do that. It takes strength of character and courage to refuse to settle for anything less that what you desire. How many times have people been married, for all the wrong reasons (time, age, comfort zone, financial reasons etc...) only to find out years (or even months) down the track that it was all a big mistake and they had wasted a large portion of their lives? Not only their own life, but also the person they were married to, its not fair on them either. The people who realise they are good enough for what they want and actually go after it, chase it down, or work on themselves and attract it (as David says) are the ones who are being true to themselves and their prospective partners.
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Ken says

2008-05-29 22:51:44

S, Dunga; I mentioned the rat post to a friend and he brought up something I've heard before... With people: Men in relationships statistically live longer than those who are not. Women not in relationships statistically live longer than those who are. I'm not sure if that carries true across different cultures, or if the quality of the relationship changes anything... Ken E.
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davismclaughin says

2008-05-29 19:39:00

david dosent charge for his stuff well some stuff but please go fornicate with a blender diana.
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daphne says

2008-05-29 19:25:29

Hi Dunga, Thanks for your comments. We share a specific cultural background, unique in that we know what it's like to be straddled, trying to balance the best of both worlds. We also like same kind of books, music, TV shows, and also enjoy traveling and dining out. We even have same religious upbringing and are equally trilingual in same languages. It's rare for me to meet people like that. However, as this person was either still recovering from a surgery or he just is not physically in shape, he looked pale and had a bad posture. I know I shouldn't make judgements on appearance but there was no physical attraction--just an interest of our mutual interest. I'm OK telling him I would like to just be friends. I just wish there was a better way of saying that when saying goodbye.
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Dunga says

2008-05-29 17:36:21

S, Fortunately, we are not rats. As healthy humans we have the ability to avoid some of the loathsome habits and tendencies of rats, e.g. we don't eat garbage or sewage, carry bubonic plague, or die when we're not in relationships. It is better not to be in a relationship than in a bad one. I don't have to put up with headaches, fights, shit tests and drama fests. I'm free to come and go as I please and associate/be friends with/hook up with anyone I want. Being single has its good and bad, and I'd rather take the bad with the good than be in a bad relationship. Daphne, Don't lead him on. Be upfront and direct. As a guy, nothing pisses me off more. If you're not feeling it, say so. He'll either take it like a man, or if he reacts badly, you'll find out in hindsight that he really wasn't right for you. As an aside, what on earth were you talking about for 4 hours if you weren't feeling it?
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S says

2008-05-29 05:43:45

I'm gonna tell you why people are so obsessed to be in a relationship. Even rats need it, from the constant researches we know that.. put in order the situation would be like this. 1 - The best - Good relationship with someone. 2 - The medium - bad relationship with someone 3 - The worst - no relationaship In one experiment the rats who were alone in a cage, with no interaction at all got sick and died before the rats who were treated badly. So, it's better to have any relashionship that no relationship at all. And i'm not talking about your emotions and feelings here, but about your survival!
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daphne says

2008-05-28 20:06:47

After a successful first meeting where we engaged in a very stimulating conversation for over 4 hours, my gut level feeling is I like this person enough to spend time talking PLUS I wouldn’t mind seeing him again because of our shared unique cultural background, but, there is no physical chemistry on my end. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t interested in dating him. After a nice conversation and evening, when asked if we could meet again, I just said “yeah…that was fun”. Question 1 is how should I have answered that, “maybe” or “let me think about it?” or “I’d like us to be friends but nothing more”? It is very awkward, and I thought I could follow up with an email instead of saying yes or no then. Question 2 is IF I’d like us to be friends, but not head for building a relationship –is it better to be upfront from the beginning or should I allow myself a couple of more meetings to know for certain? I don’t want to lead him on, and yet I wonder if I can be so definitive. Unfortunately, his physical appearance was somewhat a turn off (b/c he was sickly). If he were healthy and energetic, I may have been more attracted. Should I give him a chance or just say no and spare him the heartache?
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daphne says

2008-05-28 20:04:22

Hi David, I enjoyed reading your online dating advice. I was hoping you could give me advice after the first meeting. After a successful first meeting where we engaged in a very stimulating conversation for over 4 hours, my gut level feeling is I like this person enough to spend time talking PLUS I wouldn’t mind seeing him again because of our shared unique cultural background, but, there is no physical chemistry on my end. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t interested in dating him. After a nice conversation and evening, when asked if we could meet again, I just said “yeah…that was fun”. Question 1 is how should I have answered that, “maybe” or “let me think about it?” or “I’d like us to be friends but nothing more”? It is very awkward, and I thought I could follow up with an email instead of saying yes or no then. Question 2 is IF I’d like us to be friends, but not head for building a relationship –is it better to be upfront from the beginning or should I allow myself a couple of more meetings to know for certain? I don’t want to lead him on, and yet I wonder if I can be so definitive. Unfortunately, his physical appearance was somewhat a turn off (b/c he was sickly). If he were healthy and energetic, I may have been more attracted. Should I give him a chance or just say no and spare him the heartache? Thanks for your help.
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Ken says

2008-05-28 16:23:48

Jen, Your comment brought to my attention, the long term relationships I've had all started with the intent of friendship not dating. As we got to know each other, the 'relationships' then took on a life of their own. Ken E.
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Jen says

2008-05-28 15:43:36

David's advice is not only good for meeting people to date but also just for making new FRIENDS. I hadn't made much effort to meet new people since I moved a couple of years ago. That has changed.
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David Wygant says

2008-05-28 09:35:36

Steve When i am on yahoos home page it brings out everyone. the good the bad and the really ugly. We have some very angry people in this world who would rather vent and blame others for their choices in life. I am used to it...you should have seen my inbox last night filled with great emails as well as bitter nasty ones. People are people and you can change them......they need to do that themsleves
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Gracie says

2008-05-28 07:39:15

Diana - Whoa girl, you need to calm down there :) I mean, wow . . . When Dr. Bob looks like the voice of reason and logic, you need to be concerned! (No offense, Dr. Bob ;) ) First, I can only assume that you did not read today's blog (and likely any of David's other blogs) as your summary of what David is advising is totally inaccurate. That, or perhaps your reading comprehension is sub-par. The exercise of watching a movie scene then seeing how much detail you correctly notice is meant to hone your OBSERVATION skills and train you to pay attention to what is going on around you . . . not to have you memorize dialogue. What David is trying to illustrate is what a poor job so many of us do at observing what is around us wherever we go - that we are so distracted by what's going on in our head or on our BlackBerry, that we don't take notice of what people are doing and expressing which give you all the information you need to start a conversation with someone. There is NOTHING sexist about this advice and, in fact, I'd venture to say it is equally good advice for men and for women. I am one of the worst offenders in terms of not paying attention to who and what is around me - and I'm a woman! I'm sure I miss men and opportunities to meet men every day! You're right, Diana, everyone does not have to be in a relationship or looking for a relationship, but David's business is to give advice to those who DO want that. Might I suggest that if you don't have any interest in dating advice, that perhaps David's blog isn't going to be the best reading material for you. Having said that, honing this kind of observation skill ostensibly would allow you to initiate conversation with ANYONE. I gotta tell ya, Diana, I can't help but wonder based upon your non-substantive criticism whether you are someone whom David may have romantically rejected ...
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Steve says

2008-05-28 06:27:13

All of Diana’s comments are stupid, sexist, and frankly, fucking ignorant. Watch a movie and memorize the end credits... 'cause your dates are obviously that interesting. Seriously, are people so desperate as to come on a website to vent about their own crap ass life... while acting non interested in any advice... even though we all know that they REALLY came here because their own life sucks? Why are poeple so obsessed with spelling people right to to begin with??
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Horny Lisa says

2008-05-27 21:35:19

Diana Time for you to open your eyes. How many of Davids articles have you read? Do you read one and make a judgement? Do you think you really know anything about what he does based on a few lines you pulled from text. I agree with Bob Anger Anger Anger. Maybe you need to book some time with our good Dr LOL
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Dr Bob says

2008-05-27 21:32:52

Diana What did you take the bitter pill today. Read the article....it was not about memorizing anything but learning how to be open and aware. You are one women who is not open...you pick and choose what you see and hear.
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diana says

2008-05-27 21:12:56

All of David's articles are stupid, sexist, and frankly, ignorant. Watch a movie and memorize the scene? Seriously, are people so desperate as to make this ridiculous guy rich by paying for this absurd, so-called advice? Why are poeple so obsessed to be in a relationship to begin with??
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David Wygant says

2008-05-27 16:30:51

Thanks m
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m says

2008-05-27 16:20:27

Hey David, That's because it's linking to your own private video-page, and not the public one. The public one should contain some sort of a username/id. I think the link should be https://youtube.com/profile_videos?user=DavidWygant Nice post btw, as usual :)
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David Wygant says

2008-05-27 16:17:13

Hey I fixed the link. You were right I needed to log out. We are all good to go.
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Patrick says

2008-05-27 16:11:24

Hey David, Cool, high quality article. This is a great, concise way to explain what it means to be a likeable, nice guy without being a push over. I think you might need to log out of YouTube first, then find your video by searching, and then post the link. If I remember right, YouTube video links have some long key at the end with numbers and letters. Right now we'd have to login to your account to see the vid.
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David Wygant says

2008-05-27 15:06:57

Hey Nico The link works fine for me. https://www.youtube.com/my_videos
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Nico says

2008-05-27 13:37:29

Great and helpful Article, thanks a lot! The video link doesn't work however.
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Joe M. says

2008-05-27 13:18:48

Thank you David.
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Joe M. says

2008-05-27 13:18:04

Thank you David:)
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