How Needy Are You Really?
April 8, 2009 
45 Comments
Today’s blog should be really interesting.
People are always saying to me, “I don’t want to be needy.” People don’t want to be needy.
The question is, though, what is your definition of being needy? What do you think neediness really is?
I’m not going to give you my definition of neediness here. I want to hear from you guys today.
What is needy behavior to you? Also, do you know the difference between unhealthy neediness and healthy neediness?
It’s perfectly okay to need somebody in a healthy way. As people, we are relational and we do need each other. We can satisfy each other’s needs in a healthy relationship. That is healthy neediness.
My question to you is this: What is your definition of unhealthy neediness?
I’m sure all of you have experienced some form of unhealthy neediness at some point in one of your relationships. I’m really curious to see what you all post on this!
Are you curious to know exactly how I feel about neediness? In today’s podcast, I really “let loose” and tell you EXACTLY how I feel about this. Check it out . . . this one will really blow you away!
If you want me to show you how to TRANSFORM your entire dating life step-by-step and how you can develop the true inner confidence that will allow you to effortlessly attract women every day and everywhere you go, then you should check out my Men’s Audio Mastery Series.
I think all the neediness stuff comes down to what was discussed before; one must love his or herself before he or she can love others. It’s great to have a relationship, but at the same time one cannot base his or her existence on it. That is unhealthy neediness to me.
Dave
ahhhhhh!!! Such a tease! I want to know MORE!!! hahaha
Nice podcast.
I think unhealthy neediness is when you call all day long, you leave messages on his phone, you check up on him to see if he is where he told you, to not trust him..to not give him his space. This type on needines will end a relationship, because no one wants a chain around their neck. To love someone, is to give them their own space…not to control them.
Luann
We aren’t well-suited for life in isolation. In fact – most creatures aren’t. On some basic level, we are meant to need others. To connect, engage, share… love. beyond all subtext and agenda and looking past all the wreckage of our pasts and baggage… we all want – no, *need* to know & be known… [right?]
On the one hand – we should be encouraging and edifying eachother in all circumstances.
On the other – we all should have people to be silly with and free and just completely ourselves.
In isolation – we stagnate. Like the dead sea, we where nothing can live because there’s no constant influx of fresh water – and nothing goes out from it.
What is unhealthy neediness? Well – I just mentioned the unhealthy *lack* of neediness – but the flip side of that would be unrealistic expectations: such as thinking the relationship will solve your problems. relying so much on the other person that you lose your own identity. needing to be loved so much that you will accept subtle and not-so-subtle forms of abuse. (and – of course – what Dave said above about basing your whole existence on another human being). Isolation in any form (even isolating yourself as a couple) is not healthy. We *need* air and light and water to grow… flourish… so. there you have my 2 cents worth.
David,
You nailed me on this one. Without many details, I can tell you that I’ve been doing some of
the stuff you talked about. I’m lucky enough that the one I’ve been that way with STILL
hasn’t written me off. I glad I listened today before I walked away from someone I’ve known
for years, and am getting closer to.
oh yeah – and Luann – let’s not leave out the cyberstalkers…
that’s just CREEEEEEEPY!
I tend to think of unhealthy neediness as any time a person derives their self-esteem solely from someone else.
Hey David,
Were you really walking Daphne on the beach or in a windtunnel?
Otherwise, good podcast!
Hello David!
oh la la! needy… actually I’ve completely experienced it with some girl friends of mine these last months… I suppose it was a lesson to truly understand men lol – acting needy has something to do with control and lack of personal maturity I guess… f.e frase “we must see each other more often” – before I even make up my mind if I want closer friendship with this person makes me really want to run away; or suffering from being alone (not happy in his/her own company)… I think self developpement, real personal growth, finding your own Way and passion and interest in life are some keys to transform the person from being “needy” to the one who is able to give and be attractive and truly happy in relationship. Neediness means lack (self esteem, love etc.) – happiness and inner light and love means aboundance end willing to share (as a result the person becomes the center of attention)
Unhealthy neediness is when a person depends on another person to entertain and make them happy every waking minute. They never learned self satisfaction. True happiness has to come from within. Then it’s shared with others.
Andi
I think another word for neediness is approval seeking. Someone who is needy is seeking approval from others because they don’t have approval from themselves.
As for real needs in a relationship. Im gonna play devils advocate here. Because we could survive on a desert Island with enough food, and technically have our needs met. But I’m going to call it what people want from a relationship healthy desire. Desire sounds a lot sexier to me than needs doesn’t it?
David,
Why caring what I may say to a spesific girl?
Instead of focusing on HOW to get that ONE girl, don’t you think it’s better to FOCUS INSIDE the minute we feel needy and try to solve it (could be by interacting with more women).
I liked what you said about feeling needy is when a person isn’t satisfying what you need. Maybe the best approach for a man or a woman who is “needy” is to redefine what you need and what you want. It seems like it borders on feeling “entitled.” Your podcast was more directed towards men, but as a woman I totally understand what you mean. When a man is needy, he smells “desperate” and I simply want to run. (Perhaps this is the reason I’ve always been with non-committal men, because they dont’ smother me or act all needy.)
Justine (new to this blog)
All I can say is that my definition of being needy is not being your true self, constantly worrying about perceptions of what other people and women think of you. Being needy tenses your body language and women find that EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE! You need to love yourself, be relaxed and have positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts in order for someone not to be needy! Great podcast! This one is a good one and alot of people with self-doubt should sign up and listen to these podcasts! Enjoy the rest of your week David, and have a great easter weekend with Daphne and your girlfriend in your wonderful life!
David’s the first person on the planet to record a podcast while skydiving.
This podcast is spot on. The concept of a healthy form of neediness is interesting, though. Never thought of it like that.
You should do your next podcast in the eye of a tornado. It’ll give me less of a headache than today’s did, lol.
There are times in our lives when things may come up like with myself sometimes one of my daughters may come up sick or my parents need my help…People love being together but if they are patient and allow the other person their time and space to take care of what is needed then that person will respect the other…Take like my situation I allow my close male friend to take care of what he needs to and he really appreciates that…Yes I do want to be with him…But there are selfish people out there thinking only of themselves and not of others or what is in it for me attitudes and this does not work well with others be patient all things will come together in the end as they were planned but if you rush it better watch out it will crash and burn. In other words cool your hormones they will get the needed attention when the time comes but make sure that is what both parties want…not jump in where angels fear to tread…Be prepared for the unexpected…
Roaming the world with a belief of WHAT’S IN FOR ME. WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS is in my perspective unhealthy neediness.
it’s all about abundance, in my opinion unhealthy neediness comes when you aren’t satisfied with yourself and you need someone to satisfy it for you, when instead of working on that part of yourself you lack, you desperate ask for it, like if the other person is doing a favour to you.
David, i love this topic and am so happy you are giving it some much needed attention! i listened to your podcast as well and you are right on. i also appreciate your attention to the timing of ‘neediness’ too and how it is especially dangerous in the beginning of a relationship.
like you, i think neediness is just a manifestation of insecurity and a general feeling of lack of abundance in life. but i have to say, its a very ‘human’ condition and i wish more people would have a little compassion and seek to understand the other sex instead of shuting off or judging. hence why i love the work you are doing in helping men and women with this.
as a woman, i have heard so many men refer to neediness as the number one attraction killer … so it’s a ‘problem’ for both sexes. i have made a conscious effort in my dating life to NOT be needy simply because i knew it was an issue for men and wanted to avoid killing the attraction they had for me. but i think i went overboard and hadn’t realized (until now) that knowing what you ‘need’ and being able to communicate those needs in and effective way is such an important piece to being happy in a relationship … and a sign of MATURITY. but this goes hand in hand with also finding the right person who can and WANTS to meet those needs and then also being able to give that person the space to do so.
But ultimately so much of the scary neediness can be avoided. i hope you don’t mind me giving a little advice … but for all the men out there reading, encourage the woman you are with (or pursuing) to be open about her needs. encourage her to learn about herself and what makes her happy and to share those things with you. i imagine even just your effort to ‘open her up’ will calm her and make her feel understood, which really is what we all want right? to be understood. or you might find that she is crazy and high maintenance and then you’ll be happy you found out sooner rather than later anyway
.
David
We all need each other and its nice to have someone fullfill your needs. As long as its healthy and not something that will ruin the relatiosnhip.
Tunna
Who said this?
WHAT’S IN FOR ME. WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS
Will
Very funny!!
My girlfriend had house guests and i had to go outside to record this today. I did not want there voices in the background so instead i was in a wind storm!!
Chris
Thanks this was a great podcast short and to the point!!
You have a great holiday weekend as well!
ANDI
True happiness does come from within!!! Once you have that you can share yourself with others.
DRD
I am really glad that this podcast came at the right time for you!!
Timing is everything in life sometimes.
I have a question? I know this girl named Katherine and she liked me and i new this because of some of her bulletin entries on myspace and i read them. She then wrote about 2 weeks later that she had no sexual desire with me anymore. What should i do? Am i needy? Please Help.
Unhealthy Neediness:
When there is only one pack of icing with my Domino’s cinnamon sticks and I desire another… perhaps even two more…
David, are you really serious about the guys frequently asking you how NOT to appear or be needy? I’ve always thought that women got pegged as needy when men were totally denying that feeling. I have no doubt that we all have our moments but not many men would use that term to describe it. Unhealthy neediness is nothing more than unfulfilled unrealistic expectations.
I think some people mask their ‘neediness’ and re-frame it with alternate language as if another person is violating or withholding what they think that they deserve and are entitled to as adults. They act like they’re SO put-upon and dismiss those who don’t measure up. The truth is that we all have unspoken expectations about how we want to be seen and treated by others – sometimes because of how our parents were (or how we WISHED that they were) and later because all of our dating experiences have come together to shape who we are. We have these fantasy wish lists of the perfect person and those of us who aren’t so great in the communications department ,which is probably most of us, just think that it’s some magic voodoo and the other is just supposed to KNOW what to do to fulfill us. Anyone else bad at mind-reading out there?
I was often accused in my younger days of being needy when guys that I dated did not receive what they thought that they deserved as men. And when things were on the verge of ending, we would have that little “clarification” talk before parting and it always came down to them being disappointed in me because things didn’t just magically happen because they were “there”, or my lack of deference to their unspoken requirements which they never shared, like their one-way need for attention, and a double-standard of behavior (it’s ok if they have to study or bring work home or do a family-only gig but not for me). I blamed myself for a long time until I realized that it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t “need” them the way that they needed me to be with them, to wait on them, to be their everything. That’s not just unhealthy, it’s sick and twisted.
If you want or need something, SAY SO, and quit being a weenie about it. Is it really a “want” or a “need?” If it’s an expectation that I’m not filling, you had better be clear before you point any fingers. Can I give you a call in a few days to check back in? Is it too much or too little? Let’s talk about it but stop pouting and obsessing – life is way too short.
Great Podcast David,
I was working one on one with a client last week who was trying to please a women in conversation by agreeing with erverything she said. I got him out of the interaction and asked him what he was doing and he replied “Im trying to keep her happy” I explained to him that she was clearly getting displeased by him as she was about to walk away, her body language and voive tone were completetly off. He came across needy. I taught him the deeper meaning of having boundaries in his life that he should abide to – knowing when to say yes and no to certain things or certain behaviours. About 40 minutes later he got straight back in another interaction and on this occasion I wanted him to concentrate purely on demonstrating his boundaries with the women. The women stated that she hates men that gozzip…The client agreed that gozziping was bad but that he gozzips with the guy who sells the newspaper about the ladies that work in the coffee shop next door. This demonstrated that he was not seeking her approval which is attractive, which was clear to see by her body language and now gentle arm touching and generally her becoming more attentive towards him. This was now ‘not needy behaviour’ but good honest healthy attraction…
Hey Dave,
Yesterday i was in extremelly needy. my girlfried was planing on going out, she asked me if the outfit was gd for going clubbing and im like yeah thats well fit…Later on i found out she was going out that same night when she didint tell me she was going, she didint even tell me to go with her :/
Anyway i trued just being cool and act as if nothing happened but inside i was furious! i went up to her from behind kissed her and wen we were in d club she was giving her attention to her other friend(girl) and it rly pissed me off cause im her bf and she ididnt even kiss me. but then i couldnt help it i was pissed off and went dancing with my otha mates…
Whats wrong with me? what can i do to improve?
Thanks
David
That was me that said that said those things..What is in it for me and etc…There are people who think that way…
David,
Great Pod cast but a little wind distracting!
I have never commented on here before, but thought I would today.
I think neediness is good in some ways and bad also, there are two sides to neediness. There is a good healthy neediness, then the bad and I get what you have said here, and have learned from past mistakes that I have made in my last relationship with neediness, I feel it could be the cause of our demise. And not quite sure if it was my neediness that caused it or his neediness to get out of the relationship, but I do know that wanting to be with someone does not mean you are being needy, means you are into that person and want to be with them, if you can’t be with them you let them know that you would like to be with them, but it is ok that you can’t be. If you act like you could care less that you can’t be with that person that can chase someone off to, by them thinking well they are just not into me. Right?
Sharon- enjoyed reading what you had to say, i think its really important that a man encourages the woman to open up completely without any judgment, so she feels understood, and express her real self fully!
Whether David recorded that podcast on the beach, in a wind tunnel, while skydiving or in a tornado, at least I could hear what he was saying, which is more than I can say for that teleconference a few weeks ago where there was so much interference it sounded like it was recorded at the counter of a coffee shop with a cop sitting nearby with all that police band radio chatter going on and a small crowd of people or maybe monkeys chattering away at a table close by. All at the same time.
“Chatter, chatter chatter….One Adam 12, One Adam 12, we have a 5150 at 1027 Broadway, please dispatch all units,…Clang, clang, swish, swish, swish, Thump, thump, thump, chatter, chatter, Hiss, Static, Hiss, Static,, Scratch, scratch, scratch…”
I think neediness is really about someone wanting and expecting excess external validation from the other person.
To me, a needy person doesn’t give room or space for the other person to actually react and respond to who they are. They just smother the person with attention b/c as you said David, the person doesn’t believe they deserve their partner. They always need reassurance that the other person like them
Eddie,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. It’s normal for you to be furious if she ignores you and you are with her. It’s about respect.
What is wrong is that she lied to you about going out.
If you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to let her have her girl’s night out without getting jealous or being fearful that she might stray away… but you both need to agree on honesty.
The reasons for displaying “needy-like” behavior can vary with different personality types. Using the DISC profile, for example, a high-”I” personality type needs to be liked and accepted. I’ve seen many a high-”I” personality type guy display needy behavior because of excessive worry over how an interaction or date went and whether or not the girl liked him. As a very high “D” type personality, I’ve caught myself appearing needy strictly out of impatience rather than worry over acceptance. High-”D” types don’t worry about being liked or accepted, but we DO want action (interaction) and we want it NOW. I’ve had to learn how to PACE my interactions in spite of my natural impatience. Studying the different personality types (including your own) can reap HUGE benefits in your male-female interactions and relationships, IF you accept and put to good use the new knowledge you obtain. A somewhat boring post, I realize, but a fascinating topic to those of us who really get into it. Also very useful in the retail sales arena!
Neediness to me is spawned from a butt load of insecurities.
Tony-
i know right, that call was a trip man! i didn’t who i was talking with….was the starbucks barista girl or the police:)
To avoid neediness, I think it is really important to maintain balance and be good at reading the other person. And I agree completely that even though traditionally women are called needy more than guys, there are a lot of needy guys out there! When I say maintaining balance, here is a great example: If you call someone and they don’t call you back, don’t keep calling and leaving messages. That reeks of desperation! If you email someone, wait for them to reply before you send them another message.
It is also good, especially early in a relationship, to mirror the other person somewhat. If they write you a short email, then don’t reply with a really long one. If they send a long reply, then send a long one if you feel inclined to do so. If you would like to send a longer reply, but don’t have time at the moment, say that. If you text someone, wait for them to reply before sending another text. If you are texting back and forth a lot, sometimes exceptions to this are fine as long as you don’t go overboard. Most of all, respect that the other person has a life and give them space to live it when you aren’t together. If you find yourself feeling like you are “waiting” for them a lot, then you might want to consider filling up your life a bit more! Not only will this occupy your time and keep you from waiting, it makes you a happier and more attractive human being!
Just wondering- does it count as being needy when it’s been like a month and you haven’t seen the guy? He keeps saying he wants to get together; we’ll do it ‘next week,’ but nothing comes of it. I get a sense of hope, only to have it dashed. I don’t think it’s wrong to be frustrated, yet I feel like if I say something, it will be seen as neediness. At the same time, isn’t a relationship supposed to be about actually spending at least some time together? Maybe I just need to ask him what gives.
I don’t think neediness implies lack of self-esteem. People can be confident about themselves at the same time get carried away by interpersonal relationships. Neediness is innate and sometimes genetic, in my opinion. Those who are needy often feel anxious about the environment they live in and therefore seek sense of safety from others.
I agree with Queens of Relationships that it’s a reflection of insecurity. I have dated guys who clutched my hand on the airplane in the fear that it might crash, who still left his laundry with his mother who lived several miles away, and who called numerous times every day to report to me on the trivia. I like to be cared for, very much so, but not to the point of being stifled. After all, I’m an adventurer who enjoys personal space.
Neediness is rather comparative. One’s neediness might be on the same level with certain people while overwhelming or being overwhelmed by others. We often speak of “compatibility” so perhaps neediness should be taken into consideration.
Relaxed personality is such a charm to me.
Hi y’all,
Nice podcast David. Have a beautiful Easter weekend. You are right; as a mentor of mine once said. “How can you love anyone else, if you don’t love yourself.” Healthy needs are one thing: recognition, acceptance, sensuality/sexuality, LOVING AND BEING LOVED, mutual and intellectual interests, other areas of compatibility and meeting of the mind, body and heart, etc.
Negative neediness occurs when one is in a state of denial (you know that river in Egypt), not loving oneself, not having healthy self esteem, feeling hurt, rejected, neglected, jealous and so on. We all might momentarily experience these emotions, but if we let them hook us, if we believe that is who we are, then we are lost and no one else can help us unless we help ourselves…
Ciao, ~BF
I’m glad I found this podcast. I’m one of those people. I will not be needy in the unhealthy sense. Thank you David. I hope to hear more about this, I really want to stop this destructive behavior.
Excellent thread on acting needy, I have learned so much. What a great forum and web page,so helpful.