How Many Is Too Many?
February 11, 2010 
35 Comments
People ask me all the time about how to date multiple people. You’re allowed to have multiple orgasms, so why are you not allowed to date multiple people?
My answer to people who ask me about this is always the same. I tell them to date as many people as they can handle in their life.
If you can handle dating six people at one time in your life, then do it and enjoy yourself. Date as many people as you possibly can until you find the person with whom you truly click, the one who makes you want to see them again (and only them).
There’s no reason that you should not date as many people as you can handle. If you can handle dating three people at once, then date three people at once. If you can only handle dating one person at a time, though, you should only date one person at a time.
There are no rules about this. People always ask me if they are “allowed” to date more than one person at a time. The answer is, absolutely! Do whatever you want. This is your life.
If you are dating multiple people, there is one thing I want you to be sure to do. You need to keep track of what you have said to each person and what you have talked about with each person. Keep a journal so that you can really start to get deeper about what attracts you to each person. By doing this, you will not only learn more about yourself but you may actually see which one you want to give a better chance.
interesting blog
but it raises a big question for me
you know that women always want to know if you’re dating other people. are you suggesting that we lie to them??
if you’re not, what woman is going to be just fine with you dating a bunch of other women…none that i’ve ever met. that’s for sure.
Tell them the truth if they ask. But if they don’t ask, then it’s none of their business to know.
I dated this one girl who had this rule that she only dates one guy at a time, and she would require the guy to be dating only her.
It’s been months, and she is still single…
Personally I think we should have a new term: “test-dating.” When you’re test dating someone, it’s fine to test date multiple people.
But when you’re “dating” (i.e. serious about someone) you can only date one person.
I think there’s a lot of confusion when David says “sure you can date multiple people!” and in a lot of readers minds it sounds like David’s saying it’s ok to cheat.
Who’s in favor of adopting “test-dating” into our vocabularies?
Society has programmed us to think of multiple relationships as dirty when in truth, men are programmed to look for multiple relationships.
So what do you do if a girl you think you’re casually dating starts calling you her boyfriend? Do you just run, have a “talk” with her, or let her keep thinking things are more serious than they really are? Hypothetically speaking, of course. Haha.
Neena
Test dating is a great term. I did a blog awhile back on two minute warning…i think that may have been the title.
Anyway it was show up check them out and if you did not feel a thing move on:)
Collin
If she says boyfriend and you are casual you need to have the talk. But do so in a matter that actually respects her feelings and allows you to share yours.
HOnesty is always the best route
Matrix
I know many women that date multiple men. It does not mean that they are sleeping with them.
Cloud
That woman who lives by her strict rules will remain single for a long time until she learns the word compromise.
Rules are meant to be broken.
Ben
I never suggested lie.
Telling someone that you are dating implies that you may or may not be dating others. PLus when you meet someone it is always safe to assume that they are dating others.
Real chemistry will always make the other people in the pool die off:)
Neena,
I don’t know if we really need the term “test dating”. Most of the people I’ve met use the word “I’m just dating” to imply they are “people shopping”.
It means, they may or may not date multiple people around right now but it says enough.
Ben,
You should never lie… but you don’t have to say everything upfront either. Out of decency for whoever you are dating, you should give all the details of who else you are dating… but if she asks, let her know that you are dating here and there.
That’s so much less fun (and way more mature) than just running David!
Way to mature if you ask me
I have wondered about this one and i want to get to a level where i can date maybe 5 women at a time, no more than that.
Personally for me i can’t do no more than three people at a time. I used to wonder how many more can i take but it is well said that do as much as you can and have. This is a great mindset to have.
Anonymous
Its not about which level you can get to, but think about dating as many people as you can not pick some number because someone else is doing it. Have you ever dated more than few people at a time?
Jacob- no i haven’t but you know it would be nice to do that. i see what you are saying sometimes i tend to think about being at a different level than looking for whats good for me.
Jimmy
It sounds like 3 is it for you.
That’s a great angle to look at it from.
Have you connected with any of the 3 women?
I really like the journal idea since I usually forget the conversations. So now I need to get a new journal:)
Jacob-I find it very fun and my confidence level is on another level. And so far i haven’t really connected with anyone yet, but lets see where this can go.
For any guy who wants to date more than 3 women, I challenge you guys to write out your weekly schedule.
How much time do you spend at work, at the gym, eating and doing errands, having down time for chilling or unexpected commitments, time for family, friends, time for whatever other hobbies you have and also… sleep?
Then out of all the hours you have spent, how many hours do you realistically have to:
1. meet new women
2. call and keep in contact with them
3. go out on dates and hang out with them.
Unless you don’t work or unless you meet women for a living, I can hardly imagine anyone be able to juggle more than 3 (and that would be stretching it).
Khiem
Good thinking man that is a great way to get them engaged and challenged.
I tend to date about three men at a time, unless one stands out in such a way that we decide to make a go of it exclusively. I guess in contrast to women, men tend to just assume they are the only person I am dating, so there is very rarely the need to have an awkward conversation in which I have some big reveal that there are other men in my life. If I am asked, though, I am always up front about it, and they tend to not want to hear details, which is just fine. I find that, for me, it helps keep me from the tendency to put too much stock in any one person before it’s really warranted, and helps me really recognize what is important to me in a relationship with another person. Also, it’s pretty fun.
That said, I’d be thrilled to find someone who is a great partner and with whom I want to make a go of it exclusively. But til then…
David, I agree…I have always felt rules are made to be broken! Especially the ones that make no sense. They never sat well with me.
I find that two (maybe three at most) is my limit these days. First, I don’t have time as Khiem/Ken so wisely pointed out. And I have in the past made the mistake of mixing up what I said to whom – or where I went with a person. Remember the time we went to…fill in the blank restaurant…then comes the blank stare. Oopsey, I guess that wasn’t you. Once I took a date from out-of-town to a restaurant I frequented and my buddy, Kenny, the bartender said to him “Oh, yeah, I remember you, how are you”? The only problem was he had never been there. He was black, too, which kind of created a “Oh jesus, here we go again with the we all look alike thing”.
My uncle had a funny experience about a century ago when he was in the Navy. He went out with a young lady a few times and she seemed to forget some of the things they had said and done. Turns out she was a twin and she sometimes sent her twin sister on a date with him. He wasn’t unhappy when he found out!
Would you be?
Kelly–I love your attitude about dating! You give a great example to others of knowing what you want. To me that is the most important element to dating multiple people. If you really are clear with your intentions about what dating means to you and are up front about it, then there is no problem.
Lauren–now that would be an interesting topic..dating multiple twins:) That would really put your skills to the test!
For those of you dating multiple people, what changes in your life have you made to make this possible? I know I am at the point where finding one is causing some trouble, so dating three seems like it is impossible (although nothing is impossible). Just curious.
Coach Kimberly,
I’ll say. My uncle is 75 and he still laughs when he tells the story! He might not be alive to tell the story if there were multiples!
I totally agree and take what you said to heart about……
“There are no rules about this. People always ask me if they are “allowed” to date more than one person at a time. The answer is, absolutely! Do whatever you want. This is your life.”
Good point man. Many women date multiple guys. If a girl is special enough that you want to see only her to the exclusion of all others, then you will know.
OMG Lauren,
That’s crazy! How did your uncle feel about dating both of them at the same time? Did both twins end up liking him?
I so want to hear more of that story!
dating multiple women is okay until you get married, then you only stick with one. but there’s no rule when you’re not married. do what you want, not what people are telling you. because when you die, only you who is leaving this world, no one else. ;D
Coach Khiem
Ha ha – he was thrilled! He didn’t mind the switch and the girls obviously were having a good time with it! It was all in good fun and he went along for the ride – and enjoyed the process immensely. All these years later when he tells the story he laughs about it. I think I asked about the sex, but I don’t remember the answer. I’ll have to ask him to refresh my memory the next time I’m in Pa.
It’s not so much as how many am I dating (although I always remain exclusive), but about WHO makes me not think about my other options.
…And I’m having trouble with that right now.