How Does This Make You Feel?
July 2, 2010 
13 Comments
How do these things make you feel? How do you feel if someone cheats on you? How do you feel if someone steals your cell phone out of your car? How do you feel if someone slept with somebody else?
We’re getting to the real root of cheaters right now. You’ve been cheated on in the past.
If someone asks you what happened in your past relationship, is your answer something like this: “She was a great girl, but all of a sudden something happened and she started cheating on me. It was ridiculous. I don’t understand why she cheated on me. I did everything for her.”
Immediately, the person you’re saying this to is going to look at you and wonder what made that person cheat on you. When you’re cheated on, it means that there is something that’s not working between the two of you of which you are not aware.
To tell you the truth, I’ve never been cheated on, but I have cheated one time. I know exactly why I cheated on them. It was because the communication in our relationship was dead, over, done. I wasn’t happy anymore.
So if you tell someone on a first, second or third date that you’ve been cheated on, they’re going to really wonder about you. They are going to wonder why you didn’t realize why you were cheated on, and why you aren’t taking responsibility for your part in it.
A lot of people don’t understand that cheating is a two-way street. In order to push someone out the door to cheat, you must be pushing them one way or another.
There’s something that you’ve been doing in that situation. Maybe you were not aware of the person’s needs, wants, and desires. Maybe you wanted more out of the relationship than they did. It could be a number of different things.
So if you’ve been cheated on and someone asks you why that relationship ended, just say “It ended mutually” and leave it at that. As you get to know someone better, you can uncover the depth of your last relationships.
In the first couple of weeks, though, people are judging and looking and evaluating you. It’s not that you want to hide things, but you just want to get to know each other on a fresh face.
You don’t need to tell every negative detail of your past. You don’t need to dump everything about each other in the first few weeks. You want those first few weeks to really bond with each other, to build up the trust, so then you can talk about all that stuff later when you’re in a safe space with each other.
People are still judging in those first few weeks. So the next time someone asks you if you’ve ever been cheated on, just say “You know what? I have been, but it’s no big deal. I learned a lot from that. I really learned that my communication in that relationship wasn’t good and I take full responsibility for it.”
Take the high road in everything. Anytime you take the road of a victim, it means that you don’t know how to communicate properly with anybody else.
that was a great post today, thanks for the heads up on the cheating issue seems like this advice is going to come in handy later on in my relationship
Wow that is well said. I think communication is a major part of it.
Some people cheat simply because they know they can get away with it. I don’t buy that it is always a two way street. Some people will take advantage whenever, and wherever they can. This blog post makes it sound like people who have been cheated on are the villains instead of the cheater. If you cheat, you simply don’t have the balls to own up to being unhappy and ending the relationship. Maybe when you get cheated on your feelings on this subject will be different. *Shrugs*
The whole judging one another is so wrong if it goes on for too long. I seen relationships crumble fast because of being so judgmental.
I’m writing this one down I really like when you said, “Take the high road in everything. Anytime you take the road of a victim, it means that you don’t know how to communicate properly with anybody else.”
Honesty is a key in life. I think if we all just practice this daily, we can then begin to see new improvements in our lives.
oh this is a great reminder to no think like a needy boy instead tell it like it is.
Tony- long time whats going on?
I find it funny how when we know that things are not going too well, we still stay in the damn… relationship. After my past experiences I made a oath to myself that as soon as I can smell something not right, I’m out of there.
I can understand how alot of ‘cheating’ situations are the result of something lacking in the relationship but in some cases, well..this isn’t always the case. I thought something was wrong with me when I figured out my ex was doing doggy dog things. I took it personally and tried to make sure I was giving him everything he needed. I eventually was led to believe that he was some sort of sex addict. He chased stimulation nonstop. What a bummer.
You’re right about telling others about being cheated on. It’s the last thing I want to talk about in a conversation with a new dude because I don’t want him to think I am flawed. It’s really easy to point the finger and play the victim, especially when we are so hurt. It’s harder to take the higher rode, having the ability to do a ‘self check’ to see the role you had in all of it.
The fact that you have cheated puts you on the “wrong” end of this argument, and in a defensive mode. Their is NEVER an excuse for cheating on someone whom you are in a monogomous relationship with. If you were unhappy, and unfulfilled, you should have expressed your concerns to your mate, and if still not content, left before you cheated on her. It is your fault for cheating, not hers, and you are the one who was unfaithfull, and someone who could not control yourself or your impulses. You should be the one to “learn a lesson” from your unfaithfullness, not her.
Wow David, this one was for me. I was cheated on too and am now divorced. I did major soul searching on the matter of why it happened. I did find that there were a lot of things that I could have done better, even though I thought I was doing everything right.
Next time, I wont make the same mistake. Good tip on taking the high road, or keeping it a secret til the relationship has been established.
You certainly don’t want to be a victim. However, justifying someone lying to you is just making excuses for bad behavior.
People who cheat lack the courage to be strong enough to end an unfulfilling relationship. Your podcast on lying shows you know this is true.
Mature people breakup and risk being alone before moving on.
There are no perfect partners, and all relationships are voluntary. You are correct in telling someone that you broke up because you were not right for each other. It is honest and there is no stigma.