Get Your Man Paws Off of Her!!
December 22, 2008 
20 Comments
I just had a question from a client about bringing touch into the conversation.
Here’s what he asked: “so you’re talking to a woman, and she starts touching you a little bit, how do you touch her back? And when is it okay to start the touch?”
Here is how I feel about touch: it has to be a comfortable way of touching. I’m not very touchy-feely in the beginning when I meet someone – it’s just not who I am.
A lot of guys tend to think that you have to touch a woman to turn her on, but if I’m not comfortable yet, I’m not going to touch her.
Even if I don’t touch her, I’m still going to turn her on in other ways to let her know that I’m interested in her. This means not breaking eye contact, smiling a lot, and making my body language very strong and powerful – I will be facing her directly and possibly breaking the comfort zone and moving in a bit closer.
I’m just not that big of a toucher. A lot of guys think that they have to start touching her to get her turned on.
If a woman touches me, I’m going to touch her back immediately. If I’m walking with and talking to her, I might touch her shoulder as we’re walking, I might put my hand on the small of her back. I might touch her hair a little bit, just playing with it naturally.
If we’re out on a great and I’m driving, I might be talking (and I talk with my hands a lot) and then just rest my hand on her thigh. Just very casually.
But I don’t think about the best time to touch her. I touch her when I feel comfortable and okay with it.
The worst thing ever is when you touch somebody and it doesn’t feel right. It’s awful when you’re touching her just because you feel like you need to escalate with her and you think that it’s going to build attraction. It’s creepy. It feels forced.
What it comes down to is that you should touch a woman when you feel comfortable enough to do it, but before you do that, you should start bringing her in a little bit.
When I’m out on a date, I’ll lean forward. If she’s leaning into me, I’ll lean into her and I’ll put my hands on the table. I’ll put them on the midsection of the table. If she puts her hands right next to my hands, I might just start touching her fingers a little bit.
But I do this when I feel really comfortable, not when I’m “supposed to.” You don’t force touch.
In order to even want her to be touched you need to become memorable.
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thats true david, people can never remember you if you don’t talk to them and show interest in them as a person
Touching is something I’m currently working on. One thing I noticed, however, is that it’s much easier do heavy touching early on when it’s a night-time setting.
Touch should be an extension of what you are trying to convey verbally.
I like to use touch to emphasize the very things I want to tell her. I hate guys who use touch just for the sake of touching.
It’s so creepy!
Those of us who are not touchy-feely know when others around us are natural touchers (huggers, back-slappers, etc.) and we usually manage to deal with it without making a scene or being pissy about it. But you don’t want to be known as the guy who approaches every woman like an octopus in Superfly seduction mode. Creepy. If you behave in a way that is welcoming and not aggressive, women will feel more comfortable sitting/standing/walking much closer to you. If you touch, make sure that it is only a touch, not a grab or a hand permanently glued to wherever it landed. It’s snowing here and offering an arm is a nice way to touch, be polite (even gallant), and safe without being overly familiar. Just watch any really old movie and how strangers (boy meets girl) behave: on the street, at a dance, with a formal introduction, etc. Notice how they touch a lot more than we do today because they had socially acceptable ways of touching that were not offensive. Then loosen it up for today’s culture. It’s far more attractive to be able to accept an invitation than to feel like predator and prey with no escape.
Khiem!
Are guys touching you? No, no, no… no liberal hanky panky stuff please!
If I’m not comfortable touching her yet is it acceptable for me to touch myself while out on a date?
I LOVE when a guy that I’m into is confident enough for the casual, light contact – a hand at the small of my back, a little protective body-blocking if it’s crowded. But there is definitely nothing creepier than the not-ready-yet man-handling. How to tell if it’s time? If the girl is touching you, if she’s leaning in close…I practically threw myself at one date who, despite the fact that we were clicking, maintained his distance as if I were contagious. I was pissed but I hung around for a second date, and it turns out he had been indoctrinated by his mother to “be a gentleman.” So, some touch is nice, but don’t go for the kill if you’re definitely not getting signals…
The last date I went on before I met David was with a cute Russian girl who lived in my building. We went to the movies and I defeated myself by analyzing the situation, including when the best time to “touch” her was. Turns out I was pretty off… I went in for an arm around the shoulder high school move during the movie and I freaked her out. This was maybe our second date and it was way too soon for her comfort level.
Just thought I’d share. There is definately a wrong time to touch, so there must be a right time too.
Mike
This is really interesting. When to touch also depends on your goals: sex, dating, relationship. You are more likely to succeed in a one night stand if you are more aggressive with touching, even though it still comes down to soliciting her comfort. When I’ve felt the most chemistry, however, touching happened pretty quickly. So really, it’s not about when to touch, it’s about how to generate enough comfort as soon as possible that a person’s true quirky personality can come out, so you can determine if there is chemistry.
I don’t mind if a person touches my shoulder or wants to hold my hand. I was told this years ago let the guy make the first move. If I am interested then I will let him touch. But on the first date I don’t like it when a guy comes on too strong and wanting sex immediately especially if I don’t know you.
David
You ought to live in Tennessee we pay $1.85 a gallon for gas.
I like Sassygal’s comment about touching: casual, light contact. If you’re out on a date, I think touching can be used to convey interest and comfort, provided it’s light. If you just met a stranger and you’re really hitting it off, I like to push the limits of touching (non-sexual) and see how comfortable we can get. I’m naturally very comfortable with touching and I’ve never had a problem with her not liking it.
We pay $1.77 here.
I come from a culture where touching is very common…Going on a date with a lady who is from a culture where touching is not is, hmm, shall we say interesting. Definitely more challenging! I usually point it out in the beginning so they are not taken by surprise…This I think intrigues them a bit.
Again, it must feel right. Of course I stop at the customary kissing the cheeks (once on each one) way of greeting each other…that really throws ladies here for a loop:-)
Too true! I spent some time in South America years ago and everyone kisses both cheeks all the time! My friends warned me in advance that if I ever drew back from anyone during an introduction or greeting, that they would never speak to me again because that move was extremely insulting and much worse than having my so-called “personal space” violated. I managed to weather the experience with a smile, which is a big deal for my background where no one touches strangers or new acquaintances unless they are dancing or shaking hands.
we pay $1.69
anyway, i am not a big touchy feeley guy either. I like to listen to a woman emotion, feel her soul, and feel every inch of her when the time is right!
I have met women who were very touchy feely with me, and I didn’t mind (ofcourse you mind say that’s because you are a guy?). I think Its nice and classy, as long as its natural.
I heard in some middle eastern culture guys kiss each other in the cheeks.
And last summer when I took a trip to Bangladesh, I noticed guys were holding hands, and putting their arms around each others shoulder. I made a quick judgment that they were gay, but I was wrong. They were friends, and guys are bit more touchy with each in some countries.
Man I just don’t know who to believe in the dating industry. I know that David has been doing it for alot longer than most of them but I still keep hearing conflicting advice.
I was listening to a Cory Skyy podcast and he says that you should never stand face to face with a woman unless you’re about to hug them or kiss them. He says that you should face them on an angle to them so that you’re projecting more energy outwards. Apparently facing women directly and leaning in to them conveys to her and others that you are trying to qualify yourself to her nonverbally. But I’m hearing David saying that you should face them directly and lean into them.
Cory Skyy is apparently a genius who has helped thousands of men become naturals. But I just don’t know what advice is right or wrong, it’s just confusing me big time.
I also hear from pickup 101′s Lance Mason that you should initiate touch early on especially to start an interaction.
I started an interaction with a beautiful woman warm approach style in Target today. At the time it seemed completly inappropriate to touch her. She seemed like if I would have initiated touch I would have crepped her out big time.
I also hear from alot of other well-known dating gurus that you shouldn’t face a woman directly or lean into her during an interaction because it will be percieved that you’re taking too much interest in her too soon and trying to win her approval via approval seeking body language.
Im getting pretty confused by all the conflicting advice that i’m getting that it’s actually hurting my progress with women. Who do I believe and if im told to believe one person in particular is that just because he wants my money?
Hey dragonclaw
I think I was more or less on the same page as you a few months or so ago until I took a BC!!
Unless you’re a completely cold, ruthless, logical human being, I reckon you’re way overthinking things through!
Yeah I can understand the basis of not directly facing a woman, and the neg etc, especially with particuarly good looking/snobbish women with MM theory, but you’re shooting yourself in the foot because you’re up in your head/not staying present until you become almost mechanical at what you’re learning (which for me, is a bad thing). Do you really want one of these women?
But I know the kind of women I really want to connect with are warmhearted, and I want to focus on what she’s saying i.e. listening!! rather than thinking, should I touch her for 5 seconds or 10? Am I facing her too directly? If you want to treat meeting people as a football game, then thats great, but I know I want to be myself and roll with it, and not change myself for other people.
I guess you could compare it to while you’re heading towards a touch down (or whatever you do in “football” : ) you’re constantly thinking about whats going on around you, and before you know it, the balls way down the other end of the pitch!
Which is what I’ve learnt most from DW, is to listen intenself, observe, use the personality thats inside you all along that people like you for, and to make everything fun. There are tonnes of other gems which you’ll no doubt find, but those things above are the things I’ve really understood and are completely compatible with me and who I am.
In regards to your last question, then yes and no. Obviously everyone wants to make a dime. But its also excellent advice wherever its coming from, you’re confusing yourself with tonnes of products, wasting your own time, and not living your life. If theres one particular, solid block you’re having, then thats great! Research it a little and find a solution and give it a go, if its right for you!
If you have any other questions, you’re welcome to email me peterwcox@hotmail.co.uk (or windows messenger etc). Hope I havent rambled too much
Pete
Dragon Claw
I was learning from Chris Carter about guys and through him I learned what attraction was. I heard about David through one of Chris Carter’s CD’s Inside the Mind of A Man. I listen to both of them because each individual has different viewpoints on how they see things. I also have literature from Chris Carter. I plan on staying with both of them. There are times that I will say I learned from a different source that is what I learned from Chris Carter.
Your question:
It depends on the woman that you are interested in some women don’t mind if you stand in front of her. Me for instance I don’t take it offensively when a guy stands in front of me. As long as we are both are in agreement that we want to kiss or hold each other. It depends on the person’s personality and preferences.
I like a little bit of touch too and playfulness from a guy. It makes me feel comfortable b/c I am playful but wait for the guy to lead. I think I want to know that he accepts me and then respond to him. Otherwise, I don’t use touch myself unless I truly like a guy and want to let him know that. I do have to be comfortable and I think that playfulness is involved in that.