Get The Fear Monkey Off Your Back (And Out Of Your Head)
January 14, 2010 
21 Comments
A member of my Community Site asked me a great question. He asked me, “David, how do I get rid of the monkey chatter inside my head? How do I get rid of the voices in my head full of fear and doubt – the ones which tell me I can’t approach or talk to women?”
This is such a common issue and such a big problem for so many guys, that I wanted to address it here in the blog. Monkey chatter is something you can conquer.
First, you have to really get deep with yourself. You have to make a list of everything those voices in your head say to you.
Write them all down. In fact, grab a piece of paper or get on your computer right now, even before you finish reading this blog and get them all down.
As you’re writing, answer these questions. What do the voices say? How do those voices make you feel? Write all of that down.
Second, I want you to go in front of a mirror and say out loud what those voices do to you. I want you to say it over and over again until you smile, laugh, crack up and just unwind.
I want you to read it out loud in front of a mirror every day, because this will eventually get you to see that those voices are just the fears and excuses behind which you are hiding. You’ll see the monkey chatter for what it is: crazy talk.
Now don’t get me wrong. We’ve all had monkey chatter in our heads at one time or another, and we’ve all hid behind those fears and excuses.
Seeing yourself do it in the mirror, however, will get you to remain in the moment when you’re in those situations where the monkey chatter might get to you. Imagine you are standing there thinking about approaching and talking to a beautiful woman you see. Instead of hearing the monkey chatter in your head, you will see yourself speaking those words you said to yourself in the mirror.
You will start smiling and laughing and the whole interaction with that woman will change. The whole energy of that interaction will be different. You’ll start feeling better about yourself, better about the moment and you’ll stop taking yourself so seriously.
That’s one thing that I found worked for me. Why don’t you give it a try and see how it works for you.
This is a great exercise. I just got my journal to write out all those monkey chatters that just driving me crazy. I am thinking maybe I should write out my monkey chatter for a week, and then go front of the mirror, what you guys think?
I really believe before any man can have success with women he must get control of his inner monkey first, or the monkey chatter. This is something that you just don’t do in one day, I think it should be a on going goals.
Max-
You can do that, or whenever you have fear write it down and then go front of the mirror. It will more effective you do it as soon as you feel it, instead of waiting for week to gather big list.
alright thanks Jacob!
Hey guys, its been a while. How are you all doing?
I agree Tony its really crucial to get rid of the monkey chatter before we can approach women at a higher level. I’m getting better at this than before.
Max- if it helps motivate you, well 5 months ago I had the worst monkey chatter ever. So i started to work on myself from any information I can find from the blogs, products, podcast, it really helped me think more freely around women, and be my real self.
So last advice don’t wait, start as soon as possible.
I’m so glad to be part of this blog, you guys are rock!!!
Thanks Jeffrey it really does motivate to hear from everyone.
I have also heard people say reframe your thoughts and say positive things to yourself daily, I wonder what’s more effective doing it front of the mirror or just saying it to yourself???
Steve- can you elaborate on that? not sure what’re trying to say….
Steve- I think you should just stick with one thing at a time, give it a shot for a month, and see how you feel about it. What I really like about David’s way of teaching is that its simple to implement and you get results!!!
Jeffrey,
Reframing your thoughts is monitoring your thoughts and changing what those thoughts say.
In David’s exercise, you become aware of your thoughts by writing them down. And you make fun of them in front of the mirror to break up the pattern.
To reframe your thoughts, do the same first part. Write down what your fears are… what your thoughts are telling you… then ask yourself: are these thoughts really true? Are they really valid?
Here’s an example… let’s say you want to go talk to a woman and your immediate thought is:
- She doesn’t want to talk to me.
Well… that’s what YOU believe right now… but ask yourself: is that really true?
Most likely than not, those are just you projecting your insecurities onto her behavior.
So now… you can destroy that negative monkey chatter… and maybe you can replace/reframe it with: All women want to talk to me.
This is a much more productive thought to have if your goal is to be confident in wanting to talk to all sorts of women.
I used to get real bad monkey chatter in my head…How did I overcome it when the internet wasn’t even invented yet? Simple. I’d say to myself “It’s not like she’s ever been asked out before!” Then I’d ask her out and get rejected…lol. But I always patted myself on the back cause I made the effort which is more than alot of people do. Of course now that someone like David is around I know how to do it correctly.
That make sense coach Ken nice way to put it I needed to hear that!
Kevin–love your insight and comment. Actually, not having the internet probably helped as people nowadays often hide behind the computer and don’t put things into action! It’s great that you made efforts to talk with women. There is no failure in rejection…it’s something to learn and grow from. When you feel good about yourself and the monkey chatter goes away, being “rejected” won’t matter!
The best way to get that “monkey” out of your head is to go out and fail.
seriously,
experience what scares you and you’ll be a lot stronger for it
-Matrix
Thanx Coach Kim, Perhaps what I was thinking would help someone else who is going through the same thing when I was in my late teens and early 20′s when the chatter was really bad. I discovered I was the only one making a big deal out of it, Let’s face it, cute women get approached and asked out all the time,it’s nothing new to them.
I believe that success with women is part of the larger picture of being and feeling like a man. Find out what makes you feel most like a man – outside of being with a woman. Do more of that. Do it better. Bring everything you have to it.
Personally, I need challenge. I’ve found that the more I’m challenged, the more I crave it, the more I seek it. And so I look for it in everything I do, whether it’s my work, my hobbies and certainly in the gym while I train. I need that feeling. I need to feel that I’ve gone out there and given it my best, that I’ve worked to be the very best I can be for that hour I’m in there.
The more I seek out and respond to challenge, the more masculine I feel. And that, in turn, permeates everything. It allows me to be much more relaxed, fun and funny with women. Introspection is a good thing, but don’t get too caught up with what’s going on in your head. If you get out there and do what makes you feel like a man, the beliefs that have been holding you back will eventually float to the surface and become conscious. And once you’re aware of them, they’ll no longer control you.
So do both. Look inward. But venture outward.
What Pete said really resonates with me. If I’m not on my game with fitness/work, etc, how can I expect my personal life to fall into place? It doesn’t add up.
I’ve always seen relationships and dating as a reward for putting hard work into your own life.
great post today David! I’ll give it a shot. I still got monkeys running around in my head. Thanks!
Hey man great blog as usual
but I’m a little confused here “Second, I want you to go in front of a mirror and say out loud what those voices do to you.”
I’m confused at the “do to you” part so should i say out loud how these voices make me feel right?
thanks
It’s all about self confidence, women can smell if a man is confident about himself.