Get Rid Of The Monkey Chatter Part One
August 25, 2008 
23 Comments
Here is the first part of a discussion we had a recent weekend bootcamp. This will give you a good idea about what my bootcamps are like! Stay tuned for the rest…
David: We just had a great discussion about the definition of social anxiety. I’m going to have Josh explain the meaning, and then we’ll get a bit deeper into it.
Social anxiety is a disease that runs rampant all over the world – but it’s a self-imposed affliction. Of course, the pharmaceutical companies will try to medicate you with everything – take Paxil, take this, take that – but the fact is that social anxiety is not something that cannot be corrected with a few changes in behavior and mindset.
Josh, you totally got it, so I’m going to have you explain it.
Josh: Social anxiety arises from just not talking to people for long periods of time. Then the monkey chatter builds up and it’s impossible to be sociable. You’re not warmed up. You become afraid to do that which you haven’t been doing regularly.
David: Yeah. Let’s say you’re walking around the mall, or in the market, wherever, but the longer that you wait to talk to people, the more difficult it becomes.
Then you start judging yourself and overthinking. It’s not you judging yourself; it’s that internal voice that is judging you – the drunken monkey. It says to you, “oh man, you’re such a loser. What are you doing? You should have talked to those three people!”
It begins to build and you start responding to that inner voice. The minute you begin to talk back to that inner voice, you’re no longer present in the moment. You’re now in hell. You’re completely torturing yourself. You start saying to yourself, you’re so right! I should have talked to those people!
Do you remember Animal House? There’s that part where there’s the devil and an angel on each shoulder – all of a sudden you’ve got that devil and angel talking back and forth to each other.
“Yeah, you can really do this!” the angel says, and the devil responds, “no, you’re an idiot, man!” And then all of a sudden, it’s been like an hour since you’ve spoken to someone real!
The next thing you know, the beautiful woman you’ve been waiting for walks by – you catch her out of the glimpse of your eye – and you don’t notice anything about her. You can’t make any observations about her, and you don’t notice anything.
She was probably the easiest person to talk to all day because she had a look of confusion on her face and she dropped her bag – but you didn’t notice anything because you were too busy battling with no longer one drunken monkey but a whole zoo in your head. They’re just chattering away in there.
So, at this point, you need to do the following exercise to bring yourself back to reality: you need to ground yourself and center yourself. You have to tell the voice to SHUT UP.
Have you ever seen Nightshift? It’s a really funny movie with Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton – I think it’s one of the first films they ever did. It’s hysterical. Michael Keaton has this crazy internal voice that keeps talking, and finally, Henry Winkler says to him, “this is Chuck telling Bob to SHUT UP!”
You have to do the same thing inside your own head. “This is Joe telling the monkey chatter to SHUT UP!” Say it to yourself and start laughing about it. Calm yourself down and breathe.
So you screwed up for an hour? No big deal. You can move forward starting now. You can ground yourself again and make a pact with yourself. Promise yourself the following: “I’m going to talk to the next person that walks by. I will observe what they are feeling; I will observe their emotions. If I can’t read the emotion on their face I’ll observe something that they are wearing or anything I can compliment them on. I’m going to pay them a random compliment.”
If you pay them a random compliment, what are you doing? You’re offering it genuinely without expecting any outcome. This means that you can start building up your confidence again.
So you see someone and say, “oh man, that’s a cool watch.” They say, “oh, thank you,” and they smile. What is that telling the monkeys inside your head? It tells them to calm down because that smile is positive reinforcement.
That is how you can get rid of the drunken monkey, monkeys, or jungle in your head. There are guys I’ve worked with that have a jungle in there! They have monkeys, giraffes, lions and tigers! They have a whole neighborhood up there.
A guy I once coached said to me, “man, if you were in my head, you would know that this is a bad neighborhood. You don’t want to go there. I’m trying to get to the other side of town!”
So this is what you do to calm yourself down. You have to tell yourself to shut up, and you have to realize that it doesn’t matter whatever you missed. You have the abundance principle working for you – you still have the rest of the day or night – or even the rest of your life. So don’t judge yourself on the half hour where the monkeys took over inside your zoo.
Join us tomorrow for part 2.
This week we will explore the dreaded monkey chatter forever and all the women of the blog have the same voices and animals in their mind.
So this advice is great for you as well!!
Tomorrow I will post the full version in podcast format as well.
Great blog here David but I think it’s even better if the reinforcement comes from inside yourself rather than an outside influence. This takes more work but that’s something you advocate all the time.
ok,
shut up Slava monkey and go study!
Hey Slava, have I met you before?
Monkey chatter: The longer you wait to talk to that women you fancy, the more monkey chatter will control you.
The other day I was talking to a group of women, and by reading their body-langage I didn’t stay no more than 30 secs. The monkey chatter in my head said lot of things, but I let the past go, because it doesn’t matter. These women doesn’t know me and neither do I. So what I did is give myself credit for going up and starting the conversation.
Stop thinking about the failures, what you really need to do is approach the next women. Because if you dont, the monkey chatter might signal negative reinforcement about the past.
Like David said, you have to tell the monkey chatter to shut-the-f…up and give yourself credit for the small victory!!!!!
You can quiet down the Monkey Chatter by gaining more experience (performance confidence) and also learning to believe more in yourself (improving your self-esteem by paying attention to how you think of yourself)
Obviously, not giving you time to think… is another way to “avoid” the monkey chatter… I guess that’s why some people came up with the 3 sec rule.
The way I look at it is that whenever you avoid talking to people out of fear, you’re giving that monkey a banana. Then the monkey gets fat and heavy and it becomes almost impossible to push it over to the wonderful world of being social.
The solution really comes down to just not to feeding it the metaphorical banana. Easier said then done, right?
Even so, it’s crucial to do your best to keep that monkey on the brink of starvation. Go out and talk to everyone and FORCE yourself to get into a fun state if you have to. That way the monkey remains weak and feeble and you can kick it’s sorry chattering ass!
LOL Taras, that has to be the FUNNIEST comment coming from you to date!
great blog! the monkey chatter probably fucked up my interaction more than anything out there, i really liked the inner dialogs tidbits, its like using the monkey chatter to kill the monkey chatter : )
To me, conquering “monkey chatter” has always seemed like 85% of the battle … I think sometimes we do more to sabotage ourselves than we can ever imagine.
So, it’s time to celebrate when you learn to do this … Ding dong the monkey chatter is dead!!
Actually I like monkeys. It is a small theme in my house. I have a monkey soap dish, beach towel and key chain. Never thought my monkeys were telling me not to talk to women that I would like to meet. I bet it is my monkey soap dish I have in the shower taht is talking to me. Maybe he is worried some lady might move in and not like him and end up replacing him with some other boring soap dish. I guess I can’t blame the poor little guy. He’s just tring to survive.
Hey Kevin …. Relax, I was saying Ding Dong the monkey CHATTER is dead
Ya, the monkey chatter always sabotages it. And the more of it I recognize and really realize that I’ve completely made up, the more my head feels clear and ready to go. Because talking to someone with a clear head and relaxed attitude is the quickest way I’ve had success. There really is no larger determinant of success.
Hi this is Dan from PETA. All you guys better stop talking about killing monkeys, not cool. If you continue massacring them we will hunt you down and boycott the hell out of you and your families. Long live the monkeys!
lol
Khiem: What’s the 3 sec rule? Some guys here have been married too long;-) The only PUA thing related I have picked up lately is groceries and laundry:-)
12 Monkeys…
and a banana…
only 1 banana, JustMe?
Get Rid of the Monkey Chatter blog Part 1 = 1 banana
Get Rid of the Monkey Chatter blog Part 2 = 2 bananas?
Our false self is always stirring up comflict, thats the only way it will stay alive.
I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”
hahahahahahahahaha
Dan,
Tne 3 sec rule is the idea that when you see a woman you are attracted to, don’t hesitate, go talk to her immediately (within 3 sec of seeing her).
That way, it doesn’t give you time to let out the monkey out of its cage ;p
hey spencerella
just the tip…..i used to play that game all the time.
when i used to play just the tip i would always hope that they would pull me into them in passion after feeling the tip.
but what happened more was they would start crying and all the guilt would come out and it would turn into bat out of hell from meat loaf!!
ass out hugs are too funny and they usually come with a pat on the back!!
I know I’m going to feel really really stupid here, but wth is just the tip?
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.