Get Out of Your Head
May 8, 2009 
17 Comments
The other night as I was about to fall asleep, I turned to my girlfriend and said “Babe, do you hear that? I think your mom is snoring!” So we got really quiet so we could listen, and indeed we could hear her mom snoring right through the wall. It’s amazing how the sound of snoring can travel through sheet rock.
It reminds me of staying in a hotel, and how the walls are always so paper thin that you can even hear the person in the next room sneeze. I actually remember staying in a Marriott in Washington DC one time when I did hear the man in the room next to me sneeze. When I heard that I said “Bless you” which he evidently heard right through the wall, because he answered “Thanks!”
Anyway, so my girlfriend and I spent the night listening to her mom snore. Her mom more than made up for that, though, with some amazing meals she’s been cooking for us. I’m telling you, you can’t beat coming home to the smell of meatballs and the sound of Frank Sinatra playing.
Now, on to today’s magical Friday topic!! Here’s something that is going to blow you away: when you approach a woman and you’re afraid of looking like an idiot, guess what happens?
You look like an idiot.
You manifest that which you are afraid of. Have you ever heard of the concept of poverty mentality? It says that the person who is so afraid of being broke all of the time will stay broke.
It’s all about mindset. When you go in there being afraid of looking like an idiot, you’re not being yourself.
You need to ask yourself a question. Look in the mirror right now, and ask, “Am I an idiot? Am I somebody that is such an idiot that people can’t even stand me? Do people walk over to me all the time and say, ‘You’re a fucking idiot, what is wrong with you?’ ”
You have to realize that this is nonsense. And you’ll most likely look like an idiot when you’re afraid of looking like one. If you’re not afraid, and you’re not over-thinking, you just act like yourself.
A lot of guys think, well if I act like myself, women aren’t going to like me. Bullshit. I’m talking about acting the way that you do in front of your friends. I’m talking about acting the way you act when you’re having a good time – not when you’re scared.
It’s not hard to act carefree. In fact, it’s fairly easy. You’re not being judged by anybody. The person sitting next to you is not looking at you and sizing you up.
It’s crazy. And it’s all about being stuck inside your head.
Actually I find it totally a turn on if you can see the guy is getting all messed and choked up trying to approach you. I love the softer vulnerable side of of you boys. It’s a package of all your emotions that’s attractive, at least to me.
David you are making me soooo hungry..Love it when my mom or dad is over here cooking for me. I know the recipes myself but it tastes so much better when they cook them up. Wonder who is in charge of the kitchen for the next two weeks..
Indeed. People manifest whatever they expect the social interaction to be like. There’s even a concept in social psychology that actually called “self-fulfilling prophecy.”
You know whats the most Compelling fact about this law? It works all the time. Even if you don’t believe in it. If you think women will kick your ass, they will kick your ass. If you believe it’s on then it’s on. No exception. So take it easy, believe in the max and get things going!!
AGREED! A conversation is like flowing water when you get the chatter out of your head.
My girl friends like to ‘play it safe.’ so when it comes to guys, they start with the negative thought: do not put your hopes up because it always ends bad anyways and then you’ll go, “see, just like I predicted. It was good not to put my hopes up”. But then, the whole act of starting with a negative thought already causes the situation to be a self fulfilling one. I try to tell them this but they counter with, well its good to be aware of both the good and bad (but they still stick to the bad possibilities more), sadly.
I think that many people of both sexes often “play it safe.” That’s why we need to remind ourselves to re-frame the effort BEFORE it begins as an “exploration” instead of a “mission: impossible” with a negative foundation.
And I’m with Marina on her observation that guys who choke up publicly ARE attractive – especially if they don’t run away but keep the encounter moving forward. Now that’s showing a determination to not give up and to keep trying in the face of potential embarrassment. It certainly lowers my defenses. I appreciate a confident approach as much as anyone but seeing the momentary falter is a door to my empathy.
I often have a negative mindset when I’m the one holding events with my friends. I’m not the leader in my group of friends. I lay back more and am quieter so my friend never expect me to actually come up with events. For example, I cancelled my birthday hangout because people were busy with exams so I just said we can go watch a movie tomorrow. But I have a feeling that not many of my friends will put effort into making it. I know that I’m always up for hanging out simply because I love being with my friends. I know not to expect things from people but it kind of hurts my ego when people don’t show up for my events and so I cancel it. And how do I start to change myself and my relation with my friends so that I wont be ditched out on? I guess, what I mean is, how do I make myself taken more seriously?
kismet
Just don’t turn up to their shit, and see how they like it.
There are times that we need to get out of our heads and see what reality is all about. Going out for a walk in the park or just relaxing with your loved one. Or having a family get together.
Being Outcome Independent
First, realize that you’re either going to get what you want from the interaction OR you’ll learn what it takes to improve and get it next time.
Second, make it your priority to have fun. If a girl doesn’t “get you” then you need to find a girl with a sense of humor more suited to you.
Finally, don’t give up so easy. Any situation can be turned around if you’re committed. So, even if it’s not going well at first just keep displaying your personality until she sees something she likes.
David Gideon
Getting out of your head means also being more present in your body and that makes attractive. Everyone knows Bill Clinton and the way he is present in a room. You can literally feel his presence even if you don’t look at him directly. It’s like an aura of being-present that surrounds him and gives him a lot of energy.
Lets go a bit deeper into that. What is presence? And why is it so important? Well, if you have heard about the word CHI, you know that it is very much related to presence. The CHI is also called the life energy and it flows to and from persons depending where your attention or focus is. If you have a lot of CHI, you have a lot of energy and are radiating it. Some people call the CHI the Aura of a person. It is visible by the unconscious and especially sensitive people – like women usually are – can sense its presence or absence.
Now that may sound a bit esoteric to you but you can even try that out. Talk to someone for five minutes and focus ALL your attention on the other person. You will feel exhausted afterwards. Do the same but keep some of the attention to you – like your body, your feelings – and you will feel much better. This is the CHI flowing and you just proved you can sense it too!
Now what has the CHI to do with presence and being attractive? Well, to be attractive you need to have a good Aura, you need to be full of CHI. You can only achieve that by (1) having your attention focused on yourself and your body and (2) having a lot of other people focus their attention on you. And here comes the interesting part of it. CHI flows from other people to you as they focus on you. Some call this “Social Proof” but that goes way beyond Social Proof.
The first step, being present in your own body, has a lot to do with body language and the way you stand, walk and move your eyes. You want to sense every step you take and want to allow your feet to step on the ground firmly. Many people, as they walk nervously, unconsciously want to avoid having their feet cause too much trouble to the ground. The result is they walk in an awkward, insecure way and tend to “fall forward” instead of walking. Try this: Walk straight, with your eyes focusing just ahead on the road. Let your foot reach forward as you take the step, letting the heels touch the ground first. Then, pull your body forward and FULLY step on the ground with all your weight. Make slow but firm, secure movements. If you video-tape yourself before and after that exercise (do it for at least 30 minutes a day!) you will note a TREMENDOUS difference.
Next step is eye contact. If you establish eye contact with someone, never be the first one to look away. This would convey insecurity and social inferiority. You ALLOW yourself to decide where you look and are not afraid of it, so the other person shall be the one to look away first. Again, try this out EVERY DAY on a busy street or in clubs and you will feel much more powerful and secure yourself.
And there we come to the second part – and the reason why these exercises might feel so awkward for you in the beginning. When you show PRESENCE – by doing the things described beforehand – you will be more present, meaning that other people will notice you. And when they notice you, they look at you. They focus their attention on you. And that feels SO awkward for many people they try to avoid this in the first place. Because no one is used to attention. It’s a thing we’ve been raised with – don’t cause any attention, be quiet, never let anyone notice you. It’s burned deeply into our brains. But if you want to be successful, it’s the only way.
Now let me share with you a story as it happened to me lately. I tried these concepts on a busy County Fair here and did the walking bodylanguage exercise for 30 minutes prior to entering the venue. I felt so powerful it was amazing. As I entered one of the beer halls, I could feel my presence. I felt every step I took on the ground, I sensed my body, my bones, my muscles. And it felt damn good. When I enter the hall, I continued walking in a slow, secure way. And there it came. Even though it was a busy place with everyone drinking beer and loud music, and it was VERY crowded, everyone seemed to look at me. It felt awkward because I am not used to attention. But then I consciously became aware of it and tried to ENJOY the attention and soaked it up. I literally worked the room in a Bill Clinton way. This is what’s meant when people talk about how to enter a room with presence.
Marcus, this was excellent, thanks a lot!
I think you are the next DW Coach?
yeah Dan, maybe, you never know
Markus, your post should turn into a blog!
I really liked what you said about walking. We just had the woman’s bootcamp this past weekend and I had to actually teach the client how to walk! A lot of things can be read through the subtext of body language… and the funny thing is… she wasn’t very comfortable with getting attention… which explained why she was walking the way she walks.
Markus,
Great one, It’s all about how you feel inside and it will translate in how you move and what kind of energy you give away. Being aware of yourself is very powerful.
Eye contact so true it’s about “power” and showing the other you are comfortable with yourself, note though with mentally unstable that might not be the best way to go…they will get ticked off.
thanks for sharing this Markus
Markus,
thats great, I love your integretion of Chi.
My brother always taught me the eye contact, walk, posture and presence whenever I felt I needed to know more on how to improve myself.
kismet/Khiem,
it really dazzled me how uncomfortable one can become with getting attention and exposing oneself. But I think thats the key why many people are unsuccessful – its not that they cant approach people, but rather they believe they cant handle all the additional attention!
Thanks all of you for your responses!