So many guys get stuck in friend zone with women, and they never get out of it. I’m sure that resonates with many of the guys reading this blog.
I really don’t have women anymore with whom I am just “buddy-buddy.” Now I am not talking about having women friends. I am talking about being just friends with certain women whom I liked as more than friends, but with whom I was just friends because that is all I could be with them.
I used to have women friends like this during my twenties. I was always the dishrag.
They would get into a fight with Joe The Boyfriend, and then they would call me crying and say, “Oh my God, I don’t know what happened…” I’d sit there and listen to them because I would think that something would happen if I just listened and waited it out.
What did happen with those women? Nothing.
They would come over and say, “Can I snuggle with you?” Then we would snuggle as I had a full-on erection, hoping that they either wouldn’t notice or would notice and give me some misery sex or something.
I would also keep hoping that when they would break up with Joe The Boyfriend, that they would then decide to date me. Did that ever happen? Nope. They would break up with Joe The Boyfriend and start dating someone new . . . and I was never that guy.
Eventually I realized that there was a way to escape being stuck in the friend zone. I started to realize that every time I befriended women in another way, things turned out very differently (and with a much more desirable result!).
I began to be the “cool guy” with women I would befriend. I would hang out with them and have fun — maybe take the dog for a walk on the beach or get some coffee — but there was no romantic pressure or talking about the boyfriend. Once I started doing this, I never went back.
I never again sat with one of these women and said, “So what’s your relationship with your boyfriend really about?” I didn’t ask women in text messages, “How’s your boyfriend?”
I knew what the relationship was about, and we didn’t have to talk about it all the time. We might talk about it for five or ten minutes, but then I’d drop the subject.
By being this type of friend — a buddy, but really not a buddy — if she texts you out of the blue six months down the road, then she is still thinking about you.
I remember back when I was single something like this happening to me one time. I received a friend request on Facebook from a real estate agent whom I had asked out on a date months before.
When I first met her, I wrote her an email that said “You know what? I’m very indecisive right now about the house that I want, but one thing I’m very sure about is that I want to get to know you better. Dinner.” She emailed me back saying, “God, I’m so flattered and tempted, but I’m seeing somebody and just can’t right now.”
So months later she added me as a Friend on Facebook (with no message). This meant that somewhere in the back of her mind, subconsciously, she was thinking about me.
So what I did next was to write her a little note on Facebook saying, “How the hell are you? What’s going on? Is that boyfriend protecting you from burglars?” (We had talked when I met her about her house almost being broken into, and I was joking that she needed somebody to protect her).
She responded, “Well, the dog protected me.” That led into a conversation and some consistent contact (and ultimately a date with her as her relationship was on the verge of ending).
So think about the women in your life with whom you might be able to reconnect. How do you be sure to stay out of the friend zone? Be sure that you’re not being used as a dishrag. Be that “cool” guy, and you will never get stuck in that dreaded friend zone.
awesome post David!
I need to get out of that zone. And fast! Like, within hours perhaps. lol
wish me luck!
I am gonna think to myself WWDWD? (What Would David Wygant Do?)
Have a great weekend!
i know what you mean, because i am that way right now how can i get a girl that wants to be more then friends? Do you know the movie Just Friends, that is how i feel bu i am going to start asking a girl out thats in my class at school because i kind of heard her say that shes lonely and i’m lonely so i thought why not have two people thats lonely end up together
Of all your posts nothing has resonated more with me than this. Thank you.
This is for David and all of you guys.If you manage to get out of the friend zone, or just do something right,have fun and stuff and notice that that respective woman is atracted to you…what do you do?Continue with the same attitude?I don’t know about you but when I see that someone really likes me I , I start doing stupid things,and I mess things up. Why is that?Because of my age?My lack of experience? Is it posible to have the same attitude with someone if you notice that they like you and you see that they are interested?
What should I do here?I mean I screwed this up many times(and it should have been a piece of cake sincer I noticed she likes me).Help?I’m really in fog here…Thanks for the post David!
first off good luck to wygnant fan up there
well i had a somewhat similar situation. I used to date some girl back in fer/march of this year, and yeah well that didnt last very long, it’s weird becasue i really did like her, and i dunno it seem as she did too, she would tell me she liked me alot, but i guess i was being too needy and needed validation, i hate to say that but i think thats what drove her away and to this day i hate myself for it, It ultimately put me in the friend zone. I actually didnt want anything to do with her. So i cut off all communication, until her birthday came around in september. So i just txt her a happy bday nothing more, she seemed happy about it and told me she was happy i remembered, and yeah after that she added me on facebook. i was like, woah weird, but yeah i wouldnt mind reconnecting with her, i mean all that time i had were i cut off the communication made me think of all the stupid things that made me look like a pussy. i learned very well from it, but still a 2nd chance with her seems unlikely : /
wygant fan- love the idea of wwdwd its money:)
This is a key topic, i am taking notes today thanks David!
wygant fan- how long you been in the friend zone???
Do you need to convey any sexual energy to get out of the friend zone?
This really make sense. I have always wanted to know more about this topic, i’m sure i am not the only one. I think a lot of guys suffer from this one!
Donjuan- I think its like David said, you don’t want to hang with her all the times, become her therapist, but be patient, your time will come.
I would like to hear what the coaches has to say…..
wygant fan- i got couple more
wwjd- what would jacob do?
wwkd-what would ken do?
wwtk- what you therapist Kim do?
Now the list is complete heheheheh
Mike-Ro,
Personally, and I think most of the guys (maybe even david himself) would tell you…
Just keep doing what you are doing. If it aint broke, DONT FIX IT.
If it doesnt work, THEN you need to do a little work on it.
The problem is this, after I see that what I do is working I get over excited and feel the need to do something fast.Before I want something or before she even answers me I coudn’t give a f**k about what she thinks.But after I make her interested, ups this could be an oportunity and I instantly chance my mindset(but I don’t want to it just happens).
THe thing is I want to keep on the same attitude but I get nervous and excited because I don’t want to screw it up.That’s me when I see a real good chance. How would you respond if I told you I myself at 18 made a 22 year old girl blush and be intimidated and…she isn’t normaly shy AT ALL!. So?:) How can I give up that nervous stat and continue what I’ve been doing so far?
My favorite post of yours in ages, really resonated with me. Thanks : D
David, it’s C-Man again. this is one thing I’ve realized. You may give me something from your experience about this: why all the girls that I ask for their let’s say “phone number” things never really get far, than the girls who asks for my number. it’s always like this. like yesterday, I was talking to a woman on the phone at school on some deep conversation. as I was talking, this one girl thatI know from class saw me, and came to me while on the phone and ask me for my number, I wrote it down on the facebook search, and she added it.
since then, she has been texting me, asking me to add her on facebook, and other stuff. I’ve come to a realization that women are attracted to energy. because I’m so loud, and I make friends easily, they see it and come to me. they’ll see me talking to a bunch of people, laughing and having a good time, and they wonder how I can make friends that fast.
I don’t know, maybe you might add something more. it’s some observation that I see now and then. I confess those every morning. I confess that “I am always the center of attention. My positive energy is always attracting people.” and it happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went out with this girl and and some friends sunday. We ended up getting pretty drunk. So i slept at her place in her ex-roomates room. She told me earlier in the night that I ment a lot to her and that I was a good friend. So before I go to bed she tells me she loves me and that I mean a lot to her. So I say the same thing back. Shes about to leave the room but she pops her head back into the room and says I love again. So I say yeah I love you to but tell me again when you sober. Was kinda joking with her. Shes about to leave, pops her head back in and says “No I mean it Ill say it to you when Im sober”. So she then leaves to go to her room. Now im thinking of making a move to her room. She then txt msg me from the other room and we get into a conversation. I told her once again she was special to me. And she said “thx your a great friend”. So that shut me down. I didnt wanna hear the friend word again. So i fall asleep then drive home early before she wakes. So after all that now she hasnt responded to any txt msg Ive sent her this week. I txtd her once Monday morning and once that night 6hrs later. No answers. And once Wends, no answer. And also once last sat. Its been 2 weeks now I havent heard from her at all. So should I try talking to her or just say fuck it and stop worrying about her?
David, you failed to disclose any step by step implementation of strategy, or any rules in relation to giving advice to individuals who are already in the friend zone. Please elaborate on how to get OUT of the friend zone, if not, this is by far the worse blog you have ever created. Just my opinion
John,
Were we reading the same blog?? I totally disagree that this was anything even remotely close to a bad blog. To be honest, dude, I think you either didn’t read it very carefully or just plain didn’t get it….
David is saying that the idea is not to get yourself in the “dishrag” kind of friend zone to begin with. And then he told how to have the type of friendship with a woman that would not put you in that place.
Sounds to me like you are VERY bitter about something in your own personal life, and was hoping for some “magic pill” routine or line you could say to get you out of the friend zone you are in.
David, hope you don’t take this guy’s comments to heart. Thought it was an AWESOME blog as usual
so David I gotta question, I have this female friend who I’m not that attracted to but in the back of my mind fucking her wouldn’t be that of a bad idea and if I don’t it doesn’t matter either but my question how do you become that dude who can avoid talking about her boyfriend or talkin about some other dude they have a crush with? How does the cool guy differ as the dude they go in the back of their mind hey what about this guy?
thanks for the blog Man!
Cal,
I am wondering how to get out of it once you are in. Any advice? David’s blog is a non-sequitur, since the conclusion does not relate to the premise of “Get Out Of The Friend Zone”. The premise of the blog is to get out of the friend zone, yet you are claiming David is saying how to avoid it. This is illogical.
Mike-ro,
My recommendations are as follows:
1) try relaxing. Your able to do all this, you should be able to relax in the knowledge that you got to this point.
2) If you feel yourself start to stress at points in the convo, walk away. David (and other gurus) talk all the time about the power of the walk away. And if your getting to that point, and then start feeling nervous, you can get out before they start feeling your nervousness, and still leave a good feeling with them.
3) If those dont help, start looking inside at why your having these types of problems. Maybe you need to see whats going on with you at those times, and what brings up these feelings of nervousness.
About all I got for ya.
I started a blog recently about nice guys getting out, and staying out of the friend’s zone. And I still advise that’s it’s a waste of energy in attempting to get out. There are ways to get out but I believe the first step is always, to step back. (Right now I’m getting a picture of a scheme designed by Seinfeld and George, attempting to do the roommate switch…except their plan involves getting out of the just friends role.)
Think about what kind of relationship you have with a woman you secretly want, and just act like a good friend. That’s borderline nice guy manipulation. And worse yet, when you utter the first words to her, how you really feel and she doesn’t reciprocate, the relationship will most likely fail.
If you’re mindset is unchangeable and you feel you must attempt escaping the good friend role I have to ask you this, will your time invested in getting out yield better and longer lasting results, than that same time spent, working on yourself to become the man in which the friend’s zone, is his choice and not hers?
My advice for John, and I would like to hear David’s opinion on this. If you’re are finding yourself constantly in the friend’s zone it is most likely that you are acting like a friend when you meet her. At the first sign you begin to feel the relationship is lob sided, step back, meet someone else, and do something different with this girl. Follow David’s advice and just be that cool guy. Take notice to how the dynamics are different. Not only will you begin to see what you did that put you in the friend’s zone, you won’t be putting pressure on the first girl. And stepping back from her a little will be good for both of you.
If friends are all she will ever be with you and you can get over your feelings, ask her what put you in there. I have asked several old “girl” friends of mine and I was surprised by their answer. One even said it was my fidgety legs.
To Peter White:
“If friends are all she will ever be with you and you can get over your feelings, ask her what put you in there. I have asked several old “girl” friends of mine and I was surprised by their answer. One even said it was my fidgety legs.”
Interesting. Please do share more of the major details.
My point was, it would be better if David implemented a step by step guide, instead of saying,”just be a cool guy”….okayyyyyy, that doesn’t help us one bit. This blog is terrible.
Here is another good topic: if you can’t get out of the friend
zone then at least try to get into the “friends with benefits” zone. lol
that could be a more realistic goal perhaps with potentially less effort.
It would represent a happy medium between being her friend and being her boyfriend.
I am sure that whoever figures this out will become the world’s first trillionaire. Lol
… Because it seems like their is a step missing between being the friend and being the boyfriend and that is the
sex. So being cool in a sexual kind of way could be the emphasis.
Could this work? I sure as heck hope so! But I am not Wygant. I am just a Fan.
WWDWD?
LOL Howe, I actually had a few buddies and clients who confessed later to me that on some dates… or when they go meet women… before they talk to the girls, they sometimes ask themselves: Hmmm what would Khiem do?
It always cracks me up
I think a lot of you guys miss an important point….
You want to be the cool, fun guy that women want but just happen to be friends. It leaves you open to other options down the road… but you still have to act as “the potential b/f” from the beginning.
And that means… when you meet a girl, be nice to her… but don’t hide your intent. If you like her, she should be able to tell in how you interact with her, in how you flirt with her… etc.
The nice guy in the friend’s zone never really showed the girl he’s friends with that he thinks of her in more than friends way… and that’s where the problem really lies.
Stop hiding your intentions… be more true to yourself… and things will fall into place.
For John, you get out of the friend zone by either:
1. doing something drastic to change her original perception of you as just the friend (that could include… not hanging out with her until 6 months down the line so that when you come back, she can see you in a new light… or it could mean that changing the nature of your relationship by how you interact with her right now. Do you flirt with her? Do you look at her sensually… etc?
2. letting her see slowly that you like her for her sexual side too. It’s about learning to turn her on.
In either case, you have to be willing to lose her as a friend if you want to succeed at this. If you aren’t honest with yourself enough to go after the type of relationship you want with her… then you aren’t ready for it.
James-Y it’s more than enough.I think this problem comes from my past.When I ‘discovered’ girls I was always the guy who didn’t get the girl,that good friend but nothing more.
But since I realizez that I can do more, when I actually do it I think I freak-out sometimes if they actually respond to me.I was used to them not talking and maybe that’s the problem.When I finish a conversation only afterward I think…wow wtf I atually talked to her and she was flirting.You get what I mean?
And sometimes I’m so overconfident or I talk to much just because I’m to excited and forget most of David’s advice.Any suggestion to what?
Khiem long time no see…I should do that ‘what would coach Khiem do?” too
) .
Hope to hearing from you guys.Don’t forget I’m still young and I’m seriosly trying here
.
To John:
Actually I believe this is a great blog, mainly for the discussions that it has brought up.
I was always the “nice guy” and throughout my younger days managed to become just friends, with the hottest women around. In my climb out of the friend’s zone I found it helpful to contact some old girlfriends and ask them why they put me there. I was surprised by their answers because they mirrored the limited belief I was clinging to at that current time. How I saw myself, was how the saw me. I know, not a profound statement but for me, it was a well needed slap in the face and it allowed to me change my thinking habits.
For example, being too short. After studying attraction for a few years and hearing them still mention my height as the reason, I realized being short had nothing to do with it at all. Most women don’t truly understand how they feel attraction. I assumed at the time they were afraid of being seen dating a shorter guy. And of course, if they were highly insecure, they would be. And I did not make them feel secure. Which is the real reason they were not attracted to me. My belief that my height was limiting me spilled over in to how I acted around them, insecure, and that is what they felt.
Now as for this step by step guide to being cool. Over the last few months I came up with a connection, or a step by step process of what makes someone cool. Let me know what you think guys.
Confidence->Self Esteem->Indifference->Fearless->Being cool
I am confident enough to know I am good enough for any woman.
My self esteem is high enough to not fall or fail her tests.
My indifference to the world around me or how others see me is obvious in the way I handle myself.
My fearless attitude is clear in areas in which the fear is not real.
Substitute the words women or her, with people, and you have the definition of a cool guy.
hi david
very, very good post, ill be reading more of them when i get the chance
Iv been stuck in said “friend zone” now for about 7 years with many different women, and yet nothing else i do, or think of helps, any advice?
mike, england