Generosity
November 19, 2008 
11 Comments
Do you really understand what generosity is?
In my ten years of coaching men – and living in both Los Angeles and New York – I’ve met a lot of “generous” people. I put that in quotations because these are really people who just thought that they were being generous.
I’ve met a lot of men that have bought women things; they’ve taken them on trips and bought them homes. I always disagreed with what they did, because it was clear to me that they weren’t being generous with their heart – they were being generous with their money so they could get laid.
These guys were basically being generous only because they wanted something in return. They weren’t just giving a woman a new car, buying her dinner, or taking her on vacation with no expectations – purely out of the love that they have for themselves as a person.
They did it because they wanted that woman to want them – to desire them. They were buying love, and they weren’t being authentically generous with their hearts.
Generously giving a gift to somebody means that you expect nothing in return. By doing this, you are essentially communicating with the universe, and by expecting nothing, you’ll get back everything.
Every single time you give somebody money or a gift and you expect nothing back from them, it’s crazy how that money or energy you just gave will appear back in your life almost like magic.
It’s not really magic – it’s just the way that things work!
So when you give somebody something, are you really being generous? Or are you offering something with expectations attached?
Every time you give your lover a gift, are you doing it to get something from them? Or are you doing it only because you love them?
Are you a man that has given gifts to women in the past? Perhaps you’ve bought a woman a car, or paid her rent before. Were you doing it out of the generosity of your heart, or were you doing it because you expected something in return? Like sex, or an emotional connection?
In life, when you are truly generous, you will never expect anything back, and you will end up getting everything you ever wanted.
I want you all to ponder that for a little while.
I’ve seen complete and utter generosity from people, and there is a huge difference. That difference is what makes your life either spectacular or a life that is based on your needs.
Wouldn’t you rather live a life that is based on the power of giving and receiving?
Dear David,
Your dating article:”14 Fatal Online Dating Errors That Single Women Make” leads me to your blog. This article has resonance in my mind. You explore deeper in human nature.
Thank you and I am going to learn more of your wisdom via your blog.
Best,
Sylvia
Would I rather live a life that is based on the power of giving and receiving?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
I have fallen into this trap in the past, buying lavish presents and spending up big. I’m glad I realise now that it doesn’t work. All it does is make the other person value you less, because either consciously or sub-consciously they see you as someone not deserving of their love without all the paid-for-goodies. Also, once the relationship does finally fold you feel pathetic, you think, why was i such a pussy?! Anyway it was a long time ago and glad to say I no longer buy gifts with expectations of something in return. I love buying presents for loved ones, it gives you so much hapiness to make someone you love smile. In my book that is the reward in itself.
David, I’ve personally experienced what your talking about. When I give generously to people my money, my bank account seems to grow mysteriously. When I freely give myself and my heart, I do get back times ten from the universe. I am gonna play devils advocate though. Can any “generous” act be void of want or return. Say you do something genuienly nice for another human being and say you dont want nothing in return, is this possible, dont you at the very core WANT happiness for that person. Can any act be truly selfless? What does everyone think of this? I’m so curious!
Just Adjust It
I see what you are saying. I’m probably pointing out the obvious here but I think what the blog is about is eliminating selfish motives. Whereas wanting hapiness for someone else is an honourable and worthwhile motive. But I think you may be right, there isn’t any action that passes by that doesn’t have some form of motive behind it. Human beings make decisions based on reasons (whether reasonable or not). Of course there may be instances where actions are taken recklessely, whereby no consideration is given to future consequences and thus a motive may be inconsequential. Just my thoughts
You can’t buy love. If your going to shower someone with expensive gifts to win their affections, you’re better off just renting a “professionals” love for a few hours.
I’m kidding….
You raise some interesting points Sam. Reorganizing my thoughts and diving deeper here I interpret the core meaning of this blog is to be able to truly trust yourself wich means trusting your innate instincts. When your reactionary and act based on your instincts towards the world, you are truly being yourself down to the core, then there will be no motive behind the action. So yeah I guess it is possible to be truly generous with no expectation of reward. Though for me and i’m sure a lot of others, will take awhile to reprogram our innerselves to be more trusting of our instincts and to think and analyze less. Tx Sam, for your input.
Why is it that generosity is usually discussed in terms of money or the monetary value of stuff like cars, homes, jewelry, etc,? My siblings and I were raised with the concept of generosity in terms of the spirit. When each of my parents died, it was said of them by many that they were genuinely happy for the successes of others and likewise truly sorry for others’ misfortunes. They weren’t warm and fuzzy people but neither were they jealous or envious – ever – of others.
Seems that real generosity should not involve the expectation of payback in any way – otherwise it’s just a transaction – not a true gift. While it can be about what you give or share or expose of yourself, it’s not always about you (hello – reality check). Sometimes it’s about how you allow others to be when they are around you. Letting someone else feel safe or fearful or smart or foolish without repercussions (like ridicule) – free to be themselves and give voice to that person inside that they never let out.
Can any act be truly selfless? Maybe – maybe not. Check the intent and decide for yourself. You may never know if the intent belongs to another’s act. There are people who are hooked on “doing good” in the world and it can be an addiction that allows them to take the focus off themselves but at its core, they are really doing it for entirely selfish reasons – whatever they are – not really my concern or interest. What kind of karmic stuff are you throwing out into the universe – dating or otherwise?
Wow, I actually don’t know how to respond to this post. Reading this has unexpectedly affected me. I’ll have to seriously ponder this and get back to you.
What path are your thoughts taking?
I believe that what is really missing in people’s lives is joy – and not the sissy, prissy kind. I read this blog because it is touching the same string, albeit in a more earthy and very ‘guy’ kind of way. The message seems to be “put it out there”. If you are not getting the desired results, then change, evolve, experiment – and put something else out there! Seems like this blog provides some pretty good ideas for everyone. Remember what Einstein said about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being a sign of insanity.
Generosity? what a good behaviour for a man but beware.
Why I said that? I had a bad experirence about being generous. I t was one Christmas season that I was invited to a group dinner party of our department. The dinner was held outside the company and only those interested attended this party. It was my lady co-worker, who happened to be close to me because we were the same nationality, initiated the said party. I would say a it was dinner gathering of co workers because there isn’t any sound and dancing or karaoke singing.
The gathering was so boring and it was held inside a Chinese Restaurant. It took us about two to three hours and then Goodbye!
At least three among us brought a Digitalized Camera and one of them was me. Since the night was so boring I used my time taking group pictures during and after the gathering. I think my camera is technically more advanced that was why others requested for the group pictures of the whole attendees.
After the gathering, few of my co-workers gave their email address so that I can send them their pictures.
I compiled all the pictures in a compact disc and gave it to my lady co worker who initiate the party to look at it first before others could see it. What she did was she let somebody to see it first beacuse she has no computer. The next day somebody, alady worker gave me a hug and asked for the copy of the CD. She likes the photos and the soudtract I put on it.
Somebody brought a laptop and they watched the CD in the lunchroom. Everyone was asking for a copy of that CD and for no cost I gave them waht they want.
I have no idea that there were some group of men/ co worker who were influencial I would say, started
a bad joke aginst me. Even our supervisors showed bad feelings against me. I became victim of bad circumstances. The party was not my idea. It was a big nightmare for me and I complained about it. Nobody can expalined about the bad reactions of those person. I transferred to other branch just to avoid those group. I think, political due to unionized. or envy and jelousy are the root cause