An interesting topic that always seems to come across my desk involves guys who have female friends they want to date. I get all versions of this question: “David, How do I go about getting out of the friend zone and getting into the boyfriend zone?”
This topic is always interesting to me, but it is especially interesting right now because I am currently dating a woman with whom I started out being just friends. When I first met her, she was actually dating somebody else.
So how did I go from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone with her? Did I subliminally do some mind tricks on her to convince her that dating me would be a far better experience than the one she was having with her boyfriend? Absolutely not. What I did was I got to know her.
For any of you who have been in the friend zone with a woman and wondered if there was a way out of it, here are four tips to help you get a woman to look at you in a different way:
1. Don’t Sell Yourself: If you meet and become friends with a woman whom has a boyfriend, don’t sell yourself to her her at all. Get to know her over a period of time. If a woman is attracted to you as a person, she could become attracted to you a significant other. It all depends on at what place she is in her life. We all know that many relationships tend to “go south” and end. The problem is that a lot of men will meet a woman who is in a relationship and decide not to befriend her at all. Now I’m not suggesting that you become the shoulder she comes to cry on when things are going wrong with her boyfriend. What I am suggesting is that you can get to know her as a person, because you never know where life may lead you down the road. So don’t be a salesman, and don’t berate her boyfriend. Get to know her. Be yourself. Have a good time with her, and see if natural chemistry develops between you. When you are genuine and take the time to get to know her as a person, she actually might start to look at you in a different light and end her relationship.
2. Don’t Be Afraid To Express Yourself: If you’ve already been friends for a long time with the female whom you’d like to date and she’s never thought about you in a romantic way, then you need to understand that there’s a good chance she’ll never think of your romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they played it too safe when they first met that woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of really expressing to her any indication of their romantic interest in her, that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they will ask her to hang out in a group. So instead of really talking to her and clearly asking her out on a date, guys will nervously ask a woman out on a “non-date” kind of date. The reason why it is almost a foregone conclusion that you will end up in the friend zone in this situation, is because you have never asked her out on a real date. You ask her out – to barbeques, to happy hours or to parties – but it’s always to join a group of other people. If you’re interested in somebody, you need to ask her out so it’s clear to her that you are asking her out on a date.
3. Be Patient: Four of my best relationships have been with women with whom I was friends before I became romantically involved with them. To do this, you must be patient. So many guys will not even befriend a woman if she has a boyfriend at the time they meet her. They won’t take the time to befriend her because they are only interested in immediate gratification, i.e., if they can’t get involved with her romantically right now they don’t want to have any involvement with her at all. You have to stop thinking about immediate gratification all of the time. Not every woman you meet today is going to want to go out with you tonight. I tell guys to think of befriending women they meet like building a portfolio of interesting people with whom they can get together in the future. You need to treat women you meet like long-term investments. Just enjoy getting to know them as a person right now, because you never know what may happen. Chemistry just might spark between the two of you.
4. Don’t Wait And Take Action: Don’t ever ask a woman’s friends to tell you about what she is thinking, and in particular do not ask them what she thinks about you. If you are interested in a female friend and would like to get out of the friend zone with her, then you need to ask her out on a date. Take the risk. She might actually feel the same way about you as you do about her. She may have been developing a crush on you too. So what you need to do is take the risk, because the friendship can survive something like you asking her out on a date. You, however, don’t want to have to live with the self-torture of never knowing if you could have become romantically involved with her. Don’t wait to take action, thinking that will say something to you if she is interested. Even if she is interested, she might never say anything first. So don’t ever wait. If you’ve got a crush on a female friend of yours, you need to call her and say “You know what? I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone.” Make it clear to her that you want to go out on a date with her. It doesn’t matter if she says yes or if she says no. It just matters that you take the chance. You will define the relationship one way or another, and then you can move forward.
Dating takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of perseverance. The best things in life, in fact, tend to pay off when you have patience and perseverance. No one is ever completely successful the first time they do something.
So start being willing to take your time. Take time to look at all the women you’ve met in your life, and think about whether any of them stick out as being someone you’d like to get to know again. Perhaps she’s someone with whom you became friends when you first met. Send her a text or call her on the phone. Who knows? She might be more receptive to you the second time time around
David,
I think you forgot #5 to your list of tips to getting out of the friend’s zone.
“5. Dirty talk her to death”
You’ll turn her on so much she’ll wonder why she’s sleeping with her boyfriend and not you LOL
Love you and David both Kheim.
David you outdid yourself this time.
What I don’t care about is:
This man and woman has been on a date and they may have been seeing each other for a few times. Then the guy wants her to make love to him and she agrees after he has done promised her to love her for eternity. Then they do the wild thing and she and him are talking and she tells him you know I really like you and want to take the relationship further. That was what the email was about. Is why a guy will act distant and withdrawn when a woman that cares about will tell him in the beginning.
Now my answer:
When two people are together they may have things in common. When a man is not thinking long term and the woman is. Then possibility she is expecting too much from the man. This is a big no-no in the beginning of the dating scene. I agree with you David it is best to get to know each other before jumping into something that a person is not sure of. A woman needs to ask herself is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? To be sure that there is no negativity coming in on her behalf. Am I willing to do the things for him as a wife? I read something one time that said and I agree a person will need to take the time to get to know themselves before allowing someone else into their lives.
And David I have I took time out last year and done this. I have found the real woman within and I am loving every minute of it.
Read and Weep
Sandra,
After reading many of your comments, I think you put too much emphasis on the “forever”.
You always assume the woman is the one who wants the long term relationship when the man may want that just as much or more than the woman.
What bugs me is that you make all your decisions or assumptions on the idea that whoever you date has to be for the long term.
“Forever” is created one day at a time.
You wrote yourself: “is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” By just asking that question, you are creating an ultimatum in your mind. Ultimatums don’t work for a reason. You are too focused on the end, instead of focused on the present.
Instead, focus on the good things you have right now with that person and hope for the future.
A better question would be: “do I like this person, as is, right now?” If so, keep going.
Another good question would be: “do I see myself liking this person a few years down the road?” If you do, great! but nothing guarantees that you will still feel the same down the line.
As such, when you meet someone, take it one step at a time. Enjoy the process, enjoy the moment, enjoy the feeling. Don’t put so much expectations on yourself or on the other person. Change is part of life. If you put so much expectations on everything, you are bound to be disappointed.
Instead, take each day with that person as a gift, as a blessing and you may be surprised at how “forever” it will turn out.
Finally, I had to make a comment on your take on sex. Sex is not a gift a woman gives to a man. Sex is the natural progression of good connection… however superficial or deep the connection is.
Kheim
I do agree with you on that. Taking one day one step at a time is the best. Rest is in a email to you.
Khiem, two words…right on!
Oh Kheim
Did you know that giving a man an ultimatium is a sure way to get rid of him. I was not doing that I was mainly asking a question why do men go from loving and then all of a sudden he is distant and withdrawn from the woman. Damn I will put it here:
I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend
that I have feelings for him – more than a
friendship. We have been intimate with each other
about 3 times. Everything was fine until I
mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him
for a relationship…but he took it that way. I
have since then been pouring my heart out to him
and pretty much looking insane.
Is there any way to save it? I know he has
feelings for me.
Please help…and tell me how to reverse the
damage I have done.
This is from an email that I was reading so don’t thank it is from me.
Oh I happen to be reading someone else’s newsletters so don’t take it personal
Now Read it and Weep
Oh Kheim
If a woman were to email you a question would you tell her the same thing you told me what I just pasted here. And all she can hear is Susan say Right On!
Kheim
Is that kind of counseling advice you give women who just want to know is why a man will be lovey dovey and all of a sudden she has to try to get his attention and all he can do is watch television why she stands there looking all sleek and then he turns distant and withdrawn.
Susan
I have one for you have you ever tested the waters before or are you scared of what may take place. Did you know that I have put things that I have learned from two different individuals and you know something it really works and the things I come up with I have learned from a different source. You see it does not bother me one bit. Did you know I have someone in my life where’s yours.
I think there should be a 2 or 3 post honor system for those of us who can say what is on our minds in one post.
Seriously Sandra, I don’t know you, or your situation but your multiple posts are rambling and distracting to me and the reasons why I visit this site. I know you don’t have to stop on my account, and these types of non-topic related conversations, while interesting to you and possibly the people you are directing them at, they are not interesting to others. At least not when you continously add to what you try and say in the first post or two.
I know people don’t like critique, but I am starting to hesitate reading the blog comments anymore because of the Sandra Hutchens posting pollution I find there. David began this site to encourage guys like me (and I’m sure girls like you) that we don’t have to give up on ourselves because it is never to let to change how you think. I have known David off and on for the past ten months and he has been a source of inspiration for me, but his blog comment section, which I am actively trying to be a participant in is becomming a turn off for the reasons I stated above.
Just airing my concerns before I get to my real comment.
David, I am guilty of the friend zone attitude and I have mastered it. I like your simple approach to making it past this attitude and I am going to implement the advice at my next opportunity. And to put it in perspective, I was in Borders the other day with a friend and we were having a good time and emoting good energy and like you teach, we wound up drawing others into our circle of excitement and I exchanged numbers with a woman in the bookstore. She invited me to her writer’s group and I am going to take her up on it rather than run and hide like I normally would. I actually prefer being a friend first but I do want to know that I am confident enough to move past the friendship zone. The last person I “fell” for, felt the same way. She had some difficult situations in the past and she told me at one time that all of her boyfriends were her friends first. I passed all of her friends tests and then when I thought it was time to move out of the friends zone I sabotaged all that I had carefully built up with hanging out with her. It’s a little longer story than that, but I see now that I was too negative about how I approached the dating aspect of our connection and she picked up on the fear and didn’t feel comfortable with us dating. Of course, I was a little too honest with her and that might have hurt, but that is really the advice I am trying to get out of you and possibly Khiem.
Without airing all my secrets on the blog, how do I tell someone about my experience without completely freaking them out at the same time. I am a very confident strong person in work and in my leisure time, but when it comes to dating I am a wreck (hence one ofthe reasons I found David). I know a lot of it is internalized, but I am afraid of the rejection based on my previous experience with relationships and that the people I date and meet won’t understand.
Any ideas?
Mike
David
I want to let you know something and I do know that you read your blogs. If I am talking to another woman and she is having relationship problems sometimes I will bring up hey you know that I am blogging or emailing this guy about relationships and we will discuss them. You are one hell of a guy and I would recommend you to anyone that needs relationship help. Keep up the good work and no matter what others may say. What I have learned from you has helped me to focus on a man’s body language and what it maybe telling me in return I will test the waters to see what will take place but once I see that he is going to be distant and withdrawn from it I change my attitude. It does work.
David
Your Are The Best
Question: How do you make your intentions clear to the girl that you’re asking her out?
Like I’ve said things such as “You know what… I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone.” But the girl was so comfortable with me that she just agreed without considering it anything special. Then when I tried to make a move, my real intentions suddenly hit her and she was caught off guard.
So how do I act initially in order to prevent such murkiness in the future? Or is it better to do what I did and plow through the awkwardness anyways.
M
You have some valid points here.
I want people to feel free to post but i also want people to try to stay on topic and share there thoughts.
I set the blog up so everyone can participate and be free and open.
I ask one thing of everyone.
Please respect each other and if you feel the need to call someone out by all means go for it!!!
I also ask when you are all posting lets try to stay on topic.
I post the blogs so we can open up the topic of the day.
IT really helps when we go deeper into todays topic.
Thanks
Sandra,
The counseling advice David and I give is very specific to the situation the client is experiencing. There’s no one size fits all type of advice. For a good answer, we need details on the situation.
As far as the newsletter topic goes, it has nothing to do with the blog David wrote about so I won’t comment but know that no matter what the issue is, all relationship problems stem from a miscommunication, a misperception of what is really happening from one or both parties involved. As such, gather information, confront each other if needs be, or learn to communicate as authentically as you can to avoid these problems and things will sort themselves out.
Mike,
You tell people of your previous experiences by owning it. Don’t say it out of fear. Say it out of sharing the things you’ve learned or the things you feel.
I’m sure the women you’ve met have felt similar emotions before. So they can relate to you.
However, there’s a time and place to do so.
And as far as your fear of rejection goes, get over it. I know it sounds harsh but… in the end, you are a great guy. Do you really believe that?
Most people (and marketers included) try to tell you you aren’t good enough for x, for y or for z, when deep inside, all you have to realize is… YOU are GOOD ENOUGH.
So embrace yourself… and don’t be afraid to open up and express yourself powerfully.
Taras,
Are you flirting? Are you showing sexual interest in her?
If you aren’t asking the girl out specifically on a date (since that’s how most young people do it now), you have to show sexual interest in the way you are flirting with her, in the way you look at her, in the way you talk to her, in the way you touch her.
If she got freaked out… it’s because you never set the tone for romantic interest.
David
When you said that M had some good points there what did you mean?
Kheim and David
I do agree with both of you. Oh Kheim back in the past I may have had those problems but today I live my truths. I am not like that anymore. Oh to add to this blog:
What I have done is allow myself time to get to know this one individual. And today him and I are close friends he did not sell himself to me he was gentlemen. I allowed him the time and space to get to know me in all things and vica versa.
I just wrote a great post continuing my conversation with Khiem and it crashed on me. Grr.
I’ll wait until tomorrow and hope it relates to what I am saying.
Sandra,
Without being inside David’s mind, he means that I have a right to be annoyed about your use of this comment space, but you also have every right to express yourself how you see fit. He was acknowledging that he heard me, but wants me to know that you are free to continue what you are doing if that is how you want to use his blog space.
This is why we need a message board.
M
email me at angelmouse@bellsoth.net ok off the blog I don’t mind. That is what I do with David and Kheim if you notice in one of the blogs I said to Kheim email the rest that is where they hear me not on David’s blog ok.
Sandra,
I am not emailing you. Based on your posts, I don’t want the hassle. It’s okay. I’ll move on and talk to David in person or through his email if I want to comment on his blog.
The floor is all yours, since you need the attention more than I do.
In a perfect world we would discuss each days topics in greater depth till we exhaust the subject!!!
But since we do not live in a perfect world and if we did i would not be typing right now.
I would be traveling the world without a care in my mind:)
So back to reality!!!
M
I did that to respect David’s blog actually between work and taking care of my family I don’t really have that much time to blog. But no offense taken.
David
In la la land is where we stay and I guess that is a perfect place to be when you are with the right person hey. Now back to your blog
I love a good blog fight. It makes it very interesting reads
Reynolds
lmao
Hey All
Happy fucking New Year!!!!
You know i love to see people get into each others minds.
I like this posting today.
Sandra Dear how do you feel about todays blog?
M how do you really feel about Sandra.
I feel that Sandra is trying to teach us something and that is not why we are here.
We are all about learning about dating from the master himself and add to the comments of the day.
good one Khiem:)
this blog hits the spot. (no pun intended)
Those are some key elements to succeed not just dating but also in other areas of life.
Rey:
if you like a good blog fight, and to spice it up, I like to talk to “horny Lisa”
btw…where in the world is “Horny Lisa”?
Sandra,
As much as I like to see new comments on the blog, the comments section is not the place for you to recount every realizations or every adventures you’ve had in your life or for you to explain yourself to every person.
It’s good to share what we feel and what we think about… but I feel that a lot of your comments try to challenge the very things David or I say. Are you trying to give out your own advice here?
When you write: “Did you know that giving a man an ultimatium is a sure way to get rid of him?”, how am I supposed to read your comment? Are you trying to question or challenge me?
For someone who’s busy with work and kids, you write in the comments more than anyone I’ve seen through here.
As someone said before, we like people to write. We like people to share their own stories but we all appreciate it if you could consolidate your comments. Instead of writing a stream of them, share with us what’s most important to you within 3-5 of them.
M,
Please don’t feel hesitant in posting in here as well. I like to see a variety of opinions in the comments section. Let’s all play along
Hi And Howdieee Dr. Bob Remember Minnie Pearl Who knows maybe you have been to the Music City USA!!
I spend time with these hillbilly Tennesseeans until I dream of California. Hey that may not be a bad idea for I know if I live there my daughter will not grow up. Today’s blog is like all David’s blogs I Love Them especially one of his podcasts that reminded of a time and what I did to this certain person I care about.
Maybe one day David would like to come to Nashville Tennessee and have a boot camp with the women folk here and enjoy our city along with u Dr. Bob and
HAPPY FUCKING YEAR TO YOU ALSO
kheim
I believe Dr. Bob put me straight hey I would like to meet that guy and I think David and I have made up and also M and I made up. So your tooooooo laaattteeee!
It seems Dr Bob always has a way with words!!!
Yakub
Always great to hear your thoughts on this.
Sandra
Bob is a very wiseman and i love Nashville!!
Rey
You are wise beyond your years and get your ass back in the office!
Kheim
What did u say about the past. Practice what you preach and another thing if u and the rest of them would not have called me out then maybe David would not have so many blogs by me on this post and another thing I do have a right to defend myself either it be on the blog or in real life.
Sandra
I like when people express there thoughts. Free will is what the blog is all about! But i always spend a lot of time picking the days subject and i really enjoy when people debate the topic of the day.
This way when i write a follow up down the road i have more information and can go even deeper into the topic.
Wait, wait, everyone here is either a Coach or a Dr? I feel worthless…
Interesting blog, as I had many times viewed things from a macho-culture upbringing, so in the past, I would have considered these boyfriend anhiliation techniques as sneeky/ball-ess. But granted, I have a very poor history of converting female friends to GF’s, since once rejected, I have not been able to take it to a LJBF level. So perhaps, I could join the Dark Side…
Ok guys this is the last post of the evening ok: Forgive me David but I have to get this out.
Hear me out:
Kheim I hear from you forget about the past and go on with life
David said we can post here as many times as we like.
If you want to set an example of what u preach then when you talk the talk can u walk the walk. I don’t care about what happened 10 minutes ago that is history now everytime I try to do something on my computer am I going to have to stop and answer what the hell you all complaints about me no. I can ignore you like I do the rest of my email anytime any of you call me out I feel like you are challenging me so in turn I will defend myself.
No be the example like David if you are going to coach someone be the example you are preaching fyi only person I will follow the example in this life is God Almighty for he will not forsaken me. Done deal get over it. All has been said and done. Leave me alone for the rest of the evening and don’t call me anymore.
J Dude
My girlfriend now was once a friend of mine.
Its about going in with no expectations and not playing someone so you get them.
And J
I never ever get rejected….its all mindset and using that word gives your power away.
Dr. Bob …. Oh, how I’ve missed you!
It’s great to see you back:)
This has been a very interesting string of posts today…lots of action back here. Just tells ya what you might be missing if you’re not checking in here regularly:)
Sandra,
Forgive me if you thought I was criticizing you. I am definitely not telling you to NOT write, I’m just encouraging you to consolidate.
I am not bringing up anything from the past at all. I’m making an observation so please don’t take this so personally.
Best,
~Khiem.
David,
I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for those 2 little responses… they made a lot of sense to me.
J
Glad i could be of help to you!!
happy new year to you.
Kristen
Glad to hear from you.
I hear that you hear things sometimes and have a really keen 6th sense,
Thats the word on the street here in Bob land
DW,
Happy New Year to you too! And to your friends Khiem and Yakub.
good one J-dude, ur right everyone is either coach or dr.
its a new year you could be anything you want.
who would you want to be beside gynecologist?
Happy New Year to you too J-DUDE!!
Dr Bob,
Could you call me Dr too? What about… Dr J?
Good to hear about your Transformer story… friend to GF.
OK Yakub, just before I go the Gym… do you realize you look like Tiger Woods?
Who do I want to be? Angelina Joulie’s nanny!
me…….Tiger Woods:)
Dan peeking inside…..Is Sandra done today??
Holly cow!!
I made several mistakes like this and never asked a girl out. This blog really talked about my past life.
1) Don’t sell yourself. I agree with you in this. Alot of men and even myself made the same mistake. People beleive that if you give a girl a little comfort, then she will be attracted to you. She will think of you as a man whose always available for her when she needs it. Folks no matter how much you like a woman, you need to give a little space and get respected. Based on my experience, if you show a person that you are available whenever he/she needs you, then they think of you as an idiot. I recently had this experience. I thought, I was in love with her and instead spending time getting to know her. I said I love you. I emailed david and explained the whole situation. Now I have no regrets and finally understood the concept. Secondly, you need to spend a while with someone whom you are attracted to and wanna get to know them. Who are they, what they are all about. No matter how hot that woman is if you don’t have a good chemistry then you are waisting your own time.
2) Be patient. Folks, if she is dating with someone else then obviously you just have to be friends with them, there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept the reality. You can create connections both mentally and emotionally, but as long as you are in control and don’t act like a cocky all the time.
3) Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Act normal, ok. If you like her, just tell her or ask her out. What is she going to say, NO? Thats it. Who cares, move on. There are tons of girls are waiting for you.
As far as Dirty talk goes, I wanna try this some day.
Arite, enjoy the rest of the week!!!
All I can say is I miss horny Lisa so much….and instead we got Sandra:-)
I got in the friend zone so much in my young days I felt like I was the only franchisee out there of this “businesss”….But patience was never my virtue…but working on it.
Dr. Bob,
I will ignore your sarcasm because I love you… but ironically your ear to the ground is quite astute… I DO hear things and, to use your Peter Brady speak, my 6th sense is very keen!
Hope you won’t be such a stranger on here!
I am so happy. I now look like david.
Thanks D. always pleasure to be here, and spread the Gospel!
Yakub
I was thinking the same thing what ever happened to horny lisa.
how do you guys put the picture next to your name?
J
You think Yakub looks like Tiger Woods that is really funny!!!
I think Horny Lisa now found the love of her life, she will be missed, i miss naughty talking to her:)
I don’t know…I bet Horny Lisa might make an appearance. One never knows — maybe she can sense (with HER 6th sense) that all you fellas are pining to hear from her:)
ya Kristen either her 6th sense or the next Full Moon, when is the next full moon?
For Horny Lisa, I would imagine EVERY night is a full moon
And BTW Yakub, now that someone mentions it and I thought about it I have to agree… You DO look like Tiger Woods:) That is funny:)
If she is dating someone else you could go ahead and ask how serious it is. Not everyone dates just one person at a time….
Sandra, no offense but half the time I don’t even understand what you are trying to say because it is completely off subject. I have asked a question or two here before as well, but you seem to hijack the blog quite often. Not cool.
Now I’m guilty of multiple posts…..
Ya Kristen, ur right every night should be Full moon for her:)
thats too funny eveveryone is saying that:)
anyhow, i am out to the gym….fun chatting with everyone tonight!
we need to do that more often.
“…if you show a person that you are available whenever he/she needs you, then they think of you as an idiot.”
Is it a big turn-off and what is the ‘correct attitude’ to attract them?
Well my point is that you have to show your importance as well. People just use you in the 21st century. This happend to me few times. I thought this strategy to be useful to attract women that if I am available for her then she will be attracted to me and think of me that I care about her. I finally learned my lesson when my friend told me that this women actually think of you as an idiot. She doesn’t like you. She is using you.
For example: Lets say you have plans for tomorrow night with friends. Next morning (girl that you are dating right now) calls you and ask to meet you the same night. My point is that you should not cancel your appointments to meet her. You shouldn’t let her take control of you.
get it
After all of today’s verbal diarrhea, did we lose the thought of the day?
Sounds like the real message was “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
Thanks for the reminder.
Hey, now this blog took ages to read (I enjoy reading the comments). just wantedto say that I really enjoyed this blog thought it was interesting and incredibly relavent to my friends situation I’ll be passing on the advice. So on behalf of my friend thank you in advance David!
Oh wow all the comments today! It has taken me at least 30 minutes but I have to admit it has been fun to read! Khiem – I agreed with your advice to Sandra in the 2nd post. I thought it was a great way to touch on that “forever” topic that does float in our minds, I must admit. You are right though, things change. Most of the guys I know right now are in my friend zone just because I am not ready for anything more than that. I do feel like I am missing out on really living life to the fullest but don’t feel ready to go beyond hanging out. I guess I don’t feel like I trust myself right now to make good choices in the dating arena and would let my wanderlust guide me instead of my head. Or maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know. Maybe I should just let go and try to date and see where that leads. Maybe I have been holding on to the past too much. Hmmm…. should I really take advantage of the time right now in the present or wait until I feel I am truly ready? Is there ever a “truly ready” time?
Sandra, Khiem has given you some really good advice for you.
Dr. Bob — your comment was great! Right on time!
Wow .. after reading all that I forgot what I wanted to share haha . Ill just post this anyways so that I can add to this record holding blog.
this long debate is interesting!
but honestly, i think getting out of the friend zone is a waste of time!
if you can invest all that energy into converting a friend into a girlfriend,
why not just put in the time and find a real girlfriend and keep the friend that you have : )
i used to want to get out of the friend zone, but as i spend more time with David,
i realize the whole “surprise i have a dick!” thing is not really that fun !
Rey: You cannot use David’s icon as your own icon, only David can use his picture as his icon.
Speaking of fights, when are you joining us for the next UFC fight?
Khiem: I agree with most of everything you typed in your comments. Those are all valid points about being focused in the present. Good advice. Thanks.
oh Daniel, i post on David’s computer so there’s a little confusion :p
and i’m up for the next UFC fight, and i’m still pissed that silva got knocked out on his last fight!!!!!
“As much as I like to see new comments on the blog, the comments section is not the place for you to recount every realizations or every adventures you’ve had in your life or for you to explain yourself to every person.” Kheim— this made me chuckle!!!! WOW. You are a genius.
Yeah, Sandra. It’s hard for me to understand you especially with your typing style. Oh well. I know you love David so much with every fibre in your being.
P.S.
I talked about how I religiously read David Wygant’s blogs in Mass Media and Society class
Khiem – I’m with Britta on all counts. Maybe if more people hung out with you guys, we’d all be better off for it. Thanks.
And by the way, Rey – Silva just wasn’t looking as strong as in the past so he couldn’t win this last one – sorry! As a big UFC fan, trust me on this.
This was a good blog, which I had to revisit. I think the main theme is to stay friends w someone you are attracted to, not act like a hurt puppy, not stop living your life and see what the future brings w your friend or a different girl. I think the mistake would be to make frinds with “that” girl and then sit on your butt, not pursuing any other women.
And about UFC… Wanderlei Silva is showing bad defense, not ducking his chin while fighting at all, throwing punches in wild loops, while Rampage has learned over the years to strike and guard as a boxer. I did want Silva to win though.
This blog is almost scarey (not referring to Sandra here), it just keeps getting better and better. In the past 2 weeks I’ve been in my own movie with a wonderful man. We worked together 3 years ago, and he was married and me divorced. We talked as friends most every day at work, and then he would leave and I would ask my friend, “why are all the good guys married?”
Fast forward 3 years, and I pay for 1 month on Personals for the last time, with no expectations of finding Mr. Right. Then I get an e-mail from the work guy, and it has been awesome ever since! He is now divorced and available. We’ve been totally taken with each other, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We have so much in common; it is all so easy, I just feel like I’m in a dream and I don’t want to wake up.
So… David, I am living a romantic movie and it is fantastic!
And… Dantheoriginal, yes, I’m on dopamine, at least for the first 3 months, but who cares.
It’s one day at a time, and I am still in wonderment that someone I had a “work crush” on, and could only be my friend has found me and things are going so unbelievably well. I hope everyone can find this in their life one day. I never thought it would happen to me, and just as I was giving up, here he is! Life is very good. I cannot emphasize enough how important it was for me to finally accept myself and just BE myself. It has been good preparation for being ready when the “right one” comes along. I’ve come into this relationship confident and happy, and I think that is the best way to start a new relationship. We are both wearing the biggest smiles all day long, who would have thought?!
Ok, enough about me… back to you Sandra.
Sorry I didn’t have the time to do any stats on your blogging today, just not enough time. Stay positive Sandra, being an observer of life can be very rewarding and educational.
Wow, 87 posts since yesterday. Now, for all of us who value and appreciate all the generous and poignant advice that David gives out for free, lets honor that by trying to get his comment space up to par on a daily basis. As long as it retains the value of the post. I’ll be doing my part. He gives us these gifts everyday and we need to honor that by expressing ourselves, especially here on his blog where we get to here his unqiue and powerful voice every day for free.
“hear” how sloppy of me.
I’m probably coming in at the tail end of this (and everyone’s stopped reading…) but what if you are the girl (as in me), you have a boyfriend but you are friends with someone and you *would* like it to become something more. I basically like/love my boyfriend but I adore spending time with this other guy. I actually don’t know what’s going on with him right now but we had been in really close contact.
But then my other dilemma as far as sex goes, I have been with my bf for six years and really didn’t date a lot before that, and I’m sort of scared at the idea of having sex with someone who actually has already told me that sex is really a big part of his life. I almost feel too ‘friendly’ to this guy and as much as I’m attracted to him, I’m also really fearful.
Lastly, I’ve gone on female sites and everyone jumps up and down and gets annoyed that i have a boyfriend and am flirting with another guy, but actually, my boyfriend is not necessarily opposed to this. I have also floated the idea with my boyfriend of taking a break. Alright! if anyone’s left, I’d be curious for your input.
And yes these topics that come up here always (well since I started reading a couple months ago) seem to be relevant and spot on and beautifully written and expressed (as in believing in yourself and appreciating life and all we have to offer!).
This was a great blog this is what we love when people really get into this and let it all hang out.
Rey
I cant agree more.
Some really juicy stuff here!!
I need to really think more about what the last person said here.
That is some really stromg stuff.
Flor
That was a great post.
I have to run out but will look into what you said in a bit
Thank you, David, and Vick… (I wrote that just very off the cuff so hopefully it conveys the ‘gist’ without going into too much detail.)
And of course just when I realized the whole scope of my issues, the guy may have met someone else or gotten back with an old girlfriend. But like you said, sometimes these things take awhile to come together – or maybe they don’t. (I -am- beating myself up a bit for my hesitation I must admit, although he hesitated too … but I’ve been so confused on what to do.) So maybe it’ll be him, maybe it’ll be someone else, maybe I’ll stay with my bf … I’d still be curious for your feedback on my initial post. Thanks.
Wow! This blog had to have set a record for most posts! If anyone is keeping score, my post is number 99. Now thats a great discussion
Joe
Actually last year we had a sex blog that i think hit 199 so we are a bit off.
Do you want to break the record at the start of the year.
We will have all that pressure to try to top this:)
flor, speaking from a little more mature view point; I think you are kidding yourself. If you feel this way about your new old friend, you do not belong in a committed relationship with the current bf. It’s really just that simple. I don’t think you gave your age anywhere, but I suspect you are relatively young (no older than 30) In any case; you are obviously very young emotionally. So let me give you this advice. End the committed relationship, whether or not you get together with the new old friend. That doesn’t mean end contact with the bf. He should probably still be allowed to remain in the competition for your heart, but your current state of mind is trying to tell you that the bf is not truly the one. Don’t ever make the mistake of “settling”. I promise you that you will regret that for the rest of your life and you’ll never be truly happy. As they say, “Life is short.” And whoever said that really knew what the hell he was talking about (or she). Don’t be afraid to follow your heart, it is the best “happiness potential meter” you will ever have. It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole lot better than number two, which, of course, is your brain, specifically, your intellect. Don’t let people tell you that you are not using your head; that love is blind. Well, of course, you’re not using your head. (Didn’t I just say something like that?) For God’s sake, LOVE is all about emotion; the strongest emotion you should ever feel; when it arrives, it should be screaming at you! And if you are wrong, if I am wrong, and the new old friend is ultimately a mistake, trust me, in time your heart will tell you that, too. Naturally, there is no guaranty, there never is. People and circumstances can change. But, in my humble and mature opinion, this is still the best way to go. By the way, flor, I am 62 years old.
)) I wish you the best.
lol, 199! So someone is keeping track. Yeah thats going to be tough to beat, but i’m sure all these people are up for the challenge
Kheim
Have you ever heard of the expression when you stir up shit it only stinks worse so I backed out of the fight and since I don’t feel like I have to fight for space here. You are forgiven see it is sometimes hard to be a child of God. But you have been forgiven. Let us blog
Dr. Bob
Come see me sometime ok u remind of someone that I hear on the radio each morning on Bob and Billy show on 105.9 here in Nashville you like speaking ur mind don’t u.
I didn’t know that children of God would use four letter profane words so frequently.
>>>>>>>>>>>>I didn’t know that children of God would use four letter profane words so frequently.
lol
When I read flor’s comment my first thought was:
She is 3some material:-)
Flor, welcome and so nice to have you around here
Dan
Let u in on a secret I am not responsible for the paths you chose to take in life nor the decisions u made. For when it comes to Lord Jesus we stand as one answering for our own sins. So that is on me what is on Kheim and the rest of you is on whoever. So let me add that is between me and God.
Do u know what a spiritualist/protestant is: A spiritualist speaks and mediates 365 days a year to Lord Jesus and discusses with him how to improve their own lives. So be more concerned about ur own soul and salvation and less about others.
Dan, really? I’m very normal (if that even exists). Do I seem extreme? I was on topic (for the most part) at least.
Maybe it’s too complex for a blog posting.
Sandra
You are back i thought you were leaving us?
Dan
Do you have 3 some on your mind this year?
Gary
Great post by the way enjoyed reading it!!!!
Dr Bob
You are always my favorite when are we going fishing?
p.s. Dan, thanks for the welcome. I’ve learned a lot from reading the posts, and also the comments, in my time checking out this blog. In most other places, I think women are getting backwards information (it’s rarely about empowerment it seems to me … or feeling good about yourself but instead relies on rigid stereotypes) based on a very informal survey of women’s magazines (which I think haven’t altered their view and almost have gone backwards) and one popular female dating site I checked out. There are probably blogs now that are out of the mainstream that address this for women but, other than this one, I don’t know about them. So thanks David!
David
Do you think u could be that lucky pet ol’ Dephne for me. I had to take a short breather from it all. I am back he he!
David and Bob
Do you have fishing on the mind oh David I do remember why you are by the ocean the fresh smell of fish doesn’t it remind of you of a woman. Leave some of those fish in that sea for me and take a lot sea sick pills it will help along the way.
Hi Gary, I just saw this(I scrolled down far amidst so many posts…). Thank you for your response. I actually am older than you think but maybe young emotionally – maybe ? – I don’t know. Partly, the thing is because of my lack of experiences in a sense, I keep thinking well maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel? But again I know what you’re saying is true about emotion, etc. I think maybe I haven’t given my ‘all’ to my current relationship and it would/could be different if I did but I should want to do that more, I think. We’re such good friends – my bf and I – and I don’t want to hurt him, or myself. When I floated the idea of taking a break, he wasn’t really open to that and thought that would basically be the end. Which maybe it would be. Also, so many of my friends have moved out of town or we’re not close anymore, he’s such an important part of my life. I can hear answers to what I’m saying as I write this
… I do hear what I’ve saying. I’ve had sort of lot of losses in my life, in a way — good things too amidst that of course!! — it’s hard for me to initiate which maybe is why I was trying to segue. I recognized I should figure out my current relationship first. But – and maybe this competitiveness or jealousy – when I think of my bf with someone else, other than me, I feel threatened. it’s all so complex. and yet maybe simple. I agree with your suggestion that I need to end my relationship. I feel untethered contemplating that because I have so much ‘up in the air’ and to figure out in my life. I will ruminate more on what you wrote and I do greatly appreciate it and think you are ’spot on.’ I wish you the best too.
From Gary:
flor, speaking from a little more mature view point; I think you are kidding yourself. If you feel this way about your new old friend, you do not belong in a committed relationship with the current bf. It’s really just that simple. I don’t think you gave your age anywhere, but I suspect you are relatively young (no older than 30) In any case; you are obviously very young emotionally. So let me give you this advice. End the committed relationship, whether or not you get together with the new old friend. That doesn’t mean end contact with the bf. He should probably still be allowed to remain in the competition for your heart, but your current state of mind is trying to tell you that the bf is not truly the one. Don’t ever make the mistake of “settling”. I promise you that you will regret that for the rest of your life and you’ll never be truly happy. As they say, “Life is short.” And whoever said that really knew what the hell he was talking about (or she). Don’t be afraid to follow your heart, it is the best “happiness potential meter” you will ever have. It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole lot better than number two, which, of course, is your brain, specifically, your intellect. Don’t let people tell you that you are not using your head; that love is blind. Well, of course, you’re not using your head. (Didn’t I just say something like that?) For God’s sake, LOVE is all about emotion; the strongest emotion you should ever feel; when it arrives, it should be screaming at you! And if you are wrong, if I am wrong, and the new old friend is ultimately a mistake, trust me, in time your heart will tell you that, too. Naturally, there is no guaranty, there never is. People and circumstances can change. But, in my humble and mature opinion, this is still the best way to go. By the way, flor, I am 62 years old.
)) I wish you the best.
Somewhere I had read this: There was this woman who was engaged to this man and they had already planned the wedding and something kept telling her this is not going to work. So she finally broke up with him. She said this that her mind was telling her that she could make it work but her heart was telling her something else.
Flor:
follow your own heart don’t allow negativity to come or doubt for when it does something is telling you it may not work out in the long run. Take each day with one step at a time then the answer will come to you.
My best to you Flor but the jealousy part I ran into that myself but as time passed I slowly got over it. It took me at least two years to get over my last husband because of the things we shared.
I happen to be a strong willed woman for one of my ex deceased boyfriends told me this. You can bring yourself out of any situation and know how to deal with and go on with your life for I have faith in you.
Thank you, Sandra. I appreciate your thoughts and support. And relaying of your own experience. I have to have faith in myself, it’s true. Right now, I’m doubting all my decisions. It seems all timing and maybe if I had done the ‘break’ when I first floated the idea, new old guy wouldn’t now (possibly) be with someone else. I know that that is not a good way to look at it ! but at the moment… Although I think I needed to know I was ending my relationship because – I – wanted to do it not because of this other guy which could go either way. So in that sense, it’s all a process. But thanks again.
Flor
Your welcome but do what you think is best to do for you know more about your situation than I do. Have you ever heard of the song torn between two lovers feeling like a fool. It was sang back in the seventies when I was a teenager in high school. I pray all works out for you but rest assure been there and done that.
Flor
You have really shared here and i appreciate that and have enjoyed reading your thoughts
Thanks David. I feel as if I’m doing an intensive course in relationships and the various scenarios that go on around and within them. It’s a bit challenging.
Have you done any writing on ‘how do you know if it’s time to end your relationship?’ – to address one of the above. While I understood -and basically agree with – what Gary wrote, it’s not always so black & white. What if you really love/care about someone but it’s not the most passionate relationship in the world…? I know you write about having the most fulfilling, amazing relationship but not many people have that. So even tho’ I think the path, for me, is fairly clear … when I think about doing it, it seems less clear. Thanks.
Hey, Flor – Sometimes the “grass is always greener on the other side” turns out to be the truth and sometimes we just use that as an excuse for getting out of the current relationship but we can’t do it without finding an unrelated excuse…like the old “it’s me, not you” crap when it really is the other person. And it may also be you and you just can’t admit it to yourself OR the other person. We make excuses – maybe to spare feelings and maybe to avoid responsibility.
We all grow and change over time and sometimes we outgrow each other or grow in different directions. It’s painful to tell someone that you love that you have doubts or fears or simply that whatever you had together has run its course. Ending any relationship, however casual or committed, in a civil manner can be difficult despite being adults. We do it poorly at best and often extremely badly. I count myself among that norm. You need to think about what you want in a relationship period, not just from the current boyfriend or the potential boyfriend. You have many more choices than those two so you need to start with yourself before you make any big decisions. Are all of the other recent things that changed in your life making you want to change everything else in your life that remained? Like the current boyfriend? Maybe you need to put all of the other issues to rest and then see if you still want to bail.
This evening at work, I just found out that another employee in an adjacent work group is stalking the former partner (that used to be in my work group) who now works at a different work site due to their break-up. Threats have been made against the former partner and family and a restraining order is in work. It’s difficult for those of us who know them both but there are too many people who go over the edge because honesty is lacking and the break-up was a complete surprise. The former partner has moved in with a new person and the old partner will go berserk if that becomes known. It’s a big company with its own professional security force but they can’t be everywhere. And stalking on company time or premises is a firing offense.
I tell you this not to scare you but because I am very mindful right now of what can happen when people have no clue. If you have issues, talk about them. Take your time. Get help. Don’t leave things until they are too big to reconcile. And don’t bet on the dark horse of unknown value just because you have other things going on in your life. Know what the real issue is. Then begin. And remember that just because you like “window-shopping” doesn’t mean that you have to buy it. Take care of yourself.
Flor
This is some advice that my mom gave me years ago. This has to do with my first ex-husband and my high school sweetheart.
When I was teenager I was still immature and I knew that I loved two guys but I had to choose which one I wanted to be with most. My mom said be with the one you want and the other one will get the message. I did this and it worked. When we as people become intimate with someone it does hurt for awhile but we were given the ability to go on with life. Even though I have been married four times in the past let tell you a story. My first ex-husband has remarried now this is his fourth go around. When I first met her I thought to myself wow he has met a wild card. When his mom said that he was happy being with her even my daughter has said this it does not bother me I said I am happy that he has found the one that makes him happy. We divorced in 1983 if nothing has not happened throughout the years then it will not. Life can sometimes deal us a bad hand but we must go on. It is ok to love others but it is up to you to decide.
Gary and K had some excellent posts here today!
Flor, thanks for sharing and allowing us to help.
Life is complex, there are no easy answers, everything is a process. It sounds like you just don’t want to be with your bf anymore. And I definitely can sympathize with this statement you made:
>>>>>>What if you really love/care about someone but it’s not the most passionate relationship in the world…?
Throw in a couple of adorable young kids in my case and the whole thing becomes even more complex:-)
It gets so complex that I am really trying hard to practice what the guys here coach…to live every day with passion, love yourself first and things will tend to take care of themselves.
David: The 3some will definitely happen this year. I am working on making it happen next month in Vegas….of course what will happen there, will stay there:-)
David: An idea for the blog: Have people email you with something titled “Blog Advice needed” and have them describe (just like what Flor did) their situation and you and us respond to it…that saves you from writing yet another blog when you are short of ideas or too tired from exercise with your gf:-)
Dan
That is a wonderful idea but David’s blogs wont hit the high number if we sometimes go off the beaten path of life. We learn from one another and maybe this is the way for us to say HELP!
If we think about it I bet David get over xxx amount of email each day from certain ones that he may not get to read at that time. So the only way I can say David help me please is use the blog area so he can see or read my blog and say hey email me.
i must said these blogs is Damn Fantastic ever david !!!! i enjoy reading it and i like the paticular words you said all the time
” Played it too Safe” and “Dating takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of perseverance” this is the key words really.
Hi K, very good advice you give here. It’s almost as if the more I think about this, the more confused I get. If new guy hadn’t entered the picture, I would probably be thinking that this relationship was fine. It was only when I got a glimpse of a different way of relating with someone that I realized certain things that are definitely missing. But, at this time, I’m filled with doubt about my own abilities to make decisions.
You wrote many sage things including:
<>
The things that changed in my life aren’t really recent, that’s over the years so they are not a catalyst for any changes now. I guess the thing I realize is to have such feelings for another person while you are with a different person is telling. But now I’m thinking, why didn’t I realize that sooner? (I know it’s not just about these ‘two’ but it doesn’t happen everyday this kind of connection I had with ‘new old guy’ as Gary termed him.) And I agree that it’s about working on myself and figuring out what I want in a relationship. I really don’t want to hurt my bf … but I also don’t want to hurt myself. I understand what you are saying about the scary work ’stalker’ situation you encountered and being upfront about things. I have discussed my needs and concerns with my bf and so he has some idea but I think he thinks I’ve moved past it. I will need to have a conversation. Thanks much.
Don’t know why that didn’t copy but this is K’s words that I thought were sage (among many):
***You need to think about what you want in a relationship period, not just from the current boyfriend or the potential boyfriend. You have many more choices than those two so you need to start with yourself before you make any big decisions. Are all of the other recent things that changed in your life making you want to change everything else in your life that remained? Like the current boyfriend? Maybe you need to put all of the other issues to rest and then see if you still want to bail.***
Dan
I agree with you on that there are times like myself when I need the explanation from a man. To see what he thinks about the situation. Me as a woman I can talk to women all day but we have our own sermons about guys in particular. But when they are kids involved it makes you wonder. Dan we all love our children for they are God’s little wonders. I call mine mommas baby girls.
K
Thanks for helping our woman Flor. I do agree with ur comment. Maybe some of us do need to move on. I myself have heard tales but too lengthy to put here. Maybe u and I need to compare notes the ones I have been told would make lyao.
I forgot to thank Dan and Gary I agree with ur posts as well. Gary reminded me of something my brother told me years ago.
Hi Sandra, I do remember that song “torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool.”
… “be with the one you want” – the advice from your mom is good. For me, one of them is a big variable at the moment so … it’s not entirely up to ME. And I’m glad you were able to deal with your ex-husband and his new wife. It’s true I am looking at it as all so vast and daunting but if I saw my bf with a new gal, I guess I’d just deal. He said when I broached taking a break that everything could change during that time and not to decide “cavalierly.” So he got me doubting myself! Although he has some really great qualities and we’re very close so this is very hard. Thanks for your thoughts.
*************
Hi Dan, thanks. everything -is- a process, isn’t it? I don’t know if I’d say it’s that I just don’t want to be with my bf — if I felt that clear about it, I could do that. It’s many years, it’s a deep friendship, and he’s been there for me when I had almost no one else to turn to. I’m hesitant to remove this big presence in my life, but at the same time, I think I stopped creating new friendships and life things because of that/him – but then that was my choice so I can’t blame him for that. ! That’s why i felt taking a break might be a good solution. He looms so large in my life right now.
As for your situation, hmmm… it’s great that you have adorable children but of course you want your main relationship to be great also. I hope that you can find whatever is the best resolution to your situation. And, yes, the advice here would definitely help … doing the day to day and working on yourself, self-love, etc. I know a lot of times people stay in marriages because of children and don’t want to disrupt their lives but I always feel like deep down they know. I’m sure I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before or thought about. I wish you the best of luck !
ok.. sorry to my fellow women out there.. Please don’t send hate comments, its just my opinion…but reading all this over dramatized banter is exhausting… The bottom line…the vast majority of guys you date you will never marry.. so relax and have fun!!! Stop trying to look for the hidden meaning in everything, sometimes there just isnt any… You never date multiple ppl and feel the same about them.. there is always a front runner…. Stop living in your head and get out there and have a blast!!!! You miss one bus there is always another one coming….. I can see why guys think we are nuts!!!
Hi Tee, thanks for sharing. Name one person (maybe you?) who doesn’t belabor a relationship or two or three. I hear what you are saying and you make good points. But some of us – perhaps unnecessarily – need to hash things out in different ways and forums. I agree, it could all be abbreviated, perhaps it is “over dramatized” BUT ya know the guys hear talk through their things too. It’s not just the gals ! But I like your attitude about getting out there, not living in your head and the buses.
Tee
I want everyone to read this quote.
The bottom line…the vast majority of guys you date you will never marry.. so relax and have fun!!! Stop trying to look for the hidden meaning in everything, sometimes there just isnt any… You never date multiple ppl and feel the same about them.. there is always a front runner…. Stop living in your head and get out there and have a blast!!!
That sums up life in so many ways.
I tell guys all the time in the bootcamps this as well as one other tidbit.
99% of the people you approach and talk to, you will never see again so why not talk to someone what do you have to lose?
Tee
Your quote is the quote of the day!!!!!!
Whats up David, Khiem, Taras!
Forgive me father(David) for I have sinned. I recently just met a girl and had developed a friendship over a month and a half , we hanged out just about every day bonding over eating
and fitness , however, she had told me midway that were only friends despite us doing everything together which felt like a couples relationship. I began to push for more. Now she is not hanging out with me because she feels I only ever wanted to get lucky but not genuinely be a friend which I totally am.I’m having a tough time trying to let her know I really care about her. I guess I got to excited I made couple mistakes I knew from what I learned from the lessons and bootcamp like being too available, hanging out too much.
Sorry David I let you down:(.
It sucks because I miss just having fun with her and all the things we did.
So what I learned is to give a relationship breathing room and just be more patient and to not push, to be less available regardless of how convienent to create that yearning to want hangout more stronger. I also learned if this is someone you genuinely care for never try to take it to physical level unless there is an absolute mutual feeling for it.
Hey Jamie,
Glad to hear from you.
I want to make sure you guys understand something important though. A lot of people are saying to NOT be too available. That’s not true. You can be as available as you want but you have to put your needs first and give breathing room for both parties to retain their individuality.
When you guys say: don’t be too available, it sounds like you are playing games and that’s not how solid relationships are built on.
As far as you not pushing for the physical, it really depends on what you want. If you know you like her as a girlfriend, she has to know that from the beginning that you liked her on a romantic level.
If you go suddenly from greatest cool friend… and switch gears on her and push for physical intimacy, it will freak her out. “Where does THAT come from?” she’ll be wondering.
You have to flirt with the girl from the beginning if you feel you may like her as a girlfriend.
Yeah Khiem did alot of flirting by alot of teasing and sexual innuendo jokes, which she found entertaining and had alot of sexual topics talk and even deep history. Does that count? I also told her at the beginning that I “like” her but if she justs wants to be friends that is fine. Then we hubg for almost almost 2 straight months. I knew how to portray interest and to compliment her personality traits and her beautiful heart. I made the mistake of trying to kiss her one night while watching the meteor shower, she said from then on I was only in it for something and to be her friend, which is horribly untrue. I always wanted to know is it ok to have serious talks over the phone or does that allow for more unrealness? I want to talk to her in person but right now she is being stand off-ish and I don’t want to bug her to the point she doesn’t speak to me again.
Thanks David… Big honor!!! I’ve actually learned a thing or 2 along the way (with your help of course).. Yeah me!
**hung out. -1 almost
Is there any ladies out there who were turned by an informal thing such as a letter, email, text, voicemail, if so why?
**and not trying to be her friend
Damn those mistakes
Jaime,
What would be worse of these two?
1- You make it crystal clear you want her sexually, and she doesn’t want to, and she stops been your friend
2- You stay ambiguous, don’t get her, and find out months later that she would have given you the Pink Taco, if you showed her you wanted her bad enough, even though she kep talking about friendship.
Dude, just tell her you ARE her friend, but that you lay awake at night thinking of the things you would to her.
This reminds me of a friend years ago, going through something similar. I told him “dude, you are in her place all the time, she invites you again, she teases you abut friendship/no lover… drop your pants off and observe her reaction. IN HIS CASE, it worked, they became lovers”.
This is the blog that just never ends:-)
Flor, maybe it’s the sex with your bf that is lame that you are exploring possibilities with the “new guy”?
And, yes, deep down I know….and I am coping. Can’t wait for Vegas:-)
Did I miss something about Vegas?
jamie
You need to learn how to be patient you know what i am saying to you my friend.
maybe you should have made her one of your shakes!!
J
I am all about being upfront.
We waste so much time thinking and wondering what to say.
Just do it and good advice thanks for the words to Jamie
Tee
Glad that you learned some great things!!
I want to share something with all of you…..working on something now that will really blow you all away.
Let me finish gathering my thoughts and I will post soon
Hey Tee —
Congrats on getting “quote of the day!”
I agree that you hit on something that is one of the most important things everyone can get in their head when they are trying to meet people, i.e., most of the people you will meet will NOT turn out to be a true connection for us (for WHATEVER reason)…
This goes with David telling people to be outcome INdependent… So many of us put too much focus on each single encounter and date and relationship — and make assumptions about our prospects and our lives based on these.
The truth is that we should just enjoy each good moment, learn from the unpleasant ones, and know that each person we meet who doesn’t end up being a connection for us is just part of our path to finding the one who does!
Hey Flor,
I hear a few things in your post (well, your original one)…
When you say you and your boyfriend have talked about taking a break — is that because things are not going that well between the two of you, or because your boyfriend knows you have an interest in this other male friend of yours?
My suspicion is that while I believe you do love your boyfriend, that you must feel like there’s something missing if you are having eyes and feelings and attraction directed in this male friend’s direction. I would also wonder how you would feel about this male friend if you were single…
Perhaps the only way to find out is to take that break with your boyfriend so you can see if you have genuine feelings for this male friend (or if the interest is just a symptom of your discontent with your boyfriend).
Just my thoughts though
Sandra,
maybe i missed something but your fish comments to david sound a little creepy…
Dr. Bob –
You ARE the man… and I would love to know how you got David into fishing! And if you two do go, please make sure to take some photos…I would kill to see david in a flannel shirt and those rubber overall pants!
Khiem — I agree 100% with you about flirting with a girl right from the get-go. I know that if a guy doesn’t, I put him squarely in the “friend” file in my head.
am i the only one who caught this little part of one of Sandra’s many, many, many posts? where she started a comment with”I happen to be a strong willed woman for one of my ex deceased boyfriends told me this…”
sandra how many of your ex boyfriends are deceased???? i dont know whether to feel a little scared of u
I wanted to say DW that I FINALLY understand what the FUN is that you keep talking about in dating! And I FINALLY understand the FUN I am supposed to have everyday! I get this because someone that makes me laugh and feel good texted me a lot yesterday. It was a FUN conversation and I really enjoyed it so much! I understand what you meant by the “I want more” blog. Now I just want to keep having fun conversations like that with guys I am interested in. That was fun and made me laugh! I hope he enjoyed it as much because he texted me again today! I want to get bold now and move it beyond texting but don’t want to push. I’ll have to go back & read that blog about that you posted awhile ago.
Just wanted to post a reply to the guys stressing not to be too available. That is somewhat true…don’t drop everything to be with her every time she calls. But please also keep in mind that if you are NEVER available we are going to think you are just not interested and will move on.
Flor
You know something u r right it is not all up to you. It takes two to tango that is a decision that is made between two people. I was thinking the answer you are seeking is within yourself. We all go through these things in life. But what my theory is did you know a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I can’t tell you what to do for you are a grown woman. But in time you will find what u r looking for. I pray all works out for you.
Jamie/Taz
A question here do you have physical and emotional attractions for this girl? Does she wake up the inward/outward feelings that you have for her? If she does there may be a connection. Also it depends on the age range and what her mom taught her.
Jamie/Taz
I know about the inward/outward feelings of a man. One of my exes taught me this.
Did i hear my name being mentioned? Wow i am flattered:)
I have one question – dr. bob are you single?
Dan
We are trying to make a record here wanna join. Hope you have a great time in Vegas and don’t forget us here on the blog if u hit the jackpot. lol
Sandra
What did one of your exes teach you. I think that would make a great discussion
Horny Lisa
Back with a bang to start the new year?
Have not seen you around in some time and I know Yakub misses you
Tee
The curtain rises and now take a bow and congrats for the quote of the day! Three cheers go up for u. But I forgot something the popping of the champayne.
Jen
Very good point too much aloof will push someone away
Gabrielle
That i want more blog had to do with the way I felt with my girlfriend when we first started dating. Though you will pick up some great things from that as well.
yes david i never let the new year come without a bang
do you think you and dr. bob might let me join you on your upcoming fishing trip? i’d be happy too keep dr. bob out of trouble
Shawn
I did not pick that part up……..Sandra can you elaborate on what shawn asked? Since we seem to have no problem getting personal.
Amanda
So what? David knows what I mean. Fish smell like that of a woman’s private area when a guy has oral sex with her. Sorry I had to draw you a picture.
Amanda
Did i miss something else.
The fish comments….I try to catch as much as I can
Sandra
Not most of the women I have been with. I now know the comment and really a woman does not have to smell like fish if she keeps herself clean.
Shawn
To answer ur question two one died on the way home from a friends house in a terrible automobile wreck in Nashville while they were doing construction on the interstate and it was raining. And the other died of a heart attack and I found out about the second one when I lived in Virginia
Do i hear women talking about bad smelling fish pussy. what did i miss here?
Shawn
U asked and ye shall receive ever heard the song Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison watch in on you tube.com It is the ballad of me and the first one. The song the first one said was his true feelings for is Rod Stewart’s Forever Young. If interested watch both on you tube.com
Hello Lisa
Damm girl did i miss you but look at sandra here. We are now at an all time low talking about female hygiene.
David
Do you think you can write ablog on female hygiene. ANd that is not what i meant by going fishing!!!
Bob
Can i join that fishing trip? This is way too funny!!!
well hello dr. bob:)
i must say everytime you write i want to meet you more. you have a very powerful air about you
oh and david i agree with dr. bob…sandra’s assumption that there should be any fish-related odors in that area ever tells me that she is desperately in need of such a blog being written
Horny Lisa
Welcome we need to get to know each other. They say you are one hell of a broad. lol
so dr. bob, if you missed me when do we get to catch up?
oh and yakub i just looked back at the earlier comments and must say you have made me smile – although just so you know i dont need a full moon to be horny:)
sandra
well i think its more accurate to say that the fellas think im one hell of a horny broad
David
Ok if you want me to get personal on the blog u asked now I will share.
When a man has an erection and it is an outward feeling then that is for show. But there is also an inward feeling that a man has also that is what makes his sexual intercourse feel great. He also told me that a guy will feel tingly all over. David we were into having a lot of sex toys also and into porn. He also told me if a man will wait on the woman he wants then the sexual pleasure is more interesting than to go ahead and have sex with her.
Now you all know. This was my last husband.
David
Shawn was questioning me about how many of the deceased boyfriends I had? And that he might want to be leary of me.
David
Ur right a woman needs to keep that clean especially. How about the guys when they want to come home all sweaty. Hey I have seen some guys that have not taken a bath in months. That is a red flag and half. Hey I keep my clean for I am faithful to a bath every night.
Hey Vick
You must have fell asleep on the job man I cant keep up with them either. lol
Sandra
Did you enjoy all the sex toys? What about the porn? This may start a whole new topic
Dr. Bob
How do u know and stop telling our secrets man. There are some men I wonder
Sandra
All guys need to keep there balls and whole groin area clean. You have seen guys that have not bathed in months,….now that is scary
It sounds like Dr. Bob and Horny Lisa need some alone time do you two want me to leave the room. lol
Horny Lisa
Howl at the moon uh. How about just riding a nice cowboy. lol
I feel like I am doing a yahoo chat session.
ok i don’t think i can handle hearing about anyone who hasnt bathed in months (let alone in days) which makes me want to be sick while simultaneously hearing david bring up sex toys and porn which make me feel something totally different.
well at least one of those last two things is always welcome in horny lisa’s bedroom:)
Horny Lisa
All the guys call me the Prick Tease. Cause I love a challenge and let me tell you I will take on any cowboy that wants to ride a cowgirl. At least I know how to make it wink at me.
David
We had our share of sex toys from cock pumps, to dildo him and I were into aphroditiacs. Well the porn as long as there are guys in it I will watch it.
David
When u seen one you seen them all.
well apparently you dont miss me like you said.
maybe sandra has caught his fancy.
too bad, dr. bob. would have loved to tell you how much ive missed you
David
That is true. If a woman does not clean herself very well she can come up with infections and it can also cause cancer that is why we need to keep ourselves in check with a gynocologist just to make sure we are still normal in that area. A man can not hide his but a woman can what I am talking about is STD or Aids.
Three Cheers For Horny Lisa!!!! You Go Girl.
well gee sandra thanks:)
although im not sure what i did to earn your applause since i got no love from dr. bob here:)
i have to say sandra that you have me intrigued — i have seen, heard of and used my fair share of sex toys and i dont know what that thing is you said you and your husband were into
Hey Horny Lisa
If Dr. Bob won’t give you any love, I’d be glad to step in…
Horny Lisa
During two of my ex marriages we were into porno. But my last marriage we had our own sex toys. The man I am with I will allow him to have his own toys and porn dvd’s.
Fishy odor means someone needs a prescription. And not usually because of an STD or because she’s not clean….
Jen
That is true. It could be the sign of an infection. We as women have to cautious when it come to our own reproductive systems. I am into oral sex and I keep mine clean at all times. I would appreciate if the guy does the same.
Also I know that is TMI Too Much Information.
Is there such a thing as TMI on this blog?
Geez, I gotta quit working nights because I’m missing out on all of the scandal here!
And I really think that it’s just sooo way too late to flash the TMI signal…..
Shawn – I caught what you meant about the “ex-deceased boyfriends” comment – it made it sound like they had help getting there – y’know?
And Flor – for the record – your posts noted a lack of passion in the current relationship – or at least compared to the new mental spike by contemplating Mr. Potential Hottie. Passion is not a permanent state. The early part of anything new has plenty of excitement but if you’ve been with the bf for 6 years, I’d like to suggest adding some new tools to your communal relationship toolbox…like those referenced in the soon-to-be released “Tales of Dr. Sandra Hutchens – Reflections on Boys, Toys, and OYs!” (just kidding Sandra!)
But seriously, get some new friends so that the poor guy does not have bear the burden of being your everything…that’s just wrong to hang that on any guy. I’m talking “in addition to” not “instead of.” And get some damn hobbies that don’t require his presence (again, refer to the above mentioned tome), as well as normal hobbies that don’t require closed curtains. Get out, hang out, take the tales to the bf and take him along sometimes. Maybe you both just need a new plan to have more fun.
Jen
I don’t know but we can find out? lol
K
No offense. But music has a tendency to calm and help me by its words.
Flor
Have you heard about what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I know this one woman that when her guy cheats she will do the same to him. Go out and have fun the more guys you meet the better off you will be. Do you know what the best medicine is do something that will take your mind off of it. When the thought comes up just think out of as well that is life in the fast lane. Don’t let him see that is bothering you. For that is what he wants it to do. Hold your head up high. Your not better than anyone but sometimes life deals us a bad hand and yes we are all human. But live life and go on. Life will not stop because he is with someone else chalk this up as a loss and one hell of a experience.
Horny Lisa, good to see you again around here, what happened to the other doc? How is Texas treating ya? I always knew that you and Dr. Bob are just made for each other:-)
Sandra: enough about fishes, dead exes, and rednecks in Nashville who don’t bath for a month!…How can you post so much here, don’t you have a job or another husband to look after???
You post so much crap here….and yes you have a right to do it but I am really tired of reading your posts and so are most around here!!!!
And everyone have a good day now:–)
Dan
Instead of calling Dan the Original they should call you Dan the troublesome. People don’t mind me posting here hey what is it to you man. And furthermore that is on you not me.
I will post until the cows go home and if you don’t like preach to someone else who wants to hear it and wake up man. I have been having fun with Dr. Bob and David since last night. Have you heard the expression you can fuck up a wet dream well man. I can see it now Dan is dreaming of me am I bothering ur conscience for some reason.
HEY GUYS I THINK DAN IS IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your just another blog on this page. Done deal get over it. Do you know that I have a motto I would not give you the satisfaction of thought much less the thrill of you knowing I was thinking about you.
Good day sir I have no ado with u.
But still love u though
Dan this is ur conscience bothering u again. Dan u dream about me and I just wonder what u do do you get off on just reading my blog. Do u use hairy palms and the five sisters just to get off on what I am saying. Ooooo-Sandrrra-I can hear u now but Dan I would not give u the pleasure.
David
You should have some way that we can hook up our webcams to this blog so we can see what happens on the other side.
I bet Dan jacks off every time he hears my name.
Hey u know what some of women would do to guys like give the motion of u jacking off and say I can get off better with my own five men and a porno flick than to sleep with u. Go jack off man.
time to move on……………
Dan, Sandra–
Get a room!
We hit a new record!!!!! THis was a really fun blog thanks guys for this.
Sandra
Who are you telling to jack off?
Sandra
what makes you think dan is in love with you?
Dan
Are you in love with sandra?
Horny Lisa,
You and I in my cabin anytime and I will buy the ticket.
100 posts thanks to Sandra LOL
David I know what you told and are telling me and believe me I have come along way.
“Dating (or love) is not a get rich quick scheme”. Say that 10 times fast whew!.
That has to be one of the more important lessons you have put out at least to me.
I thank you for the way you tell your stories with such conviction and passion.
Seems like me and my friend are ok for now.
You ever get that massage? hehe
Cakaw!!
thank you dan! it’s nice to be missed:)
dr. bob – i thought for a minute you had found a hornier gal than horny ‘ol lisa to keep you warm in your cabin…send the ticket – i’m there with bells (or really sexy lingerie) on…;)
These last # of posts have me alternating between cringing and laughing out loud. (But perhaps K as you suggest I can learn something.)
And, also, K… good points! There are definitely ways I can expand my universe of friends and activities, in particular, beyond my bf. While also figuring out what -I- need. I learned a lot here, truly!!
And also that some crazy, percolating at times, discussions via expressive people go on on blogs… I had no idea!
Take care, and thanks!
Flor, take a peek at that video Steve posted on the squirting blog…Who would you rather have do this to you, your bf or the new guy? That may be your answer:-)
>>>>>Are you in love with sandra?
Good one Dave:-)
And congrats for the new record, thanks to SH.
To Sandra:
>>>>>>>I will post until the cows go home
Oh shit!
>>>>>>I can see it now Dan is dreaming of me
>>>>>>HEY GUYS I THINK DAN IS IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the f&*k????????
>>>>>>Your just another blog on this page.
I am not another blog, I just made another comment like the gazillion stupid comments you have been making here since you discovered us! You are not blogging, you have been going nuts on commenting. Visit blogger.com and you can then create your own blog and blog your heart out!!!
>>>>>>Dan u dream about me
What the f&*k? Whenever I hear the name Sandra I have nightmares of dead smelly fish, dead exes, rednecks who don’t bath for a month and deranged nuns:-)
David
When Dan sees my blogs he has something to say about them. Someone told me one time when you are real angry at them that u must love them.
I must b on his mind for some reason.
Dan the Original
J-Dude
If Dan is willing I might but who knows I already have a man on my tail so I hate to bust Dan’s bubble. Yes I am not lonely.
He lives here in Cheatham County TN in the same neighborhood I do.
You GO Dr. Bob take her on who knows Horny Lisa maybe the girl of ur dreams.
Horny Lisa
You don’t have to worry about me taking Dr. Bob away from you. I have one of my own. He is short dark and handsome. Most handsome guy in my parts.
Excuse me guys I have to serenade Dan the Original to sleep it wouldn’t make his day/night if I don’t Go to sleep my little baby. Hate to bust your bubble but I have a guy in reality on my tail. But I have one that is a blog stalker. When he sees my name he has to comment with my name in it. Yes baby keep using that hairy palms and the five sisters and keep dreaming.
Dan
On yahoo chat there is a button that is pushed when someone annoys u it is called the ignore button. So guess what I will ignore u from now on. But wanna bet u wont ignore me for one time. So sweet nightmares while I dream of my baby here in my neighborhood.
Dan
One more than I will press my ignore button. I can not help that ur ex gave up on you the way you talk to me is the reason why she said bye-bye. I wouldn’t waste my time on you. So there so don’t plan on answering me in a blog because I can control what comes into my computer. Ignore Dan; Ignore Dan. While he holds his cock in hand and has nothing better do than search the internet for adult sights he can only dream. But his own reality u suck.
Amanda, Just caught your post (so many if you miss a day it’s a bit to catch up on!). Excellent points.
Dan… okay, will look into that.
Thanks!
This blog refuses to die!!!!
Just found this blog and it couldn’t come at a better time! So I’m struggling with the fact that I have strong feelings for a very good friend who I’ve been living with for over a year. Honestly, when I met her about the apartment I thought to myself “this girl is way too attractive for me to live with” but we talked for a few hours and hit it off. I decided that I was mature enough to make this work and I moved in, vowing to myself that I wasn’t going to screw up a good thing by bringing sex or romance into the equation.
We were both in a bad place in our personal lives then and the baggage we both had combined with an amazing friendship kept me from ever making a move or expressing any romantic interest. Well it turns out we’ve been very good for each other, and over the last year our friendship has gotten stronger, our baggage has become less, and my attraction to her has grown. I think about her constantly, and I feel like I need to do something about it. She has become the standard by which I judge all my other dates and they don’t compare!
So to turn to your blog.
1) I haven’t felt the need to sell myself to her because we’re basically joined at the hip. She knows my good and my bad already.
2) I’ve been TERRIFIED to express myself, at least romantically to her. I feel like I’m risking a valuable friendship, an outstanding roommate, and I would basically be turning her from a friend to a live-in girlfriend immediately. Thats a big step, and probably more-so for her.
3) I’ve been patient I think. I’ve gotten to know her, and she opens up to me in ways I don’t think she would to anyone else. I didn’t want to risk what I already have for what might be a crush of sorts but my feelings for her only intensified.
4) I definitely waited to take action. But I do believe that now is a better time for us to try than when we first met.
I’m not this way with other women! I’m always up front, and they know my intentions from the beginning, mostly because I’ve learned to head off the friend trap from previous experience. Well I dug my own hole this time, I was trying to set this up for friendship and now its backfiring on me.
I want to come clean with her. “Sara, you’re my closest friend, but I’m very attracted to you and my feelings for you just grow stronger every day. I’ve avoided being honest with you about this because of our living situation. Have you ever thought about me that way?”
Damn, it felt good to get that out. Any thoughts or advice? Am I just an idiot for screwing with all this?
listen can anyone help me
i really need your help really bad
IM in high school and i like this girl i have known her for 3 or 4 months but u can say i act imature with her.
today some guys were flirting with her and i think i will do the same
but listen ive been thinkin if i ask her how she feels towards me or do i just ask her if she thinks of me as a friend?
i talk to her everyday but we usually just do small talk how do i get an opener so we can have a serious conversation
i gave her something for xmas wish she really liked but i dont think she sees me as a good friend
so do i first become her friend or do i act now??
oh and her parents dont let her go out so then please man its killing me i dont know wat to do i need ur help
i seriously need some tips on how to make her fall in love with me or at least make her feel happy or attracted to me
please guys i need tips to make her feels safe with me that she can open up
On friend to boyfriend, I always had a saying, “Unitl they say I do they ain’t”. I have asked women out who have boyfriends and fiancees and usually the response I would get is, “Thanks but I have a boyfriend or fiancee”. Then I would say, “That’s okay, I only want to go out with you”, then I would be silent, smile, and look them right in the eyes. Just went from friend zone to boyfriend. It never hurts to just ask.
I have been talking with someone for a couple of weeks. Hung out a few times but i seem to be stuck to progress i have shared stories been funny,push pull, kino, kissed. But she seems scared i guess what can i do to get her to get over this???
Hi Folks,
My first post to this blog, so I am sort of popping my cherry here.
Anyway, I tried to read all the posts to get a feel for where it was all going, but………………
Anyway, I loved the advice and some of the back and forth going on. However, one thing I did miss in all of this (and someone correct me if it was there) was validation that you are in the friends zone for a reason. That reason may be that:
1) She is not up to your standards (or you to hers) for a relationship, though you have that attraction for her,
2) Even though you are both single and have the attraction, neither of you are ready,
3) Your friendship is just that, a FRIENDSHIP and anything else might ruin it, or
4) Though she is attracted to you, there are signs that she could ONLY consider you a friend, which is not all bad is some cases.
Each one of those points are extremely debatable, and we as mature dating adults need to clue into when it makes sense to attempt to take it from friend to “more than friend”, and when to leave it at the great friendship we enjoy with that person. This is not to discourage; rather to invoke that moment of thought for all of us to understand the dynamics of what we have versus what we want.
So, for my own personal tip, I would add #6 behind Khiem’s #5, which I liked. But my #6 would be to ensure the two of you are mentally & emotionally capable of keeping the same friendship if:
1) She rejects your attempts to be intimate
2) If you date, become intimate, but the flame fades
If you are honest and the person is truly a friend then your decision tends to be easier. I could give many examples, but in the end it is a personal thing. Also, I am sure we all agree “nothing ventured, nothing gained” so just putting it out there in a mature fashion is usually the right thing to do.
Anyway, thanks for reading this and I look forward to contributing more in the future.
I wish Sandra would STFU.
Ditto for all the posters who only suck up with “what a great post” comments.
Please comment on the blog topic.
Thank you for your support.
Great post David! And also great contribution from Khiem.
All this friendship talk is great…. and there is one other hard cold reality that is either overlooked or masked. The guy or gal you are interested in may not be energetically a good fit. It doesn’t matter what kind of conversation you have with them… if you have two different communication styles, you won’t be speaking the same language. Literally, one of you may be have an emotional talking style and the other logical. You could be friends, but never as close, trusting and truly loving as you wish. So before you get your hopes up, find out your Communication style. You can get that info for free at http://www.matchmatrix.com.
There is one other HUGE issue… ATTRACTIONS. We all love great chemistry, right? But if you have false attractions, you might be hoping to connect with the total wrong person. Or you may NOT be noticing the RIGHT person.
Many women and guys opt for being just friends because they don’t feel the juice. If they have false attractions they truly are missing out on what could be an awesome relationship. They think the other is an wonderful person, have great conversations, love to spend time together, really trust each other because they can connect so easily… but they opt to remain friends because they don’t feel that powerful attraction… even when both are exactly the look each usually go for. If you know you have the same Communication style as the person you are friends with, then what has to happen is you need to make a physical connection. Ask him or her to go dancing. Go for a walk on the beach and hold hands. This is a MUST. I have people tell me they worked together for a year, were great friends, and then one day in a coffee shop reached across the table and held hands. They have been romantic partners ever since. Both had other relationships at the time!
False attractions can also have you stuck with the wrong person. The gal I am dating now has false attractions. We had a few awesome dates and then she decided to exclusively date a guy that I knew would be a train wreck… because they had different communication styles. She and I remained “friends” and when she finally realized that her attractions could not make up for the fact they didn’t speak the same language, we ended up dating again. We have an awesome relationship now. The chemistry she was so attracted to is replaced by powerful energetic connections… and not just in communication. Its awesome!
So Yes! Yes! Yes!… if you’re interested in a gay or gal and a friendship is all they want… get that free Communication Report or even better try our new MEnU (Me & You) rating system and see how you rate. Because you’re JUST FRIENDS you can easily do it together and have fun. There is special gift offer for MEnU if you go to http://www.matchmatrix.com/menu-trial/?af=106.
To awesome connections and true love,
Larry
David…. this blog post is awesome and it’s also an ENORMOUS WAKE-UP call for anyone in a relationship. Underneath all the great advice for gays and gals that have friends that they wish were more, is a glaring message to the rest of us…. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER take our partner for granted. Be authentic, never dependent, come from the heart, be vulnerable and always honor respect and appreciate the person you’re in a relationship with.
Otherwise you can be sure the day will come when that good friend could easily start to feel and look like a lot more.
Many Blissings
Larry
I need to know how to work with a freind who is in the same club and school who is a pastors daughter-former shy home school girl. I THINK SHE KNOWS I LIKE HER. I hung out with her to eat this week i want it to hang out again and she never picked up(she says she was on the other line?!) the momentum is dying and I need to know when is it time to throw in the towel.
Thank you God bless
James! I will make note of your response! And how true, most women with a sexy figure, have a boyfriend/fiancee. Keep in mind, women sometimes say they have a boyfriend,,,,, only because they don’t know you.
For Badhabit and Mario and all of the guys who want another suggestion on how to get get out of the ‘friend’ zone: I want you to consider this thought. Women who are already in a guy’s ‘friend’ zone may be surprised or even blindsided when confronted with an alternate role that they hadn’t counted on. I’ve been there and sometimes, it can be a shock – not because the guy isn’t attractive but because I had ZERO idea that they saw me that way.
I’ve been friends with one guy since we were kids and I have seen him struggle with dating and go through a failed marriage. He moved to my state to work for a company and I took him to my then-employer’s company dinners as my stand-in date when I wasn’t in a relationship. I also introduced him to other women and and ten years later I joined his company. He has remarried, has a few kids, and has a very important job now in my division. People are shocked when we greet each other with a hug because neither of us are demonstrative in public or talk about our personal lives but we’ve known each other for years. He talked about getting together years ago but I knew that we did not have the same goals. I also knew many people in his extended family in my home town so I decided to keep it as friends and I never regretted it.
But the most important thing about his revelation was that he did not confront me. He explained his feelings on the subject and gave me the room and time to consider his position. He did not pressure me and he has remained my friend with no strings, no emotional blackmail, and no drama, like ignoring me. He may have been disappointed by my decision at the time but he honored my place in his life and still does. We are also been allies at work which is very good.
I recommend that men approach the desired woman in their ‘friend’ zone in a different way. Yes, tell her that you are interested in being more than friends and tell her why. But don’t expect her to hear the news and have a ready reply. Don’t demand that she respond immediately. Give her time to consider what you’ve said and tell her that you will still be her friend no matter what her reply. But if she ever wants to pursue it, you’re open to the possibilities! You may get an immediate reply or she may be so surprised that she needs more time to consider what she has heard – with you not around. Sometimes, you just have to plant a seed and let her decide if she wants to help you tend this garden. But don’t pass it by just because you are afraid of a ‘no.’
Mario
Does she act interested in you? What you might do is try talking to her and getting to know her.
Bad Habit
Fear usually plays a role in our lives. Be open and honest with her and knows she may surprise you. Who knows what fate has in store for both of you.
David
On the blog where I scored the highest blogs I want to say u r welcomed and when you want me to do it again just let me know.
OH!
May I add to this blog for those of you who I get under the skin that want me to leave I do this to aggravate the living SHIT OF YOU!!!! I can ignore ignorance not once have I asked anyone to start another blog? But I can say I have read a lot of advice others have and I say: lets keep helping each other. And those who oppose: up doesn’t go up prices do and take my advice and shut up too.
BLOG FREELY
Or what I have been told opinions are like assholes everyone has one.
True, humans are opinionated people and resistant to change. So why not be the person who can consider multiple and varying opinions and still formulate a rational opinion of his own.
David, I think the sooner you can get these public forums up and running the better. No pressure, but I think with the multitude of advice and opinion which is prevalent in these blog responses would constitute a diverse online community.
Lisa good to have you back, I thought you were gonna show up in my door with Handcuffs, and police uniform on.
Hope to see more of you this year, and your naughty side:)
And it goes for everyone too, hope to see everyone more on here, and make new friends!
Coach Yakub
My Sentiments Nite everyone. Anyone want to mental mastrubate about being a cashier in the morning at Wal Mart.
This is really good stuff! I will go out and apply these rules and be able to have the girls I want to have in my life! Thanks David!
Well as long as Sandra has a computer this blog will live on, shall there be a sandra rule? I have one named after me
Geez, When Sandra says she has a guy in her “neighborhood” does she really mean her trailer park? Umm… its a small world after all….? Of course, this will make Sandra think I must love her? Yes, I am a stalker. {searching for Nashville trailer parks where apparently the water has been shut off for months at a time}.
Flor should realize that although “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”….the water bill is usually higher. You get what you pay for. If you take a “break”, just be prepared that your bf will meet someone else also, and you may regret that transition (but hopefully it will work out for the best). Then again, the standard seems to be to blame the guy for being in the wrong no matter what the situation is, and we are used to it (could explain one reason why we are so reluctant to marry?).
This is my first time attending a DW blog and my evaluation of its value is inconclusive, but it is always good to hear from different point of views (even those likely clinically diagnosed).
Good Luck to all
Im not patient enough to wait.. and why should i wait for a woman when can date another?
I dont know how its in the USA but in Europe its a bit diffrent i guess. The City Life is absolute anonymous and totally conservative. Im asking myself when theres the gender equality… where the fuck are the ladies who start first? Yeaa i know alpha male and so on.. What the f … if i wanna get to know someone i start .. man or woman should do. There are so many situations at night when i go out ladies lookin at me and nothing.. and excactly these ladies i dont want to know cuz they aint got enough courage to start or do something. Same s.. when she got a friend. I dont waist my time on ladies who want to be entertaint.. cuz thats all they want entertainment and the feeling that they are gorgeous and so on.. So David your tips are good but when nothing happens (no date and so on) i waist my time. So..?
Kayoss
No I don’t live in a trailer park and yes I do have someone. But we are not together he happens to be one of my close male friends that I happen to really care about. Try like where the deer and antelope play. Daphne will have fun chasing cats up the tree. Move one county over is it Robertson, Cheatham, or Dickson. You look to much in Davidson County. May I add Montgomery County. We have a saying Rob em, Cheat em, and Dick em.
Mental Masturbation
Would it be nice if you could have anyone you want and they want you back. Lets see where do I start. The guy at work no because I don’t shit in the same place I eat. Born in TN. no don’t want a Tn Country boy had one of those. To young for me I had one of those. To old for me no had one of those. Now lets see who can I pick out. Born in TN, Too Young, Work for Wal Mart. Strike three ur OUT!!!!
Just think of the list boy it would grow and grow.
LOL…..the blogs comments are hilarious!!, Also very informative.
I cant agree more!!
Sandra, TN talk?
C’mon girrrrrrrrrl.
Wow! This is one of the best blogs I ever read!
Wow! What all you got up to whilst I was out! I try to catch up on my lazy day…I wonder how I missed this one? Oh, and a big hello to Horny Lisa, and the good Dr…
Great post David!
There’s something more that I believe is useful: there has to be masculine/feminine polarity between the man and the woman. Because without this polarity there is no attraction. What I mean is, the woman might like the man and they naturally develop an emotional connection (friendship), but at the same time he is not sexually desired by her. Therefore the woman doesn’t want a physical connection with him, doesn’t want an intimate relationship with him… doesn’t want him as a boyfriend, just as a friend. Because the man that he is doesn’t naturally create in her the emotions that would make her desire him physically, for sex. She might trust him, like him, find him interesting and fun, but not have sexual desire for him.
You are a True master of meeting and attracting women. Thank you for sharing your Wisdom.
The most pleasant surprise I’ve ever gotten was when a man who I considered to be a good friend indicated to me that he was attracted to me, had feelings for me and has had for a long time. Total shocker, but since I had always secretly crushed on him I decided to take the chance. We have a lot in common, we have a blast together, we seemingly both enjoy our conversations and laugh a lot together. The only bummer was that we now lived several hours drive away from each other. I expressed my concern to him regarding the long distance thing, and he asked me to not ‘give up’; encouraged me to take the risk; and I became excited at the possibilities. Things were great – and although we did not see each other often, when we did it was an amazing time. The sex was great, we met each other’s friends and family, I encouraged him when he had concerns about his career, I was there when he lost his dad. Seven months into this long distance relationship with my friend – and just so happens 5 days before Christmas and 7 days before we were to go away together on vacation – I called him to see how a recent business trip went, and after a very long conversation, he told me he could not go away with me, could not go on seeing me and felt obliged to tell me that he had met someone else in whom he was interested. I was so shocked I couldn’t even speak. All I could do was question the timing of it all, but surely my good friend wouldn’t be so cruel as to have led me on… I have since sent him an email – a very nice email, by the way – wishing him the best in the new year and telling him I hoped we could still be friends, but of course we can’t. What would we talk about – his new relationship? I did say that I wished he had told me sooner, as I felt a bit foolish going on and on about Christmas and our vacation. He never replied. Anyway my point is, I wish I had been thinking more about how I might lose a friend and less about how I might have a great boyfriend when I was weighing all the options. Now I don’t have either one, and this makes me very sad.
I had rather be called a guys friend than to have him look at me and say get out of my face.
DEAR ELLEN,
I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU RIGHT, NEVER GOT TO THE SEX PART BUT WAS GOING IN THAT DIRECTION, WE DID NOT STOP TALKING BECAUSE OF A NEW GIRL FRIEND, HE GOT COLD FEET IN LESS THAN 5 HOURS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING HIM. I SCARED HIM.
MY BIGGEST CONCERN AS YOU IS REALLY A GREAT FRIENDSHIP THAT WAS LOST AND HOW IF POSSIBLE THAT CAN BE CHANGED AROUND. I TOO WROTE A NICE EMAIL AS I FOUND OUT THAT EMOTIONALLY I HAD BEEN OUT THERE. IF HE WILL REMAIN A FRIEND I KIND OF UP TO HIM, BUT KNOWING THAT MEN ARE DIFFERENT AS US, WE MORE FORGIVING AND READY TO GET OVER IT. WHAT WOULD THE MEN HERE TELL US TO DO.
THANKS K FOR AT GREAT ANSWER, TOO MUCH EMPTY HEADED NONSENSE, GREAT FOR CASUAL FOOLING AROUND BUT NOT FOR ANYTHING USEFUL.
WHY NOT HAVE A BLOG ONLY DEDICATED TO GREAT STORIES AND FLIRTS. SEEMS TO BE WHAT MOST WANT HERE ANYWAY. LET THE FANTASY ON A ROLL.
Thank you Kayoss (sp?)… my bf expressed that to me that taking a “break” can mean many things change during that time (possibly for him too!). I’m processing many things right now but appreciate – and really respect – everyone’s thoughts.
Elle Burn – I mean, really? Do you really mean that you want to remain friends with him? I mean it sounds like you had a great seven months and it’s so painful when something that you hope would continue ends but to me I don’t feel you should be questioning the decision you made to enter into a relationship with him. The flip side is that if you hadn’t, if he met someone else, you might be sitting here thinking that could have been me. I think, we just don’t know. We do what we do with the best information we have. best of luck!
To be able to add to this blog I’ll have to go back a few (20 yikes years)….The best friend I’ve ever had, the whole way from 7th grade through graduation from high school was a guy. We each had a steady bf/gf…we talked about anything & everything…he was amazing & we really just loved each other. So when we graduated we both happened to not be dating anyone & we talked about how much we had together & how great it would be if we could make it something more.
So we decided to go for it…we went on a few “real dates” & while the kissing, etc was nice…we both just didn’t feel the “fire” to move it farther and thankfully I can still consider him one of my closest friends to this day.
I read a quote recently…”Love is friendship on fire” and I have the blessing of being in a new relationship with a very special man right now & I feel that quote describes what I feel for him perfectly. I feel the comfort and acceptance to be myself that I had w/my best male friend, yet I feel this “fire” whenever I look into his eyes and the best part is he feels comfortable enough with me to talk to me and tell me he feels the same way…
So I say “kudos” to David to writing this blog entry…. I encourage anyone to take the “plunge” to see if that friendship could be your true soul connection….because even if it doesn’t turn out to be a bf/gf relationship, you’ll know what feelings you have, and what you’re looking for….and especially what you not willing to live without!
GO FOR IT!!!
I have never be able to make the jump from friend to girlfriend or from girlfriend to friend. It has always end up in disaster. That´s why I put both subjets in different cups. And It has worked fine for me !!
Elle Burn: Sorry to hear about your story. Don’t regret it. It happened so there is no turning the clock back, however you can move on, and with your matured attitude and your little vulnerability in life you will find someone more mature than that guy.
Hope you feel better!
I think it would be very hard to go from bf/gf to just friends…too much history, emotion, etc involved so I could see where that could lead to difficulties.
But the chance to gain your ‘true love’ from a deep friendship is worth the shot. I think if this is someone you have a true friendship with…. you just need to talk together from the beginning about how much you value each other & what you currently have but that you want to be open to something more. As long as you treat each other with honesty and respect you should be able to maintain the friendship even if the bf/gf aspect doesn’t workout….afterall, this is your very good friend, you’ve already seen each other through “the good, the bad and the ugly” of a lot of each other’s lives.
Hi,
Just want to get a view on the terms of ‘Let Just Be Friends’.
Generally, when a girl choose to have a relationship with a guy, isn’t it suppose to start from friendship? But then there is a lot of people or so-called ‘dating gurus’ said that you shouldn’t be friends with the person you want to have a relationship with.
So I want to know the opinion from you guys regarding this? Is there suppose a ‘restirction’ of how much a guy are only suppose to do without him falling into the ‘Only Friend’ or ‘Best Friend’ zone.
Thanks.
P/S: I’m inexperience in this kind of stuff and very confused with all these ‘thingy’.
Once out of the boyfriend/girlfriend contract, there is no going back to being friends.
I agree with what Jill says, but at the same time, I don’t think two people should bare their souls. At least, not in the beginning………………
Hi David,
Do suggest the same thing for women if the man wants to be friends. I don’t want to do the friends with benefits thing either….it’s only his benefit anyway.
That’s right, Patti! Who came up with the category – friends with benefits? Men, of course!
I wake up this morning and I cant get over this blog. David you picked a topic that will not die!
Yep, this topic will live forever!
When in doub, chase the girl. It’s that simple. You won’t get any pussy if you act like a pussy: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=72118639&blogID=448796617
After having thought about this for a day or so…I can honestly say I don’t regret taking the risk with my friend to see if we could create a deeper relationship. I am not afraid to take chances, really. I leaped, I flew, and I landed in a different spot than I had anticipated. I do agree that open communication is key. I had no idea my friend was having second thoughts about us until he told me he had met someone else, so naturally I was surprised. I just wish I still had him as a friend – I hate losing friends – but there is no going back to that. Ce la vie…I do know I will think more than twice about it if any other friend of mine wants something more than friendship.
THIS one just might hit 300…
Elle
Think of it this way his lose your gain.
You know something I listen to music and I remember a song by Taylor Swift Another Picture To Burn. You can see it on youtube.com. Actually my youngest daughter and I talk about these guys dumping her on the internet and I tell her you will find someone else to talk too. Guess what she is talking to probably five different guys. Untillll this one dude thought he was going to do her damage. That is when mom steps in I did not like the idea he was stalking her and then he admitted one of his ex gals hacked into her computer. Then he decided to dump her again I knew that guy was no good from get go. There is another my daughter likes it is next time he cheats by Carrie Underwood both can be seen on youtube.com. Then we get into this talk about guys it can be comical sometimes especially when we want to plan vengenance that isn’t carried through. But when the threesome get together then that is when there is too much estrogen in the area. I am talking about me and my two daughters together on the computer through yahoo messenger.
Elle, I know what you mean. I hate loosing friends too. But then, recently I read the following quote ‘”Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” ~ Victoria Holt
You guys are great! I would like to think that he at least misses me…I miss our conversations…sigh. And I love that quote, too. Very positive thinking! Thanks ladies!
Daisy… love the quote! Definitely a keeper.
Sandra… hurry up girl! I’m number 298 as far as I can tell; you have to be number 300. It has your name on it! And your posts on topic are good.
All the comments here have been so interesting. For me, I can’t go back and be friends with someone if we’ve had a relationship. I’ve learned that I am just too emotional and can’t see that person as only a friend. But, I do admire those who can remain friends. Maybe I am flawed, but it’s how I am.
My philosophy is this why give the answers to the tests for when u do how is he to figure out on his own how he feels about u.
Did u know that my middle name is gambler you when some you loose some. Life to me is a gamble it is like playing the lottery.
It took me a few minutes to come on air for I was watching videos on youtube.com
All righty then…….
Deb,
I think it is a blessing to be emotional (don’t you agree, guys? LOL!) and not a flaw. I love emotion. I think emotion is interesting and passionate and I never ever apologize for being emotional. I love that you are emotional. Let’s all be emotional for the next 5 minutes together…
is there a prize for being #300? ‘Cause I win!
We can keep blogging and use this area as a chat area. Deb did we make it to 300 blogs?
Whoops, maybe there’s a prize for being #304? LOL
Elle
If there is then as the curtain lifts u step out and take a bow. As David or Kheim hand u a bouquet of flowers. Now walk down the aisle girl and jump up and say I won.
We all get a prize for being able to scroll through 300+ entries here! LOL
Sandra… yup, we passed 300. Way cool.
Elle – thanks for the encouragement. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past year and being somewhat emotional is one of them. I have to stifle at work as a nurse, but outside of that, relationships are where my emotions run through and through. Two week ago I met a man who has made my life so complete. I am fortunate to be living the accumulation of all the good things David speaks about on these blog topics. Not sure how it will all turn out, but my emotions have found a very safe place and I see a very bright future.
One quote that I have referred to over and over is “Normal is only a setting on the dryer” by Erma Bombeck. I never thought my life was normal until I read this quote and realized that everyone’s “normal” is different and it is best to know yourself. So after a bad 25 year marriage and 6 years of wandering through life trying to make everyone else happy, I took a year to figure out who I was. It wasn’t as scarey as I thought, and it’s been time well spent.
I had read somewhere where this woman was talking to this and she suggested he read the The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Well he did as she suggested and she checked up on him after a week and he had told her that he had read it and it turned his love life around. Well once I heard this I went out and purchased the book but I have not had the time to read it yet.
To add to the top comment.
She was talking to this guy and he was having problems with his wife and how much time they were spending together and she was complaining about the quality time they had together but his job kept interferring and so he got the book and it turned his love life around. Now he is capable of sharing the quality time with his wife.
David
Does the vengeance of a woman ring a bell. There was this woman who said she was writing a book about Go Get Girl or something like that. Did I hear u say that u did not have any problems with that and this one guy said that he just lets them know sorry but it did not work out.
Let me see if I can find that disc somewhere. Where u talk about Whole Foods. lol…..:)
Lets make this blog to live forever! Yes, no, maybe?
I’m coming back late to the party but here’s something I’d like to share.
Emotions are a beautiful thing. It’s what make us human… we are humans because we can feel… so why hold back from the way we feel, whether good or bad?
Embrace it all!!!
Because emotions are only moments in time… and you can’t take back time.
When we feel something, even for a split second, it becomes memory… so be grateful for the memory you just created.
Patti Brown,
“It’s only HIS benefit” if you are looking for something more than he’s willing to offer.
When it’s something that is mutually agreed upon, it’s YOUR benefit as well.
Curious,
Most good relationships is founded on friendship… in the sense that the two partners share a deep trust, acceptance and respect for each other, like friends would have.
However, the problem for a guy to start with “just friends” is that most women start only seeing them as “just friends.”
It’s important for the guy to usually act the way he wishes the relationship to go from the beginning. It’s important for him to acknowledge the inherent sexual tension from the get go if there’s any.
Think of it this way: If the guy is your friend and constantly flirts with you, it’s clear that he likes you in more than “just friends” ways. You guys just happen to be friends right now for various reasons but you know where his intent lies.
However, if he’s your friend and has never acted flirtatious with you, and one day… he just comes out and tell you how much he’s been secretly in love with you…. MOST of the time, you would get freaked out (unless you’ve been having the same thoughts).
So the point here is: if you both acknowledge the “fire” that you may both feel for each other, then it doesn’t matter how you guys started….
But for most guys, they hide their sexual interest in you for whatever fear they may have… and that’s why lots of dating gurus prefer to say: “don’t be friends with the person you want to have a relationship with”.
Makes sense?
Khiem,
The notion dating guru is very relative, at least to me. All gurus give you the best advice they can – and you make the best out of it! This is why the outcome would be different for different people.
So you don’t think it’s a good idea to be friends? Are you saying if he doesn’t want the relationship and the girl does …. to break it off and quit seeing him? I’m confused about what you were saying.
Actually, I agree with Patti. I didn’t really understand what you are trying to say.
I think men in general from the beginning make very clear what their intentions are. They do it without any special strategy, just by intuition.
So, what do you suggest women suppose to do. Send man to hell? Continue to see him? Confusing….
Guys can get pretty “foggy” on the relationship thing anyway… it’s like they want you sexually and want you to call them but don’t want to put in any effort, what’s up with that anyway…is he just being a jerk or what?
I’m not saying to send man to hell, that’s not my point. There are some nice guys out there i guess i just haven’t met any lately….:(
David or Kheim
Help some of us are confused? About guys?
Hey Kayoss,
Every woman doesn’t blame the man but you guys do have a lot of mixed signals that you give us women. Don’t know why that is… I know a guy needs sex but a relationship cannot be purely based on that. It doesn’t constitute a good relationship. Come on guys we have feelings too. This is not a war on the male sex drive. Women have sex drives too, but sex for us goes beyond just physical for some women. I don’t know how guys feel, but sex has a lot of meaning to us women. I think guys can screw anything that walks. Where as women have deeper emotional ties to a man they have made love with. I know there is just screwing and there is making love. Can any of you men “out there” relate to that?
Patti
Us women think with compassion but really think about it. A man is brought up by his dad to be a man. I heard this from one person. When a boy is brought up to be a man he is not suppose to cry like a girl. He is not suppose to show the affections like a woman. It all depends on the guy at least. Guys can be such strange bed fellows if they want to be. There are players, guys who want a relationship and those who are out there for the sake of trophies on the shelf. There are books and other counselors that can help you as well. I started off with Chris Carter and ended up with David and both are good and I intend on staying with both of them. Chris tells it like it is but David is more laid back and shows you how it is to be done. Also it depends on what kind of man you are looking for?
All Khiem was saying there is that if the boundaries are established and agreed upon by both the man and the woman then there’s benefit for both parties. Since I’ve been single I’ve had two of those sorts of relationships. We had great times, and we both care about each other, but we’re in different places in life. For example, Shawn is a couple of years younger than me never married or had kids, and was back in college for the second time. I was divorced, had three nearly grown kids, and not at all interested in settling down. We just agreed to see other people, and we remain good friends.
Bertie
I agree I have had been with guys myself. Each one was different one from the other. But some of remained friends but others I chaulked up as a loss.
I think we need a separate blog for this blog! This subject is fascinating! Does anyone know where is our Disparate Housewife? Or Dr. Bob?
Jessica
I think he is on one of the future blogs but I have not heard from Dr. Bob.
Patti, Naaa, women have sex drives? That reminds me of the radio talk show host, I believe her name is Barbara Schlesinger, she is constantly telling her female callers, that sex is not hard……
Maybe, you are referring to the 20 year olds.
Hunter, friend, you are definitely hanging out with the wrong kinda women! Besides, if something wasn’t hard, there really wouldn’t be any sex now would there?
Did u know I was told by this one guy it is not hard for a woman to find a man. But it is hard for a man to find a woman. A woman can use her charm and decide whether or not she wants him.
hunter
it depends on the person. Take ur teenagers they have not matured enough for they are still in their comfort zone of mom and dad. Also a man is the example of his dad’s teachings as well as us women are the example of our mothers teachings.
hunter
women are like treasures maybe u are looking in the wrong places. There was a song years ago looking for love. The lyrics were looking for love in all the wrong places looking for love in too many faces searching their eyes looking for traces of the one I am dreaming of etc.
Looking in the wrong places?…..Wrong kinda women?……nnaa, really?…..aren’t most women approachable, lovable, looking for partners, etc…
hunter
life is full of trilogies and fate has in store a lot of things like David said embrace life and live for the present. Who knows she might b right under your nose.
Remind me to never check the “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail” box again, ok?
Gabrielle
I know what u mean i find a lot in my email also.
Gabrielle reminds me of my childhood days. She tells us all, “Remind me never to check,,,”
Yes, life is full of trilogies, and fate has tons of stuff in store for us. And yes, living the present has been one of my greatest accomplishments.
hunter
I have an eighteen year old daughter that will soon b nineteen. Once she graduates high school I want her to be independent not co-dependent on mom. She like yourself will learn the ways of life. To me life is a gamble you when some you loose some.
A man told me that the day after he turned 18, he came home to find an empty house and a note on the kitchen sink saying, “You are on your own now.” Signed Mom. One of the biggest shocks of his life.
I am sure your daughter is partially independent now, and you’ll be easy on her.
I’m not talking about teenagers, i’m talking about men in their 40’s 50’s and 60’s there are still “players” out there in this age group as well. Hunter, women do have sex drives men just abuse them and then expect them to put out. If you loved the person you wouldn’t screw around on them…men do you really want your woman to screw around on you? Some guys do and say that it was just sex, i say bull$h&t. I hate Chris Carter he’s just a player trying to act nice…. David how about you? You talk the game but have never settled down, so how do you know even what a long term relationship looks like i’m not talking 5 or 6 years, I’m talking 30 years or more. We can all meet guys or girls but that doesn’t mean the forever kind of love i’m talking about. It’s not a game and guys make it out like that until they get burned.
Hunter, sex isn’t hard, it’s the long term love and affection we all so crave. Sex is an act, love is a choice.
Sandra, you’re wrong most guys are brought up by their moms. Maybe you’ve been fortunate to have someone to help you raise your younguns. There are a lot of single women out there raising their sons without a male influence. There was seven of us and my mom mostly let us raise ourselves. I left home when i was 15, my brothers left home when they were 17 and 18 my dad was in the service so we got to see very little of him. So you’re wrong in a lot of ways.
Guys can get in touch with their emotions if they want to, i’m not saying that they should act like women, that would be gross, i’m just saying quit playing stupid games to get someone in the sack with you, they want the sex but don’t want to make a commitment…that’s what i’m trying to get at. Men just don’t respect women, but yet they want love and respect…treat someone like you want to be treated that’s how i feel anyway.
Patti I wasn’t talking about teenagers either. I just think that having lived through the hell of the divorce and making it out the other side of it, and really liking who I am as a result, that all good things come to an end. My parents were together til my dad died, and my mother still mourns him. A different end than I had, but still an end, and its okay.
David is somewhere in his forties, he couldn’t possibly have an LTR that lasted 30 years unless he hooked up with a high school sweetheart….
Bertie,
I know mine ended in divorce as well. I know David is in his 40’s and never been married. So dating is alright, but what about those of us who would like to get married again? I don’t want to just date. I would like to have a real relationship. Yes i know one has to keep the “fire” alive in any relationship, but why does it have to be the woman, it’s like the men go “lame” once they think they have you? What’s up with that. Don’t feed me any bull….i’m tired of all the excuses guys have and try to make it the woman’s fault if the relationship goes down the tubes. I know better. Men have been blaming women since the garden of Eden. Adam had a choice just like any of us.
Also i would like to know if you hang around and be “just friends” for awhile how long should a person wait until the guy decides what he wants? Shouldn’t it be a mutual decision. I mean come on already who wants to stay friends for 10 years with a guy hoping he will “come around” I think a guy knows pretty quickly if he likes her enough to have a true relationship with her. Otherwise i would say he’s just using her. Just my thoughts. I think others will agree and vice versa, what guy wants to hang around being just friends hoping she will like him. I’ve been in several friendship relationships and the guy leaves after a year they don’t hang on forever to wait and see if i would “come around” to me liking them enough. It’s like a double standard.
Girl, you just wouldn’t believe how close I was to being the spawn of Satan according to my ex there for the last year or so. My question though to you is this….Do you really want to be married again? I just can’t answer a definitive yes to that. I also think that you’re throwing out a lot of stereotypes. Not all men are like that..expecting their partner to keep the fire burning. The relationship deal comes down to communicating without pointing fingers and such. I’ve met a lot of men that want a relationship just that there were deal breakers. Like Shawn wants a family. No way in hell am I going to have more kids….The ovaries are just for decorative purposes at this point. I suppose that if you settle for less than you deserve, you get just that. I’m just enjoying the here and now, and if one of those LTRs happens, great, if not I’m really happy with my life.
Why would you wait on someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? I have a friend that flirts incessantly with me, but we still hang out we’re still friends.
i learnt from a friend of mine to be a massive flirt with everyone at all times. down the pub he flirts with all the girls and makes friends with all the guys so when he makes sexy comments to girls or asks them to dance the guys just think thats ok he does it with every girl hes just being friendly but i dont believe any girl in there would put him in the JUST a friend catagory and many of them after a break up with there boyfriends end up with him and while there with him he STILL flirts with everyone
Hunter, I agree about not being able to go to just friends once bf/gf it’s too confusing. It’s like you’re great to have sex with until i can find something better…i think it’s a crock!!!!! You date for a year or better and then they say i just want to be friends how lame is that? For real. I think there are too many immature men out there still in their 40’s – 60’s yet i don’t want someone in their 70’s or 80’s i just hope for a nice guy. One dating coach said not to have sex with a guy unless you have a ring. Maybe that’s the way to go.
Bertie,
I understand the pain of divorce, but it’s been 8 years now and i have met some pretty nice men. I lost a couple of great dates to cancer. They died. Now i’m kind of sort of in this “friendship” thing. We’ve been talking for about a year now and i would like to take it to the next level. I really like him a lot and he’s a really nice guy, he’s been divorced for 9 years, but i don’t know what’s going on with him. I’m a christian woman and i don’t want to go to hell for having sex, if you know what i mean. I love sex, but i want to be in love. to love the guy and have him love me in return. I know marriage is no guarantee of someone staying in love with you. But it’s nice to have someone to come home to. It gets lonely sometimes. I have friends but we all have our own lives. Maturity doesn’t happen by continuing to have “hang-out” parties. You get my drift?
Bertie,
Isn’t that what David is implying? That we wait and let the man make his move if he wants to be more than friends? Mine flirts with me too, but that doesn’t mean anything. I just hate the not knowing how he really feels. I have the love thing going on in my heart. I try to date other guys but i don’t want to hurt them either. I mean guys say they are a one woman at a time kind of fellow but it’s kind of hard to believe. Yes i know i have trust issues, but give me a break guys lie and one catches them in it. I tell them right up front i just want to date. I don’t know these guys, isn’t that what dating is about to see if you really like someone? If not tell them don’t keep them guessing. End it. Yes it hurts but i don’t want to settle anymore. Neither should they. But don’t string someone along for years and not be serious. That’s too cruel.
Well, while I don’t subscribe to any particular religion, I’m not out having the sex smorgasbord. Have you talked to this guy about how you feel? this taking it to the next level? What is a hang out party? My friend and I go target shooting or off roading when we hang out, but I didn’t think anyone here wanted to hear about my hobbies. When you say maturity do you mean the relationship? You can always enjoy it for what it is and move on to greener pastures you know….
I think the gist of the blog was to remain open to the friendship and if you both agree to establish a different relationship beyond the friendship, go for it.
I’m not having the sex smorgasbord either, i don’t care anything about having multiple partners, i am trying to date other guys, just date ,nothing else but most guys in their 40′-60’s just want a one night stand… they don’t want to date you if you won’t have sex with them. Don’t get me wrong i like sex a lot, i just don’t want to be a bed hopper for these jerks. It is like one of the other girls on here said she went for the more than friends had sex with him and then he dumped her. He was just curious about having sex with her not being a true friend. He dumped her!!!! He didn’t want her after he got what he really was after. He was a jerk.
Any nice guys in their 40’s – 60’s feel free to jump in at anytime.
I’m trying to get a nice guys point of view on the matter. We women don’t know how to translate man talk, so let a guy answer.
Mike j,
So you’re friend jumps from one woman to the other, he’s not ready to settle down. I think it’s rude to be dating someone and flirting with other women. Flirting should be done if you’re not seeing anyone. That’s my thoughts. Guys amaze me how insensitive the can be. Would you want your woman flirting with someone else while she is with you? Think about it.
David Wygant
How about you jump in on the matter. How long should someone wait, to get out of the friend zone into the relationship zone?
I know your specialty is dating, how about settling down and letting us in on how to maintain a relationship? Are you up for the challenge?
I mean are you going to be 80 years old and still dating?
actualy patti alot of the girls ive been with flirt with other men and me and some of the women in work are always flirting with each other even though some of them are married. flirting dosnt mean you are automaticaly going to jump into bed together. flirting with everyone does not mean sleeping with anyone. part of my friends success is hes sending signals of interest but they dont know when hes just having a laugh or when he realy means it so always comes across as non needy and they have to chase him.
Thanks Khiem,
I think I get what you are trying to say here. Keep up the good work David. Just bought one of your product few days ago.
Patti
You say men are just after one thing and one thing only right. But you should take out the time and find the woman inside you first. You must be hanging with the wrong crowd of men. Not all men are classified as sex fiends. There are gentlemen in the crowd somewhere. I work around a lot of guys and I am sure they address me with their eyes but I don’t take it so seriously.
Patti
A man will treat you the way you present yourself to him.
Bertie
Both of my parents are still together and living. And both have taught me well. So have yours. My children are of broken families.
After four marriages I decided to give it a break I was tired of meeting someone and then saying I Do. I wont say I wont marry again. But I am taking it one day at a time and waiting for the right opportune time to say it again. Why rush life you don’t have to be married just to be a woman. Yes I want a man to sleep with and not the invisible man. But I am getting at the age where it does not matter that much to me anymore.
Bertie
I am in the same boat with u. I don’t mind being friends with guys that gives u the chance to see if u want to be with them.
a relationship is what two people make of it good or bad.
Patti
There is nothing wrong by living ur truths and being honest with the guys you want to date. But all in honesty they should be honest with us.
I knwo what you mean, Sandra…
We all are looking for honesty!
oh and patti back to understanding men. most of the time the words coming out of our mouths are what we mean. we dont do subtext (except for do you want to come back to mine for coffie) im tierd means i need sleep and you look nice today means i like what your wearing. men dont do hiden meanings we deal in facts.
Good inside, Mike J! And a good advice!
Patti,
Just to correct, David has been married before.
As far as what I wrote originally, all I said is that men (and women for that matter) need to learn to make their intentions clear from the beginning. Is this headed towards a relationship or is this just being friends? If the men and women did that more consistently, no one would be in the situation of: how does he feel about me now? (which you are in right now).
I never said there was anything wrong with starting as friends then moving into a relationship… it just makes things a bit more complicated emotionally.
Now, in regards to your other question: “Are you saying if he doesn’t want the relationship and the girl does …. to break it off and quit seeing him?”
I didn’t say that either. All I’m saying is that it’s better to make personal boundaries clear.
If a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, it’d be better for the girl to put her energy in finding someone who would want a relationship with her instead of spending an inordinate amount of time trying to convince him into being in a relationship with her.
If she wants, she can keep seeing him but she might be torturing herself emotionally by doing so. It’s up to the girl to decide what is right for her.
[...] If you have not seen this record blog click here. [...]
Khiem,
Thanks. You answered my question….finally, where it makes sense. Although we never started off as friends we were dating. So I guess men are just strange creatures to me. It’s just that i don’t want to be putting energy into a relationship that is not going anywhere. I think most folks would feel the same way. That’s all. Just my point of view.
Mike J,
So you’re saying you guys want the women to chase you because of……? What are you that scared to ask a woman out? What do the women in your neck of woods do, scream at you if you ask them out? How come you guys are so scared to ask a girl/lady out. We women get rejected too. So i don’t understand that part. How is woman to know if you’re truly interested if you’re flirting with everyone else. Well if women are flirting at the office i would think that’s how affairs get started and mess up marriages. I don’t know about other women but i don’t somebody that doesn’t want me that’s for sure.
Sandra,
Maybe you have been fortunate, it’s just hard to see the forest for all the sleeze sometimes. I’m not saying all guys are sex fiends i just get tired of that’s the first thing on their minds. I would like to be thought of as a person first.
Patti Brown
Well men are indeed strange, for many of them not all it’s quite ok to be dating/flirting with more than one at a time, the thinking behind it does not make a lot of sense, especially when you know a lot of them want someone to be with. I can not begin to tell you how often I have heard this phrase between men. Even if they are dating a girl, but not married they refer themselves af singles. Agree with you about putting energy into it, I would not expect him to be the only one but if I cross the friend stage, it’s just the two of us as long as it will take us. You never know how far a relationsship will take you but I give myself 100% at every stage.
Sandra,
You said a guy will treat you the way you present yourself to him. I don’t present myself anyway. I’m just out there talking to different guys and first thing out of their mouths is sexual. I’m not looking for a fling or a one-night stand. So i know for a fact i’m not saying anything sexual to them. It’s just their thing.
Sandra,
I agree, a relationship takes 2 people.
Sandra,
Yes guys should be honest with us. Unfortunately they’re not for the most part. I know there are dishonest women and it makes it difficult the few that are honest.
Mike J
When you ask a woman up to your place for coffee, that’s all you’re saying you want? How about it ladies & gents do you believe him?
Marina,
Never give more attention to a guy than you are getting, you are going to crash and burn. Never, ever chase a guy more than he is chasing you. If you have to do all the chasing he’s not into you. Protect your heart girlie. Much love.
Sandra,
I’m not saying sexual things are all bad, i’m just saying i just don’t want that to be the first thing out of a guys mouth. Get to know me as a person first. I’m not a piece of meat. That’s what i’m trying to say and get across.
Khiem,
Sorry I didn’t know David had been married before, sorry it didn’t work out.
Patti
I am not sorry it did not work out!!!
It was a long time ago and I am with a woman I love.
Life is all about learning and no one should ever feel sorry about a relationship ending.
Life is a series of amazing lessons!!
Patti,
It seem as it happens to you a lot, maybe it’s the kind of places or maybe you are sending signals out without knowing it. With the right signals I will either get just comments or sexual comments. I am the stupid one I let it all out when I like someone I don’t hide it, and in any courtship both parties takes turn being the aggresive one. Men do like it when you sometimes are the aggressive one. You take your chances the rewards when you truly give yourself to someone are amazing, it makes the whole experience so intense.
Bertie,
I agree, i don’t want any more younguns either. I’ve done my time and paid my “dues” with kids.
I would like a LTR, I have my own life but i would like to share it with someone besides another woman. I don’t want to be old and have a woman as a companion. That’s just to sad for me. Some women can be really vicious.
I like your attitude, David!
Really there are many ways of looking at things. (Like one relationship should last forever ? Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s alright too.)
And we often assimilate negative ways of looking at things from society, our friends, our family.
Patti, you may be meeting the ‘wrong’ guys and it’s really hard to think more positively when that’s the case, but maybe you might consider stop looking for a little while. We all have our issues (I have mine…) but I think what David says about doing inner work and self love are really important things we can all focus on.
best of luck!
David,
I’m happy for you. I guess i look at things differently especially as you get older.
Flor,
I’m not looking, just talking to different guys. David says to flirt, it’s not that easy for me but i’m smiling, lol
David i meant i guess i look at things differently especially as i get older. I think it’s easier for a guy as he ages not so easy for us women.
I don’t know about that Patti, do you think it could be a mindset? Change your mind and you change your life. I gotta find that CD…..
Bertie,
I don’t think it’s a mindset, it’s a fact most guys want younger women, usually if they want older women they just want someone to keep them up while they go and play. I’ve seen it happen to a couple of my friends. I was 10 years younger than my ex he had to go 20 years younger. I’m no raving beauty but i’m pretty attractive. Besides with my ex i look better than she does. He was just a jerk.
So wedding vows don’t mean anything i reckon.
Hmmm….that hasn’t been my experience. In fact, the majority of my dates have been in their thirties, and I’m forty-four.
Bertie,
I’m glad for you. Maybe my friends and i live in the wrong part of the country. Where do you live? Maybe i need to move there.
LOL! I live in a tiny town population, give or take of 8800. In the midst of beautiful old growth redwood forests meeting the sea. Not the best place for dating believe me, but I do fine, and I love the area.
Bertie,
Maybe it’s the seawater that makes for better dating? lol Could be the redwoods don’t know.
Its that goddess figure(d-cups) of hers. That alone will take a woman most anywhere she wants to go!…..
Ummm…Hunter, Behave! There’s a brain behind those boobs! Actually, Patti, when I was a teenager here, my friends and I used to say the best men came from the fog. So I think it must be the redwoods, in years of drought, they can actually create their own mist/water due to their root system and the umbrella/cover they provide. Besides, they’re tall, strong, and well….woody.
And bertie has a long neck also…….I have been told, women don’t need brains to be in a relationship, their body does all the work for them………
Hunter, now you know T&A only gets you so far….
Really? Us men, with little, to no experience, don’t know if that is true. DW would know.
Just caught up with the comments here in this blog that refuses to die! i pasted some comments from above to comment on:
>>>>>>>Remind me to never check the “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail” box again, ok?
lol
>>>>>men do you really want your woman to screw around on you?
I would love it as long as she tells me about it and, preferably, allow me to be present to film it:-)
>>>>>>so how do you know even what a long term relationship looks like i’m not talking 5 or 6 years, I’m talking 30 years or more.
in David’s professional, that must be considered occupational hazard:-)
>>>>>>>they want the sex but don’t want to make a commitment
I would love to find a lady like that…..still waiting for David’s blog on the topic:-)
>one dating coach said not to have sex with a guy unless you have a ring.
He must be specializing on the Christian ones or he is surely out of business by now:-)
>>>>>>I’m a christian woman and i don’t want to go to hell for having sex…
I think we are ALL going to hell then:-)
>>>>>>Would you want your woman flirting with someone else while she is with you?
How sexy? How risque? How original?
Patti, nice to have you here, but I sense an incredible amount of bitterness coming from you and a very clingy attitude….clingy is a turnoff to most guys….we just want to have some fun along this long road called life and lots of us are terrified and wary of women who think vows and making babies with us and living happily ever after….this happens in the movies perhaps, very rarely in real life…so, you think and expect too much or you need to move out of Nashville, lol.
Free your mind and your ass will follow
Rock on!
Crystal
My sentiments exactly. When they act like pussies they wont get pussy.
Sandra: just wanted to add to that…
When they chase pussy, they don’t get pussy.
Amazing this blog is still going!!
tell me about it no wonder you need a forum lol. patti on the subject of coffie if you read it properly i said that was the exception that proves the rule and as for being afraid to ask women out i said no such thing. not knowing if your joking or not helps to build attraction after that feel free to ask them out and as for your aversion to flirting for fun either we have a different definition of the word flirt or you have some represion issues you need to work on.
Coach Yakub
I was answering someone else’s comment. I was reading it and laughed. It says when they act like pussies they don’t get pussy.
Dantheoriginal… you crack me up!
During the last 4 years of dating and just turning 50, I can honestly say I have made just about all the major mistakes of dating… clingy, jumping into bed too fast, dating bad boys, cheated on… etc. etc.
I’ve used all these experiences to find out who I really am and what I want, then I said “screw it, no more dating, I just can’t do this anymore.” It was more of an emotional roller coaster ride and felt like being on a continuous interview trying to get to know all these new guys. Six months ago I just decided to be me and like and accept who I am. And for the first time in a long, long time I was truly feeling happy. It’s been excellent preparation for meeting my present man who absolutely captures my attention in every way. And it was the last thing I was looking for. Now I can see how all the frustration and self-exploration had a purpose for my future.
Perhaps that’s what dating is meant to be; something that allows us to just be ourselves. I found that when I had to compromise my self esteem, boundaries, lifestyle, etc. to accomodate a guy, I wasn’t being true to me, and therefore the relationship really didn’t have the strength to grow. One of the biggest turn offs for me, is when I guy spills his story of divorce, or bad relationships, and it is smothered with hate for women. Why do men think women can’t see through that? I’ve dealt with my anger and hurt from my marriage and divorce, and the burden that was lifted was awesome. Do men have a harder time with this? And how much are women supposed to make allowances for this? I want my man to put forth some effort to be in the present. At least then we have a better chance for a future.
David- is it expecting too much to have as many same sex friends as we do opposite sex friends? After reading through all the comments, it seems that perhaps we all have high expectations that the opposite sex will stick around and like us, but if it were a same sex friend, we would move on more easily if rejected, or not think twice if they didn’t want to be our friend. Wierd?
Great discussion in the past 50-some posts… Now I will hush it up and read, read, read… and delete all the e-mail alerts. LOL I need a secretary.
Bertie,
We both have something in common brains behind our boobs…:) Needless to say, we are not using our boobs to get us where we want to go.
Bertie,
Thanks for the analogy of the redwood forest, lol i get your drift.
Hunter,
I agree with Bertie, behave yourself. lol
To Dantheoriginal,
What i meant about not having sex outside of marriage. I guess much sex…to quote Sandra Hutchens if you chase pussy you don’t get it. I guess that’s all you chase. That’s what i’m talking about you guys are lame. A woman is a person first. Try acting like a gentleman instead of being a neanderthal! You’re right up there with the jerks i’ve talked to. We’re not a piece of meat…if you’re girlfriend let’s you video tape her having sex she doesn’t respect herself much. I wonder if you even have a girlfriend with your attitude.
Mike j
Don’t have repression issues, so you’re a psychologist now? I just think some men don’t respect women. That’s all. Like the coach said if you chase pussy you don’t get any…think about it. That’s where guys go wrong with most women. Some will give you a one-night stand but that’s not the norm.
Hunter,
Nope not a clinger…. by no means, if the guy doesn’t want a relationship i move on, end of story. If it’s a mutual friendship then that’s what it is. Nothing more, i know the guy wants friends with benefits but i’m not into that. His loss, always…that’s how i see it.
Deb,
Good for you….I’m glad you saw the light and quit letting men jerk you around. You’re awesome.
DantheOriginal,
Sounds like horny Lisa is the one for you.
My sentiments on the email me back thingie. My email comments from the blogs is looking like David’s email. lol
Patti
That is telling Dan he has the actions of a caveman. He made me wonder why he could not keep someone with his attitude.
Dan
Take a chill pill better watch Patti she might tell u like it is. Have you ever heard of a bitch fit moment. It like saying hell hath no furry than a woman scorned. Now back to ignoring u.
Patti
I have a question? Are you talking about players men who take advantage of women. These men need a lesson in not becoming captain rabbit or captain cum quick. Hey I have met some of those losers myself. A player better take an exit stage left for I am not the one. Go play it on someone else who has the time. Oh Patti I am referring to guys. There are times I have that same attitude with men.
Patti Brown- Thanks! He tells me I’m awesome, too. I think I’m one lucky girl to have made it this far. It’s been tough, but well worth the wait.
Sandra,
You’re right and i think the coaches will agree, Dan is acting like a caveman! Has nothing to do with being scorned.
Dan you think you’re clever but just digging a hole you might not can get out of, lol
Sandra,
However the shoe fits on these guys that think they are so clever and take advantage of women. There are players and gentlemen. I don’t like the players…there’s hookers for those kind of guys, if they want to take a chance and get something that comet can’t wash off, more power to them. They just better not take it home to their “girl” if he wants to live. If he dies oh well. No ones fault but his own.
Deb,
You go girl….I’m glad you have found a diamond in the rough and do i mean rough! Seems like the few guys that have chimed in here (with the exception of the coaches) are so full of themselves it’s not even funny.
Sandra,
I think David had a video on that about guys being captain rabbit or captain cum quick. Wonder if the guys even listened, huh?