An interesting topic that always seems to come across my desk involves guys who have female friends they want to date. I get all versions of this question: “David, How do I go about getting out of the friend zone and getting into the boyfriend zone?”
This topic is always interesting to me, but it is especially interesting right now because I am currently dating a woman with whom I started out being just friends. When I first met her, she was actually dating somebody else.
So how did I go from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone with her? Did I subliminally do some mind tricks on her to convince her that dating me would be a far better experience than the one she was having with her boyfriend? Absolutely not. What I did was I got to know her.
For any of you who have been in the friend zone with a woman and wondered if there was a way out of it, here are four tips to help you get a woman to look at you in a different way:
1. Don’t Sell Yourself: If you meet and become friends with a woman whom has a boyfriend, don’t sell yourself to her her at all. Get to know her over a period of time. If a woman is attracted to you as a person, she could become attracted to you a significant other. It all depends on at what place she is in her life. We all know that many relationships tend to “go south” and end. The problem is that a lot of men will meet a woman who is in a relationship and decide not to befriend her at all. Now I’m not suggesting that you become the shoulder she comes to cry on when things are going wrong with her boyfriend. What I am suggesting is that you can get to know her as a person, because you never know where life may lead you down the road. So don’t be a salesman, and don’t berate her boyfriend. Get to know her. Be yourself. Have a good time with her, and see if natural chemistry develops between you. When you are genuine and take the time to get to know her as a person, she actually might start to look at you in a different light and end her relationship.
2. Don’t Be Afraid To Express Yourself: If you’ve already been friends for a long time with the female whom you’d like to date and she’s never thought about you in a romantic way, then you need to understand that there’s a good chance she’ll never think of your romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they played it too safe when they first met that woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of really expressing to her any indication of their romantic interest in her, that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they will ask her to hang out in a group. So instead of really talking to her and clearly asking her out on a date, guys will nervously ask a woman out on a “non-date” kind of date. The reason why it is almost a foregone conclusion that you will end up in the friend zone in this situation, is because you have never asked her out on a real date. You ask her out – to barbeques, to happy hours or to parties – but it’s always to join a group of other people. If you’re interested in somebody, you need to ask her out so it’s clear to her that you are asking her out on a date.
3. Be Patient: Four of my best relationships have been with women with whom I was friends before I became romantically involved with them. To do this, you must be patient. So many guys will not even befriend a woman if she has a boyfriend at the time they meet her. They won’t take the time to befriend her because they are only interested in immediate gratification, i.e., if they can’t get involved with her romantically right now they don’t want to have any involvement with her at all. You have to stop thinking about immediate gratification all of the time. Not every woman you meet today is going to want to go out with you tonight. I tell guys to think of befriending women they meet like building a portfolio of interesting people with whom they can get together in the future. You need to treat women you meet like long-term investments. Just enjoy getting to know them as a person right now, because you never know what may happen. Chemistry just might spark between the two of you.
4. Don’t Wait And Take Action: Don’t ever ask a woman’s friends to tell you about what she is thinking, and in particular do not ask them what she thinks about you. If you are interested in a female friend and would like to get out of the friend zone with her, then you need to ask her out on a date. Take the risk. She might actually feel the same way about you as you do about her. She may have been developing a crush on you too. So what you need to do is take the risk, because the friendship can survive something like you asking her out on a date. You, however, don’t want to have to live with the self-torture of never knowing if you could have become romantically involved with her. Don’t wait to take action, thinking that will say something to you if she is interested. Even if she is interested, she might never say anything first. So don’t ever wait. If you’ve got a crush on a female friend of yours, you need to call her and say “You know what? I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone.” Make it clear to her that you want to go out on a date with her. It doesn’t matter if she says yes or if she says no. It just matters that you take the chance. You will define the relationship one way or another, and then you can move forward.
Dating takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of perseverance. The best things in life, in fact, tend to pay off when you have patience and perseverance. No one is ever completely successful the first time they do something.
So start being willing to take your time. Take time to look at all the women you’ve met in your life, and think about whether any of them stick out as being someone you’d like to get to know again. Perhaps she’s someone with whom you became friends when you first met. Send her a text or call her on the phone. Who knows? She might be more receptive to you the second time time around
Popularity: 9%
David,
I think you forgot #5 to your list of tips to getting out of the friend’s zone.
“5. Dirty talk her to death”
You’ll turn her on so much she’ll wonder why she’s sleeping with her boyfriend and not you LOL
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Love you and David both Kheim.
David you outdid yourself this time.
What I don’t care about is:
This man and woman has been on a date and they may have been seeing each other for a few times. Then the guy wants her to make love to him and she agrees after he has done promised her to love her for eternity. Then they do the wild thing and she and him are talking and she tells him you know I really like you and want to take the relationship further. That was what the email was about. Is why a guy will act distant and withdrawn when a woman that cares about will tell him in the beginning.
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Now my answer:
When two people are together they may have things in common. When a man is not thinking long term and the woman is. Then possibility she is expecting too much from the man. This is a big no-no in the beginning of the dating scene. I agree with you David it is best to get to know each other before jumping into something that a person is not sure of. A woman needs to ask herself is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? To be sure that there is no negativity coming in on her behalf. Am I willing to do the things for him as a wife? I read something one time that said and I agree a person will need to take the time to get to know themselves before allowing someone else into their lives.
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And David I have I took time out last year and done this. I have found the real woman within and I am loving every minute of it.
Read and Weep
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Sandra,
After reading many of your comments, I think you put too much emphasis on the “forever”.
You always assume the woman is the one who wants the long term relationship when the man may want that just as much or more than the woman.
What bugs me is that you make all your decisions or assumptions on the idea that whoever you date has to be for the long term.
“Forever” is created one day at a time.
You wrote yourself: “is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” By just asking that question, you are creating an ultimatum in your mind. Ultimatums don’t work for a reason. You are too focused on the end, instead of focused on the present.
Instead, focus on the good things you have right now with that person and hope for the future.
A better question would be: “do I like this person, as is, right now?” If so, keep going.
Another good question would be: “do I see myself liking this person a few years down the road?” If you do, great! but nothing guarantees that you will still feel the same down the line.
As such, when you meet someone, take it one step at a time. Enjoy the process, enjoy the moment, enjoy the feeling. Don’t put so much expectations on yourself or on the other person. Change is part of life. If you put so much expectations on everything, you are bound to be disappointed.
Instead, take each day with that person as a gift, as a blessing and you may be surprised at how “forever” it will turn out.
Finally, I had to make a comment on your take on sex. Sex is not a gift a woman gives to a man. Sex is the natural progression of good connection… however superficial or deep the connection is.
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Kheim
I do agree with you on that. Taking one day one step at a time is the best. Rest is in a email to you.
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Khiem, two words…right on!
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Oh Kheim
Did you know that giving a man an ultimatium is a sure way to get rid of him. I was not doing that I was mainly asking a question why do men go from loving and then all of a sudden he is distant and withdrawn from the woman. Damn I will put it here:
I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend
that I have feelings for him – more than a
friendship. We have been intimate with each other
about 3 times. Everything was fine until I
mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him
for a relationship…but he took it that way. I
have since then been pouring my heart out to him
and pretty much looking insane.
Is there any way to save it? I know he has
feelings for me.
Please help…and tell me how to reverse the
damage I have done.
This is from an email that I was reading so don’t thank it is from me.
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Oh I happen to be reading someone else’s newsletters so don’t take it personal
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Now Read it and Weep
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Oh Kheim
If a woman were to email you a question would you tell her the same thing you told me what I just pasted here. And all she can hear is Susan say Right On!
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Kheim
Is that kind of counseling advice you give women who just want to know is why a man will be lovey dovey and all of a sudden she has to try to get his attention and all he can do is watch television why she stands there looking all sleek and then he turns distant and withdrawn.
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Susan
I have one for you have you ever tested the waters before or are you scared of what may take place. Did you know that I have put things that I have learned from two different individuals and you know something it really works and the things I come up with I have learned from a different source. You see it does not bother me one bit. Did you know I have someone in my life where’s yours.
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I think there should be a 2 or 3 post honor system for those of us who can say what is on our minds in one post.
Seriously Sandra, I don’t know you, or your situation but your multiple posts are rambling and distracting to me and the reasons why I visit this site. I know you don’t have to stop on my account, and these types of non-topic related conversations, while interesting to you and possibly the people you are directing them at, they are not interesting to others. At least not when you continously add to what you try and say in the first post or two.
I know people don’t like critique, but I am starting to hesitate reading the blog comments anymore because of the Sandra Hutchens posting pollution I find there. David began this site to encourage guys like me (and I’m sure girls like you) that we don’t have to give up on ourselves because it is never to let to change how you think. I have known David off and on for the past ten months and he has been a source of inspiration for me, but his blog comment section, which I am actively trying to be a participant in is becomming a turn off for the reasons I stated above.
Just airing my concerns before I get to my real comment.
David, I am guilty of the friend zone attitude and I have mastered it. I like your simple approach to making it past this attitude and I am going to implement the advice at my next opportunity. And to put it in perspective, I was in Borders the other day with a friend and we were having a good time and emoting good energy and like you teach, we wound up drawing others into our circle of excitement and I exchanged numbers with a woman in the bookstore. She invited me to her writer’s group and I am going to take her up on it rather than run and hide like I normally would. I actually prefer being a friend first but I do want to know that I am confident enough to move past the friendship zone. The last person I “fell” for, felt the same way. She had some difficult situations in the past and she told me at one time that all of her boyfriends were her friends first. I passed all of her friends tests and then when I thought it was time to move out of the friends zone I sabotaged all that I had carefully built up with hanging out with her. It’s a little longer story than that, but I see now that I was too negative about how I approached the dating aspect of our connection and she picked up on the fear and didn’t feel comfortable with us dating. Of course, I was a little too honest with her and that might have hurt, but that is really the advice I am trying to get out of you and possibly Khiem.
Without airing all my secrets on the blog, how do I tell someone about my experience without completely freaking them out at the same time. I am a very confident strong person in work and in my leisure time, but when it comes to dating I am a wreck (hence one ofthe reasons I found David). I know a lot of it is internalized, but I am afraid of the rejection based on my previous experience with relationships and that the people I date and meet won’t understand.
Any ideas?
Mike
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David
I want to let you know something and I do know that you read your blogs. If I am talking to another woman and she is having relationship problems sometimes I will bring up hey you know that I am blogging or emailing this guy about relationships and we will discuss them. You are one hell of a guy and I would recommend you to anyone that needs relationship help. Keep up the good work and no matter what others may say. What I have learned from you has helped me to focus on a man’s body language and what it maybe telling me in return I will test the waters to see what will take place but once I see that he is going to be distant and withdrawn from it I change my attitude. It does work.
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David
Your Are The Best
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Question: How do you make your intentions clear to the girl that you’re asking her out?
Like I’ve said things such as “You know what… I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone.” But the girl was so comfortable with me that she just agreed without considering it anything special. Then when I tried to make a move, my real intentions suddenly hit her and she was caught off guard.
So how do I act initially in order to prevent such murkiness in the future? Or is it better to do what I did and plow through the awkwardness anyways.
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M
You have some valid points here.
I want people to feel free to post but i also want people to try to stay on topic and share there thoughts.
I set the blog up so everyone can participate and be free and open.
I ask one thing of everyone.
Please respect each other and if you feel the need to call someone out by all means go for it!!!
I also ask when you are all posting lets try to stay on topic.
I post the blogs so we can open up the topic of the day.
IT really helps when we go deeper into todays topic.
Thanks
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Sandra,
The counseling advice David and I give is very specific to the situation the client is experiencing. There’s no one size fits all type of advice. For a good answer, we need details on the situation.
As far as the newsletter topic goes, it has nothing to do with the blog David wrote about so I won’t comment but know that no matter what the issue is, all relationship problems stem from a miscommunication, a misperception of what is really happening from one or both parties involved. As such, gather information, confront each other if needs be, or learn to communicate as authentically as you can to avoid these problems and things will sort themselves out.
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Mike,
You tell people of your previous experiences by owning it. Don’t say it out of fear. Say it out of sharing the things you’ve learned or the things you feel.
I’m sure the women you’ve met have felt similar emotions before. So they can relate to you.
However, there’s a time and place to do so.
And as far as your fear of rejection goes, get over it. I know it sounds harsh but… in the end, you are a great guy. Do you really believe that?
Most people (and marketers included) try to tell you you aren’t good enough for x, for y or for z, when deep inside, all you have to realize is… YOU are GOOD ENOUGH.
So embrace yourself… and don’t be afraid to open up and express yourself powerfully.
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Taras,
Are you flirting? Are you showing sexual interest in her?
If you aren’t asking the girl out specifically on a date (since that’s how most young people do it now), you have to show sexual interest in the way you are flirting with her, in the way you look at her, in the way you talk to her, in the way you touch her.
If she got freaked out… it’s because you never set the tone for romantic interest.
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David
When you said that M had some good points there what did you mean?
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Kheim and David
I do agree with both of you. Oh Kheim back in the past I may have had those problems but today I live my truths. I am not like that anymore. Oh to add to this blog:
What I have done is allow myself time to get to know this one individual. And today him and I are close friends he did not sell himself to me he was gentlemen. I allowed him the time and space to get to know me in all things and vica versa.
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I just wrote a great post continuing my conversation with Khiem and it crashed on me. Grr.
I’ll wait until tomorrow and hope it relates to what I am saying.
Sandra,
Without being inside David’s mind, he means that I have a right to be annoyed about your use of this comment space, but you also have every right to express yourself how you see fit. He was acknowledging that he heard me, but wants me to know that you are free to continue what you are doing if that is how you want to use his blog space.
This is why we need a message board.
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M
email me at angelmouse@bellsoth.net ok off the blog I don’t mind. That is what I do with David and Kheim if you notice in one of the blogs I said to Kheim email the rest that is where they hear me not on David’s blog ok.
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Sandra,
I am not emailing you. Based on your posts, I don’t want the hassle. It’s okay. I’ll move on and talk to David in person or through his email if I want to comment on his blog.
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The floor is all yours, since you need the attention more than I do.
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In a perfect world we would discuss each days topics in greater depth till we exhaust the subject!!!
But since we do not live in a perfect world and if we did i would not be typing right now.
I would be traveling the world without a care in my mind:)
So back to reality!!!
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M
I did that to respect David’s blog actually between work and taking care of my family I don’t really have that much time to blog. But no offense taken.
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David
In la la land is where we stay and I guess that is a perfect place to be when you are with the right person hey. Now back to your blog
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I love a good blog fight. It makes it very interesting reads
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Reynolds
lmao
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Hey All
Happy fucking New Year!!!!
You know i love to see people get into each others minds.
I like this posting today.
Sandra Dear how do you feel about todays blog?
M how do you really feel about Sandra.
I feel that Sandra is trying to teach us something and that is not why we are here.
We are all about learning about dating from the master himself and add to the comments of the day.
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good one Khiem:)
this blog hits the spot. (no pun intended)
Those are some key elements to succeed not just dating but also in other areas of life.
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Rey:
if you like a good blog fight, and to spice it up, I like to talk to “horny Lisa”
btw…where in the world is “Horny Lisa”?
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Sandra,
As much as I like to see new comments on the blog, the comments section is not the place for you to recount every realizations or every adventures you’ve had in your life or for you to explain yourself to every person.
It’s good to share what we feel and what we think about… but I feel that a lot of your comments try to challenge the very things David or I say. Are you trying to give out your own advice here?
When you write: “Did you know that giving a man an ultimatium is a sure way to get rid of him?”, how am I supposed to read your comment? Are you trying to question or challenge me?
For someone who’s busy with work and kids, you write in the comments more than anyone I’ve seen through here.
As someone said before, we like people to write. We like people to share their own stories but we all appreciate it if you could consolidate your comments. Instead of writing a stream of them, share with us what’s most important to you within 3-5 of them.
M,
Please don’t feel hesitant in posting in here as well. I like to see a variety of opinions in the comments section. Let’s all play along
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Hi And Howdieee Dr. Bob Remember Minnie Pearl Who knows maybe you have been to the Music City USA!!
I spend time with these hillbilly Tennesseeans until I dream of California. Hey that may not be a bad idea for I know if I live there my daughter will not grow up. Today’s blog is like all David’s blogs I Love Them especially one of his podcasts that reminded of a time and what I did to this certain person I care about.
Maybe one day David would like to come to Nashville Tennessee and have a boot camp with the women folk here and enjoy our city along with u Dr. Bob and
HAPPY FUCKING YEAR TO YOU ALSO
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kheim
I believe Dr. Bob put me straight hey I would like to meet that guy and I think David and I have made up and also M and I made up. So your tooooooo laaattteeee!
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It seems Dr Bob always has a way with words!!!
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Yakub
Always great to hear your thoughts on this.
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Sandra
Bob is a very wiseman and i love Nashville!!
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Rey
You are wise beyond your years and get your ass back in the office!
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Kheim
What did u say about the past. Practice what you preach and another thing if u and the rest of them would not have called me out then maybe David would not have so many blogs by me on this post and another thing I do have a right to defend myself either it be on the blog or in real life.
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Sandra
I like when people express there thoughts. Free will is what the blog is all about! But i always spend a lot of time picking the days subject and i really enjoy when people debate the topic of the day.
This way when i write a follow up down the road i have more information and can go even deeper into the topic.
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Wait, wait, everyone here is either a Coach or a Dr? I feel worthless…
Interesting blog, as I had many times viewed things from a macho-culture upbringing, so in the past, I would have considered these boyfriend anhiliation techniques as sneeky/ball-ess. But granted, I have a very poor history of converting female friends to GF’s, since once rejected, I have not been able to take it to a LJBF level. So perhaps, I could join the Dark Side…
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Ok guys this is the last post of the evening ok: Forgive me David but I have to get this out.
Hear me out:
Kheim I hear from you forget about the past and go on with life
David said we can post here as many times as we like.
If you want to set an example of what u preach then when you talk the talk can u walk the walk. I don’t care about what happened 10 minutes ago that is history now everytime I try to do something on my computer am I going to have to stop and answer what the hell you all complaints about me no. I can ignore you like I do the rest of my email anytime any of you call me out I feel like you are challenging me so in turn I will defend myself.
No be the example like David if you are going to coach someone be the example you are preaching fyi only person I will follow the example in this life is God Almighty for he will not forsaken me. Done deal get over it. All has been said and done. Leave me alone for the rest of the evening and don’t call me anymore.
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J Dude
My girlfriend now was once a friend of mine.
Its about going in with no expectations and not playing someone so you get them.
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And J
I never ever get rejected….its all mindset and using that word gives your power away.
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Dr. Bob …. Oh, how I’ve missed you!
It’s great to see you back:)
This has been a very interesting string of posts today…lots of action back here. Just tells ya what you might be missing if you’re not checking in here regularly:)
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Sandra,
Forgive me if you thought I was criticizing you. I am definitely not telling you to NOT write, I’m just encouraging you to consolidate.
I am not bringing up anything from the past at all. I’m making an observation so please don’t take this so personally.
Best,
~Khiem.
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David,
I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for those 2 little responses… they made a lot of sense to me.
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J
Glad i could be of help to you!!
happy new year to you.
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Kristen
Glad to hear from you.
I hear that you hear things sometimes and have a really keen 6th sense,
Thats the word on the street here in Bob land
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DW,
Happy New Year to you too! And to your friends Khiem and Yakub.
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good one J-dude, ur right everyone is either coach or dr.
its a new year you could be anything you want.
who would you want to be beside gynecologist?
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Happy New Year to you too J-DUDE!!
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Dr Bob,
Could you call me Dr too? What about… Dr J?
Good to hear about your Transformer story… friend to GF.
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OK Yakub, just before I go the Gym… do you realize you look like Tiger Woods?
Who do I want to be? Angelina Joulie’s nanny!
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me…….Tiger Woods:)
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Dan peeking inside…..Is Sandra done today??
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Holly cow!!
I made several mistakes like this and never asked a girl out. This blog really talked about my past life.
1) Don’t sell yourself. I agree with you in this. Alot of men and even myself made the same mistake. People beleive that if you give a girl a little comfort, then she will be attracted to you. She will think of you as a man whose always available for her when she needs it. Folks no matter how much you like a woman, you need to give a little space and get respected. Based on my experience, if you show a person that you are available whenever he/she needs you, then they think of you as an idiot. I recently had this experience. I thought, I was in love with her and instead spending time getting to know her. I said I love you. I emailed david and explained the whole situation. Now I have no regrets and finally understood the concept. Secondly, you need to spend a while with someone whom you are attracted to and wanna get to know them. Who are they, what they are all about. No matter how hot that woman is if you don’t have a good chemistry then you are waisting your own time.
2) Be patient. Folks, if she is dating with someone else then obviously you just have to be friends with them, there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept the reality. You can create connections both mentally and emotionally, but as long as you are in control and don’t act like a cocky all the time.
3) Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Act normal, ok. If you like her, just tell her or ask her out. What is she going to say, NO? Thats it. Who cares, move on. There are tons of girls are waiting for you.
As far as Dirty talk goes, I wanna try this some day.
Arite, enjoy the rest of the week!!!
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All I can say is I miss horny Lisa so much….and instead we got Sandra:-)
I got in the friend zone so much in my young days I felt like I was the only franchisee out there of this “businesss”….But patience was never my virtue…but working on it.
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Dr. Bob,
I will ignore your sarcasm because I love you… but ironically your ear to the ground is quite astute… I DO hear things and, to use your Peter Brady speak, my 6th sense is very keen!
Hope you won’t be such a stranger on here!
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I am so happy. I now look like david.
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Thanks D. always pleasure to be here, and spread the Gospel!
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Yakub
I was thinking the same thing what ever happened to horny lisa.
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how do you guys put the picture next to your name?
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J
You think Yakub looks like Tiger Woods that is really funny!!!
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I think Horny Lisa now found the love of her life, she will be missed, i miss naughty talking to her:)
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I don’t know…I bet Horny Lisa might make an appearance. One never knows — maybe she can sense (with HER 6th sense) that all you fellas are pining to hear from her:)
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ya Kristen either her 6th sense or the next Full Moon, when is the next full moon?
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For Horny Lisa, I would imagine EVERY night is a full moon
And BTW Yakub, now that someone mentions it and I thought about it I have to agree… You DO look like Tiger Woods:) That is funny:)
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If she is dating someone else you could go ahead and ask how serious it is. Not everyone dates just one person at a time….
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Sandra, no offense but half the time I don’t even understand what you are trying to say because it is completely off subject. I have asked a question or two here before as well, but you seem to hijack the blog quite often. Not cool.
Now I’m guilty of multiple posts…..
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Ya Kristen, ur right every night should be Full moon for her:)
thats too funny eveveryone is saying that:)
anyhow, i am out to the gym….fun chatting with everyone tonight!
we need to do that more often.
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“…if you show a person that you are available whenever he/she needs you, then they think of you as an idiot.”
Is it a big turn-off and what is the ‘correct attitude’ to attract them?
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Well my point is that you have to show your importance as well. People just use you in the 21st century. This happend to me few times. I thought this strategy to be useful to attract women that if I am available for her then she will be attracted to me and think of me that I care about her. I finally learned my lesson when my friend told me that this women actually think of you as an idiot. She doesn’t like you. She is using you.
For example: Lets say you have plans for tomorrow night with friends. Next morning (girl that you are dating right now) calls you and ask to meet you the same night. My point is that you should not cancel your appointments to meet her. You shouldn’t let her take control of you.
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get it
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After all of today’s verbal diarrhea, did we lose the thought of the day?
Sounds like the real message was “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
Thanks for the reminder.
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Hey, now this blog took ages to read (I enjoy reading the comments). just wantedto say that I really enjoyed this blog thought it was interesting and incredibly relavent to my friends situation I’ll be passing on the advice. So on behalf of my friend thank you in advance David!
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Oh wow all the comments today! It has taken me at least 30 minutes but I have to admit it has been fun to read! Khiem – I agreed with your advice to Sandra in the 2nd post. I thought it was a great way to touch on that “forever” topic that does float in our minds, I must admit. You are right though, things change. Most of the guys I know right now are in my friend zone just because I am not ready for anything more than that. I do feel like I am missing out on really living life to the fullest but don’t feel ready to go beyond hanging out. I guess I don’t feel like I trust myself right now to make good choices in the dating arena and would let my wanderlust guide me instead of my head. Or maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know. Maybe I should just let go and try to date and see where that leads. Maybe I have been holding on to the past too much. Hmmm…. should I really take advantage of the time right now in the present or wait until I feel I am truly ready? Is there ever a “truly ready” time?
Sandra, Khiem has given you some really good advice for you.
Dr. Bob — your comment was great! Right on time!
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Wow .. after reading all that I forgot what I wanted to share haha . Ill just post this anyways so that I can add to this record holding blog.
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this long debate is interesting!
but honestly, i think getting out of the friend zone is a waste of time!
if you can invest all that energy into converting a friend into a girlfriend,
why not just put in the time and find a real girlfriend and keep the friend that you have : )
i used to want to get out of the friend zone, but as i spend more time with David,
i realize the whole “surprise i have a dick!” thing is not really that fun !
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Rey: You cannot use David’s icon as your own icon, only David can use his picture as his icon.
Speaking of fights, when are you joining us for the next UFC fight?
Khiem: I agree with most of everything you typed in your comments. Those are all valid points about being focused in the present. Good advice. Thanks.
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oh Daniel, i post on David’s computer so there’s a little confusion :p
and i’m up for the next UFC fight, and i’m still pissed that silva got knocked out on his last fight!!!!!
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“As much as I like to see new comments on the blog, the comments section is not the place for you to recount every realizations or every adventures you’ve had in your life or for you to explain yourself to every person.” Kheim— this made me chuckle!!!! WOW. You are a genius.
Yeah, Sandra. It’s hard for me to understand you especially with your typing style. Oh well. I know you love David so much with every fibre in your being.
P.S.
I talked about how I religiously read David Wygant’s blogs in Mass Media and Society class
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Khiem – I’m with Britta on all counts. Maybe if more people hung out with you guys, we’d all be better off for it. Thanks.
And by the way, Rey – Silva just wasn’t looking as strong as in the past so he couldn’t win this last one – sorry! As a big UFC fan, trust me on this.
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This was a good blog, which I had to revisit. I think the main theme is to stay friends w someone you are attracted to, not act like a hurt puppy, not stop living your life and see what the future brings w your friend or a different girl. I think the mistake would be to make frinds with “that” girl and then sit on your butt, not pursuing any other women.
And about UFC… Wanderlei Silva is showing bad defense, not ducking his chin while fighting at all, throwing punches in wild loops, while Rampage has learned over the years to strike and guard as a boxer. I did want Silva to win though.
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This blog is almost scarey (not referring to Sandra here), it just keeps getting better and better. In the past 2 weeks I’ve been in my own movie with a wonderful man. We worked together 3 years ago, and he was married and me divorced. We talked as friends most every day at work, and then he would leave and I would ask my friend, “why are all the good guys married?”
Fast forward 3 years, and I pay for 1 month on Personals for the last time, with no expectations of finding Mr. Right. Then I get an e-mail from the work guy, and it has been awesome ever since! He is now divorced and available. We’ve been totally taken with each other, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We have so much in common; it is all so easy, I just feel like I’m in a dream and I don’t want to wake up.
So… David, I am living a romantic movie and it is fantastic!
And… Dantheoriginal, yes, I’m on dopamine, at least for the first 3 months, but who cares.
It’s one day at a time, and I am still in wonderment that someone I had a “work crush” on, and could only be my friend has found me and things are going so unbelievably well. I hope everyone can find this in their life one day. I never thought it would happen to me, and just as I was giving up, here he is! Life is very good. I cannot emphasize enough how important it was for me to finally accept myself and just BE myself. It has been good preparation for being ready when the “right one” comes along. I’ve come into this relationship confident and happy, and I think that is the best way to start a new relationship. We are both wearing the biggest smiles all day long, who would have thought?!
Ok, enough about me… back to you Sandra.
Sorry I didn’t have the time to do any stats on your blogging today, just not enough time. Stay positive Sandra, being an observer of life can be very rewarding and educational.
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Wow, 87 posts since yesterday. Now, for all of us who value and appreciate all the generous and poignant advice that David gives out for free, lets honor that by trying to get his comment space up to par on a daily basis. As long as it retains the value of the post. I’ll be doing my part. He gives us these gifts everyday and we need to honor that by expressing ourselves, especially here on his blog where we get to here his unqiue and powerful voice every day for free.
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“hear” how sloppy of me.
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I’m probably coming in at the tail end of this (and everyone’s stopped reading…) but what if you are the girl (as in me), you have a boyfriend but you are friends with someone and you *would* like it to become something more. I basically like/love my boyfriend but I adore spending time with this other guy. I actually don’t know what’s going on with him right now but we had been in really close contact.
But then my other dilemma as far as sex goes, I have been with my bf for six years and really didn’t date a lot before that, and I’m sort of scared at the idea of having sex with someone who actually has already told me that sex is really a big part of his life. I almost feel too ‘friendly’ to this guy and as much as I’m attracted to him, I’m also really fearful.
Lastly, I’ve gone on female sites and everyone jumps up and down and gets annoyed that i have a boyfriend and am flirting with another guy, but actually, my boyfriend is not necessarily opposed to this. I have also floated the idea with my boyfriend of taking a break. Alright! if anyone’s left, I’d be curious for your input.
And yes these topics that come up here always (well since I started reading a couple months ago) seem to be relevant and spot on and beautifully written and expressed (as in believing in yourself and appreciating life and all we have to offer!).
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This was a great blog this is what we love when people really get into this and let it all hang out.
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Rey
I cant agree more.
Some really juicy stuff here!!
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I need to really think more about what the last person said here.
That is some really stromg stuff.
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Flor
That was a great post.
I have to run out but will look into what you said in a bit
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Thank you, David, and Vick… (I wrote that just very off the cuff so hopefully it conveys the ‘gist’ without going into too much detail.)
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And of course just when I realized the whole scope of my issues, the guy may have met someone else or gotten back with an old girlfriend. But like you said, sometimes these things take awhile to come together – or maybe they don’t. (I -am- beating myself up a bit for my hesitation I must admit, although he hesitated too … but I’ve been so confused on what to do.) So maybe it’ll be him, maybe it’ll be someone else, maybe I’ll stay with my bf … I’d still be curious for your feedback on my initial post. Thanks.
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Wow! This blog had to have set a record for most posts! If anyone is keeping score, my post is number 99. Now thats a great discussion
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Joe
Actually last year we had a sex blog that i think hit 199 so we are a bit off.
Do you want to break the record at the start of the year.
We will have all that pressure to try to top this:)
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flor, speaking from a little more mature view point; I think you are kidding yourself. If you feel this way about your new old friend, you do not belong in a committed relationship with the current bf. It’s really just that simple. I don’t think you gave your age anywhere, but I suspect you are relatively young (no older than 30) In any case; you are obviously very young emotionally. So let me give you this advice. End the committed relationship, whether or not you get together with the new old friend. That doesn’t mean end contact with the bf. He should probably still be allowed to remain in the competition for your heart, but your current state of mind is trying to tell you that the bf is not truly the one. Don’t ever make the mistake of “settling”. I promise you that you will regret that for the rest of your life and you’ll never be truly happy. As they say, “Life is short.” And whoever said that really knew what the hell he was talking about (or she). Don’t be afraid to follow your heart, it is the best “happiness potential meter” you will ever have. It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole lot better than number two, which, of course, is your brain, specifically, your intellect. Don’t let people tell you that you are not using your head; that love is blind. Well, of course, you’re not using your head. (Didn’t I just say something like that?) For God’s sake, LOVE is all about emotion; the strongest emotion you should ever feel; when it arrives, it should be screaming at you! And if you are wrong, if I am wrong, and the new old friend is ultimately a mistake, trust me, in time your heart will tell you that, too. Naturally, there is no guaranty, there never is. People and circumstances can change. But, in my humble and mature opinion, this is still the best way to go. By the way, flor, I am 62 years old.
)) I wish you the best.
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lol, 199! So someone is keeping track. Yeah thats going to be tough to beat, but i’m sure all these people are up for the challenge
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Kheim
Have you ever heard of the expression when you stir up shit it only stinks worse so I backed out of the fight and since I don’t feel like I have to fight for space here. You are forgiven see it is sometimes hard to be a child of God. But you have been forgiven. Let us blog
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Dr. Bob
Come see me sometime ok u remind of someone that I hear on the radio each morning on Bob and Billy show on 105.9 here in Nashville you like speaking ur mind don’t u.
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I didn’t know that children of God would use four letter profane words so frequently.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>I didn’t know that children of God would use four letter profane words so frequently.
lol
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When I read flor’s comment my first thought was:
She is 3some material:-)
Flor, welcome and so nice to have you around here
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Dan
Let u in on a secret I am not responsible for the paths you chose to take in life nor the decisions u made. For when it comes to Lord Jesus we stand as one answering for our own sins. So that is on me what is on Kheim and the rest of you is on whoever. So let me add that is between me and God.
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Do u know what a spiritualist/protestant is: A spiritualist speaks and mediates 365 days a year to Lord Jesus and discusses with him how to improve their own lives. So be more concerned about ur own soul and salvation and less about others.
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Dan, really? I’m very normal (if that even exists). Do I seem extreme? I was on topic (for the most part) at least.
Maybe it’s too complex for a blog posting.
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Sandra
You are back i thought you were leaving us?
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Dan
Do you have 3 some on your mind this year?
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Gary
Great post by the way enjoyed reading it!!!!
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Dr Bob
You are always my favorite when are we going fishing?
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p.s. Dan, thanks for the welcome. I’ve learned a lot from reading the posts, and also the comments, in my time checking out this blog. In most other places, I think women are getting backwards information (it’s rarely about empowerment it seems to me … or feeling good about yourself but instead relies on rigid stereotypes) based on a very informal survey of women’s magazines (which I think haven’t altered their view and almost have gone backwards) and one popular female dating site I checked out. There are probably blogs now that are out of the mainstream that address this for women but, other than this one, I don’t know about them. So thanks David!
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David
Do you think u could be that lucky pet ol’ Dephne for me. I had to take a short breather from it all. I am back he he!
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David and Bob
Do you have fishing on the mind oh David I do remember why you are by the ocean the fresh smell of fish doesn’t it remind of you of a woman. Leave some of those fish in that sea for me and take a lot sea sick pills it will help along the way.
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Hi Gary, I just saw this(I scrolled down far amidst so many posts…). Thank you for your response. I actually am older than you think but maybe young emotionally – maybe ? – I don’t know. Partly, the thing is because of my lack of experiences in a sense, I keep thinking well maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel? But again I know what you’re saying is true about emotion, etc. I think maybe I haven’t given my ‘all’ to my current relationship and it would/could be different if I did but I should want to do that more, I think. We’re such good friends – my bf and I – and I don’t want to hurt him, or myself. When I floated the idea of taking a break, he wasn’t really open to that and thought that would basically be the end. Which maybe it would be. Also, so many of my friends have moved out of town or we’re not close anymore, he’s such an important part of my life. I can hear answers to what I’m saying as I write this
… I do hear what I’ve saying. I’ve had sort of lot of losses in my life, in a way — good things too amidst that of course!! — it’s hard for me to initiate which maybe is why I was trying to segue. I recognized I should figure out my current relationship first. But – and maybe this competitiveness or jealousy – when I think of my bf with someone else, other than me, I feel threatened. it’s all so complex. and yet maybe simple. I agree with your suggestion that I need to end my relationship. I feel untethered contemplating that because I have so much ‘up in the air’ and to figure out in my life. I will ruminate more on what you wrote and I do greatly appreciate it and think you are ’spot on.’ I wish you the best too.
From Gary:
flor, speaking from a little more mature view point; I think you are kidding yourself. If you feel this way about your new old friend, you do not belong in a committed relationship with the current bf. It’s really just that simple. I don’t think you gave your age anywhere, but I suspect you are relatively young (no older than 30) In any case; you are obviously very young emotionally. So let me give you this advice. End the committed relationship, whether or not you get together with the new old friend. That doesn’t mean end contact with the bf. He should probably still be allowed to remain in the competition for your heart, but your current state of mind is trying to tell you that the bf is not truly the one. Don’t ever make the mistake of “settling”. I promise you that you will regret that for the rest of your life and you’ll never be truly happy. As they say, “Life is short.” And whoever said that really knew what the hell he was talking about (or she). Don’t be afraid to follow your heart, it is the best “happiness potential meter” you will ever have. It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole lot better than number two, which, of course, is your brain, specifically, your intellect. Don’t let people tell you that you are not using your head; that love is blind. Well, of course, you’re not using your head. (Didn’t I just say something like that?) For God’s sake, LOVE is all about emotion; the strongest emotion you should ever feel; when it arrives, it should be screaming at you! And if you are wrong, if I am wrong, and the new old friend is ultimately a mistake, trust me, in time your heart will tell you that, too. Naturally, there is no guaranty, there never is. People and circumstances can change. But, in my humble and mature opinion, this is still the best way to go. By the way, flor, I am 62 years old.
)) I wish you the best.
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Somewhere I had read this: There was this woman who was engaged to this man and they had already planned the wedding and something kept telling her this is not going to work. So she finally broke up with him. She said this that her mind was telling her that she could make it work but her heart was telling her something else.
Flor:
follow your own heart don’t allow negativity to come or doubt for when it does something is telling you it may not work out in the long run. Take each day with one step at a time then the answer will come to you.
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My best to you Flor but the jealousy part I ran into that myself but as time passed I slowly got over it. It took me at least two years to get over my last husband because of the things we shared.
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I happen to be a strong willed woman for one of my ex deceased boyfriends told me this. You can bring yourself out of any situation and know how to deal with and go on with your life for I have faith in you.
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Thank you, Sandra. I appreciate your thoughts and support. And relaying of your own experience. I have to have faith in myself, it’s true. Right now, I’m doubting all my decisions. It seems all timing and maybe if I had done the ‘break’ when I first floated the idea, new old guy wouldn’t now (possibly) be with someone else. I know that that is not a good way to look at it ! but at the moment… Although I think I needed to know I was ending my relationship because – I – wanted to do it not because of this other guy which could go either way. So in that sense, it’s all a process. But thanks again.
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Flor
Your welcome but do what you think is best to do for you know more about your situation than I do. Have you ever heard of the song torn between two lovers feeling like a fool. It was sang back in the seventies when I was a teenager in high school. I pray all works out for you but rest assure been there and done that.
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Flor
You have really shared here and i appreciate that and have enjoyed reading your thoughts
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Thanks David. I feel as if I’m doing an intensive course in relationships and the various scenarios that go on around and within them. It’s a bit challenging.
Have you done any writing on ‘how do you know if it’s time to end your relationship?’ – to address one of the above. While I understood -and basically agree with – what Gary wrote, it’s not always so black & white. What if you really love/care about someone but it’s not the most passionate relationship in the world…? I know you write about having the most fulfilling, amazing relationship but not many people have that. So even tho’ I think the path, for me, is fairly clear … when I think about doing it, it seems less clear. Thanks.
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Hey, Flor – Sometimes the “grass is always greener on the other side” turns out to be the truth and sometimes we just use that as an excuse for getting out of the current relationship but we can’t do it without finding an unrelated excuse…like the old “it’s me, not you” crap when it really is the other person. And it may also be you and you just can’t admit it to yourself OR the other person. We make excuses – maybe to spare feelings and maybe to avoid responsibility.
We all grow and change over time and sometimes we outgrow each other or grow in different directions. It’s painful to tell someone that you love that you have doubts or fears or simply that whatever you had together has run its course. Ending any relationship, however casual or committed, in a civil manner can be difficult despite being adults. We do it poorly at best and often extremely badly. I count myself among that norm. You need to think about what you want in a relationship period, not just from the current boyfriend or the potential boyfriend. You have many more choices than those two so you need to start with yourself before you make any big decisions. Are all of the other recent things that changed in your life making you want to change everything else in your life that remained? Like the current boyfriend? Maybe you need to put all of the other issues to rest and then see if you still want to bail.
This evening at work, I just found out that another employee in an adjacent work group is stalking the former partner (that used to be in my work group) who now works at a different work site due to their break-up. Threats have been made against the former partner and family and a restraining order is in work. It’s difficult for those of us who know them both but there are too many people who go over the edge because honesty is lacking and the break-up was a complete surprise. The former partner has moved in with a new person and the old partner will go berserk if that becomes known. It’s a big company with its own professional security force but they can’t be everywhere. And stalking on company time or premises is a firing offense.
I tell you this not to scare you but because I am very mindful right now of what can happen when people have no clue. If you have issues, talk about them. Take your time. Get help. Don’t leave things until they are too big to reconcile. And don’t bet on the dark horse of unknown value just because you have other things going on in your life. Know what the real issue is. Then begin. And remember that just because you like “window-shopping” doesn’t mean that you have to buy it. Take care of yourself.
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Flor
This is some advice that my mom gave me years ago. This has to do with my first ex-husband and my high school sweetheart.
When I was teenager I was still immature and I knew that I loved two guys but I had to choose which one I wanted to be with most. My mom said be with the one you want and the other one will get the message. I did this and it worked. When we as people become intimate with someone it does hurt for awhile but we were given the ability to go on with life. Even though I have been married four times in the past let tell you a story. My first ex-husband has remarried now this is his fourth go around. When I first met her I thought to myself wow he has met a wild card. When his mom said that he was happy being with her even my daughter has said this it does not bother me I said I am happy that he has found the one that makes him happy. We divorced in 1983 if nothing has not happened throughout the years then it will not. Life can sometimes deal us a bad hand but we must go on. It is ok to love others but it is up to you to decide.
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Gary and K had some excellent posts here today!
Flor, thanks for sharing and allowing us to help.
Life is complex, there are no easy answers, everything is a process. It sounds like you just don’t want to be with your bf anymore. And I definitely can sympathize with this statement you made:
>>>>>>What if you really love/care about someone but it’s not the most passionate relationship in the world…?
Throw in a couple of adorable young kids in my case and the whole thing becomes even more complex:-)
It gets so complex that I am really trying hard to practice what the guys here coach…to live every day with passion, love yourself first and things will tend to take care of themselves.
David: The 3some will definitely happen this year. I am working on making it happen next month in Vegas….of course what will happen there, will stay there:-)
David: An idea for the blog: Have people email you with something titled “Blog Advice needed” and have them describe (just like what Flor did) their situation and you and us respond to it…that saves you from writing yet another blog when you are short of ideas or too tired from exercise with your gf:-)
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Dan
That is a wonderful idea but David’s blogs wont hit the high number if we sometimes go off the beaten path of life. We learn from one another and maybe this is the way for us to say HELP!
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If we think about it I bet David get over xxx amount of email each day from certain ones that he may not get to read at that time. So the only way I can say David help me please is use the blog area so he can see or read my blog and say hey email me.
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i must said these blogs is Damn Fantastic ever david !!!! i enjoy reading it and i like the paticular words you said all the time
” Played it too Safe” and “Dating takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of perseverance” this is the key words really.
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Hi K, very good advice you give here. It’s almost as if the more I think about this, the more confused I get. If new guy hadn’t entered the picture, I would probably be thinking that this relationship was fine. It was only when I got a glimpse of a different way of relating with someone that I realized certain things that are definitely missing. But, at this time, I’m filled with doubt about my own abilities to make decisions.
You wrote many sage things including:
<>
The things that changed in my life aren’t really recent, that’s over the years so they are not a catalyst for any changes now. I guess the thing I realize is to have such feelings for another person while you are with a different person is telling. But now I’m thinking, why didn’t I realize that sooner? (I know it’s not just about these ‘two’ but it doesn’t happen everyday this kind of connection I had with ‘new old guy’ as Gary termed him.) And I agree that it’s about working on myself and figuring out what I want in a relationship. I really don’t want to hurt my bf … but I also don’t want to hurt myself. I understand what you are saying about the scary work ’stalker’ situation you encountered and being upfront about things. I have discussed my needs and concerns with my bf and so he has some idea but I think he thinks I’ve moved past it. I will need to have a conversation. Thanks much.
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Don’t know why that didn’t copy but this is K’s words that I thought were sage (among many):
***You need to think about what you want in a relationship period, not just from the current boyfriend or the potential boyfriend. You have many more choices than those two so you need to start with yourself before you make any big decisions. Are all of the other recent things that changed in your life making you want to change everything else in your life that remained? Like the current boyfriend? Maybe you need to put all of the other issues to rest and then see if you still want to bail.***
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Dan
I agree with you on that there are times like myself when I need the explanation from a man. To see what he thinks about the situation. Me as a woman I can talk to women all day but we have our own sermons about guys in particular. But when they are kids involved it makes you wonder. Dan we all love our children for they are God’s little wonders. I call mine mommas baby girls.
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K
Thanks for helping our woman Flor. I do agree with ur comment. Maybe some of us do need to move on. I myself have heard tales but too lengthy to put here. Maybe u and I need to compare notes the ones I have been told would make lyao.
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I forgot to thank Dan and Gary I agree with ur posts as well. Gary reminded me of something my brother told me years ago.
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Hi Sandra, I do remember that song “torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool.”
… “be with the one you want” – the advice from your mom is good. For me, one of them is a big variable at the moment so … it’s not entirely up to ME. And I’m glad you were able to deal with your ex-husband and his new wife. It’s true I am looking at it as all so vast and daunting but if I saw my bf with a new gal, I guess I’d just deal. He said when I broached taking a break that everything could change during that time and not to decide “cavalierly.” So he got me doubting myself! Although he has some really great qualities and we’re very close so this is very hard. Thanks for your thoughts.
*************
Hi Dan, thanks. everything -is- a process, isn’t it? I don’t know if I’d say it’s that I just don’t want to be with my bf — if I felt that clear about it, I could do that. It’s many years, it’s a deep friendship, and he’s been there for me when I had almost no one else to turn to. I’m hesitant to remove this big presence in my life, but at the same time, I think I stopped creating new friendships and life things because of that/him – but then that was my choice so I can’t blame him for that. ! That’s why i felt taking a break might be a good solution. He looms so large in my life right now.
As for your situation, hmmm… it’s great that you have adorable children but of course you want your main relationship to be great also. I hope that you can find whatever is the best resolution to your situation. And, yes, the advice here would definitely help … doing the day to day and working on yourself, self-love, etc. I know a lot of times people stay in marriages because of children and don’t want to disrupt their lives but I always feel like deep down they know. I’m sure I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before or thought about. I wish you the best of luck !
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ok.. sorry to my fellow women out there.. Please don’t send hate comments, its just my opinion…but reading all this over dramatized banter is exhausting… The bottom line…the vast majority of guys you date you will never marry.. so relax and have fun!!! Stop trying to look for the hidden meaning in everything, sometimes there just isnt any… You never date multiple ppl and feel the same about them.. there is always a front runner…. Stop living in your head and get out there and have a blast!!!! You miss one bus there is always another one coming….. I can see why guys think we are nuts!!!
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Hi Tee, thanks for sharing. Name one person (maybe you?) who doesn’t belabor a relationship or two or three. I hear what you are saying and you make good points. But some of us – perhaps unnecessarily – need to hash things out in different ways and forums. I agree, it could all be abbreviated, perhaps it is “over dramatized” BUT ya know the guys hear talk through their things too. It’s not just the gals ! But I like your attitude about getting out there, not living in your head and the buses.
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Tee
I want everyone to read this quote.
The bottom line…the vast majority of guys you date you will never marry.. so relax and have fun!!! Stop trying to look for the hidden meaning in everything, sometimes there just isnt any… You never date multiple ppl and feel the same about them.. there is always a front runner…. Stop living in your head and get out there and have a blast!!!
That sums up life in so many ways.
I tell guys all the time in the bootcamps this as well as one other tidbit.
99% of the people you approach and talk to, you will never see again so why not talk to someone what do you have to lose?
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Tee
Your quote is the quote of the day!!!!!!
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Whats up David, Khiem, Taras!
Forgive me father(David) for I have sinned. I recently just met a girl and had developed a friendship over a month and a half , we hanged out just about every day bonding over eating
and fitness , however, she had told me midway that were only friends despite us doing everything together which felt like a couples relationship. I began to push for more. Now she is not hanging out with me because she feels I only ever wanted to get lucky but not genuinely be a friend which I totally am.I’m having a tough time trying to let her know I really care about her. I guess I got to excited I made couple mistakes I knew from what I learned from the lessons and bootcamp like being too available, hanging out too much.
Sorry David I let you down:(.
It sucks because I miss just having fun with her and all the things we did.
So what I learned is to give a relationship breathing room and just be more patient and to not push, to be less available regardless of how convienent to create that yearning to want hangout more stronger. I also learned if this is someone you genuinely care for never try to take it to physical level unless there is an absolute mutual feeling for it.
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Hey Jamie,
Glad to hear from you.
I want to make sure you guys understand something important though. A lot of people are saying to NOT be too available. That’s not true. You can be as available as you want but you have to put your needs first and give breathing room for both parties to retain their individuality.
When you guys say: don’t be too available, it sounds like you are playing games and that’s not how solid relationships are built on.
As far as you not pushing for the physical, it really depends on what you want. If you know you like her as a girlfriend, she has to know that from the beginning that you liked her on a romantic level.
If you go suddenly from greatest cool friend… and switch gears on her and push for physical intimacy, it will freak her out. “Where does THAT come from?” she’ll be wondering.
You have to flirt with the girl from the beginning if you feel you may like her as a girlfriend.
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Yeah Khiem did alot of flirting by alot of teasing and sexual innuendo jokes, which she found entertaining and had alot of sexual topics talk and even deep history. Does that count? I also told her at the beginning that I “like” her but if she justs wants to be friends that is fine. Then we hubg for almost almost 2 straight months. I knew how to portray interest and to compliment her personality traits and her beautiful heart. I made the mistake of trying to kiss her one night while watching the meteor shower, she said from then on I was only in it for something and to be her friend, which is horribly untrue. I always wanted to know is it ok to have serious talks over the phone or does that allow for more unrealness? I want to talk to her in person but right now she is being stand off-ish and I don’t want to bug her to the point she doesn’t speak to me again.
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Thanks David… Big honor!!! I’ve actually learned a thing or 2 along the way (with your help of course).. Yeah me!
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**hung out. -1 almost
Is there any ladies out there who were turned by an informal thing such as a letter, email, text, voicemail, if so why?
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**and not trying to be her friend
Damn those mistakes
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Jaime,
What would be worse of these two?
1- You make it crystal clear you want her sexually, and she doesn’t want to, and she stops been your friend
2- You stay ambiguous, don’t get her, and find out months later that she would have given you the Pink Taco, if you showed her you wanted her bad enough, even though she kep talking about friendship.
Dude, just tell her you ARE her friend, but that you lay awake at night thinking of the things you would to her.
This reminds me of a friend years ago, going through something similar. I told him “dude, you are in her place all the time, she invites you again, she teases you abut friendship/no lover… drop your pants off and observe her reaction. IN HIS CASE, it worked, they became lovers”.
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This is the blog that just never ends:-)
Flor, maybe it’s the sex with your bf that is lame that you are exploring possibilities with the “new guy”?
And, yes, deep down I know….and I am coping. Can’t wait for Vegas:-)
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Did I miss something about Vegas?
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jamie
You need to learn how to be patient you know what i am saying to you my friend.
maybe you should have made her one of your shakes!!
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J
I am all about being upfront.
We waste so much time thinking and wondering what to say.
Just do it and good advice thanks for the words to Jamie
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Tee
Glad that you learned some great things!!
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I want to share something with all of you…..working on something now that will really blow you all away.
Let me finish gathering my thoughts and I will post soon
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Hey Tee —
Congrats on getting “quote of the day!”
I agree that you hit on something that is one of the most important things everyone can get in their head when they are trying to meet people, i.e., most of the people you will meet will NOT turn out to be a true connection for us (for WHATEVER reason)…
This goes with David telling people to be outcome INdependent… So many of us put too much focus on each single encounter and date and relationship — and make assumptions about our prospects and our lives based on these.
The truth is that we should just enjoy each good moment, learn from the unpleasant ones, and know that each person we meet who doesn’t end up being a connection for us is just part of our path to finding the one who does!
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Hey Flor,
I hear a few things in your post (well, your original one)…
When you say you and your boyfriend have talked about taking a break — is that because things are not going that well between the two of you, or because your boyfriend knows you have an interest in this other male friend of yours?
My suspicion is that while I believe you do love your boyfriend, that you must feel like there’s something missing if you are having eyes and feelings and attraction directed in this male friend’s direction. I would also wonder how you would feel about this male friend if you were single…
Perhaps the only way to find out is to take that break with your boyfriend so you can see if you have genuine feelings for this male friend (or if the interest is just a symptom of your discontent with your boyfriend).
Just my thoughts though
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Sandra,
maybe i missed something but your fish comments to david sound a little creepy…
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Dr. Bob –
You ARE the man… and I would love to know how you got David into fishing! And if you two do go, please make sure to take some photos…I would kill to see david in a flannel shirt and those rubber overall pants!
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Khiem — I agree 100% with you about flirting with a girl right from the get-go. I know that if a guy doesn’t, I put him squarely in the “friend” file in my head.
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am i the only one who caught this little part of one of Sandra’s many, many, many posts? where she started a comment with”I happen to be a strong willed woman for one of my ex deceased boyfriends told me this…”
sandra how many of your ex boyfriends are deceased???? i dont know whether to feel a little scared of u
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I wanted to say DW that I FINALLY understand what the FUN is that you keep talking about in dating! And I FINALLY understand the FUN I am supposed to have everyday! I get this because someone that makes me laugh and feel good texted me a lot yesterday. It was a FUN conversation and I really enjoyed it so much! I understand what you meant by the “I want more” blog. Now I just want to keep having fun conversations like that with guys I am interested in. That was fun and made me laugh! I hope he enjoyed it as much because he texted me again today! I want to get bold now and move it beyond texting but don’t want to push. I’ll have to go back & read that blog about that you posted awhile ago.
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Just wanted to post a reply to the guys stressing not to be too available. That is somewhat true…don’t drop everything to be with her every time she calls. But please also keep in mind that if you are NEVER available we are going to think you are just not interested and will move on.
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Flor
You know something u r right it is not all up to you. It takes two to tango that is a decision that is made between two people. I was thinking the answer you are seeking is within yourself. We all go through these things in life. But what my theory is did you know a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I can’t tell you what to do for you are a grown woman. But in time you will find what u r looking for. I pray all works out for you.
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Jamie/Taz
A question here do you have physical and emotional attractions for this girl? Does she wake up the inward/outward feelings that you have for her? If she does there may be a connection. Also it depends on the age range and what her mom taught her.
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Jamie/Taz
I know about the inward/outward feelings of a man. One of my exes taught me this.
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Did i hear my name being mentioned? Wow i am flattered:)
I have one question – dr. bob are you single?
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Dan
We are trying to make a record here wanna join. Hope you have a great time in Vegas and don’t forget us here on the blog if u hit the jackpot. lol
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Sandra
What did one of your exes teach you. I think that would make a great discussion
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Horny Lisa
Back with a bang to start the new year?
Have not seen you around in some time and I know Yakub misses you
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Tee
The curtain rises and now take a bow and congrats for the quote of the day! Three cheers go up for u. But I forgot something the popping of the champayne.
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Jen
Very good point too much aloof will push someone away
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Gabrielle
That i want more blog had to do with the way I felt with my girlfriend when we first started dating. Though you will pick up some great things from that as well.
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yes david i never let the new year come without a bang
do you think you and dr. bob might let me join you on your upcoming fishing trip? i’d be happy too keep dr. bob out of trouble
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Shawn
I did not pick that part up……..Sandra can you elaborate on what shawn asked? Since we seem to have no problem getting personal.
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Amanda
So what? David knows what I mean. Fish smell like that of a woman’s private area when a guy has oral sex with her. Sorry I had to draw you a picture.
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Amanda
Did i miss something else.
The fish comments….I try to catch as much as I can
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Sandra
Not most of the women I have been with. I now know the comment and really a woman does not have to smell like fish if she keeps herself clean.
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Shawn
To answer ur question two one died on the way home from a friends house in a terrible automobile wreck in Nashville while they were doing construction on the interstate and it was raining. And the other died of a heart attack and I found out about the second one when I lived in Virginia
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Do i hear women talking about bad smelling fish pussy. what did i miss here?
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Shawn
U asked and ye shall receive ever heard the song Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison watch in on you tube.com It is the ballad of me and the first one. The song the first one said was his true feelings for is Rod Stewart’s Forever Young. If interested watch both on you tube.com
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Hello Lisa
Damm girl did i miss you but look at sandra here. We are now at an all time low talking about female hygiene.
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David
Do you think you can write ablog on female hygiene. ANd that is not what i meant by going fishing!!!
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Bob
Can i join that fishing trip? This is way too funny!!!
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well hello dr. bob:)
i must say everytime you write i want to meet you more. you have a very powerful air about you
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oh and david i agree with dr. bob…sandra’s assumption that there should be any fish-related odors in that area ever tells me that she is desperately in need of such a blog being written
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Horny Lisa
Welcome we need to get to know each other. They say you are one hell of a broad. lol
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so dr. bob, if you missed me when do we get to catch up?
oh and yakub i just looked back at the earlier comments and must say you have made me smile – although just so you know i dont need a full moon to be horny:)
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sandra
well i think its more accurate to say that the fellas think im one hell of a horny broad
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David
Ok if you want me to get personal on the blog u asked now I will share.
When a man has an erection and it is an outward feeling then that is for show. But there is also an inward feeling that a man has also that is what makes his sexual intercourse feel great. He also told me that a guy will feel tingly all over. David we were into having a lot of sex toys also and into porn. He also told me if a man will wait on the woman he wants then the sexual pleasure is more interesting than to go ahead and have sex with her.
Now you all know. This was my last husband.
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David
Shawn was questioning me about how many of the deceased boyfriends I had? And that he might want to be leary of me.
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David
Ur right a woman needs to keep that clean especially. How about the guys when they want to come home all sweaty. Hey I have seen some guys that have not taken a bath in months. That is a red flag and half. Hey I keep my clean for I am faithful to a bath every night.
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Hey Vick
You must have fell asleep on the job man I cant keep up with them either. lol
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Sandra
Did you enjoy all the sex toys? What about the porn? This may start a whole new topic
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Dr. Bob
How do u know and stop telling our secrets man. There are some men I wonder
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Sandra
All guys need to keep there balls and whole groin area clean. You have seen guys that have not bathed in months,….now that is scary
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It sounds like Dr. Bob and Horny Lisa need some alone time do you two want me to leave the room. lol
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Horny Lisa
Howl at the moon uh. How about just riding a nice cowboy. lol
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I feel like I am doing a yahoo chat session.
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ok i don’t think i can handle hearing about anyone who hasnt bathed in months (let alone in days) which makes me want to be sick while simultaneously hearing david bring up sex toys and porn which make me feel something totally different.
well at least one of those last two things is always welcome in horny lisa’s bedroom:)
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Horny Lisa
All the guys call me the Prick Tease. Cause I love a challenge and let me tell you I will take on any cowboy that wants to ride a cowgirl. At least I know how to make it wink at me.
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David
We had our share of sex toys from cock pumps, to dildo him and I were into aphroditiacs. Well the porn as long as there are guys in it I will watch it.
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David
When u seen one you seen them all.
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well apparently you dont miss me like you said.
maybe sandra has caught his fancy.
too bad, dr. bob. would have loved to tell you how much ive missed you
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David
That is true. If a woman does not clean herself very well she can come up with infections and it can also cause cancer that is why we need to keep ourselves in check with a gynocologist just to make sure we are still normal in that area. A man can not hide his but a woman can what I am talking about is STD or Aids.
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Three Cheers For Horny Lisa!!!! You Go Girl.
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well gee sandra thanks:)
although im not sure what i did to earn your applause since i got no love from dr. bob here:)
i have to say sandra that you have me intrigued — i have seen, heard of and used my fair share of sex toys and i dont know what that thing is you said you and your husband were into
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Hey Horny Lisa
If Dr. Bob won’t give you any love, I’d be glad to step in…
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Horny Lisa
During two of my ex marriages we were into porno. But my last marriage we had our own sex toys. The man I am with I will allow him to have his own toys and porn dvd’s.
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Fishy odor means someone needs a prescription. And not usually because of an STD or because she’s not clean….
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Jen
That is true. It could be the sign of an infection. We as women have to cautious when it come to our own reproductive systems. I am into oral sex and I keep mine clean at all times. I would appreciate if the guy does the same.
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Also I know that is TMI Too Much Information.
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Is there such a thing as TMI on this blog?
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Geez, I gotta quit working nights because I’m missing out on all of the scandal here!
And I really think that it’s just sooo way too late to flash the TMI signal…..
Shawn – I caught what you meant about the “ex-deceased boyfriends” comment – it made it sound like they had help getting there – y’know?
And Flor – for the record – your posts noted a lack of passion in the current relationship – or at least compared to the new mental spike by contemplating Mr. Potential Hottie. Passion is not a permanent state. The early part of anything new has plenty of excitement but if you’ve been with the bf for 6 years, I’d like to suggest adding some new tools to your communal relationship toolbox…like those referenced in the soon-to-be released “Tales of Dr. Sandra Hutchens – Reflections on Boys, Toys, and OYs!” (just kidding Sandra!)
But seriously, get some new friends so that the poor guy does not have bear the burden of being your everything…that’s just wrong to hang that on any guy. I’m talking “in addition to” not “instead of.” And get some damn hobbies that don’t require his presence (again, refer to the above mentioned tome), as well as normal hobbies that don’t require closed curtains. Get out, hang out, take the tales to the bf and take him along sometimes. Maybe you both just need a new plan to have more fun.
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Jen
I don’t know but we can find out? lol
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K
No offense. But music has a tendency to calm and help me by its words.
Flor
Have you heard about what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I know this one woman that when her guy cheats she will do the same to him. Go out and have fun the more guys you meet the better off you will be. Do you know what the best medicine is do something that will take your mind off of it. When the thought comes up just think out of as well that is life in the fast lane. Don’t let him see that is bothering you. For that is what he wants it to do. Hold your head up high. Your not better than anyone but sometimes life deals us a bad hand and yes we are all human. But live life and go on. Life will not stop because he is with someone else chalk this up as a loss and one hell of a experience.
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Horny Lisa, good to see you again around here, what happened to the other doc? How is Texas treating ya? I always knew that you and Dr. Bob are just made for each other:-)
Sandra: enough about fishes, dead exes, and rednecks in Nashville who don’t bath for a month!…How can you post so much here, don’t you have a job or another husband to look after???
You post so much crap here….and yes you have a right to do it but I am really tired of reading your posts and so are most around here!!!!
And everyone have a good day now:–)
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Dan
Instead of calling Dan the Original they should call you Dan the troublesome. People don’t mind me posting here hey what is it to you man. And furthermore that is on you not me.
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I will post until the cows go home and if you don’t like preach to someone else who wants to hear it and wake up man. I have been having fun with Dr. Bob and David since last night. Have you heard the expression you can fuck up a wet dream well man. I can see it now Dan is dreaming of me am I bothering ur conscience for some reason.
HEY GUYS I THINK DAN IS IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your just another blog on this page. Done deal get over it. Do you know that I have a motto I would not give you the satisfaction of thought much less the thrill of you knowing I was thinking about you.
Good day sir I have no ado with u.
But still love u though
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Dan this is ur conscience bothering u again. Dan u dream about me and I just wonder what u do do you get off on just reading my blog. Do u use hairy palms and the five sisters just to get off on what I am saying. Ooooo-Sandrrra-I can hear u now but Dan I would not give u the pleasure.
David
You should have some way that we can hook up our webcams to this blog so we can see what happens on the other side.
I bet Dan jacks off every time he hears my name.
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Hey u know what some of women would do to guys like give the motion of u jacking off and say I can get off better with my own five men and a porno flick than to sleep with u. Go jack off man.
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time to move on……………
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Dan, Sandra–
Get a room!
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We hit a new record!!!!! THis was a really fun blog thanks guys for this.
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Sandra
Who are you telling to jack off?
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Sandra
what makes you think dan is in love with you?
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Dan
Are you in love with sandra?
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Horny Lisa,
You and I in my cabin anytime and I will buy the ticket.
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100 posts thanks to Sandra LOL
David I know what you told and are telling me and believe me I have come along way.
“Dating (or love) is not a get rich quick scheme”. Say that 10 times fast whew!.
That has to be one of the more important lessons you have put out at least to me.
I thank you for the way you tell your stories with such conviction and passion.
Seems like me and my friend are ok for now.
You ever get that massage? hehe
Cakaw!!
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