First Impressions
March 13, 2009 
28 Comments
First impressions mean absolutely nothing.
All of us think to ourselves, “Oh, if I were only taller…” Do you know that my entire life I’ve wanted to be shorter? I’m 6’2” – and I hate it. If I put on a pair of cowboy boots, I’m 6’3 ½” – there are photos where I’m just towering over everybody.
I have a bunch of Asian coaches – Yakub’s 5’6”, Khiem is 5’10” (he’s pretty tall for an Asian,) and Rey’s 5’8” on a good day – and here’s the Jolly Green Giant, towering over all of them. I have some funny-ass pictures of that.
I always wanted to be like 5’10”. If I was 5’10”, I could wear my jeans a little bit tighter, my legs wouldn’t be as skinny. There’s a major insecurity for me – my skinny legs.
And I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a pair of jeans that were long enough for me. It’s like, Jesus, if they shrink up a quarter of an inch, I’m done for!
But we all have these insecurities. People are always emailing me, saying, “Oh my god, I’m really short – what am I going to do?”
The answer is nothing! You’re not going to walk over to women and say to them, “Hey, I’m the short guy – you don’t want to date me!”
Let me tell you something: women are flexible. Some women, like my girlfriend, are very visual: all of her ex-boyfriends look the exact same. They are tall and in shape…she definitely has a type.
I have a type. My type is always very athletic women. When it comes down to hair color and everything else, I could care less.
But most women are all over the map. “My last boyfriend was French, and I thought I hated the French!” “My last boyfriend was an Asian guy, I’d never dated an Asian guy before then…”
And Asian guys totally have blond fever. I have tons of male Asian friends that won’t date Asian women. But I have a ton of male white friends who LOVE Asian women!
We all have a certain type, but women are much more open to new things. If you come at them with energy and confidence, you can change her. She may not like guys that are 5’7” – her “type” might be guys that are 6’2”. But if you come at her with a larger-than-life attitude and you turn her on – if you’re quick and you listen to her – all of a sudden she’ll become attracted to you.
And then her friends are saying, “Oh my god, you never dated a short guy before,” and she responds, “He’s short?”
They don’t see the things that we see. Men, we are SO critical it is ridiculous. If a woman has cellulite, we notice it. We really do. We’re fucked up like that!
Have you ever dated a woman who had one boob bigger than the other? I have. And I saw it all the time – hello big guy, hello little guy! We always notice stuff like that. And the younger we are, the more we notice things and the more critical we are.
And the fact is that women are not like that. We have to realize that women are much more evolved than we are! We’re way too superficial. This is why women freak the fuck out all of the time. God forbid they have a little stubble on their legs. God forbid their hair doesn’t look right.
But the competition they feel when they see airbrushed women in magazines and don’t feel as stick-thin… Think about all of the things that women go through, and be more accepting.
Not only are they under a microscope from the competition with other women in magazines and their friends, but they also know how fucked up we are as a species. They know how critical we are of them.
So just realize that you can rescue them from all of that by being strong, powerful, accepting, and by making them feel beautiful. Doing this will be the first thing that ever gets them to be attracted to you.
Now I’m not talking about walking over there with some cheesy line like, “You’re beautiful!” Definitely not. I’m talking about the way you talk to them, the way you listen to them.
You know what’s it like – she comes home, she had a shitty day, you wanted to have sex, but you know it’s not going to happen now. She had a shitty day, and now you have to go into listening mode all night and do things that you didn’t want to do.
If you do that, you become that much more attractive to her, so that the very next day, the sex is going to be so much better. Because you gave her what she needed that night, you’ll become that man that she always wanted.
Do that in every situation. Be open to her suggestions. I’m not talking about being a wuss or a wimp, but if you say, “Hey, let’s go see a movie tonight, I’ve really been wanting to see this one,” and she says, “Oh man, I’m not in the mood for that tonight,” then you can respond, “Alright, babe, what are you in the mood for?”
If you do her thing tonight, sure enough, she’ll go see your movie the next day. Hell, she’ll even watch the football game with you the next day!
It’s about feeling her needs from the get-go. You are every woman’s perfect man if you listen to her needs.
It’s not about how we look; it’s about how we act. Now of course you can’t go out like scratching your nuts and rocking the sweatpants on a date – you have to at least fit the mold in that manner.
But you have to understand that all of you have the capacity to do all this – it’s all about listening. Listen and make her feel wonderful!
David:
I’m 5’10 and would love to be your height! Seems like every generation gets a little taller than the previous one. Or am I imagining things; just seems that way. I don’t have a height preference for women, but have seen some very desirable taller ones and they all seem to want the taller men. A taller man for a taller woman, but that’s natural. Women naturally want men they can look up to in more ways than one. I didn’t inherit my dad’s tall genes. He was about 6’5 and a star basketball player in college back in the day. My mother is about 5’4. So I came out in the middle. He had height and athletic ability; I have neither.
Now you can compensate if you’re handsome or just work your butt off to compensate by learning all the stuff you teach David. A guy like your “short, bald Jewish friend” as you describe him can compensate with a great sense of humor and natural confidence. If a short person is a real leader and has all those Alpha qualities, and what’s often called a Napolean Complex, then he can overcome his disadvantage in height.
Ok that’s enough
You can’t just reveal how the man can make a girl feel wonderful. We girls need some insider info about about you boys too. Leave out visual and sex too obvious, what can we do to make you feel great emotionally.
In southern Europe there seem to be a heavy overload of balls scratching males. Real nice!
It’s about time someone else talked about first impressions not being so important. It is such a huge cliche that first impressions are everything that people go around puffing out their chests and not being themselves. I’ve tried to tell others that if someone is so hung up on what their impression is of you in the first 30 seconds, then that person isn’t probably worth getting to know anyways. If you want to make a good connection with someone you have to dig, and that takes time.
Since height has been brought up…. I’m 5’9″ and used to want to be taller. But wanting to be taller never seemed to do much about it. I also happen to suck at basketball. So now I just look on the bright side, I have a valid excuse for sucking at basketball.
Adam,
I think the reason or a reason for the importance of first impressions is that in our fast paced society where everything is about getting it done yesterday, people don’t feel they have the time to get to know others. Especially in business. And if you’re interviewing for a job, your potential employer or potential customer or business associate needs to feel confident and assured you’ve got it together. You don’t have much time to convince the other person or people that you’re a real winner and going places if you’re interviewing or having a meeting with a potential client. You may only have 5 minutes, or less. The man or woman who impresses them the most is the one who’ll be hired or land that new contract.
Same thing for the more personal male/female relationships. A woman, especially a beautiful high status woman has men approaching her all the time. If they’re slobs or wussies or Joey BadaBing types she’ll blow em off. But if a man walks over to her who has it together, especially if he looks like George Clooney, she will be going home with him. Assuming she’s not already dating a George or Brad or Russell type.
This is so comical to me, with the height thing with men. I’m 5’6 and I never really saw myself short. I’ve always been one of the shorter guys in class growing up and have had others tell me I’m short, AND you know what? It’s never really bothered me. I do have other insecurities, but the height thing has never been one of them. As a result, women have never cared that I’ve been 5’6. I never made it a big deal, and neither have they. Just wanted to share this : D
very powerful blog david. excellent work.
I really question this synopsis….
Its really the other way around – women are very critical. Its not we men per say. I cannot tell you how many times I have been rejected (either via the field, online, blind dates,ect) because I am only around 5’7.” I joined a couple of major match-making services and eventhough I am a boylishly handsome guy, athletic, fit, MBA, all round have my act together I never had any dates – why? When women found out my height they would pass me by. I am in my early 40′s and I have faced this all my life. Last week I had a friend try to set me up with a beautiful woman friend of his girlfriend and she declined the invitation. He finally admitted to me that she only dates “taller”guys (and she is 5’5) and when she found out I was a little shorter than my friend (who is around 5’9″) she declined. So its not men per say from my travels and I have been everywhere in my life NYC, LA, England, Texas and the heightism thing is everywhere.
I did an experiment on match.com a couple of years for grad school. The women in my class were at first “shocked” but they all admitted to me that they have a bias toward taller men and anti- “short” men. I placed my height with my profile (chock full of cool photos,ect) over a two month period (Feb to March) and recieved 7 responses out of 300 winks and emails sent. I did the same thing at various other heights and here was my findings (300 winks and emails sent per height to various women). This was sent to women between the heights of 5″0 to 5’10″ tall:
6’1″ – 92 responses
6’0″ – 87 responses
5’11″ – 53 responses
5’10″ – 37 responses
5’7″ – 7 responses
25% of the winks and emails were sent to the same women and NO ONE come back saying it was the same guy – its like the only thing they read was the height factor and nothing else….
75% were sent to various random women.
This was all done in two different markets – Chicago and Los Angeles for a demographic differential.
Heck I do not even approach women that are taller than me anymore. I have approached hundreds in the past and was always politely declined. And then there are the women that were heels. They might be 5’5″ barefoot but when they were heels they are 5’8″ or so and then all of the sudden me at 5’7″ (with an inch heel – so 5’8″) I am “short” by their standards – and they are not critical?…….
So height does not matter and women are open minded? I really question that…
David,
Do you really hate being 6’2″?
I’m 6’1″ and for a woman that’s pretty tall (and I totally understand you on the jeans issue).
I used to wear flats all the time until a good friend told me that women look hotter on heels, no matter the height. That day I realized that all my friends and family are shorter than me (except my dad who’s 6’6″), so what the heck!
Friendships get over the first impression pretty fast, as you get more time to know each other.
But in dates, height does seem to be an issue for men (or their ego). I remember dating this particular guy who every time we met, said a joke about the height until I got tired and told him to stop (and dumped him).
Tony,
you said a HUGE truth about first impressions. As I’m about to graduate, the school has been pushing on us a lot of courses about how to present yourself on interviews. It’s a one time shot and if you lose it, then you’re out and nobody likes being out.
The other thing that gets me about this post is the whining over being tall. For gosh sakes – height is the number one attraction trigger when a woman first meets a guy. Ever hear “tall, dark and handsome” – notice that tall is first?….its like a guy with a full head of hair (which I have thankfully) complaining to a balding guy about having to shell out $40 a month on a good hair cut every month – yeah life is really horrible…
What is one of the first things a mother is proud of when talking about her sons – “look at how tall he is”…I used to hear this about my “little” brother (well I have the hair – he has the height) and guess what – when I asked his girlfriends what they really dug about my “little” brother – they would always say first “I love that he is tall”….it was never about his musical ability, his good nature, ect – it was his height and this was from educated and non-educated women….
If a guy 6ft or greater, does not have any real social hangups, addictions, battlewound scars, sever handicaps and cannot be successful with women – then you have a real problem. Women will always choose a taller guy over a shorter guy if all things being equal. Its just life so your complaints are really not valid. Be grateful you are tall – its a blessing and women seem to worship and go ga ga over the height thing.
As a wise person once told me:
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
I once dated a man that was 5’8″ , I’m 5’9″. He wore lifts in his shoes, made me wear flats and had a temper tantrum every time a man taller came within site.
If I looked at them, he accused me of wanting them instead of him. He had short man’s problem ( in his head). I never had any problem with his height.
Love comes in all sizes and heights.
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance,
it is by CHOICE
David – After re-reading Kelso’s remarks, I think that it’s time for other stereotypes to be the subject of one of your blogs. It’s interesting that you state only a preference for athletic types but others have laundry lists of attributes required. One of my friends says that when any guy suggests that she grow her hair out long, she dumps him – too much not accepting people for who they are and trying to make her into someone/something else. Another friend says that when guys tell her that they like latinas because they are hot (meaning in bed), she dumps them!
As someone who is part asian, it still freaks me out when some guy does the casual brush/stroke with the back of their finger against my arm and make the comment that he REALLY likes asian women. I’d like to think that it’s nothing more than an appearance observation-thing but often I know damn good and well that the guy is assuming other cultural traits exist – like (in my group’s stereotypes) being submissive and compliant…like someone’s been watching too much porno. I’m about as yankee as you can get and ditto for my social circle. How do guys totally miss it?
I know what you mean K, about being asian and having men looking at you with a dog on heat look in their eyes. I am from Thailand but grew up in Sweden and ended up living in England now for nearly 11 years.
I meet men everyday through college etc. but what i would like is to meet a man that can stimulate you intellectually and stop staring at you physically when talking to him. Just someone you can have a laugh with without having to impress and being on an ego trippy.
One thing is true though David, is that most of my female friends who are single (myself incuded) are more or less very non-critical its more about his mindset and attitude that is attractive. But of course must add my type too which is men who has their inner game together, no slackers, hardworking men are sexy!..
Well being an image consultant, I am big on first impressions as it only takes 30 seconds for someone to size you up. But it is more about how you carry yourself and how you present yourself to others. What is very apparent about most people is that we are our worst critics! And yeah, we women can be more forgiving to a man’s look when the personality and confidence is there, but boy can we be hard on ourselves!!! I normal conversation between us is “Does my butt look big?” or “I am having a horrible hair day…I can’t go out like this!” “I think I need Botox…right here.”
So it goes back to how you feel about yourself will reflect onto others…inside and out!
Nice post David. I feel your pain, as a 5’9″ girl in high school it seemed all the guys wanted the short, petite girls they could pick up & toss around. I felt like the long, lanky bb player (which I was).
Two (out of 3) of my serious relationships were with men 1″ shorter than me. They didn’t seem to mind and I didn’t mind either. Although now I’m looking for a man at least my height if not taller. And that seems to have erased most possibilities. Of course I’m also looking for a man in shape, active & financially sound.
I’m pretty forgiving on physical attributes and find that guys my age are not so much, especially related to age. Eh, sorry for the rant.
I do not worry about things I can not control, it’s pointless! You are what you are, make the best of it!
Sorry late on this one had some things to come up. Miss me guys.
I have had straight hair all my life and I wanted to have curly hair so I had a few perms put in and liked it now I just leave as it is. A person has to feel good about themselves and who they truly are.
Ok, i can understand a woman getting past height if a guy is still good looking, but what about being really ugly? I am 5’7, have a funny looking head, big nose, huge ears, and cope with a lifelong acne problem. my face is full of permanent scars. I see the way women look at me. If a woman happens to make eye contact with me, they first look disgusted, then quickly look away. I work out, and dress nice and take care of myself, but I was just born ugly. I can’t fix it. No one could ever love me. I will be alone for the rest of my life, and have just had to come to grips with that. And don’t tell me about self esteem. Actually, i don’t think i look that bad. But i know i do. Because i see the way women look at me. I’m 36 years old and have not had a date in over 10 years, because women can’t even stand to make eye contact with me. So yeah, first impressions matter.
Kelso,
I have to disagree with you , without a doubt in my mind the most important attraction trigger is CONFIDENCE !!
I think being tall has it’s advantages… making it easier to meet women initially,but the chemistry has to be there also.
Confidence comes from knowing you have something of value , something that all women seek in a man…. and it has nothing to do with the size of your…. ( body, bank account, or member), it’s whats in your heart.
David teaches how to work on yourself ,to become that kind of man.
Kelso, read the next line in those women’s profiles. The one that says they’re looking for confidence, and a sense of humor.
I like the idea of your experiment , only next time(instead of sending winks) you could try more personable responses based on something you liked or related to ,as you read their profiles.you might find that the numbers would be less favourable to the those who are less vertically challenged.
I’m considerably shorter than you Kelso at 5’4″ . Do yourself a favor and try not to let the height issue get in your way. I’ve done all I can to leave each and every woman craving more of us short guys. You should get out there and do the same.
On paper, women always go by statistics… so on paper, women do care about height and other “facts”.
But in real life, when you meet someone, you are a lot more forgiving of who they are. First impressions do count in the sense that people try to “box you in” based on first impressions… but when it comes down to actual attraction, first impressions don’t ALWAYS matter.
If someone knows how to take advantage of first impressions, great! But I’ve also seen plenty of people learn to LOVE each other over time. That’s because… love has an emotional component… and that component is only developed through a connection which is not based on looks.
Read the book called “The Game” by Neil Strauss. Neil has slept with more women than any other guy on this forum and he’s considered to be the greatest pick-up artist ever. He’s only 5’6″ and not extremely good looking (although he changed his looks to enhance his appearance). There’s a lot of AFC’s on this forum. At 5’7″, I definitely wish I was taller, ideally somewhere between 6’0″ and 6’2″ ideally, but I would take any extra inch I could get. If you really want to be taller, you can, it’s called leg lengthening and it involves breaking both of your legs and spending about 5 months in a Chinese hospital. I looked into it and would do it if the procedure was not so painful, scarring, and scary. Also, regarding the match.com experiment, did you wink at the same girls? Probably not as at least some would have recognized you by the second, third, fourth, etc. attempts. A better experiment would be to simply post your same exact profile for 1 week in 4 different cities of similar population. Just post the profile and don’t wink anyone (because usually people fill out profiles and never bother to return after a few days). Anyway, I listed my height as 5’7″ and 6’0″ and only got about 3 winks in both cases…mostly from older women. I am 25 FYI.
John,
If you’ve read the game. Did you really read the last chapter when Neil talks about how unfulfilled he is?
If you like Neil Strauss so much, did you read his second book called “The Rules of the Game”?
What kind of women did he sleep with? A grandma? Some almost underage girls?
It’s one thing to sleep with a lot of women… but it’s another thing to go after women you feel are of quality to your life.
If you JUST want to sleep around and become a Pickup Artist, by all means, you should only listen to Neil. David and I have met him and he’s a very warm and friendly guy.
But that’s not what we teach here. We teach you how to truly build core confidence to attract the things you want in life. We teach you how to really become a man of purpose and intent, how to truly own up to the things you want for yourself… which therefore translates in the way you interact with women.
Can the things we teach be used to simply pickup women? Sure! But if that’s the only purpose you find in our teachings, then you missed our point.
I was not trying to persuade people to become pickup artists. I have not read Rules of the Game, did not know it existed, but will check it out. As Neil mentioned in The Game, it turns out that one-night stands is not what he really what he wanted. He wanted and eventually found confidence and a relationship with depth (and damn his wife is hot). Point was, a short and probably average attractive or below average attractive guy was able to hook up with more attractive women than taller and better looking men.
I have not checked out your website actually, I’ll look it over.
There are a number of people in the community that dispute much of the Game. Barry Kirkey’s (Extramask in the book) radio show rips the daylights out of Neil and there are guys like Stephen Nash (Playboy LA in the book) that do not look on the book kindly. Tyler Durden is made out to be an ass when he is probably 100X the PUA Neil ever was. Dont forget, Neil Strauss is a writer for Rolling Stone and with some of the game he learned he used that as leverage for his pickups.
I have read the Game, Rules of the Game, three major bootcamps, Magic Bullets, studied RSD, Juggler, Practical Pickup, purchase 90% of Wygants programs, had consults with several top guys, – I have been at this for a few years now and been around and no all about push pull, teasing, conversation skills, ect…
My conclusion is this – yes, some guys do succeed and some guys do not. Its like any other “sport” (they do call it game do they not?), art or act of competence – there will be the top percent that it works for….however we are talking about the common man here and my conclusion is that likes go with likes – 7′s go with 7′s, 10′s with 10′s, rich with rich – why? commonalities and social value and they do weigh heavy…..I just had a date I met thru Chemistry.com who is my height on Sunday. She was wearing heels so she was 2 to 3 inches taller. We had a great time (we had talked on the phone a couple of times and had her laughing quite a bit) but when she met me – she told me the inevitable – this cant work out- you are shorter than me and it would bother me. No lie…..I know, think abundance but this is like the 7th time in the last 18 months this has happened…so much for open minded women….no bootcamp or training can really over come that…but if you are a 6’2 whining guy like Dave you can say “hell it would be great to be shorter but you know no women have rejected me due to my height – this is really funny stuff”…what the hell?
I really do think the community tells untruths – I think if they actually admitted that looks (hair, height,ect) did count – they would be out of business. Its a money making thing for gosh sakes. Women do go out looking for a man with a large confidence – rather a large something else….its the truth….
Hell, if humor was so important (as every woman claims but then date the jerk or the boring guy with money) then women would have posters of Danny Devito and Kevin James in their cubicles at work instead of partially nude fireman or John Stamos….
By the way Neil is not married (I just heard him talking about his current life on an interview) and he did not marry Lisa his girlfriend at the end of the book – she left him for some 6ft. good looking British singer (its not Robbie Williams but somebody like him I think)……
Well, first off, the whole issue with height is an important subject. It matters a great deal to women, so let’s not kid ourselves.
Me, on other hand, probably need to contact David for some help. I’m built more or less like an NFL QB, 6’4, 220lb with an athletic built, and yet somehow I’m invisible to women. I can’t get a date to save my life.
Since height is the predominant topic of this discussion, and since John B brought up leg lengthening, what is the typical reaction of women towards a man who has undergone such a procedure or any other plastic surgery that was for appearance sake?
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