The other night I was at the Coldplay concert and I was walking through a crowd and I realized: there is a term that many Americans seem to have forgotten. It’s a term that English people seem to overuse, or at least use in various forms.
Whenever you are on the subway – the tube in England – or in a crowded restaurant, and a British person bumps into you, they will immediately look at you and say, “sorry,” or “pardon me,” or “excuse me.” But Americans seem to have this incredible lack of knowledge about the term “excuse me” or the word “sorry.”
So I was walking through the crowd at the Coldplay show and this woman walks directly towards me. I looked at my buddy and I said, “I bet you a bottle of water,” (since we’re both such big drinkers,) “that she doesn’t say excuse me. I bet you she will just walk right into me and I’ll just stop.”
I’m walking towards her, I stop right in front of her, and she walks right into me. I looked at her, and I said, “excuse me!” and she didn’t say a word. I looked at her again and said, “the term is ‘excuse me.’ If you use this term, people will get out of your way.”
She looks at me again, and then walks into me again. I said, “the term is ‘excuse me,’ right? Did anyone ever teach it to you?” So she looked at me one more time, said, “I have to go find my friends,” and I said, “that’s not very close to ‘excuse me.’” She responded, “get out of my way?” And I said, “well, I guess that’s close enough!”
And I was thinking to myself: is this an isolated incident? I realized that it’s not.
I was recently in Sante Fe, New Mexico, a great, laid-back, beautiful mountain town. I was with a British friend of mine in Whole Foods. I said to her, “god, it’s like nobody says ‘excuse me’ here!” We had been walking by the salad bar, and a woman grabbed the utensils next to us, picks up the lettuce, dropping a piece onto my plate – and doesn’t even say a word! She didn’t say ‘excuse me’ or anything.
So I said to my friend, “let’s just walk right in the middle and when people are coming down with their carts, let’s just walk directly towards them and see if they say excuse me first.” Not once did anybody say ‘excuse me.’
What’s up with the manners? I just don’t get it! Are we so self-involved? Are we so caught up in our own little world? Are we thinking that we are the only person that exists?
I always say ‘excuse me.’ Good manners are really attractive.
Now the question that I’m going to pose to all of you today is this: are you an ‘excuse me’ person, a ‘pardon me’ person, or, anonymously, are you one of those people that don’t say a single thing? You just walk right through people, not saying ‘excuse me’ and you have no manners?
There seem to be a lot of you types running around, and I don’t understand the epidemic that seems to be spreading around the country. We’re going to start getting people to say ‘excuse me’ again.
People no longer have approach anxiety, but excuse me anxiety!
word. so many people have excuse me anxiety, it’s ridiculous! David, you should run a proper human being manner bootcamp.
i always say excuse me, my mom told me
I think this is more a problem in L.A. than anythign else, where everybody is so self-absorbed. It is such a cultural hodge-podge here and alot of people seemed trapped in their own world. All of us here are a little guilty at least, although I think I will most always say “excuse me”.
For the past year that I live here in Spain never happened to me that somebody did not “excuse” themselves.
When somebody bums into me I try to exaggerate and make this face that it really hurts
It is a very good banter and puts smile on people’s faces. Sometimes even a good conversation starts from it…
When I lived in Oxford, the English never said excuse me or pardon me. They’d just barge right on through. They also rarely made eye contact. I could always easily spot the foreigners, because of the eye contact and they were much more polite!
I was also always told that Parisians were rude, but found them to be some of the more delightful strangers to be around, because they did say pardon or excuse me (only in French).
I say excuse me if I want someone to move out of my way and I say I’m sorry if I’m I’ve bumped into someone.
Recently I was at the Exploratorium, a kids museum in San Francisco, and was playing on something and an 6 year old came up to me and pushed my hands off the thing and started playing with it himself. I said to him “Excuse, I wasn’t finished playing with this, and if you want to play with it yourself, you can ask” and he stopped what he was doing and walked towards his mother who was walking towards us with that uncomfortable laughter that says “I’m not going to discipline my kid even though I knew he’s in the wrong” . . .
Most people I’ve come across in LA do say excuse me.
The other thing that irritates me is when I see a man open a door for a woman (that part isn’t the irritating part) and she doesn’t say thank you! WTF!!! I always say thank you and always audibly enough that the other person knows I am grateful they opened to door! Also if I see a guy with his hand full, I try to get to the door before him to hold it open, ’cause hello, hands full.
WTF ladies, (and I’m sure the ladies of David’s blog are more polite and refined than this) but if a random guy opens the door for you, say thankyou!!! ‘Cause you’re ruining it for the rest of us who enjoy that sort of thing.
The other thing I noticed that makes me chuckle is when I wear dresses or skirts more men make an effort to get to the door before I do to open it for me. I think it’s cute, and it is certainly incentive to wear more dresses and skirts!
And the situations I’m talking about with door opening, all took place in downtown LA amongst strangers.
It’s not as big a problem here in the deep south around Atlanta. But even here in the genteel south, I have noticed the lack of manners especially when dealing with pre-teens. I think that the new generations of parents are to blame.
I used to open doors for women often in the past, but hardly got the appreciation and so have dropped the act entirely now. Unfortunately, sometimes it pays in some places to play it tough.
I always say excuse me, its how i was raised. I hold doors for people, not just woman. People sometimes say thank you, or you first, but only 50% of the time.
Hah! That’s funny…
Yea, I don’t always say excuse me. I used to, but after a while I felt like most people didn’t really care whether I did or not, so I stopped. Kind of a shame though… I think it’s time we bring manners back!
When opening a door you should never expect gratitude, but be pleased when you get it. Sometimes doing a good deed makes me feel good regardless of the feedback I get. I know it was good.
Manners have been declining, but I have to say that the environment that I work in rewards people who are kind and courteous. I like that.
I definitely notice when the men on an elevator do not hold the door and step aside for the ladies and instead push ahead. There is usually at least one gentleman on the elevator who will set an example for the rest. And yes, I always do say thank you.
I think the world should practice random acts of kindness. I try to do something every day to make a stranger smile. Sometimes that may be just making eye contact and smiling as I walk by. It can change someone’s day.
“To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven
constitutes perfect virtue… gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity,
earnestness, and kindness.”
– Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese Philosopher
Glad to know I’m not alone in my politeness. I always say “excuse me” or “sorry” if I bump into someone… at times even if the other person was at fault! I also say thank you if someone holds open a door or anything like that. I think a lot of people have a real sense of entitlement/arrogance about them which is why they are lacking in manners.
Surprising fact: Philadelphians are really great about holding open doors. I have never lived in an area where I know I won’t need to even reach for the door if a man is near it. I love that!
Personally, I prefer “pardon” as I find the word “excuse” to simply sound harsh. Perhaps because I grew up listening to Steve Martin albums.
I think excusing oneself is totally location-specific. In Texas, we have enough room to move out of each other’s way so as to avoid bumping in the first place. When bumps do occur, the apologies are usually dependent upon the age and, unfortunately, sometimes depend upon the race of those involved. Older people are more likely to apologize, as are two people of the same race. (I know it’s taboo to even discuss race or “play the race card,” but if my observations are unfounded, I welcome anyone to prove me wrong. Seriously, I’ll admit that I’m wrong.) A large age-disparity is also likely to result in apology.
In the northeast, I’ve noticed, bumping into each other is a fact of life. As was explained to me, you’d go hoarse if you said “excuse me” to everyone you bumped into. I haven’t been out to the west coast in over 20 years, but my recollection is that it’s a “southern environment” with “northern density.” That is, people LIVE where there’s enough room to move without bumping into one another, but they work & play in crowds, thus bumping into one another and your indignation.
With respect to age, I’m sure you can find many more examples of how manners seem to be an important lesson younger generations aren’t learning. And I’d wager your grandparents said the same thing.
David, its cause you hang out in cities. If someone’s in the aisle at the grocery store and you have to pass in front of them whilst they’re perusing the latest wheat pasta, you say excuse me. I hold doors open for folks too….cept my boys, they’ve been taught properly. In fact most times they end up being the doorman, and yes people here say thank you. The thing that annoys me is when people get in an all fired hurry in their vehicles and have to pull out in front of you when there is no one behind you for a mile or more. Terribly impolite…but whilst driving you have some anonymity, and perhaps that is where the lack of manners comes from. The internet say, allows all sorts of anonymity, and where do you find the biggest bullies? The internet, even people who would never ever consider hurling insults at you face to face can and do become nasty idiots.
Bertie
They were just as bad in Santa fe which is a nice place..
That is what prompted me to write this.
I am without a shadow of a doubt an “excuse me” guy.
Excuse me. Always. Then again if someones rude to me as in your case, I don’t mind being rude back either
By the way love the new website David!
Hi from England
Good to know the English still top the world in something even if its just saying excuse me. I can assure you, we English say sorry a lot more in fact in nearly every other sentance. I guess its just we are a lot more reserved than our US cousins.
I’m surprised you didn’t get slapped after asking her a third time “didn’t your mom ever teach you to say excuse me?”..haha…please david tell your bloggers to write some better situations for your viewers..
Bertie. Your not alone! I also hate when people pull out in front, when behind you is clear. How about changing lanes to move ahead last minute at a stop light. UGH!
David, I’ve been to Santa Fe many times. It is still a city. I’ve found people to be nice there and the pace more laid back, but I live in a town that has a population of less than 10K. The two largest cities within a two hour drive distance are still less than 50K.
Jim, many of our roads are only two lanes. If I drive late at night so long as I’m not hitting shift change for the hospital or the prison, I may never see another vehicle the five miles or so home from town, and during the winter at night I can drive on Us Hwy 101 and I may never see another vehicle. Its a bit different during the summer, and fall….summer, all the snow birds from New Mexico come back, and the fall run of salmon causes a lot of commotion around here.
I am most definitely an “excuse me” type of guy. I think it’s rude when people can’t or are unwilling to excuse themselves if they bump into you. Maybe they do have “excuse me anxiety?” Either way, I always try to be the better person. Why stoop down to their level anyway? Maybe they could learn something from you by you behaving in a socially acceptable way…
David, I am a “sorry” person. Its quick and easy. AND its only one sylibol! But this brings me to the point of women not saying anything. I’ve found women particularly rude in clubs. Just like in your example, I can say sorry or excuse me in the nicest way possible and they either have some horrible responce or they just look at me like some kind of jerk! It seems like women in clubs feel they have the right to be bitches…
I noticed that people in States usually say “Excuse Me” ONLY. I find the phrase “Excuse Me” has been abused in many ways especially the way it’s been used which usually sounds rude & arrogant. On many occasions someone would cut in front of me or bumped into me accidentally, and instead of saying “Sorry”, they usually just say “Excuse Me” ONLY in a tone of voice like as if I did something wrong instead of them!! Being a “Sorry” person, I find this very rude indeed especially when it’s not my fault. Why can’t people say “Excuse Me. SORRY.” instead in these situations?
“Sorry” does seems to be the hardest word….
i’m a “excuse me” and a “sorry” person i always use one or the other depending the situation. Like was stated earlier by several different people it is just the way i was raised, likewise if i am at a door i always hold it open for whoever wants to go through as well as say thank you when the door is opened for me. But back to the excuse me and sorry thing, i usually dont just say it in passing i usually stop and make sure they are ok [if it was a hard bump or something serious or awkward] i believe its just polite and i agree with all of you, we should begin to bring it back
I think I use “excuse me” or the german equivalent way too often. While I think it is polite to do so, I am currently trying to get these words out of my vocabulary, at least in every-day situations. I often simply don’t feel like I have to excuse myself for doing what I’m doing. When I approach somebody or ask something, I don’t want to excuse myself for doing so – excusing is for wussies. People don’t notice that but it’s in the way they talk, in the words they express themselves that they show how they feel about themselves. If you excuse yourself all the time, you don’t really have a high opinion on yourself. And I don’t mean excusing yourself if you step on somebody’s toe or something – of course this is a case to excuse because you just harmed another person. It really depends on the situation, but in my experience people excuse themselves way too often even if they did nothing “wrong” (assuming that the term “wrong” exists which of course is another topic to discuss…)
I will never forget being in Las Vegas on the Strip where the sidewalks can be crowded. I accidentally bumped into this guy walking next to me and apologized. And then I stopped paying attention and bumped into him again! I apologized again and he started teasing me about his “injury.” It was really sweet and he was cute! We joked back and forth before I realized my friends had stopped to watch some spray painter. I was ready to offer to buy him a drink for his “personal injury.”
Good commentary above … glad to see some thought has gone into the submissions thus far. As David rightly points out, in most Western Societies “Manners” do count … but what is “Right” for the U.S./Europeans, doesn’t always translate to other Cultures/Societies; you might be interested to note that some languages don’t even have a directly translatable word for “excuse me” … but that’s ok as long as you know it going in … don’t expect anything but a shove in Cairo Market or walking the stairs up to Sun Moon Lake in Taiwan … but remember you are a “guest’ in their Country … and if you want a “Date” there, you’ve got to play by their rules (Home Court).
I was born in Texas (taught manners) but currently live in the French Riviera and have traveled the world for years. To my mind there are 3 main factors at work in the “Manners” department: 1) Generational 2) Cultural and 3) Geographical, subpart population density. I’ll concentrate my comments to the former … figuring you can deduce how the other factors come into play.
Generations have historically passed on social teachings (including manners) within the “Extended Family Unit” (Grandparents/Parents/Children) by both word and deed. And it still is where Societies place more importance on “Family” than material possessions (see what happens in Portugal today if you get up from the table before everyone has finished their meal).
But in the U.S. and “Western Societies”, while our life spans have significantly increased, our birthing age has also increased to the point that most Children no longer have the input from Grandparents as many are either in “Assisted Living” or deceased at the critical time “manners” can/should be instilled. Most would agree that children are better equipped to take advice from Grandparents than Parents … it has always been this way and with less Grandparent input around, “Manners” don’t get taught
Additionally, our increased material needs have made it difficult for this transference to occur by Parents as both are working to meet requisite financial support, thereby leaving the lessons to the media (Web/Soaps/MTV/et al … good, bad or indifferent, it’s not the same as a Parent). If the Family Unit in your case remains intact (and there are many … just not the majority anymore), you fully comprehend how this “OJT” works and probably fall into the “Got Manners” group and know how lucky/fortunate you are … you probably also got the “Got Milk” add. Sadly, to get the Genie back in the bottle for the rest would require a major revolutionary shift in the Geopolitical/Economic worlds … only way to improve that I can see is to first recognize the problem (good start here on David’s website) and keep our Grandparents healthier so they’re around longer to teach the children … as it should be. Thanks to both sets of mine.
Hmmmh, I have started long conversations with women that bump into me and don’t say “excuse me.”
……And the women that do say, “excuse me,” I like to respond, “Did you say, ‘Squeeze Me?”…….
…LOL!…….
I like to say, “ESCUSA”….or ” ESCOOSA”…
I ALWAYS say thankyou when a guy holds the door open or lets you get out of the lift first. I agree Lexi that it is rude not to say thankyou. The gentleman is a dying breed these days but I understand why guys don’t do it anymore if they don’t get any appreciation. I find that only usually older guys do this which I think is great but younger guys do not do this anymore.
I say excuse me too. Whoa that woman was really rude David. I agree, people are really self absorbed these days but I’m not going to stoop to their level, that’s not how my mum raised me! Generally people are quite good where I’m from in Australia (Adelaide) but you find as you go to the bigger cities the manners disappear.
I always say “Excuse me” but when I hear a woman say excuse me I always say to them ” Why…what have you ” always gets a laugh and can start a conversation with them. Manners dont cost anything and living in England a lot of people are taught by there parents to say excuse me but I totally agree in some big cities people can be rude.
I always say “Excuse me” but when I hear a woman say excuse me I always say to them ” Why…what have you done to be excused ” always gets a laugh and can start a conversation with them. Manners dont cost anything and living in England a lot of people are taught by there parents to say excuse me but I totally agree in some big cities people can be rude.
Everybody in this blog has made some great points but I think it all boils down to the fact that here in the U.S. there are just so many different cultures, races, religions, and creeds that people can’t communicate.
Then there’s the fact that so many people have low self esteem, lack of confidence, or just some ingrained fear of something that they wear horse blinders or stare at the ground while they are out and about doing their daily thing and then they wonder why they can’t make friends or get a date.
I’d love to hear anyones comments or criticism.
I’ve been in the states for about 4 years now. I say excuse me and hold doors open for people all the time because that’s what my uncle Jimmy taught me. It rarely bothers me when people don’t say excuse me but I remember this one time when I was a freshman in high school. I was trying to get to my class then this one kid bumped into me. So he turned around instead of apologize to me he yelled “get the fuck out of my way”. Me being the Asian kid that didn’t know much English just carried on walking away. It was a really bad day :[ lol
i always say excuse me when someone is in my way i remember i was at 6 flags a few years ago and i couldnt find my brother it turns out he was already in line for the ride so i asked the guy if i can go back into the line and he was like yea so i was trying to catch up to him so i was like excuse me and i ran past (lol this is pretty funny) and the couple i said excuse me to i overheard them talking i only heard parts but i heard something like she said excuse me then zoomed past LOL i take it like there saying what was the point of me saying excuse me lol this was a funny experience
lots of times i find myself pushing by because lots of times people don’t hear me say excuse me and i feel like if i say it louder im like yelling at them
when i bump into people i say oh sorry lol another funny experience i was at the supermarket with my brother and cousin they was like 9 i was like 13 and we hardly see each other so they was running around playing and they would bump into people and i was the one that would say sorry (lol this is funny) i overheard a lady say kids think this is a d*** playground ahhh funny stuff