Drop the Validation
February 8, 2009 
8 Comments
Here’s something really interesting that just happened.
So Taras was just going through his pictures on his camera. He got to a picture of himself and this woman, handed his camera to Steve, and said, “Look, man, she’s really hot,” and then said, “But I really screwed it up with her.”
What he was looking for from Steve was what I call “male-bro validation.” Steve was supposed to respond, “Wow, dude, you’re right. She is really hot,” which would make Taras say to himself, “See, I could get hot women if I didn’t screw it up.” And then it just becomes this long conversation.
Taras is now going to tell this story to Steve about how he met her, how she was really into him, and then he made this one crucial mistake where he decided to freak out and flake out, and it was all over from there.
In reality, he never had her! If he’d had her, she wouldn’t be just a picture in his camera – she’d be in his bed. She’d be hanging out with him right now.
You don’t need the validation of another guy. That’s how men bond – by validating each other. “Look man, I could get hot women if I just did this…” But it doesn’t really matter. You don’t need to show him that, and you certainly don’t need to be going over that situation in a play-by-play anymore. That play-by-play doesn’t help.
You didn’t ever have her. If you had her, she’d be standing next to you instead of your friend! You wouldn’t be talking about it.
So look at how this who process breaks down. You guys don’t need to be validated, either to yourself or to each other. If I had a friend come over to my house and all I did was show him pictures of the women I’ve fucked for the last thirty years, he’d be bored in about thirty seconds!
You can’t really talk with men if that’s all you’re going to talk about. By talking in that way, you’re demonstrating that you don’t own it – you don’t really believe that you can get women. You’re just trying to validate yourself in whatever way you can – and in this way you’re trying to validate yourself through other guys.
This is a great point, David.
Seeking validation is a sure-fire way to destroy your self-esteem because no one really will respond to such a gesture and will see you as needy. Guys will always support guys but you don’t want THAT kind of support.
You don’t need the validation. Besides, what exactly are you validating?
Thanks for posting this David. I’ve actually given this topic a lot of thought and you’re right… I was seeking validation from Steve.
However I think there was something much deeper causing these things to happen in the first place. I think I did what I did because of my ego, which seems to be the cause for many other social inadequacies in people’s lives.
I suppose this could lead one to generalize that the ego is generally bad and all that matters is the present moment. But then… what would be the point of achieving anything at all? I mean, isn’t the ego what motivates us to keep accomplishing bigger and better things in our lives? Furthermore, if enlightenment involves us not seeking validation in some way or another, then why not just sit in a room all day meditating on how great it is to “be” and observe life as it indiscriminately passes by?
On the other hand, I guess one could also say that you should choose which ego reflexes to stifle in order to better serve yourself. But then again… isn’t that just feeding into the ego all over again? Hah!
These are some things I haven’t figured out yet. However, I don’t think the answer is to become a buddhist monk or some such. I’m familiar with guys like Eckhart Tolle who believe in such philosophies, but I’m just not 100% convinced that those are the answers either. If anything, it makes me think it is precisely the ups and downs of the rat race that make life worth living.
After all aren’t we all on this very website to become better with women, thus VALIDATING ourselves at least to some extent?
Anyways, THAT is my thought for the day. If you have any comments, please share
No, actually some of us are on this website to become better with men! It doesn’t matter that I work with a bunch of men as most of them are married or living with their women. They are more relaxed because they aren’t trying to impress us women on the job or vice versa. But just hearing that you single guys can be more uncertain, shy, hesitant, etc. than you’d probably care to admit publicly gives women like me the courage to be more outgoing than we were raised to be…and believe me, it’s quite a stretch to break out of that kind of upbringing.
When I am in my “customer service” mode, I am the fountain of knowledge and information to all
but doing that in the real world is an entirely different thing. I don’t “own” that world and I find it difficult to pretend that I do but I will talk to anyone who talks to me first…I guess because I got an invitation/permission (?) to chat. I’m working on being the initiator but it’s tough. How about comments and suggestions for my personal improvement plan? Perhaps a contest to see whose “monkey chatter” level is higher – men’s or women’s?
Both women and men use some form for validation in all areas of their lives, just like Taras we women also have done similar things as to show pictures of old flames/flings around their girlfriends. Not just that it’s a validation to others but also to yourself that you actually were able to get a really attractive guy/girl. I remember as a teen how my girlfriends would show pictures and we would giggle about wow you got that hot one, he was sweet etc. It was as much a pat on you back that made you feel good that you were able to get close to someone you thought was very attractive and maybe some form for validation as much for yourself, not just to validate yourself with your girlfriends. Do we need to it, no in a perfect world we would not have these insecurities and needing to validate anything we do. It show a little weakness and I don’t think that is all bad, it gives someone else a chance to say something nice to you.
K,
I have the opposite problem I have so little “monkey chatter” I instead come across as too in your face. I just don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I don’t need to anyones approval who and why I hang with anyone. I don’t care of you position in life, you wealth, power I do not feel my myself being less that anyone and will happily admit if I don’t have the knowledge other posses. My problem is dealing with people that have all these “social engagement rules”. In order to talk to someone you have to be “introduced”. There is a certain social pecking order. Now I am no dummy and should be smart enough to figure them out and I could probably but a part of me refuses as I find it so superficial and phony. I treat and approach all the same regardless of where you come from in life. See I have to be better to maybe tone myself a little down, no reason to turn people off right away.
I have to say just like K, knowing that at some point I too will begin to date again it’s very empowering to know men too are insecure. I have had two long relationship spanning a total of 20 years and both were to very confident and very outspoken men, so I never had much experience with very insecure shy ones. Now K can you give me a writing seminar so I can get my point across as clear as you.
One time I fell to someone else validation until I woke up and realized that this person did not know everything about the situation. My self esteem was lowered by the men I was with calling me out of my name and you know something that hurts. You don’t call someone out of their with the people you are suppose to love. Today I look at it in a better light and live the day as it should come. That is a hard habit to break at times but the only person that should know you is you. People don’t need others to tell them who they are and about the other person. They need to find out for themselves.
A great quote
Don’t believe what you hear and question half of what you see. Me personally I have to see it for myself in order to believe I don’t believe things I hear.
To add
Some people may not like the person you want to be with and feel like they maybe invading the friendship. So people will say what they please to get you to change your mind. This is what this so called friend was trying to do with me.
Oh, Marina – have I given you the impression that I am a shy, shrinking violet? At work, I am known as the resident shark – take no prisoners, suffer no fools, etc. Hmmm – sounds like you! I know my business and my job, and I can explain it or defend it to anyone on demand. I don’t do crowds or public presentations but I will call anyone on their BS which I did last year to the VP (a real prick) in front of his entourage. My reputation is a double-edged sword and people who know me well find it hysterically funny that I am such a weenie on the personal front. But I’d like to think that I’m continuing to learn and evolve. I just wish that I had more “monkey chatter” on the job and a lot less in that initial interaction with strangers out in the real world.
K
No, not a scrinking violet maybe more a quiet one from your writing, but I was more referring to the monkey chatter not really who you were. So at work too little monkey chatter but outside the opposite problem. Now just a question could that be because you don’t feel like you have the same knowledge base regarding men as you have with you job, that you have this monkey chatter outside work. I personally know when I really know about something I have a different kind of confidence. I know with myself right now I fell like a 40 old virgin with 3 kids, go figure that out. I have been with someone for almost 17 years and in some ways that makes me feel very insecure when I will date again. So I have chosen to start all over and attack this “future dating” as I would with work. Gain knowledge (yes I did join the community), Practice/test knowledge ( need casual fuck buddies) and down the road start dating for real. See I don’t leave anything for chance, It would empower me knowing that can seduce this guy if I really want it. That confidence I don’t have anymore and that’s what I have to regain for myself.