Don’t Make The “Boyfriend Mistake”
January 16, 2009 
48 Comments
I want to go deeper into the “So She Has A Boyfriend…” blog I posted the other day , because it raises a mistake that most people make over and over again, and talks about something everyone needs to know. I know that what I’m about to tell you is true for many reasons, but most particularly I know it from personal experience (and lots of it!)
Let me tell you something. Three of the best relationships I’ve had in my life have been with women who had a boyfriend when I first met them. Now when I met them, I wasn’t trying to seduce them or make them my girlfriend. I just looked at meeting them as meeting an interesting person.
That is the way I look at life. When I meet someone very interesting, I am going to try to get to know them as a person regardless of whether they’re male or female.
What a lot of people (both men and women) do when they meet someone of the opposite sex and find out that person has a boyfriend or girlfriend, is immediately dismiss that person. They do it because of their own frustrations in dating. They say to themselves “Well, I don’t want to get to know this person because I might like them once I get to know them, and this person won’t like me because they’re not available.”
When you meet someone who is interesting, get to know that person on a friendship basis. Stop having so many expectations, and stop projecting your expectations onto others. It’s just not worth it to have all those expectations.
My current girlfriend had a boyfriend when I first met her. The first time I met her, I was interested in her and we exchanged numbers. Then she called me to say that she had a boyfriend but was interested in getting to know me as a person. We then got to know each other just as friends and it was nice.
She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, and called me months afterwards just to catch up and reconnect . . . but with no expectations. Now here we are dating. So you never know what’s going to happen in life.
The fact is, though, that it’s very hard to find someone who is really amazing. So you need to be open to it every day. There are a lot of great people who are in not-so-great relationships. They may not be ready to get involved with you right now, but get to know them now on a friendship basis. You never know where things might lead in the future.
Stop being so much about instant gratification. I wanted to go deeper into this subject because a lot of you make the mistake of dismissing people you want but can’t immediately have. So it’s really important to explore this issue more deeply.
Todays video is going to show you that observation is the key to meeting women and men as well.
Good f-up to the she has a boy friend blog…I found It benificial for the fact of lowering my expectation about wat I want. And from one of my good friends always said have no needs other than having a good time because women always remember guys that are different, fun, and give them experiences that they never have had before… Thanks for the mindset builder David.
David or other coaches,
I know you are busy with you all boys club..!!!
Off topic but do any of you know of something similar but for teens. I have a 14 years old who is very ackward around girls. The idea would be great for a young boy or girl. Really serious.
Going back to the you are interested in them as an interesting person, should you then maybe not be vary about even saying Oh he is lucky, or maybe just say great and just continue the conversation. I know from when I live in NYC even He is lucky comments, the poor soul would have been torn to pieces, with a you are waisting my time kind of attitude. Savy girls would even pick up on the He is lucky, as a cheap come on line. Just my oberservation. Unless she brings up the the I have a boyfriend, don’t bring it up, it will show real soon anyway one way or another.
Now so is this blog dead or are the coaches not going to respond here. Just curious.
Yeah me.. first blogger..
Have a great evening everyone it’s a great day for an evening walk.
Spoke too soon, someone hit the return just before me…Post #3 Sandra and Patti is stuck back in the boyfriend/friend verbally getting off on Dantheoriginal. They got way too much time on their hands.
thats a double kick in the ass for me, thanks for going deeper so no one misses your point
David,
So we girls can’t come to the new site, what does it mean, don’t you like my comments anymore, what did I do wrong, why have you not answered any of my entries in the how to handle rejections, I have heard Hornyliza got a vip pass, I can talk dirty too, I will be whatever you want David……Plz help me can I email on david@davidwygant.com for a free personal advice…
Hmmm…..little overboard being clingy…
Enjoy everyone…
marina
you can come to my new site anytime. its a mens members site. i love all your comments and i try to read as many as i can but as you know some will just go through the cracks
Isn’t it easier to just kick the boyfriend’s ass? Ya’know, caveman style?
Marina
I have better things to do and better fish to fry than Dan The Original. Sorry about last night but I was freezing where I live we were experiencing 2 degree weather.
When I open my email I see where others type in friend/boyfriend thing and I usually give my two cents worth. But Dan well what can I say.
Now the the blog.
That was great David you outdid yourself.
I like the part about the giving the girl the dick and caveman style.
When you meet someone that has a significant other it is best to be friends with them until that time comes when they may break up. It is like looking for a job well once u fill out the application u sit there and wait for that call. Then all of a sudden u get but it is not what want well go ahead and take the job position at least u got ur foot in the door. Like I was told once there is nothing etched in stone.
I happen to be close friends with a guy that has someone else in his life. But I had rather remain his friend. We are not in a relationship but we do talk.
Oh Dan don’t worry about me I have a lot of male friends u know something I just don’t stop at one I joke around guys at work.
I agree with J, just take steroids and beat on people till you get what you want.
So if you talk to this really interesting girl with a boyfriend and youd like to get to know her better, she would agree to have coffee or something? I guess I’ll have to try that.
I know a cure for the man who has a woman. Think of away to tie her up and kidnap the guy. Once I get that down pat I will let u all know the secret to success.
Ok here is another one before I give it up for the evening.
There are times when me and my daughter go out on business we pass a car that looks good and a good looking guy driving it but he has a woman with him. We will say we can ditch her and take off with the guy and the car.
One day my daughter and I was at a convenience store when these two guys pulled up beside us and I looked at my daughter and said look what the dogs drug up the cats would not eat and look they brought up his buddy. a little humor to set off the mood. lol
Here’s a Harry Met Sally question for the guys…is it true that men and women can’t really ever be just friends, because deep down inside men want to have sex with their female friends whether or not they actually find them physically attractive? Is the same true for women with their guy friends? I’d really be interested to know what you all think about this.
Plenty of male friends you can have chemestry with, but has zero sexual attraction to. Funny with that though just never know if suddently that feeling changes to being attracted to that friend.
Nice picture you got up
hey david
do you have the entire video of you speaking
because your videos always end at the best part, it would be nice if you upload the full versions (part 1, 2 etc..) on youtube. thanks!
Dammit David! I finally got out of the boys club/email, and now that’s where all the fun is at? I feel a big boo-boo lip moment coming on! lol
Elle – I think that there is always some degree of attraction in male-female friendships because that’s part of any friendship including same sex. It doesn’t have to be sexual attraction although that may also be a component because of human biology. I really think that there is a spectrum of ability to be friends: that some can be friends and many more can not – either due to training, culture, that nefarious “Y” chromosome, or just the biology.
Years ago, I worked in a small company where many of the employees were single. We used to get together to party, shoot the breeze at happy hour, have potlucks, go out to restaurants, etc. because most of us didn’t have enough social contacts on our own. We introduced our extended circle of acquaintance to each other and most of us brought an unattached friend or relative to most of our gigs and, frankly, it was a very fun and safe time for all of us. There were also a number of gays and we introduced our gay fellow employees and gay friends to each other and they returned the favor by introducing us to their straight ones!
During that time, I went out a lot and met so many people. I had season’s tickets to the opera with the boss’ son for years because neither of us knew anyone else who liked opera. Another guy and I went to musicals like Yul Brynner’s farewell stage tour in ‘The King and I’ or ‘Evita’ (before Madonna’s film). Others liked jazz or bluegrass or r&b and it was a great time of exploration. We also stood in for each other as dates at company or family gigs so that if one was in-between relationships or the usual date couldn’t make it, that they wouldn’t be the odd man out. It was also easier to mingle with strangers (or at least practice) since you knew that you had a somewhat prescribed role to fill and no expectations to worry about from your pretend “date.” I didn’t realize it then but it was a social network that worked and evolved.
I miss those times. It is so easy to isolate ourselves and it happens more and more with time, even though we know better. But some people are always trying to date or “couple up” first and they miss the fun part of getting to know people (and take it away from you in the process). How do you know who you want to get to know better unless they drop some starter bread crumbs? And vice-versa? I envy very little in this life except perhaps the ease with which I lived at that time. I miss being able to chat with some guy with zero expectations, finding out that he’s attached but neither of us missing a beat because no one was being hit on – it was just a pleasant encounter that holds our attention and maintains a connection whenever we run into each other. Some of those relationships end up having the most promise because the lack of expectation and gratification allows a greater and safer self-disclosure – for both people.
Nav
I know what u mean it gets my attention but it ends in the best part. I went to youtube.com and could not find it.
David
I would like to see or hear the rest of it please just give us a title in the blog where we can find it on youtube.com
Thanks
Sandra,
Sorry about the weather our cold right now is 40…yeah but all those tensions allways leads to great make up sex, you both has to keep warm up there.
Since Mike J ruined my fantasies about him as ski instructor..nice with a hot one on the slopes and in a cabin with a fireplace..Why did you have to do that, my mind went all hey wire when I first read Ski…I guess my expectations got the better half of me…
Focus on being process oriented instead of goal oriented, living process oriented leaves you open to many more opportunities in life.
Happy cold thoughts from here…
I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but I am glad that I am more open now, and have zero expectations.
nice to see you go deeper D.!
Nav and Sandra:
you guys can find the rest of the videos in youtube.com under Davids name.
Thanks Yakub about the podcast of youtube.com I saved it on my hard drive.
All, I have to say about this is that through my experience from being frustrated about getting the “I have a boyfriend” line, to being completely fine with it, some of my best girl friends are those who have/had boyfriends (husbands) and I am very close with.
Years ago, I would just dismiss the idea that because she has a boyfriend, I can’t even be friends with them. What the hell was I thinking? Nowadays, it gives me a chance to relieve myself of the pressure of needing to get to know someone and accepting the interaction for what it is, an interaction. As a result, I’ve met some amazing people that have changed my life.
And who knows, maybe a similar story that happened to David can happened to you. Is about not having expectations and not focusing on an outcome. You’ll lose track of your purpose of wanting to meet women and other people.
To become a better person.
Elie:
Depends on whether I’m attracted to her or not.
If I have no interest in her sexually, yes, we can be friends.
But if it is someone I would like to hook up with but can’t because they’re not available, not attracted to me, or whatever, I have to keep away from them. Otherwise they’ll mess up my head and thus my game. As such I consider them more like acquaintances.
It’s funny but I’ve always kept girls who had boyfriends as friends…
However, I haven’t done the switch that often from friends to more than friends… b/c it’s not the girls that don’t give me a second try… it’s me!
I kinda like the “discovery” of a new person but I won’t lie. I’ve definitely fantasized or thought of some friends as more than friends on countless occasions.
Those original responses from David are awful. I too have had many women become close who had boyfrinds. My 1st wife had a boyfrind at the time. I may not be in Davids league but I teach Body Language and detecting Deception for the Govt (enough about me). You would be acting way too interested and a loser-ish by saying, “wow I hope he knows how lucky he is.” That has wuss written all over it.
Here is a way better way to deal with the boyfriend response;
her-I have a boyfriend
you-tell him hello for me,so anway let me tell you about…
or
her-I have a …
you-so tell me what you guys do for fun…cool I love skiing to (or whatever) Like when I was just in CO…
these responses lend towards Davids friends first theory and also dont come on too strong without being wimpish.
The “oh man what a lucky guy”, sends such a wimp signal you will may never hear from her again.
Im not saying as David wrote that you should dismiss this person but rather that you play it down and almost ignore the “I have a boyfriend” statement and gloss over it and move on from there.
Jeff in DC
Jeff
If they are so awful why am i with the woman now who i honestly said this to?
And why would i even post this if this has not worked for many throughout my whole life.
What PUA stuff do you follow?
Your comment is very David D.
You have to realize that when I speak to a woman I do it with such confidence that what i say not only works but also intrigues.
Have you dived into any of my products?
Very David D my friend and as you know by teaching body language its all about how you say it and what your body language says about you.
Mine is strong powerful and confident!
Jeff
I think the say hallo from me comment would put you in the opposite end as an arrogant jerk. Making it a non event is the way I prefer it. But all depending on her body language and response the he is lucky could work, but again you have to pay attention to how she respons to you. There is never one way only that is why it’s so important to very observant.
I dont think Id say “he’s so lucky” well, maybe I might with a hint of irony
but I wouldnt say “Say hi from me” or anything along those lines as you just come off as a tool.
I think thats just basically a polite rejection IMO – and the best bet is to just try to make friends. She isnt going to say she has a boyfriend as a “lets see how much of a man he is” test surely? as these PUAs would have you believe – any input ladies?
Sorry Dan
I am the only around no crazy sandra answers or deep and thoughtful K’s
The only times I have used I have a boy friend is when I am really not interested, it would
Never been to see if he was enough of a man as the PUA tells you. Those kind of games are a waste to me. In person I pick up on BS real fast and if you are not genuine I have no interest. At the same time I never judge someone on mere looks.
But there are no doubt in my mind there are girls out there, you just have to make up with yourself if you are the type who likes games.
I don’t I say it the way I see and would spend a second on a guy who was not regardless how hot he might look like.
I guess it comes back to knowing yourself and understanding what you want from a person.
Don’t know if I helped you, but I bét if you approach a girl being your real self you will be fine.
Ummm! lets see David allow himself time between him and the girl he was with. He did not rush into it like a bull in a China shop. Well done David and more power to u. I myself have a guy that I am interested in but I am not going to down his relationship with another woman. I will allow him time to decide what he wants to do. There are several types of guys one is a jerk, player, gentlemen.
Jeff
Practice being a gentleman not a captain rabbit who wants everything that walks on two legs. For if u try that on me I would direct u to the door like Sheena Easton sang Strut now put it out that is what u want from women, come on baby what u taking me strut now cut it out I am taking but no giving watch me baby as I walk out ur door. I wont be ur baby doll….
Marina
Each to their own. Crazy is my middle name.
Im honored that you chose to respond but take it easy David. It wasnt a personal attack. I wasnt questioning your prowess with women and if your so confident you may not need to keep explaining that it has worked for you ad naseum. I too am posting things that have worked for me and my group for many years so thanks for the forumn to do so.
Its semantics but sayin “Say Hi for me” shows your fun and confident and dont take things too seriously, its not toolish as someone wrote but aloof and fun IF said with the correct tone. It shows your not concerned with someones past or present and able to move forward. I too have used these lines many many times and I have found the confident approach works and I dont think showing too much interest too soon is the way to go. My statements are made all with fun being the main objective not your soo hot that “I hope your boyfriend know how lucky he is” to have such a hot girl-too serious if done too soon in a conversation.
To answer some question I am not and have never been associated with David D but am semi familiar with his approach. The term wuss was coined well before Deangelo used it and its still relavant. I havent seen your stuff but I am going to do so since you were COOL enough to resond.
The main thing you said I agree with is that if something is said with confidence and an aloof sense of humor almost anything can intrigue a member of the opposite sex. However you need to make that distinction that there are many responses that can work for the desired outcome. My responses are posed to create a “wow he is so self confident he doesnt even care about my past or present love”, which we all know can be a sticking point for some men caring too much about a girls love life and scaring them away.
Your comments on the surface show a lot of interest like saying “I hope he knows how lucky he” is is also showing a lot interest so that depends on the timing in the the conversation. I dont think your (David) relationships hinged on these statements but your overall confidence level and how the words were said and body language used. Body language has been shown recently to be 93% of all communication-Ill let that speak for itself and since I have instructed it for 10 years I truely belive its the most powerful tool there is. Think of the best conversation youve had with the opposite sex and the lines will mostly be lost but the way they were said is what she remembers!
Marina hits on some good points that I think Dave, may I call you Dave?, would agree. As I said glossing over the statement and not lending too much credence to the “Boyfriend remark is a very useful tool in showing social value (YEAH I know more PU lingo). MArina stated that she uses that line to show ” no interest” and my responses lends to that fact that Im not interested either while Daves show interest and can be used too early and scare somone off.
Thanks for the reply and the forumn
All comments and well thought out responses are more than welcome. thanks Dave
OK – Marina, I think that you and Dan are both on the same page with me. Yes, I have used that line in various ways but never as a test. I despise head games but I do enjoy verbal sparring. The only time that I outright lie is in using it as a block when someone is invading my personal space like a stalker and smothering me with truly dreadful pick-up lines, staring too hard, blocking my path or God-forbid, touching me without an invitation. Normally, when the lines escalate, I just say no, thank you. If they press, I just say that I’m taken. Frankly, if they press for details, that’s when I ask what makes them think that I am obligated to reply to such a nosy question. If they give me the “say hi for me” line, I tell them “No, you REALLY don’t want me to do that.” That always makes them pause and ends the interaction. Too creepy for me.
On the flip side, there have been some extremely entertaining exchanges where men don’t press for personal social details but they do continue the conversation, either to see where it leads or perhaps because they already have David’s outlook and consider any exchange a positive outcome. Some have gone on for years like the guy that I was with for 7 years was a long distance colleague for 6 years before that. They don’t ask specifically about your status because those signals seem to be recognized by both parties as ‘not available’ in that way but the contact is always pleasant so it continues over time. Most people bring up a significant other in casual conversation (some sooner than others) and then one may ask about them in the next exchange. But I’m not impressed by a full-court press from a total stranger.
Marina
I have read just about all the blogs here and I bet sometime tomorrow I will hear from Dan The Original. If u don’t like what I blog then do what I do to move on delete them from ur email. Really I don’t give a hoot what u say. What is important to one may not be important to u. That is what makes us different women with different viewpoints. How come is it I don’t have any problems with guys talking to me just like this evening I spoke to several and they call me pet names in which I don’t mind. I flirt with them as well. These guys are the ones I work with. I have one that tells me you sure a pretty today. So what is the problem.
C’mon, Sandra – I always thought that you were a very good sport…what happened?
Sandra
XOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Somebody needs a hug…
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX cheer up girl..
what happend to Patti by the way.
K
Just one of those PMS moments u may say. But I am not giving up just yet I will still hang in there.
K it’s all you fault..you put me and Dan in the same sentence. LOL
K you have missed the point exactly. The “say Hi for me response” is a gloss over response not with a desired outcome. If you read my post its intended to be aloof “cool say hi for me, now let me tell you about when I was skiing…” Its a response to show lack of interest and to move on from the original I have a boyfriend statement. Your not actually telling the person to tell their boyfriend HI. You dont want to dwell on the issue of her having a boyfriend but to show yourself in a “fun- no big deal -lets see if we connect” light. A line is a line and I think some people are reading way too into each word when as Ive said and taught its body language, confidence and tonality that makes or breaks a conversation.
jvreed,
I think as much as you might know about body language in real person, you have set a tone of “negative” signals with your original comment beginning with “Those original responses from David are awful”. Similar to talking to a person that does not look you in the eyes or are standing with arms crossed, which signals a “negative” energy.
K normal is pretty right on. I have read the rest of you notes and you do not come across as “hard” as in your first input. Just as in person when you oppose some ones oppinions you never start with defensive attitude. That one you do later when you just want to piss them off.
The problem with writing is that it’s so hard to the other persons response to something you have said, hence much easier for misunderstandings which you normally in person would pick up on as you are across the person and can see their reaction.
As with in person similar on paper you “never get a second chance to make a first impression”. You can change it but your first impression tends to linger more and little harder to change.
Welcome here though, maybe you can give us some tips on how to really make someone know you are not interested with you body language.
Sandra I have a fun comment to you, but for some reason it is waiting moderation.
JV Reed
Hey i never took it as a personal attack at all.
But you will get to know me and once you do you will realize that i am totally up for any conversation.
Life is gray and that is what makes it so interesting!!!
You are correct it was my follow up after my remarks that kept the attraction simmering plus i had no intention of stealing nor seducing them.
Spoke from the truth and this is why learning all of this takes time.
Too many men look for the magic pill and really in life everything that is worth getting and achieving takes time.
Feel free to call me Dave if you like……some of my best friends call me that,
Keep up the great posts and thanks for sharing
Thanks Dave I can tell your a stand up guy.
Marina- I think your right about the initial tone of my post with the word “awful”. Like you said words on paper, or in this case cyberspace, cannot show the true intention and there was no malice behind mine. I just knew it would grab attenttion. You also bring up a good point about Body language. As Dave suggested there is no magic bullet and sometimes arms crossed could just be the most eomfortable position someone is standing or sitting in. So my point is there is no one thing that is the end all be all in PU or in body language but an overall fun, positive attitutde and real interest in meeting people and experienceing life. Only then will somone be really attractive to others!
Marina
I don’t know what happened to Patti I think Dan The Original ran her off saying he studied something about the softer side of things and that David and the coaches could not help her. In other words like he tried to do with me in not so many typed words tell her she is not welcomed on the blog and she needed serious help. I read his comment. He is the one that needs help. Oh hears a hug for u and no offense taken.
Marina
Dan the Original could not be that lucky even if he tried. In another blog I gave him the 1-2-3 steps and if wants I can add more. But for one thing I have a dad and a good one at that. Matter of fact he lives down below me with my mom.
jvreed – I think that your response to my response demonstrates exactly where the disconnect is: what you intended versus how it would be perceived from one woman’s point of view. Women appreciate persistence. But we also like it when we think that men actually heard us. If men give us the impression that either they didn’t hear a word that we said or simply chose to ignore what we said (being contrary to the end game)…just looking to make the sale, so to speak. Not a criticism – just one observation. If your way works for you, knock yourself out.
Gotcha K. Like Dave, the aloof fun attittude has worked for me very well. I didnt mean you should totally ignore the girl but to make it so the man is not deterred by the “boyfriend” statement. Although I have found ignoring some statements intrigues women. Think of sometime youve been ignored by someone your attracted to-and let me know if that has created more intrigue and creates more social value to the man. This works well with your persistence idea since my statments acknowledge the girl (hearing the women) and moves on from it without lending to much credence and making the boyfriend an obstacle. My statements make the conversation flow and more about our possible connection and not “I wish you were my girl” as Daves lead towards.
But the overarching idea is to have fun and display confidence. By the way I love this back and forth especially from the girls.
Thanks
i was just chatting online with a girl i’ve known a while….gone places with a few times….yes “the bullishite friend zone”….she just started dating someone……i went by that step of telling her whoever he is….he’s a lucky guy……she was telling me thank you twice and how that’s sooooo sweet et al! i think Wygant has the right idea….be her friend just not a damn doormat!….i read into the PUA stuff and tried it….i felt like a total asshole and not myself!