Don’t Be So Negative!
November 26, 2008 
16 Comments
Having coached both men and women for more than a decade, I have had the opportunity to have both sexes confess to me their biggest complaints about the other. One of the biggest pet peeves I hear from the guys I coach is that women are too negative.
Are they saying that women are unfriendly people as a gender? Of course not. Guys complain most often to me that when they ask women questions when they first meet them – whether it be a woman they approach for the first time or a woman with whom they are out on a first date – that women tend to be very negative in how they answer them.
For example, a guy during a first date may ask a woman about her past relationships, and she will bash her ex-boyfriend by saying something like “Oh, my ex-boyfriend was such an idiot. He cheated on me, and he was a complete jerk.” Then she will go on to tell the guy about all the stuff that her ex-boyfriend did that were bad.
Even if all of that is true, women need to understand how this is perceived by the men who are hearing it. In particular, women need to understand how it is perceived by men who are just meeting you or are just newly getting to know you.
When you speak negatively about a past relationship, a guy hearing that will think that if he gets involved with you that at some point down the road you will be bashing him to someone else. Don’t be so negative about your past experiences.
Don’t also be negative about what is going on in your life currently. Don’t talk negatively about your friends. Men don’t care about the turmoil that is going on in your life and with your friends.
Men don’t care that your friend did not show up at your other friend’s birthday party and didn’t even a send a present. The only thing a guy will notice is that they are on a first date with you and you are speaking negatively about your friend.
Men want to see you be positive on a first date. We don’t want to hear about all of that other negative stuff when we haven’t gotten to know you yet.
I can’t tell you how many times when I’ve walked up to a woman and started talking to her by asking how her day is, that she will begin her answer with some version of “My day is lousy…” Then when I ask her why, she will elaborate with a list of one negative thing after another.
Don’t be so negative. When men first meet you, they want to see the positive and cheery side of you.
Men of course understand that life is not all positive and cheery. In the beginning, though, show men your good side.
We all have a negative side. We all have things about which to complain. We all have things that don’t go our way. That’s perfectly fine, just don’t bring all of that up on a first date.
Don’t bash your friends and don’t be negative about past relationships. Be positive on a first date, because you need to think positive things in order to attract a great new relationship.
I remember a woman with whom I had a first date who illustrates this point perfectly. I asked her on that date whether she dated a lot, and she answered “no.” When I asked her why, her answer was “Because men suck.” She then proceeded for the next ten minutes to tell me all the reasons why men ‘suck.’
The thing was, I didn’t want to hear about why she believes men ‘suck.’ It didn’t matter. I could have said “women suck too” to try and be nice and agree with her, but they don’t. I don’t judge women as a gender based on what certain women in my past may or may not have done.
When I’m on a first date, I am open to finding out who that particular woman is and what she is all about. You should have that same attitude when you meet a new guy.
The fact is that if you’re having a bad run in life, only you can change it. So if you’re negative and you complain when you meet someone new, then you are just perpetuating that bad run and it will simply continue. So stop being negative, and start giving your future a better chance to be positive.
its a good blog for women but men can learn some thing from it too
Funny, I’ve had men do this very thing with me. It seems that the more positive things I talk about, the more they like to find something negative to talk about; but they still prefer positive things to come out of my mouth.
My thinking on this is that the guys don’t want to appear too “soft”, so they go overboard and harshly criticize something. Upon first meeting guys, I’ve also had many complain about social politics such as who did or didn’t go to whose party (my brothers gossip to me ALL the time). Personally, I think it’s kinda cute and smile when they do it because I know that they’re just trying to tell me that they’re keeping their eye on me…in their own manly way of course
Positivity was a HUGE thing I had to change for myself! To this day I think it’s one of the most important things I’ve done for myself.
Well, anything positive is better than anything negative!
By the way, why that guy asked a women during the first date about her past relationships? Couldn’t he ask about something else, something neutral?
Why do men do that? Why do they ask about my past relationships on a first date? Why does it matter what my last boyfriend did for a living? And why do they ask what kind of relationship am I looking for? Why do I have to decide now? On a first date I’m just trying to decide if I want there to be second date.
There is a famous quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson I believe and it states: There is only one person in life that can make you happy and that person is you!” Enough said.
Oddly enough, I just got out of a relationship with a man whose most oft repeated phrase was “I can’t…” Insert whatever problem was the problem of the day. There was always some reason why he couldn’t fix the problem de jour, and should I make a suggestion, more reasons why he couldn’t. Which really meant wouldn’t. I couldn’t ever share a problem with him even if I was in the middle of solving it. It got, well, tedious, and painful after awhile. He’s a good guy and I wish him well, but he’s just not for me…
Maybe it’s a generational thing but I can’t imagine asking ANYONE on a first date about their past relationships, much less entertaining such questions put to me! That’s not getting to know someone – it’s just damn nosy! There are too many more interesting things to talk about, especially on the front end of that getting-to-know-you dance.
…and I don’t need any thoughts of my past intruding on the present, y’know?
This is border-line creepy how on the money this right now and how this is going on in my life.
I just met an amazing woman last week and she comes off as very negative. And of course, the usual answer would be, “stop being negative.” But it’s easier said than done – especially if she’s been in this “funk” for some time now.
So, I have been helping her trace back to some of her successes in the past what great things that are going on in her life (which are many), reframe her thinking and try to slowly get her to start envisioning the positive as opposed to the negative. She has a lot going for her in her life right now and for someone who is so passionate about what she does, she can definitely use some of that passion to go after the goal of changing her outlook on life.
It’s very tough to help anyone with that, but I think she is worth making the effort to do so.
I wonder if DW has people following me…
Both parties need to be positive…I am an extremely positive person. I always have a belief that things could be a lot worse. I find negativity an extreme turn off and have definately stopped dating men who where negative.
Yes, I agree with Taryin… Both parties need to be positive…
Infinity… how very awesome! You must see something in her that makes listening and validating her issues worth it; and to give her something positive to invision, how wonderful. Maybe that is how we know if we’ve found someone that is not “just another date”.
After a rough divorce I found myself in a very negative place. Looking back I lost some good friends because of it, and dating was very frustrating. I saw myself as this really nice person, but somehow I couldn’t get past a second date. The common thread was me. One day I stumbled on some information about habits. Negative thinking becomes a way of thinking over time when you are dealing with negative situations day after day. Wow! How negative is that! This defined my bad attitude and snapped me into a new reality. I knew now what my problem was, but the real work came as I learned all over again to be positive. It takes conscience effort; rinse and repeat, over and over, day after day. I am a positive person again, I smile a lot more, and attract attention from positive men; make friends with positive people, etc. It has taken me over a year to get here, but it was worth it. I also don’t do the total brain dump thing on dates anymore. Less is more, and it keeps me in the present. The past is the past.
Thanks David for the great blog topics.
Infinity – seems like your new friend was overdue for a reality check and just needed a little help.
In the last few years, many of my co-workers have lost parents, spouses, children, or their own lives and another is awaiting organ transplant. Believe me, if I was feeling negative about anything these days, I sure can’t find any justification for it now. Life is good and it’s up to us to make it better. Sometimes the gift of yourself keeps on giving, even when you (or they) move on. Just don’t forget to give that gift to yourself.
I have had four marriages and divorces. I will admit not all guys are that bad. When I see a man for the first time and he is negative I will categorize him just like a man will categorize a woman. It can go both ways. I did a soul search and came to the conclusion that I refuse to relive or speak the past in which I am no longer apart of. Who or where are these guys today. When a person is on the first date they should focus on the person they are with not what happened years ago. The other day I was staring out in space when this guy came up to me and he asked me are you upset about something and I looked at him and smiled and said no I am just thinking. Then explained to him that when I am studying I usually look like that. That made him smile right back. I am around a lot guys for I do work around them. And I do notice a difference in them it makes me curious on how certain guys react when they are trying to attract a woman.
I have been email dating this guy and he is very verbos but he seem such a good conversationalist that the negative things we talk about are just part of the whole story and we sort of end up overriding it because we talk about the possibility of a romance and sexy ideas. The feelings are there. We have to admit that whatever happened to us why we are looking for a special person is because of all the negative things that has brought us out blogging blogging in the first place. Wether we like it or not, half of our memory, we can’t cut out because it had happened, it will stay there forever. When you cover it up, there are both girls and boys alike think you are lieing.