Don’t Be Needy
February 2, 2010 
90 Comments
Today we dive into a trait that many people have.
No need spend a lot of words on this.
Neediness is one of the biggest turnoffs in the world. So many times, we just want to be self-satisfied.
Why didn’t that person call me back? Why didn’t they call me when they said they were going to call me? I really wanted to talk to them. I needed them to talk to me. These are all needy thoughts.
Sometimes you get a lot more by just allowing people to get back to you when they are ready. Granted, if someone calls me and I don’t return their call within a certain time frame, it is definitely not good behavior and is disrespectful of their time.
Having said that, you have to avoid being needy. People come around when they are ready to come around, especially in relationships.
Just because you want someone to say something at a certain time, or be with you at a certain moment, doesn’t mean they are ready or able to do that. Allow someone to come to you when they are ready.
Neediness is a tough thing. We all need things, but we have to be careful about how we go about getting them.
Man I’m starting to get needy man. I was doing so well to avoid the neediness. What I’m doing is telling the girl in school that She better answer the phone. Idk if that’s wrong. The next day I’ll tell her ” Hey I called you yesterday”. I want to stop this but I can’t. I feel disappointed when they don’t call back like if they don’t want to talk to me or like if they ignore the text or call.
A therapist once said that a relationship is like a bank loan. If you really really need one you aren’t likely to get it. If you are already abundant (satisfied with your life), everyone wants to give you a “loan” – i.e. relationships come your way. As another individual once said, (now who the hell was that?) self-confidence is the most powerful aphrodisiac. The neediness perfume scent can be picked up a mile away. I’ve worn the perfume a time or two myself. Yuck. We can’t fake self-confidence, but that doesn’t mean we can’t practice NOT ACTING on the needy button when it gets turned on. Put down the phone and texts. Take a deep breath. Just say no. Step down off the ledge!!!
My thought is this..If she’s truly interested,she’ll call back.
Well said David. Hence the need – heck let’s call it a downright necessity! — for an abundance mentality. You want someone to be attracted, create an attractive lifestyle.
Mario-
You are very needy lately and there is no reason to feel bad about it, we all experience this sometimes.
But what’s more important is to accept yourself, let go of all the monkey chatter, let go of your ego that really wants those girls to call you back so you can feel better about yourself.
Lauren-
i enjoyed reading what you had to share about the bank loan. I totally agree, when we feel abundance in our life, we keep on getting more loans offered to us.
Lauren- are you now getting more loans than you have the time for?
Kevin-
Yes if she is truly interested she will call back.
Did you ever meet a woman whom you had a great connection with but she never called back?
Craig-
Its crazy to see so many guys always going out chasing women day and night, and I have noticed they all are missing one crucial element that is none of them are living an attractive lifestyle.
Do you feel like you are living an attractive lifestyle now?
I think its very easy to get trapped in the neediness behavior sometimes. I used to be worse in the past. What really helped me overcome this behavior the most is the what’s your excuse product. I think lot of people just want to get rid of their problems all in one day, but i have found out its a process and it takes a little bit time and patience.
mario= i like what jacob had to share with you. if you need some more motivation take it from me, like i said i used to be worse than you are now man, but when you really desire change real bad, you will persist and find peace at last.
Dave, you’re right, when I was younger I learned the neediness rule the hard way, I used to let it show. It’s one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, turnoff out there.
lauren- i have worn the fake cologne myself in the past, its the kind of smell that was way too strong, it didn’t really turn women on, as i have hoped for, instead they run like crazy turkey:)
but its more nice to wear the real cologne that turns them on:)
Tony- is that one of the biggest lesson you have learned in life?
Coach Jacob,
I enjoyed your comments. My cup – and bank account – runneth over! I have no complaints whatsoever.
Life is good.
I do appreciate that David helps teach people to be themselves. I have always felt authenticity is the best thing we have to offer – our uniqueness. I find it interesting the advice women are given about the “do’s and don’t's of dating – such as when to have sex. Give me a break. I have sex when I want. With all the dating advice out there, it is a wonder anyone can be real. By the time we figure out how to walk, talk, stand, and all the other BS it’s a wonder we aren’t robotons! Oh well, maybe I really do kind of date like a guy. I do have the woman factor going on too – a good combination wouldn’t you say! I’ll have to take a look at what David says about women and dating. I was oh so happy to see that I naturally have “the walk” – isn’t life grand. So many roads, so little time!
Clint,
Ah, yes, the real perfume is always the best I have found. That way we are real and what we tend to attract is real. I know the “needy” perfume – or should we say cologne – as I have been there. Somehow over time that has pretty much melted away but in my younger days it was an ouch.
I love the perspective of focusing on our strengths and the weaknesses take care of themselves. It has also helped me to not pretend I don’t have weaknesses. I finally got it in my life that it is really okay to not be perfect. In fact, perfect people aren’t all that fun to be around. And that is a lot of what life is about, isn’t it? Having fun!
Mario
That way of doing things will make her run from you> Neediness is such a turnoff. It makes people want to just do the exact opposite.
Lauren
Have you ever read The Five Love Languages?
Craig
Needy people will only attract other needy people.
When i am in contact with someone who is needy all i ever want to do is run!
David,
It is interesting you asked. I have and found it valuable. What did I learn? I LOVE physical contact and presents! Seriously, I have always been interested in typologies. For example, I love the enneagram. I think it helps to KNOW WHO WE ARE and to flow with it. Maybe that’s the gift of having some times around the sun – becoming more comfortable with who we are and it’s all good. That is my handle: immeuru
I liked the Five Love Languages bc it defines something important in a very simple way. If we speak different languages it makes it challenging to communicate. The question becomes are we interested in understanding another language – like the language that our partner speaks. I love that about you – you point out to people the importance of going beyond superficial and learning about themselves and others. And it can be fun, doesn’t have to be like a trip to the dentist (bless your heart, I’d be saying get out the nitrous!).
lauren-
oh yea having fun is a must to live a satisfying life and nothing compares to the real perfume or cologne. how did it make you feel when you figured out its ok to be not perfect?
yea i get you. David, Jacob thanx for the advice. I have noticed that I’m being needy. But I have tried controlling it and it’s working. Today was great for me in school. It felt like one of those days were everything semeed to go exactly right. Everything even the energy of other people towards me. God I loved this day.
Lauren
I just started reading the book and i really find it amazing on how he breaks it all down.
I actually feel like I wrote it:)
Now a quick question can one person speak 2 languages meaning.
Can they actually be about two love languages?
And love the way he breaks down how it can be as hard as learning chinese when trying to speak your lovers language.
Fuck.
Thats all I have to say is Fuck.
You know sometimes Wygant you piss me the fuck off. You hit who I am right on the head.
I have been hating you all day long on this.
Its me and I know it and I know how much this turns people off yet I just cant seem to stop myself.
I get an email and its not what i want or expected to hear and I react and send my needy thoughts right back at the person driving them further away.
Fuck you kicked my ass today.
Short and sweet as you said.
Hello everyone!
I believe, if you thinking of her too much and calling her too much, you are doing nothing but turning her off. That’s why I stop caring and thinking too much and start relaxing and stay patient.
Tariq-
great to hear from you man!
where have you been?
Ned-
a good ass kicking is sometimes good for you.
its very important you get the message, the more you become needy the more she will walk away.
Coach yak,
I’m here in Chatsworth, California. Enjoying every second! How things going with you. Let me know where you are in LA.
Tariq-
I’m hoping to be in LA maybe during summer.
Sounds like you are enjoying every second of it, its very important. How is chatsworth, never heard of that place?
It’s the porn capital of the U.S.
Thats funny. Do you have neighbors that makes lot of noises at night:)
But Cali is great, i love the sunny warm weather.
Another great message. Where was this about three weeks ago? So far this year
I have dug myself a hole but I will turn it around.
Your advice really helped last year and I will continue building on what I know.
I hope to go even more on instinict and intuition; it feels like the right thing to do.
I would like to add that a way to overcome neediness may be to casually date different women and
try to turn your “just friends” girls into friends with benefits. I will try to work on these concepts.
I am looking forward to a blog about going from the Friend Zone to the Friends With Benefits Zone (a decent consolation prize if you can’t turn it into a full relationship).
Take care!
3 weeks ago it was still in my brain!!
I will talk about friends with benefits real soon.
David,
A quick question? That’s a big topic! We are all so multi-faceted that I feel we do speak more than one love language. What do you think? I love books like this that help us to understand ourselves and others. We are complex creatures but he breaks it down into such a simple yet powerful approach that can help people.
Harder than learning Chinese…Jesus f***ing Christ – shoot me now! Okay, being a foreign language impaired person I just had to get that out. Chinese, that’s a damn hard language to learn.
But back to relationships. You know David that we were given very few roadmaps for relationship. We have not been trained in the language of love. No courses were offered in school so our “education” – and I use the word loosely bc really what were we educated in – did nothing to prepare us for relating to others. And what is more core than that? So, no wonder people are hungry for what you offer – a straightforward, and thank god irreverent, approach to giving people some tools for their relationship lives. And hopefully to have some FUN in the process. It shouldn’t have to be like a constant trip to the dentist!
I think that in order to understand the love language of another, it requires that we first understand our own and hold an intention and desire to understand the other. You have encouraged people to know themselves first, I believe. Learning the love language of another requires a balance between it’s all about me (self-absorption) and having a genuine interest in the other person (which you have also pointed out as necessary to having a good relationship – dah!).
The other end of the spectrum is people who are so involved in catering to the other person that they lose themselves in the process – not attractive! Of course, they often end up bitter and resentful – the victim/martyr type. Not pretty!
It seems this leads us back to the phenomenon you pointed out – neediness and how repelling it is. I’m just going to say this out loud – generally I think women are way too focused on pleasing men and obsessed about gaining men’s approval. Notice I did NOT say considering men, learning about men, and interacting with men. That’s all great stuff. But the pleasing, catering behavior…a turnoff and very disempowering. What do you think about that?
Maybe getting a life is the most powerful aphrodisiac!
Wow, I didn’t realize I’d written a book!
Hey Tariq
Welcome back my friend.
You were missed!!!
Lauren
A book that was well written and worth every word.
I must commend you on really telling everyone that yes we really did not have a road map to this stuff and everyday we learn as much as we can.
But and this is a big but how many people take the time to really implement what they learn?
We can fall back so quickly into our routines and comfort zone and fail to take action.
In a relationship it takes 2 to take action and nothing can drive someone as crazy as when they take action and their partner does nothing.
When your alone you only have to answer to yourself and if you get lazy it will affect no one but yourself.
Love, relationships are a never ending process of inner growth.
Thanks for sharing today.
Yakub,
There were a little bit of drama with other roomates, but that’s over now. As far as neighborhood goes, there are no noises at night
By the way, I go to starbucks everyday, there are beautiful yummy mummys’ around here 
David,
I missed blogs as well. I’m happy to be back.
Tariq-
how are the yummy mummy’s around there, have you tried any?
Would you guys consider Sarah Palin to be a yummy mummy?
Tariq
The term yummy mummy is a huge term in London. That is where i first heard it.
Jimmy- you are crazy man.
David- are you saying yummy mummy’s are better in London?
Jimmy-
I am not too sure about that.
what you think?
Yakub,
none as of yet, but will do.
David and Yakub,
I wanna share something with you guys. Last week I went to Jersey Mikes and was trying to connect with 3 girls working over there. At first, I was talking with 2 girls. I noticed third girl behind the counter was waiting for me talk to her. I mean, she was smiling and couldn’t wait to join the conversation. I learn that we don’t need to panic when you are talking with more than one person.
Hey All
I did a great interview in Australia about casual sex
http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/the-casual-sex-dilemma-20100203-nc2t.html?autostart=1
David, I hear you. I feel I am pretty self-aware and have spent lots of time and energy learning about relationships and communication and I still sometimes fall into old patterns. It is amazing to me how compelling this can be. I like how you put it – we are in a process of never ending growth. We are on a journey and damn let’s have some fun in the process I say.
You know, the part about being with someone who doesn’t contribute enough is interesting. I have been there and at a certain point I have to ask myself what am I doing? An emphasis on the I? Forget about the other person. If I choose to hang around in a situation like that too long I have to ask myself why I am settling for this type of situation. And eventually forget the why, just stop doing it! Can we do that,though, just stop? In your experience of working with others does that work?
Well, I am excited to read lots more of you articles and posts. I can’t wait to see your perspective on more topics! Thank you so much!
Wow! So much great stuff today! Thanks for sharing guys!!
Personally I believe that two of the most attractive qualities to a person are confidence and passion (either for a specific cause/activity/ or life itself). There is a lot of stuff that is important too, but I have seen people win over entire crowds with just one of those two qualities.
The funny thing is that you can get both of these qualities by constantly doing what you love to do and by living an attractive lifestyle just like Jacob suggested
Lauren:
I agree with everything you have said, but the one line that jumped at me the most was “getting a life is the most powerful aphrodisiac”
That and the constant mention of visits to the dentist ><.
Oh, by the way, has Lauren every been a guest at any of the blogs or podcasts?
*hint* *hint*
Clint, it feels great!
Gerardo, By the way, I love what you said about confidence and passion. Passion, for me, doing what I love, builds my confidence. It is so fun to focus on something that feels great inside. I find it balances my perspective of relationship. I am having a great ride and if someone else wants to join the ride, also doing their own thing, that is great. What feels good is not to need that in order to experience a full life. Life IS full. Another adds to but is not the necessary ingredient for a fun, joy-filled life. There is not much that feels better than passion, whatever form that passion takes. Confidence, umm, another quality that is ever so lovely – so much better than a trip to the dentist, don’t ya think!
Coach Jacob the answer to your question.
Yes, I’ve had real nice first dates and the women not call me back,One date said “Here,let me give you my number” She never called back.
Hello all,
Great conversation. I’ve learned so much about dating through David and his team.
Although this doesn’t fit under the ‘neediness’ section, I wish, wish, wish someone could set me straight on one thing the my friend and I disagree with *all the time*.
She’s of the camp that guys should do all the asking out, planning–dates, dinners, vacations etc.–everything and all the time (she’s been dating this guy for six months and treated him to dinner once).
I’m on the side where if I like a guy, I’d like to show him that I really like him so I’ll plan an occasional dinner or outing that’s on me. Let’s say for every 5-7 that he plans, I’ll toss in one.
Guys…any insight is greatly appreciated. I really need to put this to bed.
Thanks,
Tracy
Tracy it’s a nice break if the women does something to make plans, it’s shows interest. Alot of guys don’t like to do all the thinking all the time.Besides you won’t hear from guys saying “Why am I always the one to foot the bill?,your in this too!” Hope this helps a bit.
How can we know if we are in the friend zone though?
Has anyone experienced those days when you think that even by talking to the girl it didn’t work? Today I was talking to this girl but I mean yesterday was great but today was just bad. For some reason I just can’t go into a deeper conversation with her. So I called her yesterday and didn’t answer, called today and didn’t answer. Am I being needy??
On friday I’m going to the mall and try to apply all this stuff. Maybe I’m just having a bad day but I have been having those a lot lately. Maybe its the vibe I project to girls. Who Knows.
For some reason when I listen to the conference I get really pumped but then the next day or the next days I lose it. So yea guys. Thats my question.
I’ll say it’s wrong chasing women when you want to get something in return, but if you are chasing women just because you admire their beauty and are honest with them first time you meet them, that is far more better than trying to hide your true desire. if you want to have sex with a woman you’re attracted to, don’t be ashamed to approach her and tell her how you feel (you have to know how to talk women).
I’m not afraid to tell a girl about what turns me on about her. some may freak and be like “wow! you don’t beat around the bush do you?” or others, but in the end of the night, I was the only man who had the guts; and always I see them again. ;D
Honesty is my greatest weapon. it helps me in the long run. ;D
Mario, Listen for certain words or phrases. If she says “I love swimming!” Say, “Swimming? What do you love about it? “How do you feel when you are swimming? you get the idea
Mario, one last thing…don’t call her anymore, she’s not interested.
I have a bit of a different take. I love a girl who can be needy AT TIMES (!) and show it. I am myself sometimes, and when I’m in a relationship, it is the most beatiful thing if someone sees it, and just gives you a hug, and it blows away with the wind. This is one of the most important aspects of a relationship to me.
Now I can imagine that if your a happy-go-lucky always positive kind of person, you can’t stand someone being needy. I myself though am a very moody ups and downs kind of person. I can’t stand people who are never needy. The reason? I don’t believe it. It is an act to me and it makes me think they are all the more needy, but also too scared to show it.
Basically I think this post and its advice should be taken with a grain of salt. Eveything doesn’t work for everyone, and the differences are huge.
For me my mother -and mothers are a boy’s first and biggest love- was an ambivalent person like this, and while I can be drawn to a girl that is always happy go lucky, I never really connect with them, or if I do, I don’t feel it as much as they do. It’s like I don’t understand them, and they don’t make my clock tick.
I’ve met some great people, in very needy states, because they came up to me and engaged me, because they could connect to that mood and understand.
For me, to never be needy with someone I love, is death. Also, being needed by someone is very beautiful to me.
Perhaps the crux is, that you usually can’t be needy in the phase of first meeting someone. To me it is very different though once you have already connected.
Rules are there to be broken. Perhaps that partner that doesn’t call you back, and then you show them your angry/sad for that, perhaps that person was exactly waiting for that; for someone to be real with them and vulnerable, after all the phoney acts and dating games.
I like to believe, although deep down I don’t know, still I try to believe or have as a motto:
When it is the right person, for all you want, it is impossible to do wrong. Because that moment where you say or do the dumbest thing breaking all of your own rules, may be exactly what her heart was waiting for.
Neediness is so unsexy because it actually shows the other person you depend on her. Because you don’t feel worthy yourself. So how can they ever have a high opinion of you?
People get needy all the time, and it sucks. I mean it happens to anyone of us. And it makes other people feel bad.
One way to overcome neediness is to take a look at the situation from a “third person standpoint” the moment you feel needy and see if the situation is really that bad, objectively. In most cases, you’ll notice how ridiculous your thoughts were, and it makes you feel better in an instant and saves you the embarrassment of making needy comments to another person.
Kevin-
I get your point man. I’m just really stubborn when it comes to women, you can say needy at times. I need to realize that if she doesn’t call or text back it means she’s not interested. Simple as that. It just sucks a bit cause now that I see it, hanging on to her is just an excuse. It helps me justify my decision of not taking my time with other women.
I need to get adjusted that some women are just not attracted to me. I might be to them but they might not be to me. It’s common knowledge. And the harder I try the more they get annoyed by it, well in how I see it.
So heres my question how can we tell the girl that were attracted yet don’t be needy?? To show her what our intensions are.
Could I say, “look im interested, I dont know if i like you yet, but I’m interested in you right now”.
Valentine’s day is coming up and we can look at it in two different view points.
The first is that it means that we can ask someone to a date and finally be one on one with her.
The other is that it can be a day where we can realize we are not really doing that good in our dating life. Both female and male so it can be an easier way to talk to women on that day. If there alone you could ask her why she’s alone, “No date?”.
So yea, if you guys can reply to my post, thanks.
“You can’t make someone like you!”
How do I know?
(1) I never could!
(2) No one ever could make me do so either! (They could, however, repulse me.)
Mats,
I loved your comments and felt there was so much wisdom in them. I remember about 15 years ago my ex and I were heading to a party and his ex-girlfriend whom he’d been with for about 9 years was going to be there. She was on his pedestal! I felt threatened knowing she was going to be there, but embarrassed to feel that way (neediness can bring up so much shame). I will always remember that rather than put me down he took my hand and spent just a moment being accepting and reassuring. His acceptance and a little understanding was all I needed at that moment. I thoroughly enjoyed the party. Had he reacted differently I don’t think it would have gone so well. Sometimes just a little understanding or lack of criticism can go a long way. I have to say I also have noticed in my own life that those feelings don’t arise nearly so often – not that they never can or will but it has shifted. I just feel more comfortable in my own skin.
You also pointed out that we are all different and I think it’s so easy to forget that and think we are all alike. I loved the podcast yesterday bc the Match Matrix guy pointed out the energetic element. Everything is energy and I think we get that intuitively. Some people we totally click with and some we are neutral to, others we take an instant dislike to. Why is that? I think it is energetic. Sex is a great example of that. Someone can be a great lover and yet the chemistry just isn’t there. I thought yesterday’s explanation was a great one and in a way what you are pointing out.
I was thinking of something else that fascinates me, though, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspective on this. Why do certain people match up? So often a needy person will get together with an independent person and they will drive each other CRAZY! Why don’t needy people get together with needy people and independent people get together with independent people? You see it in other couplings as well – like the philanderer, always fucking around – with the fundamental christian (oh, and as we all know, sometimes they are one and the same person, the philandering fundamental christian – always an interesting sort!
Well, I got a little off the topic you presented but I wanted to say that I love that you had the huevos to express what you did. Kudos! I think vulnerability takes courage and we live in the gray areas, not black and white. The gray is where the juiciness is!
Regards,
Lauren
Thanks Lauren I’m glad someone enjoyed my elaborate post. I suppose I can’t hide I like writing :p. Your post inspired me more.
—-
quote:
“Why do certain people match up? So often a needy person will get together with an independent person and they will drive each other CRAZY!”
Sometimes it is just perhaps a matter of people not accepting what they are attracted to.
*The easiest example would be my own life, my ex. I am agnostic, she is 90% agnostic, but she believes in litteral reincarnation. It drove me crazy from time to time during the whole 5yrs we lived together. Yet now after 2 yrs of come down, I see that her conviction and believe actually attracted me, because my rational position doesn’t give me the goals and passion fo rthings in this world that she has. Her belief was actually a lovely way for me to get attached more to the world around me. And still I think she’s wrong and nuts for believign that.
*Another example would be the kind of girl that is attracted to macho types. Maybe she’ll have some gay friend to whom she complains about his stupidity, his lack of conversation skills, how he doesn’t respect her emotions,… And the gay friend may be all that to her exactly. But why isn’t she with such a man then? Because she doesn’t choose with her mind what attracts her. More often than not in life, this is something we can’t change and have to accept while making the best of it. PErhaps this girl can find a middle ground someday, like a macho who doesn’t beat her up.
Lol this makes me think of ‘Rihanna’ the hiphop artist who was beaten by her boyfriend. How else would you explain that a succesfull popular and beautiful women like that ends up with a pathetic piece of trash that beats her? Because she is attracted to the bad boy.
All you can do I’d say is try and discover what your turn-ons/attractions are, and then accept them or find middle ground between what the mind says it wants and what the body wants.
I myself often think (mind) I want a happy go lucky girl, but I often end up not being able to connect to them in conversation or in touching (body/unconscious fancy)
—-
Then a remark again about neediness. The way I described neediness i my previous post actually has an odd paradoxical aspect to it. Basically I defended my right to feel needy without urging it onto a specific person (especially when first meeting someone). It is trying to put this neediness as a burdon on someone you are not in love with (mutually), that is repulsive.
However feeling needy, honestly expressing this to someone without putting the burden on them to resolve your need… perhaps isn’t needy at all.
The paradox in short is then:
I’m needy, but because I accept that feeling and can honestly express it, I am not.
When people tell me that neediness has no place at all in relationships, my reaction is: well if I wouldn’t feel any need for someone to be close to me, I would live as a Buddhist monk in a monastery. It sounds like a great state to be in if you can do it, the monk thing. For the time being, my personal mastery of desire and perhaps neediness is imperfect, I still desire a love relationship, and I believe that with measure, these feelings have their place in love.
Now David’s post to me was perhaps most about when you lose this measure, and try to burden other people with it. And then you often come across as a dangerous nearly insane person.
PS You see, longest post again
.
Ha ha – I know all about long posts. Mine don’t look oh so long to me until I press click and presto it is a treatise!
Again, great point and I get where you went with it. I believe the key is this: owning our own s**t rather than making it someone else’s responsibility. So often when we feel triggered it is easy to blame the other person. Then we lay alot of pooh pooh on them, and guess what, they resent it – what a surprise! Emotional maturity to me is about owning what is ours (as best we can – when we get really triggered we can’t always see it) and being willing to voice it and do something about it – what I admire about your post. There is a big difference between saying how we feel and expecting someone else to “fix” it for us.
With that said, it is also a healing experience, I believe, to have someone see us in our less that perfect selves and still accept and love us. We need to cultivate compassion for those we care about. Maybe we can’t do it in every moment, but come on, show some love!
Also, I hear you about the who we fall for. Our hearts and minds are not always in agreement. I must say I have always followed my heart. At times perhaps I have made mistakes because of that and my mind is very present as well. But at the end of the day it is my heart that leads, for better or worse…or both.
Lastly, as you imply, we are creatures of attachment. If we are incapable of forming attachments and bonding we are usually in pretty deep emotional trouble. Although I consider myself spiritually oriented I find this whole detachment thing to be pretty much BULLSHIT.
Wow, great posts you guys!
In my experience, those people who voluntarily go and detach themselves from their own feelings (known people like this, and used to do it myself many many years ago) are doing so as a defense mechanism. It is perhaps again our ego protecting us.
And yes Mats, I think your paradox holds true to some extent. We all have needs, and being able to identify & communicate them to the other person will allow you to strengthen the relationship (I think this was a blog a few days ago actually). Thus its not likely to fall in the category of “being needy”. However, it is also entirely possible for someone to still be needy under these conditions. I think what would make someone needy, is seeking total approval in order to function in one aspect of their lives, as opposed to seeking the occasional validation/reassurance under specific conditions. Its the difference basing a decision entirely based on the thoughts (or lack of) of one person, and seeking someone’s opinion to get a bigger picture of things.
Oh, and in regards to people being absolutely opposite and attracting each other… People have different opinions on this matter, but I personally believe that opposites do not attract each other.
Opposites may attract each other enough through similarities, but will not attract each other based in their differences (I’m pretty sure that a “slob” and a “neat freak” could not attract each other based only on their cleanliness habits).
And in regards to your personal experience with your ex (I don’t have the full picture here, so just going off by what you said), it sounds that the difference in beliefs actually did drive you crazy, but that you were attracted rather to her passion towards her beliefs and the fact that she helped you become more attached to things of this world. So no actual attraction in the difference of belief, but rather, by-products of her beliefs. Does this make sense?
By the way, did not mean to intrude on your personal life, rather, I wanted to suggest a theory to see what you thought of it, and see if actually holds true
Mario:
Since you asked us to comment on your valentine’s day post, here are my thoughts on the matter. You are grading your progress entirely based on whether you have a date on this day or not man. You need to “go to the batting cages” every day to practice and get a little better. Keep doing it and soon enough you will start hitting the ball. Keep at it, and eventually you’ll be getting home-runs!
Nothing changes on Valentine’s man! Valentine is just like any other date except that it has a lot of peer added pressure to be dating someone on that day (it works just like new years resolutions as explained in the blog a few weeks ago). Just because you do or do not have a date does not equate to you getting better or not at dating. You get better at it by working on it constantly.
Instead of concentrating on the outcome, concentrate on the process while having the outcome somewhere in the back of your mind. Now, if you still want to set yourself a milestone/goal, then draw out a plan with specific steps to help you get there (e.g. “I want to end up with a date for valentine, so I will talk to 10 girls everyday to help create that possibility”). And by all means, have fun and be creative with that plan
(e.g. “I want to end up with a date for valentine, so I will talk to everyone I encounter throughout my day, and organize a dinner/get together for all the single people that I meet, so that many people will have a good time and so that I open myself to the possibility of many dates coming out of this event”).
Good luck mario, and please keep us updated!
Wow, Gerardo, I think you really summed it up:
I think what would make someone needy, is seeking total approval in order to function in one aspect of their lives, as opposed to seeking the occasional validation/reassurance under specific conditions.
Right on – it is about needing someone else to make one feel like a whole person. I am not enough unless this person needs me or wants me. My cup is empty without…whatever it is. And that neediness cannot be hidden for long. It shows up in so many ways – and it is not pretty. It is also very painful for the person experiencing it. It’s like there is not enough of a core or foundation inside.
The detachment part is very fascinating to me. There are whole systems of personality styles that have been developed (and each has different defense mechanisms as you have mentioned). One “style” is detached. While it can be a great protection,I think it also can prevent someone from really engaging in relationship. I think we all have these aspects, it’s just a matter of degree and each aspect has its plusses and minuses so it’s a matter of finding balance.
That leads me to think about withholding, which I think can be one of the “deadliest” things for a relationship. It is common, though. Like for example, how about the fact that lots of women withhold sex and use it as a bargaining chip. I think if I were a guy experiencing that I might look elsewhere! Sorry ladies!
Lauren:
In your posts in general I’m realizing you are really good at communicating!
Not only are you able to define and elaborate on things, but you are able to explain them in ways that people can relate to and understand. 
Kinda curious now, what is your background?(Any sociology/psychology/writing in there?).
And yes, I agree with you that withholding is one of the worst things that a person can do both to themselves and their partner. If you don’t allow yourself to feel/live certain experiences (within a balance and you mentioned) then you are cheating yourself out of life. And as far as withholding sex, the moment girls do it, is the moment they start making sex a tool rather than fantastic experience in which people can become a lot closer with their partner. I personally believe that if a girl withholds sex, then there is something majorly wrong with the relationship. I mean, after all she is sacrificing her own pleasure in order to annoy/use the other person! Whats up with that!?
Gerardo- dude thanks man it makes a lot of sense. Actually I think I’m going to the mall but I still I’m not able to go alone to the mall. Its weird I don’t know why.
And yea I get you man I think I’m just being an overreactor I shouldn’t be cause I’m a fucking amazing fun dude.
I just for some reason can’t go to the mall alone.
Hey Gerardo,
Thanks for your kind comments. I do have a background in psychology and have done some writing. I’m soon launching a blogging website and I’m enjoying getting involved in this community as it is my favorite relationship website.
It is interesting the women’s withholding sex thing. I think some women are disconnected from their enjoyment of sex. If not, they might not be so quick to use it as a bargaining chip. And I’m sure that must be painful for all parties concerned.
I love all these conversations. I have really enjoyed your comments as I find them insightful as well. It is all very thought-provoking and stimulating.
Regards,
Lauren
Lauren what age would you say that girls understand what they really want from a guy. Im 16 and I’m doing a documentary by going to the mall and by interviewing girls what they want in a guy. What would you say that I can ask to them? What questions do yooq
do you think would be good for the documentary. I’m also reallllly interested in phsycology. Would you care to explain to me what it consists of?
Give me your facebook link or msn
Without more,
Mario
Mario RE: Valentine’s Post: If she doesn’t call/text you back, she’s not interested. Forget about her, and delete her number. Next. You don’t have to tell her you’re attracted to her for a while, it is implied. Women are subtle. You can’t walk up to a woman and say “you’re so beautiful” for a wide variety of reasons. If you’re talking to them and asking for a number, obviously you’re attracted, since guys don’t ask for numbers they don’t intend on calling (usually). So, stating the fact is redundant and makes you look needy. Compliment less and your compliments mean more.
As far as what women want, most whom I’ve talked to tell me that it is not until at least their mid-20′s. Girls in their high school years definitely don’t, although there are maybe 0.1% who do. College girls are similar, except you’ll find more who do know what they’re looking for. The girls who are the big partiers do not know what they’re looking for more often than not. After they have been out of college for a bit and dated several guys, they know who they’re looking for. Just ask a woman in her late 20′s to early 30′s if there was a shift in thinking from age 23 to age 28 or 29, it is monumental.
Hey travis thanks man. It’s going to help me on the in the documentary. What questions would you ask them if you could do a movie?
Which age group are you targeting and what subjects are you personally interested in?
Some popular ideas:
* What do you want a guy to do/say when he approaches you?
* How would you like a guy to ask for your number?
* What’s your idea of a perfect first date?
* How do you dream of a guy “picking you up?”
Some ideas.
I like those. Well we are pretty much going to the mall put up a camera and wait till curiosity kills the pussy. When they ask us what the camera is for then we will interview them. We are pretty much aiming for a wide range. In school we already have 5 girls around 16 or 17 that said they would be willing to come out in the documentary.
Now for women in their 20′s i dont know how hard it will be. It all depends on how open they are. If anyone has any ideas please tell them to me on facebook or email me. I need these ideas by next week so if anyone has any I mean any idea just tell me I would really aprecciate it.
Regards,
Mario
Just so you know, clicking your name doesn’t get to your Facebook, it only gets to a generic home page. Women in their 20′s will be more open and less self-conscious than girls in their teens.
Hi Mario,
I thought Travis gave you some good suggestions and questions. I think it is probably true that women in their 20′s and early 30′s know more than girls in their teens because they have had some relationship experiences and they learn through those experiences what they like and don’t like, what works for them and what doesn’t work. Have you thought about what you want in a girl?
Psychology is a broad field and I would suggest you look it up on Wikipedia or you could also go to a bookstore and take a look at a dictionary of psychology. They often describe the different branches of psychology and terms so that might be a good overview.
My first experience with a psychologist was at age 17 when my mom found the best pot I’d ever had and flushed it down the toilet – bummer. She thought I needed to see a psychologist and I thought “that’s cool” because I thought I might want to be one. She went in and talked about the situation first and next was my appointment. After talking to me for one session the psychologist told her I was well-adjusted and didn’t need him (he was about 30 and I had the sneaking suspicion he was probably a fellow dope smoker. For about the next century I heard about how I “snowed” the psych. Funny story!
If you ever do go to a therapist I view them as I do a car mechanich or any other occupation – some are lousy, many mediocre, and a few are excellent. The excellent ones are coming from a place of their life experiences – something books can never teach. The best therapist I ever had paid his way through college being a pool shark! He had lived life and let me tell you I got my “bang for my buck” so to speak. He was a straight shooter and was brilliant. He knew his shit inside out.
Anyway, good luck with your documentary. Have fun with it!
Lauren
Yea laren I will. Thanks for all the info. I plan to make it really funny and interesting for them as well as me. I dont even know if people at the mall allow filiming inside. Who Knows. All i know is that its going to be interesting.
Travis it should work now. for my facebook.
Cool! Good luck. Hey, I wanted to tell you that your post on the more recent blog about how fortunate we are and how much we have in our lives was awesome! There is hardly a day that goes by that I am unaware of that. We really really are quite fortunate, especially all the love we have in our lives.
Personally I find neediness in a woman to be a huge turn-on. I’m not a controlling guy at all but I really like submissive, needy girls.
I dated a heroin addict once & I loved the feeling of being able to protect and care for her. I got really turned on seeing her strung out and kind of helpless.
Oh well. Maybe I’m just fucked up…
Neediness is really fascinating. I wish I knew then what I’m starting to understand now. Tragic as it may be me. Men wreak neediness like bad onions sitting in the sun. I didn’t realize women were so receptive to emotions. One day I witnessed first hand a grown “man” begging and following and offering his entire being to a woman he didn’t know shit about. I’ve been there too. I still get stung by the needybug but fuk I’m human too. Neediness to me in my opinion is an emotional overload of negative “feeling”. You could be doing everything right then get stung by Mr.Needybug and that instantly kills all attraction. You just painted red flags all over yourself not to mention you showed her that your not the confident domineering alpha she might lust for.
hi guys, I have been in an online relationship for about a lil more than a year..now shes quite far away from me..and we usually talk it out on skype..or any other messengers..but its really just impossible for me to find myself at fault for being needy..until i read about it..but its just so hard to let go off of that feeling..you want her laughs to be with you, smiles to be for you and eyes glued to you…
In my case I give her undivided attention , so i use to find it fair to expect the same..but recently i realised..not everyday she wants to talk about, how her day was…or how was work..she’d just wana watch a movie and sleep peacefully…
Now I’am a die-hard lover but later on..today..infact a few mins back..i realised I might even be a kill joy..and Duh! a needy lover..
You guys are doin a great job mentioning various dynamics of a relationship..
I did a lot of homework to learn myself and my partner..Enneagram , Myer Brigates, astrology, face reading , palm reading…and now many things are quite clear…but that doesnt make em them easier to accept..
But I have def learned alot today, thanks to u guys sharing you personal relationships and knowledge..
Great Job peeps, Angel in disguise art thou =)