Don’t Be Him
By David Wygant
For those of you over the age of 35, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were just out of college at 22, you went to a hip fun trendy bar full of people your age, and there was always that one guy there who was wearing a bad leather jacket, some seriously bad jeans and had a comb-over?
The more you watched him, the more he creeped you out. He looked like he was molesting every woman with his eyes, and he had a totally desperate feel about him.
For those of you still in your twenties, you also know the guy I’m talking about. He stands out like a sore thumb. He comes to the bar alone and leaves alone. He brings with him who look like three of his brothers, all of whom look about the same: lost and desperate.
So for those of you over 35, think back to when you were 22 and remember seeing this guy. Now I’m going to ask you a question. Did you become him?
Are you over 40 standing in a bar or nightclub populated by a bunch of 20-somethings still hoping to meet someone? You’ve just become the person you and you’re friends used to make fun of and mock.
Do you think that this is your only option? Do you realistically believe that you are going to get a different result than you’ve ever gotten before? Are you instead maybe just off a divorce and you don’t know any better?
You don’t belong in a bar on a Friday night with 20-somethings, because you are going to look just like that man of which you used to make fun. Ladies, stop snickering. Your turn is coming.
Remember when you were 22 standing in that bar dressed all seductive, and you made fun of the women who dressed like a 16 year-old and who looked at all the manboys like she hadn’t eaten a meal in 20 years? You used to not only make fun of her, but you also swore you would never be her . . . and now you are her.
Now don’t start getting pissed off and telling me about how there is nowhere else to go on a Friday night. That’s a bunch of crap!
You just haven’t admitted to yourself yet that you need a new strategy and that you don’t belong in that 20-something bar. There are plenty of places for you to go on a Friday night where people hang out who are more age appropriate.
First, there are the higher end restaurants that have a bar that the 20-somethings can’t afford. Second, you can go to a bookstore. Third, you can go to a little cafe that isn’t a pickup place . . . a place where adults go.
These are just some tips. This blog is not about listing 50 things for you to go and do besides going and standing in a 20-something bar. This blog is about admitting to yourself that this time in your life is over, and that you need to start marketing yourself in more age appropriate environments.
It’s okay that you don’t belong in these places. I don’t go to them. I also don’t belong in them . . . because I no longer want to be “that guy.” It’s time to start becoming the man or woman into whom you have evolved and embrace this person who you’ve become.
If you are “that guy” or “that woman,” you need to immediately order my Mastery Series. My Mastery Series will show you how to embrace all the little opportunities that you don’t see.
Todays video will show you how not to be him. There are many other options out there.
Good afternoon from Long Island,
I was reading with excitement your most recent blog “Don’t Be Him,” and in many ways it’s not only a reality check, but very blunt. And after reading, I came to the conclusion that I’m “him,” even though I never thought I was.
I’m 29, and I’ll be 30 this April. I live in the suburbs of the world’s biggest city, where there is a tremendous amount of single people…if anyone can think of an area where there’s more, please let me know. I’m not in a rush to get married, but I also am very alone and isolated, with good reason. I broke down and admitted I don’t know anything about women, or dating in general. I can even count on one hand the number of women I’ve dated, and none of them went past a first date.
David spoke about how it is OK to admit you don’t belong in certain areas. I have never been much of a bar or club person. The only times when I did go to these places was when I was curious and wanted to explore the atmosphere, and I ended up being the wallflower, staring at how pretty the women were, and they were probably thinking unflattering thoughts about me and then some. I have tried online dating repeatedly, JDate has been six times, which is six times too much. And when I am on AOL, the chat rooms are becoming “been there, done that.” I’m too old for the twenties room, where most of the conversation is conducted by “bots” and high school kids, and too young for the thirties room-and besides, women don’t date younger guys.
It’s tough to find a place, I’ll admit that. Reading “Always Talk To Strangers” really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Unfortunately, for reasons I can’t get into right now, I’m not able to talk to women. The only thing is I can say is I have a disability…and let’s leave it at that.
-Steven
Steven
I know many women who will date guys that are your age.
A lot of them are in their 30s so dont discount anything.
Its all about attitude and how to turn her on with your mind…..she will not see age if you intrigue her.
This is very true! The women won’t see your age, if you intrique her.
People will use anything they can to make an excuse not to talk to someone. it is all feared based and the first step is to embrace who you are.
Steven sounds like a great guy and I know if he starts to believe in himself things will really turn around for him.
Steven you need to get my mastery series my book was good but i created the mastery series to be very specific and powerful for a man.
Its great to see you on the postings and look forward to hearing from you.
On another note.
Went to the David Gray concert last night.
If you have never heard David Gray you must immediatly download his stuff.
By far the best music to get intimate with.
Hello David (and everyone else reading),
I must say again that you definitely have some interesting thoughts about the opposite sex. I can’t speak for anyone (or anywhere else), but I was always led to believe that when it comes to women, most women refuse to date younger guys for this reason-they’re not mature. I can’t say I blame them for feeling that way. It’s true that women mature faster than men do both biologically and otherwise, and most women simply feel like dating a younger guy is too much of a hassle for them. I think the media (especially television) sometimes gives the idea that dating older women is sexy and a real-turn on (i.e. the gardner who was exploring Eva Longoria on “Desperate Housewives.” Some women feel if a younger guy is interested in them, it’s only because they’re looking to be “taught” things. At least in my experiences in the chat rooms, when a woman asks my age, and I’m younger, it ends with a “Too young bye” or “Sorry…bye” comment. But at least there’s hope that women would consider dating younger guys!
Hello David (and everyone else),
I wanted to use my entry to elaborate on something I posted earlier. I re-read your “Always Talk To Strangers” book and focused on your anecdotes about confidence being the alluring scent and not letting you beat you before you started.
My comment I made about having a disability is true, and perhaps you’ll see why I made it. Ever since age three, I have had a really bad stuttering problem. It hasn’t hindered me from doing well in my college education, but it has caused problems for me in my job search as well as my social life. For a long time I felt I had to accept who I was, that I could never work for a social life and work for the right to enjoy the company and pleasure of a young woman. In my online profiles I mentioned this so that people upfront would know, because I am a package deal-accept me, accept my speech. This was so paralyzing I felt like I was reverting to my childhood and I would not speak unless I was spoken to.
I am actively involved with the National Stuttering Association, and every year they have conferences where I have met other people who stuttered and that has made me feel a little better about myself. But in a way, I’m jealous of some girls there who stutter. As a guy who stutters, it hurts to be rejected because of something you can’t control…speech therapy has helped me but outside of the office I feel like my comfort zone is gone. For a woman, they can be beautiful and stunning and a guy, even if he feels uncomfortable with the fact they stutter, can overlook it if the girl is pretty.
I have read about your bootcamps and how people say their lives were changed. I definitely think I need to attend one…it may not be for a while, with my finances, and that’s understandable. But when I read how people have had their lives changed, it got to me. I’ve been accused of milking my disability, I don’t think so. I’m realistic. Believe me, there are people who suffer through far worse than what I do. But there are times that I wish I could be deaf, so then I wouldn’t have to hear how cruel people can be. If I can be successful with women, then just maybe anything is possible.
Hmmm…..
That’s interesting. I have to tell you Steven, that the younger man/older woman thing is all in your head. In the three years that I’ve been single, I’ve only had one date older than me that was worth dating more than once. Most of the men I date are in their thirties and I’m 43. I have to confess that during the first six months that I was divorced, I was her. I went to bars about three times during that time. It just reinforced for me the fact that it is like going to the butcher shop and picking out the prized roast. Tonight I feel every bit of those 43 years, but tomorrow is another day, thankfully. I’m honestly thinking about tweaking my social life by changing my specialty at work and making a move the ER. At least that way I’ll meet different people everyday. I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it some more. I really like the ICU.
Steven, try looking at it this way, you can be the guy who is meeting women and chatting them up and getting to know them who also happens to stutter or you can be the guy who is alone and stutters. We’re not all mean and nasty. Yeah, you’ll probably meet some that are, but if you don’t meet anyone at all, you’ll never meet one who doesn’t care if you stutter. How alone do you want to be?
Personally, I’m quite happy on my own, but sharing my life with others always makes me happier.
Hmmmm. “Life In Slow Motion, From Here You Can Almost See The Sea–2005? or 06″ David Gray.
Ummmm David Wygant—we will talk later—LOL
His music is great. That song I remember because where I am from—You CAN look out your window and “See the Sea” (well the pacific ocean blue–good enough:)
Here in TexASS well you don’t “sea” but muddy waters called “the bay.” Pfffffffft
Ok, since this isn’t David Gray Day—I do like and agree with this blog content very much.
I am one who is still evolving and embracing me, not trying to look nor act 20—because for me 20 sucked—in more ways than one. Married and blind to anything outside of “the man I loved.” Be swoon my heart Where is that rolly- eyed icon when I need it?? LOL
We go to one of those “Upper end–WAY upper end Restaurants with the crowd that runs from upper thirties to God knows—probably Methuselahs age!
Last time there, this obviously very wealthy woman started laughing and joking with me and a few others (I think she had the hots for the football jock really;)
She was wrinkled worse than a California raisin–prune long past–but fun and so lively. I had to laugh so hard when she pulled us aside and asked us if we wanted to go smoke with her, opening her little jewel encrusted purse so discreetly, showing us a joint. She says, “This is some very good weed that gets the job done.” LOLLLLLL well I am not sure what “job” she was referring to but when she came back, she reaked and had me laughing so much. I may have gotten a contact high!
She wore patchoulli, which I knew right when she walked up—she was an 86 year old high class hippie;)))))))) I loved her and hope to see her Thursday night for some more stories and fun. She has some “Back in the day” stuff to tell!!!
Seems my friend has a thing for happy hour and Thursday night dining. Ok by me–haven’t had to deal with but one jerk so far who actually followed us to the salsa club.
Ok, well damn. Hey, catch more in my upcoming book LOL!
These really are the boring stories, but I will be scensored for the meat of the novel;))
DAVID:
WHY do you continue to tolerate such behavior out of me?? LMAO
Hey Steven, after reading your comments I thought about my dating experiences and I realized, I’ve never dated an older man…but I am open to it.
Steven K-
Your situation reminds me of when I met Bob “Butterbean” Love, who was a forward with the Chicago Bulls and held the team’s all-time scoring record before Michael Jordan came along. At the time, he was doing PR for Nordstrom’s, and he was visiting the company I worked for as a motivational speaker.
Love had lots of connections to help get job interviews after he retired from basketball, but he never got hired because he had a terrible stuttering problem. He told us he could see his interviewer’s jaw drop, as soon as he was introduced, and the interviewer’s initial enthusiasm at meeting wilted visibly. As a result, the only job he could find was working as a busboy at the restaurant in Nordstrom’s, in Seattle. He described how humiliating it was for him to be recognized when he was busing dishes.
Love had never had any speech therapy, but he decided to push ahead and try to make the best of his situation, working his butt off and doing the best he could as a busboy. After six months, management offered to pay for speech therapy for him if he could find a therapist. He found one from an advertisement he saw while riding a bus to work.
He said that after a lot of therapy and continued commitment to his work, he was put in charge of the kitchen and finally made enough progress that Nordstrom’s offered him a position in public relations. Then he told us that the day before his visit to us, he had just gotten a call from the Chicago Bulls, and they wanted him to come work for them. He started to choke up when he said how much that meant to him, and that he was going to accept the job. Believe me, there were a lot of moist eyes in the room, including mine.
HIs point was basically that life was 20% determined by what happens to you, and 80% what you do about it. After listening to his story, we were all ready to buy it. I hope you find some helpful therapy for your stuttering and come to terms with it in a healthy frame of mind. I know it’s a difficult problem. In fact, Love still stuttered a couple of times during his talk and had to stop and gather himself before continuing, but if you have confidence in yourself, it lets you overcome amazing obstacles.
P.S.- I just found this link to an article about him. It goes into more detail and is a great read. Apparently, there’s a documentary about his life. I couldn’t find a date on the article, but it seems relatively recent.
http://www.chicagosportsreview.com/inthemeantime/contentview.asp?c=201686
CJ
That si what Steven needs to hear and realize.
We all have these misconceptions that need to be reworked,
That is why i write a blog every day and set up this an open forum,
Wow Bob! What a great story! Thank you!
BobM;
I ditto Berties coment here.
It is always nice to read your comments–very inspirational to the spirit mind and body this one.
Sorry I’ve been away, I had surgery, then I got sick, yada yada. Anyway, just trying to catch up on all the great blogs I’ve missed!
Boy is this one a gem. I’m 28 and there are certain bars I won’t even go to because I know I’ve outgrown them. I still see those men/women you’re referring to and it does make me sad. I realize they don’t know any better, but it doesn’t make it any less creepy to watch.
Anyway, keep up the good work, David.
Every time I see these I think of his work and how much lighter and easier it must be to set this up instead an old smelly canvas tent. ,