Don’t Take it Personally
February 20, 2009 
61 Comments
Earlier today, I was in this great mood. We went to Whole Foods, and as I was walking in the automatic door, this cute woman starts to go in at the same time. I said, “After you,” and she just looked down at the floor, didn’t smile or anything, and walked in and away.
Has this ever happened to you?
In my mind, I thought, “Thank god I don’t ever have to talk to her again!”
Her reaction wasn’t about me. I didn’t take it personally. Most guys would think, “Oh no, what did I do wrong? I must have done something wrong!”
But in reality, you can take it a step further and have a fun little visual: imagine having sex with her. Wouldn’t that be fun? She’d just lie there like a sack of potatoes. That’s how you have to start thinking. Start finding the humor in these things.
I get blown off all the time too – but I don’t give a shit! You have to stop thinking negatively, and get out of your head!
Just wanted to share a quick moment with you all today. I am out for the day I have an LA bootcamp this weekend and a great group of guys that will learn this attitude and many others.
Have an amazing Friday!
Hahahaha. David I don’t know why but I pictured someone having sex with a sack of potatoes and enjoying it more than that woman. Have a good bootcamp weekend too.
When I react that way, it usually has nothing to do with the other person, and more to do with what is going on with me. Any number of reasons a person might behave that way, that still doesn’t make them boring, or someone you’d never want to talk to (just not talk to in the moment). In other words, you can not take it personally, and not pass judgment on them as a defense mechanism.
* was assaulted recently
* lost someone close to them
* recently lost their job
* was in a car accident
* is in a lot of pain, and doesn’t want to share/inflict it on others at the moment
* is in a hurry and doesn’t want to engage with other people
Is imagining yourself having sex with someone who was just assaulted, especially if it was sexual assault, really something you want to do to avoid taking it personally? Why not just think of the reasons their mood may have nothing to do with you.
You say to think positively David, but why not give other the benefit of the doubt, rather than, oh, they must not be worth talking to ever if in this one moment they aren’t responsive? That doesn’t sound very positive.
Reasons I might not want to talk to someone who looks away– it takes two to connect, if they aren’t interested in connecting, I am not interested in forcing a connection. Maybe some other time.
If you’re taking it personally, you might want to take a look at how you’re judging yourself, and then STOP IT.
hi Lexi:)
i think lot of guys put too much pressure on meeting women that they totally forget to think about how the she might be feeling.
This one time, I was at a college campus, and I was behind this one woman, and all sudden a group of guys came right behind her, and one of the guys said out loud, “she got no ass” and of course the girl ignored all of the guys. Then i noticed her energy fell so quick, she looked really sad, i was so mad at those guys, i wanted to kick their ass. So i walked up to this woman, at first she didn’t want to talk to me until, i explained to her how immature those guys were, and what they yelled to her isn’t true. It made her feel a lot better. I felt good that she knew the truth.
SO it goes back to today’s post, so many things could happen to someone, because of that she may not talk to you or be more open!!
I’m taking major offense to this. I’m originally from Russia and my fellow countrymen find sacks of potatoes irresistibly sexy! Not everybody was fortune enough to have one!
You are absolutely right about starting to find humor in things. You can’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out alive.
Good points Lexi & Yakub! The girl might simply have been lost in thought or maybe she kinda felt shy or submissive or sheepish at David’s greeting and offer to let her go first. She could have been feeling down a bit, or tired, or maybe even thinking that David was the 10th guy today trying to pick her up. Anything could’ve been going through her mind that was nothing personal against David. She wasn’t being bitchy or stuck up based on what little she did as a response. It was a reserved & reticent kind of behavior that really can’t be judged.
If you want to talk about a truly negative reaction to holding the door open for a woman, I’ve seen it. I’ve held doors open and usually gotten a polite “Thank you” but a couple times I got a sneer and another time a girl walked in and didn’t say anything, but had her nose cocked up at an almost 90 degree angle as if she was a spoiled, stuck up “princess” type who felt the universe revolved around her. That girl wasn’t looking down, but almost all the way to the sky. That is what you call a blow-off.
And no, I didn’t have a devious smile on my face or ogling her like I wanted to shag her on the spot or say anything unseemly. I simply opened the door and motioned with my left hand with kind of a waving motion as usual for her to go on in ahead of me. But regardless, twice I got a sneer and once that stuck up princess routine.
But after many years, those have been the exceptions, not the rule. Most of the time, here in the South anyway, women will respond with a polite “Thank you.”
In situations where you would have expected a thank you. depending on their attitude and mine I
Will say with a clear voice something from have a nice day to a thick sarcastic YOUR WELCOME.
Lexi,
If you ignored me like what happened to David, I wouldn’t take it personally. I would just probably think you are gay!
Happens to the best of us…
Tony888- where in south are you from?
Tony888– I give you a big deeply sincere thank you! For opening doors! Even if I’m in a shitty mood, I will thank a person (man or woman) who holds a door open for me. I’ll also hold a door open for someone (man or woman) who has their hands full. One of my guy friend’s biggest complaints was not that women ran hot or cold re: the doors thing, but that if his arms were full, no one would help him, but men helped women all the time. I guess you can tell a lot about whether or not you would be a good match with someone based on their response to holding doors.
Sounds like an amazing view David! If I was one of those people bashing on you (a few blogs ago) and you counter bashed on me, I wouldn’t give a shit! haha
But seriously. I’ve been blown off by so many girls, you just get it in your head. WHO GIVES A FLYING RAT PISS! So I’m just a happy go lucky dude.
David, I agree and disagree with you on today’s blog. I agree that we shouldn’t give a crap if a girl blows us off.
The last time I got blown off was at the gym. I had made eye contact with this girl and she looked at me over and over so I said, I’m gonna talk to this chick. So she’s walking past me and I wave and say hi and she has this weirded out look on her face and I’m about to say something when she continues walking right past me. I said, Wait! I wanna ask you something and she continued to walk. I just looked at her, in complete disbelief of what was happening and she finally stopped, REMOVED HER EARPHONE and asked what as if she was being bothered? In disappointment I said, Nevermind. And she walked off.
I’m guessing she didn’t want to be bothered at the moment, hence the earphones. She’s the one I said I want to talk to but haven’t had the chance to. Anyhow, I know it’s not me because the dame looks at me every time. Now, however, it seems awkward after that first encounter. What do you guys think I should do when I see her again? I was thinking I should approach her and just kinda explain that our first encounter was a bit strange and I just wanted to ask her a question. Then I would ask her and that would be the starter. etc.
That part I disagree with is the part where you wanna imagine having sex with her. Instead of doing that, why don’t you have some compassion and say something nice like, hope you have a nice day. Imagining sex with a stranger because she blew you off sounds semi-perverted to me. I’m not saying I don’t imagine having sex with hot girls, but why take that approach? If you say you don’t take it personally when someone blows you off then it would stop right there and you wouldn’t even thank god that you never have to talk to her again because maybe you would want to talk to her after all.
In Texas, everybody holds the door for everyone. If you get to the door first, you hold it open until there is no one else needing to come in or somebody else takes over holding the door. And you say thank you even if you are in a crabby mood. It’s so automatic that I was absolutely shocked the first time I left Texas and someone let the door close in my face. He had the nerve to think that I expected everyone to open the door for me because I thought I was cute.
I know, the assholes are doing me a favor by showing their true colors early on. It just amazes me that the subject of opening doors keeps coming up. If you see someone with an armful, open the damn door!
I want to ask you all something in the evenings I come home and I open up my email and all of a sudden I get an email returned to me saying FUCK YOU! Now I am not here to start any trouble with anyone and I do have feelings like the rest of you. So next time you tell someone this think before you say. For how would you like it if you come home and all of a sudden the person you are with wants to tell you all the bad things that happened that day and start an argument yes I did take it personally and how do you expect me to feel. Yes I will come back and defend myself. I came to blog and try to give my advice but it seems as though there is only one that is target practice is ME! Play it on someone else people have put me down pushed me around hey I am used to it for I am Jewish. My mother said to me one time I would claim to be Jewish for there are people who will kill Jews.
The person who said this knows who they are and I see why no one wants to be around them for they are heartless people in this world. It goes to prove what I said before a guy that does not like will say what the hell you looking at BITCH.
correction I would not claim to be Jewish for there are people who do not like Jews and they would kill you just to look at you.
Sandra,
Just before getting up for a 3 mile jog, I see these posts…
You need a hug; here’s a big hug for you, coming from AZ.
Sandra,
I would never say the f-word to anyone as mad as I can be. I personally, don’t cuss and for some, it’s a way of letting off steam. Just ignore those emails and posts and carry on, but honestly, you comment way too much on this blog and it’s bound to happen that you get on everyone’s nerves. Most of what you say makes no sense and you start talking about your life and many times what you say (along with many others on here) has nothing to do with the blog that David wrote. Just the other day everyone went off and started talking about which celebrity is hot and then that went in a different direction and it was irrelevant to the topic David posted.
Stay on topic people. Don’t bring your drama to this forum. Keep it on topic. Agree and disagree agreeably.
See, now I went off the topic. Please don’t anyone respond to this post of mine. Just say something about what David blogged.
Yakub,
I’m in Tennessee.
Lexi & Jen,
I agree. It’s common courtesy & respect really. And the way I was brought up. And most women do give me the courtesy & respect back by saying “Thank you.” I’m not going to give a girl a hard time if upon letting her in front or through the door she seems distracted or preoccupied by her thoughts, like something is weighing on her. No harm or foul.
It’s the snotty, stuck up types that are likely to rub me the wrong way. But I should just let it roll off like the proverbial water off a duck’s back. If she’s that way very often, she’s not someone I’d want to bother getting to know anyway. I wouldn’t even want to shag her, because a bitchy woman loses major attractiveness points fast. That kind is likely to be a gf from hell and I’d pity the guy who’d have to put up with a shallow, self absorbed primadonna on a daily basis. That kind of girl/woman will be someone else’s problem, not mine.
J-Dude
Thanks I needed that if you really want to know something I have had one hell of a February and I don’t know what March is going to be like. If you were in my shoes you would know I feel like I am being put through living hell without no one to talk too. But my parents
Tony888
I live in Tennessee also. But right now don’t feel like blogging since I am target practice of some people.
I think that this is a timely blog, considering some of our fellow bloggers’ penchant for “emoting” and then feeling bad when someone “emotes” back at them. Gang, it’s not all about YOU, hence the “Don’t Take It Personally” blog subject du jour. This could have more global applications than just taking the initiative to start a conversation.
Guys – On behalf of all of the ungrateful women who ever snubbed you for opening or holding open a door for them: THANK YOU!! When I was transferred from the nice, clean, white-collar office building to the noisy, grimy, blue-collar warehouse, I was a little worried about being accepted. But I have NEVER in my entire life seen so many men of all ages open doors, pick up things that get dropped, or assist the women and men in the area without being asked.
Someone once said that ‘manners grease the wheels of civilization.’ It certainly beats sniffing each other and pushing each other out of the way to get somewhere first. So when some unappreciative woman ignores your courtesy, remember that you can afford to be big about it. Why? Because other women are watching you take the rudeness in stride and they are putting you on their list to bump into ‘accidentally’, smile at, etc. because you got game that you may not even have considered.
There are times that a guy will hold open the door and I would say thank you and say hi to him and ask him about his day. That usually brings on a conversation or smile to his face. Even if I am in a bad mood or thinking about something. I say hi to the people there at the convenience store that I go to.
Holding doors is also a cultural thing, i never expect a guy to hold the door just because he is a man.
Over here majority holds the door and that does not say anything about how they are as people, if you really look at people often men use it to take a second look at the person.
Mac unless she looks you in the eyes, leave her alone. Opening this one and that one for no reason than you have to makes no sense to me. Just smile as you would to anyone, if you start asking her that might sound too needy. If I were in the gym with my headphones on i was most likely doing it because i wanted to be left alone. What if she was busy daydreaming having streaming hot sex with her favorite music on and here you come along and interrupts.
I love finding the humour in everything. It has really helped me over the years. Whether it’s someone unintentionally ignoring me or an actual argument or conflict, smiling it off really makes you stronger. Difficult to master in the beginning, but once you get the ball rolling it flows.
I have a big question for you target practice people on Sandra Day?
If someone is standing in front of you and about ready to beat the shit out of you are you going to stand there and let them beat the shit out of you? If someone put as low as a Satan by calling you names are you going to stand there and let them do that or are you going to speak up? Have you ever thought this could happen to you in the same way that it is happening to me. My dad told me something when you wrong someone it will come back on you. That is the truth it will it may not come today but it will hit you out the blue and you will be reminded of what you have done. I do believe in the promises of my forefather Abraham when God said I will bless those who bless you and I will curse those who curse you. Vengenance is always be Lord Jesus in my life for vengenance of God is sevenfold. I have watched this happened to a many of people who came into my life to make me miserable. So I am not going to worry about it for I will let go and let God take care of this through his son Lord Jesus Christ.
An issue had taken place and one of my dear friends and I were talking and you know what she said next time they say bad things to you look at them and say this: You know the devil had a hold on me a few minutes ago and you know what I did I went to Lord Jesus about it and you know what he said don’t worry I have your back. Then I sat there and remember who I was and where I stood in Lord Jesus and I said unto him you can have the worry I don’t want it anymore. Then I went on with my day I can tell you some things that will make you wonder if there is truly a Lord Jesus Christ.
I don’t know if I’d even consider that being “blown off.” Just because she’s cute doesn’t mean she’s outgoing. She might just be really shy or even really insecure about herself, and so she reacted the way she did. She was probably having a bad day and had lots on her mind. You’re right about not taking it personally, but I wouldn’t even call it being blown off.
Marina,
Thanks. That makes sense. I’m just gonna smile and start from square one. I will look for the eye contact next time I see her. And the earphone situation, I would have to agree. Any girl wearing earphones is automatically off limits.
J Dozer,
I agree with you.
Sandra, I said I was sorry and if I act like an ass go ahead and tell me, that is one of your most redeeming qualities! I was discouraged and mad at myself and I took it out on you.
Anyways, I am like Jen because we are taught the same attitude in Canada. I hold the door open for everyone. But to contrast, when I am walking down the street and I approach people who don’t want to move so that both of us can pass without bumping into each other, I do something called the Canadian Body Check. If you can’t make the effort like I would to help the transition of moving around each other, then I stiffen my body just a fraction of a second before you walk in to me and… Always knocks them off balance without hurting them and wakes them up to the fact that they are not the only person on the sidewalk.
I’m a child at heart.
Mike
Mike
That was typed before you came online I get up earlier than most with having to go to work. Kathy is one of my daughters and the youngest one is the one who shares something in common with u. I thought we were square man. In other words all things have been forgiven lets try to get you out of that High School Humor sweetheart. Go out and be your own man and remember you are now in the Adult’s World. Just think you are sorta kinda fresh out of high school and remember the world does not owe you anything and in the Adult’s World they sure are not going to give it to you on a silver platter that is what I tell both of my daughters.
One of my ex husbands use to do this and I don’t know if he still does but he can be enemies with someone and when he sees them in public he will say hi to them for he knew it would get under their skin. He taught me to have the same humor.
High School Days
When we were going to High School we were in a comfort zone where we go home to our parents and have the protection of having someone being there for us. And their are some who were sent to boarding schools as well. When we are not taught what to look out for by our parents it is like they are sending us out into the den of wolves. So it is best to teach your children what the world is all about and do not have them to think oh someone will help you. Hey I learned this the hard way for there are things that I went through that I don’t talk about. To Be Continued…..Gotta Go!
Thanks Sandra.
You should have seen me five years ago when I was at my angriest. I was a terrible person but it was because I was unhappy with myself in an immense way. It takes work and I am farther along that most people imagine.
As for contacting your daughter… Why don’t you tell me your email again and lets talk off site. I can’t have all my thoughts put on this blog, it might scare some people. jk.
Mike
I am not scared:)
Bring them on
David, you automatically get a free pass on all my info (non-business related) because of how awesome you are.
Just wait to you hear my “Art of the Pimp” story. Its the one that ends with a porn star calling me to come over and have fun with her.
Which I obviously turned down.
I agree 100% with your first post Lexi.
That was exactly my reaction.
I had taken a social psychology class that stressed to not judge the person because it’s so automatic.
David, speaking on the topic of courtesy why don’t you do a blog on who pays on a date and everything that goes along with a relationship when it comes time to pay for something. My sisters were raised with the idea that a man should pay for everything and anything. Poor guys that end up with them. But you see what I mean? THere is hardly a guys perspective out there and usually woman have something to say about that.
MAC,
There is a fine line between been a gentleman, and paying for what one should on a date, and a woman feeling like she owes ass. Women don’t like to feel like they owe ass.
Mac
Where i come from the most normal is to split or take turns. Being in the states i have found it very old fashioned. I my eyes you are not more of a gentelman because you pay. You are a gentelman throug how you treat me as a person. The biggest issue i have with a lot of men is that in the beginning they might date more than one. In my book once you begin to go out to dinner etc with a girl you focus only on her. Having read some of Davids succes stories I get discusted hearing these claims I now date 3 girls Sickening unsincere men.
Yeah, about the “who pays for dinner?” question, I’ve heard it 2-3 ways. The more traditional say men should pay all the time, others say the man & woman taking turns is better, and a few go to the opposite extreme that men should never offer to pay or pay at all. Those saying that are usually the guys, the PUAs & players who do a lot of bullshit bragging about what a badass they are (or think they are)and how they never have to do anything at all because that would show they’re a wuss. What they really are are slackers or lazy-ass freeloaders. They’re the types who want to move in with the girl, crash on her sofa and not do shit all day and then order her around when she gets back from work. Something he refuses to do. Work that is.
As for what Marina said about some of the claimed success stories, yeah, I agree. A two-timing or three-timing guy is bad news.
I agree with Marina, but that is the kind of guy I am. My counter to that is, if the girl is not feeling the interest anymore, or the guy, there should be some signs that we can give each other that it is time to move on rather than wait for the bus that isn’t coming. And it’s cold outside and it sucks to have to wait for a bus that you don’t know the schedule of.
Girls do that too, dating four or five guys at a time. At least here in LA. But they are also the ones that you have to pay for everything on the date and it has to be ultra expensive.
Alright can’t help myself, I just figured out why you get blow off all the time..
It’s your damn sunglasses LOL I know how much you appreciate us commenting on them.
When some one blows you off/ignore you I think it’s a fun way to imagine doing things to them. I don’t imagine anything just use heavy sarcasm. You really cant go around figuring why and really my first concern is me and if you have lived in any big city, at a certain level it’s about power and control. By being able to release others ignoring you with whatever means leaves you powerful and in charge, and you will never think twice why someone blows you off. You just move on. I know what I am thinking but not sure if I am getting it down right.
Mike
email me at angelmouse@bellsouth.net
Mike
Go ahead and email me at angelmouse@bellsouth.net beck and i both have yahoo messenger. I don’t want to give out beck’s email addy address here on the blog.
Mike
Why would anyone be scared about what you were about to say. Why don’t you put your email up here.
It’s easy here is mine too!!!
Tennismarina@gmail.com
Mike
We all have some sort of fear but when you have friends that want to talk to you through email don’t be scared for marina and i understand. We were young once.
Luv Ya
Sandra
Oh you can look me and Marina up on Face Book we are both there and you can add us as your friends do you mind Marina. I know I should ask first.
Sandra
That’s alright..
XYZ
When a woman pays it is called Dutch. When I am with a guy and he can not afford to pay the bill I will help him but I don’t want to embarass him in front of others so I will hand him some money to help him. But all in all I do respect the guy I am with. If he says honey I can not afford to take you out this evening I am not going to ball him out for it. I will suggest how about you and I getting together this evening and watching some tube. Or doing whatever comes naturally. Remember the movie Mannequin when the guy comes up on his motorbike and the first gf gets angry well I am not like her I am more like the mannequin herself.
mac, if you see that woman with the headset on, in the gym, again, ask her something, again, if you are attracted to her. Take that risk, pal…you may be surprised, at the outcome.
Sandra – That is not entirely correct: When a man and a woman split the bill – THAT is called “going Dutch.” The old way was that the man always paid but then it changed when more women were working and then it became “whoever asks – pays.” Going Dutch was a custom among younger people because often both had limited resources.
Fortunately, we live in more enlightened times where we recognize that some women make more than men and we’re trying to be a little more considerate of each other. I’ve known guys who felt that only a wimp would let a woman pay so they over-extended themselves because it was really only their ego talking, not their common sense. For some, it was just what they were most comfortable with – for others, it was their expectation that the women “put out.” Sometimes, we pay for at least the parking or the tip – whatever – to make certain that we get to make some financial contribution. I guess for guys in large cities, “event”-type dates are the norm and that can get pretty pricey very quickly. I feel sorry for you guys who have to put up with that crap. Too bad that we can’t just be a little more honest about these things without offending each other so easily.
Men still pay for dinner, even, if the woman earns more than the man,, men still pay, When I pay, it raises my body temp.
Oftentimes its not about being blown out – people are sometimes just not in the mood to talk or are startled and don’t know what to say. Not taking things personally can actually save your day – namely if you walk up to that person a second time in a different occasion. If you put up your best smile and just walk up to the person with the goal in mind to make that person laugh and feel good, you can’t fail.
TIME BETWEEN PHONE CALLS/TEXTS
How much time should elapse between an UNANSWERED text or message?
MY SITUATION
I met this girl through a friend.
She’s 10 years younger (still in college).
It took me two e-mails before she answered.
The friend who introduced us told me she is always busy (two jobs and college).
We went out last week.
Wonderful dinner in NYC. Good time. She would’ve hung out longer; I put her in a cab. And she said she would see me soon. She texted me when she got home to thank me again and to say she had a great time.
I then texted her a day later asking for her schedule for the weekend.
She was all booked with work and bday party.
I responded that I had a good restaurant and movie picked out (movies and restaurants were part of our conversation at dinner).
She did not respond to that.
Then a day later I texted again commenting on a crazy story I read about her college. I injected some humor, and mentioned what I was doing for the day.
Still no response.
Would I hurt my chances by contacting her again before hearing from her?
My take on her personality:
She’s very pretty, but described herself as a nerd in hs.
Seems very mature and responsible.
Doesn’t appear to be very broken emotionally.
Seems independent; not needy.
Obviously busy schedule.
She seems to like nice weather – the outdoors; restaurants; movies; reading; art.
What are your suggestions?
Hey Facundo,
I had as many of us probably have the same problem of unreturned texts like you did. Firstly, one can get pretty attached to the outcome with just one girl as I’m currently am and with guys especially, we want something clear-cut. I’d suggest getting more numbers and dating more girls simultaneously, that would take away the sting from any one girl. More concretely, there are girls who are really busy and that’s a fact. There was one girl where it took me 2 months before I finally met her in person with long-delayed texts in between… when I finally saw her I literally didn’t recognize her anymore, thought it was an entirely different person.
Secondly, giving her a call may be best in this situation after all these texts. There was one girl where I texted her and she took days to answer each one with the last one unanswered for over a week, but when I called she answered right away saying she was gonna text me, we went out after that. What I’m saying is that each person is different and there’s no use second guessing these situations, just go in, be decisive, and keep playing!
I guess I’m also asking for boundaries in terms of persistence.
Thanks for the response.
Markus, I agree with you, busty, long neck females, because they are constantly being approached,,, get into moods, that cause them to push people away.
Facundo, if she is good looking, you may have to stand in line, pal. Pretty women are busy, most of the time. Same as good looking men, women keep them busy!….
Facundo,
Hold off on texting. There was this one chick who works at the gym that i met and we’d talk and I never really asked for her number, but when I did she said, Finally, i was waiting for you to ask. So I texted her and she texted back and then i texted again and that was it. No response. I guess some girls don’t like to text a lot. So I called and she never answered. So I’m wondering what her deal is and leave a message saying I just called to say hi. I asked her once, Why is it that you never text me? And she was like, i don’t know. After that I don’t text her. Whatever, she’s not into me that way. A chick will text a dude if she likes him. So if she’s not responding, just let her be and in time if she is interested in spending more time she will call or text you. Don’t text her everyday. Wait a few days and see what happens. In the meantime, occupy yourself in meeting more girls and take them on recession dates: for coffee! Get more numbers and then you’ll be texting like crazy.
MAC,
I hear you.
Yea, I have three other girls at the moment.
She just seemed to have a great time, and then showed signs of interest by texting me after dinner and by saying she would see me soon while in the cab home.
And then little response via text or email despite my not committing any “attraction” mistakes in my opinion.
Always enjoy learning more.
Was interested in feedback from the forum.
Thanks