Do Disturb!
October 11, 2009 
13 Comments
Do you know what I love? I LOVE staying in hotel rooms. It’s always so much fun going to a hotel.
What I love most about staying in a hotel, though, is getting to spend a lot of money to go sleep in a bed that 10,000 other people have slept in before you. In fact, when I first get to a hotel I like to look around at all the people with whom I would never want to share a bed but who probably slept the night before in the bed I’m about to be given.
Then when you finally do get up to this “sanitized” room, you get to drink out of a glass that’s been sitting upside down on the bathroom countertop. Oh yes, I know exactly what the maids do with that rag. It goes straight from the toilet to the countertop. That’s just wonderful.
Then when I finally roll into my bed that 10,000 other people have slept in (and had sex in), I get to turn out the lights and listen to my neighbors coughing all night long. When hotel designers get together, for some reason they always decide to use the thinnest Sheetrock they can find for the walls. I think Kleenex must make the Sheetrock for hotel walls.
There is nothing worse than laying in a hotel bed (that 10,000 other people have slept in) and listening to the person in the next room cough all night . . . except maybe hearing the people in the next room having sex. I think there is nothing grosser than hearing someone grunt and groan, especially the nasty people you see in the lobby.
Call me a snob if you want, but I feel that paying a couple hundred dollars for a room entitles you to peace, quiet . . . and a comforter that doesn’t have other people’s cum all over it! I don’t get it. How hard is it to wash the comforter or bedspread?
I have a rule when I go to a hotel. If the hotel bed has a bedspread, it comes immediately off of the bed. I don’t want to touch someone else’s cum-stained bedspread, though, so I always take one of the washcloths and use that to grab the bedspread and throw it on the ground. Unfortunately, since the maid always does her job, that bedspread always ends up right back on the bed the next night.
So as I sit here tonight preparing to get on a plane and stay in some hotel rooms over the next few days (as in a few of those 10,000 use beds), I wonder why I always suffer with insomnia when I stay in a hotel. I’ve finally figured it out: I can’t get all of these disgusting images out of my mind!
Oh my God, David, this is SO funny! I thought I was the only person who feels like they need a haz-mat suit when they’re in a hotel room.
What I don’t get about the cum-stained comforters is….It’s not so much that they NEVER get laundered (which is just gross to begin with), but if you’re going to have sex in a hotel room, why not at least put your bare asses on the “clean” sheets?!
Ewwwwww…….
I will admit that I may have been that person you have heard next door having some hot and wild sex … but I draw the line at having that sex on those nasty comforters.
And you forgot something when you mentioned the glasses on the bathroom counter — the nasty icebucket! I’ll pass on that too…
you are awesome dude! i am still laughing my ass off as im writing this! thanks man for a good laugh
Well it never occurred to me where that maid’s rag had been before the bathroom counter — so thanks for making me aware of why I will NEVER — EVER, EVER — drink from one of those glasses again!
I’d like to see this blog post paired up with another one where you recount all the awesome sex you’ve had in hotels.
WARNING – my brief soapbox ahead.
In your recent posts I sense some angry energy lately, David. Everything okay?
Feel free to use this or not, but perhaps we could each do a daily gratitude exercise where we’re thankful we live in the 1st world where we even get to travel and stay in relatively clean hotels and where we don’t catch disease b/c of lack of sanitized water.
To paraphrase Tony Robbins, whatever you focus on expands – you notice it and you make real.
And there are MILLIONS of absolutely amazing things in your life RIGHT NOW that you’re forgetting about & neglecting to notice because you’re focused on cum-stained sheets.
My guess is, that focusing on cum-stained bedspreads is not serving you to the fullest.
It’s just increasing your already existing discomfort and cum-germophobia.
Re-watch, re-listen, and re-read to some of your most transformational testimonials.
Remember all of the people you have helped & continue to help (me included).
And for God’s sake, the frickin’ sheets?!?
Well, they ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.
Eddie
No offense taken.
But if you knew me personally and not through my blog you would totally be laughing at this post.
Its my sense of humor and I was having fun.
Cmon now you really think i need to embrace all the amazing things in my life and be totally apreciative of all the things in my life. I do that naturally and could not be happier.
If you knew me you would laugh and enjoy and not try to interpret things.
I live a carefree life with zero stress and roll with everything.
You need to get my humor:)
As for helping all of you…..That is something I enjoy doing everyday and I am really glad that I have had an impact in your life!!
But if we hung out you would get a mix of inspiration and comedy:)
Eddie
One last thing….
I do not kiss and tell:)
So you will never know what happened in my hotel room except my fear and terror of having the comforter touch me:)
Eddie, you’re killing me! I could not stop laughing at this post…I personally can’t get enough of David’s observations on life that he delivers in only the way he can.
David, I hope you know most of us were laughing our ass off at this, and I hope you won’t stop posting these hillarious kind of blogs.
This is a classic and you rock!
John
I never stop doing anything that I Love including the tongue in cheek blogs.
Talking about where a tongue can go……never in the crack of the cheek:)
LOL funny post. So true!!
We spend a lot of money for USED items in hotels AND restaurants!!!
What have we been conned into?
I’m thinking about bringing an extra suitcase with a pillow, sheets, and mattress pad. I already bring ear plugs, and buy my own bottled water!!
Love the tone of the post!!
LMAO! As far as those bathroom glasses go, if it’s not a plastic cup inside a nicely sealed bag, I’m not using it!
Yes, the thought of the beds is always something that makes me shudder. That comforter comes right off, and I usually bring my own pillow, just in case
Thank you, I so needed that.
I brought my German wire haired pointer, Coco, with me on a trip to Northern CA and stayed in a motel that allowed dogs. I was laying on the bed–ack! on the comforter!–to rest for a while when I heard my dog chewing something under the bed. It sounded like she was chewing rubber bands, and she was REALLY into it! I pulled her out from under the bed with great effort and discovered she was trying to eat a USED condom. I took it out of her mouth and went to throw it away in the bathroom. When I went into the bathroom, I saw another condom in the toilet (“sanitized” for my protection), and 2 more in the trash can.
Needless to say, I wanted to checked out of that motel immediately. But since it was the only one in the area that allowed dogs, I just moved to another room. AFTER checking under the bed, in the toilet and in the trash can.
Hey David,
Haha, thanks for responding, brother.
I only now realize that I sounded WAAYYY too serious in MY response, which was itself intended to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, over-the-top Tony Robbins coaching session over the cum-sheets.
For the over-seriousness, I apologize and will pre-screen my humorous attempts in front of actual human beings before publishing comments to David Wygant’s whole wide world.
But yes, I did re-read the post after taking off the “serious glasses” and dislodging the rod from my ass, and I found it even funnier this time around.
So thanks again for the response, and thanks for consistently using the most honest voice in a blog I’ve ever read.
Cheers!
Eddie from NYC