Deconstructing The Fight

Last night in New York City, I had the chance to catch up at dinner with an old friend. It is a friend I had not seen in almost twenty years, and I have the power of Facebook to thank for making this happen.

Anyway, there is nothing better than to see how life has changed, and to really reconnect with old friends. What is really amazing is being able to see how this friend has progressed through life, and how he has grown since the crazy wild days of my 20s in New York City.

Something that I realized is that it is never too late to search out an old friend, because the bridge to your pasts can really help you understand who you are today. So today, think about making a list of some people with whom you would really like to reconnect. Then get on Facebook and search them out.

Good friends from your past are probably also wondering about you. It’s never too late to pick up where you left off with someone.

No on to today’s blog where I tell you how to take a look at how you are interracting with the person you see all the time…

So you’ve started this great relationship and everything is going really well. You’re having so much fun. She’s the one for you, and you are the one for her.

Then you get in your first fight. You start brawling.  You start screaming and yelling.  

All of a sudden, you get into a pattern wherein you start arguing with this person on a regular basis. You think to yourself, “God, we got along so well the first three months. What happened?!”

You need to think about your arguments. Are you arguing just for the sake of arguing? Are you just trying to get your point across when you argue? Is your ego not allowing you to hear another viewpoint? Do you just argue because you are a lawyer deep down and you want to win every single argument?

You have to look at these things.  A lot of arguments with your partner are just an absolute waste of time, they really are.  They’re ridiculous.  They mean absolutely nothing, and are often times just silly.  

One thing that I’ve learned in life, and it’s something that’s really important, is when you’re arguing with your partner you need to walk away once it starts. The argument could be about something really stupid (which many arguments are), like about you forgetting to walk the dog when it was your turn to do it.

Instead of saying “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry I didn’t walk the dog,” you say something like “Oh, I got busy.” You defend yourself, and that escalates into a bigger argument.

The problem with arguments is that they can get pretty ugly when you get into them. When they get ugly, you may start to hit below the belt. A lot of us are below the belt fighters. I learned from my mom how to hit below the belt in an argument.

A lot of people have the mindset that if you’re going to argue with someone, you might as well get ugly and let everything in your head out. The problem is that the things that come out of your mouth at that point tend to be both stupid and below the belt comments. Those below the belt things can get pretty nasty.

It’s funny. If you look at every single argument you have, they all start with same basic little things.

So my advice to you is that the second you get into an argument with somebody or feel frustrated, walk away.  Catch your breath, and apologize immediately if you were at fault. A simple apology based on a simple misconceived moment can actually go a long way to saving you from those horrible argument moments.