Deconstructing A Communication Breakdown
March 9, 2010 
16 Comments
I know I live in southern California, but Sonja hates feeling chilly so we have radiant heat going in the house. The problem with the radiant heat in our place is that it cranks up really high and starts cooking us like we’re living in a sauna.
So the guy who fixes the heat came by the other day and finally looked at the thermostat. He said that the problem is that the thermostat is not communicating with the heat, i.e., that there is a communication breakdown between the two.
It’s interesting. If you really look at the way life is, it is a series of communication breakdowns.
Here you are just standing there wanting to approach a woman. Even though you do everything right — you observe, and you walk over and say something great — she may not respond to you the way that you imagine.
She doesn’t respond the way you want her to respond, so there then is a communication breakdown and you don’t know what to do next. Your brain is like a computer, and it starts firing off all sorts of things, but really it’s just a communication breakdown.
Communication breakdowns happen between people and things every single day. It could happen during the first approach, it could happen between two people in a relationship, and it could even happen with the water heater not communicating with the thermostat.
When it comes to communicating with people, though, you need to listen in order to avoid communication breakdowns. You need to listen to everything going on around you.
If it’s your first approach, you need to listen to every verbal clue that’s around you. You need to be observant, open, and talk to her based on something that’s going on around you. Then you need to listen very carefully to what she says so that you can react.
If you are not truly listening, there will be a communication breakdown and you won’t know what to say. It also means that you are approaching that woman just hoping that some words will come out of your mouth to say to her.
When you do this, you are no different than the thermostat that is not communicating with the radiant heat. You’re no different than when you’re on a Mac and that wheel of death spins because the Mac is not communicating with whatever program it’s trying to open.
The key to avoiding communication breakdowns in life is to listen — every time you talk to someone. I don’t care if it’s on your first approach or if you’re in a relationship.
Here’s a great exercise for all you to do. Take a look at somebody with whom you are in conflict. It can be anyone from a relationship partner to a co-worker to a family member.
The next time you speak with that person on the phone, record the conversation and listen to it after the call is finished. Then you need to learn what your part is in the communication breakdown that is taking place between you.
You can also do this with emails between you. Read an email exchange in which there is conflict between you and someone else and find where the communication breakdown occurred.
Who is to blame? It’s always right back at you. 
This is going to really help you communicate better all the way from the first approach to long-term relationships. Life is just a series of communications, and without listening you are going to have a constant series of communication breakdowns.
I go through in depth how to have better communication with your partner in my Dating Principles For Great Relationships product. CLICK HERE to find more about it.
I love this post David.
I want to add that a lot of people have communication breakdowns because they focus too much on the words the other person used.
We all understand and interpret words differently… so instead of just focusing on the words that someone uses to communicate to us… let try to understand the underlying message, the emotions and feelings they are trying to express to us.
When I do that, I’ve noticed I tend to experience a lot less communication breakdowns.
what would you guys do if ud been chatting 2 a 10 out a 10 model online for 2 months and jst got her number, we have arranged 2 meet sunday, iv never met this girl, but she came in2 the resturant wer i work at golf club other day, she told me she thought the waiter was cute, again i didnt see her that day either……. and he likes her…….(obviously) every man would search her rosie atkinson on facebook amazing!!!nyway wer does that leave me, hes asking me for her number and facebook, am i rite holding this information back here…. i told her id find out who was working that night and let her knw, with no intention of….cos i really have never seen a more perfect lukin women, other then mayb cheryl cole, let me knw if any1 has thoughts on this, i think a high status male , wud give them each others information knowing tht head still get the women, bt i guess i dnt feel high status enough about myself yet 2 do that lol!
Why is he asking YOU for her number? How does he know that you know her?
If he was manly enough, he’d ask her himself.
You can probably give him her Facebook if you want to be nice. Even through Facebook, most guys don’t know how to chat with a girl well enough to intrigue her and make her want to come out.
On the other hand, what are you waiting for with her? I’m glad you are finally seeing her on Sunday. Just focus on having fun and giving her a good time and getting to know her.
If you connect well with her and you both have fun, she’s more likely to think of you and want to see you again.
I try my hardest listening to everything a woman says but sometimes if find it hard to challenge her or look for “keys words” to continue the conversation
if im talking to a woman for a long time,i tend to get nervouse trying to remember everything she says and react to each thing she says…this is a difficult
That was very powerful!
You don’t have to remember everything she says…. I mean… it’d be good if you do.. but how about you remember the important things that she says… that you relate to?
Anthony—Khiem is right. You don’t have to remember everything a woman is saying necessarily in detail, just pay attention to the idea of what she is saying and her emotions. When you get stuck and are at a loss of what to say, share something about yourself or tell a story. Often guys get stuck on the million questions (as a way to show they are interested and paying attention) and they forget to share about themselves. There is more give and take this way and less of an “interrogating” effect. Conversations should flow back and forth!
If we truly put in the effort to listen we do so much better. I think its a lesson in progress.
In the end it always come back to us, and the realizations are freaky sometimes.
Very helpful David. I gotta work on that more often, sometimes its very hard, i get lost with all the monkey chatter in my head.
cheers for advice, 2 b honest kim i think im prob in friend zone hense waiting for so long….il sort it out dnt u worry!not got time 2 speak now, but thanks again andrew
“You don’t have to remember everything she says…. I mean… it’d be good if you do.. but how about you remember the important things that she says… that you relate to”
very true i feel,
a stratergy im leaning day by day is that whilst it might be usefull to remember the totality of what someone says, its not totally necessary to keep the conversation and connection flowing. sometimes you just focus on the last thing they say and take that in a direction to your choosing, whilst still trying to hang on to the important details
i find this a usefull way of creating repore with anyone , not just women.
its hard to put into practice, because our ego’s get in the way and we all like show others how much we know and how much we care, when i feel its just best to shut the f up sometimes and just listen and ask interesting questions.
easier said than done,
Andrew,
Just because you’ve been talking for 2 months doesn’t necessarily mean you are in the friend’s zone. You JUST got her phone number recently. Just treat her like she’s already your g/f and see how it goes.
If you haven’t yet, get a copy of David’s Men’s Mastery Series. It teaches you all the right behaviors and mindsets for you to become THAT attractive guy.
if u luked like guy in picture things would b easyer tho!:-)
Khiem
When you stay present when talking to a girl, you focuse on what she has to say, you listen and you watch her body language too? Maybe it’s not that hard but to me that’s work when really you should just relax… When I talk to a girl I’m so focused on her that someone can yell at me I don’t hear them I focuse my atention just on her. Is this good or bad?
Mike-Ro
Staying present when talking to a girl just means I’m giving her my undivided attention. I’m not watching and listening so intensely that I don’t notice anything else around me. I’m relaxed and just giving her my attention.
When you talk to her, don’t be so tense. I don’t know if you listening to her so intensely can be seen as relaxing.
Talking to a woman from a state of being relaxed is important… b/c she feels that energy and gets relaxed talking to you as well.