There you are. You are walking down the aisle.
You can not believe that you have made it this far.
The date that you have planned for tonight? Well, it’s worked out. Oh yes, you know everything about it! It doesn’t matter that it’s presently 2011–it doesn’t matter at all. You can see the future. Years down the road, you’re able to look into the future and know exactly how that date’s going to go tonight.
Aren’t you relaxed now? Isn’t it amazing knowing that THIS is the person you’re going to marry in a couple of years? Can’t you now just relax on this date and not obsess so much about it? The date you’re on is in 2011. But in your head, it’s 2017. 2011 has merely called back to you six years later to tell you how well the date you’re going to have tonight worked out.
What am I talking about here? Future people! Future men and future women, that’s what I’m talking about it. You’re the person who’s such a nervous wreck about a future date that you spend your entire time leading up to that date obsessing about what to do! You even talk to friends: “What should I talk about? What do you think I should tell my date about me, hm? What do you think I should talk about on this date?” Once you’ve set the date, you think about how many times you need to text him or her until the first date to keep their interest level up. You strategize about the date ahead of time. You wonder when to kiss ahead of time. You think about the right moment to hold her hand ahead of time.
You think about when to flip your hair to show him you’re interested. You think about interesting topics to talk about ahead of time.
That’s not a date, that’s just worrying! You’re making it so hard on yourself. Here’s the deal: you set the date, you confirm the date the day before, and then you meet them at the place you confirmed. You don’t think about what signs to look for or what to say. You don’t plot out a whole conversation. You don’t think about when the perfect time to kiss is. You stay present in the moment. That’s what you do. You have a conversation as you would any conversation with any other person that you’ve met.
You need to stop worrying about what this person is going to be in the future, because when you worry about the future, there is not going to be any future. There will be no future at all. So many people, all the time, worry so much about what to say on a date. When you go out with your friends, do you plot out an entire outline of things to talk about, or do you just stay present and have a good time? The most powerful thing about a date is that the person you’re with can really get to know who you are. They can get to know your interests, what you’re about, have a conversation, see if you two really connect.
The absolute worst thing you can do on a date is water yourself down. Just be yourself, talk, and listen. And of course, on a date don’t talk about how wounded you have been from past relationships. Keep it positive, talk about the good times. Stop obsessing about whether or not she thinks (or he thinks) it’s a date or if you’re going out as friends.
It’s a date if you set it up that way. If your intentions are clear, if you’re not hiding a secret agenda, it’s a date whether you’re taking them out for dinner, for coffee, for a drink, for a walk in the park—as long as you set it up as a date. Stop obsessing about what to do.
Don’t try to get to know the “future him” or the “future her” or “future both-of-us-together”. Play it cool and really just get to know her. And to the women right now reading this, get to know him.