I just got off the phone with a client and I wanted to share the conversation we had with all of you.
David: So what you’re worried about is not the opener, right? You’ve opened a woman up, but you’re worried about creating that attraction throughout the conversation, right?
Client: Yeah, that, and having something to say immediately after opening her, especially if she’s not giving me a lot to go off of.
David: Okay. So she’s not giving you a lot to go off of. A lot of women do this. But if you’ve opened her in the right way – based on an observation, based on what she was already thinking – you’re getting some type of answer back from her.
So let’s say you walk over to a group of women sitting there at a table. You say, “Hey, that food looks really good! What is that exactly?” One of them might respond, “It’s the special.” You say, “What is the special?” Then she tells you about it.
You can go back to her table 20 minutes later and say, “Oh man, I ordered that special, and it’s just not as good as you said it was!” You can return and follow the conversation. You don’t have to worry about coming up with something new every time.
You can give her 15 to 30 good seconds to think about it, and then remember what she said and come back to her about it. Come back at her with the things that you talked about with her previously.
Carry the conversation. Pay attention to what is going on. That is really the only way to do that. Otherwise, you don’t keep the conversation flowing or moving.
So really gather that information. Pretend that you’re an investigator. You’re like a CSI – it’s a crime scene. You’re this great investigator, and you’re trying to figure out exactly what this person is all about.
What are you learning about this person from the very first time? What did you learn?
And then when you go back to talk to them again, start the conversation based on what you’ve already learned. You’re just uncovering a mystery – she’s a mystery.
If you pay attention to what she is saying the first time you talk to her, then you will have plenty of things to talk about the next time you approach her.
Let’s say you’re talking to a girl in a coffee shop and she says, “You know, I love Italian coffee. It’s my favorite thing ever!” So then five minutes later you can talk to her again while she’s sipping her coffee and ask her, “So how did you end up falling in love with Italian coffee? Have you been to Italy?”
She might respond, “Oh my god, I went to Italy, it’s my favorite!” You ask, “what’s so great about Italy?” and then she’ll tell you. She’ll tell you how much she loves Rome – the history, the culture, blah blah blah… so the next time you talk to her you can say, “Man, you have to tell me more about Rome. I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard that the Coliseum is phenomenal. What was your favorite thing?”
So do you see how that happens? You’re moving that conversation forward. You’re remembering things that she talked about previously and then moving the conversation forward. You’re taking that conversation somewhere and turning it into something instead of this blasé chat that you have to start fresh every time.
It’s about paying attention to the details and being a really good investigator. The more you investigate, the easier it will be.
Client: And how do you avoid being one of those fucking guys who are hammering a girl with endless questions?
David: The most important difference is that you’re actually listening to her answers and sharing yourself with her at the same time.
When she tells you how much she loves Italy, you’re saying, “Oh my god, I love Italy too! I went to Italy one summer a few years ago and the food was amazing! What was your favorite thing that you ate there?” She answers, “Oh, I had the best pizza at this restaurant in Positano.”
You respond, “Oh my god, I was never in Positano, but I had this great pizza in….” and you share a story with her. You go into storytelling mode and share with her your experience there. This is how you avoid being Larry King and peppering her with questions.
You’re becoming an investigator, but you’re also sharing your own stories and bonding with her through it.
So that is how you do it. It’s a conversation. Think about having a conversation with your friends. If you speak to women as you speak to your friends, you’ll be fine.
All we’re really doing is trying to escalate attraction with everyone we connect with. The real reason we befriend somebody is because we connect with them and we show interest in each other’s lives.
So you’re really letting your true personality come out in this way.
As usual, David hit it right on the button. It totally works. I was at this small Mexican taco restaurant and I’m sitting there when this cute girl walks in wearing a UCLA jogging suit and stands at the counter waiting for the order she phoned in. I got up to get some salsa and on my way back to my seat, I ask her if she’s a student or just a fan of UCLA. She tells me she’s a student and I smile and say, “Nice” and sit down. She finally gets her order and goes to the salsa bar and I’m done eating so I go throw my trash away (which is next to the salsa bar) and I ask her more questions about UCLA and she happily shares more info. She’s on the rowing team and so I asked questions about that and how she ever got into it. She began telling me she used to be in water polo at the nearby high school, and that’s when I interrupted and said, oh, that’s where I teach. She was like, you teach there? I said, yes. You mean you’re the coach? No, I teach Math. Oh and she smiled. We talked about the school and what not. She was nearly done getting salsa and so I finally asked her if she came to this restaurant often and she said, sort of-kind of-not really. And I told her my name and she told me hers and that was it. I walked away and didn’t even have the urgency of getting her number. It was a friendly encounter and that was it.
I did, however, look her up online and found her and sent her a message and got one back! What do you think about that?
MAC;
Got a question about 1 of your ?s to her. I need your feedback & David’s. Or Kim’s or Kheims.
When you meet a girl and strike up a chat at any restaurant or bar(I’m not into bars either David) is that question “Do you come here often?” such a pickup cliche now that most women will walk away the moment you say it? Sometimes when I’ve run out of things to say(usually in about 10 seconds)I struggle to say something else and try to avoid using that ? as a conversational crutch. It’s as cliche’d and infamous as “What’s your sign?” So is “Do you come here often?” still acceptable as long as you don’t use it as the first thing out of your mouth?
I have a follow up question to that but would like an answer to that one first.
Hi David,
In you youtube video I heard that you are going to stop with your boothcamps, but are you also going to stop blogging and making videos?
Tony888,
Funny you mention it being a pickup cliche because I never thought of it that way. I used it towards the end of our chat so it wasn’t really a line, rather a genuine question. I don’t go to bars either, btw. I agree with David in meeting girls at locations you frequent or even places you will only be at once. In your case, I’d say try to talk with as many people as possible on a given day. Just observe as David instructs and make a friendly comment. I get all my tips from David. Seriously. What I do, whether at the gym or in line at the store or at a coffee shop or at a restaurant I try to observe to see what I can say.
This may help you: Had the girl, I saw at the taco place, weren’t wearing a UCLA outfit I wouldn’t have had a clue as to what to say. My encounter would never have happened because I don’t think i could have said anything without seeming like I was “picking up”, something I DO NOT DO. And I would have been fine with that. The door wasn’t there for me and I would have eaten my food and gone on with my life with no regrets.
Does that make sense?
Johnny
I will stop teaching bootcamps next year.
This is my final year of doing them so i f you want to work with me this is the last year.
Blog products will go on forever and ever!!!
Mac
you are doing great, the most amazing thing, is once you start you can’t believe how easy it is.
They really should teach this in school or a great summer camp for teens Yakub….I might know how to do it but I am not the greatest teacher. I guess kids don’t always want to learn everything from their parents.
Swear coaches that I would really consider to send my son to and I know you guys would be amazing at it.
Marina- totally agree about kids should learn this in some form of summer camp for teens. And i feel like kids need a role model they can relate to and share about their challenges.
how old is your son?
I love your openers David! So simple and situationally relevant.
Hey guys,
I’m new to this site. Just checking it out and reading some of the blog posts and need some advice.
There’s this cute intern at an eye clinic near my place. I went in a couple of weeks ago to get lenses and saw her. After I talked to my doctor for a bit, he then asked me to have a seat outside and the intern is going to have a look at the lenses with me. She called me in to another office and was just talking about basic eye care things. We didn’t really flirt, it was a quick session. It was a little intimate though because she was leaning in close to look at my eyes and I was looking into hers. She also was looking for eye drops and her back was towards me for a good minute or so. I think she was trying to show her ass off to me. And at the end of the session, she did say hopefully she’ll see me soon. Does that mean she’s interested? How do you guys think I should approach a girl in this environment? I am going back to see my doctor next week.
I appreciate your help.
Manny,
That’s cool that she was trying to show her ass off to you. ha ha. Next time you see her, you should definitely ask her about her internship and ask her what made her decide to get into this field. Make stuff up. Ask if she gets paid for this gig. Ask if she’s liking it so far. Is she interested? She could be, but take that with a grain of salt. You’ll know better next time you encounter her. Ask her questions about herself. Women love talking about themselves, but throw in a couple of facts about you as well. If the conversation seems to be going in your direction, I say you tell her, “You know what? You seem like an interesting girl. Why don’t we get together over some coffee or tea so that we can get to know eachother better.” It may be too soon for that, but chances are you’ll make an excuse to go see her again at the office and then things will be easier. Then again, read David’s other blogs. You’ll find a vast amount of info. You’re new here, so you’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
Manny
Wish you luck man! If a woman is interested in a guy she will give him some sort of clue. When she was showing her ass to you did she give you a come on baby sign? Some women in this case are shy and waiting for the guy to make a move. But one thing Manny make sure she is not attached you know married.
Mac
I read your blog about do you come here often? When I met the guy the first time I may reply sometimes. But all guys are curious though about the woman they want to get to know. Look for signs she will let you know if she is interested. But if she isn’t then you better look for someone else because she will let you know.
I know these things for I am a woman myself.
Marina
So you are the one with a teen age boy. I raised girls. No one can tell you; you don’t know guys just look at them and say yes I do I raised one from infancy to adulthood.
mac, do you have an aim sn?
David ,thanks for your blogs, if you only knew how much they have helped me get some. With the combination of Hypnotica’s CD’S and your advice my confidence and conversational skill are sky high. JT
Tony,
There is nothing wrong with the question “Do you come here often?”. It’s all based on how you say it… or the timing and context you give it. If you use it just as a line to keep the conversation going longer than it should, women feel that and think you are trying to get something out of them… which may creep them out.
However, if you use it because you are genuinely curious about her… because you are interested in her… and she feels that you are being honest, then you can ask that line without fear. Do you ask it with authority?
Manny,
The intern at your doctor’s office may be interested but from what you shared on the blog, I don’t feel that it’s for sure.
Are you sure she was showing her ass off to you? Maybe you were THINKING she was because you kept on looking at it. If you didn’t talk and connect with her on any level, if you didn’t flirt with her and she reciprocated, then as of now, I’d say she was just friendly.
You really have to get personal in conversation to see if a person likes you. If you keep the conversation strictly work-related, then it’s very very very difficult to tell.
Go back and when you see her, flirt with her, connect with her. THEN you will know for sure.
Kheim,
I’ve never actually used that line out of fear whoever the girl was at any given time would roll her eyes and walk away. Or run away. I’d rather think up an excuse to walk away myself and always have before reverting to that “Do you come here often?” out of desperation. I’m not dissing anyone who says it when they ask it sincerely as you say, nor anyone who ran out of things to say and asked that out of desperation as conversational filler. But because it’s well known as one of those lounge lizard kind of lines, I’d rather just hit the eject button.
“Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink? Do you come here often? I’m a Leo, what are you? A Capricorn huh. That makes us compatible. Wanna party, cause I’m a wild and crazy guy!!”
“No, wait! Don’t leave! I haven’t shown you my mood ring yet! Damn! She didn’t even look at me, after all the money I spent on this white polyester leisure suit and mood ring.”
That’s how old, “Do you come here often?” is.
“Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. Get down tonight.”
Tony
If you say it right there is no girl that would feel funny about this one as Khiem said. It’s all in the attitude, not as much what you say from a girls point of view. Even the dumbest lines can come across ok as long as you appear sincere and with a sense of humor.
“There is nothing wrong with the question “Do you come here often?”. It’s all based on how you say it…”
It’s just a casual small talk kind of thing. If you ask me it’s as “trivial” as a hello not a big deal.
I’m pretty sure it’s even much older than that. I’d rather say something different from what every other guy has said to her. In a good way.
Speaking of interns at doctor’s offices, there’s a receptionist at a local clinic who is gorgeous! I wish I knew some good openers that wouldn’t sound so tired & cliche’d and would make me stand out from all the other guys who try to hit on her at work. There’s nothing really distinctive about her clothes since it’s just a medical uniform and nothing in the way of jewelry that is really worth starting a conversation over. I’ve never seen any coffee or sandwiches on her desk to ask her about. So I can’t say “How’s the coffee here,” or “Is that sandwich good?” Or, “Double Espresso at this time of day? Are you dragging your ass?” She’s not giving me any material to use.
There are a lot of attractive women I’d like to know how to open a conversation with, but they’re often not wearing anything or saying anything really cool or have any props nearby I can think of to use as an opener. But I’m just slow I guess. “Special” maybe. Whereas most other people can start a convo & keep it going for 12 hours straight at parties & such, I’m doing good to go past 2 minutes!
Tony
How about asking her how was her day? Still trying to think? Were they busy? Then watch her and see if she is interested. She will give u a clue or something or get the 100% grade a man repellent out and say good bye. Or throw you a kiss who knows this is all that I can come up with.
Or she might say, “Security?!?!”
And the security guards will say, “Not another one! This is the 97th guy this week!” lol
Tony,
I know what you mean, bro. Sometimes you won’t be able to open up a woman and keep the conversation going for more than 10 seconds. So what? Just smile and say hello and if that’s as far as it goes then so be it. At least you had courage to say something that didn’t seem like you were desperately trying to get her number. Don’t sweat it. I was at Costco checking out and behind me this attractive MILF with her 9 yr old kid were behind me with an iPod voucher. I let her go ahead of me for the purpose of getting to talk to her. She accepted and I asked, Are you his mom? SHe said, yes. I said, WOw, you’re a young mom (as her little kid glared at me) haha. I asked her age, she said 29, I told her my age, 31. She said I looked young too. So then I asked how many gigs the iPod was and she told me and then I told her I had bought one with less gigs for the same price and she said that yeah, the classics have gone down in price because the iTouch’s are in and what not. She continued and said how she had a classic and it broke and she was sad because she was a big U2 fan and it was filled with their music. So I asked, Oh U2? Do they have any albums coming out? She told me yes and I told her, I’m more of a Morrissey fan and she told me how much she loved Moz and what not. So all this is taking place as the line is moving until she finishes paying and then she says goodbye and that was it.
I didn’t wanna close the deal and get her number because I didn’t know if she was married or not, even more so because of her kid. I don’t date chicks with kids. That’s just me. But the point is I opened her up as soon as I found out something she was interested in.
A light bulb just came on. Tony, ask her about the music she listens to. Ask her if the music playing at the office is something she selected. Ask her what her favorite station is. Ask her if she listens to music while she gets ready in the morning. Ask her about music. Everybody in the world is driven someway by the music they listen to.
Random: I only date Latinas too. I’m mexican-american, btw.
Hey Mac, could you help me over AIM?
john, give me your aim.
But thanks for those ideas Sandra. Not sure when i’ll be down there the next time, maybe in the fall, but I’ll try & remember that. IF she’s still there.
I remember going to the electrical company office a couple years ago and there was this one girl there, maybe 20-22 years old and a real knockout. I tried talking to her a little and she said she had been working there only about a week. While I was filling out some forms, this guy came over wearing a company uniform, kinda redneck looking and began hitting on her and she didn’t seem to enjoy his attention and I got the impression he had been doing that throughout the week. He walked up to her and said “Hey, beautiful” and started chatting, but I could tell she was a bit uneasy. I haven’t seen her there since and it’s not surprising.
CTUAgentOnDuty
actually, on second thought. why don’t you share what you need help on here, like others and I’m sure you’ll get input from others. I’m not an expert, David and his staff are.
I’ll be glad to give you input on here.
Thanks for those ideas MAC.
But what if the musc being played in the office is the standard Muzak elavator music crap? I guess I could ask how she likes listening to elevator music all day, and did once to a secretary/receptionist. She just said “Oh you just learn to tune it out after a few days” meaning that she had quit listening to it a long time ago.
I remember one day a few months ago when I was standing in line at a Wendy’s in the mall food court. I happened to get there right at the same time a yummy blonde was walking up to the line and she was wearing clothes that indicated she had just left the gym/club. She had a Blackberry with her that she was tapping on and I tried to strike up a convo. I said the first thing that I could come up with that seemed like it might be relevant.
“Is that the new Blackberry Storm? I’ve heard it’s really cool.” “No” she said, very bluntly and then plugged some earbuds into them and into her ears like she wanted to tune me out. So that was the end of that conversation.
Chicks have blown me off like that girl did to you too. So what? She was prob into her bf or thought you were trying to pick up. whatever, you win some and lose some. At least you said something. Keep trying Tony. That’s what I keep doing. Eventually, you will learn when it’s ok to say something and when it’s not. Sometimes hot girls have bitchy attitudes and they blow everyone off. Who cares?
If a conversation doesn’t go your way, then either keep trying or count your losses and move on to the next.
I’m off to the gym now to see who I can talk to.
Peace out.
well, i can’t erase my aim address
Tony,
It sounds to me you have a lot of monkey chatter. How about you stop the “what if” and just do it?
From what you write, you censor all your thoughts and actions because you are always afraid of the next step… or of the POSSIBILITY that she might not respond well to you.
I challenge you to do what you want for a week. If you want to talk to someone, talk to that person. Don’t even think about whether it’s a good line or not… or whether you’ll stand out or not.
You’ll stand out by being friendly and positive and fun.
You try to stay too much ahead in the conversation and you paralyze yourself by thinking of all these “possibilities”.
Stay in the moment… be attentive and just talk. For now, that’s all you have to do.
I like this girl but I freeze when i want to ask her for a date to a coffee shop. She’s alone but I can’t pull the trigger for some reason. I told myself “the worst thing she’ll say is no” but when I’m in that exact scenario, i don’t convince myself that. I need help por favor!
MAC,
If I counted my losses as you say, I’d be extremely depressed. I’d better not.
Kheim,
I know you’re right, at least for most anyone else with a normally functioning & capable brain. It’s just that my mind doesn’t seem to function in situations like that. It just shuts down. I get a BSOD most of the time when I want to talk to a hot woman. My mind becomes like a blank page, or that infamous blue screen. I think my brain must run on an early version of Windows. Because it just crashes every time.
Or another way of putting it is like a car’s tires stuck in mud or ice. I’m trying desperately to think of what to say after “Hello” or “Hi” but the harder I try the more my brain freezes or locks up. The more those tires spin and spin and spin, but can’t get any traction to get out of the ice. And THEN I have to walk away depressed and THAT is when the monkey chatter begins that I’ll never succeed at this and that there’s no hope for me. I’ve always envied people who can stand around or sit around or lean around and talk about nothing of any importance for countless hours at a time when i cannot get past 20 seconds. Okay, 2 minutes on a really good day.
Tony,
You are focused on the wrong things… that’s why you freeze up. Have you done the observation exercise that David suggests in his Men Mastery Series? You need to train your brain to think on the spot and think of things that actually have an answer.
WHen you think, what do I say, what do I say, what do I say? Your brain will always shut down. It’s the wrong question to ask yourself in that moment.
You should ask yourself: what do I notice? What do I want to talk about right now? What am I curious about?
These types of questions actually have answers… and once you have that in your head, you can just say it outloud.
Kheim,
I try to think on the spot all the time. But just about the only time I can actually think of something to say is 2 weeks later. And obviously, that’s 2 weeks too late. Only way too late do I realize something I should have said on that day. Whether it’s 2 days or 2 weeks. I’m rather slow-witted & dim I’m afraid. Just can’t think on my feet.
Because of working in a mall, I get to meet attractive women every day. And the best part is that it is literally my job is to talk to them, sell to them, and make sure they have a positive experience. This has taught me leaps and bounds regarding thinking on the spot with women. The best is when you get them laughing and you don’t care about the outcome of the situation, and you can just let go.
What I’ve noticed is that when you don’t care about the outcome (getting her #) it becomes so much easier to be funny, creative and stimulating in a conversation. And conversations like this is what leads to attraction, and once you see she’s interested, then you can start to think about going for the number.
This gets rid of alot of pressure because if the convo doesn’t go well, it won’t matter, because you weren’t set on getting her number anyway.
Listening is so powerful, David, I have been using that tip about observing a girl and what she’s wearing/doing in order to get inside her head and out of yours. Not only does it build rapport quickly, but it shows her that you actually care about what’s going on with her. Whether Im on a date with a girl or selling, I always listen to what they are saying, and repeat it back to show Im listening.
Btw, MAC, I like your tips on talking to the intern. It’s so true too that when a girl is not wearing something, like that UCLA outfit, its harder to think of a way to open her up. Because then you got to think about the environment your in, which isn’t as personal.
P.S.-I also notice matching a persons personality (ie up beat or calm), vocal tone and body language builds rapport with selling and dating.
Is it okay if you work at a place as a shoe salesman in a mall for instance or electronics salesman at “Buy More” to ask a girl for her #? Not on her very first visit there I would think, but what do you think David?
And then another situation that’s potentially even trickier is the office romance. Sometimes it works well and I’ve heard of people meeting their future wife there and everyone is still happy. But then at other times when an office romance turns sour, it makes for a volatile situation at work. And I’m not just talking about the boss dating ths secretary, but 2 people of equal status hook up, but then something happens and when it goes bad, it creates a very disruptive environment. This may sound Off Topic, and it is, but it would make for a good next blog topic. If this has already been covered before, I apologize. I’m new & don’t have access to the forum or old blogs dating back very far.
John Ho,
I was you a while back, just scared to say anything and let me tell you, I’ve lost so many opportunities because I didn’t think they could possibly be interested in me. I’m tall, dark and handsome and I didn’t believe it. Now you may not have the look, but that certainly does not mean you can’t get a girl. I see ugly people in relationships all the time! So looks is the least of your worries.
The girl that you like at the coffee shop, don’t go in with the thought of asking her out on a date. You haven’t even talked to her. First you must get to know her and see if she’s even the kind of girl you’d wanna date. What if you say hello and then she smiles and she’s got missing teeth and a the teeth that she does have look like popcorn seeds?
So first you wanna get to know her and the way you do that is as soon as you see her you walk right up like a man and say “Hello, Ive seen you here a couple times and I thought I might as well come and say hello. I’m John.” Extend your hand and she will hopefully smile and say hello back and shake your hand and tell you her name. Then you ask her, “What are you drinking, reading, working on, etc? Based on her response, you make sure you listen to every word that comes out of that mouth and you make sure you don’t say “COOL!” because like David Wygant says, that just means you didn’t listen to a damn word she said and you’re back to square one.
If you feel like you’re running out of things to say, tell her, I’m gonna go grab something and I just wanted to come and say hello before i did. I’ll see you. OR If she seems interested say “I’m gonna go get something to drink, would you like me to get you something? C’mon, it’s on me, don’t be shy” and say it with a smile so she doesn’t think you’re a creep. and go on from there. You can think of stuff.
Tony888…since we’re on the topic of “Do you come here often?”…why not use that as your opener to the girl? Obviously you wanna say it in somewhat of a goofy , im being a dork sort of way. She’ll know you’re joking around and itll break the ice. Girls like humor. I unfortunately have the problem of being a huge sarcastic smart ass and it comes off extremely cocky and arrogant sometimes. I accused a girl at a wal mart store of stalking me after after we ran into eachother 5 different times in the span of a half hour. Luckily she had a sense of humor and got the joke. Keep in mind the Cyndi lauper song “girls just wanna have fun”..so just have fun with it. if she doesnt get the joke or gives you a sarcastic somewhat snobbish remark, no big deal..just tell her, look, i was just trying to be social and start a conversation. Im sure you’re a really nice girl deep down, and you probably get a lot of d bags hitting on you..im not one of those guys, so you dont have to act that way towards me. usually melts em like butter. Then just say, ok, lets start over…and say your opener again.
Kind of judge it on her response, if she seems busy or is having a bad day..either let it go or just say bad day huh? If she seems really busy, it might be best to let it go and try another time.
I’ve met her a couple times and I always see on her mac or her cell phone. I was thinking I could bust on her for it and make it our inside joke or something