Crazy Online Dates
January 2, 2012 
38 Comments
I am sure some of you joined an online date yesterday as part of your New Years resolution. The term buyer beware may be something that resonates with you pretty soon. Here’s why.
I remember I went on an online date a couple years ago, this woman looked so great and amazing in her picture. Her profile described her as “fit and trim.”
Then when she showed up for the date, she was walking with a limp. This fit and trim athletic woman was walking towards me with a limp. And as she got closer, her shape got bigger and bigger. And pretty soon I realized that it wasn’t a limp she had, she was walking that way because she was carrying an extra ass with her.
She sat down to the table all nervous, fingernails bitten raw. The woman I saw in the picture looked glamorous. So I asked her, “How have you been?”
She said, “Man I’ve been really brutal lately. I’ve got this thyroid condition and I’ve just been putting on a lot of weight. I’m so sorry that I look this way. I really will get back to the way that I looked in those pictures, I swear I will.”
Meanwhile I’m thinking to myself, I’ve only known this woman for 15 seconds. This is going to be one of those half an hour dates where I pretend that someone texted me from the office and I’m going to go back.
So I said, “No, don’t worry about it, we all go through rough times. She said, “Rough times, you wouldn’t believe how this year’s been with my mother.” And then she went into this whole story about how her mother told her that she was gay. And how her mother now has a lesbian lover, her father got depressed and had a nervous breakdown. And she dumps all this on me in the first three minutes of our date.
So I start thinking to myself that would it actually be pretty rude to just check out and pretend I got a text from my office right now because I am terrified to know what the other 27 minutes are going to bring. So I did something which I think all of you should do.
When you have a crazy online date–and you will have crazy online dates–give the person a little bit of your time and attention and realize they might just need somebody to talk to. They might need an ear to listen to their stuff and unload on.
I like to be as nice as I possibly can. Why? Because I truly believe in karma, and I believe that being nice and authentic and amazing to people is the only way to treat people. You’re going to get brownie points in this world for doing that.
And then at the end of the date, look at her and say, “I’m so sorry, I’ve got to get back to the office. I really enjoyed talking to you and I wish you all the best.” It’ll make her feel good. She knows you’re not going to see her again. She’s done this on every date for the last probably three, four, five months.
You want to be the one who makes her feel good. Because you might run into her again. She might have a hot friend, and you don’t want to be the ass who basically blew her off on the day that she really needed to talk to somebody more than anything.
It’s about treating people with compassion. It’s about treating people the way you’d like to be treated. I hope you never go on a date and complain about your thyroid condition, how you’ve put on weight, and how depressed you are right now. But if you get that crazy date who unloads that on you, have a little compassion and you’ll see it will take you a long way.
Roger that, Sir !
Well you only attract what you put out there David
Compassion is a noble trait and one which I admire greatly. Not least because it’s sometimes difficult to understand other people’s lives. I think karma is nonsense in the sense that the universe will somehow mystically repay us for our good deeds but as far as people remembering our good deeds and therefore more likely to be good to us is true.
Good post and something I think we all need to be reminded of now and again.
Never had a first date like the one described, but I agree very strongly that your described method is the proper way to handle it. Why? It’s what a gentleman would do.
This online dating stuff is great! I’ve been getting phone numbers left and right without asking!
I’m gonna show you all how I do it…
Either I’ll get a message from her or I’ll message her first (don’t matter)
If she responds back, we’ll email back and forth a few times and then i’ll say, I have to run, I’m going to the gym and running a few errands, I’ll talk to you later”
She’ll then email her phone number! Just like real life!
Works like a charm!
I have wanted to try online dating but I have never try it. My friends had shared their experiences with me. By listening to them, I can tell it was not good. They told me what to look for and do not get too excited. I felt like its fantasy world on the internet. Thank you David for writing this article. Good manners are always appreciate.
I will give it a try. Before I thought it would be better than blind dates.
Last year, my colleague set me up on a blind date. I was honest about my appearance. He was exactly what he describe, however he was not honest with his age. We did not go on a second date. Now I believe, honesty and being sincere are the best way.
Jennifer,
You’ll get alot of “hi how R U? kind of messages and a lot of “Your sooo hot! ones too. Women get bombarded with email, you just have to look out for the ones that strike your interest.
David was right about being swamped with email of guys who just have no clue cause he set up a fake profile and I did the same one time to see what other guys are sending to hot women. 100 emails a week with nothing but “Hi, What’s up? wanna get a drink later? or “text me XXX-XXXX” I think only 2 of them actually had something to say.
@Jennifer, I believe PlentyOfFish allows you to set a minimum message length. If you set it at 200 characters or something like that, you’ll severely cut down on the short throw away messages.
When you choose your profile picture, pick a clear picture of your face, then make sure other pictures don’t look like you’re trying to hide your body. Obviously you want to choose your most attractive pictures, but you also want to be honest about who you are and what you look like.
As far as writing a profile, avoid empty phrases. I’m sure you love to laugh, enjoy traveling, have great friends, don’t like drama, aren’t looking to be used for a one night stand, like to go out, but also like to stay in. So does everybody else. Focus on using colorful, descriptive language to describe yourself so you don’t blend in with the crowd.
Best of luck!
Aw man, I got one of these stories too! Only I didn’t stick around! Aw man I felt so bad. But damn she shouldn’t have fooled me with those pics. Oh well
Met her at her job “make up artist” got a good look…smfh…Told her i was gonna walk around the mall until she went on break. She called me. Never answered. She texted me several times. Never answered. Felt like a dick lol I should have at least talked to her a bit. But hey, Ive been rejected alot so karma has evened out.
@mark
you just explained the existence of karma in your denial of karma.
people are part of the universe just like trees and rocks are. they just happen to be “alive”. put that in your pipe and smoke it. i know i just did..
Good on you, David. I sat through one of those dates from online. My first reaction was disappointment, but then I listened.
Everyone had bad days. Everyone is out there trying to do their best. Sometimes a stranger is easier to talk to than people that are close.
Jen – I see online dating like going out to a pub. You need to wade your way through people. Just like at a bar, you may need to meet up and speak to ten people to find the one person that you want a second date with.
I look for the good. It’s always good to meet new people. Everyone out there has an interesting story to tell. In the interim, I am child free and sipping my way through a coffee or soda water for an hour feeling good because I am all dressed up.
It’s how you view it!
Leanne
@Justin, I made a distinction. Perhaps I should rephrase it for you. There is a difference between karma in the spiritual sense and Joe down the road fixing your car because you lent him some money once. Locality is everything. Hope that clears it up for you. Oh by the way, trees are alive also.
Thank you Collin for the tips.
Just curious. Im very active in my community and my church. Wondering if I should sign up on a Christian Dating site. Just a thought.
@Jennifer, I vote you spread your efforts around. Christian dating sites are going to be just as full of creepers and weirdos, but it really can’t hurt. I encourage using only completely free sites, and there will be plenty of Christians on the sites that aren’t specifically religious.
I remember hearing somewhere that everyone you meet in your life is there for a reason. If you go out on a date or meet someone, try and find out why they’re in your life at that moment.
Jennifer, if finding someone who is a Christian is very important to you then a Christian dating site is probably a good idea.
Whoops, Comment 14 is mine, I just mistyped my info.
I could write a book on my online dating experiences. Here are a few types I have learn to stay away from:
1. Women who only post face pics (they’re usually overweight and list their body type as “average”)
2. Women who list all the bands they listen to and like in their interest section. (These “groupies” are stuck in high school mentality and their conversations are usually about band vs band.)
3. Women who write more than 3 paragraphs in their profile. (You meet these in real life and they are big talkers.. Talk, talk, talk you to death.)
4. Women who post pics of their dog/cat on profile. (These women secretly dress their pets and wish they had babies at their age.)
5. Women who are separated or divorced with 2 or 3 kids and list all these “must have’s” as if their baby canals were made of gold.
6. Any woman who list height requirement or income requirements (very shallow women who think they are God’s gift to men. They usually say something like, “I don’t like being taller when I’ve got heels on)
7. Women who use the words “prince charming” or “knight in shining armor..” to describe men. (Disney really got a hold of them when they were little girls.)
8. Profiles that only talk about what football team they like and then all their pics show them in the team’s jersey. (These women just want to come over, watch games, and drink all your beer… That’s usually ALL they’re good for.)
9. All profile pics are of them in the same angle… usually means she’s hiding something or has a side you don’t want to see. These women tend to suffer from esteem issues.
10. All her pics are club/party pics. This type of girl is always bored unless she’s at a party.
okay yes i joined up with a online dating site…now u guys talk about us women being needy and clingy…everyday i open my email and who comes to call this one guy that said he deleted his profile and i am the first woman to talk to him…hey now at least give me sometime to think and get my head on straight because if i met this dude i may end up being like the woman with the limp…i have been thru some rough past months and i am trying to get my life on even keel again so please when i chat with u do not think i am going to fall in love with someone i c on a computer and want a long term relationship…there are guys that i have emailed and ask to chat with them but they at least gave me breathing room…do not mind talking but please especially when i get home do not call me every single day of my life…
do me a favor please remind me not to give someone i do not know my phone number thank God I did not give this person my cell phone number…smart enough to say i do not have one. this guy has called me more than one time…HELP!
great advice! both sexes are equally guilty of this online. unfortunately many offenders complain of this while being equally guilty. i got really psyched out by the 1st encounter with this..he told me similar horror stories of where the girl was nothing like her pic, then proceeded to ask me for more pics and my dress size before we met, needless to say by the time we met (me looking like my pic) he couldn’t have done anything right in my eyes
@ collin’s advice to jennifer…hit the nail on the head…illustrate with words what makes you laugh..paint with your words..you can often go online and check out other women’s profiles in different areas and see what appeals to you..and after ready a few you can easily spot how not to come off negatively and gleen from the good ones maybe a bit which describes you… i know i might personally vomit if i were a man and heard for the 100th time i’m as comfortable in my little black dress as blue jeans..lol
update…i did not talk to this dude last night ok…ignored him there are times that when i come home my mind is sit on one thing i do not want to talk to people or type all night i want to do my usual check out my sites and go to bed…I talk to so many people at work that there are times i want to be silent…there are no rings no mortgage no complications here…so this guy has become needy and clingy and now he wants to play macho man and ask me what is going on with me here…the answer is i do not have to reply and another thing what does my personal business have to do with his…HELP!
I don’t like it when women are not honest about the way they look when it comes to online dating. A friend of mine on facebook was into the online dating scene, the picture (were she looked very fit) on the dating website was not what she looked like on facebook.
I often times will search for the worse picture in a dating site and then determine this may be the closest thing they look now and if I’m still attracted to her with a decent profile, I will respond.
On the flip side, some gals put ugly or not so flattering pictures of themselves and then later on after you get to know them, reveal what they really look like which is pretty good looking. I had that happen to me on twitter too.
I suspect the reason why some women do that is because many men bend over backwards and acting all wussy for them just because they are good looking while trying to find out if the guy likes them for who they are and not what they look like.
So much for that cute chick I met online. I took Shogo’s advice about “taking charge” I told her I wanted to take her out for coffee Sunday, She told me she’ll be in NYC and will be back Monday and has to work early, I have to work the rest of the week and she said she’ll maybe meet up with me later in the next week, I said Tuesday at 8pm (the 17th) work for you? She said she has dinner with her friend on Tuesdays. I said “Cancel your plans and do coffee instead, It’ll be fun” She gave me this long text about how awesome her friend’s 2 year old is and she huskys are and how she don’t like bossy people or telling her what to do. I said See ya.
So much for “taking charge” lol
i usually ask the guy online if he has a face book account so i can see what type of friends he has and what he truly looks like and what character he has…
I have a “nice” photo as my main picture. What I also have is one full length photo in my basic jeans; a couple of photo’s of me without make-up; a couple with my dogs. (And no, I don’t dress the dogs up or treat him like children! lol
. My main “man”, loyal companion and protector of the last 15 years, Henry, would have a break down if I did that to him!).
This is about honesty. I would rather under promise and over deliver than leave someone disappointed.
@ Sandra: Sandra, why are you questioning yourself so much on this? You and this man are simply not on the same wave length. It’s not about you or about him being fundamentally flawed. You both have different expectations for appropriate communication, that’s all. Congratulate yourself for identifying that this is not right for you personally!
He is not right for you, and there could well be many that aren’t before someone is right. Let the man know honestly and respectfully “we seem to have different expectations for communication. Communication is key for me. I don’t want to pursue this any further. Thanks for your interest in me and good luck with your search.”
Dating is about “finding” out and weeding through people. Take note of what you did like in this man to give him your phone number. That is a good starting point for who is right for you. Add to this the opposite of being “smothered” which is maybe interdependent and note this too. This man has already taught you a couple of things. Hold on to those things.
Then NEXT! Straight back on your bike and off you go again!
Btw – it sounds like everyone has really high expectations of people on line. Please be careful. When meeting people in a bar – we meet them on physical attraction ie what they look like. From there we start finding out if there is also the mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual connectedness first.
On-line dating gives you the mental connection first. Just like at the bar, you then need to be PREPARED to explore the physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual connectedness.
If you are someone that is highly physically and big on sexual connection, online dating is probably going to break your mind. You can’t gauge chemistry and physciality on-line.
You are far better sitting in a coffee shop; going to your local dog park; attend speed dating; or hang at the places where women not men go.
KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF ON-LINE DATING REALISTIC AND MAKE SURE IT IS THE RIGHT MODALITY FOR YOU TO MEET PEOPLE.
Leannes
Thanks…u r right…but right now I am in no hurry to have a relationship u may say that i have too many irons in the fire…first get this head on straight and bring no baggage…thanks again
update…before i forget he yahooed me and i said that i have some things to do and tax time is here and i have some things to do on the internet and will let him know when i can talk again…so he is silent at least just hope no phone calls…
@ Sandra: Hey Sandra – do you realise that what you have just said to this man is that you are busy but do want to talk to him? Is that what you plan to do? Is that fair on this man and his time if it’s not?
I have a personal rule with dating that if I don’t want to see someone again, I will tell them. How many of you on here have been in that situation where you have been left with a bit of hope still from someone, to later then feel silly for pursuing that bit of hope? It is adding insult to injury.
Be kind, compassionate and respectful to this man. More importantly be kind, respectful and honour what is right for YOU, Sandra. This man is only responding to the mixed signals that you are giving, more than likely coming form a place of a well intentioned letting him down gently. It’s not fair on him. You have the right in dating to turn someone down, just as other people have the right to turn you down.
Be brave for you, and be kind for others. We are all out there trying to do our best…
Leanne
I agree Leanne…and no i do not want to talk to him either…right now i want to get my head on straight and parts of my life before i can actually say i am back on the dating field again…thanks for the advice…actually i am looking to see what i am up against once i start again…but will keep u all updated…yes i have seen some men come in where i work and would not mind dating them. i hope this made sense.
Yes, I agree with Leanne. After a couple of dates and I do not want to see the guy again. I will tell him the truth. I hope the guy does the same for me.
With online dating, I do not have any expectations. I just thought I will give it try. Just to see other profiles and to see what my type is. Thats all. I figure this will be a step forward. To get out of my comfort zone. Thank you Leanne for the tips.
Starting to see a lot of women online really aren’t all that serious about finding a relationship. The put up a profile just to “see what happens” or if they find someone they like, it usually only lasts for a night or two, then they don’t want to talk to you again. Once the spark leaves, they leave…it’s all about spark with women/men. I should start having phone sex with these women I meet online, the phone number is easy to get.
@ Kevin – get in front of women as soon as possible, Kevin. My interest online wanes really quickly with endless chatter.
I allocate a couple of nights per week to be on line. This creates more of an “urgency” for a date, and keeps the spark alive. I make a date then try and avoid “chatting” in between. Let there be some build up! Other people can worry about what I am doing with the rest of my nights and time!
Ask for what you want with internet dating. Be brave and write on your profile: “I am on this site to meet someone / a lady / partner / soul mate (which ever reflects you the best). Chemistry is important to me and hence I like to get to know people face to face. Be prepared to be asked out for a date early on if we gel. After all, isn’t this why we are all on here – to meet our future partner?” or something similar.
These words demonstrate decisiveness; confidence; that you are genuine in finding someone; and show you taking charge from day one. In female land, these are highly, highly attractive attributes in a man. The added benefit is this will also screen out time wasters.
@Sandra: Good for you! You are getting to know what works for you and what doesn’t; what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. It’s a learning process. It’s great to see you honouring yourself!
Excuse me being so prominent on this topic. Internet dating is such a bug bare of mine.
@ all men on here (Jen and Sandra, please add your own comments and opinions to what I am posting). I have a large circle of female friends. There are a few BIG and common mistakes that men make when showing up for that first date after meeting someone on the internet.
1. dress appropriately and well. If unsure, ask the venue for their dress code, check with people on this site, or ask a female friend to help.
This is NOT about changing who you are or spending a fortune. If you are a jeans, flanel checked shirt and boots man, be that. Just take some time to make sure that your checked shirt and jeans are ironed, clean, and in good condition.
Wear a belt. “Brickies crack”, as it’s called here, revealing a half covered hairy arse is VERY unattractive.
Make sure your belt, your shoes and your wallet are clean and not falling apart. Spend five minutes putting some polish on them.
A little bit of polish, or putting your shoes through the washing machine, does wonders!
2. shave before your date.
3. shower before you date, particularly if you have been engaging in sport / manual labour etc beforehand
3. keep your hair cut. If you are the type of man that forgets to get to the hairdresser, then book your next appointment before you leave the current appointment.
4. remove your sunglasses when talking to her if possible. You men are highly visual. Us women are highly energy sensitive. To “read” you and bond to you, we need to see your eyes.
Before or after wrting your internet profile, copy and paste the wording on to a Word document. This will highlight spelling and grammatical errors that need correcting. Your profile will appear more “polished” and demonstrates that you are serious in being on-line to meet someone.
These things are important. Women expect men to be on their very best behaviour the first time that they meet. If you turn up looking shabby because you want her to like you for you not your clothes, be prepared to never see her again. Most females that I know will take this personally and interpret this as “he thinks so little of me that he couldn’t even make the smallest effort for me”. “If this his best, I wonder what on earth his worst effort is going to be like..”. Do you get the idea?
Show respect for yourself, the woman that you are meeting, and the venue. Treat this like a job interview. You are being interviewed for the position of potential partner! Dress well by attending to basic grooming. This shows that you like and respect yourself. The lady will interpret if you like and respect yourself, that you will be able to like and respect her in the longer term, too!
You would be stunned at how many men do not do these little things. They are important to women. Stand out from the herd and attend to your grooming!
I just came home from dinner with my three close friends. Before I went out, I emailed them and asked them to describe me. Plus, to tell me my strengths and weakness. I told them the reason why. During dinner, we all had fun looking at my photo album. In my photo album were photos of my recent vacation and volunteer work. Now the next step, is to take the plunge. Reading all the comments help. I cant put my two cents since I do not have any experiences with online dating. Plus, I do not go to bars. Im not going online just to be dating. I want to meet quality guy and looking for relationship. I told my family, friends, and colleagues to invite me to all the social functions. This is new for me since in the past I decline. Now ready to take next step.
Leannes here it is…
1. Make sure u do not chew tobacco and u know what crest toothpaste is.
2. Shower for if u do not i will wonder how u take care of ur manhood…
3. I have not met anyone online yet…but be prepared to meet some of my family…and the rest will know where we meet.
4. I have met guys who sleep in tents and use the cumberland river to bathe in this is not acceptable.
5. Will not go home with u or be alone with u the first time…i will have a chaperone of my choice.
6. Remember we do not know each other dress appropriately and be a gentlemen for if u r in it hoping to get laid and act like a pick up asshole as dave puts it then forget about ever seeing me again.
7. First time drama wanting to control or act like an asshole…big no no…u r history drama is for fools and the man can find someone who has time for it.
8. Better have ur own pad for if i get tired of u and u do not then it is the streets for u…
9. Last but least in a relationship do not think u r going to mooch off my dad that is a RED FLAG…u will be history on the spot so u better be prepared…my dad did not take any man of mine to raise…
Thanks Leannes for the invite I hoped this helped…
10. Do not be needy and clingy thinking i am ur girl and no one can have me calling me every five and ten minutes then writing me an email that would make the devil green with envy…that one will not get answered and forget i have no time for it…
I tried online dating, I can’t say that it’s better or worse than meeting someone in person. I think the experience is the same. You’ll get some people who are antisocial and use technology as a means to get laid, or guys looking to add notches on their bedpost by constant messaging tons of girls, but there are decent people out there.
My only issue with guys on the internet is that they try to get too close right off the bat. I hate exchanging millions of texts if I don’t know someone. I think it’s fine to text after you’ve gone on few dates- but pick up the phone and call the person before you go on the first date.
I’ve met some good guys, but they have all turned out to be looking for the same thing: looking to talk to as many girls as possible because either they came out of a long relationship, they want to play the field before settling, or they never had the opportunity to talk to so many women with the click of a button.
I think it’s good, but like David suggested always be nice, understanding, and authentic no need to lie to the other person about who you are – it is all revealed in the end.