Come Back!!!
January 12, 2008 
62 Comments
Come Back!
By David Wygant
Have you ever gone to a party or maybe even been in a bar, and you meet someone with whom you have instant chemistry? The minute you met them, you just felt like you wanted more. There was something about them that was really fascinating and intriguing, and you just wanted to take them away to a secluded corner and find out everything about them.
Yeah, I know what some of you were thinking about that dark corner and all the things you can do in that dark corner. Get your minds out of the gutter!
As you know, everything I teach is all about natural attraction and chemistry. Some of you out there might think that in my personal life I am dating a different woman each night. Some of you might think that I meet a woman every day with whom I want to go out on a date.
The real truth is that I spend a lot of time talking to a lot of different women. I do this so that when I am experiencing instant chemistry with a woman, I realize it and make sure to make the most of it.
Nothing feels better than having instant chemistry with somebody. You know it’s happening when you meet a total stranger and you are just fixated on every word they have to say. This happened to me the other night.
I went to a Christmas party up in the Hollywood Hills. I brought along a friend of mine and a client. When I walked into the party, I saw my friend Harold talking to two women. I just could not take my eyes off of one of those two women, and all I wanted was to find out more about her.
The minute we started talking, we had great chemistry. I was truly fascinated to learn about who she was. Not only was she incredibly sexy, but there was also something sweet, warm and real about her. I wanted to find out more.
We talked for quite a long time, but then I noticed my client was wandering around the party getting frustrated. I started to feel his energy.
When I invite clients to parties, it’s not about me standing there holding their hand and coaching them all night. That’s reserved for the coaching weekends. I invite them to a party so I can keep an eye on them and see if they’re using what I taught them to flirt with women.
So my client walked right over as this woman and I were in the middle of our great conversation and said “I’m leaving.” The woman (whose name shall remain anonymous) being the nice person that she is, got him to stay and he spent the next half hour or so talking with us.
We then proceeded to go in the kitchen. I got some food, and she went to talk with her friends for a second. The next thing you know, my friend Brian was in the corner talking to her.
Since I had such a great conversation with her, I knew she would come back and we would start talking again. Even though I knew this (and I know you all have felt this), I still wanted that conversation to happen NOW.
You are enjoying the conversation with someone so much that you don’t want it to end, but yet you have got to really play it cool and believe that whatever connection was there is still going to be there no matter what. It is about having inner confidence and believing in who you are as a person.
As human beings, though, when we have true chemistry with somebody we don’t want to let it go. We really want to stay in the flow of things.
So she continued to talk to my friend Brian for quite a while. They were apparently getting into a really good conversation. I am not someone (nor do I ever teach anyone) to walk over and break into a conversation like this.
You need to be confident. You also need to trust that if you really had the chemistry you think you did with that person, that it is still going to be there no matter with whom else they speak. Yet the waiting that this requires is still hard to do . . . especially when you see them off in a great conversation with other people.
Having true inner confidence, however, is what makes you attractive to the opposite sex. A lot of guys in this situation would have walked over and butted in on the conversation that she was having with my friend. That is a turn-off!
You need to realize something. The fact that she is talking to someone else does not mean that she has lost interest in you. It just means that she’s just having a great night . . . as should you.
So what did I do in this situation? I talked to all my friends. I talked to other women. I had a great time.
Did I want to talk to this woman more? Absolutely. We even had a little rendezvous at the bottom of the steps where we flirted again before she went and spoke to some other people.
What you need to do in this situation is trust yourself and trust the connection that you already had with that person. Play it cool. If you made a good impression on her then that connection is going to be there. It didn’t go away.
A confident man does not smother a woman. A confident man allows her to come back on her own terms. If you’ve made a great impression on her, then she is going to come back. By going over there and smothering her, you’re going to lose her.
You need to believe in yourself. Of course it’s hard. Here’s someone you are attracted to and they’re talking to someone else. On top of that, my friend is very good looking, charming, and women like him.
Here’s something you need to understand though. There’s no such thing in this situation as competition. The only competition is that crazy person inside your head, that drunken money whose voice starts freaking you out telling you that you are losing her to somebody else.
People are not possessions . . . you can’t lose them. You can lose the remote control, sometimes you can’t find your keys, and sometimes you hope the cat will never come home.
You cannot lose a person, though, because you don’t own them. If you have worked on deep inner confidence, then you will truly understand that if someone is attracted to you they will come back for more no matter how many other people they talk to during the evening.
So what happened at the end of the night? I found her again, we talked, and I got her phone number. I’ve already spoken to her on the phone and we are going to go out on a date.
Learning to trust yourself and developing inner confidence is the only way women are truly going to become attracted to you. Getting all crazy and freaking out is going to turn women off.
Life is not about learning magic phrases to pick up women. It is about developing real and deep inner confidence so that you’re able to attract and understand real chemistry when it happens.
I don’t go out to pick up women . . . ever. I spend my time talking to and meeting all sorts of people (men and women). That way when I’m presented with real chemistry, I’ll know exactly what to do.
It’s all about real chemistry. I’m in my forties. It took me a LONG time to understand how to powerfully connect with women. That’s why I enjoy teaching so much.
There is nothing more exciting than a real connection with someone. I continually enjoy the ride every single day.
If you’d like to enjoy the ride and develop this deep inner confidence, let me suggest a personal coaching session or my Mastery Series click here for details.
This has been one of my favorite blogs that I’ve written. I rarely share my personal life, but I felt this story would really help a lot of people understand better how I coach and the type of passionate life that I live.
Or you can do what this man has done to turn his life around.
If I can’t inspire you maybe this guy can:)
The drunken monkey gets very loud sometimes and very hard to ignore. Everytime I listen to the monkey I end up feeling 14 again, taller than everyone else, out of place, with more pimples than skin, and the geek clothes my mother made me wear. Not a very happy place. I try to stay away, but every now and then the excuses are more comfortable.
Let me know how your date goes! I’ll tell you all about mine too.
I sometimes forget about the chemistry-thing. Instead, I get focused on the math. I over-think things. I logically add up the potential relationship in my head. … what do we have in common? do we have similar values? will he fit into my life? do we have compatible goals? etc. Then, Life knocks me on my ass when I meet someone that I have true chemistry with. He’s the kind of person that REALLY captures my interest; I feel that beautiful balance of comfort and excitement when I’m around him; when he casually touches me, I feel a rush of adrenalin; and I think about him long after we’ve met.
Sometimes I’m FAR too sensible. Connecting with people isn’t the sum total at the bottom of a list of pros and cons.
Nice blog, David. I’m glad you shared something from your private life. One of the reasons you are successful and effective at what you do is because you draw from your personal growth and life experiences in order inform your work. Today’s blog helps to create a clear picture of how you continue to do that.
David,
I really liked your post today. Your advice addresses directly how to not be needy. When you finally learn to develop your strong inner confidence and believe in your own attractiveness, getting people to like you is all about putting your best foot forward and let the “chemistry happen”. You never have to compete for anyone because you don’t ever have to PROVE that you are better than the next guy
This mindset alone is very powerful but is so hard to understand for so many guys because in some ways, you are learning not to be jealous.
Thanks khiem
Needy is what too many men and women display when they first meet someone.
You need to be able to trust yourself.
Women are turned onto men that display that confidence……..never ever smother
Sounds familiar and so true. I met someone at a party last week. During the evening we walked away from each other a few times, and I let the needy guys move in on her for contrast. In the end it worked out just fine, and we’re going out next week.
The is all part of the overriding theme– if you really connect and attract a particular woman, she will make things easy for you. If you can make the right moves in response to the openings she gives you, it becomes easy.
David,
Thank you for sharing this story from your personal life. This particular blog compelled me to post here for the first time after following your blog for a few months now. I just suddenly felt like, “oh he’s a regular person just like me.” I could relate to some of those feelings you shared. I hope you share more stories like this. In addition to the excellent dating advice you give, reading people’s personal stories (yours and others on here) seems to help me as well even if only to remind me of the connection we all share as regular people going through the good and the bad the pleasures and the pain while working towards building a better life for ourselves (on our own but in this together).
Ok enough of my melodramaticness : ). I can’t wait to share here, little by little, some of my experiences I’ve had using your suggestions from this blog, your videos and podcast.
Thank you!
Khiem,
“This mindset alone is very powerful but is so hard to understand for so many guys because in some ways, you are learning not to be jealous.”
Yes, I did think that I had to work on not feeling jealous. This makes more sense that I’d learn to not be jealous by developing my inner confidence. If that’s what you’re saying?
Hello everyone and good evening,
Once again, it’s nice to see the usual gang of suspects rounded up here in Wygant Nation, as this is David’s world, and we’re just living and studying in it.
As most of you know, I have limited social experience because of the fact that I am sensitive about my speech, although these days I tend to less fixate on that. But this blog about chemistry does bring up some interesting points. For a long time I just felt like other people had the gift of chemistry, that people just gravitated toward them because of the “it” factor-whatever “it” was. They had it, and others like me wanted it. I am now learning that you need to create chemistry, and the two main factors are the environment and YOU. When I think about how to create chemistry, it reminds me of a quote from “Leaving Las Vegas” by Sheryl Crow: “Take this loser hand and make it win.”
David made a good point about butting into a conversation. Although I don’t go to bars unless they’re karaoke, I like to observe. If a girl is out with her girlfriends or whatnot, and they’re laughing and chatting, to me it indicates it’s an “invitation-only party.” Trying to butt in will not only get you ignored, but it will also get you a “What the —- do you think you’re doing?” comment. It’s similar to the high school cafeteria. If you are new in the school and looking for fun people to associate with, you may walk up to a table you like. If you get the message that you are not welcome there, you simply pack up and look to go elsewhere. There are other people who will be accommodating.
Again, in the “Always Talk To Strangers’ book, it is discussed about how inner confidence is the key. No one likes to be around negative people, and negativity just tells the other person “I’m not approachable-leave me alone!” Then, while secretly hoping the other person will take pity on you and visit you, they will go on to speak to someone else.
One of the things that I take pride in is that despite the fact I stutter, I will often initiate a conversation with someone, simply because I am an outgoing person. I had the chance to put this into play one time, and this is a perfect opportunity to tell you about this story. Last year, I attended a charity gala for the Washington Animal Rescue League in Washington, DC. (Sadly it is not being held this year). I knew I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, because not only would there be people there I wouldn’t know, but also a more “upper-echelon” atmosphere. I believe you need a good icebreaker for confidence. And yes, pickup lines are absolutely for losers. Seriously. I don’t know of any time when the “Nice shoes, wanna —-” line ever worked. So I went for something different. I walked into the cocktail hour with my YANKEES jacket open, over my tuxedo. I knew I was probably going to be snickered at, but at least you’d make an impression that you’d be remembered. I had several people come up to me and start a conversation, both men and women. And I found from this experience, not only did I meet new people, but I LEARNED. I OBSERVED. I even had a pretty good conversation with a woman in her forties too.
I’m not saying you should walk into a place like that like you own it. But if there’s a way you can walk in and enjoy yourself, please let me know. I’m sure we’d all be interested. The bottom line is I had a small victory, and I took a chance. I think I could get pretty used to that!
And just as a P.S., I’m considering going to another gala in Washington DC (or Boston) in April. So maybe this time, I’ll have a nice young woman on my arm I can go with. Any volunteers here? LOL.
Thank you for reading, and as always, the pleasure of posting was all mine.
Respectfully,
-SK.
Hi David,
Just a reminder I’m going to call you at 7 p.m. EST on Tuesday. I am really intrigued by this idea you want to run by me.
-SK.
Steven,
I’d sure love to go to a big gala in a city. It would be an awesome opportunity to wear that black velvet outfit, but I’m a lot older…
I just need a road trip…
Now this is totally off topic, but I just love the recycling center. It is so much like a walk on the wild side.
Hey everyone:
I just wish i had gotten all this advice & knowledge 3 years ago, things wd be pretty different for me. On a positive note, i have so far lived 40% of my life (God willing) so i guess the 60% is still ahead. Its gonna be different, thanks to David. Better late than never!
David: On a personal & rather private note, any plans for Wygant junior? Hopefully the date goes well & …….Who knows, 30 years from now Wygant junior will be churning out advice too if she / he chooses to.
Steven K: Great post as usual. Our music plans?
Bertie: I agree with u. The drunken monkey phenomenon is tricky, sometimes unavoidable. Why does it pop up always at the wrong tym?
Officer naughty: U sound kinda of Je……
Lou,
Its always easier to shoot yourself in the foot than to let someone else shoot you down. That’s why the drunken monkey is allowed to be in your head…
Jeffrey,
That is exactly what I’m saying.
I personally surround myself with a fair amount of attractive women. What I have learned from that experience is that attractive women (and people in general) are ALWAYS in high demand. If you are dating one of these highly attractive women, you have to get used to “sharing” her attention with other people without getting jealous. You don’t own her. It comes down to trusting yourself, believing in yourself (and your own attractiveness) and obviously not slacking off when it comes to being a good partner.
On a related note, the last time I discussed neediness with David, we believed that neediness usually stems from the fact that most guys don’t believe good things will come again. If you always try your best, good things will come again. You just need to give it a little bit of time for “it” to happen but opportunities will present themselves to you.
What David didn’t mention in this blog, but I feel is a very prominent thing in the process of creating, cultivating the chemistry felt was that by walking away and not “smothering” her helped to enhance the chemistry. If I would have been in that situation, I would have liked that the guy stayed away and didn’t keep coming up to me. That would have translated to neediness to me and would have snuffed out any chemistry that would have occurred at the on set.
Having faith in yourself, trusting the connections you make with others, that’s the key and that’s what hard. I think we experience self doubt b/c here have been times when we thought something was there and it turned out not to be. And so we feel stupid and we project those outcomes on your new encounters. So, we get into thinking too much rather than going by what we “KNOW” and feel inside.
I enjoyed this post a lot, too. What ever happened to the client? Did he end up having an good night, too?
Bria
This is all so interesting.
Does it means I shouldn’t chain them, naked and barefoot to the kitchen?
Very good blog david. I know it is very much against your nature to open up the private side of your life…so kudos for doing so in order to lend a great example of posturing confidence in self.
When do we get to see a picture of Brian??
Bertie;
“..Its always easier to shoot yourself in the foot than to let someone else shoot you down.”..
This is so true, especially if you have been cut down an extended period of time. One tends to be their own worst critic, beating anyone and everyone to any possible negative.
I am surprised I have feet left after all the “gun shot wounds” I inflicted on myself in addition to the mnental and verbal abuse dished out by “the one who loves me.”
Hey….if anyone is in a verbally or mentally abisive situation?? Get the hell out…..NOW That goes for the physical as well.
Have enough confidence in self to break free because you are worth so much in this life.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US have a plan and a purpose for being here. If you are brow beaten into the ground…it is terribly difficult to see past the feet that you are bowing to.
I’ve found that poking fun at myself and beating someone to the punch to work best…If nothing more than a good laugh.
Joan,
The trouble in my case is the belittling didn’t stop when we ceased to be a couple. It took forever for me to find my ovaries again, and tell him where he could take his attitude. It was a long climb out of that mire.
Joan, Bertie, my thoughts are with you.
I am divorced, but I realize I had it easier than most, when I hear stories of contentious relationships and even more bitter splits.
Bertie;
“..It was a long climb out of that mire.”..
Girl. don’t I know that climb…once I got out of the perverbial quicksand I was drowning in.
If I could give one piece of insight to the world, it would be this;
YOU hold the power within YOU to determine how you are going to feel. You determine how you will process others negativie words and actions in your life.
We have the decision to make..”Am I going to let this person, who is obviously insecure of self, affect the way I feel inside about ME?”
I did let words decrease me to almost nothing. I never spoke…YEP Joan never speaking?? It was reality folks….and not a pretty one. I was home, to myself and children…not allowed friends because frankly..it was just to embarassing to even try.
At the point of turning in my life…well I now talk to every damn body who crosses my path just about and can honestly say, 98% of them speak back and there is a laugh or smile share every time…men and women.
It feels good;It feels right!
Don’t EVER allow anyone to take control of your emotional state. It will take you that long climb as out as well. It is so not worth the hurt and pain….YOU control YOU…that simple
Correction: (Hey I always loved spelling B’s) :p
perverbial=proverbial
J Dude,
ah, all that was is remembering how very far I’ve come in the last three years. We split the sheets in 05. He finally gave up belittling me in 06. Our parting, though I was very afraid of the change, was the absolute best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Hi Lou Bega and good evening,
I’m up for any discussion about music ideas you might have…although ironically as I am posting this, I’m checking out some freestyle eighties videos, and I just realized that Expose still looks good today as they did in the eighties. Man, Expose brings some good memories…back in the day!
-SK.
Good evening Bria Dear,
Welcome back to Wygant Nation..so how’s everything in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania tonight?
-SK.
Hi Joan,
I found out on one of the other blogs that someone said I was a male version of you. I truly accept that as a great compliment
-SK.
Princes Bria:
I agree with u. Confidence is key but there are moments when depstie having made good initial contact, ur not sure whether the impression was good enough to bring her back. What if the next guy is more charming than u???Self doubt does exist always.
Bertie:
I find u to be an open, independent & intelligent lady. Waaw, some guys have balls. How cd he belittle u? Hop he realizes the great loss he incurred.
Joan:
I have a cousin who was in an abusive relationship. We begged her several tymz to break free but somehow she always hang in ther coz of the kids & fear of starting allover again. She wd move out & the guy wd cry for her, beg her & promise her that things wd be better. I am glad to say that one day she said enough is enogh, im outta of here. She lives happily with her kids now
Fred B:
I find u very interesting, strange coz i am 100 % straight!! Actually i thought the woods escape was more of an adventure. A guy with your brains & sense of humour will definately fit back into society well..
Fred B
You sound a very knowledgeable bloke who could offer a woman alot in terms of conversation and contemplation. Go get ‘em wolf man!!
Aussie
Bertie; Joan;
Late to the party as usual but, I felt compelled to enter my comments here after some ice fishing and before bed.
I can relate to the comments made the both of you about being shot down all the time. It happened to me for more than 15 years, a slow and very deliberate process by my ex, to destroy me.
Needless to say she and I both stepped all over my nads, I felt trapped and confused beyond my comprihension. I could’nt bring myself to believe that someone that loved me could be so destructive and I fell into it.
So I was able to get away from it, but fell into my mire of running to the deep woods and not having much contact with anyone. Since, I have been trying to get back into society with a plan to move near a friend of mine in Virginia, somewhat of panic has moved in.
Now I find it kind of ironic or weird that you two are women and I am an older man having somewhat the same experiences with a spouse.
The panic comes when I think of being around people again and trying to interact and connect. My teen son, SEEMS to be more flexible and nonchalant about being around other people. I guess innocent teen thinking is at work here.
I, on the other hand seem to be more caveman like, a lot of times I don’t talk to others or talk very little. You can imagine what is on a cavemans mind, it seems very little or something others are not interested in or have no clue about what I am talking about, so I guess I could be called a bore and sometimes bore myself to sleep as well.
That is why I have been here and reading Davids newsletters and vlogs.
Thank you all, for the insights and discussions helping me to adapt to more societal norms.
On the other hand I have wars going on in my mind to take the leap or remain in a more comfortable environment.
Thanks to all of you, taking the leap is on gaining, even though at times imperceptable. I am becoming more positive a little at a time. I just hope I can become more positive in the days and weeks ahead before I fall into an abyss of societal hell.
Fred B,
Is it you? The Geico Caveman? Some women think he’s hot.
going back to the touching you touching me blog. i decided to forget everything my mother taught me bout matters, and dive straight into a very sexually open conversation last night with a woman last night. after i told her i was going to bed, it ended with her telling me “I’d join you if could:) id get all dressed up for u and all sexy
” I love my mom, but i’m never listening to her relationship advice again lol
Congratulations, Steven!
Berie:
Now that you’ve climbed out of the mire, the next step is to cease beating yourself up with negative self talk. Strap that monkey down and drive a stake through its heart.
The simple reason is that it saps your confidence.
I can give you a simple exercise for this if you want.
Steven:
The first thing you must do to be successful with women is to forget, forever, everything your mother told you about them.
Steven K;
I saw that comparison and felt very complimented myself.
You are an excellent writer in my opinion, you are well mannered, very gentle spirited, and 100% real people. To be compared to those qualities…I am humbled as well as honored.
Thank you so much for your sentiment. I appreciate it very much.
“…I even had a pretty good conversation with a woman in her forties too.”..
LOL Being in my forties, I had to laugh at this statement. Hey, 40 year old women are way more knowledgable with more to converse about than say a 20 something year old
You have probably said it here on the blog somewhere Steven, but how old are you if I may inquire?
Fred B.;
…”The panic comes when I think of being around people again and trying to interact and connect.”
Fred, I know that feeling of panic. I was so “sheltered” in the hellacious mental/verbal abuse, that even when I realized, “Hey I am a freaking grown woman here, wth am I doing!,” it still took a very long time, for me to go out in public and raise my head to even look at people much less talk to them.
NOW…. : P I am quite the opposite…I am the real me and I pretty much …well in all humbleness? I love …ME!
You are a wonderful asset to society, so don’t let fear suppress who you are and what you have to offer.
Lou Bega;
Yes, far to many of us get caught up in the pity parties of our oppressor, thinking we are capable of changing them with unconditional love.
It is a horrible delusion when we believe that we actually have the power to change anyone.
A person has to WANT to change, and nothing we say or do can make that happen….I spent many years in pain to find that out.
Am I happy I am me now…I hope I don’t let to much of “me” out here, but I am comfortable with any and evrything I say or it wouldn’t be here for all to read.
Dunga;
lol Yep…you are right when you say…”forget, forever, everything your mother told you about them,”….in most cases.
Their are mothers who never cut the cord as far as their sons are concerned, and feel that there will never be a woman good enough for her “baby boy.” What happens to the man, because of her negative words, can be debilitating. The mans mind is full of misconceptions where women are concerned, which initially thwarts and chance of a flourishing relationship.
Mother knows best…well that really isn’t ALWAYS the truth now is it??
Fred B:
Your life in the woods sounds like a script from the movies. I have lived in a rural area before in the middle of a huge forest with no tap water, electricity & telephone so probably i may have an idea..I dont mean to hurt u in anyway by a humble request: How is your daily routine like?
Joan & Dunga:
Lou bega;
The advice a mother gives to her daughters can either be very helpful or extremely harmful.
If a woman with daughters has a horrible marital or other relationship gone awry, the words and actions that come from the mother are very crucial in the development of her daughters perspective of men.
I think that this is such an in debth subject, because when you are a child, whatever you are told in your formative years, up to the age of around 6, is what will be most impressed in your mind for the years to come.
As an adult, we find ourselves in situations, and feel a little confusion because of our upbringing at times.
Momma said this and daddy said that now has to be sifted through and we must make decisions on our own with what we feel is best for us.
Everybody is going to stumble and fall….the trick is, we have to get back up, take a deep breath and get back in the race.
It is when we stop trying, believing or caring that our lives become stagnent. Passive complacency becomes our proverbial pacifier, eventually paralyzing any productive outcome for our future.
Soooo, don’t throw out all of the advice mom and dad gave you. Examine your own situation and as an adult you will be able to make a decision on your own inner voice.
# Khiem Says:
January 12th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
“On a related note, the last time I discussed neediness with David, we believed that neediness usually stems from the fact that most guys don
I am so sorry for doing this…I am going to go completely off topic here, but I don’t know where else to go, and you all often have wonderful support to offer, and I’m reaching out tonight for some. I haven’t posted here in quite a while; I had actually begun a very nice, and seemingly serious (yes, very quickly) relationship. The warning signs, I’m sure, were there. I had a fear of being dumped, though not really sure why, just gun shy as it were, and trust issues. This guy knew I was scared of getting serious too fast for that very reason, and continued to assure me he was not doing that. I don’t mean to imply it was a continuing conversation, but I had some insecurities. This guy, at 48, has basically been somewhat of a drifter all of his adult life. Toured with various bands, worked on ships, worked at hotels in Atlantic City…lighting design. Well, my self-fulfilling prophecy finally came true earlier this week. Monday night he loved me, and I haven not seen or spoken to him since. I have done some dumb, impulsive stuff in response that I now regret. He gave me a bracelet off of his wrist the night I met him; it now lies on the bottom of Tampa Bay. I left a couple of desparate sounding voicemails, but quit doing that. On his myspace page, where he has been everyday but today, he still says he is in a relationship with me, and I am his first friend (how silly I sound). Why wouldn’t he change that if he’s been on there every day? Tonight, I sent a final email that expressed my feelings in a rational way and asked to please call me. I also said I had done some soul searching and was embarrassed by some things I did and said in the past few days. I’m thinking of unsending it, since I can, through aol, as he has not read it as of yet. I am NOT excusing what he has done to me, because I think, regardless of what is on his mind, it’s cowardly to not talk to me, even if it’s just to man-up and end it. But to leave me wondering wtf? I am so sad, and angry, and confused right now.
Thanks for listening, and again I apologize for doing this here, I just didn’t know where else to do it.
Melinda
Thanks, to all of you, for the kind words of incouragement.
If it was’nt for DW and the rest of you generous people, I’d probably still, be only communicating with the animals instead of people.
I still have to communicate with the animals to continue to survive.
Now I am encouraged and anxiously await my move back to civilazation!
Mel
Hmmm, Monday, bit soon to be jumping to conclusions isn’t it? Check out some of David’s videos on neediness and relax. He may have a legitimate excuse for not contacting you yet. Maybe HE doesn’t want to appear needy?
I would agree with you only in the time we were together, there was never a day that went by without contact. Now there have been essentially 6. He knew I was driving over to Tampa on Wednesday and back today and never even called to see how we were doing in the car. I KNOW I sound needy and clingy, I get that, but really, he disappeared from site, literally, although has been on myspace, and at one point when I signed on to AIM, he immediately logged off. I’m just sayin, lol, he has literally blind-sided me and left me wondering WTF!
Mel:
Get over it….I am a firm believer that one way feelings towards someone are meaningless if they are not mutual….A relationship must be a two way street, not one way. I really can’t think of too much about people who are stuck for ever on this girl or guy when it is obvious that there are no feelings whatsoever towards them from that person. Life is too short to waste on a person like that…Way too many of us around:-)
omg, I am starting to think like Dave:-)
I think the Cowboys should bar Jessica Simpson from Dallas 4 ever!
To Lauren:
Fire Millen:-)
Melinda;
I really feel for the agony of the unknown you are experiencing right now.
All those questions of, “What did I do?” “Did I say something offensive, or do something unknowingly that would drive him away?”
Really Mel, as hard as it is to do, now is the time to pull back. Refrain from any more pouring your heart out on him right now. If it would give you more peace of mind to retrieve the things you have sent, then do so.
Although a different scenario you face here, for years I stood in the shoes you wear right now.
No man or woman, I came to the saving knowledge, is worth your sanity sake.
I realize you must care for this man, but is he worth the antagonistic behavior pattern exhibited?
Pull back, take a look at the picture as a whole and take a deep breath. Give yourself as well as him a few days to retreat.
He may have felt as if he was falling into some serious emotional feelings and got scared.
You have to live for you darlin. Don’t let anyone take control of your emotions and run away with them.
Everything will work out accordingly…you just have to believe that.
I hope anything I have said here can help give you some insight. You are valuable…so see your value and if he is meant to be in your life, he will come back. It will be then that you will have the decision or not do you WANT him back?.
Good luck Mel. I wish you the very best in this and hope you can find a peace within yourself.
Dan;
Get over it? Is that supposed to be words of encouragment and comfort?
I am sorry but sometimes “Get over it” is easier said than done. It is a process not some instantanious happening overnight.
I agree with you on the feelings needing to be a 2 way street. If not, what have you?? A one way ticket to hell,… thats what.
I also agree that there are too many people to waste time on one who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings of passion and desire, but if you around someone long enough and share with them an intimacy…the letting go, at least for a woman is not easy.
One thing that does cause you to let go of the cliff you have been digging your nails into for dear life, is hurt. PLEASE everyone if you have never taken anything I have ever said seriously…take this to the bank and put it in your safe deposit box of truths.
Allowing another person to rule your mental/emotional/physical state…mind soul and body, is the most destructive thing you can inflict upon yourself. Don’t let it happen. It is up to you and no one else to be happy everyday that you live. Life is what you make of it….so make the best of it.
You have but one go around here, so make it your best!
Dear Mel:
Please come down. Try to relax and get your mind off this guy temporarily. U have done whatever is possible within your means. The ball is in his hands, if he doesnt get back to u, dont even shed a tear.
The more u try to contact him, the more desperate / needy u will appear before his eyes. David always emphasizes confidence and inner belief.
Try to occupy yourself with something else, remain strong & confident.
Joan, thank you so much for your words, and Lou, too. You won’t believe this…I tried to “unsend” the email and screwed it up. I moved it to saved mail, because I didn’t want to lose it when I unsent it; now the option to unsend is no longer there, so it’s out there. I had already come to the conclusion that there was no more that I would do. Yes, I have gone throught the what have I done questions, and my self-esteem is not so low that I think that I did anything; I know it’s him. What I feel badly about is how I acted impulsively and ugly in lashing out because of the hurt and anger that I felt. When I threw his bracelet in the river, I left a voicemail that said hey, I threw your f’n bracelet in Tampa Bay. Little things like that. Wrote a bunch of dumb stuff on myspace that I kept there until I thought he had seen it. I have since taken it off and replaced my words with words of hope, that I also hope he will see. You see, I don’t believe that he lied to me about his feelings, I really do think he has some emotional baggage he isn’t sure how to deal with. Maybe I’m wrong, but for now that is what I choose to believe. Meanwhile, the email I sent is out there, and it is up to him to read it or not read it. Regardless, I won’t attempt anymore contact.
Mel;
Your welcome and good for you.
When we are hurt or feel rejected in some fashion, our first instinct is to lash out.
It is that, “I want you to hurt as much as you have hurt me,” but the only one we end up hurting is ourselves. We kick ourselves in the ass for words that can never be retrieved and in this case a bracelet in Tampa Bay.
You are just gonna be fine I can tell. Time tells all, and heals all…so give this one time for the telling and/or the healing.
Yep, that’s the plan. It’s out of my hands now. Time to return to the world of the functioning a living, lol.
Mel,
Its pretty clear that you’re not ready for a Long term relationship. You really do have to be happy with you and ok with being alone. I often wonder if that’s why I like the new man smell so much. Its just easier. You have to heal from the old stuff before you can start a new relationship. I’m quite pleased with the way my life has turned out. Take some time and take care of yourself. Go get a massage, get your nails done, buy yourself some of your favorite flowers. If this guy has baggage too, your uh…tantrum in Tampa probably scared the crap out of him. You expected him to be understanding of your feelings and fears, you need to do likewise.
Lou,
He belittled me because it made him feel better. If I was upset or angry about how I was being treated, it is easy to say, hey she’s being a nutter, and creating drama. If I did nothing, I had no feelings for him. It put me in a lose-lose situation. Its a lot easier on the ego to be able to think you’re a good guy by manipulating the situation and saying to yourself you had to leave cause shes a crazy unfeeling bitch than to say I want to do something else.
Steven K –
The commonwealth of PA is pretty good, al though we’re expecting some snow tonight. It seems too warm for snow. I finally took my Christmas decorations down. LOL. Grad school has started back up again and that is now my focus.
Mel –
Wow. I’ve been there and it is just awful. 4 years ago, I got in a relationship with a guy that sounds similiar to your guy. He wasn’t a drifter so much as he was more of a “loner”. We’d known each other for 2 years prior to dating and so I thought I knew him. Wrong. Its a long story, but suffice it to say we broke up b/c he determined that he didn’t know what he wanted from our relationship. Ultimately, that translated into me not being the one for him. Period.
At the time of our break up, I did some of the same kind of panicky responses to what was happening that you have done. But, eventually, I stopped trying to reach him. It hurt so much, I felt like all I did was cry. And I didn’t get the answers I wanted and I didn’t get resolutions that I wanted and I didn’t feel closure when I wanted either. But, eventually, I got all three and all three came at a time that was the best in terms of growth and understanding.
But, what you want to know is what to do now while you’re waiting for the ache in your stomach to subside, the flurry of thoughts in your mind to calm down, and the incredible sadness, anger, and confusion feelings to die down. Everybody is different. So, what I’m suggesting may not help you. But, it helped me.
First and foremost accept that your sad at the loss of something important to you. Right now you hurt, but the hurt you feel is only evidence that you loved someone and felt a connection. Also, recognize that you will go through a grieving process and not allowing yourself to go through it will only ensure the process takes longer. Give yourself that.
Second, I would make a list of all the red flags you saw, but ignored; all the things you now won’t have to tolerate; and all the ways you felt you had to bend your life around him for which you resented. This is not to bash him. This was something that I did to help ground me and gain perspective on things so that I stopped beating myself up with all the self-doubt.
Lastly, everytime you find yourself thinking of him or are reminded of him, – no matter where you’re at – immediately become aware of your thoughts and divert your attention to your immediate surroundings. For, example, if you hear a song on the radio while you’re diriving that reminds you of him, then start listing off in your mind what you see on the road, houses on the street, whatever. You do that for a few days and you’ll start to see that you’re not thinking of him as much. Keep doing it and you’ll find that you won’t have to consciously stop thinking of him….cuz you won’t be thinking of him.
I’m sorry to hear this is occurring – happy new year, huh? It sucks, but the most important thing that you can do from this is learn from it. Take something out of this that you can use in your life from here on out. Take the time to figure that out and you will treasure this time rather than hate it.
If it would not have been for this relationship of mine that ended 4 years ago, I never would have gone a personal journey that has yielded amazing results.
Good luck and keep your chin up. You have your health and the love of friends and family. Cherish those now even though they are not the ones you want love from right now.
Bria
Bria, you are so right; it feels like a death because there is no closure, there are no answers. I will take your advice, and I also feel that if it’s meant to be it will.
Bertie, I sent him the email today in a final attempt to let him know that regardless of what he has going on, I am open to listening and being there. At the very least, maybe he will just tell me this isn’t what he wants after all…I would be fine with that, too. At least I wouldn’t be wondering wtf happened. Yes, I acted out in Tampa, and I told him in the email I was embarrassed by what I had done.
He will either respond to my email or he won’t; there is nothing else I can do at this point but move on. We have a mutual person, she is actually a good friend of his that I met and we became friendly. I thought about calling her today, and then realized her loyalties will be to him, and that just makes me look more nuts, so I didn’t do it.
Mel,
Breaking up is hard to do, especially when one partner walks away without an explanation. Unfortunately, you became so upset over this guy’s lack of communication that you became “stalker girl” like David had written about in one of his blogs.
You became obsessed with trying to get an answer from this guy who clearly has no idea how to communicate his feelings. You wrote horrible emails and left rude voice mails to this guy in hopes of getting a response from him as to why he walked away without an explanation. Think about this for a minute. Would you want to talk to a guy who reacted this way after you left him out of the blue? I think not.
Well, I wish you wrote to David and the DW gang for advice before you even wrote your first email to this guy. All of us would have told you that one email and one voice mail was all you needed to do. You did your part in trying to get an answer. Since no reply was given his answer was simply that he didn’t have the courage to tell you what happened to make him leave. It’s hard to do, but you will have to accept that you will never know what went wrong and move on.
Unfortunately, you didn’t do that and now you have become that person that you didn’t want to become: obsessed, mean, vindictive…..and this guy now has an excuse to call you “crazy” and he is glad he left you.
I don’t know how old you are, but your behavior sounds very immature. What you did was something that kids in High School do. Can you see that now that you are reading how you reacted to this guy?
Lou was right when he said that the ball is in his court. You expressed your feelings and now it’s time to put this relationship behind. Holding on to this guy and obsessing over his actions is doing nothing but keeping you upset and in a state of sadness. This guy isn’t even thinking about you anymore, so why should you. You are in charge of your emotions and it’s time to let the anger and sadness go. Until you do that you will not be able to be available to meeting the right man for you.
Clearly this guy wasn’t the man for you. As my brother always said to me when I would complain about a guy, “NEXT”. I’d try to explain what I think happened and all he would say is, “NEXT”. His one word has resonated throughout my mind every time a guy I met wasn’t the one. So, now I am passing his words of wisdom onto you, “NEXT”.
S
David,
I have to say that this blog has been such a great eye opener for us women.
Finally a man has given us an honest answer as to why they don’t come back to us after having a great conversation. I figured a walk away was another way of saying that he’s not interested.
I never realized that my being social and talkative to everyone at the party may hinder my chance of talking to this guy again. I never figured that the guy was just waiting until I was free again to talk to again. Whoa, does that make sense now!
Thank you for explaining some of the habits of the male species. lol
I will never go to a social event without having your scenario on my mind.
I’m going to have to ask my male buddies about this one and then ask them for more advice on what keeps a guy away and what will make him come back.
S
Lou Bega:
Nope. Mother-daughter is a whole different ballgame than mother-son. A boy needs a man to teach him how to become a man. A woman cannot play that role simply because she does not know how to be a man.
Mel:
I know you’re feeling pretty crummy right now but Joa and Shannon are absolutey right. Becoming afflicted with one-itis for this guy will only make it worse. Cut the cord and forget about this guy. Your only dilemma vis-
Shannon and Dunga, I appreciate what you’re saying, but I want to make something clear…I did not send a series of horrible emails and voicemails; that does make me sound like stalker girl, you’re right. I was so blind-sided by this. My initial email and voicemail was of concern and letting him know I was confused. On Friday, the day I tossed the bracelet, I left a somewhat of an obnoxious voicemail, but I didn’t bombard him w/ nasty emails. In fact, the email I sent yesterday, which will be my last, simply expressed my feelings and asked him to call me so that we can talk. I also mentioned that I was embarrassed by what I had said and done. His silence is all the response I need. I know that moving on is the ONLY option here.
Mel
Love the cat comment
And about confidence? So true. The wait for her to ‘come back’ for another chat is a good test of inner confidence. But then again, it shouldn’t be a ‘wait’ either. If you were really enjoying yourself, why would you be waiting just to talk to someone! Super chemistry may be hard to find, but then again, if it really is super chemistry, you don’t have to worry about waiting anyway. Loving the blogs David.
Mel,
How you handled it wth the guy is irrelevant. If an emotional outburst resulted, that’s fine. As long as it does not linger. It is how you handle yourself in these situations that matters.
However, I am reassured that by the last sentence, that you are ready to move on. Which is all you can do at this point, and by far the best tonic.
to DW,
……….”instant chemistry”, in male vocabulary,.. is that defined as an “erection”? signed clueless…
Hunter;
LOL C’mon now…….you make me laugh. I am sorry but I know you are not “clueless” to think “instant chemistry” is defined in your 2nd brain.
Well, maybe it is for a man…I don’t own an erection, so hmmmm David, I can’t wait to hear your input on this one. I might learn something I well…
hmmmmmm lol