Caveman Sex Does Not Turn Her On!!!
August 22, 2007 
39 Comments
A post on the importance of learning sex finesse by David Wygant
Thanks to the “Amazing Sex” blog from the other day, I received this interesting perspective from one of our female readers. None of you know her. She’s been, as she says, “an anonymous reader” from the beginning. The only thing I’m allowed to share is that she is a very attractive woman in her early thirties who lives in a big City.
She wanted to share her story about a sexual experience she had the other night, which sounds more like she slept with a college frat boy mixed with our friend the GEICO Caveman than with a man.
What you’re about to read may make you feel a lot of different emotions. But what you’re about to read I hope may change your perspective on how to have sex with a woman if you act like this type of man. Because if you decide to have sex with a woman you barely know, she consents to it, and you treat her like this . . . this is how you are making her feel.
Our “anonymous reader” also shared with me that this man keeps calling her, thinking he was some kind of tiger in bed. She has now basically eliminated all his phone messages, and will continue to ignore him from this day forward. This man was not a tiger . . . he was a caveman.
Without further ado, here’s this reader’s story:
Thanks David for letting me share my horrific experience with this man.
Having just read David’s blog about how great “after-sex” can be with someone with whom you share an amazing physical and mental connection, I thought this posting might be apropos.
I recently had a sexual experience with an unprecedented, and frankly unhappy, side effect: I didn’t want to be kissed or touched in any way by the man with whom I had just had sex. That is, I wanted nothing to do with any kind of “after-sex.”
Was this someone to whom I was simply not attracted? No.
Was this a post one-night stand feeling of regret, or was it a case of post-beergoggling morning shock? Nope.
This happened with someone I’d already slept with . . . twice. Yes, this “relationship” fell more into the “booty-call” category, and the couple of times I had slept with this man had been . .. okay. If it was just “okay,” then why did I invite him over the other night for time number three?
Well, he was a very good kisser and I really enjoyed how much he liked to spend the entire night intertwined, touching and kissing. Also, to be perfectly honest, it had been a while (a very long while in fact) since I’d had sex. So what can I say . . .
Like the Sultry Brunette wrote about on this blog, I will admit that very often I have “faked it” with a man. While I many times do not reach orgasm with a man, do not mistake this as an indication that I do not enjoy sex. Quite the opposite in fact.
I very much enjoy most other aspects of having sex and derive plenty of enjoyment through those routes. I LOVE to kiss . . . a deep, passionate kiss to me is as good as any other part of the sexual experience. I love the body contact and the touch of connecting with a man. I love how you breath mingles. I love how sensitive every part of your body becomes to the feel of someone else’s lips, hands and body making contact with yours. Most of all, I love to do myriad different things to bring a man enjoyment during sex. That, in and of itself, really excites me.
So what happened on time number three with the GEICO Caveman (hereinafter I’ll refer to him simply as “Mr. Caveman”)? Nothing good . . . at all.
I understand that when your “relationship” consists mainly of “booty calls,” that there are certain elements of romance, tenderness, and intimacy that may be missing from the equation. What occurred with Mr. Caveman, however, crossed way over the “few missing elements” line into the territory of “completely devoid” of ANY romance, ANY tenderness and ANY intimacy.
Here’s what happened . . .
Mr. Caveman came over late one evening and upon entering my home, he pulled me immediately into my bedroom. No chit-chat . . . no kiss hello. While on previous occasions we had a long makeout session before anything more had happened, this time there was NO preliminaries of any kind.
He backed me up to my bed, pushed me down on the bed and immediately layed on top of me. Within no more than a minute, he had unzipped his pants and pulled down mine. He already had put on protection.
Before I had time to say anything, he was already inside me. I remember my first time being somewhat uncomfortable and a little painful at first … but that did not compare to this. This was painful.
Notably, he still had not said a word to me. When I tried to push him off of me, he grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them down on the bed. So, at this point, I just let him finish.
Here’s where things got weird . . .
After he finished, he smiled at me and leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head away from him. Then, he . . . ASKED . . . if he could hold me for the rest of the night. Fairly upset from the preceding course of events I simply turned over and tried to go to sleep.
During the next several hours, he made multiple attempts to reinitiate kissing and cuddling. I wouldn’t let him do any of it … which is ironic considering how those activities to me are some of the best parts of being intimate with someone.
I realize many of you are thinking “Well, what do you expect from a booty call . . . romance and roses?!” No … but this is not the kind of sex I would ever want to have with anyone, anytime, anywhere ever again. Whether sex occurs during a booty call, with a lover or in the context of a relationship, there should always be some element of intimacy.
Okay anonymous author, first of all I feel so bad for you. I can tell that you had an aweful experience. Thus, I caompletely understand why you would avoid this man for the rest of your life. But I gotta tell you I think you need to talke to him.
He obviously doesn’t think he did anything wrong. In fact, I’d venture to guess that he thought he did something very right
Great advice Crystal!!! But knowing men he will not listen and think that there is something wrong with her!!
People dont change unless they desire a change!!!
Thank you Crystal for the condolences …
I know you are probably right that someone should “set him straight,” but I’m not sure I’m up to being the one to do it. Plus, I’m not so sure he doesn’t know, since he wasn’t like that on prior occasions …
Truthfully, I feel like I’ve already payed the price for being with him and I really don’t want him to think that any “instruction” I may give him is ANY form of encouragement or sign that I’m interested in ANY future contact with him …
Thanks again, though, Crystal for the support
I am so sorry to hear you had to endure the brutal behavior of this numbskull!
This is nothing short of rape in my opinion. What a jerk. Being me,I would have probably made him wish he’d never gone there with a good butt whoopin. lol I cannot tolerate men who abuse women in any kind of way, be it mental, verbal or physical.
You are smart to block this dimwits calls and if he shows his face again, maybe a restraining order!
It sounds as if he has eluded himself into thinking he was Mr. performance and that you want more.
David is right. Unless people desire a change, it will never happen. He needs someone to knock some sense into him, but then would that even work?
Again, I feel for you having to go through this. I would have been mortified as well as horrified, OR he would have ended up leaving my house in an ambulance after I pulvarized his ass:) I am a loving, passionate, and VERY peaceful person, but don’t f with me like that or it could get ugly!
Good luck to you inthe future. Hopefully he will disappear off the face of the planet and you won’t have to deal with him any more. That is a lot to hope for, but hope is always in motion1;))
Lets here from some men on this!!!
Anonymous Reader,
Good thought, I didn’t consider that your rubuke of his behavior might be read as a “Next time I call you this is how you should do it…” Type of instruction. I suppose we all all just hope he will read this blog and realize it is about him.
“bootycall”? bollocks! sounds like rape to me….he force himself upon you and when you tried to stop him he was persistant on finishing without caring how you felt, he also caused you physical and emotional harm/pain. by law this is classified as rape. as how angry i am about it…no gentlemen would do such a thing ( even for a “bootycall”) i hope you’re going to move on and hopefully find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, not like shit under someones bloody shoe.. this guy is shit for treating you this way. and i have no tolerance for men who treat woman like treat and vica versa.
cheers,
Joe
You know, anonymous, the same thing happened to me when I was in college. And this is date rape. I feel for you, I know what I went through. And there’s nothing you can say to this caveman that would change his perception. When this happened to me, i was seeing the guyand we were having fun like youwere … then one night he just decided to do what he did to you.
now, when I’m in a relationship with somebody, I don’t mind having someone come in, throw me down and have his way … but he has to be invited. This guy overstepped his boundaries.
So, darkpoet, you are very perceptive and bright man. Hopefully men will learn from this post, and never pull that “i need to cum like an animal” experience again!
David, you understand women like you’re in their head. THere are very few men who understand women this deeply. Your mother should be very proud of you! And any woman that dates you, is the luckiest woman in the world. By the way, you for posting this must be unbelievable in bed … I’m blushing now
this has nothing to with sex. this has to do with power and control! by forcing her to have sex… he’s gaining power on her and her will, that gets him off more then the sex, a sick and sad thing…
horny lisa, i feel for you…. not alot of woman realise what rape really is, especially date rape. it happens alot more then most people think.. it’s a sick and sad thing. no gentlmen would do what happen to this woman even for a bootycall…
cheers,
Joe
Joe
What he did was all about power and it had nothing to do with connecting on any level with her.
I have had this on going conversation with men about men who have this primal urge to get off.
I need and desire a connection and really get turned off when some of my friends talk in such primal desires.
Look when I was 18 and in college I had the need to be more primal but the knowledge that acting like a rapist caveman was not something that any woman desires.
This is one of those topics that can really being up some deep emotions I just hope that men will look deep into the message and really understand what this behavoir is all about.
Lisa thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts about me……..very sweet!
…In this instance, the notion of rape is way over the top. The man clearly thought he had established a physical connection with anonymous and chose to be assertively aggressive when he came over.
Having said that, he also misjudged the level of sexual rapport he had with anonymous. Other women might be turned on by such untamed passion. The fact that the lover wanted to stay around afterward and kiss shows his intentions were good.
Ladies, I know these are emotional issues for you, but that only proves you need to assert yourself and communicate when situations like this come up. Now Mr. Lover still thinks he is a tiger because Ms. Anonymous will not tell him otherwise.
Man, this is a tough call…
I agree with Dave S… I don’t know if I’d consider it rape. It looks like to me that this guy was trying to switch gears a bit… maybe to “spice” it up.
Obviously, he went the opposite direction in this particular encounter.
And like Lisa says, “when I
I’d just like to point out that I did not call this man a rapist … I simply indicated that I did not enjoy my experience with him. I even am willing to take part of the blame for this … as I said that as a “booty call” he may not have thought romance and teddy bears were required …
So, before I get pummeled any further for making accusations I didn’t make … let me be perfectly clear. I don’t think this guy intended to be a “rapist” or to hurt me, HOWEVER, I also don’t think he cared at the time whether I was having any fun or not … and so I don’t think I owe him any kind of conversation or discussion or anything else.
I simply CHOOSE not to want to be with this man ever again … I was very sore and felt very creeped out for days after this … and whether or not he intended that is irrelevant. I’m not interested in repeating it …
So men, please remember before getting on my case that I did not call this man a rapist. I was simply relaying how I felt during this encounter …
Dave S.;
I do have to agtee with you on the communications aspect, as well as the assertiveness.
In no way am I condoning this rectasaurauses behavior, but a woman does need to make herself clear. Yea, so I don’t have much experience with a shit load of men, but i do have intelligence as well as common sense.
I think he totally caught you off guard Anony. Reader which was the unfortunate part of it all, but then who can plan for this kind of shit?
The “throw down,” as well as “throwing down,” are both complete turn ons when it is a relationship with someone you are attuned to like that, but he was out of line.
AngelEyes;
What kind of knife would you reccommend for the nut cut ceremony? lol
That is the best route to go if he turns to be a scum bag or better yet, hang him up by his nuts for a while–then “cut him loose!”
I don’t see him as a rapist, but would liken this incident to replicate such.
Anonymous Reader, fret not thyself what anyone says about this incident.
Just rest assured, there will be someone who eventually puts this guy in his place. Guys like this have ego problems and feel the need to use their animal brut to feel like a “man.” If they only knew the gentle touch is so much more than brutal force.
After the gentle touch, kissing–some kind of hello and foreplay—bring on the animal side! That is just as good a feeling as the slow grind. It just needs to be understood what the hell is going on, instead of a surprise unwelcomed attack!
who the fuck is said you’d called this man a rapist.. no ones blaming you or labeling you. his fault not yours, but you and david asked for my and the mens opinion and you got mine, if you didnt like my opinion tough shit next time dont bloody ask.
my question to you is did you speak up to him? well maybe you should of communicated to him now and then, that you didnt like what happened to you. maybe he’ll get the point that he hurt you. but then again may he wont. then cut him loose.. he just might learn something. you probably wont. so i’m going to save my breath… because my opinion is worth shit on here now…. what is communication anyways?
cheers,
Joe
You know… it’s tough to really convey yourself on an emotional subject like this through words on a screen… that being said… I myself know quite a few women that absolutely LOVE this type of sexual encounter and don’t really respond well to the intimacy that many people like to enjoy.
But… in the whole scheme of things… everyone has to remember that this is one of those situations where EVERYONE has an opinion… because they’ve experienced something like this at one time or another.
Oh, and Joan…
A rusty butter knife sounds about right me
Darkpoet, my comments were not directed at you and I’m sorry you are now so angry … But I think if you read through the comments you will see that others were responding to me based on comments from here … I was just trying to clarify …
I am happy to get everyone’s feedback … it is very interesting and, as is usually the case on this blog, the comments give you different ideas about things that you would not have considered on your own.
So, in deference to what seems to be the overwhelming opinion on here so far, I will take responsibility for the fact that I did not speak up perhaps as much as I should. Lesson learned I guess …
One question for all of you to ponder though … If this guy just didn’t get that I didn’t enjoy this session, but is really a great guy, don’t you think HE maybe should have at least wondered or questioned why I wouldn’t let him within five feet of me when the times before I did?? Something to think about maybe …
Keep the comments comin’ … they’re all great, I love to hear all of your opinons, and the quality comments on this blog is why I’ve been such a longtime reader!
no more comments from me. i’ve said enough…
cheers,
Joe
Wow. This is a heated subject here to say the least. I am making no accusations but to say I view this as close to rape as it gets. I am sorry to hear any woman would have to go through this, but he needs to be dealt with. Darkpoet, I hate seeing you so riled up man! I know you are speaking out of of your anger towards this damn joker who gives men a bad rap, as well as inflicts his bullshit on women. I am sure this is not a first for him man. Joan, somehow I believe you when you talk about kicking his butt;) My kind of lady sexy cougar. I would hope no one would ever try to hurt you in any way or I would be apt to do the ass kicking in your defense. You seem to be stuck right there where it counts..the brain in my head…on shoulders! Man I am just digging deeper and deeper my grave here. You know how I feel J. I need to cut this before it gets out of hand. I’m out!
I normally smile at this Blog. We talk about connnections, emotional ties, yet without a healthy foundation its only desires of the flesh. I’m sure we have all had them, and acted upon them as well. Boundries are healthy, and you will continue to apply them as you see correct for you.
BTW, I always want to please my partner. I would always stop if asked, out of respect, and never rush? Unless thats the program! Its always fun to be in the middle, connected! People can be very selfish!!!
Thank you for sharing your experiance.
Jim
I’ve written and canceled several responses to this post and the comments, because it is such a complicated situation, one that I think many women, myself included, have found themselves in something similar– where they find themselves having sex that they didn’t want to have, and it isn’t exactly rape either and when trying to tell their story people either accuse them or accuse the guy of thigns or intentions that may or may not be true, and so if I step on any toes, I apologize in advance.
There is a lot of complexity in this situation . . . and I find it interesting that many are jumping to conclusions about who this man is or what his intentions were. There is no doubt in my mind that his behavior made A.R. uncomfortable and put her in pain, which sucks. I respect the fact that she is not jumping on the rape band-wagon and explicitly states that. It definetly seems like the dude may have rocks for brains when it comes to manners, communication and consideration.
Everyone makes some good points, and the core of it seems to be inadequate communication on both sides, with him being in the majority of error. It also seems like they don’t know each other that well and he may have been projecting who he thought she might be on her. I would be curious to know what was running through his head when she was in pain– I know for me, I make an entirely different sound when I’m in pain than from when I’m in hurts good pain, from when I’m experiencing pleasure. And I also usually say something (these days anyway).
Perhaps her sounds weren’t distinguishable to him depending on his range of experience. When she did not cuddle, perhaps he figured she was just being moody as some women are wont to be. He may have figured he already had permission, since there relationship was established as booty call, so in his mind he may not have been forcing her. Or maybe he recently read an objectivist novel with a torrid sex scene . . . which twisted his brain a little. But neither of them communicated what was cool and not cool. And she got hurt. He is lucky she is who he is, because she probably could prosecute, even though it is blurry.
There are many “shoulds” that this guy could have done or noticed, and fact is he didn’t, and the other fact is, we don’t know what he was thinking or how he was perceiving things. We may never know. There are things she could have done differently that would have confirmed that he is a dasterdly dude or gotten him to change his behavior with more information and resulted in less pain for her. But we can’t know because things already happened the way they did. The only thing that A.R. can do is figure out what she wants to do should she ever find herself in a similar situation, and it sounds like she was doing that.
While A.R. may never tell him, she has told us, and hopefully many other anonymous readers so that they may learn how to be more considerate in the world. So indirectly, by telling her story, she is educating someone, even if not him. It is very brave to talk about feeling vulnerable and helpless (my perception) like that, AND to still be accountable for your role in the situation (which she was when she said hey wait I didn’t say the R word guys!) And it seems like many of us have missed the point which seems to be more about education than accusation. Of course, maybe I missed it too.
Specifically; I’m also curious, Joe/Darkpoet, about why you went from attempting to champion for A.R. and then saying some fairly rude things, when she made a general comment to men that was not rude, just a clarifation of what others were perceiving. You’re right, communication is important, and I’m wondering how you perceived her comment?
Hey everyone. I decided today would be a good day to stop being an anonymous reader myself. I really enjoy the blogs and try to read them everyday as well as the comments. This is certainly one of the more controversial blogs I’ve read on here but at the same time it is a very interesting one. I have to say that was a very well-written opinion Lexi. I completely agree with you. Anonymous Reader you broke my heart with your story but you seem like a strong, intelligent person who will not let it affect you forever. Thanks for sharing so others can gain new insight.
sorry lexi i’m done commenting on this blog… as for me being rude that wasnt my intend…i just hate fucking asshole men like this. you women always seem to pick the good ones aye? as champion for A.R. i wasnt champion for her. i was giving my opinion. but i dont think i’m gonna do that often anymore.
cheers,
Joe
Darkpoet;
I will miss you here. I need you here my friend.
I understand you are upset, and it is your decision to do so or not.
I feel the same way about men always choosing the”good woman” when she is right in front of his fucking face!!!
She just isn’t of the perfection status so he must move on to the “10s” and the “models” and the more petite!
Don’t worry about all that. People who choose that way, will be sorry at some point that they lost the really good one who is pure in heart.;)
I hope you decide to stay, but I understand your reasoning for upset. Your a good man Joe.
Jacob;
You stopped in to say hi!?!
lol You are funny.
You are definitely capable of kicking some booty with that bod of yours.
Thank you for being willing to rescue this “damsel in distress”
I know how you think and where you think from—most of the time–lol I am kidding so don’t call to reprimand please?!
No grave dug there Jacob. You are a great guy in my opinion. MANners;) That is the key word for a man is MANners, and you posess them:))
Now, hit those books “baby doll” lol
Dark poet
Heavy day here on the blog and I just read through all the ppstings.
I knew when I posted this that this would be a heavy topic.
Its all good and everyone has spoken from there heart on this subject.
Time to let all this sink in and head to the next topic.
I want everyone to continue feeling that they can voice their opinions.
This forum back here is set up for this and there will be many days that people will disagree!
In order to grow and learn you need to be open to others.
Have a great night and see you all in the am!
Darkpoet–
I’m glad being rude wasn’t your intention, you don’t seem like a rude guy from your comments on other blog posts. I can see how it might be frustrating to know that you are decent man, and this woman was not treated as well as you would treated her. Or that any woman isn’t treated as well as you would treat her. :/
I myself have picked a variety of men. Ranging from royal assholes to “nice guys” to good men. Sometimes picking an asshole is accidental. Sometimes we don’t think we deserve any better. Sometimes a guy is smooth on the outside, and full of shit on the inside, and it just takes a while to fgure that out. Sometimes we are too hopeful that he won’t be a jerk and because many women are forgiving, we give them more time than is good for us. Not all women like jerks, and not all men are jerks, in fact, I think most men are good guys.
It sounds like other people value your opinion, and it is your choice to voice it or not. It would be a shame to loose that voice, and I understand you need to do what is best to take care of you.
L
Darkpoet;
It would be a shame to lose you! You are one of the real men I see here and unafraid to speak your mind! That counts for a world of respect:)
I for one value you as a man and your opinion in the highest of status.
i never said i was leaving, just that i’m probably not going to post as often, but knowing me i probably will. as for people who think my opinion is value on here, maybe it is, maybe not. who knows? only the one who value it know, i suppose..but i’ll give it regardless.
cheers,
Joe
Joe;
Thats the you I know and value so much as my friend.
I for one know—it is of great value and insight. I am glad to know you aren’t leaving me!:)) lol
Good morning Darkpoet, how is your day going?
To me, not only does he sound like a caveman, but he sounds like an asshole and a rapist (based off the description given in the blog); I am not a lawyer (yet), but in fact, in some jurisdictions it might have been.
Anonymous Reader,
The incident you described sounds a little bit on the rape side. I understand you don’t view him as a rapist and that you did intend to have sex with him, but if you are not given the chance to at least object to what he is doing (at any time during the act) is very wrong!
I will admit that I have had my share of booty-calls and none of them go along the lines of the incident you just wrote about.
As a victim of rape, it does not sound as if you actually consented to every part of the act. Just because you are not physically hit or left with red marks, does not mean you have given permission to this person to humiliate you or make you feel humiliated.
As far as punishment, I am a firm believer of the saying “What comes around goes around.” I have seen it many times.
I will share my personal experience of justice being served by a higher power. Like I said already, I have been raped, not violently so I never had bruises or broken body parts; I had emotional trauma mostly. It has been many years and I have gotten past the previous events that have happened in my life (I say that before I get any condolences, I am fine about it now). However, the man that raped/molested me has lost use of his body from the waist down. I never reported any instance of what happened to me, but I do feel that God is definitely giving this man the proper punishment. However, since I said I have moved passed my emotional issues that stemmed from being raped, I will say I will not be able to be in the same room with the man who did it to me; I have not forgotten, nor will I ever forget how he has changed my life.
A.R. you are not wrong for not wanting to talk to him ever again, nor is there any law/higher power that says you have to. You are right for not wanting to even think of this person ever again. You, as you already are thinking, are entitled to do what you feel is best for you. You are the only one that has to deal with what happened and you are the only one that has to be able to move on from the experience. I support your decisions and your strength to tell others what has happened. I wish you happiness!
Kelly
Thanks for sharing!!! That was a very powerful posting and I am sure A.R will appreciate it!
Yes, Kelly, allow me to ditto what David said … thank you for sharing your story! I greatly appreciate your support and your kind words!!
It sounds to me like a MAJOR miscommunication. The fact that this guy kept wanting to kiss and cuddle is very telling.
The fact is, many women love rough sex where they’re pinned, dominated etc. and are bored with tender gentle sex. It sounds to me like the guy had this in mind and thought that she was loving the experience. I think he was trying to fulfill a fantasy that he imagined her to have.
It’s terrible that it was such a bad experience for the woman, but if she never said “no” or “stop” and just tried to push him off once, then the guy probably just thought she was getting off on the “struggle.” Again, a lot of women love this kind of thing.
If something like this happens again, I would suggest saying, “Stop! Get the hell off of me! I’m in pain and not into this!” or anything like that.
There was so little communication, that the guy seems to have thought he pleased her. Why else would he have smiled at her and wanted to kiss and cuddle afterwards?
hey i agree with mike every guy has the right to know there and then if women are pleased or not. men always end up being idiots for some reason. a few days ago i was reading an article about date rape on a recent women’s magazine and was so angered on a case where a guy has to suffer being labeled as a sex offender for the rest of his life even though it was clear that the girl lured him into getting laid
Women do not fantasize about a violent encounter. They fantasize about one where they know and it is understood that they still have power to say stop. As far as the kissing and hugging afterwords, it is no different than an abusive husband/boyfriend. Physical affection and gifts always follow the abuse. No different. I can not believe anyone in this day and age still thinks anyone wants violance. In my situation, the guy had conections with the police somehow. My cloths were torn and I was returned to my car (amazingly) as I rounded the corner trying to get home a wreck, he was standing in the street talking to a cop. For a second I wanted to gun it and run him over. Not to smart with a cop for a witness. I am over it now, or I think I am.