I remember I went on an online date a couple years ago, this woman looked so great and amazing in her picture. Her profile described her as “fit and trim.”
Then when she showed up for the date, she was walking with a limp. This fit and trim athletic woman was walking towards me with a limp. And as she got closer, her shape got bigger and bigger. And pretty soon I realized that it wasn’t a limp she had, she was walking that way because she was carrying an extra ass with her.

She sat down to the table all nervous, fingernails bitten raw. The woman I saw in the picture looked glamorous. So I asked her, “How have you been?”
She said, “Man I’ve been really brutal lately. I’ve got this thyroid condition and I’ve just been putting on a lot of weight. I’m so sorry that I look this way. I really will get back to the way that I looked in those pictures, I swear I will.”

Meanwhile I’m thinking to myself, I’ve only known this woman for 15 seconds. This is going to be one of those half an hour dates where I pretend that someone texted me from the office and I’m going to go back.
So I said, “No, don’t worry about it, we all go through rough times. She said, “Rough times, you wouldn’t believe how this year’s been with my mother.” And then she went into this whole story about how her mother told her that she was gay. And how her mother now has a lesbian lover, her father got depressed and had a nervous breakdown. And she dumps all this on me in the first three minutes of our date.

So I start thinking to myself that would it actually be pretty rude to just check out and pretend I got a text from my office right now because I am terrified to know what the other 27 minutes are going to bring. So I did something which I think all of you should do.

When you have a crazy online date–and you will have crazy online dates–give the person a little bit of your time and attention and realize they might just need somebody to talk to. They might need an ear to listen to their stuff and unload on.

I like to be as nice as I possibly can. Why? Because I truly believe in karma, and I believe that being nice and authentic and amazing to people is the only way to treat people. You’re going to get brownie points in this world for doing that.

And then at the end of the date, look at her and say, “I’m so sorry, I’ve got to get back to the office. I really enjoyed talking to you and I wish you all the best.” It’ll make her feel good. She knows you’re not going to see her again. She’s done this on every date for the last probably three, four, five months.

You want to be the one who makes her feel good. Because you might run into her again. She might have a hot friend, and you don’t want to be the ass who basically blew her off on the day that she really needed to talk to somebody more than anything.

It’s about treating people with compassion. It’s about treating people the way you’d like to be treated. I hope you never go on a date and complain about your thyroid condition, how you’ve put on weight, and how depressed you are right now. But if you get that crazy date who unloads that on you, have a little compassion and you’ll see it will take you a long way.

Christmas is right around the corner, there are a lot of Holiday parties going on right now, and a lot of you younger guys are home for the holidays going out to the bars and seeing old friends…

So you’re out at night doing exactly what I always tell you to do.  You’re enjoying yourself, making your rounds talking to everyone, working the room, never trying to chase or pick up women and letting the ones you’re attracted to come to you.

You’re talking to everyone, having a good time, and pretty soon great things start happening, just like I said they would.  And just like that, you start talking to a REALLY hot woman.

But then the worst thing happens…She’s a total raging bitch.

You know the kind.  She kind of looks at you, raises an eyebrow, and says something really obnoxious, like:

“Um, why are you talking to me?”

“My boyfriend is in the bathroom you know…”

“Yeah whatever, that’s nice… BYE little man!”

What Are You Going To Say To Me?

So in your own head, you’re furious.  What a bitch, you think.  I mean, who does she think she is?  I was just talking and having a good time.  It’s not like I was hitting on her!  Does she really think she’s that great?  She’s not the prize, I’m the prize, you think to yourself.

You want to say something.  Really show her up and give her a piece of your mind.  But now she’s talking to someone else so you can’t just go up and interrupt them.  So you walk away feeling rejected.

And you can’t get that one interaction out of your head, and it’s just ruined your night.

If this is you, you need to change your mindset.  Mindset really is the most important thing.  Because while it is true that you are the prize, you are only the prize if you really believe it.

So here’s what I would do in that situation.

If she comes at me with a really ridiculous statement, I like to be a little immature myself at times, so I’ll play along and be equally ridiculous back.

If she asks me why I’m talking to her, I’ll be honest.  If I thought she was really hot and I wanted to get to know her to see what she was like as a person, that’s exactly what I’ll say.  And I’ll say it with a big grin and a twinkle in my eye.

If she tells me she has a boyfriend, I’ll say something like, “Congratulations, that’s quite the accomplishment.”  Or if she says her boyfriend is in the bathroom, I’ll ask her, “Number 1 or Number 2?  I just want to know how much time I have to flirt with you!”  (I think that’s from a movie somewhere.)

I don’t censor myself and I like to have fun talking to everyone. That’s just my personality. But I also believe that life is all about the people you surround yourself with, and I don’t surround myself with stuck-up, arrogant people.

And after a quick exchange I’ll just walk away.  I’ll smile and say, “Well that was an ‘interesting’ conversation, have a nice night,” and I’m on to the next person.

And that’s it.  A woman who is blatantly rude to me has just selected herself right out of the pool of people I want to spend my time talking to.

And that’s the most important thing you can learn.  You can come up with all the comebacks and cocky little lines you want (it works on some immature girls because, to be honest, only an immature girl would say something like that), but the bottom line is that you need to learn how to dismiss her.  You need to learn how to walk away feeling great about being the better person, and forget about that interaction immediately.

If a woman says something to you that makes you upset, ask yourself why you’re getting so upset.  It’s not your problem that she treats perfect strangers like shit.  No need to try to overcome that attitude.  The last thing you need in your life is a person with a negative attitude who has decided it’s ok to treat people like that.

The way I think is like this: I don’t need to win every time.  I don’t need to teach her a lesson.  There are tons and tons of women out there for me to meet who are both attractive and friendly.  I don’t need to say, “Ha!  You were wrong about me, in your face bitch!”  That’s all ego talking.  I don’t need to change her opinion about me, because I don’t really have anything to prove to her.

It’s all about practicing abundance in every aspect of your life.  An abundant mindset is crucial to developing an attractive personality.  You don’t have anything to prove to anybody, so start acting that way.

It’s getting cold outside here in NYC, so I figure tonight I’ll bundle up on the couch, turn up the heat, and stay in for a movie, some Italian takeout, and a nice bottle of red.

While I’m thinking about it, bars are the farthest thing from my mind right now.  But it’s still Friday, so let’s talk about something relevant: going on a date.  Specifically, Friday night first dates, which I know a lot of guys tend to overthink.  So I’ll break it down and share an email I got from a client this week:

Hey Shogo,

Just wondering is there a polite way of asking a lady to pay for herself for an expensive outing?

I’m thinking about inviting this girl to an expensive concert, which costs $400.  I wouldn’t mind paying if she’s my girlfriend.  But, I barely know her and don’t know if it’s going to work out.  I know she likes music.  She’s in real estate, and I’m pretty sure she makes more $$$ than I do.  So, I wondering if I should ask her to pay for herself, forget about this whole thing and invite her to something else, or just take the risk and pay for her ticket and see what happens.  What do you think?

*I know they talk about ROI in dating, and this is an example.

Thanks in advance Shogo,

Jerry, New York City

Expensive Dates... Get it?

Jerry, good question.  Actually it’s two questions: 1) How much is ok to spend on a first date?  2) Can she pay her own way?

This is an expensive excursion we’re talking about.  Even if you’re banking some major green, a $400 event is just not date material.  It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not.  Because even if you can, unless you want to be seen as a walking talking ATM or just another a guy who’s desperately trying to impress her, it’s a terrible idea to drop this much cash on a first date.

Ask yourself: do you really want to go to this concert?  Would you go to this concert if you went by yourself or with a buddy?  If the answer is no, then scrap the idea and do something else.  Go on dates where the activity is something that you actually personally want to do (or you know that she’s really going to enjoy—which in turn makes you want to do it too).  Don’t take a woman out for a first date that you would not want to do anyways.  You plan a date based on something that you want to do for fun, and as an added bonus, you have a great woman to share your time with.

So assuming this is a concert you really want to go to, if you’re going with her as friends, invite her along.  Just as you would invite a friend, tell her, “Hey, Sting (or whoever the hell costs $400 these days) is playing in concert next weekend, I really want to go and since you’re such a fan, I thought you’d be interested in going.  Tickets aren’t cheap though.”  Now you’ve implied that she’s got to pay if she wants to come.  Keep in mind that this is not a date.  This is you inviting her as a friend.  (It doesn’t mean you can’t date her later on down the road, but for now she is not your date to this event, so don’t treat it like one.)

But if you want to ask her out on a date, then ask her out.  And that means you pay.  My rule of thumb for guys is to ALWAYS PAY on the first dates.  Depending on your relationship, you can split (or let her pick up a check) later on down the road when you’re seeing each other on a regular basis.  But for now, you invited her, you pay, and you lead her on that date.

So that means that every date that you invite her on should be within your financial means to pay for both of you.  It can be dinner if you want (make sure it’s a place you actually enjoy going to; even better, a place you’ve been to many times before), it can be drinks, or just a simple coffee on the weekend or a stroll through the park or the holiday market—which costs nothing.

A date should never have to be “risky.”  A date should always be fun no matter what the outcome.  You should never feel like kicking yourself for having spent money on taking her out if the date turns out to be a flop.

How much would you pay for one night?

When you are spending money on things to go out and try to attract women, that’s when you think about your ROI, your return on investment.  But forget about the ROI when it comes down to the date itself, because on the date you are not spending money to try to attract the woman you’re going out with.  Your return on the investment is how much fun you had on the date itself, not what may or may not happen with her sexually after the date.  The money you spend is just window dressing for your leisure time—it does not buy anything from her, so do not expect anything.  If something happens, great.  But make sure it has nothing to do with the money you spent.  That’s just you and her being attracted to each other, and that’s not something money can buy.

So she doesn’t like you at the end of the date, or you don’t have chemistry, or whatever—you want to walk away from every first date with the attitude that you had a good time no matter what.  If there was no attraction, well then at least you learned something about yourself.  Or you practiced your skills communicating with a woman.  Or you learned something about how women work and it will make you better for next time.  Or you can walk away as friends and you’ve added a new person to your social network.

There is always an upside to every encounter with a new woman.  And that’s what you focus on.  Maybe the date works out, and that’s great.  But even if it doesn’t, don’t chalk that up as a lost investment.  Think about how you grew.  What you learned about your skills connecting with this woman, what you learned about women in general, and what you learned so you can improve the next time.

No date should ever have to be financially risky.  Eliminate that “risk” right out of the equation by asking yourself, “How much would I feel comfortable spending just to hang out and get to know this woman even if things don’t work out?”  And you will have your answer.

No, not somebody who orders eggs and hash browns at the diner, takes them home, and then rehashes them the next morning.

The other rehashing.

Are you somebody who will go out on a date—maybe a few dates—and then if it suddenly fizzles out with him or her, you’ll go and drive your friends crazy for the next two weeks reliving and replaying every single moment of those dates. You want to rehash every moment: “If I just said this…” “If I just did that…” “If he just reacted to me this way…” “It was over all because I didn’t react that way, that’s the reason why we’re not going out again!”

All that rehashing is ridiculous. It’s not the one thing you did or didn’t do that killed it. It’s a combination of things. It’s energy. It’s chemistry. There’s so much more involved than just one stupid little thing you could’ve done better. Usually nothing you could have done would have saved the situation anyway.

So if you’re driving your friends crazy rehashing your last failed date or relationship 24/7 over something that you think might have gone wrong—you’re 100% wrong in that. Because what really went wrong is that you didn’t have the chemistry with that person. Maybe life at that moment was throwing you a curve ball. Maybe your date had things going on in his or her life. Maybe you had things going on in yours.

It’s never, ever just one thing. It’s not one thing that you said on that date that turned the whole thing around and killed the date momentum. It’s not one thing that made your date not want you or desire you or want to be with you. So stop rehashing the past, and start smoking all the hash that you want.

I am sure all of you are back in the office wishing it was Black Friday all over again. But today I hear is cyber monday followed by some kind of tuesday.

It seems that we now name all the days before Christmas. It used to be the 12 days of Christmas now its some named day and were not even close yet. Back to the dating world and today we are all about the clueless people who have no idea that they are a dangler.

Have you ever had a dangler?
Do you know what a dangler is? Are you self-aware enough to know when you have a dangler?

The other day I was out to lunch with some people. A guy sitting across from me had a dangler. It was pretty distracting.
Now there are many forms of danglers. A dangler can be a piece of food that’s stuck on the tip pf somebody’s lip. You know, as they’re eating and talking, that little piece of food just seems to swing back and forth on their lip? It’s like its winking directly back at you.

So you wait for them to wipe their lip. You think to yourself, How could they not know they’ve got this huge dangler? Can’t they feel that there’s something dangling right from their lip? Pretty soon you get fixated , sitting there staring at the dangler while you’re trying to concentrate on the conversation. You think to yourself, How much longer am I going to sit here without telling them that they’ve got a dangler?

There’s other danglers too. There’s the booger dangler that flaps in and out of your nose every time you breathe. Don’t they know that there’s a little booger flapping in and out of their nose? I mean, can’t they feel it going in and out, in and out? Literally at each breath, the dangler sucks in, the dangler blows out, sucks in, blows out.
Yeah, it’s funny. We’re all human. We all have plenty of little danglers of our own from time to time.

But the question is: How truthful are we with people around us who have danglers? Do we say something? Do we say nothing? It is appropriate social etiquette to go up to somebody across from you and say, “Hey by the way, a little piece of spinach artichoke dip is dangling from your lip.” “Hey, you got a little booger flapping in and out of your nose, and I just thought you’d like to be aware of that.”

There are no clear-cut rules for whether you’re supposed to do it on a date. But then again, if that person goes to the bathroom and they found out they had a dangler there, they start thinking to themselves, What the…? Why didn’t my date tell me I had a dangler?
The same rules are in effect for food stuck in the teeth. Do you tell someone that they’re front tooth looks like it’s missing because it’s covered in spinach? Or do you just sit there and just pretend to ignore it the whole time so that by the time they get home and look in the mirror, they see that they have a grill full of spinach.
I say we tell people about danglers. Every time. Maybe we should make a dangler appreciation day where we go around and tell everybody about the dangler that they have, regardless of whether we know that person or not.

Because I would certainly appreciate it if someone told me I had a dangler blowing in and out of my nose or dancing on my lip.

Oh wait…wrong holiday.

This is it: Over the river and through the woods; To grandmother’s house we go!

Who wrote that annoying song anyway?

So today, one day before you are attacked by the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, where they all are going to ask you this one big question:

Why are you still single? How come you didn’t bring anyone to Thanksgiving dinner?

So instead of the usual defensive mode you go into, I have a solution for you.

Today’s podcast will give you the exact reason why you are single this Thanksgiving.

Your answer to Granny, Mom and Dad, friends, and co workers, lies in today’s special holiday bonus one hour podcast.

It’s time to understand the importance of your journey. It’s time to embrace how how being single is the way to go.

And one last thing: Do not let Mom, Aunt Susie, or Grandma set you up on a date. They have no clue what you like in another person, and they did not listen to this podcast to understand why you are single and what you are looking for.

Let’s go back to the game and rewind just a little bit. The Jets found a way to beat Tim Tebow. I think they had eight three in outs on the Broncos. The Broncos couldn’t move. Tebow couldn’t run.

Tebow throws like a girl, I’ve never seen passes like that in the NFL. All his passes seemed to go absolutely nowhere but down to the ground or towards the stands.
But at the end of the game, the Jets became just like most guys are when it comes down to dating. They went into what is called the Prevent defense. And all the Prevent defense ever does in football is prevent you from winning.

I’ve seen it 1,000s of times. A team plays great defense for 55 minutes of the game, they give up no touchdowns at all. Then all of a sudden the quarterback, who’s been having a horrible game, will drive the team down the field and win the game. Because the defense that worked for 55 minutes is abandoned. Then the team is losing, and stays in Prevent defense mode, which of course, prevents them from winning.

I never understood why coaches do that, and I never understood why guys go into the Prevent defense when trying to go out and meet women.
Instead of trusting a new game plan, instead of going into attack mode, instead of going out and meeting women all day long, all guys seem to do (especially on a Friday or Saturday night) is go into Prevent defense mode. They think that just because they’re out on the playing field on a Friday night, that things are magically going to happen for them. That they will stumble across a win, stumble across a beautiful woman.

So what do they do? They wait, they kick back, stand around the room looking at everyone in Prevent defense mode. They wait for the right opportunity. They never go and approach. They’re playing it safe. Sure, they may be preventing themselves from getting rejected, but while they’re doing that, every other guy is swooping in ahead of them and talking to the women that they want to talk to.

The only way to meet the kind of women you want is to come up with a definitive game plan, a game plan that’s going to work, a game plan that’s aggressive and moves you forward. You’ve got to ditch the game plan you’ve had up until now, the game plan where you’re playing it safe.

Here’s the deal, guys. The year is almost over. You’re heading into the home stretch of the year, you’re heading into the final six weeks of the year. Do you have a definitive game plan? Or are you a guy who curls up and goes into Prevent mode? Are you a guy who lets everybody else run around you, advance down the field, walk away with the women that you want and then you’re left at the end of the day, basically being an arm chair quarterback, thinking to yourself, How could I have made this different? How could I have changed the outcome?
There’s no way to change that outcome unless you change the way you think. Unless you go at it aggressively and come up with a game plan that’s going to breathe success. By going out and talking to people openly and passionately all day long, you’re going to start leading people and you’re not going to let people walk all over you when the weekend hits and it comes down to Friday-Saturday night crunch time.

For those of you who are serious about meeting women this holiday time, if you’re sick of being single over the holidays, I’ve come up with a whole game plan for you to check out.
RIGHT NOW is by far the best time of the year to meet women. Why? Women are emotionally drained, emotionally looking to connect, looking to share the holidays with someone. It’s holiday time. They’re in holiday mode, shopping, out having fun and enjoying themselves.

They’re connecting with old friends. They’re available. They’re not going to make up the fake boyfriend. I explain to you why, I talk about all of this and much more in my gameplan on how to meet women for the holidays.

Not only that, they want to end the year with a bang. The question is, are you going to be the one banging them? Or are you going to be the one standing on the sidelines wondering, waiting, hoping, basically standing in the corner of the bar going into Prevent defense mode over and over again?
Click here to check it out. It’s a must if you want to get down with new women this time of the year.

What is the true definition of a stalker?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you find yourself calling people three, four, five times . . . even after they haven’t returned a phone call?

• How about the endless text messaging or emailing to someone even when there’s no responses to any of them?

There are many different ways that someone can be a stalker. There’s the scary Glenn Close type from “Fatal Attraction” who has a penchant for boiling bunny rabbits and jumping out of bathtubs. There’s the creepy ex against whom you have to get a restraining order to stop them from coming over to your house.

Then there is the form of stalker no one talks about. It’s usually the man or woman who doesn’t understand that when a person does not respond after the second phone message, text message or email, that the person is no longer interested.

I’m not very big into rules, but there is one by which I think everyone should abide: If you’ve left a few messages for someone and they haven’t called you back, then (borrowing from an old dating book) he’s (or she’s) just not that into you.

As Miranda on “Sex & The City” once told a group of women sitting on the library steps, if you leave a couple of messages for a man and he doesn’t call you back, he’s just not that into you. The problem is that they should have left it as a “Sex & The City” episode.

That book had one piece of good advice. The rest of it is annoying.

Plain and simple: If you’re a man who leaves a woman a few messages and she doesn’t call you back, you’re done.

If you text her several times and she doesn’t respond, you’re done. Technology didn’t stop working. Her fingers simply stopped responding to you.

If you email someone a few times and they don’t respond, you’re done. The spam filter that wasn’t there before did not just magically appear.

So now let’s get it right. The term is no longer “he (or she) is just not that into you.” The new term is “you’re done!” Finished. Done. End of the game – no two minute warning and no instant replay. You’re done.

Protect your dignity and walk away. You don’t want to be stalking the sidelines at the raving Tom Coughlin, nor do you want to look as confused on those sidelines as Wayne Fontes used to look when he coached the Detroit Lions.

You’re Done! Anything past a few messages, and you ARE a stalker. There are plenty of people to date. Don’t ever get caught harassing someone who does not want to date you.

Now repeat after me: If someone doesn’t call me back after several tries, I’m done. I’m as well done as a Jimmy Dean sausage from a Cracker Barrel roadside restaurant deep off I-95 in North Carolina.

I’d love to hear all of you share one of your stalker stories, whether you were the stalker or the one who was stalked.

Remember, it’s not necessarily negative if you’ve called someone once too often. We’ve all done it in our lives. So, share with us your favorite stalker or stalkee story.

I am getting really tired of all the negative thinking and venting that is going on here.

You think you have it rough?

Do you really think your that un-dateable and ugly?

Do you think your life is so hard that no one will love you or want to be with you?

Do you really think that nothing is ever going to change?

Well here is a reality check.

Watch this video and let me know how you feel now.

Its time the pity party comes to an end.

Now you’re about to make one of the biggest decisions of your life. You’re in love with a fantastic woman. You think she’s the one.

You want her to move in, but you’ve heard stories from so many other people about how everything changes once you move in with someone. The truth is that this is one of the most fascinating times of your life.

I remember when I first lived with somebody. I was 23 or 24 years old, and it didn’t last longer than two weeks. At that time, I really wanted to just move in with someone. I wanted to be an adult. I wanted to say that I lived with my girlfriend.

It was no longer enough for me just to have the relationship or to have sleepovers. I wanted to live with my girlfriend. I wanted to experience that. Unfortunately it didn’t work out.

Since then, I have lived with quite a number of women. I can tell you that living with someone makes the relationship take on a whole different dynamic.

You’re no longer playing sleepover games, or having those great 11:00pm phone conversations that end with you going over there late at night for incredible sex. You’re now part of their life every single day. Every day.

You wake up next to them, you have dinner with them, you share the refrigerator with them, you go to sleep with them, you learn their habits, and you learn what TV shows they like to watch. It’s not like spending the weekend together or spending the night at someone’s house three nights a week.

You are with them all the time. Their friends are in your house. Their phone calls are in your house. Their television shows are in your house.

You no longer can have that great signed football picture of you and Peyton Manning that was taken during the Indianapolis Colts’ training camp as the centerpiece of your living room decor. You are now going to become a highly domesticated man.

When you are living with someone, rules change. Sex will change. It’s not going to be as exciting as it once was.

It’s very hard to recapture those first six months of a relationship (when you’re not living together) once you are living together. You’re going to have to learn to make efforts with each other, and to be more aware of each other’s feelings, emotions, needs and desires.

You need to know when the other needs space or needs alone time. You have to understand each other’s moods.

You also have to “report in” when you live together. If you’re not going to be home until late one night, you’ve got to tell that person. You are not longer living alone, and you have to realize that you now have someone who will worry about you so you have to keep them posted.

You are now in adulthood. You are now living and breathing and wanting to be with that person every single day. You are in that adult relationship, and this is one of the biggest parts of being an adult.

This whole dynamic of what you thought relationships were is going to change right before your eyes. You’re going to have to become a person who not only thinks of themselves, but who thinks about somebody else (and sometimes thinks of someone else before you think of yourself).

There will be a lot of change from when you were living separately. You’re going to have women come over to your house for “girls nights.” You’re going to come home and have to listen to a bunch of women talking about things you have no desire to hear.

So what you need to do is to develop your own personal “man cave.” This is something I have determined is absolutely necessary if you are going to move in with a woman. Make sure your house is big enough so that you can have a man cave to go to when you need to just be yourself (and need to be by yourself).

You need to have a place you can watch football, read ESPN on the Internet, and talk to your friends on the phone. You need to have a place you can decorate any way you want. You need to have personal space in order to make a relationship work.

Moving in together is a big step. Moving in together is exciting. Moving in together is a part of your future. What you need to realize, though, is that moving in also means that you need to know how to coexist .

You need to understand that this woman you know now is going to change in a lot of different ways. When you are comfortable with each other, you change.

You need to realize that romance is not going to be something you not only have to think about, but you might even have to (gasp!) have to take a day or two a week and plan it. When you live together, you tend to take people for granted. So remember all the amazing things that you had together when you were courting each other — remember all the great sex and the spontaneity.

If you can remember all that — and keep that when you’re living with them — then the relationship has a great chance of success. Give each other space, make sure there is enough romance, and make sure that you continue to develop the friendship. When you do fight, make sure you have a space to which you can go back. Welcome to a real, good, fun and challenging time of your life.