So you meet this incredible person on the Internet. You go on a couple of dates.
Everything is great.
You think they’re a certain age because they listed it that way in their profile. Then, all of a sudden, you’re about to get close and intimate and they drop the age bomb on you. They say something like, “You know, I’m not really 39. I’m really 47.”
How do you feel about that? How do you feel when someone does that to you?
How do I feel when someone tells me they’ve been lying about their age on the Internet? I tell them to immediately stop lying about their age.
What that says to someone is that you might be lying about other things – and that you’re willing to lie in general. Nobody wants to start a relationship on a lie.
Relationships are tough enough, but starting one off on a lie just makes it that much tougher. It’s going to bring back emotional trigger points of all the bad relationships and all the lies that someone told them in the past. Then you’re going to have to start talking your way out of this, and convincing them that this so-called lie was a one-shot deal.
You’re 47. You’re not 39. If you desire to date people that much younger than you are then you need to go about it by showing people how young you are in person and attract them that way.
When it comes down to the Internet, you need to really be honest about your age. Actually even if you meet someone in a bar (or in any other place), you need to tell the truth about your age too. Once again, if you look amazing for your age then you will attract those younger people you want by your appearance and your demeanor.
Lying about your age basically will give you an uphill battle with any person you start dating. So be proud of how old you are, and realize that whatever age you are is exactly where you need to be.
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One time, I went to a seminar where all the guy leading the seminar wanted the audience to do was to say “Yes!” over and over again. No matter what the seminar leader said, he expected the audience to respond to with just one word: Yes!
You don’t ever want to be a “yes man” (or a “yes woman”). Why are you saying yes? Why are people “yes men” or “yes women?”
The reason is that they are insecure. They actually feel like nobody wants them, so when they find someone with whom to have a relationship, they agree with everything.
They’re so afraid to rock the boat. They’re so afraid that if they don’t say yes to everything that they’re going to lose this person and never have a chance at another relationship again.
Unfortunately they are unaware of one thing. The truth is that nobody wants to be with a “yes man” (or a “yes woman”).
It drives me crazy to be around these kind of people. I have friends who are “yes men,” and have been stuck in conversations like this:
DW: “Do you want Thai food?”
YesMan: “Yes.”
DW: “How about Mexican food?”
YesMan: “Sure.”
DW: What do you want to eat?
YesMan: “I want whatever you want.”
I really can’t stand it.
Stand up for yourself, have an opinion on things and don’t be afraid to communicate. People will respect you more.
I never respect “yes people.” If someone yes’s me to death, I don’t respect them because they don’t feel like my equal.
Everyone is each other’s equal. So if you feel like you’ve been a “yes man” or a “yes woman” in relationships, then it’s time for you to start saying the magic word: No!
These are two letters you need to learn — “n” and “o.” Use them. Be one with “no.”
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There is a word of which a lot of people are afraid: Honesty. Being honest, to me, is one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.
I always tell people that whenever you lie, you have to remember that lie. A lie has so many levels to it, and you have to remember them all when you say a lie — where you were, to whom you said that lie, the name of the person you were supposedly with or to whom you were talking. You have to create a whole story.
When you lie, you usually leave all sorts of loopholes. You always forget at least one detail. If people are really paying attention, they can easily catch you in a lie.
Being honest is one of the hardest things for people to do, especially when it comes to being honest with ourselves. There are times, particularly when you’re dating, that you need to be 100% honest both with yourself and with the person you’re dating in situations where it is not easy to be that honest.
Say you’re dating someone who wants three kids and you don’t want to have any kids. Because you are so intoxicated by her beauty, instead of being 100% honest about that you say, “You know, I think I could have kids. I really do think I might want kids.”
You have to be 100% honest at all times with yourself, because otherwise it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. Being honest is very liberating because the more honest you are, the more honest people are going to be with you. When you have this kind of mutual honesty between you, you don’t get into nearly as many arguments.
Say your partner tells you that he wants to move out to the country, and even though you love living in the city you say that you would be happy to move to the country. When you inevitably stall about making the move, it will end up in an argument between you.
Your partner will say, “You told me you wanted to move to the country, and here we are still living in the city.” If you are (and were) being honest with yourself, you knew all along that you didn’t want to move to the country.
The only reason you said you did is that you fell in love with your partner. Instead of being honest with them and allowing them to have their dream, you lied.
Being 100% honest is really tough sometimes, because when you meet someone you think is so amazing and fantastic you really want to want the same things they do. So we will tell a little white lie, and we lie to ourselves in the process.
Then that white lie ends up putting us in a situation where we have to confront that dishonesty with ourselves. That’s where you get into a mess. It’s really important in life to be really clear about what we want.
How many kids do you truly want? There is a big difference between having one kid and having three (and an even bigger difference between having any number of kids and having no kids).
Where do you want to live? Do you want to live in the country or do you want to live in the city?
How often do you like to have sex? Sex is something you have to be this honest about too.
How many people who like to have sex four times a week get involved with someone who only likes to have sex once a week, and tell themselves they are okay with only having sex once a week. They tell themselves that it doesn’t matter.
The truth is that it does matter. I’ve been in a relationship with a person who liked to have sex a lot less than I do, and it was not okay (and mattered a lot!).
We make all sorts of compromises like this when we go into a relationship because we think to ourselves that all our our needs and desires are never going to be met in any relationship. After all, there is no ‘perfect’ partner, right?
The truth is, though, that if you listed all your needs and wants and desires, it is not that many things. You need to be on the same page with your partner in so many different ways. If you’re not, then you will find yourself in situations where you have to accept things you never wanted.
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Life is like call waiting. Call waiting is so annoying.
I seems like it has gotten even more annoying. I think it used to be just two beeps, and that was it. Now it seems to go on beeping forever. Well at least if you have an iPhone or a BlackBerry you can hit ‘ignore’ and not hear the beeping go off.
Life, though, is a lot like call waiting. There is always an option.
Here you are starting to talk to some woman (or man) in a store or at a bar, and there is one person after another coming in and out of left field interrupting. Those people and their interruptions are what I call “human call waiting.” We’ll shorten that to “HCW” for the rest of the blog.
Those people and their interruption are HCW because the person you’re talking to will always feel the need to talk to the HCW whenever they interrupt. The HCW brings their energy in the middle of a great conversation you were having.
So what do you do when a HCW comes over when you are having a conversation? Well it depends whether you are the person that the HCW is coming over to see.
If you are the person that the HCW is coming to see, then you need to tell the HCW “Listen, I’ll talk to you in a few minutes. I’m just in the middle of this great conversation with Mary right now. I really want to talk to you, but I want to finish my conversation with Mary first and give her my undivided attention.”
You need to ignore when other people come crashing into your conversation. You need to do it the way I’ve described, because that shows respect to the person with whom you were having the original conversation.
Think about it. Here is someone who is enjoying a conversation with you and is interested in you (or becoming interested in you). You don’t want to get distracted by HCW. HCW is a distraction you need to ignore.
It is no different than if you are on the phone having a great conversation with someone. HCW is a distraction you need to ignore. Ignore it and continue to give that person on the phone your undivided attention.
It shows interest. It shows attraction. It also shows manners.
You have manners. It’s really important to always give someone your undivided attention.
Life is full of all kinds of HCW. There is always some kind of HCW out there trying to distract you. If you allow HCW to distract you, you are going to miss a lot of great moments in life.
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So you’re dating someone new and they ask you this: “So tell me, how many relationships have you had?” At that point, you’re thinking “Here it comes…” It is almost like the ominous background music from a movie.
You know once someone asks you that question, that they are inevitably going to next ask you what went wrong in those relationships and why you are no longer with those people. When you’re first dating, people love to try and get a bigger picture of you.
They want to form an opinion of you. They like you, but they’re not totally sure about you, so they want to get some more information. They was to get the facts, so they ask you about your past relationships.
One word of advice to everybody who has to answer that question. You can talk about your past relationships all you want, but you had better talk about them in a positive light.
Never say that someone cheated on you. Never play the role of the victim. Always say something like, “I’ve had a few long-term relationships. They’ve all been wonderful. I’ve learned things about myself, and I have to tell you that I really respect the people I’ve dated.”
When you take the high road like that, the detective on the other side of the dinner table isn’t going to pick up anything negative about you. If it looks like you haven’t yet processed your past relationships, they will think you aren’t ready for another relationship.
So the next time someone asks you to tell them about your past relationships, you had better be ready to be 100% positive when you answer the question. If you are, then that person will think that you are someone with whom they could potentially have a relationship. They won’t be worried that if they date you and later breakup, that you will go around trashing them to others.
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I’m a firm believer that whoever asks someone out on a date, should pay for that date. If you’re a woman and you ask a guy out on a date, then you pay for that date.
It’s 2010. Pay for the date. You asked him out. He didn’t ask you out, so he doesn’t need to pay.
Now I’m sure that there are women reading this right now thinking, “Wait a second. Men are always supposed to pay for the first date.” Yes they are — if they do the asking.
If you’re a man and you ask a woman out — you tell her where to meet you or you tell her where you’re going — then you better for the date. You better pay for the full date.
That does not mean that you pay for dinner and have her leave the tip. That does not mean that you buy the drinks and she pays for dinner.
When you ask someone out, then you had better be prepared to pay for that date. If you can’t afford where you’re taking them, find another place.
Always date within your budget. That’s so important. So many people try to impress someone with a date they cannot afford.
Then when it comes down to the end of the date, the woman is getting her car from the valet and you leave her to pay for it. This guys, is also part of what you should be paying for if you are paying for the date. If you don’t, she will think that you’re cheap for not paying for the whole date.
The bottom line is that when you ask someone out, you are responsible for paying for that date, including all the activities that go on that evening. It’s that simple. It really is.
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