So you are out on a date with somebody, it goes fairly well. Pretty soon, you’re waiting for them to call you back and you become obsessed about that person. You call up all your friends to try to figure out what you did right, what may have gone wrong, when they might call you, or why didn’t they haven’t called you yet.

“How come they didn’t call! What did I do wrong?”

And then all of sudden it’s six weeks later, you’ve been talking about this person constantly, and you haven’t dated anybody else since that date. You basically just wasted six weeks of your dating life.

Here is the deal: if you go out on a date and your date never calls you back afterwards––it’s over. Once it’s over, there’s no reason to think about it ever again. That person was not your dream person, that person was not your soul mate, that person was not the person you really wanted them to be since you went out on that date.

What you need to do is realize that all of that time that you’re wasting being obsessed about somebody you once dated and who doesn’t feel the same way about you is really just time wasted not going out and meeting anybody else. It’s time wasted not living your life the way you want to; time wasted on somebody that doesn’t give a damn about you; time wasted on a person who won’t even give you the time to call you back.

That’s the reality of it. This person who you’re obsessing over did not care enough about you to call you back. So now what do you do with that? You stop thinking about that person, you stop obsessing over that person, and you start realizing that there are so many more people out there. The world is abundant. There is an inventory of amazing single people to date everywhere you look.

I’m tired of the complaining, I’m tired of the obsessions.

Now is the time for you to get real with yourself, and stop the complaining, the whining, and start reengaging with the people around you.

Look at your life right now. Look at the people you’ve dated that didn’t work out. Look at how many hours and how many days you’ve obsessed about those people and think to yourself, “Why did I do it? Why did I drive everybody crazy talking about it?”

Stop.

. . .

It’s 2012. You’re all growns up now. Let the past be the past. Look around you and be grateful for all the attractive people you’re going to be dating soon.

Now get out there and engage life. Stop obsessing and get into your best relationship yet.

You deserve it.

PS. Whatever you do, don’t be this guy.

If you search the Internet you’ll always find an answer. There will always be somebody that will tell you that you can get your ex back, or they’ll tell you that you weren’t energetically aligned, or that your astrological signs didn’t match, or whatever. We’re always trying to find out why something didn’t work out. We need to find out.

Well here’s the deal: instead of looking at why it didn’t work out, ask yourself what you really need to experience that you were afraid of. Let’s go even deeper into this. What do you need to experience based on the experiences that you had with this person? Why do you keep attracting the same type of person in your life, and why are you so afraid to experience what you really desire? Why are you so afraid of become raw, open and vulnerable?

It’s really time to get Naked. I was told—by some great philosopher no doubt—that the question “why?” is one of the worst questions you can ask. “Why?” can almost never be answered alone, in your head—especially if it involves someone else. “How?” is a much better question. It’s more empowering. Instead of “why did they do that to me?” you could ask “how can I grow from this experience?”

We always try to figure out why something didn’t work out. But in reality, there’s a great message as to why it didn’t work out that can’t be rationalized by numerology or anything else. It’s a message that presents itself over and over again with a lot of our lovers and a lot of our relationships.

And until we figure out what that message is, we never move forward and experience what we really need to experience.  And that is where you need to look within.  Because looking deep within is going to enable you to really process it, in a way that you’ll grow instead of just saying it didn’t work out, because you weren’t “energetically aligned”.

We went to this really cool place in downtown LA. It was this hip, trendy little restaurant. I don’t remember the name of it but I really enjoyed it. Great food, small plates.

The waiter was gay, and he really could care less about us because we were three dudes sitting there, all good-looking guys, and we gave him no vibes whatsoever. And he started acting like a typical guy would act if he’s not get any feedback from a woman.

When the meal was over, instead of being friendly and coming over to chat with us, he dropped the check, turned around and quickly ran away from us. And then when he brought the check back for us to sign he quickly dropped it and ran away from us again.

He’s no different than a dude that goes up to a group of women that are not attracted to him. When he gets no love whatsoever, he immediately becomes snooty and snotty instead of just being friendly.

Let me tell you something: if you’re not getting the reaction you want from somebody—take control. You’re the one that needs to be the leader. You’re the one that needs to decide what dynamic you want in your life, not the other people sitting there. You don’t want to give your power away.

The waiter basically gave his power away to us the second we were not chatty with him, when he could’ve been chatty with us. He could’ve been more fun. He could’ve really enjoyed himself a little bit more.

And it’s funny, our waiter also reminds me of a woman who’s not getting enough attention. It’s like when guys hit on a group of women at a bar and one of the women is not getting enough attention and she just wants to ruin the night for everybody.

She doesn’t want to to deal with any of the people there whatsoever because she’s not getting enough attention. She doesn’t care if her friend hasn’t had sex in six months. She doesn’t care if her friend is having a great, engaging conversation with an attractive dude.

She could care less because she’s not getting enough attention and her energy changes right away. Her energy totally becomes this heavy, frustrating energy and what happens? She becomes the energy ruiner.

Here’s the deal: you’re the leader. You decide how your night’s going to be. Either you’re going to be somebody who’s friendly, engaging and true to yourself, or you’re going to be like our little gay waiter and that woman being ignored. It’s funny how life is sometimes. Your choice. 

I was about 33 when I got divorced. After my divorce, I remember my buddy Rich and I went out to a bar. I was standing in that bar drinking a Margarita, and all of a sudden I realized I was “him.” I was that older guy in a bar full of 20-somethings, nursing a drink and looking at women. At that moment I realized that those days were over for me.

Do you want to be ‘that guy?’ I never wanted to be that guy standing in a bar. There wasn’t any joy anymore being in a bar. I wanted to meet real women.

I didn’t want to get involved in idle chit-chat about nothing, meet somebody when they were drunk, call them the next day and have to remind them of the conversation we had. I was past that point in my life. I wanted to meet someone real.

So let’s talk about what to do after you get divorced. The first thing you need to do is make sure you clear your mind. Don’t go out and start trying to meet women just because your wife has left you (or because you left your wife).

Spend some time with yourself. Get to know yourself again.

Start to think about what YOU really want. What are you looking for in life? With what type of woman do you want to spend your time? What did you learn from your last relationship?

Think about how you feel right now. Are you happy? Are you sad?

Spend time by yourself. Take some time to hang out with friends and get to know them again. Spend some time doing “guy things.” Enjoy yourself and don’t even think about women.

Once you’ve done this, then the next step is to actually go out there and start meeting women doing things that you enjoy. You don’t want to be that guy standing in the corner of a bar or nightclub wondering if you’re going to meet women.

Instead, think about what you like to do. Make a list of five things that you really enjoy doing — five things that are really important to you and five places you’d like to really be seen.

I remember doing this exact exercise when I was 35 years old. I found that I really enjoyed meeting women when I was “out and about.”

I enjoyed meeting women in supermarkets because I always had something to talk about with them (since food is a passion of mine). I enjoyed meeting women at coffee shops because I enjoy drinking a cup of tea. I really enjoyed meeting women when I was working out. I enjoyed meeting women when I was at the movies if I was able to talk to them before the movie or after the movie.

I wanted to meet women who shared the same interests as me. I wanted to meet a woman who was really like me — someone who likes to travel, eat great food and stay healthy.

That’s important. You want to really start figuring out who you are and what you’re all about. That way, when you are out meeting people you won’t make the same mistakes.

In all my years of coaching men in dating and relationships, I’ve found that men who jump back into the dating world too soon after a breakup or a divorce tend to find the same woman over and over again (and tend to marry the same woman again). They do it because that same woman is what they are used to.

So learn from your experience and from your last relationship. Embrace all the lessons from that relationship so that you can go out and find what you really want. You deserve it. Whether your last relationship ended because she left you or you left her, you deserve to be able to get back out there and find what you want.

This Friday’s blog was going to be another tip from me on navigating the bar scene. I was going to talk about cockblocking, but I’ve been reading some of the recent comments on the blog, and instead I want to write today’s blog in response to some of the comments. We’ll talk about cockblocks next week.

So you’re on the blog reading all this great advice about how to meet women, how to date, and how to get yourself into a relationship. Problem is, when you go out there in real life, you can’t put any of the information we give you to use because you’re not actually meeting anyone. There’s no women around when you go out. Or you can’t approach. Or you do approach but you keep getting No-Thank-Yous.

Why is this happening to you? Maybe you think you’re ugly. Maybe you’re short. Maybe you drive a shitty, beat-up car. So you tell yourself that women are turned off by all of this. They’re so turned off by you. What women are really attracted to is a guy with a full head of hair, 6’2”, and a vacation house in Miami.

Do you have what it takes to get the woman you desire?

And you just can’t compete with a guy like that. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, and all the dating advice in the world isn’t going to change the fact that you’re just not attractive to women.

So you come on the blog and you say, “Screw you David, screw you Shogo, screw Intern Dan, whoever, you give us all this esoteric mindset advice on how to be confident, but all the confidence in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I’m short, fat, bald, and broke, and the cold hard truth is that women are turned off by that.”

You want to attract a lot of women? You want to be a lady’s man? If that’s what you want, here’s the news:

Looks matter. Height matters. Money in the bank matters.

That’s right, all these things–and much much more–do in fact make a difference when it comes down to attracting women. But there’s only so much you can do about any of that. You can’t change it, so why on earth spend another minute dwelling on it?

(And more importantly, all the looks and money in the world will only get you so far in your success with women, but that’s another blog for another day.)

What you need to do is take action and do something about the things that you can actually improve on. And more importantly, you need to let go of the things you can never change about yourself.

You really need to let it go.

You hate your height and you’re bitching about?

Fine. You’re short. I get it.

What do you want from people? Unless you’re willing to go to China to have metal rods implanted into your shins, there is nothing anybody in the world can do about that. There is absolutely no use in you dwelling on the things you don’t like about yourself and beating yourself up over the fact that some woman out there who you don’t even know isn’t going to date you for it.

Is it true that if you’re 5’6”, you will never have a girlfriend who only dates men over 5’10″?

Yes, if that is an absolute requirement for her, that is true. You will never date a woman like that.

Is it true that I, Shogo, will never date a woman who will not go out with an Asian man?

Yes, that is also true. I am Asian. I will never be able to date a woman like that, not for the rest of my life.

The difference with me is that you will never see me sitting around, bitching and moaning about it. I don’t dwell on that for a single moment. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t want me. It doesn’t upset me in the least.

And simply having that mindset automatically makes me more attractive to more women.

Here’s an exercise I want everybody to do:

Get out three sheets of paper. On one sheet, write down all the things about yourself that you don’t like. Take your time with it. And be specific. Don’t just write, “I’m ugly.” Write, “I don’t like the acne scars on my cheekbones.” Write things like, “I don’t like the extra flab on my belly.” “I am 4 inches shorter than I’d like to be.” “My penis is 2 inches shorter than I’d like it to be.” “I don’t like the fact that I have few friends.” “I don’t like my disheveled haircut and dandruff.” “I don’t like my glasses and my dorky wardrobe.”

Write all of that stuff out. Make the list as long as you want and take your time doing it.

Now review that list. Read through each item. On the second sheet, I want you to rewrite each thing that, with some work, you could actually take steps to change about yourself. On the third sheet, rewrite each thing that is a permanent part of you and that YOU CANNOT EVER CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Review that third sheet. Look at it and internalize it. This is who you are. This is who you are for the rest of your life and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT.

You need to embrace it. You need to love every single thing you wrote about yourself on that third sheet. This is who you are.  These are the things that will never change about you, so fuck anyone who is unwilling to accept you for that. But the first step starts with you accepting yourself and accepting all of your little ugly bits.

You are who you are, guys. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Change the things about yourself that you can change, and embrace the things about yourself that you cannot change.

No, not somebody who orders eggs and hash browns at the diner, takes them home, and then rehashes them the next morning.

The other rehashing.

Are you somebody who will go out on a date-maybe a few dates-and then if it suddenly fizzles out with him or her, you’ll go and drive your friends crazy for the next two weeks reliving and replaying every single moment of those dates. You want to rehash every moment: “If I just said this…” “If I just did that…” “If he just reacted to me this way…” “It was over all because I didn’t react that way, that’s the reason why we’re not going out again!”

Dating And Complaining

All that rehashing is ridiculous. It’s not the one thing you did or didn’t do that killed it. It’s a combination of things. It’s energy. It’s chemistry. There’s so much more involved than just one stupid little thing you could’ve done better. Usually nothing you could have done would have saved the situation anyway.

So if you’re driving your friends crazy rehashing your last failed date or relationship 24/7 over something that you think might have gone wrong—you’re 100% wrong in that. Because what really went wrong is that you didn’t have the chemistry with that person. Maybe life at that moment was throwing you a curve ball. Maybe your date had things going on in his or her life. Maybe you had things going on in yours.

It’s never, ever just one thing. It’s not one thing that you said on that date that turned the whole thing around and killed the date momentum. It’s not one thing that made your date not want you or desire you or want to be with you. So stop rehashing the past, and start smoking all the hash that you want.

My client was telling me, he goes, “I really want to meet new women.” He just wants to get to know them, maybe ask them out on a date. So far so good, right? I said, “Great. To get to know a new person, make an observation to her based on what you notice, listen to what she says…”

You know, all the things that I teach all the time.

Here’s where his negative excuse thinking comes in: He can’t, he says. He thinks that something bad will happen if he tries. He goes back into the past and–remember when we were talking about the past? If you’re going to live in the past, you’re always going to get what? That’s right, the past.

He said, “See, this one time I was at the mall with my friend—”

I had to stop him. One time! That’s the key word here: One time. He’s allowing this one experience to basically dictate what happens in his future. He’s allowing it to prevent him from all the things he could possibly be doing in the future. How many times have I told you guys, to be successful in life, you need to do things over and over and over again. You need to get rejected. You need to get blown off. Can you image if the world operated on some “one time principle”? You know what that principle is called? It’s called failure. Because if everybody in the world, if everybody operated on this one time principal, not one person would be successful. Nobody would make a dollar. No progress would be made in the world.

So my client, he’s at the mall with his friend, and his friend tried saying hello to a girl: “She yelled at my friend really loudly to get the hell away from her! How do I cope with that so I can talk to girls if this happens to me?” Basically, by the time my client gets the courage to go talk to someone, he’s already shot himself in the foot. He’s already thinking about that one time and he’s already thinking to himself, “She’s going to scream at me,” or “She’s going to tell the police.”

REALLY? Because in my 30 years of approaching and talking to women, I’ve never once had anybody threaten to call the police on me. Now granted, maybe your friend walked over and had zero confidence, was really staring at her like a creepy stalker boy for a long time before he decided what he was going to do. Most likely, by the time he finally walked over with a weird energy about him, she was totally creeped out. She basically wanted him to get the hell away. That’s what a lot of guys will do. Even though they’re well-meaning, they’ll stare at a woman endlessly before they do anything about it.
Honestly, if you’re having this issue, what you need to do is really work on yourself and your mindset. You need to invest some time in yourself. I’m coaching my client to get working on this issue of his, but the fact is that a lot of guys will send me these type of e-mails because they want that miracle answer. They want the ONE ANSWER that is going to change their entire lives! It doesn’t work that way. I can’t change the way you think in a one-paragraph email and nobody can. I don’t sell you crap that you can memorize and then regurgitate in a situation and to a person I know absolutely nothing about. I will work with you, I will give you some amazing insights, and I will help pave the way, but you’ve got to make a steady commitment. Commit to yourself, buy some of my products, get some personalized coaching, keep up with the blog, dig deeper, and go out there and work every single day to become good at this.

That’s what I would tell you in an e-mail.

You have to stop looking for that magic pill. I feel—and I’ve felt—my client’s pain. I really have, and that’s why I’m so good at coaching. But you really have got to stop looking for that magic pill and start doing the work. I could tell you right now: observe, see what she’s doing, react to what she’s doing with a smile, have power in your voice, etc. But it’s not going to mean anything if you don’t go out there—all of you—and make some type of commitment to this. It’s what it takes to live without that fear that some of you have, every day.

If you’re serious about meeting women and you’re seriously frustrated, send me an e-mail and we’ll set up some type of coaching. We’ll recommend the product you need. For those of you who need it but are worried about cost, we can work within your budget. Stop living so much in your head and get this part of your life taken care of. Otherwise, I am going to call the police and bring you into my prison. I’m going to be the warden of that jail, and you’re not going to like what you see, because it will be the most intense locked-down boot camp you’ve ever gone through. Because I want all of you to have the kind of success that I have.

The way I do it is really easy. I happen to have been born with a zipper on my skull, so all I have to do is peel back my toupee, unzip the back of my head, and crawl out (usually feet first). It’s a really interesting phenomenon to watch me, because I’ll just be there laying on the ground and then all of a sudden I’ll whip my toupee off, unzip my head and crawl right out.

Sometimes I’ll get out shoulders first, then I go heart, then I go stomach, then I go groin, then I go legs. Sometimes if I’m in a really flexible mood, though, I’ll be able to get my legs all the way up to my head.

Okay, obviously I’m kidding about all of this. How do you really get out of your head though?

Dating Head Games

The way I learned how to do it was by writing everything down. I kept a journal, and every day I wrote down like a maniac all my thoughts, fears and insecurities.

When I did that, I found that there was a recurring theme. I would go and try to talk to people. If it didn’t work, I would go and write all my feelings down instead of getting totally inside my head.

I’d write everything down because by getting all my thoughts and fears out of my head, I never remained in my head. I put all that “stuff” somewhere else, and that allowed me to move forward.

The key thing to understand is that when you keep all these thoughts, feelings and insecurities in your head, you tend to over-think things. When you over-think things, there is no way in the world you’re going to be able to react to situations in the right way. There’s no way in the world you are going to be able to meet people.

So the next time you’re in your head, write down what you’re feeling. Get it out. Become self-aware. It’s a great exercise for all of you to do.

Now before you jam my in-box with emails for next week. I want to set the record straight.

If you want your email to be the one that is turned into the podcast, it would make my life easier if you posted on the blog.

That way everyone can see the posting and get involved in the conversation as well.

Here is today’s winning email.

“I have been listening to your podcasts and I wanted to bring up something that has hurt my dating life for years. I was raised by a overprotective mother and I was a chunky little girl as a child with very little fashion sense. I didn’t know how to talk back to people and defend myself and I was subsequently harrassed and bullied for much of my childhood up to high school. Safe to say that this took a huge toll on my self esteem and self image. Much of the problem today stems from the fact that the ones who teased me the most were the handsome jock types. While I find these men very attractive today I have the hardest time making eye contact with them. If I see a attractive man walking towards me it takes a extreme amount of will power and mental proding to look at them and attempt to smile. I know this is a defense mechanism from when I wanted to avoid the bullies attention when I was little but this has stuck with me today and it is extremely hard to stop doing it.

I am almost 27 now and in better physical shape than when I was 16, I figure skate and attend regular exercise classes but I still have a hard time thinking that I am attractive. I can still hear the bullies voices in my head sometimes and it is extremely difficult to overcome. I know I am much older and have a very thick skin because of my childhood but after awhile the behavior of looking away became so ingrained I don’t know if I will really ever get rid of it. I know body language is extremely important when trying to talk to someone you find attractive but aside from tripping and falling on the person I find attractive I am not sure how to break this habit and show that I want to talk to them. I am not sure I can manage to smile at them once let alone 3 times. Is there any advice you could give me to break this lifelong habit?

Erin, Cleveland, Ohio”

Are you ready for my answer?

Just listen in now below:

David Wygant’s “Self Love” For Women

David Wygant’s “Self Love” For Men

Do you believe that there are no good single people left in the world.

Or to be more specific in your world, in your town, on your block.

Today we look into the latest excuse that a reader sent me, on why he can not meet women.

I have heard all the excuses in my 20 years of helping people date and this one is one of the most common excuses found.

Check out what John wrote.

Read his words and his excuses and poor me mindset jump right off the screen.

Now are you ready to hear today’s wake up call!!

Today’s podcast is all about John and his scarcity mentality.

And John, thanks for a great topic for today’s blog and podcast!!!

Click Here To Download Today’s Podcast!