For those of you who have never seen a Cirque du Soleil show, it’s a must on anyone’s list. We saw Kooza the other night, and it was outstanding.
There’s one part of the show called “The Wheel Of Death,” in which two guys get into these two rotating gerbil wheel contraption and they run and jump around these wheels like it’s a carnival ride. They did all this with no fear.
It’s interesting that people can do things like this — death defying acts — with no fear. To some of you, saying hi to a member of the opposite sex is a death defying act.
Google Cirque du Soleil or do a search for it on YouTube, and watch some of the things they do and some of the ways they contort their bodies. Then I want you to think about all your fears about communicating with the opposite sex because, really, would you rather say hello to someone you’re attracted to or get caught in The Wheel Of Death?
For those of you who need some motivation today, here is The Wheel Of Death:
What I really want to talk about today, though, is all of the mumblers out there. Recently someone sent me a voicemail message. I had to listen to it four times just to figure out on what phone number to call them back, because the person who left the message was mumbling so badly.
If you’re going to leave a voicemail message, be concise, leave your number twice and speak clearly. Keep the message short. Don’t tell people how you won’t be available from 12:00 to 1:00 because you are going grocery shopping, or how you are taking a shower at 3:00 that afternoon.
For business, keep it short but friendly. Say something like, “Hi, it’s David, calling to talk to you about the work we discussed on Wednesday. Have a great day, and I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.”
For personal, you can leave a message that is something like this: “Hi, it’s Joe. It was so great speaking with you the other day about Italian roast coffee. You know, I Googled that coffee that you liked, and I learned something really interesting about it. Call me and I’ll you something about it.”
It’s always good to bring someone back to the moment when you met them. Also, by doing this you show them you were listening and interested in what they were saying, which will intrigue them even more.
I tell guys all the time that when they meet a woman, they should learn at least three things about her and remember them. That way when you contact her later, you can bring her back to the moment you met.
This technique is important in business too. Let’s say you have been shopping for a new car. When you go to contact a salesperson with whom you spoke at the dealership, you can say “It was great talking to you about the new Audi A4 the other day.” It makes your communication instantly go more smoothly.
So many of you are voicemail mumblers. It’s time to stop being a voicemail mumbler, and to stop putting a strain on people’s eardrums!
For those of you who missed getting my football picks this week, I needed to take a break to attend to my fantasy teams. I am, however, going to give you my pick for tonight’s game.
For tonight, I like the Ravens over the Browns. Boy, that’s a tough one to pick. The Browns are about the worst team in football, and I think a team of teenage girls could probably beat them.
What is it about airplanes? Why are they so annoying now?
You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).
So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.
Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.
Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.
It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.
Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.
Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.
Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.
The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.
The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.
When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”
So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?
We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.
I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.
My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”
You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.
They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.
Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.
I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.
There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.
Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.
On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .
This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.
Put your penis back in your pants, start talking to your wife and stop communicating with the American public about all of this. The American public does not need to care about why you cheated or hear your public apology, because they’re going to judge you anyway. We live in a very judgmental society.
So, David Letterman, I enjoy your comedy but I couldn’t care less about where you stick your penis. The fact is that you and your wife have a lot to work on with your marriage and your relationship.
It’s time you and your wife took this behind the scenes. Then you should admit why you repeatedly cheated on her for the past 23 years with cubical production assistants.
Your Friend,
David Wygant
For the rest of you, why do you even care about David Letterman and where he puts his pecker? I don’t really care about David Letterman’s pecker.
I don’t even want to see it to tell you the truth, because it reminds me of something that I saw in my youth that scared the hell out of me. I was in my country club’s bathroom one time and I saw a 65 year-old guy with gray hair all over him — on his chest and on his balls that went down to his knees. I don’t really want to ever see old man penis again. At least I’ve been doing male Kegel exercises so I don’t have that problem.
So let’s talk about what’s really going on here and what cheating is to you. I truly believe that people cheat for a reason — whether it’s something emotional, lack of sex or just for the thrill of it.
Before I go deeper into how I feel about cheaters and what I think cheating is really all about, I’m going to tell you something important. If you are someone who has been cheated on over and over throughout your life, you need to look in the mirror because it has happened because of something you’re doing.
You need to listen to today’s podcast to find out exactly what that is, and what else I have to say on this topic of cheating. You’re going to be shocked at what I go over in this podcast.
It is absolutely going to blow you away, and what I tell you about cheaters is going to rock your world. What I tell you about David Letterman will make you think twice about your late night TV choices!
Before we get to today’s blog (which, by the way, is going to be hilarious) about everybody Facebook fighting, I have to ask. Do you remember that song?
Everybody Is Kung Fu Fighting.
Those cats were fast as lightning…
So, now you guys realize that not only do I give masterful dating advice, but I’m 3-0 on my football picks so far. I told you the Saints were going to beat the Lions. I told you the Jets were going to beat the Patriots. I also told you the Colts would squeak by the Dolphins last night.
Not only am I going to find you your next relationship and get you laid on your next date, but I’m actually going to put money into your pockets. I’m 3-0 already, so check back on Friday for my next pick…
Let’s talk today about Facebook fighting. How many of you are on Facebook?
For those of you who are, be sure to add me as a friend. I love seeing what my readers are up to in their life.
Today we’re going to talk about another phenomenon: Facebook fighting. Sing along to that tune with these words:
Everybody was Facebook fighting.
Those words are fast as lightening
Whenever you add a new friend of the opposite sex
You’re going to start brawling…
A friend of mine emailed me yesterday to say he and his girlfriend were fighting. Apparently his girlfriend saw that he added a friend on Facebook who was female, she wondered ‘who is this woman,’ and it caused a big fight. His girlfriend thought it was some girl he had the hots for that he added as a friend.
C’mon! Look at almost anyone’s Facebook friends. There is usually about 500 of them, and people usually only actually communicate with about one percent of those people.
I have thousands of friends on Facebook, but I couldn’t tell you about even one hundred of them. I know that Jim Almond had trouble chewing some nuts yesterday and was choking. I know someone else had hemorrhoids and decided to share that with everyone on Facebook.
I know yet another person (who supposedly is my friend) is having trouble with insomnia and wants to know how to get rid of it. I can tell him how to get rid of it. Get off Facebook late at night!
Really, though, so many people are Facebook fighting just like my friend emailed to me about what happened with his girlfriend. I mean, some new girl befriended him and his girlfriend thought he was having an affair.
People are changing their relationship status on a daily basis on Facebook. How many times do you look at someone’s page and see their relationship status listed as “It’s complicated?” Sure, it’s complicated, but do you need to tell the whole world?
Some things are private. Why do you need to announce to the whole world that you’re having problems in your relationship?
I love when people say on Facebook that they’re single again. Now that’s marketing. What a great place to date.
Facebook actually is a great place to date. Do you know why?
People put up their real picture (unlike on match.com), not their fantasy picture of how they looked ten years ago or their “body-less picture” with just their head showing. People actually put up their real photos because they think their friends are the only ones looking at them.
People don’t like a cheesy dating profile like they see so often on match.com. Facebook is also great because people tell you their real age and what they really do for a living. It seems like everyone on match.com is 29 or 39 years old, in great shape and wealthy.
On Facebook you get the truth. It’s a much better place to date because it’s not meant for dating (or is it?). People are Facebook fighting, but they’re also Facebook dating.
So, really, you should not air your dirty laundry on the Internet. No one should fight on the Internet.
I’ve heard of people breaking up on Facebook. Someone will go to their significant other’s page and all of a sudden discover they’ve been de-friended and blocked.
The Internet is wonderful and social networking sites like Facebook are wonderful for reconnecting and finding old friends. They should, however, never be used for airing your dirty laundry.
If you are Facebook fighting — and for those of you who don’t have the tune in your head already — check out this video and fight out why everyone used to be Kung Fu Fighting and are now Facebook fighting.
If you really want to see what Facebook can do to relationships check out this funny video.
Last night I was at the Hollywood Bowl — box seats and a picnic under the stars. Actually in Los Angeles the air is too dirty to see the stars, unless Tom Hanks walks past you on the street or something.
So at the Hollywood Bowl last night looking at the two visible stars in the sky, we got to watch Depeche Mode play a concert. It was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.
Not only was the band great, but crowd moved right along with them. Everyone stood for the entire concert. (more…)
Men are asking women out via texting.
Men are blowing off dates via texting.
Men and women are using texting to booty call each other at night.
Which two of the three are unacceptable . . . and which one is perfectly okay??
Texting somebody on a Friday night to hook up later? Absolutely! It’s easy, fun, exciting, and much better than a phone call if the man or woman you’re trying to booty text can’t hear the phone ring.
The first two, however, are absolutely disgraceful! For some reason when some men and women blow off a date, they hide behind texting instead of actually having a conversation.
The whole idea of texting is to keep in touch with somebody, e.g., have a short conversation in the middle of the day, have a booty call, or share something funny. When you’re in an already established relationship, texting can be used to say where you’re meeting each other for dinner or at whose house you’re going to have a sleepover.
I have talked to many women, and the thing they despise the most is when men asks them out on a first date via text message. They find that behavior wimpy, and it turns them off. If you’re a guy and you’re going to ask a woman out, pick up the phone and have some balls!!
By texting, you’re telling a woman that you don’t expect her to say yes. By texting in these ways, what you’re doing is basically saying “I don’t really care if we go out. I’m just lobbing a text in and hoping you’ll say yes.” This is what women perceive when you text them out on a date.
There’s another issue too . . . it’s called canceling a date via text message. If you are canceling a date for a valid reason with a woman and you desire to see her again, do not text her! Pick up the phone, be a man, speak to her, and set up another date! A woman who has any sense of self-pride will never go out with a guy who cancels via text.
The same rings true for women.. If you’re going to cancel on a man, pick up the phone and set another date.
Stop hiding behind texting!! There are positives and negatives about everything. You just learned one positive and two negatives. The same rules apply for email by the way. That’s all . . . and even if you have that new iPhone and you can text cooler than anyone else, it still doesn’t give you a reason to hide behind texting.
Did you ever see someone to whom you’re attracted, and you just run out of things to say?
They start talking about Lindsay Lohan’s newest bout with diarrhea (or whatever she may be battling at the present moment), and you being neither a medical professional nor an expert in diarrhea, can’t seem to keep the conversation . . . moving along. It’s time to expand your horizons.
Not only are the best flirts the best listeners, but they’re also the most well-versed people in current events. It’s time to expand your horizons and start really learning about a lot of little things.
In order to become a good conversationalist, you need to really be able to talk about things. As cheesy as it might be, US Weekly magazine is a great way to bond with women on line at the grocery store.
For instance, actually being able to talk about and poke fun at Nicole Ritchie’s newest personality disorder is a really funny way to strike up a conversation in random places. Overall just paying attention to pop culture, culture, and politics, will help you get into better conversations with people all the time.
The next time you’re standing there and people are talking about something you know nothing about, take it as a hint that you need to expand your horizons. Instead of getting frustrated that you can’t participate in the conversation, or instead of being an ass and changing the topic to something about which you’re familiar, it’s better just to kick back and realize that you have some research to do.
I get asked all the time if I’ve always been such a good conversationalist. The answer is yes and no. Yes I am a natural conversationalist, but I also still had to really work at this and learn to understand the dynamics of human interaction.
In order to truly become a good conversationalist, you have to become knowledgeable about things that are not obvious. Talking to a woman on line at a grocery store about the hundredth sunny day in a row is the obvious. Poking fun at Paris Hilton’s lesbian adventure with Britney Spears is being creative and different.
So start reading up on everything you can, and you’ll become a better conversationalist in no time. Life is not about developing routines, it’s about developing conversation skills that will last a lifetime.
