Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Have you ever had a conversation with someone in which you are pouring your heart out about something, and the other person makes an assumption about what you are saying based just on the surface stuff? Let me put out a very simple example of what I’m talking about.

Let’s say you and your significant other are discussing whether or not to go to the beach that day. You say that you are apprehensive about going to the beach, and don’t really want to go. The other person’s immediate reaction is, “You don’t want to go to the beach with me.”

Now, I know the beach isn’t the best example, but stay with me here. The other person didn’t hear the part where you said you almost drowned in the ocean as a kid. The other person didn’t hear about how frightened you are of the water.

So even though you’re telling the other person all this information so they will understand your background, and so that maybe you can open up about wanting to try and go in the water again, the other person makes an assumption about what they think you are saying.

A lot of people in life are “assumers.” Assumers always assume the worst because that is the way people have always treated them.  It is the way they have always been treated by everyone in their mind.

They have always been rejected, or they will reject themselves before anyone else can reject them. This is what happened in the beach example above. The other person rejected themselves very quickly, and didn’t stop to really listen to the the real meaning behind the words being said to them.

They have not been able to get really deep with themselves. So many of you do this over and over again when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex.

You don’t approach someone because you either look for a certain “sign” that you don’t get, or you get what you perceive to be a negative sign. You’ll think, “Oops, they looked in the other direction, so that means they don’t want to be approached. They don’t find me attractive and just rejected me.” All that from someone looking in the other direction?

You are always looking for the negative because you are a negative person and negativity is your comfort zone. That is what you are used to, i.e., being rejected or assuming the worst.

I have a friend who is like this. If I don’t immediately call them back or answer an email from them, they assume there is something wrong. They assume they did something wrong.

The truth is that I didn’t answer an email because I was busy. The truth is that I didn’t call them back because I didn’t have my phone on me over the weekend. I’ve told this friend over and over that I don’t carry my phone on the weekends because (1) I’m not a doctor and (2) I find the phone obnoxious during my time away from things. No matter what, though, this person assumes there is something wrong.

They will ask me, “What did I do? What did I do wrong? Are we back in the non-communication mode?” This person reacts because of the way that people have treated them their entire life, and they can’t see past it no matter what I say to them.

They don’t want to see past it. They don’t want to listen to the depth of what I’m telling them, because all they do is hear what they are used to hearing.

They are used to that rejection.  They are used to feeling that way.  

It is really time you listened outside of your comfort zone, and really listen fully to what someone is saying when they talk to you. If you are someone who has trouble really processing this in your life, then I have a great exercise to help you.

When you have a conversation with someone, write down bullet points of everything you hear. Instead of immediately reacting, take time to really review the conversation and change you pattern.

You pattern will never change until you do this. I know because I am a reactor too.  My mother taught me how to react. 

The minute someone says something negative, I used to react and say “Aha! I knew you felt this way. I knew it!” We do this because it makes us vulnerable to change our ways and this pattern.

If someone is constantly saying to you that you are assuming things in what they say that just aren’t true, then it’s time to change the way you do things. It’s time you learn to listen outside your comfort zone.

You need to step up and realize the things that you bring upon yourself. It’s really, really important to do that. When you do, you will live a better and more enlightened life.

You want to live a more enlightened life and really feel someone’s energy, instead of always focusing on the negative things they might say. If you focus in on negative things, it’s because you’re a negative person.

You’re not somebody who really wants to grow. Even though you say you want to grow and even though you say you want to make changes, you have a hard time doing it because you don’t follow what you’re saying.

So, look into your life. Look deeply into your life. If you’re somebody who has really been focusing in on the negative and only hearing what you want to hear, then you are missing the entire conversation. You are missing an amazing npart of what another person is giving you — the gift of themselves and the friendship you could really have — all because of this neurosis.