All of a sudden, the cell phone rings. And of course, like Pavlov did with his dogs, you’re trained to look at it.  You see a picture of your friend and their phone number and their name, all there.  You think to yourself, do I want to pick up or do I not want to pick up? Do I really want to talk to this person?  Are they going to zap me of my energy?  Are they going to keep my mood where it is right now?  Is the conversation going to be one-sided?  Am I even in the mood to talk to this person?

It’s always a mystery what your friend is going to say. Maybe your friend has been going through some major life issues and has been talking about it for the past month. So you know they’re going to talk about something that you don’t want to engage in anymore.

This is where new technology can really help us all. All these phones are linked up with Facebook and Twitter nowadays, so your pictures always show up when someone calls. But it’s always the same picture.

How about if someone came up with some software where the picture that shows up was live.  When you call someone, your camera phone would take a picture of you and display it as an icon. Now your friend can finally see exactly what you look like when you call.  Hell, you could be smiling, you could be angry, but he’ll know it right away.  That way he’ll see the live picture of you as you call and then decide whether he wants to be engaged, just like in real life.

If you see someone coming at you angry, you don’t want to talk to them.  If you see someone coming at you smiling, you naturally want to talk to them.  So if your friend is pissed off and angry and you’re in a great, mellow mood, you won’t pick up the phone.

That’s what I think is going to have to happen.  In order for our phone pick up ratio to increase, we’re going to need to see a live picture.  For dating, my God—it’s endless.

You have no idea if this woman is calling you or why she’s calling you.  You’re hoping at 11:00 when she calls you at night it’s a booty call, but in reality she could be calling just to chat. But with my new recognition software, you’ll see that she’s totally naked, vibrator by her side, thinking whether or not to use it. Or she’s wearing something sexy and she calls you, you know she’s look for action.

I think this is great!  A live picture of people so you know exactly how to respond to your phone, just like in real life. I think we have found the next level in dating, the next level in phone sex. Forget about it.  The next level in communication!

You’ll know whether to flirt or not to flirt. And how about all of you guys that have talked to customer service reps and you think they’re hot on the other end of the phone. You have no idea what they look like, but you think they’re hot, so you start flirting with them and it turns out they’re 80 years old, but they just had a young voice. Ha, but not with my facial recognition software!

You guys probably think I’m crazy. But I can guarantee you this stuff is going to come and it’s going to happen pretty soon.  It’s a great idea, but unfortunately, I just don’t know how to bring it to market.

Anybody want to help?  Anybody out there in Bloglandia want to help me bring this to market?  We will make millions billions together and have a lot of fun exposing people’s true intentions before they call.

A lot of us are still living our parents’ decisions and our parents’ wishes as we formulate our own—myself included. My father’s belief systems have plagued me my entire life.

What I’m about to admit to you is the hardest things I’ve ever written in my entire life.  But last night’s game should have been my fourth Super Bowl triumph.  See, my old man, he was the guy that would always thought it was funny to do the opposite.

So he was living in New York, I think, in the ’50s.  And of course the Giants were a good team in the ’50s; they were an NFL powerhouse before the AFL and the NFL became one league.  They were an NFL powerhouse.  They won a couple of championships.

The Jets were an expansion team.  So my father decided to root for the expansion team because he thought, “yeah, I’ll just go against everybody else” because he loved to argue with people.  That was his whole point.

When I was a little kid I always wore a football jersey and that jersey was the Titans. (Because the Jets used to be the called the Titans back then.)  And I’ve been a Jets fan, as all of you know, my entire life.  Pity me.  The Jets don’t win anything.

But my father was halfway cool.  He had sort of been a Giant fan.

This would have been my fourth Super Bowl win.  Yesterday, I would have been jumping up and down when Eli Manning won the game.  I would have been excited-yet-annoyed that Ahmad Bradshaw didn’t take the knee at the one and kill the clock, instead of giving Brady another chance.

But you know what, congratulations to the Giants.  It shows what good coaching will do and it shows what determination will do.  I don’t even want to begin to tell you about the other curse my dad gave me, the one that’s even worse than the Giants curse: I’m a Mets fan.  I don’t know, eight, nine World Series’ the Yankees have won in my lifetime compared to the Mets’ two measly World Series and mediocre play every single year.

It’s time to get rid of our parents’ programming.  It’s time to start living our own lives.  Go Giants.  Go Yankees.  See, the curse of my dad is now officially over, because as of now I’m a Giants fan.  And next baseball season, I’m all about A-Rod, Mariano Rivera, and Derek Jeter.

Go Yankees.

The Superbowl.

Unfortunately, my J.E.T.S. did not make it this year, but as a fan of the game––I’ll still be watching; rooting against the ________s.

Obi said I should engage with you all while I’m sitting back with the chips and guacamole. So…I’ll do something new and tweetcast all my irreverent thoughts throughout the Superbowl! (I know, I’m so 2012.) Follow me @Davidwygant to get all the latest tweets.

If you’ve never had a coaching session, or been to any of the bootcamps, this may be your chance to get some one-on-one time with me––as much as you can fit in 140 characters! I’ll be tweeting and responding to tweets all day using the hashtag #WygantSB. (Make sure to tag your tweets with #WygantSB if you’re going to join the conversation.)

Football and dating. My two favorite topics.

Let’s tweet, tweeps.

No, it’s not the song “Cleanup” we used to sing as a kid—you know that song?  Well if you don’t know that song I will of course stick a YouTube video in with the clean up song so you can listen to it as you clean up your life.

But seriously, here’s what I want you to do: I want all of you to head to your closet today and look at all of your clothes.  I want you to put them all on, and I want you to only keep the clothes that look the best on you.  If you haven’t worn it in two years, I guarantee you, you’re probably never going to where it again.  Don’t think about how much money you spent on it. Don’t think about how you didn’t wear it enough. Don’t think about that it may come back in style again.

It’s not an investment. Clothing is not a monetary investment; it’s an investment in making you feel good.  Look at all your clothes, take the clothes that you don’t want and either donate them or do as I do and give them to your friends. They may want to wear some of the stuff.  Pass it along.

Here’s a great idea for all of you: put an e-mail out to all your friends and say you’re going to have a “clothing swap party”.  Everybody’s got to bring a bag of clothes, and every body has to bring a member of the opposite sex.  And that way then, you put all the clothes on the floor and everybody tries them on for each other.

It can get real personal very, very quickly, and it could be a lot of fun.  You can get opinions on the way things look on you and how they fit.  I’ve done these clothing swap parties in the past, and—let me tell you something—people will swap more than just clothes!

So have a clothing swap party.  And by doing a clothing swap party, you’re going to have an absolute blast.  As a matter of fact, I think I’m going to go do this right now. I think I’m going to go call a couple of friends up, and then I’m going to throw some stuff on the floor, and allow them to brawl for my leftovers.

I told you I would! 

I was watching a movie the other night called “Hall Pass” with Owen Wilson and Jason Sedakis. It was a Farrely brothers movie which I did not realize until, during the course of the movie, all these ridiculously hilarious scenes based on the stupidest things in the entire world weer scattered throughout the movie.

But I’ve got to say, it’s really a fun, good movie. Definitely a dude’s movie, not a chick flick at all.
So there was a pretty funny scene in the movie where they’re sitting around, talking, playing poker, basically they’re doing total guy things. They’re going around the table asking things like, “How much would you spend if you could have one night with a Hawaiian Tropic model and your wife would never find out?” And they were arguing about bidding on it. $3,000, $4,000, $5,000?

Guys sometimes do the stupidest things like that. Like that would ever happen, like a Hawaiian Tropic model would hang out with you for a night and basically have you pay them for their company.
Who cares, you and your friends are never going to bid and win a night with a Hawaiian tropic model in the first place. Hawaiian tropic models . . . Who wants a Hawaiian Tropic model, anyway? You’ve got to think about the career goals of a woman who decides that her lifelong dream and profession is to be a Hawaiian Tropic model.

Another funny thing that men do all the time that I think is just ridiculous is when they sit around and then start doing the Who would you rather bang? game.
“Who would you rather bang, Mila Kunis or Scarlett Johanssen?” Scarlett.
Then you’ll go, “Ok, Mila Kunis or Jennifer Aniston?” Hmmm…Mila Kunis.

And you’ll go through all the celebrities. Cameron Diaz or Angelina Jolie? And you’ll sit there and have that conversation for about a half hour, and then you’ll argue about why Mila Kunis would be a much better lay than Jennifer Aniston or Scarlett Johanssen.

The thing is, if any of those women were every standing in front of you, you’d bang any of them in a heartbeat. Let’s get real. Secondly, you’re never going to be standing in a line at a market, coffee shop, or movie line with them behind you, where you can look at them and say, “Excuse me, I had a conversation with my nerdy friends the other day and I decided I would rather bang you, Mila, than you, Scarlett.”

In reality, your only debate is who you will be masturbating to that night. Mila or Scarlett…hmmm which one does your hand want to please yourself thinking of?

I mean, it is the stupidest game in the entire world. You might as well play this game and make it more realistic: Challenge each other. Say hey, would you rather bang the Nordstrom’s counter girl, the Sephora perfume girl, or the barista at Starbucks? Play that game and then challenge one another to go and see who can get a date with the barista or the Nordstrom’s girl. Be a little productive in your conversation instead of acting like a bunch of nerdy lunatics.

All right, so here’s my question of the day to you: Who would you rather bang, Mila Kunis or Scarlett Johanssen?
Got you, huh? Let’s see how many people actually answer.

I haven’t sat down to watch any new movies in a long time, so decided to click through the Pay-Per-View and the On Demand selection and check out what’s been playing.
I’m going to give you a rundown of some of these doozies I’ve watched.

I watched a movie called “The Dilemma” starring Vince Vaughn. When did Vince Vaughn start looking like Alec Baldwin? He used to be a tall, skinny guy; now he’s become a chubby, young Alec Baldwin lookalike. Anyway, he was in this movie with Kevin James called “The Dilemma.” Here’s the big dilemma that took two hours to finally figure out: Winona Ryder’s character gets caught cheating on her husband by the guy’s best friend. That’s right. Vince Vaughn’s character actually sees it happen. So he spends the whole movie chasing her and her lover around town and can’t decide whether to tell his best friend that his wife’s been cheating. Unbelievable, huh? So the question is, what would you do if you saw your best friend’s wife or girlfriend cheating on him? Would you tell him right away or would you turn it into a really bad two-hour movie?

The next movie I saw — totally unrealistic by the way — was called “Friends with Benefits.” First off, okay: Mila Cunas and Justin Timberlake. That’s about all you need to know about this movie. So, what happened during this amazing two-hour, stretched-out movie that went nowhere and really just had the characters playing out the same topic over and over again? Basically, here’s the deal: Justin Timberlake moves to New York City through Mila Kunis, who recruits him for a job. They become friends, then because neither of them has had sex in a long time, guess what happens? They become friends with benefits. Meanwhile, they get along great. They laugh, they hang out together, they have all sorts of fun and inside jokes, they have sex like animals, and the woman looks like Mila Kunis. Let me ask all you guys: If you got a hot friend who you have an absolute blast with, you like her, the sex is some of the best sex you ever had in your entire life, would you ever leave her as your friend?

So stupid these movies sometimes. They’re just so not realistic. I mean, you’ve got a hot girl who’s incredible to hang out with, you have great sex, and then you just want to be friends with benefits with that? I doubt it. And the ending was beyond cheesy that I’m not even going to give you a spoiler alert warning. Ok, I am going to ruin the very predictable ending for any of you who actually want to waste two hours and watch it…It ended in Grand Central Station with Justin Timberlake singing a song from another artist. Why couldn’t he have just sung Justin Timberlake music to her? I Want My Sexy Back. Or something like that.

So, if you’re going to spend time this holiday season watching bad movies, I strongly suggest you do not watch The Dilemma or Friends with Benefits. I’m sure you’ve already got enough dilemmas in your life, and on top of all of that I’m sure most of you would like to have a friend with benefits, and you don’t need to watch Justin Timberlake fake banging Mila Kunis for two hours.

One of the things I always say to the checkout people when they ask you if you want paper or plastic, I always tell them, “No, no paper, no plastic. I’m just going to carry everything out in my hands.”
I like to see if they’re paying attention.

So today, the checkout woman didn’t ask me if I wanted paper or plastic. She asked, “Is plastic okay?” I replied that plastic is fine.
She goes, “Would you like any utensils with your food?”

I said, “No, I’m just going to eat it all in the car on the way home.” She was on such autopilot that what I said didn’t even register with her. I looked at her and said, “I’m only kidding, you know?”

She looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and goes, “I got it.”

What’s really funny about people, especially people at registers like the check-out person at the grocery store, is they’re always on autopilot. They’re constantly going,

“Paper or plastic? Would you like any utensils? Debit or credit?”

It’s like they don’t even acknowledge that a real person is in front of them. They’re just so caught up in work mode, automatic mind set mode, whatever they’re doing just to get through their day.

So a really great exercise for you guys to do is to snap people out of that automatic mode. Snap them out of the boring routine of the day and get them to interact with a real person. Snap them out of that moment with a joke and then smile and laugh.

What happens is you’ll get other people around you to start talking to you too. This woman laughed and started talking to me right as I was paying and said, “God, I thought you really were going to eat it all on the way home!”

She played in on the whole joke and we had a fun laugh together.

These are all great opportunities for you guys to really go and transition into other conversations, plus you get to snap people out of their boring, monotonous daytime routines and actually give them some fun and engaging conversation, as well.

Here’s a comment that a reader left on the blog that I really wanted to address. I’ve heard it quite a few times from guys and the topic is really relevant for guys who don’t drink alcohol but still want to go out and experience some nightlife.

Coach Shogo, I want to try something new: going sober in a club or bar, how can I put myself at ease and enjoy while not taking any drinks?  I’ve been studying this option for some time now, and it is very difficult to achieve…

–Maximillian

First off, I think going sober is a great thing.  I think living an alcohol-free lifestyle is great.

That being said, I have to give you a disclaimer that I personally don’t live an alcohol-free lifestyle.  Now, I don’t booze it up every day, but I do like to go out a couple times a week and have a few drinks in the evening.  And about once I month I like to go out and actually get drunk.  Just the way I like to do things.

So if you want to go out and have a couple drinks, loosen up, and be less uptight when you’re out meeting people, more power to you.  (But if you HAVE to drink in order to open up at social functions, that’s a problem and we need to talk.)

And if you never drink alcohol because you don’t like the feeling of losing control of your senses, or you don’t want to put unhealthy things in your body, more power to you as well.  Don’t let the pressure of the drinking crowd get to you.

Is everyone at this bar getting drunk?

A lot of times I will go out and not drink any alcohol, or I’ll just sip on one beer the whole night, especially when I was bartending and just needed a break from all the boozing.

But if you’re not able to put yourself at ease in a bar or club situation without drinking, it’s for one of two reasons:

One, you don’t feel comfortable in a bar or club environment and you need the influence of alcohol to relax you and help you be less uptight.

Two, you’re self-conscious about being the sober one in the bar while everyone else is drinking and you don’t want to look or act like the odd man out.

Let’s talk about the first one.  If you don’t feel comfortable when you’re out in a bar or club, or you just can’t seem to mingle with the crowd, you should really consider not going to bars or clubs anymore.  Your body is telling you something.  There are plenty of other great things you can do in the evenings besides going to a crowded bar and standing around feeling like you don’t have anything in common with the people there.  But if you feel like you need the influence of alcohol to help relax you in EVERY social situation, that’s another issue altogether and something you need to deal with separately by putting yourself out there and opening up to new people every single day.

Now let’s talk about the second one, and that’s really the heart of the matter.  If you do genuinely enjoy going out and being social in bars and clubs, but you just want to cut out the drinking part of it, here’s what you do: you cut out the drinking.

Just get a glass of something nonalcoholic and hold it in your hand.  Drink a coke.  Drink club soda with lime.  It doesn’t matter.  Nobody is going to ask you what you’re drinking. On the off chance that someone does (and it will probably be another guy), just casually tell them you’re having a club soda and change the topic.

What’s really holding you back is that self-conscious feeling of being a little bit different from the rest of the crowd.  That somebody will look at you like you’re from another planet if you tell them you’re not drinking.

Here’s what I think about that: forget about the rest of the crowd.  You do whatever you feel like doing and you don’t look back.  So what you’re not holding a vodka tonic in your hand while you’re going around meeting people?  Trust me, there are plenty of people in the place who are also not drinking, especially women.  The more upscale and fun the venue, the more likely it is that other people are not getting drunk.  Just avoid those crappy little bars where the only activity in the place is to stand around getting completely hammered.  That’s just no fun.

So drink whatever you want to.  People are not standing around the bar talking about the fact that you’re not drinking alcohol.  Honestly, nobody cares.  When you see somebody standing at the bar only drinking water, do you start whispering to the people around you, “Hey, that guy over there is only drinking WATER!!”  Of course you don’t.  That would be weird.  But when it comes down to ourselves, we think that everyone around us is talking about us.  Trust me, nobody is talking about the drink you’re holding in your hand.

It’s far cooler to be the level-headed sober guy at the end of the night than the obnoxious drunk stumbling around with beer stains all over his shirt.

I came to the conclusion that if men were the ones to have babies, the human race would cease to exist.

Here’s why:

1. There’s no chance in hell that I am passing a bowling ball through the tip of my dick. It just won’t happen.

2. I hate carrying anything around for more than 10 or 15 minutes. So if you think I’m about to carry a baby to term, that baby would never survive. Unless the term was 10 or 15 minutes.

3. I really admire women for sacrificing their bodies for the sake of bringing a new life into the world. But you know what, if I get the runs for two or three days, that’s enough of a sacrifice of my body. If my lower back hurts for a few days, I’ve sacrificed my body enough.

4. We would never get up 15 times a night to go pee. Once we lay down and we’re comfortable, we’re good. Not only that, but when we pee we always have to shake the last drops out. So if we pee 14 times a night, our underwear would be constantly wet with excess drops of pee.

5. Most men are just really selfish. So we just wouldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be worth it. We want “me” time, not baby time. It’s just not in the nature of men to be rubbing our bellies 24/7. The only time we really like rubbing our bellies is when we’ve stuffed ourselves after a nice burger and milkshake meal. But to constant have to rub a belly with another human being growing in there, no way.

6. Once one man’s had a baby, no other man witnessing it would want to suffer through that ordeal. The first man who gave birth would say, “God, guys, giving birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had,” and every man watching it would say, “God, guys, witnessing that guy give birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had.” Then, because men are all about fixing things, we would try to invent a way that men can have babies without actually getting pregnant, or a way to bring babies to term in a week, and we wouldn’t ever rest until that invention came about.

7. Lastly, I just can’t see it ever happening. I mean, there’s just no way men would be able to do that much intense bonding with another being. Not only that, just think about what a kid would do to our man boobs. Our moobs would be shaped like banana mobs. As a man, the only thing we could deal with body-wise is the stretch marks. We just don’t care, because to us it’s just scars. We like scars. We compare scars to our friends, and it would actually be kind of cool to have scars. We don’t really care, plus we’re so hairy, you wouldn’t notice the stretch marks anyway.

Bottom line is that men cannot have babies. They just cannot give birth. The human race would come to an end, literally.

But I’ll tell you one thing, if men did have the ability to become pregnant, we’d never, ever miss a birth control pill, let me tell you. We would never allow the pull-out method during sex or any other method that was less than 100% safe.

Because as men, we can’t stand the idea of giving birth. We can’t carry babies. We already are babies. We need all the attention and care to ourselves, and we don’t like to be in any type of pain.

I am all about the light. I’m not talking about blaring stadium-type lighting so I can see the crowd cheering me on as I get close to orgasm. I’m also not talking about a spotlight on her face so I can interrogate her saying “Did you cum? Did you cum?!” like a detective from a bad 70′s tv show.

I love candlelight. I love sex during the day. I prefer to have some kind of light, because I do not want to miss the payoff.

Do You Prefer Sex In The Dark

I work hard at pleasing my woman . . . I’ve got to see that orgasm face. Does she shut her eyes? Does she tilt her head a certain way? Does her head turn all the way around like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist?” Moaning is wonderful, but I have got to see my work.

Not only that, having some form of lighting allows me to admire the shape of her body. I also like to look deep into a woman’s eyes during sex.

There are times I don’t mind having sex in complete darkness, like in the middle of the night when you wake up having sex and don’t know where it started. Darkness in that situation is wonderful. After all, who wants to get up to turn on the light when you just woke up and you are enjoying all sorts of great sexual sensations?

I like to see the person with whom I am having sex. I’ve got nothing to hide.

I like when they get up after sex and I get to check them out when they go to the bathroom. If you do it in complete darkness, you might as well be wearing blindfolds.

So, I’m a daylight kind of guy. What about all of you? Do you prefer sex with the lights on, with the lights off, or somewhere in between depending on the mood?

One thing you never want to hear from a woman when you’re fooling around in complete darkness is “Is it in yet?” or “Oops! Wrong hole!”