Whenever you set a date, you need to tell her plain and simple when you’re one the phone with her, “Hey Thursday, let’s hang out at 8:00 at Joe’s Bar and Grill…” You set that date when you’re talking because otherwise, if you don’t do that, you’re creating more steps and you’re creating stress.

As a man, you need to lead. Always need to lead to get her excited about the date.

At the end of the date, capitalize. When is the time that she is emotionally connected to you to the most? At the end of the date. What do most guys do wrong at the end of the date? They look at her and they think to themselves, “I don’t want to be over-anxious right now.” And they walk away.

Maybe they give her a little kiss and they allow her to go back to her friends and recap the entire date. That’s when all hell seems to break loose because the second she recaps the date is the second she gets into her head and starts thinking that maybe you’re not right for her.

So here’s the deal: if you like her and you want to see her again, always close her at the end of the first date with a second date. Look at her, give her a kiss on the lips and pull back and then just go, “Hey, you know that jazz party you were talking about, let’s go Thursday.”

Make it fun, make it simple and close the deal because then she’ll tell her friends this story. God, I had such a great time and he asked me out for Thursday instead of, had a good time but I don’t know — he just didn’t ask me out. Just didn’t seem like he was interested. Don’t let her get into her head.

And don’t worry about when you’re going to sleep with her because you’re just going to put too much pressure on it. When you date, if you go out, and you do exactly what I said above, close her for the next date. Set up a great date that’s fun. Kiss her. Touch her a little bit. Guess what happens? You’re not going to think about when to sleep with her. It’s just going to happen naturally.

You need to get the idea out of your head that you need to sleep with her by the end of the third date. It doesn’t mean a thing. Sometimes you’ll sleep with her at the end of a first date; sometimes you’ll sleep with her by the end of third; and sometimes, at the end of a fifth date. It’s all about creating momentum.

Dating is all about momentum. Women look forward to it. It’s creating a story for them in their heads. They want it flow. We met at a Whole Foods. We exchanged numbers. He called me the next day, asked me if I liked the food. We talked. We met. He turned me on…

It’s all about momentum. You want to create a story because she wants a story; she wants to see the pieces of that story to come together.

Every relationship you’ve ever had, when it comes down to dating, has something called momentum to it. Learn the art of momentum. Go for it, and stop thinking about what people say and what women say.

But momentum begins with you. Conquer that woman. Take her on that journey, and she’s going to be turned on to you. That’s how you make dates work.

So you are out on a date with somebody, it goes fairly well. Pretty soon, you’re waiting for them to call you back and you become obsessed about that person. You call up all your friends to try to figure out what you did right, what may have gone wrong, when they might call you, or why didn’t they haven’t called you yet.

“How come they didn’t call! What did I do wrong?”

And then all of sudden it’s six weeks later, you’ve been talking about this person constantly, and you haven’t dated anybody else since that date. You basically just wasted six weeks of your dating life.

Here is the deal: if you go out on a date and your date never calls you back afterwards––it’s over. Once it’s over, there’s no reason to think about it ever again. That person was not your dream person, that person was not your soul mate, that person was not the person you really wanted them to be since you went out on that date.

What you need to do is realize that all of that time that you’re wasting being obsessed about somebody you once dated and who doesn’t feel the same way about you is really just time wasted not going out and meeting anybody else. It’s time wasted not living your life the way you want to; time wasted on somebody that doesn’t give a damn about you; time wasted on a person who won’t even give you the time to call you back.

That’s the reality of it. This person who you’re obsessing over did not care enough about you to call you back. So now what do you do with that? You stop thinking about that person, you stop obsessing over that person, and you start realizing that there are so many more people out there. The world is abundant. There is an inventory of amazing single people to date everywhere you look.

I’m tired of the complaining, I’m tired of the obsessions.

Now is the time for you to get real with yourself, and stop the complaining, the whining, and start reengaging with the people around you.

Look at your life right now. Look at the people you’ve dated that didn’t work out. Look at how many hours and how many days you’ve obsessed about those people and think to yourself, “Why did I do it? Why did I drive everybody crazy talking about it?”

Stop.

. . .

It’s 2012. You’re all growns up now. Let the past be the past. Look around you and be grateful for all the attractive people you’re going to be dating soon.

Now get out there and engage life. Stop obsessing and get into your best relationship yet.

You deserve it.

PS. Whatever you do, don’t be this guy.

They had good pedigree. They were successful and age appropriate. They were good-looking. They followed up with phone calls. Then all of a sudden—poof—they just vanished.

You’re in shock. You can’t believe that this one went away. You felt like it was the perfect kind of a relationship. You really felt like you were ready for it. You really needed this relationship because you were so tired of dating. You were tired of putting yourself online and having nothing happen. You were tired of going to the parties and heading out to the same bars and restaurants. You felt like this was the one.

Here’s the deal: everything that you’ve ever known about dating is wrong. During those three weeks you never kept a dating journal. See, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. What we do when we date is we get caught up in what I call the oxytocin moment. We get caught up in this wave of emotion, like a drug is released in our bodies.

It feels so good to be rescued from being single. But in reality, the warning signs are there from the beginning. I tell everybody in my very new book, Naked, to keep a dating journal, and write down how you feel at the end of each date. How does this person make you feel? Do you feel desired? Do you feel excited? Take it even deeper. Do you keep a journal where you know exactly the way you need to feel in a relationship?

My new book Naked goes really deep into dating. It gets you to fall in love with the most important person in your life: you. Because when it comes down to dating, most of us date based on needs. I need to have a relationship. I need to no longer be single. I need to find somebody different because the last person didn’t treat me well.

What Naked does is it takes everything down to the root and allows you to forgive everything that’s gone on in your life and allows you to embrace all the lessons you’ve learned. But more importantly, it gets you to fall in love with who you are as a person. It allows you to realize that you’re an amazing catch.

Naked is almost 200 pages of daily exercises that help you no longer date out of need, out of frustration, or out of desperation. When it comes to love, in order to find someone to love you the way you need to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to take yourself out on dates. You need to do things for yourself. You need to feel amazing and wonderful and you need to strip yourself down of all your fears and become naked. You need to forget about past failures and learn from them.

But more importantly, you need to know exactly what you want going into that date, emotionally. Because when it comes down to dating, all it is is based on feelings. How did you feel at the end of a date? Most of us have never asked that question, because we always date based on wants, needs, and desires.

It’s time to change the way you date. It’s time to get naked.

It’s getting cold outside here in NYC, so I figure tonight I’ll bundle up on the couch, turn up the heat, and stay in for a movie, some Italian takeout, and a nice bottle of red.

While I’m thinking about it, bars are the farthest thing from my mind right now.  But it’s still Friday, so let’s talk about something relevant: going on a date.  Specifically, Friday night first dates, which I know a lot of guys tend to overthink.  So I’ll break it down and share an email I got from a client this week:

Hey Shogo,

Just wondering is there a polite way of asking a lady to pay for herself for an expensive outing?

I’m thinking about inviting this girl to an expensive concert, which costs $400.  I wouldn’t mind paying if she’s my girlfriend.  But, I barely know her and don’t know if it’s going to work out.  I know she likes music.  She’s in real estate, and I’m pretty sure she makes more $$$ than I do.  So, I wondering if I should ask her to pay for herself, forget about this whole thing and invite her to something else, or just take the risk and pay for her ticket and see what happens.  What do you think?

*I know they talk about ROI in dating, and this is an example.

Thanks in advance Shogo,

Jerry, New York City

Expensive Dates... Get it?

Jerry, good question.  Actually it’s two questions: 1) How much is ok to spend on a first date?  2) Can she pay her own way?

This is an expensive excursion we’re talking about.  Even if you’re banking some major green, a $400 event is just not date material.  It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not.  Because even if you can, unless you want to be seen as a walking talking ATM or just another a guy who’s desperately trying to impress her, it’s a terrible idea to drop this much cash on a first date.

Ask yourself: do you really want to go to this concert?  Would you go to this concert if you went by yourself or with a buddy?  If the answer is no, then scrap the idea and do something else.  Go on dates where the activity is something that you actually personally want to do (or you know that she’s really going to enjoy—which in turn makes you want to do it too).  Don’t take a woman out for a first date that you would not want to do anyways.  You plan a date based on something that you want to do for fun, and as an added bonus, you have a great woman to share your time with.

So assuming this is a concert you really want to go to, if you’re going with her as friends, invite her along.  Just as you would invite a friend, tell her, “Hey, Sting (or whoever the hell costs $400 these days) is playing in concert next weekend, I really want to go and since you’re such a fan, I thought you’d be interested in going.  Tickets aren’t cheap though.”  Now you’ve implied that she’s got to pay if she wants to come.  Keep in mind that this is not a date.  This is you inviting her as a friend.  (It doesn’t mean you can’t date her later on down the road, but for now she is not your date to this event, so don’t treat it like one.)

But if you want to ask her out on a date, then ask her out.  And that means you pay.  My rule of thumb for guys is to ALWAYS PAY on the first dates.  Depending on your relationship, you can split (or let her pick up a check) later on down the road when you’re seeing each other on a regular basis.  But for now, you invited her, you pay, and you lead her on that date.

So that means that every date that you invite her on should be within your financial means to pay for both of you.  It can be dinner if you want (make sure it’s a place you actually enjoy going to; even better, a place you’ve been to many times before), it can be drinks, or just a simple coffee on the weekend or a stroll through the park or the holiday market—which costs nothing.

A date should never have to be “risky.”  A date should always be fun no matter what the outcome.  You should never feel like kicking yourself for having spent money on taking her out if the date turns out to be a flop.

How much would you pay for one night?

When you are spending money on things to go out and try to attract women, that’s when you think about your ROI, your return on investment.  But forget about the ROI when it comes down to the date itself, because on the date you are not spending money to try to attract the woman you’re going out with.  Your return on the investment is how much fun you had on the date itself, not what may or may not happen with her sexually after the date.  The money you spend is just window dressing for your leisure time—it does not buy anything from her, so do not expect anything.  If something happens, great.  But make sure it has nothing to do with the money you spent.  That’s just you and her being attracted to each other, and that’s not something money can buy.

So she doesn’t like you at the end of the date, or you don’t have chemistry, or whatever—you want to walk away from every first date with the attitude that you had a good time no matter what.  If there was no attraction, well then at least you learned something about yourself.  Or you practiced your skills communicating with a woman.  Or you learned something about how women work and it will make you better for next time.  Or you can walk away as friends and you’ve added a new person to your social network.

There is always an upside to every encounter with a new woman.  And that’s what you focus on.  Maybe the date works out, and that’s great.  But even if it doesn’t, don’t chalk that up as a lost investment.  Think about how you grew.  What you learned about your skills connecting with this woman, what you learned about women in general, and what you learned so you can improve the next time.

No date should ever have to be financially risky.  Eliminate that “risk” right out of the equation by asking yourself, “How much would I feel comfortable spending just to hang out and get to know this woman even if things don’t work out?”  And you will have your answer.

Are you a dating “lister”?

Meaning, do you sit down and list all the things you desire in a person and then expect to put yourself out there and meet that very person?
Are you a person who has a checklist for things they’re looking for in a partner? Then at the end of each date, you go home and check off what that person did and didn’t do, or how they lived or didn’t live up to your expectations?

Dating and relationships are always a unique ride for each person. A lot of times you think you’ve found somebody great, they’re the perfect person, and then all of a sudden a few months into dating them you realize that they’re not for you.

How strict are you with your expectations of another person? And how many hoops do you need to make the person you’re dating go through in order to give them the gift of your love?
Check out today’s video and ask yourself if you are as stringent as this guy is in this video. If so, explain down below why you are.

What are your desires, your deal-breakers, and what can you tolerate? What are your negotiables and non-negotiables?

Let’s have a conversation today about how far you’re willing to negotiate when it comes down to things you desire in a relationship.
Let’s make this a great conversation!

You’ve heard so many nightmare stories about it. You’ve heard about children acting up. You’ve heard about the lack of intimate one-on-one time.

There are so many things that can potentially go wrong. There is no spontaneity. Everything you’ve heard about children is multiplied by twenty because this kid isn’t even yours.

You’ve also heard about the tenacious sex drive that single moms have. Because they’re with the kids five days a week and they only have two days free, in those two days they need to satisfy all their urges. They want to have sex, but they’re not about wasting time because their free time is so limited.

So here you are. You’ve met an amazing woman and you’re dating “the single mom.” This is something you’ve never wanted. Welcome to one of the toughest times of your adult adolescence, because this is the time that you are forced to grow up faster than ever before.

I remember when I was living in Boulder, Colorado. I met a great woman named Denise who was beautiful and sexy. Everything about her was perfect, except she she had a four year old kid (and a boyfriend at the time too).

I remember that I would flirt with her every time I saw her. About a year later after flirting with her and being friends with her boyfriend, she came to my office one day and told me that she wanted to take me to dinner.

We went out to dinner. At dinner she looked at me and basically told me she was in love with me. I didn’t know what to do. I just really never wanted to adopt someone else’s kid, and she knew this.

So a few weeks later, she actually dropped her kid off for a few hours at my office. It was torture. It was hell. I was exhausted. I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.

I moved to San Diego. About six months later, I actually called her and said, “Moving to San Diego and walking away from you was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.” By that time she had met someone else.

I wasn’t ready to date a woman with a kid. I wasn’t really mature enough. I realized, though, that not doing it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

It’s true that there are going to be limitations when you date a woman who has a kid. She is still a woman, though, and she still has needs, wants and desires.

Also, it’s true that the child isn’t yours and that it is not a dream situation. In life, though, we can try to live the dream situation or we can just live life and take things as they come.

In life, everything doesn’t go according to plan. Everything doesn’t go the way you think it’s supposed to go.

So if you meet an incredible who has a child, and the child has a father who is in his or her life, then all that woman is looking for from you is to be a great man for her. When you spend time with the kid, enjoy the kid.

Kids are beautiful. Kids are great. You can learn a lot of things about yourself through the child.

She doesn’t need a substitute dad. She just needs you to be her boyfriend, to be her man.

So if you’re dating a single mother, enjoy it! This woman may have a child, but you may not be able to meet another great woman like her.

This is a great time in your life. It enables you to grow and experience things that you never thought you would experience. So, enjoy that single mother!

Now they’ve broken up, and she’s started calling you. She tells you she’s starting to have feelings for you. At the same time, your best friend still talks about her and wonders if he did something wrong.

You’re in love with your best friend’s ex, and she is in love with you. How do you handle this? What do you do in this situation?

I am somebody who truly believes that people are not possessions. If I break up with someone — and I have broken up with a lot of people — I have no problem with any of my friends dating my ex, falling in love with her and even marrying her.

This has, in fact, happened to me. My good friend Charlie is married to a woman I used to date. They started dating three years after I broke up with her, and I was perfectly fine with it.

So, if you have feelings for your best friend’s ex, here is what you need to do: you need to confirm your feelings with her.

Sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel. You know she feels the same way about you, as you do about her. Have that heart-to-heart talk with her and then ask her, “What do we do about telling my buddy? I don’t want to lose my friendship with him, but yet I don’t want to act on my feelings for you.” Both of you know your friend extremely well, and together you will be able to come up with a way to tell him so that he will not be angry or hurt.

There are a lot of guys out there who truly feel that once they have dated a woman, she is off limits to all of their friends — no matter how long it’s been since they broke up. I think this is the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. We don’t own people; we just share our time with them.

Once you’ve had a conversation with your best friend’s ex, you’ll need to sit down with your friend, and do one of the toughest things in the world — have “the talk.”

When you sit down with him, first tell him that he is your best friend and talk about how amazing your friendship with him is and how much it means to you. Then, you’ll need to ask him how he would feel if you start dating his ex. You need to be honest, and tell him everything; about how you feel, and if you’re serious about her or still trying to figure this out.

He may be angry and upset at first. He may not want to see you for a week or two. In time, though, he is going to understand; so, if you need to, give him his space. He’s not with her anymore. He is out there dating, having fun and sleeping with other women. Eventually, he is going to get over it.

If this is an amazing woman with whom you have incredible chemistry, women like her don’t come around that often. You have every right to pursue a relationship with her.

This is one of the tough times of your adult adolescence. You’ll need to display complete and total honesty not only with yourself, but with a woman with whom you are in love and also with your friend. This is going to be a tough lesson, but a valuable one. Your ability to be honest and confront difficult conversations with two people you care about, even though they won’t be safe or easy conversations, will exhibit what sort of person you are.

I just think the first kiss on the first date is overrated. Technically you are total strangers. You sat across from each other at a table somewhere, or maybe you took a walk in the park, or you spent a couple hours talking . . . and then what? You need to seal it with a kiss?

I don’t think the first kiss is important on the first date. What’s important on the first date is the recap in your mind after you leave them. Let me ask you a few questions. When you go home and you do the post-date recap:

How do you feel?
What are you thinking about?
What did you think about this person and their lifestyle?
What did you think about some of the stories they were sharing?
Were there any warning signs?
Was there anything they said that really made you nervous?
Is there anything you want to do with them the next time you see them?
Can you imagine sharing one of their adventures that they described?

First Date Kiss

Another step in evaluating the first date occurs when you wake up the next morning. When you wake up:

Did you think about the person?
Are you still excited the next morning that you met that person?
While you’re kind of hanging out and going to work the next day, did you have a smile on your face that you met someone really cool the night before?

There’s a lot of pressure about the first kiss at the end of the first date. The first kiss at the end of the first date also does not necessarily mean that you’re going to end up seeing the person again. It could just be that you felt like you had to kiss them just because it was the end of the date.

I feel kissing at the end of the first date is so predictable. Not kissing a woman at the end of the first date is the opposite . . . it just shows a sense of patience. It’s also really nice to get a hug at the end of the first date, because really you’re both nervous at the end of the first date. She’s wondering if you are going to kiss her. You’re wondering if you should kiss her. So, why bother?

A lot of times there’s not even a lot of passion in that first date first kiss. It’s a nervous, windshield wiper kiss. Your tongues do a little dance in each other’s mouth. Neither one of your hands are moving anywhere. It’s kind of like your first dance in high school.

So let’s get rid of the misconception about the first date first kiss. What’s more important is the follow-up phone call, or asking them out during the first date for another date. Those are signs of real interest. Real interest is also calling them the next day, seeing what they’re up to, and getting together with them soon so you can keep the momentum going. This will make the first kiss a real first kiss.

So here’s a question for all of you: Do you like to hug, or do you need that first kiss for confirmation at the end of the first date? Do you desire a nervous windshield wiper kiss . . . or a passionate second day after kiss?

Do you know what ruins the possibility of most relationships taking off?

Ego always ruins it.

Here you are, hanging out with a woman you’ve been out with three or four times. You’re getting along great, and you know it. You’re having a good time, and then all of a sudden, one of you gets scared – which always happens. Someone always gets scared.

So all of a sudden, she stops calling, or she doesn’t text you back right away. And what do you do?

Your ego works to protect yourself, and you basically say to yourself, fuck it – it’s not going to work out.

In reality, your ego was actually just protecting you from becoming even more vulnerable.

Love Me Always

Then you rationalize to yourself by just submerging yourself in work or whatever it is. Your ego is just trying to protect yourself the whole time.

Life might just take one more phone call. Call that person out and say to them, “hey, what’s going on? I don’t get it. You and I were having a good time, and then you disappear. What’s going on?”

By calling somebody out on their shit, you’re going to get a response that will be far different than you ever imagined. Maybe she just needed that extra push.

Women like to feel safe. Maybe she did get a little bit scared, and when a woman gets scared, what does she want? She wants to be protected by her man.

A real man is going to make her feel protected and make her feel safe. That’s what women are craving – that feeling of safety and security. Women are nesters. Women are looking at you as a potential husband or father, and they want to feel very safe.

And by you saying, fuck it, and just walking away, you proved to her that that little doubt that she had about you was 100% correct. Just because you didn’t want to become vulnerable and you had to protect your ego. You wanted to save face.

And who might you be saving face from? Her friends if she talks to them? If you call her and just tell her what’s up, she’s going to go to her friends and say: “Joe called, and he just wants to know what’s going on with me. What should I do?” If her friends know that she likes you, all her friends will be encouraging her to call you.

So your ego just protected you from nothing.

You have to lose the ego. If you really want a true, spectacular relationship, drop the fucking ego. When you go to meet somebody, drop the ego. Stop worrying about what other people say and just live your life to the fullest every day by becoming vulnerable.

She read all the comments and wanted to clarify that money is not what keeps her turned on, its all about a man that knows how to take charge. Here is her email to all of you.

Enjoy todays guest blogger.

Dear David, 

I have to share with you, about the what happened  to my relationship with the Very handsome, Rich guy from Boca, that got all the responses to last weeks pod cast.  It’s all about building Sexual Tension before the date, and keeping it going during the date. You have to take control. Send sexy text messages before the date. Dress the part of the woman you are looking to attract . This is so important, i can not tell you. Fyi…  You do not need a lot of money to look sharp !!  .   Women have no idea, where you shopped for your jeans or shirts. It is looking presentable, dressing in style,  and smelling great.  :)  Being well groomed . All over if you know what i mean  .  You do not need a lot of money to take a woman out on a fun date. !!  In my mind, if he took me to the beach, and bought a bottle of wine, and cheese, ect.. on a blanket, that  would have  been  so much more of an aphrodisiac then being in this Trendy Boca Restaurant with the A/C not working , noisy , and exchanging resume’s. Him telling me, he was an investment banker for Lehman Bros. Is not getting me ” wet ” between my legs. It was intriguing for a few minutes .  Him creating a very magical moment, that not many men do. Like kissing me on the beach, or sharing fun stories,  asking me questions about myself, or listening to his I pod. He happens to have great taste in Music. It is called building moments…  together.  Which he could have saved, not that he needed to watch his wallet, a good $ 150.00 that night. He would have ended up with the same results, or maybe even better.!!!.  It would have turned me on  sexually , so much more. 

What Women Want From A Man

I write this to help out men, who truly misinterpreted my blog, into thinking if you are not Very Handsome, Very Rich, and Have a Huge C-ock , You are not able to get a beautiful woman.  A man with these qualities i have to say , he does have an advantage point in ” Getting ” a beautiful woman.  But, it was the way he presented himself before the date, and how he took complete ” Control ” of the date . That was the Biggest turn on to me !!  I was impressed with the way he was the MAN..  and with him taking that role. It made me feel like a Woman. When i start to feel like the woman, and i am exuding  feminine energy. It makes me feel very sensual, and sexual. I think about wanting to have sex with him .  What it would be like to kiss him, and how would it feel when he touches my body.  How would he feel laying on top of me.  I start to get excited about, how can i turn him on sexually.  What can i do different, to please him. 

What this man does not have is the qualities to ” Keep ”  a quality, beautiful woman. !!   I will share with you, the ending to my magical weekend, in Palm Beach,FL . ,  with the last night of sensual, hot sex.  He did send the next day, when i returned to NYC, a dozen Red Roses, with a card, ” thinking of you ” ..  

He did send me e mails, and he did make 1 phone call. Expressing what a great time he had with me. i will quote what he wrote 

” So Glad you love the roses, not nearly as beautiful as you !!! had an amazing time with you Sunday evening: cant wait to see you next time. I’ll call you to say hello later today or tomorrow. ( Friday the latest ) . Miss you sexy !!! . 

Well, He never called, and the following week, he came to NYC for Fashion Week. Did not even let me know he was in town. We were texting each other, and he said, he was walking out of his last Fashion Show !!!!   WTF ?  I was hurt, and will never feel the same about him. All his Great Looks, His Huge Cock , and and Bank Roll.   All vanished, as fast as it rolled in.  We texted back and forth, and he said he was sorry a few times. He said, quote ” He did not have the time for a date with me ” …  It is all about being Real, and Genuine, and what ever you write and feel, it’s about  being in your reality. This man was so detached from reality. Follow through is ” KEY ” . 

  I deserve and want  to have a man who is kind and sincere. Honest and someone who loves themselves.  When you love yourself. You feel great about yourself everyday. You come clean with yourself, and you do not treat others or act this way.  Self love on my part is , I WANT MORE. !!!  

Hope this is helpful, and It is Not all about being Rich, Handsome, and Hung. It might open a door, and he did get to play with me for a night. 

 However, he will never have staying power. I never responded to his last text.  I,  no longer  have any desire for him anymore.  

Denise.