Are long distance relationships really realistic? To tell you the truth, I think long distance relationships are fantasies.
Let’s say you meet someone on vacation. You fall for them in two days.
Then after the trip you have hot phone calls, texts and emails with them. Every time you see them on the weekend, everything is perfect. Everyone is on their best behavior. The sex is great.
The whole weekend is great. It’s like going on vacation with somebody over and over and over again.
The only way you can really get to know somebody, though, is to see them every single day. You need to see what they’re like after a long day of work. You need to see how they are in the middle of a regular work day.
Relationships are difficult to begin with, but long distance relationships tend to be fantasy-driven. Now, there are long distance relationships that are successful.
Most of the ones that I’ve known about or seen, however, do not end up lasting long-term. When the people finally are together in the same place, they are often broken up within a month because they finally start to experience what each other is like and how each other behaves on a daily basis.
Remember, when you’re in a long distance relationship, you are just seeing each other on the weekends. You really are always on your best behavior every time you’re together.
It’s hot and passionate every time you meet. You look forward to seeing that person every time. In fact, you usually can’t wait to see that person. It’s sexy.
You think about them on the airplane. At the end of every weekend when you leave each other, you spend the next week thinking about how amazing the prior weekend was. You spend all week thinking about how you can’t wait until the next weekend.
The problem with this is that you never get to see the “nitty gritty” daily stuff. You don’t get to see the bras and panties hanging on the shower curtain rod. You don’t get to see his dirty underwear thrown on the floor. You don’t realize that neither one of you actually never clean up when you’re alone.
That is why long distance relationships are tough. I always truly believed that you are better off hunting in your own neighborhood.
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I think a lot of people are really unrealistic. This is especially true when it comes to dating.
Think about this. There are 52 weeks and 365 days in a year. Think if you went out and met people every single day with the goal of getting one date per week. I’m not just talking about a date with anyone you can find, but with someone with whom you share a real chemistry connection.
That’s 52 quality dates a year. You don’t think that out of those 52 dates that you’re going to find at least one person with whom you really connect and with whom you will form a relationship?
It’s funny how many times people say to me, “David, I’d like to go on two to three dates per week.” Why?
It’s really all about going out every single day and meeting people. You can do it for ten or twenty minutes one day or a half hour another day depending on your schedule. It doesn’t really matter.
By doing that, don’t you think you can meet one person per week with whom you share a great connection? Don’t you think you’ll find that great and amazing person with whom you love to hang.
Don’t you think you’d find people along the way that would be great sexual partners? Don’t you think you’d find people who will teach you things and people with whom you can share things? Don’t you think you might find people you want to date for a week, a month or maybe forever?
So, really, keep your goals realistic. Go out there and look for that one great date every week. No need to worry about how many dates you’re getting. Try this for a week!
Wonder what to say to when you are out meeting all these people? Click here to listen to my favorite openers to use when talking to women.
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There is a word of which a lot of people are afraid: Honesty. Being honest, to me, is one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.
I always tell people that whenever you lie, you have to remember that lie. A lie has so many levels to it, and you have to remember them all when you say a lie — where you were, to whom you said that lie, the name of the person you were supposedly with or to whom you were talking. You have to create a whole story.
When you lie, you usually leave all sorts of loopholes. You always forget at least one detail. If people are really paying attention, they can easily catch you in a lie.
Being honest is one of the hardest things for people to do, especially when it comes to being honest with ourselves. There are times, particularly when you’re dating, that you need to be 100% honest both with yourself and with the person you’re dating in situations where it is not easy to be that honest.
Say you’re dating someone who wants three kids and you don’t want to have any kids. Because you are so intoxicated by her beauty, instead of being 100% honest about that you say, “You know, I think I could have kids. I really do think I might want kids.”
You have to be 100% honest at all times with yourself, because otherwise it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. Being honest is very liberating because the more honest you are, the more honest people are going to be with you. When you have this kind of mutual honesty between you, you don’t get into nearly as many arguments.
Say your partner tells you that he wants to move out to the country, and even though you love living in the city you say that you would be happy to move to the country. When you inevitably stall about making the move, it will end up in an argument between you.
Your partner will say, “You told me you wanted to move to the country, and here we are still living in the city.” If you are (and were) being honest with yourself, you knew all along that you didn’t want to move to the country.
The only reason you said you did is that you fell in love with your partner. Instead of being honest with them and allowing them to have their dream, you lied.
Being 100% honest is really tough sometimes, because when you meet someone you think is so amazing and fantastic you really want to want the same things they do. So we will tell a little white lie, and we lie to ourselves in the process.
Then that white lie ends up putting us in a situation where we have to confront that dishonesty with ourselves. That’s where you get into a mess. It’s really important in life to be really clear about what we want.
How many kids do you truly want? There is a big difference between having one kid and having three (and an even bigger difference between having any number of kids and having no kids).
Where do you want to live? Do you want to live in the country or do you want to live in the city?
How often do you like to have sex? Sex is something you have to be this honest about too.
How many people who like to have sex four times a week get involved with someone who only likes to have sex once a week, and tell themselves they are okay with only having sex once a week. They tell themselves that it doesn’t matter.
The truth is that it does matter. I’ve been in a relationship with a person who liked to have sex a lot less than I do, and it was not okay (and mattered a lot!).
We make all sorts of compromises like this when we go into a relationship because we think to ourselves that all our our needs and desires are never going to be met in any relationship. After all, there is no ‘perfect’ partner, right?
The truth is, though, that if you listed all your needs and wants and desires, it is not that many things. You need to be on the same page with your partner in so many different ways. If you’re not, then you will find yourself in situations where you have to accept things you never wanted.
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So you’re dating someone new and they ask you this: “So tell me, how many relationships have you had?” At that point, you’re thinking “Here it comes…” It is almost like the ominous background music from a movie.
You know once someone asks you that question, that they are inevitably going to next ask you what went wrong in those relationships and why you are no longer with those people. When you’re first dating, people love to try and get a bigger picture of you.
They want to form an opinion of you. They like you, but they’re not totally sure about you, so they want to get some more information. They was to get the facts, so they ask you about your past relationships.
One word of advice to everybody who has to answer that question. You can talk about your past relationships all you want, but you had better talk about them in a positive light.
Never say that someone cheated on you. Never play the role of the victim. Always say something like, “I’ve had a few long-term relationships. They’ve all been wonderful. I’ve learned things about myself, and I have to tell you that I really respect the people I’ve dated.”
When you take the high road like that, the detective on the other side of the dinner table isn’t going to pick up anything negative about you. If it looks like you haven’t yet processed your past relationships, they will think you aren’t ready for another relationship.
So the next time someone asks you to tell them about your past relationships, you had better be ready to be 100% positive when you answer the question. If you are, then that person will think that you are someone with whom they could potentially have a relationship. They won’t be worried that if they date you and later breakup, that you will go around trashing them to others.
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How do these things make you feel? How do you feel if someone cheats on you? How do you feel if someone steals your cell phone out of your car? How do you feel if someone slept with somebody else?
We’re getting to the real root of cheaters right now. You’ve been cheated on in the past.
If someone asks you what happened in your past relationship, is your answer something like this: “She was a great girl, but all of a sudden something happened and she started cheating on me. It was ridiculous. I don’t understand why she cheated on me. I did everything for her.”
Immediately, the person you’re saying this to is going to look at you and wonder what made that person cheat on you. When you’re cheated on, it means that there is something that’s not working between the two of you of which you are not aware.
To tell you the truth, I’ve never been cheated on, but I have cheated one time. I know exactly why I cheated on them. It was because the communication in our relationship was dead, over, done. I wasn’t happy anymore.
So if you tell someone on a first, second or third date that you’ve been cheated on, they’re going to really wonder about you. They are going to wonder why you didn’t realize why you were cheated on, and why you aren’t taking responsibility for your part in it.
A lot of people don’t understand that cheating is a two-way street. In order to push someone out the door to cheat, you must be pushing them one way or another.
There’s something that you’ve been doing in that situation. Maybe you were not aware of the person’s needs, wants, and desires. Maybe you wanted more out of the relationship than they did. It could be a number of different things.
So if you’ve been cheated on and someone asks you why that relationship ended, just say “It ended mutually” and leave it at that. As you get to know someone better, you can uncover the depth of your last relationships.
In the first couple of weeks, though, people are judging and looking and evaluating you. It’s not that you want to hide things, but you just want to get to know each other on a fresh face.
You don’t need to tell every negative detail of your past. You don’t need to dump everything about each other in the first few weeks. You want those first few weeks to really bond with each other, to build up the trust, so then you can talk about all that stuff later when you’re in a safe space with each other.
People are still judging in those first few weeks. So the next time someone asks you if you’ve ever been cheated on, just say “You know what? I have been, but it’s no big deal. I learned a lot from that. I really learned that my communication in that relationship wasn’t good and I take full responsibility for it.”
Take the high road in everything. Anytime you take the road of a victim, it means that you don’t know how to communicate properly with anybody else.
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Let me ask you a couple of questions…
